Chasing Fire
by Wolfsbane10.14.10
Summary: It's recounted as a great love story. Fierce hatred turned to passionate love. But the path to great love is hardly smooth. When a marriage proposal fails and the world is on the brink of war, how can love shine through? COMPLETE
1. Changes

It's recounted as a great love story. Fierce hatred turned to passionate love. But the path to great love is hardly smooth. When a marriage proposal fails and the world is on the brink of war, how can love shine through? Read, Review, and Enjoy!

* * *

 _"_ _Will you marry me?"_

To this day, the words bounced around in her head, jarring just as much as they had when James first uttered them. What had he been thinking?

It was easy to rationalize the thoughts of James Potter because he simply didn't think. He lived life based on instinct and feeling. He wasn't afraid of commitment. He just hadn't realized quick enough how much she ran from it.

Lily Evans had never been one to claim perfection. She had just as many flaws as the next person, and quite possibly more than most. But she'd always feared commitment—it was part of the reason she turned Potter down for so many years before finally giving in to his persistence. Fear of commitment and the fact that he was a prat. Lily smiled to herself, imagining the smirk he would have shot at her if he knew her thoughts. James Potter was proud, reckless, and loyal to a fault. She had every reason in the world to love him. She _did_ love him to a certain extent.

But she wasn't ready for marriage; not with a war brewing on the horizon. A war that James Potter must know about.

His father was across the room from her now.

She'd never met him in the context of being his son's girlfriend. She'd never actually spoken to him. Moody had introduced her when they'd first entered; but she'd just smiled and shook his hand, waiting for a flash of recognition to cross his face. His expression hadn't changed a bit, though James must have told his parents about her. Lily had unobtrusively made her way over to the far side of the room.

Seeing Howard Potter brought back all the memories she'd been suppressing. Lily desperately tried to focus on the conversation happening beside her, but it wasn't working.

 _"_ _Will you marry me?"_

Would he come? Lily hadn't expected to run into James Potter here. To her knowledge, she was the only one of her year in Hogwarts that knew of this meeting. She was probably the only one that knew Dumbledore was gathering a select group of individuals to combat the growing threat.

"Quit looking like you've seen a ghost." Moody growled in her ear, a scowl permanently etched into his features.

"It's similar enough." She hissed back. It was true that James was the spitting image of his father. Her eyes never left Howard Potter, but she was aware of Moody's every move. He might just make her prove her worth in some dramatic fashion in the middle of this meeting.

"He's not coming." Now she did look at Moody, finding a hint of sympathy in his eyes. "Howard doesn't want his son involved."

"James won't be happy." Lily spoke before remembering that she was back to calling him 'Potter'.

"He was accepted for auror training." Moody shrugged. "He'll get here soon enough whether Howard likes it or not. Dumbledore won't let that talent go to waste." He paused pointedly. "I trust it won't be an issue."

"Never, sir." Her temper flared at the implication, but Lily bit her tongue and turned her scowl towards the room. She wasn't a child anymore. She had no excuse to start shouting at Moody.

Quiet spread abruptly through the small gathering. Albus Dumbledore wandered in through the doorway, looking no more perturbed than ever. This could have been a holiday gathering to him for all his face said. Everyone else was looking very serious. Lily watched her former Headmaster, wondering what he thought of her standing amongst so many elite aurors.

"How serious is all of this?" Someone asked, sounding dubious. "This was all very secretive, Dumbledore. I don't like it."

"If you don't like it, Mr. Hodge, then you are free to leave." Dumbledore said, settling with graceful ease in the chair they'd all been avoiding at the head of the long table. Lily stayed standing in the corner with Moody. Mr. Hodge fidgeted for a moment, flushing deep red.

"Is this to truly be behind the Ministry's back?" He asked.

"Have we any more information on this guy?" Howard demanded, shooting a scowl at Mr. Hodge.

"His name is Tom Riddle." Dumbledore answered, surveying them again. "He chooses to be called Voldemort."

"'Flight of death'?" Someone beside her whispered scornfully, accent French. "Pretentious snob."

"He gathers allies among pureblood families. His stance is undeniably muggle-hatred." Why was Dumbledore staring at her? Was Lily the only muggle born witch in the room? She kept from shifting in discomfort by force of will alone.

"They like him; even call him 'Lord'." Fabian Prewett stated, eyes on the table rather than on the room. "He's…intimidating."

"You've met him?" Howard's voice was incredulous.

"Don't be surprised if they show up on your doorstep, Potter!" Fabian barked, leaping to his feet. "Your blood's as pure as mine! _Purer!_ Why would he not recruit among your family?"

"How dare you?" Howard hissed, eyes flashing.

"Oh not _you_ , you stupid old bat. But that son of yours? He's rash—"

"No." Her denial was harsh, striking an odd note in the brewing fight. Both men looked at her. "James wouldn't." The strength of her conviction turned her voice into a whip. "He would be here, ready to fight this, if he knew. Him and his friends." Lily glared beyond Prewett to Dumbledore. Why had he not invited the Marauders to this meeting? Why was it just her?

"His girlfriend, are you?" Fabian sneered.

"I was." She said shortly, feeling her face heat in a blush. _Now_ there was recognition in Howard, as well as a faint bit of surprise. _Displeasure?_ She wasn't sure. "But I don't see what my love life has to do with this meeting."

"The ink is still drying on her diploma! What do you really expect she can do?" He looked to the others for support and found it. Lily's blush deepened.

"She's worth more than six of you." Moody's declaration silenced them. He wasn't known for being overly generous with praise. Lily hadn't known him for long, but this was the first time he'd ever complimented her. Dumbledore let the silence linger, regarding the room with a fond smile.

"What _do_ we know?" Dedalus Diggle asked finally.

"There have been disappearances."

"Coincidence?"

"There's no such thing." Lily spoke at the same time Moody did. It caused a second moment of silence, though this time it didn't linger. Lily vowed not to open her mouth again.

"Too many for coincidence anyway. And it's getting worse. It used to just be the occasional person missing, but now it's almost daily."

"How many followers does he have?" No one knew.

"Where do they operate from?" No one knew that either, though a few had guesses.

From what Lily could tell, all they had was a name and record of many disappearances and some unexplained deaths. Too many to call chance. Her chest tightened with fear and anticipation. She wanted to turn to James—to tell him that this was exactly why marriage was a bad idea. She wished he hadn't asked, because she wanted to be able to curl up in his arms after this. Even if she couldn't tell him about the meeting, she could voice her fears.

 _And what are you afraid of?_ Lily shifted to lean against the wall, wondering if she was going mad. She could hear his voice as easily as if he were standing beside her. _You were the top of your class._

 _Only because you didn't bother with books._ She snorted at the voice in her head. He could have beaten her out with a sneeze of effort, but James never cared for tests and structured learning. She admired his dedication for learning things that meant something.

 _You and I, Lils; there's nothing we can't beat._ He would say with his signature grin in place. She would roll her eyes at his overconfidence, but be glad for it at the same time.

The meeting ran smoothly around her. As different people started to contribute, more details began to emerge. Someone drew a sketch of his followers—they all wore the same dark robes; the same silver masks. The auror department had been tracking their movements over the last few months. They did not have an exact location of Voldemort's headquarters, but there were several guesses. The men in cloaks did nothing to hide the pattern of their movements. _Short-sighted_ , several of them snorted, Lily among them. It was decided that teams would be sent out to each location. For now, they would focus on gathering as much information as possible.

Howard Potter and Moody walked out together with Lily trailing along behind. They were old friends—or were as close to it as Moody's sensibilities would allow—and Lily was to follow Moody until she'd convinced them all she could stand on her own two feet.

They went out to a crowded pub, using the deafening chatter to their advantage. Lily and Howard ordered beers. Moody drank from his own flask.

"I trust this won't be an issue?" Howard asked, looking at her with one eyebrow cocked. He was so much like his son it was amazing.

"I'm not some weeping bitch to get caught up over a boy." She snapped, flushing again. " _No_ , it won't be an issue!"

"He did say you have a temper." Howard shrugged off her shout, lifting his glass to her and Moody before drinking. Lily rolled her eyes at him. "I'm too old to go chasing after youngsters, friend."

"Look spritely enough to me." She muttered under her breath. Both men pretended not to hear.

"Evans can pull her weight." In a hushed whisper, Moody told him about the incident at Christmas. Lily closed her eyes, remembering both the good and the bad.

* * *

 _"_ _Are you sure you have to go?" James whined, fingers entwined through hers still._

 _"_ _I'm very sure." Lily said, trying to sound stern. She failed utterly. The more he begged and teased her about staying, the more she didn't want to leave. "I should have cut my hair." She muttered, using her free hand to try to tame her wild red locks._

 _"_ _But I like it." He pouted, burying his free hand in the hair at the nape of her neck. Warmth ran through her in stark contrast to the freezing winds._

 _"_ _We've had this conversation before, haven't we?" She grinned up at him. She'd mentioned cutting her hair as she'd dressed this morning after catching sight of herself in his mirror. She caught the wicked gleam in his eye seconds before he kissed her. Lily molded herself to him, arms twining around his neck. Why hadn't she given in sooner? Why did she insist on leaving?_

 _Right. It was because of this right here. This all-consuming desire; the need to be close to him; to never let go. She was losing control of herself and her emotions._

 _Lily drug herself back, weaseling out of his arms before it occurred to him to haul her off to some dark corner. She grinned, tossing her hair over her shoulder. James pouted, but it was playful and she knew he didn't want to keep her from her family. She gave him one last, lingering kiss before boarding the train. There were still a few minutes left before it would leave, but she would do something stupid if she stayed near James—like invite him home with her. She hadn't asked, and he'd been nice enough to not assume he was going with her. He hadn't even asked to come; though she'd heard him asking Remus if he_ should _ask her. Lily hadn't heard the answer, but it clearly ended with the right advice._

 _She closed her eyes, relaxing in her lone compartment. Most people were staying at school this year. Parents were afraid of their children coming home, there had been so many unexplained disappearances recently. Safety was near Albus Dumbledore. Those who weren't afraid were on the train with her, but Lily had locked her door and dropped the curtain over the window so no one could see her in here alone. She was safe and comfortable for the long ride ahead. She had a book for company, and her thoughts were swimming with James Potter._

* * *

 _"_ _Lily! Oh, sweetie, I've missed you so much." Her mother enveloped her in a hug as soon as Lily walked through the door._

 _"_ _I've missed you too, mum."_

 _"_ _I'm so sorry we couldn't be there at the station." She drew back, apologetic. "So much to do for tonight! Lily, you really ought to cut your hair. Don't they have hairdressers at your school?" Lily flushed, trying to flatten her hair subconsciously._

 _"_ _I'll just put my stuff in my room." She muttered._

 _"_ _You'll put make-up on too? Vernon is coming over for supper, and it isn't seemly to go without." Her mother smiled brightly, touching her cheek softly. "I've missed you so much."_

 _"_ _I'll go do that." Lily said through her teeth, wondering if her smile looked as forced as it felt. She went upstairs, tossing her bag on the bed before she noticed the owl in the window. It was James' midnight black Orion. She rolled her eyes, but took the letter and read it, holding off the desire to shred it for sheer spite._

 _Lily,_

 _I promise I won't be a pest, but in your haste to run off I didn't get a chance to wish you happy holidays. Have fun with your family. Miss you already_

— _James_

 _p.s. I still think your hair is beautiful just the way it is._

 _Oh how she hated that boy! Lily pressed her hand to her mouth, holding back tears with a will. How could he get her stomach fluttering with just a stupid letter? She sat on her bed for a long minute, clutching his letter and wondering at the effort of obtaining a broom to get herself back to Hogwarts._ 'In your haste to run off'. _So he saw right through her. Lily couldn't help but smile. Was this what love felt like? She didn't want to love him…not yet. But she was warm and fuzzy inside from his letter. James would love her no matter what her hair looked like. He wouldn't care if she wore make-up or not._

 _Lily rose eventually, knowing that she should write back but not knowing what to say. So she put it off, giving Orion a treat before finding make-up and fixing herself up to please her mother._

 _"_ _Lily-pad!"_

 _"_ _Dad." She turned with a warm smile, hugging him tightly._

 _"_ _Your mother said you'd arrived. Was the cabbie nice?"_

 _"_ _Yes, it wasn't a big deal." Lily held off from saying that she'd almost not been able to pay the man. Muggles would not understand wizarding money._

 _"_ _I'm so sorry we couldn't pick you up. It's just crazy with all the family coming here for the holidays this year." He smiled, pushing her back to arms' length. "You look wonderful, Lils; but you really should get your hair cut. Do you want me to make you an appointment with David?"_

 _"_ _No, it's fine." Lily waved him off, jaw clenched against the desire to scream. "I've just been on a train for several hours. I'll tame it down."_

 _"_ _Just let me know if you change your mind." His smile was very genuine. "It's so good to have you home. We miss you so much."_

 _"_ _I know." She thought of James' letter and smiled for real._ He _liked her hair. "I'll be down in a bit." She turned as he left, fetching a bit of paper._

 _James,_

 _I did not run off, thank you very much. I simply knew that if I lingered you'd get it in your head to find a dark closet and then I'd miss the train or leave you to suffer. I wouldn't want you to suffer. I'll be back sooner than you think._

— _Lily_

 _p.s. my parents disagree with your assessment of my hair._

 _She gave the letter to Orion, leaning out the window to watch the owl fly away. Was it wrong of her to wish she could follow when she'd only just arrived?_

 _Lily changed into one of the dresses housed in her closet, knowing that her parents would want her to dress nice. It would paint a picture of perfection. She strapped her wand to her calf, unwilling to go without it even at home, before walking back downstairs. Petunia was hanging off her fiancée, laughing politely at a joke he was finishing. Lily wondered what it was about Vernon that Petunia found so attractive. He was a big, beefy man with a proud mustache who always seemed to drink too much and talk too loud. But he was_ normal _. So normal it was painful._

 _Lily was not permitted to mention magic in front of him. Vernon was never to know that she was a freak. Between him and Petunia, Lily hardly had to contribute to the dinner conversation. Vernon went on and on about a drill company he was starting with and all of his plans to make it bigger and better. Petunia was a-flutter over the upcoming wedding, chatting all about colors and table settings. Lily nodded and smiled as much as she could. She thought of James when she couldn't manage a smile anymore. There would be time enough later to tell her parents about him._

 _Vernon, it seemed, was something of a fixture in the house these days. Petunia hadn't moved out, and they were both very proud to not be living together before being married. It was a perfectly normal thing to do. They boasted about waiting for marriage—Petunia must have mentioned her virginity at least four times a day. A handful of times, comments had been aimed at Lily concerning her purity. She'd blushed and stammered each time, which was enough to make her parents believe she wasn't fooling around with anyone. But she'd been sleeping with James since they started dating—sharing the Heads' dorm made it very convenient—and the whole relationship had started with one drunk night. She couldn't imagine_ not _sleeping with him. She couldn't fathom Petunia's pride._

 _As Christmas approached, Lily fretted and worried over her gift for James. She was afraid of over-doing it. But she thought that he would be extravagant with his gift to her, so she didn't want to fall utterly short either. His gifts through the years had varied in extremes, and she had no reason to think this year would be any different. Her first instinct had been to get him something quidditch related, but it seemed shallow and easy. A book would be silly, because he hardly read anyway._

 _Finally, she'd settled on making something herself and giving it to him; similar to the charm work she'd done as a gift to Slughorn last year. She'd done all the work at Hogwarts, and had the finished sculpture sitting on her desk. Was it good? Was it too much? Four figures chased each other around a swaying tree—a wolf, a dog, a stag, and a rat. They were charmed to turn into figures of each of the four Marauders based on the phases they'd keyed into the Map._

 _Lily wondered if she ought to hold onto the piece for now since she hadn't openly admitted to her knowledge of their secrets. She'd known for years that they were trying to become animagus—and doing so very illegally—and had watched the grounds every full moon. They were crazy and foolish, but Lily had to admire the depth of their friendship._

It's safe _. She told herself, wrapping the statue carefully._ He'll know that I know, and he can come to terms with it while I'm not there _. Short of returning to Hogwarts early, Lily couldn't think of a better gift for him. She sent it off with Orion, nervous still. She really should look into purchasing her own owl. In the handful of letters they'd exchanged, Lily had mentioned needing to borrow Orion to deliver his gift. James had send her gift early but added that unspeakable horrors would happen if she tried to open it early. She believed him capable of setting a time-sensitive prank on her gift. So the modest package stayed on her desk, taunting her._

 _She left the package, wandering down the stairs to the loud complaints of Vernon Dursley. He abhorred Christmas carolers—he seemed to dislike anything remotely joyful—and was not taking to their tradition of going out and singing carols gracefully. This year, Petunia was complaining about it too. But their parents would have none of the refusal. If Vernon didn't want to go, that was his business. The family_ would _go enjoy their tradition. Lily said nothing against the idea, half-thinking this would be her last year spending Christmas Eve with her muggle family._

 _Vernon came along, though he sulked and didn't sing. It was just as well in Lily's opinion. Surely a voice that rough wouldn't sing sweetly. They were at the far end of the neighborhood, aiming for the last house of the block that was at least half a mile from the rest of the houses. Vernon's complaints were loud, but her parents were quite fond of the old widow who lived alone in that house. And truthfully, Lily loved her too. She'd spent many a day in summers past making this trek to laze away the afternoon with Mrs. Tilly._

 _She was lagging behind, hoping distance would make Vernon's voice more bearable. She caught the faint sound of snickering before a flash of bright red light flew in front of her face, missing her nose by inches. Lily yelped, jumping back. A second spell hit her, throwing her four feet. She landed painfully, scraping her elbow and knee raw. She heard Petunia scream._

 _Through eyes streaming tears, Lily saw four cloaked figures approaching her family. A fifth was coming at her. Instinct screamed at her to move. She rolled, ripping her wand from her leg in the process._

 _"_ _Stupefy!" She shouted, nailing the guy in the chest. Petunia was dangling in the air, screaming and trying to keep her dress from falling. Her father was a lump on the ground; her mother was running, screaming at the top of her lungs. Vernon was thrown back six feet into a tree._

 _Rage like nothing she'd ever felt consumed her. It erased all sensation of pain and fear at this random attack. She fired off silent spells at the cloaked figures, infuriated by their laughter. As one they turned to face her. Petunia dropped like a stone. Lily caught her with a quick charm, saving her sister from bashing into the ground head-first. Then she was too busy dodging curses to notice what her family was doing._

 _Masked and cloaked, Lily noted of the attackers. She hadn't the faintest clue who they were, or why they chose to attack muggles._ You picked the wrong family _. She thought savagely, too angry to care about how badly she was outnumbered. Surprise was the only thing working for her. But years spent fighting James were paying off. She was quick on her feet and had them all stumbling in cursing in minutes._

 _As she was wondering about taking at least one hostage, they seemed to come to a unanimous decision that the fun was over. They apparated away before Lily realized what was happening. She cursed under her breath, running over to her family with one eye on the quiet street. Had no one noticed that?_

 _A dark figure limped towards them—a rapid limp. Lily whirled around, wand leveled._

 _"_ _Who are you?" She barked._

 _"_ _Alastor Moody." Came the answer. He stepped into the light of a street lamp, looking every bit of the man she'd seen in the paper. His face was scarred, and the limp would be the leg he lost recently to a duel with dark wizards._

 _"_ _The auror?" She scowled at him, nerves strung tight. "How do I know you're not lying?"_

 _"_ _Constant vigilance!" He nodded sharply. "You got a good instinct girl. Are you seventeen?"_

 _"_ _Yes." Lily said warily._

 _"_ _Good. I hate dealing with Ministry brats over underage magic." He continued his approach, unconcerned with the wand she hadn't lowered. "Who are you?"_

 _"_ _Lily." He stopped a few feet from her, looking her up and down._

 _"_ _Evans?" Moody guessed, eyebrows raised. "Potter's kid never shuts up about a girl named Lily Evans. Looks a lot like you in pictures."_

 _"_ _You know James?" She faltered, wand tip dropping a few inches._

 _"_ _I worked with his father before Howard retired."_

 _"_ _None of this means…" Lily stopped herself, blowing out an aggravated breath. What did it matter if this man was Alastor Moody or not? She kept a wary eye on him, though she turned back to her scattered family. She revived her father with a quick spell, checking to make sure he was coherent before going towards Petunia and Vernon._

 _"_ _Don't touch him!" Petunia shrieked, leaping in front of her unconscious fiancé with her arms spread. "Get away from me, you freak! This is your fault!"_

 _"_ _Petunia—"_

 _"_ _Freak!"_

 _Lily jerked away, throat constricted with a desire to cry. She was acutely aware of Moody's stare. Embarrassment and shame made it hard to breathe._

 _"_ _Who were those people?" Her father asked. "You really need to think about the crowd you're hanging out with, because those friends—"_

 _"_ _They are not my friends!" Lily exploded, sparks flying from the tip of her wand. "Merlin's beard, dad! Just because they're wizards doesn't mean I know who the fuck they are!"_

 _"_ _Language, Lily." He scolded._

 _"_ _Dad."_

 _"_ _You shouldn't go back to that school." He persisted, getting to his feet unsteadily. "If that's the kind of thing you people do…"_

 _"_ _It's not." She hissed. "I don't know what that was, dad; but it's not normal."_

 _"_ _You need to leave!" Petunia shouted, stalking towards them. "Dad, make her leave!"_

 _"_ _Pet…" Her dad sighed, pressing a hand to his face. "Lils…" It wasn't fair._

 _"_ _This isn't my fault." She whispered, noticing too late that Moody had moved closer. She'd forgotten to watch him. Before she had a chance to flinch, he had her elbow in a tight grip. His side-along apparation was possibly the most uncomfortable she'd ever experienced. It felt like her stomach was left behind. She stumbled when he released her and almost threw up._

 _They were standing outside of Hogs Head. Lily blinked at the rickety building, surprised. Moody strode forward, and she followed against her better judgment. The inside was as dingy as the outside, but it was completely deserted._

 _"_ _Aberforth!" Moody barked, throwing himself into a chair. A man appeared from the back, white hair tied up and trailing a goat._

 _"_ _Moody, what brings you down here at this hour?"_

 _"_ _Get the kid a drink." He nodded to her, fishing a flask from beneath his cloak. Lily sat cautiously, wondering if she ought to trust anything from this place. But adrenaline was leaving her, and pain was starting to filter through her awareness. Her elbow was raw and her knee was still bleeding. She had a few other cuts she didn't remember getting. Lily winced as she sat, and accepted the beer gratefully. Aberforth did not linger in the room._

 _"_ _Why did you bring me here?" Lily asked._

 _"_ _You have any formal training in dueling?" His gaze was sharp._

 _"_ _Nothing formal." She hedged._

 _"_ _Informal?"_

 _"_ _There may or may not be an underground dueling club at Hogwarts." Lily shrugged._

 _"_ _Follow the news at all?"_

 _"_ _I skim the Prophet." Again, she shrugged slightly. "I don't read in depth, though." James tended to, however; and he'd told her plenty about the dangers outside the walls of Hogwarts._

 _"_ _There have been disappearances recently." He leaned forward intently. "Too many for sheer chance, and the Ministry's keeping it hushed up. But the reports speak of men in cloaks and masks."_

 _"_ _Like the ones that went after my family?" She frowned. Moody nodded solemnly. "People have talked about it not being very safe anymore, but no one really has anything of substance to say. Just…people vanishing."_

 _"_ _There's people gathering. They've a leader, we think. Don't know who just yet, but it's much more than the Ministry and Prophet would have you think."_

 _"_ _James has hinted at that." Lily said. "But what does it have to do with me? I still don't understand why you brought me here."_

 _"_ _It is going to come to war." Moody spoke very quietly. "Now. There's a legal way to get involved in the fight." He paused deliberately. "Or you slip through the back door and not get caught up in Ministry bullshit. You'll waste years digging out of the paperwork if you go into auror training."_

 _"_ _What's the other way?" She asked, intrigued despite herself._

 _"_ _Dumbledore is pulling together his own force. Free of the corruption of the Ministry. I'll take you with me; train you on the fly. You have the instinct."_

 _"_ _It's not suicide?" Lily wondered, frowning. "Training on the fly?"_

 _"_ _Evans, you held your own against five at once with not an ounce of training. You tell me." He sat back, arms crossed. She thought about it, frowning. She hadn't really known what she wanted to do after Hogwarts. James had been trying to talk her into auror training, but there was a lot to go through before even thinking about taking assignments. She hadn't been sold on the idea until this moment in the wake of being attacked._ If I were better trained, better prepared then it might not have happened. I could have protected them better.

 _She drummed her fingers on the table. She had been part of the brains behind the dueling club—she and her friends had started it with some Ravenclaw girls. Once the Marauder's caught wind of it, the idea had spread like wildfire. They'd been dueling the last three years, and Lily had consistently been one of the best. Especially towards the end of sixth year when James had started coaching her. When some of the duels became doubles, they fought together. They were undefeated, even when fighting five-on-two._

 _"_ _I need more training." She said quietly, not wanting to be over-confident. "But I want to fight."_

 _"_ _Watch for my owl." Moody rose, limping out without a backward glance._

 _"_ _But—wait!" He was gone with a crack. Lily scowled at the empty night air. What had she gotten herself into?_


	2. Beginnings

It was her first real mission. Lily was a bundle of nervous excitement as she braided her hair and twisted it into place. Moody had threatened to chop it all off, though she'd promised to get it completely out of the way. She wouldn't get herself killed over a few loose hairs. His scowl had been fierce, but neither man said a word when she walked into the room. Howard was there reviewing the plan. Lily joined him, determined to not be dead weight. Worried that the handful of training sessions she'd had with Moody wouldn't be enough to prepare her for this mission.

"Simple observation." Moody said, looking between them. "No fancy moves. No heroics."

"Spare us the speech." Howard snorted. "It's going to be a long night. That's what I know." Lily nodded, leading the way from her flat. She wasn't completely sure how her new flat had become their meeting place—maybe they both knew she wouldn't want anything to do with the Potter mansion and Moody didn't trust his shadow with the location of his house. It had been acutely embarrassing to let Howard through the door, and the silence had been unbearable until Moody showed up.

But now they were moving through the dark night, silent as the shadows. The only sound had been the pop of their apparation, but Moody took them to a place that was a good seven kilometers from their destination. Talking was forbidden, of course, so they marched in tense silence. After a while, Howard started muttering under his breath—to quiet for Moody to hear, but he was on her heels. Lily picked out only a few words, but it sounded like he was complaining that he was "too old for this nonsense." She smiled to herself. James would have muttered in much the same way.

Finally, they came near to the house. Lily's heart took off with adrenaline. There was a crowd of people in the lawn, dressed in long dark robes. It was too dark to see faces, though they might have worn masks even in this secret meeting. Moody signaled for her and Howard to go around back. They went carefully, hesitant to make even the slightest sound. Lily counted ten people clustered in the front lawn. Four more were in the back. They weren't close enough to make out the whisper of conversation happening in the lawn.

"This is bad." Howard whispered in her ear. She nodded without taking her eyes from the four.

"I think I know them." She murmured, more to herself than to Howard.

" _Know_ them?"

"From Hogwarts." Lily eased forward. "They were Slytherin…I think." One looked painfully familiar. His robes were distinctive—shabbier than those of his companions. She would have continued slipping forward if Howard hadn't grabbed her arm.

"Enough." He hissed softly. "Let's find Moody." Jaw clenched, Lily slipped after him. Anger pulsed through her, though she told herself it shouldn't be surprising. Severus had turned to this sort of crowd in the last few years, and she knew him well enough to recognize him even hooded and cloaked in the dark. As she was considering ways to curse him without causing permanent damage, shouts erupted somewhere beyond the house.

"Moody!" For an instant, Lily forgot it wasn't James beside her. He'd taught her to go running headfirst into trouble. She sprang forward; knowing that Moody had been caught snooping; forgetting that he'd ordered them to leave as soon as trouble started. No matter what. Howard was right beside her—clearly he'd forgotten that particular order as well. Or maybe he'd never cared.

They worked in unison, firing and blocking spells in turn. Lily quickly found that Howard was as good of a partner as James in a fight. She wondered if Howard taught his son to duel. Moody was shouting at them. The words were incoherent in Lily's ears. She didn't have the experience to focus on more than the rapid-fire curses.

"Let's go!" Howard shouted at her, blocking a violet colored curse in the process. She nodded once. The sharp crack of Howard's apparation was drowned out by a scream from across the field.

" _Moody!_ " He flew backwards six feet, and she knew he was unconscious before he even hit the ground. Lily sprinted forward, shouting " _Stupefy!_ "

"Lily!" Severus' agonized cry came from behind her, and in that moment, she couldn't have cared less about their past friendship. She shot a curse towards him—or at least in the direction she thought his voice came from.

" _Sectumsempra!_ " She shouted, hitting the figure closest to Moody. She dove for him. It felt like sometime struck her side. " _Moody!_ " He was out cold, bleeding profusely from his left eye. Her entire left side felt like it was burning. Severus was screaming her name. Lily latched onto Moody, concentrating with all her might. She apparated with him, reflexively going to her flat. That was the plan.

"Lily!" The world was spinning dangerously. Had she gotten splinched?

"He's…hurt." She gasped out as hands reached out to keep her from falling. Her stomach rebelled. She pressed her hands to her stomach in an effort to keep herself from vomiting. Her hands came away bloody.

"What happened?" The man supporting her demanded as he lowered her to the floor.

"J-James?" It looked so much like him, but the eyes were all wrong. Tears gathered in her eyes because she missed him so desperately it hurt. Why did he have to screw everything up? The man leaning over her was talking, but Lily's ears roared. Darkness swamped her vision and she knew no more.

* * *

 _"_ _Hi Evans."_

 _"_ _No." She said without looking up from the paper in her hands. Potter paused for a beat._

 _"_ _Hello Evans." He repeated, leaning casually against the compartment door. This time, she glanced up at him with an arched brow._

 _"_ _What?" Lily demanded crossly._

 _"_ _I just said 'hi'." He said mildly. "Is there a problem with saying hello to your fellow Head?"_

 _"_ _Hello, Potter." She grumbled, looking back down at the duty sheet in her hands. It wasn't a surprise to see him standing there. She'd gotten Remus' owl of forewarning after the letters had been sent. Though disappointed, Lily hoped the year wouldn't be terrible. Potter hadn't been as bad as usual at the end of last term._

 _"_ _How was your summer?"_

 _"_ _Fine." She perched on the bench, staring determinedly at the paper. If she ignored him enough, surely he'd go off to his friends for the brief time prior to the prefects meeting. There was a poignant pause._

 _"_ _My summer was great, thanks for asking." Potter announced, annoyance creeping into his voice. "Look, Evans, I know you hate me, but we are going to have to work together this year."_

 _"_ _I don't hate you." She disagreed mildly, still without looking at him. Except now he had her full attention._

 _"_ _Oh?" How could a person layer so much meaning into one syllable? She let it hang in the air without elaborating. He wasn't wrong to question her statement. "The giant squid not working out for you?"_

 _"_ _We have our differences sometimes." She shrugged, fighting off a grin. "We'll work it out, I'm sure."_

 _"_ _I dunno, Evans. Clinging to bad relationships like that." Potter shook his head. "Sets a bad example for the little kiddies, you know."_

 _"_ _I'm not going out with you." Lily snapped, anticipating his next statement._

 _"_ _I haven't asked you in months, have I?" He frowned at her._

 _"_ _No." She agreed cautiously. Finally, she looked up at him, confused by his irritation. Potter looked no different than usual—his black hair was a mess, glasses covered bright, hazel eyes; eyes that were full of mischief. His robes fit no different and he hadn't gained more muscle or lost extra fat. He looked the exact same. So why did he seem more mature?_

 _"_ _As I said, we have to work together this year, right? You are Head Girl."_

 _"_ _Obviously." Lily couldn't help but roll her eyes at him. This time, he grinned. "It's not my fault I have expectations where you're concerned, Potter."_

 _"_ _No, I've been a prat." He shrugged loosely. "And I'm sorry."_

 _"_ _An apology?" She rocked back, both eyebrows going up. "I'm impressed, Potter, and I accept your apology." His eyes light up, though still he said nothing about going out. Lily couldn't help but smile. "And I'm sorry for being a brat just now."_

 _"_ _Only now?" He winked, moving to plop down on the same bench. "I'll take what I can get, and I deserved every bit of that, Ev—Lily." She started at the sound of her name coming from him. "So what is it that we're supposed to be doing?"_

 _"_ _Supervising mostly." She sighed, leaning back in what she hoped was a casual manner. "I mean, prefects do most of the work. We just have to make sure they're actually doing what they're supposed to."_

 _"_ _Sounds rough."_

 _"_ _We're leading orientation to their duties in…ten minutes."_

 _"_ _Should we have a good old fight?" Potter asked slyly. "Just to remind them of your temper."_

 _"_ _Why the bloody hell would we do that?"_

 _"_ _We'll get more cooperation if they're afraid of us." He winked broadly, and she rolled her eyes again._

 _"_ _You're a terrible influence." She grumbled. "And you talk about me!" Perhaps for the first time ever, they laughed together and it wasn't hateful to stand beside him during the meeting. There were no unexpected pranks, no nonsense, and no immaturity. Lily went to find her friends in something of a daze. She vowed to ask Remus if something had happened to Potter over the summer._

 _The opportunity was a week later thanks to separate housing for the Heads. Lily wasn't sure what to think of sharing a dorm with Potter, though he hadn't done anything unreasonable yet. When asked, Remus just gave her a sideways look like he had no idea what she was talking about._

 _"_ _He matured?" Remus had said with an undeniable level of skepticism. "I dunno what to tell you, Lily. He's still the same guy."_

 _She hadn't pressed the issue; hadn't accused Remus of being deliberately obtuse. Maybe he really hadn't noticed. But there was definitely something different about Potter, and it was a good sort of different. Maturity was definitely part of it, but he also seemed to have a level of self-awareness that had been lacking before. Or maybe it was an awareness and empathy for others. Oh, there were still Marauder's pranks, even just a few weeks into the year, but they were tasteful and teasing. Lily found amusement in them, even when she was one of the "victims."_

 _She found herself thinking of Potter constantly, almost consumed by the changes in him. She wanted desperately to hate him for taking over her thoughts and dreams, but she couldn't. She was irritated with herself._

 _"_ _Lily." A hand shot out to catch her elbow. She jumped a foot, whirling to find Severus behind her. She should know better than to wander through the dungeons this late, but she hadn't anticipated Slughorn keeping her for so long. "How are you?"_

 _"_ _I'm fine." She answered, eyeing the hand he left on her arm. "But I really should be going. I have duties—"_

 _"_ _I've missed you." He blurted._

 _"_ _Don't do this."_

 _"_ _I'm sorry! Lily, please understand—"_

 _"_ _Understand?" She snorted, trying to step back. He followed her until she backed herself into the wall. "Sev, I understand just fine. Your friends hate muggleborns, and you think the same thing about every muggleborn except me! I can't be some exception to the rule. I_ am _muggleborn. I am a mudblood, Snape."_

 _"_ _It's Potter." He sneered, eyes flashing. "Talking to you—"_

 _"_ _I don't need Potter to make my every decision!" She shouted. "Merlin's beard, when have I_ ever _given anything he says the time of day? You're just as much of a jealous prat as he is! I'm not a prize, Sev." To her complete surprise, he stepped forward and kissed her. She stiffened, trying to jerk back but was caught between the wall and the hand he had wrapped around her neck. The kiss was sloppy and entirely unwelcome. Lily was incredibly aware of how bad his breath smelled._

 _"_ _Let go!" She tried to say, shoving against his chest. In all the time she'd known him, Lily had never once considered any sort of romantic relationship with Severus Snape. And now he wouldn't let go. The thought that he might not stop flashed through her mind, and she was terrified that she might be right. She grabbed her wand, firing a silent stunning spell that threw him against the far wall. Lily didn't waste a moment. She bolted down the corridor, fearing that his friends might be lurking somewhere._

 _She ran into no one on the long sprint back to the Heads' dorm. She burst through the portrait hole, gasping for breath with her hair frizzed out around her face. All four Marauders went leaping to their feet, none so fast as Potter. Emotion caught up to her then, and she crumpled—right into Potter's arms. Lily hated herself for crying, but she couldn't help it._

It's Potter, isn't it? _Snape's words replayed in her head. Was there a grain of truth to it? Her arms were tight around Potter now. She'd hidden her face in the crook of his neck. She was_ glad _to have his arms around her, holding and supporting her. Was it wrong of her to change her opinion of Potter? And dimly, in a distant corner of her brain that was comparing being in the arms of two so very different men, she was aware of how good Potter smelled in comparison to Snape._

 _Lily didn't completely remember how she'd gotten from being wrapped around Potter to alone in her bedroom without breathing a word of what happened. To their credit, none of them asked her directly. But over the course of the next week, Lily realized that she always had one of them in her shadow. Subtlety protecting her. It warmed her to the core. Lily didn't admit what Snape had done to any of her friends; didn't even confess her moment with James Potter. She tried to forget, but there was a piece of her that didn't want to forget. There was a piece of her that wanted to put Snape in the same sort of terrifying position she'd been in down in the dungeons. Maybe she'd overreacted. He probably wouldn't have tried to rape her, but Lily knew any of his friends would if they were so inclined. They could easily feed that poison into Snape—he was already a very different man from the boy he'd been when they were friends._

 _She wanted to find a way to punish him. Punish without actually hurting, though all of her ideas were tinged with thoughts of true injury. She wasn't good at embarrassing tricks. She'd never tried to prank anyone before._

 _"_ _James." He jumped a foot, looking up from his essay with wide eyes. Lily gaze at him passively, quietly thinking that he'd started a little too much. "I need your help."_

 _"_ _My help?" He croaked, and then cleared his throat. "With what?"_

 _"_ _A prank."_

 _"_ _A…prank?" He blinked at her a few times. "Did you call me James?"_

 _"_ _That is your name, isn't it?" She scowled, though her face heated. Had she ever called him by his given name?_

 _"_ _I didn't know you knew it." A grin blossomed across his face, and Lily felt herself smiling in return without the conscious intention to do so. "So miss Evans, a prank, is it?"_

 _"_ _Yes." She sat down on the other side of his desk, lacing her fingers together._

 _"_ _Who's got you so royally pissed?" She hesitated, but he'd figure it out eventually._

 _"_ _Snape." Lily said through her teeth. Surprise flitted across Potter's face, and it was quickly followed by a scowl._

 _"_ _What did he do?"_

 _"_ _That is none of your business." She snapped._

 _"_ _Does it have anything to do with last week?" He guessed shrewdly._

 _"_ _Never mind." Lily vaulted to her feet, realizing in an instant that she didn't want to go there with Potter. Snape's words had replayed like a broken record inside her head for the last week. She was aware now of just how much she'd warmed to James Potter. Enough that she'd call him James, if only once, and ask for his help._

 _"_ _Hey." Potter called softly, stopping her in her tracks. "I won't ask again. Promise." He paused, and she wavered. Lily looked back at him, trying to gauge his intention. "I won't pass up an opportunity to prank Sniv—Snape."_

 _"_ _Obviously." She muttered under her breath, twisting away. What did she really want from this?_

 _"_ _Look, I know you're not super big on rule breaking, but why don't we nip down to Hogsmeade and have a pint at the Three Broomsticks? Not a date!" He clarified quickly. "You look like you could use something to take the edge off, and we can plan a nice prank for Snivellus."_

 _"_ _It's not a date." Lily said fiercely, and he nodded emphatic agreement. It took no more encouragement than that. He bowed her from the common room and quickly took her to the seventh floor and a mirror that opened to reveal a passageway. "Secret tunnel?" She snorted, eyeing him._

 _"_ _One of seven." Potter nodded like it was completely normal thing to know about. He shut the mirror behind them and led the way—either not noticing or ignoring her gaping at his back._

 _It wasn't until they'd reached the end of the tunnel and were strolling into the streets of Hogsmeade that Lily fully realized what she was doing. Sneaking out wasn't the issue_ _—she'd broken plenty of rules all on her own_ _—but to stroll quite amiably with_ _James-fricken-Potter?_ That _was the problem. She_ _was honestly enjoying the comfortable silence between them as they walked towards the Three Broomsticks. It felt like a date. She knew it easily could be. He'd be the type of boyfriend to sneak her off grounds for extravagant adventures. She could learn to enjoy it._

 _A pint of beer was not what she wanted. Lily went for firewhiskey, ready and willing to start a fight with Potter if he dared say something about it. She_ wanted _a fight. Instead, he matched her drink and threw it back in a single go. A challenge ensued, because Lily wasn't about to be out-drank by the likes of James Potter._

 _Her head was buzzing by the time he drug her over to a secluded booth. They huddled together in it, legs touching as James went through a dozen ideas for pranks. Lily kept suggesting adding painful elements, until he accused her of having a violent nature. She ordered another shot after that comment, though this time, he didn't match her._

 _"_ _Lily." His voice was low and husky. "I said I wouldn't ask—"_

 _"_ _He kissed me." She blurted, looking at him quickly. Potter would react poorly, she knew. He was very still. "A-and I didn't want him to; I didn't realize he was going to. I ran into him on the way back from Slughorn's office, and he said he missed me and then he just kissed me." She looked away. "I tried to get him to stop, and he wouldn't. And I swear, it was just…gross." She shivered a bit. "His breath smelled really bad."_

 _"_ _Did he hurt you?" James was tense, protectiveness riled._

 _"_ _No, I stunned him." Lily shook her head, ignoring the way his mouth quirked in half a smile. "And I mean, I don't think he meant to scare me. I overreacted, really; but I wasn't sure if he was going to stop or try to push all the way."_

 _"_ _You had every right to be afraid." He murmured, starting to reach for her before thinking better of it._

 _"_ _It was gross." She repeated._

 _"_ _And have you had many gross kisses before, Evans?" James demanded, shaking his head slightly._

 _"_ _More gross than good." She wrinkled her nose at him. "Am I drunk?"_

 _"_ _Probably." He snorted. "I certainly am."_

 _"_ _How—" She hadn't realized how close they were. He tilted his head just slightly, lips touching hers. Lily forgot how to breathe. She responded to him, reaching to grab a fistful of his hair as he deepened the kiss, more sure of her now. She lost track of everything except the feeling of his lips against hers. She'd do anything in the world to make him kiss her again._

 _Finally, James separated himself from her, pushing her very gently back. He was flushed, eyes overly bright._

 _"_ _I'm sorry." He said breathlessly._

 _"_ _What?" Lily blinked, confused._

 _"_ _You're…drunk. I'm drunk." He ran his hands through his hair. "You wouldn't…fuck."_

 _"_ _James?"_

 _"_ _You wouldn't want this sober." He stated. "Would you?" Her mouth opened and closed a few times._ Would I? _"Why am I such an ass? Damn it!"_

 _"_ _James, stop."_

 _"_ _No!" He stood abruptly, swaying only a little. "Come on, Evans." She followed him, grabbing his hand and holding it because it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. They were halfway back when it occurred to her._

 _"_ _James! James, James, James."_

 _"_ _What?" He stopped abruptly, turning in the same motion. She ran right into him, forgetting everything when his hands found her waist to steady her. Lily rose on her toes and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He groaned into her mouth, pulling her flush to his body. She could spend all day like this and never get bored, she decided abruptly. "Lily…" Again, he pushed her back after a minute of heated snogging._

 _"_ _I don't remember what I was going to say." She admitted sheepishly. James rolled his eyes at her, turning to continue down the passage. "Oh!"_

 _"_ _Oh?"_

 _"_ _Don't tell anyone." His eyes narrowed. "About Snape." Why did he relax? "It was just a kiss, nothing more. Nothing that needs to be reported."_

 _"_ _If you're sure." James sighed, waiting for a moment to see if she'd change her mind. "I promise, Lily." She nodded, feeling better. He took her hand again, leading her the rest of the way through the tunnel, though he paused outside the mirror._

 _"_ _James?" She questioned as he pulled a spare bit of parchment from his pocket._

 _"_ _I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." He said, touching the tip of his wand to the paper. Lily gasped as ink appeared on the parchment._

 _"_ _Marauder's Map?" She whispered, staring over his shoulder._

 _"_ _It's not completely done." James told her, though not without a bit of pride. "We're trying to make the names move as the people do, but we can't make the charm work right. It shows where they were when you activated the map." He pointed to where they were standing, scanning for professors nearby before opening the mirror to let them out. "We weren't originally going to put names into it, but Peter thought it would be great for sneaking around."_

 _"_ _Is that why Black has been joining Remus in the library recently?" Lily wondered, threading her arm through his. James grinned._

 _"_ _It has nothing to do with the map." He told her solemnly. No matter how much she prodded and begged, James wouldn't say anything further. They made it safely back to the Heads' dorm. "Mischief managed."_

 _"_ _Mischief managed?" Lily snorted, amazed though by the complexity of the spellwork already on the map._

 _"_ _Of course."_

 _"_ _So why's Black in the library?"_

 _"_ _I'm not going to tell you." James laughed, shaking his head stubbornly._

 _"_ _If I kiss you, will you tell me?"_

 _"_ _No." Lily kissed him anyway, enjoying the way his hands trailed over her back. They were in his room by the time she decided that she'd had way too much firewhiskey. But she decided in the same thought that she didn't really care. It felt much, much too good to stop now._


	3. Partners

Lily woke slowly, groggy like she'd just drank too much firewhiskey. But that night had been at least a year ago. Or had it? She remembered it like it was yesterday.

She'd woken in his arms with a fierce hangover. Her first instinct had been to bolt, but her head had been throbbing too much and he looked so peaceful in sleep. So she'd stayed; fallen back asleep and re-woke to him kissing her. It was sweet, though as soon as they got out of bed, it became incredibly awkward. Or maybe that was just her. She'd bolted as soon as she located her clothing, and spent two weeks trying to figure out how she'd managed to end up in his bed. She hadn't known how terrible James felt about it until Remus cornered her. Hearing that James was afraid he'd practically raped her was a slap in the face. One that Lily had never forgotten. She'd cornered him in the common room that night, delivering a stern lecture about her level of consent. She'd been perfectly happy with that night. She had no regrets.

It wasn't until the morning after, when she was waking up in his arms again, that James dared to ask her out one last time. She'd said yes and hadn't had a moment's regret until he proposed.

Lily groaned under her breath, wishing she could be back in that moment, hang-over and all. She opened her eyes to a blurry surrounding of white-wash walls. A figure was slumped over in the chair beside her. For an instant, she thought it was James.

"Lily!" Howard sat up quickly, chocolate eyes wide. "Are you alright? How do you feel?"

"Groggy." Her voice was little more than a croak. She started coughing. He supported her, summoning a cup of water for her to sip. "C-confused."

"You're at St. Mungo's." He told her softly. For a brief moment, Lily was confused even more. How had she gotten in the hospital?

"Moody!" She gasped, remembering everything in a flash. Howard held her down.

"Dumbledore is with him." Howard said soothingly. "He's going to lose that eye, I think; but he's alive thanks to you."

"B-but…" Lily looked around wildly, registering the sterile room.

"Steady, kiddo." Slowly, she relaxed into the pillows, taking deep breaths.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Moody is going to be fine." He answered, voice still pitched to sooth. Lily blinked for a second, realizing belatedly that she'd wanted the answer to be about James. She pressed her hands to her face. "The Healers say you'll be fine, too. You won't even have a scar to show off." He grinned at her, inviting her to share his humor. She grimaced. "Sleep, Evans. I need you on your feet as soon as possible."

* * *

She spent three days in the hospital after her first moment of consciousness. Lily hadn't had any visitors since Howard left, but she received word that someone would be in contact in the next few days about her next mission. She wasted time getting settled into her flat, but only managed to unpack the things she desperately needed rather than make any progress on the mess. She was staring at the rather overwhelming collection of boxes when someone knocked on her door.

She opened it to find Howard Potter standing there with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Mind if I come in?" He asked. "I brought this." He held up the wine with a slight smile. Lily stepped to the side, waving him in.

"Can I help you?" Lily wondered, shutting and locking the door in his wake. She blushed as he surveyed the mess of her flat. "I really haven't had that much of a chance to unpack…"

"It's awkward, I know." He interrupted, setting the glasses on the only bit of her table that was clear. "Me being James' father and all, but there are some things that can't be helped, yeah?"

"Sure?" Her face felt like it was on fire.

"It's not my fault James is an idiot." Howard added, busy uncorking the wine and pouring two glasses. "Well maybe it is all things considered." He laughed to himself. "But I warned him that you'd run if he took things too fast, and now look." He passed her a glass, and Lily took a big gulp, only just managing to not choke herself.

"I see where he got the bluntness." She said hoarsely. Howard laughed freely, and she felt herself relaxing.

"The apple seems to never fall far." He winked. "I would like to speak with you, Lily, and I have a proposition for you if you're interested."

"I'm listening." She nodded, clearing off two chairs for them.

"I will admit, I'm shocked at how well you fought last week." All of the teasing was gone from him. Howard fixed her with an unblinking stare. "Shocked and very impressed."

"Ah, well…"

"James taught you, didn't he? Your style is a reflection of his; which is a reflection of mine."

"I wondered if you'd taught him." Lily admitted, battling a blush still.

"I did, much to his mother's dismay." Howard nodded, still very serious. "You are worthy of the praise Moody gave you. Now, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable or inflate your ego. You've a ways to go still, but Moody is going to be out of commission for a while."

"I'm not going to be able to do much, am I?"

"That depends on if you and I can get along." He shrugged loosely. "I need a partner, Evans, and of the people Dumbledore's recruited, I think you're the one I'll get along with best."

"You want me as your partner?" Lily gaped, heart clenching in her chest. Could she tolerate being around a man that looked so similar to James?

"If you can stand to be around me." Howard smiled slightly, though she winced. "Everything that happened between you and James is your business. I'm not asking you based on some misguided desire to protect you on his behalf. I need a partner who's not going to run from a fight; someone who will have my back and trust me to have theirs. Moody's not wrong in thinking you have the instinct to make a fantastic auror. You've obviously got some manner of experience in dueling, but you are also very clearly not trained."

"You're contradicting yourself." Lily pointed out, frowning.

"The instinct that makes you run to a fight, instead of away, is what matters most to me." Howard told her, leaning forward. "I can't train that instinct into someone. I don't want a partner who will turn and run when things get hairy. I don't want a partner who will stand there and wait for instruction when things don't go according to plan. Last week, you demonstrated that you will come running if I'm in danger. You proved perfectly capable of taking the initiative; staying for the rescue instead of escaping to safety. Yes, Evans, I will train you before we go out on missions. I will train you even when we're taking missions. You need it."

"I know." She said faintly. "I know I do." Her head was buzzing with conflicting thoughts. He was James' father, and she wanted to escape all reminders of the man she still loved. Howard was not only directly related to James, they were practically identical in looks. But a partnership with anyone, much less an auror as experienced as Howard Potter was not something she ever dreamed would be offered to her. Especially not so early in the game. She _wanted_ his experience and his tutelage. Howard could train her to be exactly the kind of warrior she wanted to be. It was a lot to take in all at once.

"I don't know if you still talk, but I don't want James to know about any of this." Howard's gaze was piercing. "You must know that if he gets wind of it, James won't rest until Dumbledore's brought him in too. I don't want this for James, and frankly I wouldn't want it for you; but that wasn't my choice. Moody brought you in, and you're obviously not running yet."

"I won't run." Lily snapped, offended by the thought.

"So it would seem." He paused, examining her closely. "What do you say, Evans?"

 _She blinked, and it wasn't Howard staring at her. She was lying beside James, his fingers skimming lightly over her bare hip. "What do you say, Evans?" He whispered in her ear, lips ghosting over the shell. "Will you go out with me?"_

"Yes." Lily spoke aloud without quite meaning to—the same answer she'd given James. She met his father's gaze without blinking.

"Good." Howard nodded once before finishing his glass. He topped them both off and toasted her. "Partners." She echoed his motion, sipping on the wine this time rather than gulping it.

"How is James?" She asked, unable to stop herself.

"He's getting better." Howard told her with a slight shrug. "Glad to be getting started in his training. He's moved in with Sirius—a flat in London, I believe. Said he was too old to be living with us. Not that I blame him at all. Hell, I moved out sooner than he did."

"That's a bundle of trouble." Lily shook her head slightly. "Are they on the muggle side?"

"Yeah, Sirius was bent on getting as far from his roots as possible."

"His family's in on this Voldemort thing, aren't they?" She grimaced, feeling bad for him.

"The Blacks are notorious for pureblood ideology." Howard nodded glumly. "Sirius wasn't able to give me much information, but he knows they're neck deep in it."

"They wouldn't believe it if he tried to go back and spy for us." Lily frowned at her glass. "James said he was estranged between fifth and sixth year. He lived with you, didn't he?"

"Aye, he did that. Good kid." Howard drained his wine, looking around the flat again. "Have you eaten, yet?"

"Erm…"

"My wife will kill me if I don't offer to bring you over for a bite." He grinned. "She'd love to cook for you."

"Oh, it fine." Lily said hurriedly. "I don't need—"

"And what will you do instead? Take out?" He snorted. "I swear to you, James won't be there."

"I'm perfectly capable of cooking for myself." She gulped down the rest of her wine, ignoring the way it burned her throat.

"Grace will be very disappointed if you don't come over."

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Howard just smiled. "Stubbornness runs in the family, too. Doesn't it?"

"Of course." He winked. Lily rolled her eyes, rising.

"Learn to live with disappointment, Potter." She advised, offering the glass back to him. "I have things to do here."

"By my estimate, you've had almost four days to unpack this mess." Howard told her. "Are you really going to do more than sit and stare at the wall?"

"Bugger off."

"You're going to have to come to the mansion eventually." He argued, still grinning.

"Another day." Lily crossed her arms.

"Tomorrow." Howard's grin bordered on wicked. "Waste no time, Evans."

"I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Grace will be very disappointed." He warned, heading for the door anyway. "She'll tell you all about it in the morning." Lily rolled her eyes at his back, locking the door behind him. She wasn't mentally prepared to be around James' family right now. She wasn't ready to admit that Howard read her perfectly.

Lily curled up on her couch, staring absently at her toes and wondering what James was doing. _How is it that I'm the one that broke up with him, and I'm here wishing it never happened?_ Tears gathered in her eyes, but she sternly forbade herself from shedding them. She would _not_ cry over the likes of James Potter!

* * *

"Up you get, sunshine!" Lily came awake abruptly as her covers were yanked back. She sat up with a gasp and silent curse for the asshole rude enough to wake her. It missed by a wide margin. "You'll have to be quicker than that." Howard Potter taunted, flinging open her curtains. _Insult to injury_. Lily scowled at him.

"Do locked doors mean nothing to you people?" She snarled.

"Doors without wards are an invitation." He sniffed, prancing out of her room. "Come on, sunshine! You're wasting the day!" Lily muttered rude words under her breath, dragging herself from bed. It was six in the morning.

She stomped out to the kitchen once dressed. Howard was reading through the Prophet, entirely unconcerned with her temper. Lily set the paper on fire for sheer spite, making him jump.

"You deserved that." She growled, eyes narrowed. "Shall we?"

"You're buying me a new Prophet." He grouched, twirling his wands through his fingers. "Later. For now, you're going to ward this place solid."

Lily pushed aside fatigue and irritation, focusing on the spells he described and why each was important to protect her home. She cast each, aware that he watched her like a hawk. She memorized the set of spells, guessing that they may come in handy again someday. Howard did not offer praise when she finished. He gestured her from the flat and made her cast a few more charms outside—one of which was an apparation barrier. Lily wasn't sure she was pleased about not being able to appear directly outside her door anymore, but didn't argue against his precaution.

Then, he took her to the Potter mansion via side-along apparation. It was nicer than her one time with Moody, but Lily decided she didn't much care for being drug along like that. Howard strode forward without pause, though Lily stood for a minute and just stared. Somehow, she'd never quite figured for the sheer size of this place even though everyone referred to it as a mansion. Her chest tightened. _I can't measure up to this! Thank Merlin we broke up, because this is just…_ Lily couldn't even wrap her head around it. Sure, she knew in a vague sort of way that his family was wealthy, but this far surpassed her expectations.

Ashen, she followed Howard down the winding path to a side door. It opened into a bright, airy kitchen where three house elves flitted around preparing what appeared to be a rather extravagant meal. With them was a woman with pencil-straight red hair, whisking something and giggling over a joke one of the house elves was saying. Lily was immediately self-conscious about her hair, though it wasn't her first time meeting Grace Potter. Howard strode forward to pluck the bowl from his wife's hands, and with an apology to the house elf, bent his wife back for a long kiss. Lily flushed, jerking her gaze away before jealousy could grab her.

"Need something?" A voice at her elbow asked cheerfully. "Master James told Missy all about you."

"Did he now?" Lily croaked.

"All good things." The house elf winked broadly, and Lily had to laugh.

"Well that's awfully good of him, I suppose." She held out her hand without stopping to consider if the house elves here would like to be treated as equals. Missy grabbed her hand and shook it with enthusiasm. "It's very good to meet you, Missy." The house elf giggled and darted off to grab a plate of scones. Though not particularly hungry, Lily couldn't refuse the offer.

"Lily, dear." James' mother enveloped her in a hug like they were old friends.

"Hi…Mrs. Potter." She said awkwardly.

"Just Grace, Lily. Merlin, I've heard enough about you that I feel like I already know you!" She laughed before whirling around on her husband. "Howard, I swear, do you really make her call you _Mr. Potter?_ "

"No!" He held up his hands, backing away. "No, not at all."

"Well." Grace huffed, spending a moment glaring at him. "I'm very sorry you couldn't come for dinner last night. I love to cook." Lily smiled guiltily, noticing Howard's smirk. "Howard said you were busy, but really; a girl's got to _eat_. Right?"

"Right!" Missy nodded before turning large green eyes on the uneaten scone in Lily's hands. Hurriedly, Lily took a bite.

"I won't see you falling over for want of a little sustenance on those missions of yours." Grace continued, shooting a scowl at her husband. "Retirement, he says. I'm done with all that, he claims."

"That was before this guy." Howard said quietly.

"Never marry an auror, Lily." She warned, shaking her head. "The worry just never ends, and retirement is a joke. You can take a man from the service—"

Lily wasn't privy to whatever Howard said to his wife. She found she had to turn away from the intimacy of what was happening across the kitchen. They were older than her parents, but she'd known that already. Grace had a very hard time getting pregnant, and they'd all but given up hope when James came along. The very air was suffocating. How many times had James stood behind her with his arms tight around her, as Howard was holding Grace?

She retreated, unable to tolerate her swirling emotions. No wonder James was so comfortable expression emotion. No wonder he never felt the need to hold back. Lily leaned against the outside wall, trying to remember the last time she'd seen her parents hug, much less kiss. Shortly after she'd gotten her letter, once it had been explained that Hogwarts wasn't a hoax. Her dad had wrapped her mother in a hug for a long minute—relief, she knew now. They'd known she was different, and an explanation that had nothing to do with mental illness had taken a great weight from their shoulders. All shows of affection were verbal—it was just words. Sometimes they meant something. Sometimes they were empty. _Most of the time they were empty words._ Lily thought to herself, gazing across the vast lawn.

She straightened as the door opened, adopting a calm expression by the time Howard located her behind the door. He bore an apologetic grin.

"Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." He started.

"Oh, not at all." Lily waved him off, forcing herself to smile. "I just thought I'd give you some space. Grace seemed a little upset."

"I wasn't born yesterday, Evans." Howard rolled his eyes at her. "Being around your ex's parents after the kind of break up you and James had? If that's not at least a little uncomfortable for you, then you're made of ice." She flushed, dropping her gaze.

"It changes nothing." Lily said with more force than she'd intended. "I knew what I was getting into last night when I agreed." She looked at him, disappointed to find him giving her a penetrating look. It would have been easier if he let her brush it off with a smile and laugh. "Are we going to train?"

"No."

"No?" She repeated with a frown.

"We're going to talk." Howard said firmly, gesturing her back into the house. She slunk back inside, following him through a maze of hallways that eventually led into his office. Everything she could saw was ornate and reeked of old money. Lily felt small and insignificant in the face of it. "Have a seat." He gestured to the chair set in front of the desk.

Lily sat, hating the way the cushions conformed perfectly around her. It was quite possibly the most comfortable piece of furniture she'd even sat on. Rather than sit behind his desk, Howard drug the other chair around to sit beside her. He was quiet for a minute, just watching her.

"If you will grant me this moment of ego, I would tell you of myself." He started quietly. "I'm observant enough to know that you see James whenever you look at me. I am not my son, Lily."

"Sir—"

"Maybe you loved him; maybe you didn't. Right now, I don't really give a damn." Howard overrode her protest. "I'm not dealing with you as a father. Your history with James only concerns me for the impact it has on our partnership. You need to see _me_."

"I'm not—"

"Shut up." Lily flushed with indignation, though maybe it was just as well. What could she really say? "My father was an auror—there's something about the Potter men that makes us all turn into aurors. Runs in the family. And I wanted to be just like my father growing up, though there never was a more stubborn and hard-headed man than him. I went through Hogwarts doing everything I could to prepare myself for the training. Never broke a damn rule the entire time I was there. Of course, I was accepted into the training, and my journey through it was fairly standard.

"Except, I got hit pretty bad with a curse and they sent me off to St. Mungo's for a look. I encountered the prettiest Healer-in-training while I was there, and spent the next month running into every stupid spell I could just to go back. I got quite a reputation for it. Eventually, Grace told me I was being stupid, and if I wanted to see her that much I should just ask her on a date. So I did, and well… I suppose you can figure out how that ended.

"The fate of every young auror is to push paper around a desk until someone important gets benched or killed. I was no exception to that, until Cressley got blown to bits in a freak accident. Then I took his place, partnered to old Quiach. He was very by the book and routine in his work. Boring, really. He thought I was too reckless, so I was switched over to partner with Norton.

"And they said I was reckless, _Merlin_ that man begged for trouble…"

Howard went off at that point, eyes glassy as he remembered. Lily listened intently, grasping at any and every difference she could find between his mannerism and James'. Howard wasn't wrong that she was mentally comparing them often. Even hearing of his past wasn't changing much. Howard had gotten into many scrapes during his time as an auror, and shaved death more often than not. It had been hard on his marriage, especially after James was born. But there was love enough to go around, and he spoke fondly of his wife's worries. More than once, Howard said that Grace was the only reason he'd lived so long. He feared that James would have the same reckless nature; he worried what might happen if James didn't have someone to live for.

Howard spoke for several hours, and for most of it, Lily was enthralled. She never knew working as an auror could be quite so exciting. True, he complained about the paperwork several times, but he'd seen quite a bit through the years. His experience was daunting. But his desire to teach was just as great. They cleared away furniture eventually, discussing various spells; learning and teaching in turn.

For a moment, Lily even forgot he was James' father.


	4. The Order of the Phoenix

It wasn't good the things they'd learned. Lily stared at the papers spread across the table, feeling the same growing sense of terrible foreboding that was dawning on the faces of those around her. This was more, much more than an idle threat.

 _Grindelwald._ A few had mentioned the dark wizard in hushed whispers. This Voldemort was as bad as he had been—worse, maybe. The Ministry had responded in a paltry manner. A new Minister had been named based on fears that Eugenia Jenkins wouldn't be enough to counter the rising threat. Harold Minchum had a reputation for being unforgiving. There was talk that he had plans to increase security on Azkaban. His answer was dementors—darkness to counter darkness.

Gideon Prewett had snorted at that declaration. He and his brother had heard rumors that Voldemort was recruiting among magical creatures as well. He had an open treaty with the giants and had reached out to several werewolves. Surely he would continue with dementors soon—if he hadn't already.

"Remus?" She whispered to Howard, too quiet for others to hear.

"Later." He murmured. "Quietly." She nodded her agreement. Better to keep his condition secret than to announce that they had a werewolf contact so soon.

The conversation continued. Someone volunteered more information: the name of his followers. _Death Eaters_. Lily shuddered. She wasn't the only one looking uneasy. Names were powerful things. Already people were fearing to say Voldemort's chosen name. Others were calling him 'Lord'.

"We need a name." Fabian said abruptly, looking around at the group. "Something official."

"You're right." Benjy Fenwick exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "A damn powerful name!"

"Something catchy."

"Simple." Gideon disagreed.

"Death Eater Eaters!" His brother shouted, laughing. Lily rolled her eyes, though she grinned as well.

"Justice Corps."

"Phoenix Rising—Dumbledore has a phoenix, right?"

"Wand Order."

"Rebel Law."

"Order of the Phoenix." Howard threw it out like it was no better than the other ridiculous names, but everyone paused, looking at him.

"The Order of the Phoenix." Fabian repeated slowly, a grin spreading on his face. Everyone said it, with slow nods and a growing sense of unity.

"To the Order!" They toasted their various drinks. Lily smiled with them all, but quietly, she couldn't help but think they were cheering their own deaths. How else would this war end but in death?

Names are powerful things. With a name, they had a purpose. It cemented in everyone's bones. They had an enemy with a name and a face; they knew his followers and they knew their purpose.

It was a cold, consuming fire.

Lily threw herself into plotting and planning. Her apartment went untouched—the boxes gathered dust as she spent more and more time at the Potter mansion. She trained with Howard every day and went on missions with him at night. Most of the time, the missions were incredibly boring. They staked out key locations, monitoring the comings and goings of Death Eaters. Occasionally, it turned into a fight. Lily collected scratches from those, which Grace invariably healed with much tutting and fussing. Howard was generally less roughed up, though he claimed it was her youthful exuberance that kept him from being hit—she was busy jumping in front of the curses while he was running away.

She no longer feared running into James at the mansion. The family had a tradition of Sunday dinners, which Lily pointedly avoided; and James was never around outside of that day. So it was an incredible surprise to turn away from the kitchen counter while reading a report to run into a solid wall of young man.

"Oof." She stumbled, catching herself on the counter.

"Hello Evans." Sirius Black said coolly, crossing his arms. The blood drained from her face, because there was no hiding now. She looked past him, unable to help herself. "He's not here."

"Oh?" Her chest tightened—was it disappointment? Relief?

"What I want to know is why _you_ are here." Sirius growled. "Last I checked this was the Potters' home, and you're not dating James anymore…"

"Right on both accounts." Lily agreed icily, stepping around him. "I'm surprised, Black. Usually your record isn't that great."

"Back to that, are you?" He grabbed her arm, jerking her back. "What the fuck, Evans?"

"You'll upset Grace if we fight."

" _I said what the fuck?_ " Sirius exploded, shoving her roughly. "How dare you prance around here like you own the place after what you did to James?"

"What I did to him?" Lily cried, hands clenched. "Damn it—"

"You are a right piece of shit, Evans."

"Just _shut up!_ " She shouted. "He knew better. He should have known better!"

"You _destroyed_ him!" Sirius shouted, crowding into her. His face was dark with rage, and Lily felt tears burning in the back of her eyes. She'd done so good at not thinking about James in the last few weeks. She'd been busy with the Order and too exhausted at night to dream of him.

"You don't know _anything._ "

"I'd offer to leave you two alone." Howard drawled from the doorway. "But that would appear to be a terrible idea." Lily jerked back, only just realizing that she'd been inches from Sirius.

" _How_ —"

"Don't you go shouting at me, boy." He shook his head. "Evans is welcome in my house same as you."

" _Why?_ " Sirius demanded, looking between them.

"She's a nice girl." Howard shrugged loosely, deliberately misinterpreting. "I've no reason not to welcome her."

"Oh really?" He snorted.

"If you don't approve, then you know where the door is." Howard said coldly, nodding towards it. "I have a working relationship with her, which means that she has to come here on occasion."

"You're retired."

"If you hadn't noticed, there's a war starting, Sirius. I can't afford to be retired."

"Evans isn't an auror." He bit out, determined to find a reason to see her kicked out.

"She doesn't need to be an auror to be useful." Howard snapped.

"Right." Sirius hissed, jerking towards the door. "She wouldn't be useful as one anyway." He stormed out, slamming the door in his wake. Lily closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Give me one good reason not to shout at you, too." She said conversationally, rage and depression pulsing through her equally.

"I didn't know he was here." Howard shrugged. "That's the best I've got, sunshine. Shout away."

"I hate you sometimes." Lily spun on her heel, abandoning him in the kitchen. Shouting at Howard Potter would be pointless. She knew well enough the dangers of spending time in the Potter mansion. It was a wonder she hadn't run into one of the Marauder's sooner. She stalked through the mansion, unable to shake her demons. She was surrounded by James—he grew up in these hallways. He'd been very privileged; though he'd never bothered to deny it. Lily found her way into a little alcove she'd found by accident a week ago. It was high in the mansion, giving her an incredible view of the surrounding landscape.

She nestled into the spot, knowing that she had a little over an hour to pull herself together before tonight's mission.

* * *

 _"_ _So am I obligated to like you now?" Black asked as he flung himself carelessly into the open seat beside her._

 _"_ _No." Lily grunted, scribbling out the end of her essay furiously. Damn James for getting her so distracted yesterday. "Marlene won't be happy if you take her seat."_

 _"_ _Of course she'll be happy." He disagreed. "It'll give her all the chance she needs to deliver whatever speech you girls normally give to your friend's new boyfriend. I've simply spared her the effort of tracking him down."_

 _"_ _I'm not sure I've told her we're dating." Lily admitted sheepishly, setting her quill down._

 _"_ _Oh?"_

 _"_ _I haven't seen any of them much." She blushed. "I've been…busy…with James."_

 _"_ _Busy, is it?" Black smirked. "That what the kids are calling it these days?"_

 _"_ _Sirius Black!" Lily cried, smacking his shoulder. "It's not_ just _that!"_

 _"_ _Only mostly." His smirk widened as she sputtered. For once, he got the upper hand on her._

 _"_ _Running her off already?" James demanded, stopping beside his best friend with his arms crossed._

 _"_ _Nope." Black bounced to his feet. "Just keeping your seat warm for you Prongsie."_

 _"_ _Sure, sure." James sat cautiously, clearly expecting some sort of prank. Lily tensed, wondering if it had all been a ruse. But nothing happened, and after a minute, James shrugged and relaxed. "Running off?" He asked anxiously._

 _"_ _Not yet." She grinned. "But Marlene won't be happy you're in her seat."_

 _"_ _Where is she anyway? Usually she's ridiculously early."_

 _"_ _And you know this…why?"_

 _"_ _Erm…" James coughed, cheeks reddening._

 _"_ _Potter."_

 _"_ _I may or may not have stalked her habits in hopes of trying to sit by you." He said really fast, wincing in the process. Lily narrowed her eyes at him, but quickly decided it wasn't worth fighting over. He hadn't managed to sit by her in over a year._

 _"_ _You make a very poor stalker." She said, patting his shoulder sympathetically._

 _"_ _Hey!"_

 _"_ _What? You want to be a good stalker?" She laughed, aware that they were drawing stares from their classmates. Marlene was across the room, gaping at them with her mouth hanging open. Clearly, Lily hadn't mentioned her new boyfriend yet. James ruffled his hair nervously, saved from having to talk himself out of stalking ability by McGonagall's arrival. Lily smiled to herself, unsurprised to have a note fly over to her when McGonagall's back was turned._

What the hell? And I mean really. WHAT. THE. HELL. !

 _Lily looked around James, sending a broad wink towards Marlene. She gestured furiously towards the paper in Lily's hand, obviously wanting some manner of response. Just because it was fun to make Marlene squirm, Lily deliberately shrugged and went back to paying attention to the lesson._

EVANS YOU ARE KILLING ME!

 _"_ _Popular, are you?" James whispered as Lily choked down laughter. She showed him the two notes, and he snorted as well._

 _"_ _She's incorrigible." Lily shook her head slightly, watching as James glanced across the room as well. Marlene was still staring. His gaze went to the front of the room, and Lily almost went back to her notes, assuming that he would do the same. Instead, he twisted quickly, planting a quick, chaste kiss on her lips. Lily started to reach for him before remembering that they were in the middle of class. "You're incorrigible." She grumbled. James winked broadly._

You just made Marlene faint.

 _James did much worse at containing himself. He barked out a laugh, drawing attention to them as he showed her Sirius' note. Indeed, Marlene was picking herself up off the floor, slinking back into her seat with a red face. Lily choked down laughter, unable to say anything in response to McGonagall's scolding. It was her first detention in two years, but as soon as the professor's back was turned, she leaned over to give her boyfriend a quick kiss. She felt like she was floating on air._

 _Marlene accosted her as they were leaving the class, dragging her none too gently back to Gryffindor tower for a "much needed talking to." Lily was giggling the entire way, flying too high to be brought down by confused friends._

 _"_ _Was that a prank?" Marlene demanded as soon as the door was shut to the dorm. "Did he pay you to do that?"_

 _"_ _No." Lily couldn't stop smiling. "We're dating."_

 _"_ _You…" Her mouth dropped open, and Lily's grin widened._ _"'_ _I hate that stupid boy, Marle.'" She quoted in an exaggerated high-pitched voice. "'I'd rather date the giant squid than that prat'! What the bloody hell happened to you, Lily?"_

 _"_ _He grew up." She defended. "He's been really great to work with this year, and I decided to give him a chance."_

 _"_ _A chance? Lily Evans giving James Potter a chance? No way. Uh-uh, I'm not buying it. Details, bitch."_

 _"_ _It was an accident, really." Lily sighed, sitting on Marlene's bed. "Snape—"_

 _"_ _It's Snape now, too?"_

 _"_ _He kissed me."_

 _"_ _Oh gross." Marlene gagged. "What did you do?"_

 _"_ _Bolted." Lily shrugged, looking away. "I dunno what possessed him, and he wouldn't stop—"_

 _"_ _He_ raped _you?"_

 _"_ _No! Merlin, Marlene, he's not_ that _bad!" She couldn't help but defend Snape. She shook her head fiercely. "I told him to stop, and he didn't, so I stunned him."_

 _"_ _Good girl."_

 _"_ Marlene! _" Lily scowled. "Do you want to know what happened or not?"_

 _"_ _Is this all relevant?" She snorted._

 _"_ _Yes, because I went running from the dungeons and practically right into James' arms." She felt herself blushing, though this time, Marlene didn't try to interrupt. "I didn't tell him what happened for a week—really, I didn't mean to tell him at all, but… I wanted to get back at Snape, so I asked James to help me prank him."_

 _"_ _You didn't."_

 _"_ _I did, but we haven't actually gotten that far yet." Lily frowned, distracted. She'd forgotten all about pranking Snape since she'd started dating James. "I asked Potter, and then sort of started walking away, because he started asking about that day. He stopped, and we went down to Hogsmeade."_

 _"_ _A date?"_

 _"_ _No! It was_ not _a date." Lily snarled, though immediately thought her denial was too fierce for how that night ended. "Or at least it wasn't supposed to be. I ordered firewhiskey—"_

 _"_ _Oh honey, haven't I taught you anything?"_

 _"_ _No you haven't. So we both got pretty drunk, and James had some good ideas for pranks. I don't even remember how we got to it, but I told him that Snape kissed me; and then_ James _kissed me. And…"_

 _"_ _You banged him in the Three Broomsticks?" Marlene guessed dryly._

 _"_ _I'm not that crude." Lily snapped. "We were in his bed, at least." Her face was on fire. Marlene stopped with her mouth open to fire a retort. She gaped for a minute. "We sort of…slept together and then in the morning…" Lily waved a hand loosely. "It took us a few weeks to really sit down and talk about it. Then we decided to date, and yeah."_

 _"_ _You had sex with him." Marlene said flatly. "And based your decision to date on how shaggable he is? Sweetie…darling… Do you remember last year? When I had my fling with Sirius Black and pretended to date him so we could keep shagging?"_

 _"_ _This is different."_

 _"_ _How?" Marlene demanded. "It's not that I'm not happy for you, Lily; but it sounds like you're making a terrible mistake here. I get it. Potter has been on your case for years, and I've heard all the talk too. He's supposedly great in bed, and I know you have needs too."_

 _"_ _Marle…"_

 _"_ _Don't make my mistakes, Lily!" She cried. "It's not enough to base a relationship on sex!"_

 _"_ _It's not just that." Lily argued, though there had been an awful lot of it in the last few weeks._

 _"_ _Have you gone out on a real date?" Marlene asked, frowning. "I haven't seen you holding hands in the hallway. This is the first day you've been at all cutesie with him."_

 _"_ _Have I ever been cutesie with a guy?" She rolled her eyes. "And yes, we've gone back to Hogsmeade for a legitimate date. I'm happy, Marlene. Can't you just be happy for me?"_

 _"_ _You've hated him for a long time, Lily." She shrugged. "It's weird that you're like this now. I'll be happy for you if you're sure this is what you want."_

 _"_ _I'm very sure." Lily said firmly. But her mind was chasing itself in circles now. She excused herself quickly, wondering. Was it more than just sex? He hadn't really done anything extravagant yet. They'd gone to the Three Broomsticks once, but it had been a half-hearted effort at a date. They'd been shirking duties, enjoying a butterbeer rather than patrolling._

 _"_ _What is this?" Black cried dramatically, flinging himself down on the couch beside her. "One of the great Heads descending from on high to mingle—"_

 _"_ _Bugger off, Black." Lily growled. "This isn't the first time I've been in the Gryffindor common room if you hadn't noticed."_

 _"_ _Heads' dorm is nicer." Peter shrugged, flopping down on an armchair. He shook his hair back with a sigh. "Though this is mighty nice."_

 _"_ _Hey, Lily." Remus settled on the other armchair, retrieving a book from his bag._

 _"_ _Hi, Remus. How are you?" The full moon was only two days away. She could see tension in his body._

 _"_ _Same old story." He shrugged. "Well enough, I suppose."_

 _"_ _Oi! Why do you call him 'Remus' and all I get is 'Black'?" Sirius demanded, scowling. "I'll have you know that Sirius is a perfectly wonderful name."_

 _"_ _If you like stars and puns." Lily wrinkled her nose. "I dunno, Black. Some habits are hard to break."_

 _"_ _Come on_ Lily _, if you're going to be dating Prongs, then I demand some respect here."_

 _"_ _Sure thing Padfoot." She yawned, hoping that she wasn't overstepping herself by using his nickname. "But you know, I could really use some help."_

 _"_ _Oh great." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Here come the demands."_

 _"_ _I want to prank Snape." Lily announced, noticing that both Remus and Sirius tensed. "James and I keep getting distracted." She continued, almost regretting bringing it up. Something happened that she didn't know about._

 _"_ _Looking for help, are you?" Sirius asked with forced casualness._

 _"_ _Pranking seems to be your area of expertise." She shrugged. "Consider it my price."_

 _"_ _Price for what?"_

 _"_ _This." From the pocket of her cloak, Lily retrieved the Marauder's Map. All three of them started upright. "I nicked it from James about a week ago."_

 _"_ _So that's where it went." Sirius grumbled, coiled like he meant to rip it from her hands._

 _"_ _He told me you were having trouble with the last bit of the magic." Lily stated, guessing that she was getting him in trouble with his friends. Sirius was looking rather murderous. "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." Lily touched the tip of her wand to the parchment, enjoying the way the ink appeared and curved through the Map. Then, with a half glance to make sure Sirius wasn't going to punch her, Lily unfolded the Map._

 _"_ _Merlin's shaggy pants!" He breathed, reaching without touching. His fingers hovered over the Map, eyes locked on the figures moving around. "You made it work."_

 _"_ _I'm good at Charms." Lily shrugged, feeling inordinately proud of herself._

 _"_ _I think I'm in love." Sirius gasped with a half laugh. He snatched the Map, leaping up to go running out of the common room. Lily watched him go with a smile, vowing to never mention her intention to prank Snape again._

 _"_ _You know, you've already gotten to Snivellus." Peter commented, looking at her with a half-smile._

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _You're dating James, aren't you?" He nodded slowly, waiting for her to catch on. Lily frowned, not understanding. "Snivellus won't be able to stand that. He hates James." Her mouth fell open because Peter was completely right. She couldn't have found a better way to hurt Snape if she tried. But… The victory wasn't as sweet as she wanted it to be. She felt terrible._

 _"_ _That's not why I'm dating James." She said quietly._

 _"_ _That's blindingly obvious." Remus laughed, sinking back into his chair. "You wouldn't look at him like that if this was all a ruse."_

Look at him like what? _Lily frowned, feeling like she was missing something. But the portrait hole swung open to reveal James and Sirius. They were a pair of excited schoolchildren over the success of the Map. James lifted her right off the couch, spun her around, and kissed her soundly right there in the middle of the common room. Lily laughed somewhat breathlessly, ignoring all the stares they were attracting._ _Lily Evans was kissing James Potter and laughing openly with the Marauders. The world was surely ending._


	5. Eye of the Storm

Sirius Black changed everything. Her thoughts were consumed with James Potter once more, and Lily kept going back to that day—to his proposal. Could she have reacted differently? Rather than flatly refusing, could she have put it off? Asked for more time rather than leave him completely? Could they have ever gotten past it?

She'd thought about him so often that it didn't register at first that the image she saw of him, leaning against the bar of the Leaky Cauldron, was real. Lily spent a long minute drinking him in, thinking that this fantasy of hers looked so much better than all the others. Sirius was beside him. His laughter died quite abruptly when he caught sight of her—that was her first clue that it wasn't just a fantasy. Her view of him was abruptly blocked. Howard deliberately stepped in front of her as James was turning to see what had caught Sirius' eye. Lily ducked behind the crowd, skirting around to the table claimed by Fabian and Gideon Prewett. Her hair fit right into their table, and Lily tried desperately to act like a normal person as they introduced her to their brother-in-law, Arthur Weasley.

Arthur was holding onto a remote control like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. He kept trying to make it work, pressing random buttons and looking up like an excited child as though something might spontaneously happen. If James wasn't across the bar, it would have been the most amusing thing she'd seen in a while. But James was over there, and _surely_ she couldn't get through this night without seeing him face to face for the first time since their breakup. Especially if Howard joined them like he was supposed to.

Arthur started talking about his family—he already had several children with more on the way. Gideon was teasing him about their virility. Fabian was joking about all of the children having red hair. Lily couldn't remember any of his kid's names mere moments after he said them, though she laughed politely at the story he was saying about the trouble his eldest was getting into.

"Merlin, here comes trouble." Fabian whispered suddenly, nodding to something behind Lily. Heart in her throat, she turned, half expecting to see James standing there. But it was Moody pushing his way through the crowd. He still wore a patch over his left eye, and scowled even more fiercely than he had in the past.

"Moody, my main man!" Gideon cried theatrically. "Got you back in the action already, do they?"

"Aye." He grunted, taking a swing out of his own flask. He jumped at every little noise. He jumped even when Lily couldn't see anything to be surprised over.

"Moody." Howard appeared suddenly, clapping him on the shoulder. "How's that eye treating you?"

" _Shh!_ " He looked around wildly, though there wasn't a soul around to hear. Everyone in the nearby vicinity was engaged in their own conversations. Lily narrowed her eyes anyway, trying to locate someone paying a little too much attention. She caught James' gaze and flushed immediately. She jerked her eyes from him, focusing on her own table with intensity that made her head hurt.

"Come on, you old bat." Howard growled, though much quieter than before.

"You have your eye?" Fabian asked gracelessly. Moody lifted away the patch, making all but Howard flinch back. In place of a real eye, he had an eyeball implanted in a golden circle. It whirled around independent of his right eye, spinning so fast that it was a wonder he wasn't dizzy.

"Bloody hell." Arthur breathed, his own eyes very wide.

"You're mad, Moody!" Fabian gasped. "Weren't those things…outlawed?"

"Maybe." He grunted, replacing the patch carefully. He exchanged a glance with Howard, and Lily wondered how much influence her partner had over this new development. She didn't ask, but Fabian's comment made her even more certain that the eye was one that had originated from rather dark experiments in Egypt. Several hundred years ago, wizards had looked more closely into ancient hieroglyphics and had created a magical eye—one that could see through spells and curses; impervious to magical manipulation. It was very possible that Moody could now see through material objects like clothes. She felt very self-conscious for a moment, but knew that Moody wouldn't give a damn about her breasts. He turned abruptly, and it was at that moment Lily realized how close Sirius and James had gotten.

"This looks like a fun party." Sirius commented, inviting himself to sit beside her. Lily made room grudgingly. James didn't sit. He stood beside the table, arms crossed.

"Retired." He threw the word out like a challenge, eyes on his father.

"Can't an old man catch up with friends without being harassed?" Howard smiled broadly, looking around the table like they weren't a massive collection of misfits. Fabian and Gideon were both aurors at least, and Moody had worked with him before. Arthur looked very uncomfortable, and Lily shared the feeling.

"Old friend, casual acquaintances, a ministry employee, and…Evans." James shook his head. "I'm not stupid."

"Isn't that a relief." His father said dryly. "I was worried for a bit there, you know."

" _Dad_."

"Did your mother put you up to this?"

"Of course she did!" James shouted, hands clenched. "Who are you to go out chasing Death Eaters—"

"I am an auror, and a damn good one!" Howard shouted right back. "I've more right than you to fight in this war. Go back to your training, boy." Slowly, everyone inched away from the table. Fabian and Gideon went to the bar to order drinks. Arthur slipped off to find the loo. Even Moody retreated to a shadowed corner. Lily was frozen, trapped beside Sirius who wasn't moving an inch.

"I'm not a child."

"Then stop acting like one." Howard turned on his heel, striding off through the bar. Lily opened her mouth to yell after him, and shut it just as quickly. Blood drained from her face as James turned towards them.

"That went well." Sirius commented mildly.

"Bugger off, Padfoot."

"You know, maybe next time you shouldn't start with—"

"I _said_ —"

"They only get like this when they're worried for each other." Sirius mock-whispered as an aside to Lily. "The louder they shout, the more worried they are." James muttered something under his breath—it wasn't flattering to Sirius. His friend only winked in response. Then, Sirius was on his feet and gone with speed that was blinding. She was alone with James. He blinked at her, momentarily derailed.

"It's cloudy." Lily blurted, flushing immediately. Not only were they inside, but it had been sunny for most of the day. Only a handful of clouds worth mentioning.

"Yeah, it is." He agreed, shifting in place rather awkwardly. His gaze darted around the bar. Lily wanted to sneak away, but that would mean getting within inches of him as she stood. So she stayed still, tongue-tied and at a loss for things to say. "Cloudy." James muttered.

"Yeah." She agreed softly.

"Evans!" Howard barked from across the bar. She jumped, taking her chance and bolting. James had turned as well, frowning. Lily didn't give him the chance to question her. She ducked through the crowd, vanishing out the back on Howard's heels.

 _Merlin, what is wrong with me?_ She moaned silently. _It's_ cloudy _! Really, Evans, is that the best you can come up with?_

She didn't have long to berate herself. Someone made the decision to move the meeting to her flat. Once again, Lily blushed over the state of the place, but no one seemed to care.

"Are you sure we can trust this guy?" Moody asked suspiciously, eyes on Arthur Weasley. The man's ears turned pink.

"Of course we can!" Fabian scowled. "And he's low enough at the Ministry that no one is going to suspect a thing."

"You have news?" Howard asked with unusual intensity. His argument with James had shaken him.

"Not much." Arthur admitted. "New Minister has poison dripping in his ear. I've heard for sure that Nott and Lestrange are both active in You-Know-Who's schemes—"

"Hold on." Fabian interrupted, frowning. " _'You-Know-Who?'_ " He looked around at the others, and Lily felt herself paling. "Call him Voldemort, man!" Arthur jumped a foot, horrified.

"Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself."

"I had a muggle teacher who used to say that all the time." Lily commented vaguely, earning irritated looks from most of the men. Arthur was still looking rather queasy. "She had all sorts of notions of conspiracy theories and that technology would someday take over the world. Nott and Lestrange—are they close to the Minister?"

"Historically, no." Arthur answered, focused on her now. "But they've been talking quite a bit with people he's close to; playing off his paranoia."

"Damn." Moody growled.

"The guards have doubled on Azkaban." He continued. "Which I'm sure you've heard through the Prophet, but there's rumor that Minchum plans to increase their number even more. I was hiding in a broom closet when I heard two men talking about some sort of big display. They were out of earshot before I could hear more." Arthur shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry it's not much."

"It's at least something." Howard muttered, pinching in the bridge of his nose.

"Nothing we can use." Moody argued, yanking off his eye patch and sighing. "Piece of crap is so itchy." He rubbed the area around his eye, and Lily jerked her eyes away before she could stare. His eyes moved entirely independent of each other.

"What about that thing?" Fabian asked, prodding his brother.

"You're going to have to be a little more specific than that." Gideon rolled his eyes.

"The fundraiser?" Arthur frowned, sitting up straighter. " _Everyone_ is talking about it. All the socialites will be there."

"What of our suspects?"

"They'll be there." Howard answered, ruffling his hair. "Grace and I already turned down the invitation."

"We need someone younger and more attractive than you, old man." Fabian snorted. "A pair that will turn heads and get people talking. Once they're done gossiping, they'll forget that there's things they shouldn't be talking about."

"Better someone that's experienced." Gideon muttered aloud. His gaze settled on her. "Hey, Evans. How do you look in a dress?"

"Didn't you just say someone experienced?" She retorted, though immediately started thinking through the various dresses she had stored at her parent's place. One of them would easily be appropriate for this sort of thing.

"Sunshine, you and Howard have been running circles around the rest of us. You just need the right man."

"Do we have one of those?" Lily asked dryly.

"Shame that you and Potter broke up—"

"They did?" Arthur cried.

"How the bloody hell did _you_ know we were even dating?" Lily pressed her hands to her face, groaning. "I _swear_ —"

"Purebloods talk." Gideon shrugged loosely. "I gossiped with Howard, who told me all about the pair of you. When Molly asked what was happening in the Potter household, I told her about you guys. I'm assuming Arthur and Molly do something other than shag, especially since she's already pregnant—"

" _Gideon!_ " Arthur's face was beet red.

"All I'm saying is that you and James would have brought about the exact sort of reaction we're looking for."

"It's not an option." Howard said fiercely, eyes flashing. It was enough to wipe the smiles from the Prewitt brother's faces. "What of that Connor boy? The one that was at the last meeting. How's he been doing?"

"He's a bit of a prat."

"A bit?" Fabian rolled his eyes. "He's a pompous prat, but he can hold his own in a fight. And he's pureblood, so it would make sense for him to have an invitation."

"Derek?" Lily asked, only vaguely remembering the blond from last week's meeting. They'd spoken a bit afterwards, but it had been a shallow conversation.

"That's the one."

"Think you can handle him for a night?" Gideon asked with a sly grin. She rolled her eyes pointedly.

"If she can keep up with Potter…" Fabian wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Lily felt her face heat.

"Which one?"

"Both!" The two brothers howled with laughter.

"I will hurt you!" Lily threatened, brandishing her wand as Moody stomped out. It was only a loose threat, and they kept teasing. Amidst the laughter, Howard also slipped out quietly. Lily wished she'd had a moment to talk with him in private. There had been something more to his fight with James than he was letting on. It bothered her. She vowed to find a way to bring it up without hurting their partnership.

* * *

"Lily! Baby, how are you?" She was enveloped in a suffocating hug, only halfway through the door of her parents' house.

"I'm good, mum." Lily answered, giving a rather perfunctory hug in return. "Petunia isn't home, is she?"

"No, she and Vernon are on their honeymoon." Her mother smiled, stroking her hair. "You'll be settling down soon, too, won't you?"

"Ah…" Lily shifted uncomfortably. _Will you marry me?_ It sounded like James was standing behind her, voice washing over her.

"I just worry about you."

"It'll happen eventually." She managed, stepping out of her mother's hands.

"It may happen sooner if you fix up that hair of yours and start wearing make-up." She smiled encouragingly, though Lily scowled.

"Enough with the hair, mum." She turned for the stairs, irritated. _James liked my hair_ , she wanted to say. Except she didn't want to tell her mother about that fiasco. Better to be silent and let her mother think that she'd never managed to find a serious boyfriend during her years at Hogwarts.

"Lily, I'm just trying to help you."

"I know." Lily snapped, digging through her closet. "And I appreciate it, mum, but I like my hair as it is."

"Boys would like it better if it was styled."

"Not all of them." She located the gown she was after, yanking it from the pile somewhat savagely. "And frankly, I don't really want a man who's caught up on physical appearance. I'm not Petunia."

"No, sweetie." Her mother looked crestfallen. "You're all grown up, and I'm sorry I nag. I just want what's best for you."

"I know." Lily reached, wrapping her mother in a tight hug. "I wouldn't know what to do with you if you didn't nag me." She smiled to take the sting from her words. "Just trust that I know what I'm doing."

"Do you?" Lily froze in the process of turning for the door. "Your last letter said that you weren't working. Your father and I—"

"I have a job, mum." She turned back, frowning. "An important one."

"That doesn't pay anything?" Her mother scoffed. "Lily, you can't live on air and noodles forever. Are you eating enough? You look like you've lost weight."

"Of course I'm eating." Lily snapped. "I have a full several-course meal at least once a day at my partner's house."

"P-partner?" She stammered. "Are you…lesbian?"

" _Mother!_ " Her face flamed. "My partner at work. Work partner. Merlin!" Lily shook her head. "Would it matter to you if I said I was?" She demanded, gripping the dress tightly.

"Are you?"

" _Would it matter?_ " It was written all over her mother's face that it would matter very much. Lily struggled to put a rein over her temper. "I'm not, mother. I have a date. With a man." She turned on her heel, stalking back down the stairs, irritated with herself as much as her mother. "I'll send an owl!" She called over her shoulder. "Let you know when to expect grandbabies."

She slammed the front door in her wake.

"Bloody brilliant, Evans." She muttered to herself. Now her mother would be utterly convinced of her deviance until Lily brought a boy home with her.

 _And who's fault is that?_ The voice that sounded like James whispered in her head. Lily really wished her subconscious would stop pretending. He would smirk as he asked. He would find this whole situation amusing. He might even offer to dress up as a girl to completely shock her mother.

She snarled to herself, irritated. She apparated home, tripping over two boxes on her way back to her bedroom. Lily wondered at just throwing it all away. Instead, she pulled out the emerald green gown and eyed it. The dress was just as pretty as she remembered. Rather than wait for Howard to arrive, Lily stepped into it quickly, testing the fit. Once rather tight, the dress was almost a full size too big. She stared at her pale reflection. _You can't go on living on air and noodles._ Her mother's voice replayed in her head. Lily hadn't lied about eating at the Potters' often—Grace adored cooking for people. But she hadn't been honest with herself about how much she ate outside of those dinners.

"Hello, sunshine." Howard said from the doorway, both eyebrows near his hairline. "Aren't you looking gorgeous?"

"It's a little big." Lily shrugged noncommittally.

"If I may?" He whirled his wand, waiting politely for her to nod her agreement before starting on alterations. "Have you spoken with Connor?"

"I have." She said shortly as he turned the back of her dress into a corset. "He seemed remarkably eager."

"You'll have to watch him." Howard muttered, eyes narrowed at the new stitching. "Make sure he stays on track with the mission. You're not there for a date or to have a good time."

"I know."

"I know _you_ know." He met her eyes in the mirror. "I'm just saying you may have to remind him a few times."

"Or more than a few." She grinned as the dress now settled nicely over her body. Howard turned her to face him, frowning as he looked her over.

"How risky can you be?" He wondered, dropping the neckline of the dress as he spoke. Lily shifted slightly, discomforted. But it wasn't unseemly—just a lower sort of sweetheart neckline than she was used to. To balance it, Howard unfolded a rich cloak and fitted it seamlessly to the dress; turning an ordinary muggle gown into something appropriate at a high-fashion wizarding event. He matched the color to her dress and lined it in black. Her skirt remained unaltered, though he spent a minute playing with adding a slit in the side. They both decided it was too much.

"Good enough?" Lily asked, twisting to try to see herself from all angles in the mirror.

"Never call yourself 'good enough'." Howard chided gently. "You're beautiful, sunshine." She wrinkled her nose at him, thinking of her mother's comments. He gave her a gentle squeeze, before leaving her alone to change back into regular clothes. Lily hung the dress carefully, before going out to find Howard staring at her boxes.

"What's the plan for tonight?" She asked, heading into the kitchen. Her fridge was empty. Lily scowled at it.

"Nothing." Howard told her, turning his back to the boxes. "You and I are getting a reprieve. They want to make sure you're in one piece next week."

"It's a week." She argued impatiently. "I'll have plenty of time to get patched up—"

"Evans, enough. We've been going nonstop for weeks. Grace is thrilled we're getting a break, and frankly, so should you. Go out with your friends. Do something fun."

"We're in the middle of a war." Lily rolled her eyes.

"All the more reason to be young and stupid." Howard grinned, unaware of how he made her stomach drop. She'd rebuffed James for almost that exact reason. _Young and stupid_. Getting married in the middle of war was exactly that.

"Sure, sure." She leaned against the counter. "You go be old and wise. I'll work on the young and stupid thing."

"Old and wise is overrated." He winked broadly. "Stay young, sunshine." Lily saw him out, unsure if she was grateful or disappointed that he hadn't invited her to dinner. She went to her cache of money, wondering how long she'd last before she ran out completely. _A week, maybe?_ Lily eyed the meager pile, biting her lip. She would need to find some sort of income otherwise she wouldn't be able to afford rent next month. Was it worth asking Howard about side jobs? She worried that he would simply give her money, and Lily didn't want to owe Potter anything.

So she went relatively hungry, but reached out to Marlene to see if she wanted to hang out. They hadn't spoken much since leaving Hogwarts—Marlene disapproved of her decision to run from James. _Never mind that she was against us dating in the first place_. Lily grumbled to herself, toying with her glass of water while she waited for Marlene.

She didn't have to wait long before a curly-haired Marlene flung her arms around her. Battle-reflexes almost won out, and she met Alice's eyes over Marlene's shoulder. Alice winked as she hurriedly stowed her wand.

"Lily! I've missed you so much!" Marlene cried, squeezing her once more before releasing her. "You remember Alice?" She gestured to the petite blond.

"Only vaguely." Lily lied with a half-smile for Alice. It had been true only two weeks ago before Alice had come to an Order meeting. They'd spent hours afterwards catching up and trading stories about the men in their lives. Alice graduated two years ahead of them and had married Frank Longbottom just a week and a half before they both joined the Order. Lily had called her crazy and told her about refusing James—and then had to explain how they'd come to be dating in the first place.

"Only good things, of course." Alice laughed. "What are you girls drinking? First round's on me."

"Beer." Marlene announced as Lily tried to think of a way out of ordering anything. She couldn't afford a round for them.

"And firewhiskey for you, dear?" Alice winked at her and flounced off to the bar as Lily sputtered.

"And how have you been?" Marlene demanded, flopping down beside her. "You really walked off the map, Evans."

"I've been busy." She shrugged loosely. "But good."

"You look terrible."

"Gee thanks, Marle."

"Lily, you went through a terrible breakup. You're allowed to look like crap, just don't lie about it." Marlene rolled her eyes pointedly.

"It's been almost four months." Lily sighed.

"If you're still keeping track…" She arched an eyebrow, though Lily just shook her head slightly. "Have you seen him recently?"

"Once." She nodded as Alice made her way back over, balancing three beers. "It was weird."

"What was weird?"

"Lily seeing James." Marlene said shamelessly. "We need to find her a new boy."

"Oh leave her be, Marle." Alice disagreed. "It's not like she really wanted to break up with him."

"And you two only vaguely remember each other?" She snorted. "Alright, girls, if you're in some secret club you don't want to tell me about…" Marlene trailed off, taking a pointed sip of her beer. Neither of them answered.

"How's Frank?" Lily asked for lack of anything else to say.

"Good." Alice light up, eyes shining as she thought of her husband. "Glad that the wedding's all done. Let me tell you, planning is a _bitch_." Lily forced herself to laugh as well, aware that Marlene was watching her closely. "But it's nice now to be able to focus on being an auror and stuff."

"There is something going on that you're not telling me." Marlene complained.

"You'll figure it out soon enough." Lily said, giving her an encouraging pat on the back.

"Oh?" Alice wondered.

"According to Howard who supposedly heard it from Dumbledore."

"Well I'll trust that!"

"Who's Howard?" Marlene asked, a grin appearing on her face.

"Not eligible." Lily said quickly. "He's married. I've just been working with him recently, so wipe that smirk off your face."

"Damn."

"I heard you have a hot date, though." Alice sat forward with a wicked grin. "Derek Conner, right?"

"That's not…" Lily groaned under her breath, knowing that she wouldn't be able to talk herself out of it.

"Ravenclaw, right? A year or two ahead of us?"

"Four." Alice said. "He graduated with Frank."

"Not too shabby there, Lils." Marlene winked broadly.

"Pain." Lily hissed at Alice. "Lots of pain."

"It _is_ a date." Alice smirked. "Relax, though. Frank and I will be there, too. I'll bail you out if things go south."

"Going where?" Marlene demanded. "I feel so out of the loop right now."

"To the Ministry fundraiser in a few days." She answered, still smirking. "The one to raise money for the war."

"You mean the one that all the Death Eaters are going to be at?" Marlene looked horrified. "You're both going? My family said it would basically be suicide to show up." Lily and Alice traded glances. This was news.

"It's a fundraiser." Lily shrugged. "What could go wrong? Besides, it's an excuse to wear a pretty dress and prance around in heels."

"And since when do you like to dress up?" Her friend snorted. "Alice, this is crazy!"

"You'll understand more in a few days." Lily pressed before Alice could say anything. "Swear to you."

"I will lock you up, Evans. For your own damn good. Don't think I won't!"

"I believe you." She smiled reassuringly. "I'll talk with C—Derek."

"You better not bloody go." Marlene grouched, draining her beer. "Be back ladies. I need something stronger for this." She waited for Marlene to get out of earshot before turning to Alice with a scowl.

"Well played."

"Bugger off, Evans." Alice rolled her eyes. "If she's going to be brought into the Order anyway—"

"Don't talk about it here!"

"You're as bad as Moody, I swear." She sighed, though thankfully let it go. "We'll just have to be on our toes Friday."

"As if we weren't going to be anyway." Lily shook her head. "I didn't know you and Frank were going."

"I didn't know it was a mission until I overheard Potter and Moody talking about it. That's when I mentioned that Frank and I were going. It's actually an assignment from the department." Alice paused, gaze darting across the bar. "And you should know, Lily… James has been assigned it, too. He'll be there."

"Oh."

"With a date." Alice added, wincing. "I'm sorry, Lils."

"He's allowed to move on." She said forcefully, without wanting to admit that it felt like her heart was getting wrenched from her chest and stomped on. "I have a date, too, you know."

"Derek Connor?" Alice snorted. "He's a jerk, Lily. If you don't know that already, it won't take long for you to figure it out."

"I'm aware." Her voice was dry enough to bring a giggle out of Alice. Lily had to smile as well, and then they were laughing. It was easier afterwards to forget about James Potter. Especially after Marlene returned and Alice helped turn the conversation onto what she'd been up to. As much as she tried, Lily couldn't forget about the war raging around them. Who would die tonight? Someone would, that was certain. She felt guilty about laughing and drinking with her friends.

 _I should be out somewhere; doing something to help us win this thing._ It ate at her until she was home, a little drunk and completely alone. Only then did Lily allow herself to cry. She held onto her pillow like a lifeline, wishing it was James but knowing that it never would be.


	6. Bittersweet

Lily barely recognized the woman staring back at her in the mirror. For a woman that didn't have a daughter, Grace was absolutely amazing at making up a girl. Her hair was piled and tumbled to look exquisite without being contrived. She had just enough make-up on for elegance and sophistication, but not enough to make it seem as though she'd put forth much effort. The dress held onto her in all the right places—helped again by Grace's efforts. Lily twirled once, enjoying the way the skirt and cloak flared around her.

If only she was actually looking forward to this evening.

Lily left her bedroom, even more aware of her boxes after Grace made a fuss over them. Howard was arguing with his wife, gesturing loosely to her apartment. They cut off abruptly when she walked in the room, and Howard stared. Lily twisted away, because she wished it were James standing there speechless. She fetched a glass of water in order to have something to do with her hands.

"You look beautiful." Howard said with atypical softness.

"Thanks." Lily tried to force a smile, brushing invisible dust from her bodice.

"You know the drill?"

"Pretty sure." They'd gone over it three times in the last hour. Lily gave up on procrastinating. "Relax, Howard."

"Easy for you to say." He grumbled, both of them following her from the flat.

"Be back before you know it." She stopped outside the apparition barrier, flashing a confident smile. Then she took herself to the Ministry, stumbling only slightly on her heels. Connor would meet her in the entrance, and they'd be announced into the gathering. Most high-profile couples chose to be announced. Alice admitted she'd demanded it. She and Frank were scheduled to already be here. They'd report to their supervisor first and then would meet with the Order tomorrow. Lily had several members on standby waiting for her report after this event. She wandered through the entrance hall, taking in the splendor of the place.

"Merlin, Evans." She started and turned to find James gaping at her.

"What?" For a moment, she thought something had malfunctioned with her dress. Then she caught the gleam in his eye and felt herself flushing.

"You're wearing _that_ , and all you can say is 'what'?" He scoffed, approaching her.

"Not looking so bad yourself." She drank him in like a person starved. Merlin, if only he were her date tonight! He didn't smirk at her compliment like she expected.

"My father escorting you?" She caught the accusation in his question, though she didn't flinch.

"Why would he?" She cocked her head to the side. "I have a date, Potter."

"Derek Connor?" Finally, she was able to jerk her eyes from him to scan the modest crowd. "My parents do talk, you know."

"James—"

"James now, is it?" He mocked, the same old arrogance in his voice. She slapped him, or at least tried to. He ducked, catching her wrist in the process. "Violent, Evans."

"Only when it's you." She hissed. Now he was smirking, and his hand was inexplicably resting in the center of her back.

"Now, now Lily no need to get testy." He had her drawn flush to him; his mouth was by her ear. "Look just a little to your right and you'll see the girl they sent with me. Can't miss her—she looks like she's twelve." Indeed, there was a woman hovering close to the apparation point, incredibly under-dressed with her hair going in every direction. She did, in fact, look quite young to be at this gala.

"Your point?" Connor was over there, too, blond hair slicked flat and practically oozing gel. Her upper lip twitched.

"Your date's not looking much better, and I _did_ overhear dad and Moody talking about this plan of yours. You're supposed to be making a statement, right? Get people talking so they'll be loose about things they shouldn't be mentioning."

"Where exactly are you going with this?" Standing this close to him, wrapped in his arms was doing odd things to her brain.

"Do you want to make a statement?"

"By walking in there as your date?" She whispered against his throat. "Isn't that pushing it just a little bit?"

"It's cloudy still, Evans." She snorted, resting her forehead against his shoulder fighting off hysterical laughter. _I love you_ ; she wanted to say, because it was so very like him to drag a joke out of this situation.

"How bold, Potter?" She pulled back as far as he'd let her, which wasn't very far.

"That depends on if you'll kill me or not." His grin was wicked, though he didn't give her a chance to answer. He drug her over to the man announcing people and whispered something to him. Lily rolled her eyes at his back, glancing back to find Connor. He was speaking with James' date—both were scowling.

"They don't enjoy being stood up." Lily commented lowly once James rejoined her.

"Then they should've dressed the part." He rolled his eyes, linking her arm through his. Lily swallowed back sudden nerves, following him. The entrance to the actual hall was blinding. She blinked against the light, pausing as James did.

"James and Lily Potter." The announcer called. Her body went very cold—numb—as James led her forward. The entire room, it seemed, was staring at them. For an instant, Lily was afraid of falling over her heels.

"Not so bad, was it?" James asked, leaning deliberately close so his lips brushed her ear.

" _Bold_ , Potter." She growled, hand tight on his arm. _Lily Potter._ It resonated in her head, bouncing around sudden blankness. Why did it feel so right?

"It'll get people talking." He spun her out on the dance floor. Her skirt flared perfectly as he took a step forward and put a hand on her waist. Lily rested on hand on his shoulder, holding onto his hand with the other. Too tight? Too loose? She fretted until the music wavered out into the air. James drew her after him, leading her through the dance like he'd done it all his life. She forgot about everything—even the mission—for that one song. She could have fooled herself into thinking that the proposal never happened—or that she'd had a different answer. They strayed to an uncertain stop as the music ended, inches apart. If they were truly married, he'd have kissed her in this moment. But the last time they'd really talked, she'd left him broken.

He leaned down, pressing his lips briefly to the corner of her mouth. She shivered. He swirled her around again, and this time, Lily paid attention to the faces around her. Howard had shown her a long list of photos of people presumed to be Death Eaters. They were practically surrounded by the people from those photos. James, it seemed, was of a similar mindset now. Or maybe he hadn't gotten lost in that first song like she had. He slowed as they drew near to a trio. Lestrange, his wife, and Lucius Malfoy. Lily put both of her arms around James' neck, pressing her lips to his throat; putting off an air that they were aware of nothing but each other.

"—according to plan." Malfoy was whispering.

"And the Minister?" Lestrange asked, voice low. James nibbled on her ear.

"Taken care of." They separated. Lestrange wrapped himself around his wife as Malfoy went strolling off to locate his own wife.

"Bloody hell, I hate mysteries." James grumbled in her ear.

"What do you think they've done to him?" Lily wondered, twisting to kiss his jaw.

"Nothing good." They were far enough away from the Lestranges to separate without suspicion. Lily took a full step back, twining her fingers through his to drag him from the dance floor. If they stayed so on top of each other, she would lose her mind.

James pressed a kiss to her temple before venturing off to the bar, leaving her to investigate the tables of food. She wasn't really looking to eat. Moody had warned her at least a dozen times to trust nothing that was served here. Hopefully James had gotten a similar message. She kept her ears open as she wandered, though the conversations she passed were innocent and unhelpful.

"Evans, isn't it?" A voice said from behind her, oozing innocence. "Lily Evans." She turned slowly, forcing a smile on her face.

"It's Potter, now." She corrected easily. Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy traded disbelieving glances.

"There was no news of such an event."

"James and I wanted to keep it really low key." Lily told her, thinking of the things Alice had said of her own wedding. "Just close friends and family."

"I'd keep it quiet if I were you." Bellatrix murmured, stepping alarmingly close. The hair on the back of Lily's neck rose, and her hand inched towards her wand. "Dear little Severus won't be pleased."

"Excuse me?" Lily fell back a step, frowning in confusion.

"He won't protect you forever, you know."

"Ladies." James appeared at her side, pressing a cool glass of champagne in her hand. She looked up at him. The level of her relief was sickening. He gave her a soft kiss—on the lips. Heat shot through the base of her spine. She turned quickly, seeking out the two women. But they were gone, vanishing into the crowd.

"Bloody hell." She grumbled as James wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him, wishing she could forget about Moody's warnings. She wanted the alcohol in her hand.

"What was that about?" He whispered in her ear.

"I'm not sure." Lily admitted, realizing belatedly how inappropriate it was of her to be resting her cheek on his shoulder. "A test, maybe? Making sure I remember I'm your wife." The words left her mouth without conscious prompting. Lily flushed immediately as James' eyes darkened.

"Only for tonight." His voice was tight, almost a hiss.

"Right." She stepped away from him, blood running to ice again. What was she doing to him?

"Lily!" Alice jumped her from behind, and then Frank was there too; separating her and James. She stumbled, narrowly missing falling on her face. Alice jerked her around—much stronger than her appearance made one believe. "What do you think you're doing?" She hissed.

"Gathering information." Lily tried to plaster a smile on her face to make this look natural. "Which is what you should be doing!"

" _Potter?_ " She snarled. "Lily Potter? I mean, _really_ —" There it was again. Her heart skipped a beat, and she stepped around Alice. In perfect unison with James. He caught her hand, leading her back out to the dance floor. James hauled her flush, arms tight like he had something to prove after whatever Frank had said.

"Easy, Potter." Lily murmured.

" _I'm not_ …" James bit off whatever he meant to say, anger in every inch of him. This was quickly turning into a train wreck. He lasted about a minute on the floor with her. Then, he drug her towards a nearby hallway. His grip on her hand was viselike, and Lily did her best to make it look like she was in on his plan—whatever that plan might be.

He found a pillar, tugging her behind it. They were very alone. Her heart was intimate with her throat. She was prepared for him to shout and rage; maybe even slap her. Instead, he pushed her flat to the wall and kissed her, mouth moving over hers like they hadn't gone several months not speaking. She growled into his kiss, wrapping her arms around him. This was a very terrible idea. But she was weak in his arms, lost to his insistence. The words _Lily Potter_ still rattled around in her head, sounding better every second he kissed her.

"Nott." She flinched, hitting her head on the pillar and choking back a gasp. James made a similar, strangled sound, pressing them deeper into the shadows.

"Malfoy." Lily wanted to curse. Loudly. Instead, all she could do was cling to James and hope they weren't found.

"Is it set?"

"Exactly as the Dark Lord wanted." Nott said. "The aurors are tied up with this gala. It'll be over tonight." Lily could see the two men over James' shoulder. Her heart hammered wildly in her chest. "What of Dumbledore?"

"It's as we feared." Malfoy whispered. "He's stayed out of the Ministry and gathered his own force."

"So it's true?" Nott frowned. "The Order of the Phoenix is real." She flinched against James, horrified. Their greatest weapon to date had been secrecy. "Any word on who's in it? I heard the Prewitt brothers went sniveling to Dumbledore."

"They are." Malfoy nodded. "Old Moody's at the head of it."

"No doubt."

"Avery went snooping, and told the Dark Lord that they've got Potter out of retirement."

"That's a cold day." Nott growled, kicking a stone. "Between him and Moody…"

"Fenwick's certain." Malfoy said, exchanging a glance filled with dark purpose.

"So that's why…"

"Exactly." Malfoy's grin was full of malicious intent. "Hit them where it hurts."

"Lucius!" A feminine voice called. Narcissa strode up to the men, a fierce scowl on her face. "You can gossip all you want next week at the meeting. Make an appearance where someone will see you!"

The men separated. Lucius followed his wife back to the party, and Nott vanished down the corridor. For a long minute, Lily couldn't breathe. _They know who we are. They're going to be hunting us._ It stole her breath to know that they knew of Howard's involvement in the Order. She hardly noticed James, until his lips touched hers, lightly and briefly.

"We will talk." He growled, wrapping his arm around her waist. Before she could scold him for ignoring the certain threat, he apparated them both away.

"Prongs!" Two figures approached them at a fast run.

"Where is Shacklebolt?" James barked, striding from her. _Fenwick is in trouble._ Lily blinked after him, thinking quickly. _There isn't time to waste. Whatever they've planned is happening tonight._ She'd have time to figure out James later.

"Expecto patronum." She whispered, imbedding silent words into her patronus to warn the others that Fenwick was in danger. Then she sent it off, praying that they could get there in time. This was Order business.

"Evans!" The shout kept her from apparating at that moment. And it was good of her to pause, because Remus Lupin rammed into her a moment later. She tripped over the heels, squawking in protest as he made to haul her across the apparation barrier.

"Get off of me!" She shouted, struggling wildly.

"Merlin, woman!" He swore. Lily got free of him, half-falling, but she'd apparated from less comfortable positions recently. She was gone with a pop, hearing James' shout follow her.

Fast as she was, Lily was still one of the last to arrive. She froze for a beat, eyes wide as she took in the fight unfolding before her. Fenwick's house was blown to bits. Figures in dark cloaks and masks were running, laughing like mad. She recognized a handful of Order members pursuing them. Lily sprang forward, hiking her skirts up with one hand and firing curses with the other.

 _Too late._ Much, much too late. Adrenaline flooded her veins, but there was no fight left to be had. Fabian Prewitt was down, bleeding heavily; but from what Lily could see, no one else was overly hurt. She found Howard leaning over Fabian, whispering spells to stem the bleeding. Hanging over the ruined house was a dark, greenish skull with a snake twisted around it. Lily stared up at it, stomach flipping and rolling.

"The Dark Mark." Gideon said quietly, standing beside her. "That's what they're calling it."

"They know who we are." Lily whispered numbly. "We heard them talking."

"What 'we'?" Moody came stomping up, face dark with rage. "Can you not keep to a plan, Evans? Connor came back hours ago saying that you completely mucked up!"

"I made a statement." She said coldly, dragging her gaze down to him. This time, his odd eye didn't even phase her. "Which is exactly what you wanted. I have information. Wasn't that the purpose?"

"Dragging my son into the middle of this was not part of the plan." Howard snarled, pushing to his feet with a grunt. "Or did you forget?"

"He would have been involved with or without my help." The Mark in the sky was distracting. If felt like a thousand pounds was weighing down on her shoulders. "He was assigned it as an auror, Potter. You can't keep him wrapped up like a china doll." For a minute, they glared at each other.

"Let's get out of here." Gideon suggested cautiously. "I'd like Grace to look him over." He helped his brother to his feet, though Fabian swayed dangerously. Lily followed them to the Potter mansion, though she wanted nothing more than to go home and lay in the dark.

Grace was already outside waiting for them. She ran forward immediately, flinging her arms around her husband. Lily was too exhausted to flinch. She started past them, wondering if she could sweet talk Missy into making her a nice cup of coffee. There would be time while Fabian got patched up for her to have a moment alone.

The kitchen was not empty. She froze in the doorway, staring at James. He looked furious, twirling his wand through his fingers exactly as his father always did. Lily gulped.

"Order of the Phoenix, is it?" He sneered, hazel eyes flashing. "How could you?"

"How could I what?" She sighed. "James, I have as much right to fight as you do. Just because I'm not going through auror training—"

"How could you let him get involved?" James exploded, sparks flying from the tip of his wand.

"Your father?" Lily jerked around with a frown. "Bloody hell! I'm not his babysitter, you know."

"Just his partner!" He shouted with a wild gesture. "What are you thinking?"

"That he's damn good to have in a fight!"

"He's _retired!_ Evans, he's too old to go out chasing Death Eaters."

"Then tell _him!_ " She cried. "I'm not in a position to forbid him from doing anything, Potter. _He_ approached _me_ for this partnership! And frankly—" She dove beneath the curse he aimed at her. It shattered a stack of plates. "What the hell?" Lily blocked the next, tangling in her dress. James grabbed her, shoving her into the wall.

"Stay away from my family!" He hissed, wand inches from her face. She wanted to scream—or cry. James released her, as the door flew open.

"What is going on in here?" Howard rumbled, taking in the shattered plates and their respective positions. Rather than answer, James shoved past him, storming across the lawn to reach the apparation barrier. "Evans?"

"He's the one with a problem." She snarled, pushing away from the wall. "Ask him."

"I'm asking _you_."

"What do you want me to say?" Lily shouted, throwing up her hands. "You don't want him involved, and he doesn't want you involved! And somehow I'm in the middle of this mess! _Talk to your son_." She stormed from the kitchen, guessing that they would meet in the casual sitting room. So she went there, parking on a couch and pressed her hands to her face.

What possessed her to accept James' scheme tonight? Had she really gotten so caught up in actually talking to him that she'd blown the whole mission? She'd certainly made a royal mess of things. What possessed him to kiss her like that? Oh, she knew the answer to that. He was still in love with her. And she let everything happen like she could love him the way he wanted her to. _I can't marry him. I won't be able to. Not until this war is over. I'm not like Alice. I don't want to get married._ Lily shivered, vowing to avoid Potter like the plague. No more meeting at the mansion. She couldn't put herself through this. She couldn't keep stringing James along.

 _Do your duty._ She sat up straight as the others filed in. Lily recounted the things she'd learned, seeing fear blossom in their eyes. But their determination was no less. It was time to make a stand. They would not allow Benjy Fenwick's death to be in vain.

They left with plans to meet again in two days. They would pull in as many as they could. They would hunt for allies. They would not give into fear.

Lily apparated home, exhaustion making her mind fuzzy. She took a single step forward when a dark shape slammed into her. She screamed as a hand clamped down over her mouth. She fired a wild curse, hitting nothing; but in that flash of light, she saw their masks. They disarmed her in the next moment, binding her legs and arms. Lily tried her best to scream for help, panic overwhelming everything.

Something snarled—a cold, dark sound that stole what remained of her breath. A dark shape hurtled into the group. Silver teeth flashed, fastening on the face of the man holding her. Lily fell, unable to catch herself for the ropes around her body. She yelped as she hit the ground, but the animal made quick work of the Death Eaters. Lily barely had a moment to take in the shaggy, black dog before Sirius Black took its place. _Padfoot, of course._ He scooped her from the ground, apparating them away.

With stealth she should have expected, Sirius snuck her into a flat without being noticed—though she could hear James shouting somewhere in a different room. He locked the door behind them, banishing the ropes with a flick of his wrist. Every inch of her trembled, and it took every bit of her will to keep from bursting into tears.

"I was going to yell at you." Sirius admitted in a soft voice, brushing strands of hair from her face. "But I'll save it for another time, yeah?" A soft whimper escaped her, and Lily's eyes overflowed against her will.

"Padfoot?"

"You alone, Moony?" He demanded through the door.

"Yes…?" Sirius wrenched the door open, jerking Remus through before shutting it just as fast. "What—Lily? Padfoot, why…?"

"She was attacked." He brushed off Remus' confusion with a casual flap of his hand. "Her place was surrounded by Death Eaters. Ambushed on her way home."

"Bloody hell."

"I'll deal with Prongs. You can get her back to your place, right?"

"The moon—"

"Days away." Sirius said flippantly. "Plenty of time to get her set up elsewhere. Just for tonight." Lily wanted desperately to protest. Surely they would hate her, too; if only for James' sake. But she could only perch on the edge of Sirius' bed and try to keep her tears silent.

"Bloody hell." Remus repeated under his breath.

"I'll occupy Prongs." Sirius was gone from the room before anyone could voice a protest.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly, half his attention outside the room.

"No." Lily choked on her tears, pressing a hand to her mouth.

"Right." He blushed slightly. "Of course you're not. Merlin, I'm an idiot." He scooped her up, carrying her like she weighed nothing.

The flat that James and Sirius shared was bright and spacious. The house that Remus took her to was better termed as a shack. But it was out in the middle of nowhere, and there was no collection of Death Eaters waiting for them. Remus muttered some manner of apology that Lily hardly heard. She was _safe_. She asked Remus to thank Sirius for her, or at least that's what she tried to say. Everything spun around her, and Lily was unconscious before he even got her onto his couch.


	7. Defiance

When she woke up in an unfamiliar place, Lily nearly panicked. But her dress rustled as she sat up, and the events of yesterday came rushing back. She blushed then paled, remembering the ambush. Once she started thinking about James, Lily couldn't bring herself to think of much else. The events at the fundraiser were disjointed and confused. He was clearly mad at her, and she thought he ought to be. But then there was that kiss and the fire in his eyes that said he still loved her.

"Feeling better?" Sirius asked, inviting himself to sit on the couch beside her.

"Yes and no." Lily didn't look away from her hands. "Thank you for saving me."

"Pure accident." She saw his shrug from the corner of her eye. "My intention had been to threaten you."

"I deserve it."

"I never figured you for a bitch, Evans." Sirius said conversationally. "It was bad enough for you to break his heart, but whatever you're doing now? Damn, girl."

"What am I doing?" Lily moaned, running her hands through her hair.

"I was going to ask you that."

"I don't know!" She vaulted to her feet, chest tight. "Damn it, why did I say yes in the first place?"

"Good sex?" Sirius offered dryly.

" _Black!_ "

"Am I wrong?"

"I don't know!" Lily whined, kicking the coffee table. She tried to remember what she'd been thinking, but it was all fuzzy; lost to all the wonderful things that came after. She paced for a minute, agitated and unable to be still. "I can't see him again." She muttered. "I can't think straight around him."

"You're still in love." Sirius said helpfully, watching her.

"Bugger off."

"Why couldn't you have said 'yes'?"

"Because I don't want to marry him!" Lily shouted, kicking the table again. This time, it hurt and she swore vividly.

"But you're in love with him."

" _No_." But she didn't believe it. From the look on his face, Sirius didn't believe her either. "Merlin, I can't imagine marrying him." _Lily Potter_. Her heart skipped another beat. "I just…" Pacing wasn't helping anything. She threw herself on the couch, propping her feet on the table.

"You're a right bitch." His expression never changed. She couldn't bring herself to disagree.

"She's not a bitch." Remus said from the doorway, dropping a rucksack next to the door. Three owls swooped in past him. Lily recognized the one that held her letter, and frowned at the others. Moody's owl ruffled its feathers and flew out immediately. She scanned the parchment, finding nothing more than a rough sketch of a map. The rest of the information would have gone to Howard.

"Order of the Phoenix?" Sirius read from his letter, frowning.

"Isn't that what James was talking about yesterday?"

"Think he got one too? That is what yours is about right?"

"Yes—"

"Not if Howard has a say." Lily stood abruptly. "Duty calls, boys."

"Is that what yours is?" Sirius demanded, jumping to his feet to try to look at her letter. She folded it quickly.

"No." A wisp of white shot through the wall, materializing into a lion-shaped patronus.

 _"_ _As soon as you're ready, sunshine."_ Howard's voice said, grim determination laced through the words.

"Sunshine?" Sirius snorted.

"Was that Mr. Potter?"

"Bye!" Lily bolted past them both, half expecting one of them to catch her. Sirius gave chase, but Lily apparated before he could reach her.

It wasn't until she was walking through the door of the Potter mansion that she thought about her state of dress. Lily almost turned and walked right back out, but Grace was standing in the kitchen.

"Lily!" She gasped, teacup slipping through her fingers to shatter on the ground. She paid it no mind, rushing around the island. "What happened?"

"Well…"

"Grace?" Howard appeared in short order, trailing James. Lily flushed. "Evans, what happened?"

"Ambush." She muttered, eyes on James until Howard blocked her view. He gripped her shoulders.

"Are you alright? Why didn't you say something?"

"I'm fine." Lily waved him off. "I had help, actually. And here I am now telling you about it."

"Sirius?" James guessed from across the room, scowling. "I wondered why he was back so fast. And they took you to Remus' I presume?"

"Yeah." She wanted to wince, though he spun on his heel and stalked from the kitchen. She waited for a beat, half expecting another fight. Grace started prodding her with her wand, searching for injuries. "I'm fine, Grace. Honest."

"You were lucky." Howard stated, frowning.

"Very lucky." She nodded glumly. "They would've had me if Sirius hadn't been there."

"You can stay here for the time being." He muttered, more to himself than anything as he turned.

"No! Really—"

"It's not a debate, Evans."

" _Howard!_ " She shouted, wanting nothing to do with moving into James' childhood home. Grace caught her arm before Lily could go running after him.

"Why don't you get a shower, at least?" She offered softly. "I'll find you some clothes. When you're clean and normal looking you can lose your fight." Lily scowled, though Grace just smiled sweetly. A shower sounded wonderful, though, and Lily was more than ready to be out of the blasted dress. She took her time with it, hoping that James would be gone by the time she was done.

He was, and Howard didn't give her a moment to protest her housing. He'd analyzed the instructions from Moody, and just needed to confirm everything with the map she'd been given before they could leave. The mission was a cross between rescue and reconnaissance. There was faint hope that they would be finding captives, though. More likely, they would find bodies. Lily braided her hair with grim determination, pushing everything else to the side. There was no room for drama with a mission to be had.

She and Howard snuck quietly through the woods, alert for any unexpected movement. Lily kept her ears pricked for the sounds of wildlife. Her father always said the forest was safe as long as the critters were out roaming. There was plenty of animal noise—birds were singing and squirrels were underfoot. They paused, evaluating their progress against the rough map. Movement caught her eye, and Lily felt her mouth dropping open in horror. A stag moved deliberately through the trees, wary but with purpose.

"What?" Howard hissed, turning to see the animal. "Lily?" So he didn't know what James had done.

"Nothing." She spat, scowling fiercely when it turned to look at them. She was no great judge of animal behavior, but it seemed to start with surprise. _Bleeder._ Lily moved on in Howard's wake, wondering if all four Marauders were around. She looked down to find a rat three feet behind her, following. _Bloody hell._ Somewhere up ahead, a dog barked.

Tree bark scraped behind her, quite loud in the forest. Lily jumped and jerked around to look. James was rubbing his antlers on a tree. It was very tempting to send a leg-lock curse at him. What would that look like on a deer? She shook her head, turning back to Howard. He was also frowning at the animal.

"Come on." She whispered, gesturing him forward.

In short order, they were very near to their destination. Lily caught sight of Padfoot crouched in the underbrush. She stuck her tongue out at him. His tail wagged ever so slightly. As planned, she stayed on the slight knoll, eyes on their surroundings as Howard crept forward towards the cave. Padfoot slunk after him, belly close to the ground. She felt breath on the back of her neck. Prongs, standing watchful guard with her.

"You did this on purpose." She hissed at him. The stag shook its head, pawing at the ground. It didn't take long for Howard and Padfoot to return. Howard was ashen, eyes wide. He shook his head slightly, gesturing her back. Lily hesitated for only a moment before retreating back down a different path. Prongs disappeared. All three vanished, and Lily spared a moment to roll her eyes at them.

"Pieces." Howard whispered when they paused. He leaned against a tree, trembling. "There were pieces."

"Merlin." Lily breathed, grateful that she hadn't been the one to go down in that cave. She put a hand on Howard's shoulder in silent support. He grimaced, taking deep, steadying breaths. A few meters away, a stag watched them. The back of her neck prickled, and she looked around warily. "Howard." She hissed, eyes sharp on the trees.

"They're here." He breathed, tense as well. Lily heard distant laughter, staying very still as she strained her eyes. "Come on."

"Oi!" She lunged, grabbing the back of his shirt before he could go charging towards the laughter. "Recovery only, remember?"

"Evans—"

"Pick your fights, Potter." Lily didn't budge. "This one isn't ours. Stick to the plan." He glared at her for a moment before huffing out a sigh. With one regretful look towards trouble, Howard turned down the path they were meant to take. Lily kept a wary eye on her partner as she scanned the forest.

A petrified scream cut through the trees. The stag shied, crashing quite loudly into a bush. Lily swore as Howard ducked past her, sprinting towards the scream. She raced after him, every sense on high alert.

They ran headfirst into an ambush.

Oh, the scream was real enough—there was a bloody girl in the center of the circle of Death Eaters—but they were posed for a challenge. Someone knew they would be here. Curses filled the air, and Lily was suddenly very glad that James and Sirius would arrive in short order. James was too rash to sit this out, and maybe he even had a legitimate reason to be in these woods. She tried to stay near Howard—tried to cover his back. But the Death Eaters seemed determined to separate them. She was too far, but then Sirius was there, planting himself beside Howard. Just as James was now beside her.

She fought well beside Howard. She was better with his son. They moved like a well-oiled machine, striking and blocking in turn. Lily's world narrowed to the fight. There was no room for anything else.

As one, the Death Eaters drew back, masks turning to face the only one moving. Lily gasped for breath, muscles shaking from exertion. Beside her, James swore softly. Where were Howard and Sirius? She wasn't sure, but she caught sight of the man approaching and felt her heart plummet. Up until now, she'd heard only rumors of the man called Voldemort; hardly anyone knew what he looked like. Once, he might have been called handsome. Now, cruelty turned his features harsh. He was pale. Icy. He laughed.

Lily lashed out, firing the worst curse she was willing to use. He blocked it easily, but her actions broke James' paralysis. He shoved her to the side, missing a bolt of bright green light by centimeters.

"Can we apparate?" He shouted in her ear as she fired off a volley of curses.

"Where are the others?" She cried, diving to avoid a violet curse.

" _Imperio!_ " It struck her full in the face. Her limbs locked. _Kill him._ It whispered in her mind. _Kill the boy._ Her body turned. Her wand raised. James had a shallow cut on the side of his face. His wand was near her toes; he was immobilized by a trio of Death Eaters. Voldemort was behind her. It was his curse controlling her. _Kill him!_

"Lily, please…" James whispered. She inhaled, preparing to move—to strike him down. " _Remember who you are!_ "

" _Avada Kedavra!_ " The words left her mouth, but her body whirled around so when the curse left her wand it was aimed for Voldemort. _Remember who you are._ She was Lily Evans, a muggle born witch; a prominent member of the Order of the Phoenix. She was in love with James Potter. Lily ducked, grabbing James' wand. " _Sectumsempra!_ " One of the three holding him fell with a shriek, bleeding profusely. She stunned another as she ran for him. James punched the last in the face. She threw herself at him, apparating as soon as she ran into him.

They landed in the middle of a different forest, and Lily shoved away from him immediately. She stumbled two steps before falling to her knees, retching. Tears streamed down her face as her stomach kept heaving. James held her hair back, supporting her as her body shook. A pop of apparation came from behind them. James released her, whirling with both of their wands in his hand.

"Lily!" Howard shouted, ducking past his son.

" _Don't touch me!_ " She shrieked, scrambling back. "H-h-he…" She choked on the words; choked on the fear of how close she'd come to killing James. She heaved, but there was nothing left in her stomach.

"He hit her with the Imperius Curse." James said quickly.

"I'm pretty sure she beat that." Sirius rolled his eyes, ignoring her weak attempts to push him off. "Or did you see who she tried to kill?" He gathered her in his arms, stroking her hair. "Come on now, Evans." He murmured in her ear. "It's possible to throw it off. I should know! It was child's play back home."

"A-are you s-sure?" She gasped, shaking violently.

"Very sure." He kissed her temple. "Now, be nice and let Prongs hold you before he does unspeakable things to me." She almost laughed, and choked on her tears. Sirius slapped her back while she coughed. Lily waved him off, clamoring to her feet shakily. She would have liked nothing better than to collapse into James' arms, but how many mixed signals could there possibly be? She put her arms around herself, shivering.

It was Howard that stepped forward to put an arm around her. He shot a hard look towards his son. James narrowed his eyes, but if he meant to say something, he didn't get the chance. Howard apparated them to Hogsmeade. He drug her into the Hog's Head through the back door and up to a dark room. Moody joined them within seconds, and Lily wondered when Howard had sent a patronus. She didn't get a chance to ask. They grilled her like she'd become the enemy, asking questions and shouting in her face until they were sure that she wasn't being controlled. Lily was shaken and exhausted by the time they were satisfied. Tears continued to leak down her cheeks as Howard took her from the room and back out the back.

He took her back to the Potter mansion. Grace came exploding out of the house, shouting at her husband. " _—worried sick! Sick, you bloody, irresponsible fool! James was here_ hours _ago—_ " Lily swayed where she stood, on her feet only because Grace had her arm wrapped around her shoulders. She was transferred to Missy's care as Grace continued to shout. The house elf worried and fretted over scrapes that Lily didn't remember getting. Her clothes were stained with blood. Was it hers or someone else's? Her body ached. Missy helped her into clean clothing. Lily collapsed into the bed only half-dressed. She couldn't stay awake anymore.

The only thing she knew was that the sheets smelled like James.

* * *

 _"_ _It's a good surprise." James pleaded, pouting in a way she was sure he thought was cute. Lily rolled her eyes at him._

 _"_ _I know you plenty well, Potter." She disagreed. "Surprises are not good things."_

 _"_ _I am a changed man, you know." He drug her closer, grinning. "After all, you're dating me now, right?"_

 _"_ _James, you know I don't like surprises."_

 _"_ _Just this once."_

 _"_ _Bloody hell." Lily grumbled, thinking longingly of the feast she was sure was happening in the Great Hall. "You're stubborn, you know."_

 _"_ _Only when it matters." James grinned, pulling her inexorably away from the Halloween feast._

 _"_ _Always, you mean." She laughed. He winked broadly. He seemed intent on showing off all the secret passages in the castle. They took two different secret paths until they reached the base of the astronomy tower. "Really, Potter?"_

 _"_ _Trust me, Lily." His grin was infectious, and he didn't let go of her hand as he started up the winding staircase. She followed, unsure if she should be scowling or grinning. If he meant to deflower the tower, she vowed to find some way to hurt him._

 _"_ _This is juvenile." She grumbled when they were halfway up._

 _"_ _Only if you go to have sex." He disagreed, still smiling. "Which shouldn't be happening right now."_

 _"_ _Oh?"_

 _"_ _Remus helped me set a trap at the top." James laughed at whatever was happening on her face. "Come on, Lils. You'll like this, I promise."_

 _"_ _And you won't tell me?" Her legs burned from the amount of stairs._

 _"_ _You'll see in a minute." He fetched his wand from his back pocket, performing a mild counter-charm. "I asked Remus for help, because I know Sirius would get a kick out of pranking us anyway." He said over his shoulder, ushering her onto the landing. Whatever retort she meant to make died on her tongue. An intimate table was set up near the railing, overlooking an absolutely breathtaking view of the grounds and forest. A dinner for two was laid out, and James was smiling very proudly._

 _"_ _A date?" She whispered numbly, leaning against him._

 _"_ _It occurred to me that we've been dating for a month, and I haven't taken you out for a proper date." James shrugged, wrapping his arms around her. "Like it?"_

 _"_ _Yes." Lily said weakly._

 _"_ _Good surprise?"_

 _"_ _I don't know how you managed it." She looked at him, grinning broadly. "Thank you, James." She rose up on her toes, kissing him softly._

 _"_ _Anything for you." He winked, pulling her forward. He pulled out her chair, and Lily couldn't help but think it was a little extravagant of him. But it was sweet, too. She'd never had a boyfriend even think to help with her chair before. The meal he'd procured was a smaller version of the full feast._ I could do much worse than this boy _. Lily thought to herself, enjoying every moment of the date. She marveled at it. Even just four months ago, she'd have laughed herself sick if someone told her that she'd go on a date with James Potter and enjoy every minute. But she was happy. A pure unadulterated happiness that she'd never felt before. All thanks to the boy sitting across from her._


	8. A Best Man's Duty

They were meeting now at the Prewett brother's house. It had seemed like enough space, but with the influx of new members it was feeling rather cramped. Lily was perched on a side table, watching the mingling happening around her. She felt young and insignificant compared to most of the witches and wizards gathered here, though any old Order member would snort at her opinion if they knew.

"This is all very…secretive." Sirius appeared at her elbow, eyes on the crowd.

"It's big." Lily corrected, shooting a smile at Remus as he slipped over to their corner.

"Big?" He repeated skeptically. "Old Voldy probably has six times this many people."

"He does." It was daunting. Sirius raised an eyebrow at her.

"Is James here?" Remus asked, jumping to sit on the table beside her.

"He's not coming." Lily answered before Sirius could. Both frowned at her. "Howard put his foot down with Dumbledore. Never mind that the aurors' department is sending him out on assignments that are as bad as anything we do."

"I heard that." Her partner muttered, joining them.

"That explains that." Sirius muttered to Remus, moving over to his other side to sit. Howard came to stand beside her, and Lily chose to ignore the Marauder's words. After facing Voldemort with James at her side, she heartedly disagreed with Howard's stubbornness. It had been four days since that fight. This meeting had been pushed back to accommodate several new members, and Lily was quietly grateful. She'd needed time to recover.

Once again, Dumbledore's entrance was enough to silence the crowd. The meeting started with an introduction for the new faces—both Sirius and Remus shot her sideways looks when Lily was not introduced as being new. She ignored them. Their mission was explained, though it was hardly needed. Everyone knew why they were here.

Then they went into recently gathered information. Lily related things she'd overheard at the fundraiser—pointedly ignoring the cold look Connor was shooting at her. Fenwick's death earned a moment of silence. Two Ministry workers had heard similar things about the Minister, though they had no concrete evidence for what had been done to him. Lily volunteered the thought that he might be under the Imperius Curse. She did not mention getting to know that curse first hand. Howard spoke of their mission to look for missing persons. He mentioned Sirius' involvement, but not his son's. Aside from running across Death Eaters, it was a very similar story to what they got from other people. Most brought news of deaths; most often incredibly violent deaths. Occasionally, there were signs indicating use of the killing curse. Lily remembered that green light leaving her wand and shuddered. The feeling it left behind was sickening.

There were future missions discussed; people high in the Ministry who needed protection to keep Voldemort from taking over entirely. Some of the new recruits would be on those details. Others would be doing similar work to what Lily and Howard had been doing—gathering information and mapping Death Eater movement. There was talk about possible rescue missions. But over the course of several hours' discussion, it was decided that those missions were too risky. They were too few in number to risk lives on dramatic heroics, or so Moody called the idea.

Sirius and Remus were assigned as partners, despite some mutterings about pairing off two inexperienced people. Lily guessed it was due to Remus' furry problem, and she hoped that whoever was assigning them missions knew of it.

"How long have you been involved in this thing?" Sirius wondered, leaning across Remus as the formal meeting broke up. She pretended not to hear, watching as Connor stalked through the crowd towards her. His face was dark red.

"You have a lot of nerve, _Lily Potter_." He hissed.

"Beg pardon?" Howard had been walking away, but he turned back, frowning. "Did I miss something?"

"Blame James." She said through her teeth as heat rose in her face. She couldn't look at him. "It was his idea to make a statement."

"And why the bloody _hell_ would he need to make a statement?" Connor shouted, attracting glances from people still in the room.

"That was part of the point." Lily shrugged, staring at a point just over Connor's shoulder. "Which he _knew_ somehow. Said he overheard Howard and Moody talking about it."

"That's not the bloody point!"

"Then what is the point?" She shouted, hands clenched on the edge of the table. "That was a _mission_ , Connor. Not a date."

"Then _why_ were you wrapped around him practically having sex on the dance floor?" He exploded. Now everyone in the room was staring, and Lily was sandwiched between James' best friends and father.

"I was _not_." She growled, fighting very hard to not reach for her wand. "Wrapped around him like that. We. Made. A. Statement." She enunciated very clearly. "And learned quite a bit—maybe not in time, but I made the best of what I had."

"You are a right piece of shit." Connor spat, jerking around to stalk off through the crowd. Lily wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. She dared a glance at Howard and found him smirking.

"What?" She growled.

"Sounds exactly like something my son would do." He walked away, laughing to himself. Lily groaned under her breath, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Shall I call you Potter, now?" Sirius teased, giving her knee a friendly pat. "I promise I won't if you tell me how long you've been involved in the Order."

"Don't you dare." She threatened, eyes narrowed.

"Oh, I dunno. Potter sounds pretty good on you." He winked, though the blood rushed from her face, leaving her rather dizzy.

 _Lily Potter._

 _Will you marry me?_

"I've been in the Order since graduation." She croaked, jumping from the table. She had to hold onto it for a minute to keep from swaying. "Since before it had a name." She pushed past him, ignoring the shocked look on his face. Lily wouldn't have minded staying to chat with Remus—it had been a long time she'd seen him. But she couldn't stand to be around people right now.

She apparated to her flat despite the danger. No one had gotten through her wards, and the boxes inside were gathering dust. She had a notice pinned to the door that her rent was overdue. Lily groaned under her breath. She had no money. She threw herself onto her bed, staring at the ceiling. For once, her thoughts were blank.

* * *

Weeks passed in a blur of missions and near misses. Lily flung herself into the Order, determined to make a difference in the war's outcome. She ran into Sirius and Remus rather often—they had been put on the mundane task of paperwork sorting, or so Sirius described it. Someone had to do it, Lily told him often. It never failed to earn her a disgruntled grumble. Sirius would then retort that she needed some manner of vacation. She never stayed in his vicinity long after those comments.

It was one of her usual moments—her hair was frazzled and out of control; she was half-breathless from trying to get back to her flat before Howard could intercept her. She was leaving Headquarters when she quite literally rammed into Remus. She landed rather painfully on her tailbone, muttering curses under her breath.

"I'm sorry!"

"My own stupid fault." Lily groaned, accepting his hand and allowing him to pull her to her feet. "Wasn't watching where I was going. Sorry." She smiled, brushing lint from his coat absently. "Have to run, though."

"I'm sorry about your parents." Remus said sympathetically, stepping aside. She froze.

"What?" She craned around to look at him, frowning.

"Your parents." He repeated. "Moody told us what happened."

"Oh." Lily blinked a few times, half wanting to ask what exactly had happened to her parents, but the look on his face was one of sorrow and pity. She wasn't sure she wanted to know. She wouldn't make Remus tell her. Lily turned, walking away somewhat dazed.

"Lily!" Remus caught up to her as she stepped through the front door. "You didn't hear?"

"Erm…" He pulled a crumpled bit of newspaper from his pocket, offering it to her. The back of his neck was red, and he shuffled in place while she scanned it. Words stood out but hardly registered.

 _Mike and Carolyn Evans…deceased…car crash…survived by two daughters, Petunia Dursley (nee Evans) and Lily Evans._

The ground seemed to drop out from under her. Her ears roared. This was from last week. The funeral was today.

"Lily?" She turned and bolted, heart racing faster than she could run. Lily apparated away to the safety of her flat, fumbling with her keys as the tears started to overflow. She couldn't see. She crumpled to the floor outside her door, sobbing because she hadn't known. Because she hadn't answered her mother's last three letters.

Lily drug herself upright eventually, stumbling into her flat and tripping gracelessly over a box. She banged her knees on the ground, cursing vividly. But she stayed where she'd fallen, smoothing out the newspaper clipping she hadn't given back to Remus. She read through it, trying and failing to comprehend words. It wasn't real. It had to be some elaborate hoax—a best friend's revenge.

She dug through her closet anyway, finding black clothes. She fastened a cloak around her shoulders, not caring that it was the one James had bought her for her birthday. She needed to be close to someone. Lily pulled the hood up, consulting the clipping again. She apparated to a patch of trees she'd once called a forest. She'd played here often as a child. Often with Severus Snape. Lily walked quickly, cloak billowing out behind her. If this was a trap, she didn't care.

The viewing was being held outside, despite the chilling temperatures. It's what her parents would have wanted. There was a somber line of people dressed in black. Lily stopped at the fringes of the park. She felt like she was suffocating. Petunia and Vernon stood near two coffins, speaking to the slowly moving line of people. Her legs gave out. Lily wrapped her arms around herself, feeling entirely unworthy of the love her parents had given her.

She didn't realize she wasn't alone until a hand landed on her shoulder. Lily threw herself sideways with a gasp, expecting Snape to be behind her. _Constant vigilance!_ Moody seemed to shout in her ear. She blinked through tears, staying sprawled on the ground. Of all of the people who would've come…

Sirius Black waited, tense and ready to spring out of the way of whatever curse she thought to send at him. When she remained frozen for several seconds, he reached out and gathered her into his arms. She gasped like a fish out of water, trying to suppress her tears in front of him.

"It's going to be okay." He murmured in her hair. Lily broke down then, losing her battle against her tears. She clung to him as great, wracking sobs tore through her body. Sirius rocked her back and forth gently, humming comfortingly. This was a side of Sirius that she'd never seen before. Marlene had told her that he could be sweet, but Lily hadn't believed her until this moment.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry." She gasped out, as her tears abated and then threatened to begin again.

"Why, Lils?" He squeezed her tighter.

"B-b-because…" She couldn't get the words out. She was embarrassed by her break down; horrified that she needed him to hold her to this earth.

"There are worse things than a slightly damp shirt." He kissed her temple. "We are friends, Lily; no matter what happened between you and James. No matter what happens, I am your friend." She whimpered low in her throat, too vulnerable in the moment to accept that declaration. She was choking, coughing, as she tried to push away from Sirius. Rather than let her go, he rose, hauling her to her feet as well.

"I'm fine." Her voice was rough with emotion. Her hands shook as she wiped away her tears.

"Merlin, Lily." Sirius jerked her back, wrapping his arms around her. "Have a problem with friendship, do you?"

"No." Her denial was muffled in his shirt. "Emotion."

"Emotion, huh?" His hands were soft and soothing, lulling her into a happier place. "You're clearly not spending enough time with the Potters."

"I basically live there." She mumbled, resting her cheek on his dry shoulder.

"There's an eviction notice taped to your door, you know."

"Oh?" That was news, though not entirely surprising. Resignation made her hold onto him. Where could she live now?

Sirius said nothing further. Maybe he was content now that she seemed to be accepting his comfort. Maybe he was waiting for an explanation. As the crowd around her sister thinned, Lily straightened. She would have to walk over there. Her hands were still shaking.

"Come with me?" She asked uncertainly, faltering because she wasn't quite sure when this friendship of theirs started. Sirius nodded, putting a hand on her shoulder to help steady her. She needed it. Lily stepped forward, now second guessing her choice of outfit. Why did she wear a cloak to a muggle funeral? It was too late to turn back now.

Several people stopped them along the way, voicing condolences and fond memories of her parents. Lily's face hurt with the effort it took to keep herself in check; to smile politely and thank them for their support. After what seemed like eternity, Lily reached Petunia and Vernon. She looked past her sister, bile rising the back of her throat. How could she have let this happen?

"How dare you?" Petunia hissed, just the right amount of tears on her face. "How dare you come here today?"

"They were my parents too." Lily said weakly. Sirius was a solid presence behind her. She may have run if he hadn't been standing there.

" _Weeks_ you spent ignoring mum! Do you know what that did to her?" Petunia kept her voice to a quiet shriek. "How dare you show your face here after what you did to her!" Vernon's face was an odd shade of purple, Lily noted in an absent corner of her mind. Easier to notice random things like that than listen to what her sister was saying. It was too easy to believe Petunia; to believe that she had no place here.

"Pet…"

" _You didn't love her!_ " It was too much. Sirius or not, the words were striking too close to home. Lily whirled with the intention to run, tears overflowing again. Sirius hooked an arm around her waist, spinning her right back around. He tugged her past Petunia and Vernon, setting her directly in front of the coffins.

"You'll regret it every day if you run out without saying goodbye." Sirius said quietly, rubbing her arms gently. "You loved your parents, Lily. I know it."

"You d-don't know me." It was reflexive—a knee jerk reaction to push him away. To attack him because she was afraid. Sirius pushed her forward hard enough that she had to catch herself on the nearest coffin. The wood grain was smooth beneath her hands, polished to utter perfection.

"Lily Evans, you are the kindest woman I know." Sirius said behind her. "Even to us jerks who tried very hard to make your life hell for a few years." She glanced back at him. He was utterly serious. "These things you're feeling—the hurt, the fear—that's what tells you that you loved them very much. If you were cold towards your parents, you wouldn't have bothered to come. You'd be off on a mission. If you didn't truly care, then you'd be standing here without a tear on your face. It's okay to mourn, Lils. It's okay to be human with the rest of us."

It felt like the world was spinning around her. Petunia was still there, frozen with her mouth hanging open. Vernon was now a rich shade of puce. Behind Sirius, several of her parents' friends were nodding their agreement. She stumbled forward, flinging her arms around him.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" She mumbled.

"You love my best friend." Sirius told her. "It's a best man's duty."

"I refused him." Lily couldn't help but remind him. He hummed noncommittally, squeezing her once more before releasing her.

"Let's go get drunk, Evans."

"I can't afford that." The words left her mouth before she could think better of it, but the idea sounded brilliant. She turned her back to Sirius' frown, stepping forward once again.

 _I'm sorry._ She told her parents silently. _I'm sorry I didn't apologize sooner. I love you both._ She kissed her fingers and touched it to the smooth wood of each coffin. She wouldn't linger—it would make Petunia happy if she left, and her parents would want them to get along. Getting along would mean never seeing her sister again. Lily led the way from the funeral, deciding that she didn't really mind her sister's attitude.

"Let me get this straight." The hardness in Sirius' voice stopped her. Lily turned to face him, confused by the anger radiating off of him. "Your friends _and your partner_ come from filthy rich families—"

"Sirius—"

"No, shut up!" He snarled. "Bloody hell, woman."

"I don't want charity!" Lily shouted, hands clenched. "I'll find a way to make money, Sirius."

"I have money!" He bellowed, flinging his hands up.

"Good for you!" She jerked around, making to stomp off. His hand on her arm stopped her. "Bugger off, Black."

"Evans, _let me help you_."

"I don't need help!"

"What _is_ it with you?" He cried. "Emotions are a horrible travesty that should be bottled up and kept secret. You won't ask for financial support even though you're running circles around everyone in the Order, and it's your only work. It _obvious_ that you're not eating much, and now I'm starting to wonder if it's because you can't afford it."

"Obvious, is it?" She hissed, acutely embarrassed by his perception.

"Skin and bone is not a good look for you, Evans."

"Bloody hell." This being the same man who'd complimented her not ten minutes ago. "Bugger—" His hand clamped over her mouth. Lily tried to shriek, but he had a viselike grip on her and apparated with her to a shady alley. He drug her kicking and screaming into a bar. As her luck would have it, it was one of those sketchy places where the patrons didn't seem to care that she was very unwilling to be there. Sirius thrust her into a booth and parked on the bench beside her, trapping her between him and the wall.

"Try to climb out." He growled. "Dare you."

"Sirius Black you are…" Lily groped for an adequate word and came up quite short. He glowered at her. She blew out an angry breath. "The most infuriating nice guy I've had the misfortune of meeting." She sat back with a huff, arms crossed. "Where the bloody hell are we?"

"Shaver's Corner." He answered, jerking his chin at the bartender. "Shabby chic."

"Oh really?" She rolled her eyes. "Is that what you call this?" Sirius grinned wickedly. He didn't move, but in short order an oily man came over with two pints of beer and a massive plate of food.

"Eat up, Bones."

"For the record, Black, I have been able to afford food." As gross at the place seemed, the food tasted fantastic and the beer was some of the best she'd had in years. Sirius rolled his eyes at her, though he let her eat in silence, nursing his beer and occasionally stealing a chip from the plate. Lily wasn't sure what she could say to him. She wasn't sure how to come to terms with her parents' deaths. They reached the third round in silence. Lily was leaning against him, cheek resting on his shoulder while his rested on the top of her head. She traced random patterns into the condensation on the table.

"Know what happened last time I spoke to my mum?" She muttered, breaking the silence. "She went off on my hair again—"

"What's wrong with your hair?"

"'S not styled or anything."

"Why the bloody hell does that matter?" Sirius snorted.

"She always said that boys would think it mattered. They'd want a girl all styled and make-uped. Not…me."

"Pretty sure James never cared." He shrugged loosely. "Never shut up about how sexy you were. You know, I do have eyes too." She laughed weakly.

"And you think I'm sexy, Black?"

"In a you're my best friend's girl sort of way." He gave her leg a pat. "I like mine busty and blond."

"Sure, sure." Lily giggled. She didn't protest when he ordered another round. "But she went off on my hair and the fact that I don't have a job—"

"You have a job. A very important job."

"Which I told her, but it doesn't pay anything and I'm not getting married and I don't wear my hair nice or make-up my face." Lily took a deep breath. "And she said she could tell I was losing weight and accused me of not eating. I told her I ate at my partners' house sometimes—"

"Grace is a bloody amazing cook."

"Very true, but mum took that to mean I was seeing a girl. She freaked. I got mad, and I told her I'd write to let her know when I'd be having grandbabies for her." Lily gulped down a swig of beer. "That's the last thing I said to her."

"Ouch."

"Brilliant answer."

"No offense, but she sounds like a bitch."

"Offense taken." Lily scowled, though she didn't move away from him.

"Too soon?" He winced. "I'm sorry, that was poor taste on my part."

"I love her, I really do. But…"

"But?" He prompted.

"I'm not perfect." She whispered, tracing the ring her glass left behind. "I'm never going to be perfect, and that's all she ever wanted me to be."

"No one's perfect, Lils."

"I know." She heaved a sigh. "And I know I'd tell the same to anyone else. It's a stupid thing to aim for, perfection. But I just can't…" It hurt to talk about it. "I can't move past it, Sirius. I _want_ to be perfect for them."

"You are perfect just like you are."

"Corny."

"Evans, you are beautiful and wonderful, and for the love of Merlin the next time James asks you to marry him, just bloody say yes!"

"Sirius!" Lily jerked back, shocked.

"What?" He caught himself, smiling indulgently.

"I'm pretty sure I burned that bridge." She rolled her eyes at him, wanting to wipe the smirk from his face. "I'm out of second chances with him."

"I very much doubt that."

"Please stop." Sirius shrugged and shook his head slightly, ordering yet another round. Lily drank, wanting to forget everything that had happened in the last year. There would be no future chances with James. There was only so much rejection a man could be expected to take and still come crawling back. It wouldn't be fair to ask him for another chance, to hell with Sirius' opinion of the matter.

They finished one more round before Sirius helped her from the booth. Lily's head was buzzing from both the alcohol and the emotional roller-coaster of the day. She held onto him, trusting that he wouldn't get them both splinched. To her dismay, Sirius deposited her at the Potter mansion. Despite her mumbled protests, Grace led her to the third floor bedroom that she'd been staying in. Grace tucked her into bed with whispered condolences, kissing her forehead before leaving. Tears found her again, and Lily cried herself to sleep, missing her parents. Missing James.


	9. Shattering

Grief, Lily decided, could wait for another day. Sometime after this war was over. There was too much going on to lose herself to it now. She snapped at Howard when he suggested they take a few days for her to mourn and regroup. She didn't need a few days. She needed to be busy. Keep her mind and hands occupied.

"Are you _trying_ to kill yourself?" Sirius asked sardonically several times over the next week and a half. He was teasing…mostly. Remus was not teasing. He was a fly buzzing in her ear, telling her off for meals half-eaten; arguing with her running out in the middle of the night on some mission several nights in a row. She smiled and brushed aside his worry, thanking him daily for allowing her to bunk in his shack.

Sirius had been a hard man to deter once he figured out her financial situation. He'd moved all of her things from her flat, stowing the boxes of unopened stuff in a corner of the Potters' attic. The rest, he'd taken to Remus' and informed both of them that she would be moving in until further notice. She could stay at the Potter mansion for the few days surrounding the full moon according to Sirius. Lily had tried to protest, but stopped rather quickly because she didn't want to hurt Remus by making him think that she didn't want to be around him.

So far, she hadn't seen James, but Lily wouldn't have put it past Sirius to arrange an "accidental" meeting. She hoped for James' sake that he wouldn't. Seeing him was like rubbing salt in an open wound. She couldn't imagine how he felt looking at her.

She guessed that Sirius and Remus were keeping him informed of Order business, especially after Peter Pettigrew was brought in to help with the quickly accumulating paperwork. With three Marauders already involved, James must know about it. With each successive meeting, Lily was more certain that she'd see him there. But so far, he hadn't made an appearance, and Howard was adamant that his son would stay out of the worst of it. Lily had given up trying to reason with him.

She knew it was putting strain on his relationship with James. Missy had been quite tearful about it the other night, wishing there was something she could do to help. Lily could do nothing more than hug the house elf and tell her it would all be okay. She didn't believe her own words, though. So it was less of a surprise than she wanted it to be to walk into Howard's office mid-shouting match.

" _—_ _child!_ " James was shouting, pacing like a caged lion.

" _—_ _rash and irrational—_ "

" _—_ _bloody protect me forever—_ "

" — _all common sense—_ "

Lily paused on the threshold, catching random words and feeling terribly out of place. They both noticed her, but the shouting continued. She took two careful steps back.

" _—_ _no bloody wonder she broke up with you!_ " Lily froze, heart leaping to her throat. James stopped as well, rigid. The silence was deafening.

"Excuse me?" James' voice was frosty, holding rage she'd only heard in him once before. Sixth year, he'd spoken like that to Sirius once. She'd never known why.

"You are rash, irrational, and you never think." Howard spat, hands clenched. "You demand to not be treated like a child, and yet you act like one every day! That girl is worth ten of you. It is time to _grow up_. Start using that head of yours for something more than petty tricks!"

Her jaw was unhinged. Horror beat through her in time to her heart. James brushed past her, rage darkening his expression. She couldn't blame him. Anger started to filter through her shock. James vanished around the corner, and she turned slowly to face Howard.

"How dare you?" She breathed. Shock turned to anger in a heartbeat. " _What the fuck was that?_ "

"Lily—"

"I'm worth ten of him, am I?" Her voice was an octave too high. "Is that what you truly think?" She wanted him to agree just to have a reason to hex him. " _Bloody hell, Potter!_ "

"Lily, he's not ready for this."

"And when will he be?" She shouted. "I don't know if you noticed, Potter, but he's matured a shit ton in the last year. Even at the end of sixth year! That's why I started dating him in the first place! James is just as ready as I am!"

"He behaves like a child—"

" _How else do you expect him to behave with you as an example?_ " Howard flinched back, but Lily was on a roll now, too far beyond the point of fury to stop herself. " _You_ treat him like a child! Your very argument is childish. Who isn't ready for this, Howard? James? Or _you?_ " She paused for breath. "And don't you _dare_ drag me into it again. I love your son, and I haven't stopped loving him! He is a bloody good person, loyal to a fault, and a better man than you could ever hope to be! I said no because it was something I wasn't ready for—it had nothing to do with him! I have regretted it every day since!" Why was her face wet? "Do _not_ for one minute think that it was a fault of James'."

"Evans—"

"Don't you dare justify yourself!" She barked. "Or is that the last thing you want to say to your son, Potter? You laugh at death as much as he does, yet it can find you just as easily! How do you want him to remember you? Like this?"

Lily whirled around, leaving Howard gaping. The temptation to hurl something at his head was too great. She tripped over solid air, cursing under her breath. Of all the moments to be clumsy! It didn't deter her for more than a breath, and she stormed through the rest of the house, slamming the door on her way out. She apparated to Remus' already raging out loud as she threw open the door.

" _—_ _can't bloody believe that stupid prat!_ " Sirius and Remus looked from their game of exploding snap, both looking rather surprised to see her. She picked up a vase—one that had followed her here—and threw it as hard as she could into the wall. Both jumped, setting off the cards.

"I liked that vase." Remus whispered. Lily fixed it with a flick of her wand only so she could throw it again.

"Ah, Lils?"

" _Bloody…Potter."_ She hissed out, wanting to lash out more.

"Merlin, Evans, what's Prongs done this time?" Sirius groaned, pressing a hand to his face. It threw her for a moment.

"Not him." She said impatiently. "The other one."

"What?" He looked up quickly. The vase missed his nose by inches. "Lily!" Remus jumped to his feet, catching her.

"I think the vase has had enough."

"I take it—" The door slamming open interrupted him. James paused for just a step before continuing forward with a pointed roll of his eyes.

"Taking them too, are you?" He spat, stalking off down a hall. In the back of the shack, a door slammed, rattling the rafters.

"I can't win, can I?" Lily waved Remus off, turning back for the door.

"Oh don't leave now, Evans." James sneered, stalking back with his broom slung over his shoulder. "I'm sure they'd _love_ —"

"That was bloody well not my fault!" She shouted, heart clenched in her chest. "He was out of line and you know it!"

"Do I?" He laughed coldly. He stopped inches from her. "Do I really, Evans?"

"You should."

"I don't." He stepped around her, making for the door with Sirius on his heels. He left her shaking.

"Lily, what—"

"Talk to James." Her voice was harsh, much too harsh. But she couldn't look at Remus. "He's your friend, and I can't… I just can't." She left before she could break down in tears. What was she thinking coming here? Of course James would go to his friends after that! She would not let herself come between the Marauders. No matter how desperate she was for a good friend. No matter that she had no place to sleep tonight without returning to the Potter mansion.

She apparated away, uncertain of where to go. It was madness to return to the forest in which she fought Voldemort, but it was the only place she could think to go. She retraced her steps to the knoll overlooking the cave. Prongs' hoofprints were still there in the dirt. Lily sank to the ground beside them.

 _What am I doing?_ She hid her face in her knees. It was easy to recall her rage at Howard. She'd shouted…damn it all, why had she told him how much she still loved James? Why did it take her this long to admit exactly how much she regretted saying no? _I should have asked for time. Why didn't I ask for time instead of running?_ She hadn't even been thinking of marriage when he asked. She still didn't want it. She just wanted to be with James. He would want to take her down that path, though. He'd want the ring with the nice house. A baby in a few years. Lily thumped her head against the tree, unable to reconcile her love of him and what she knew he wanted from her.

 _I'll send you a letter. Let you know when to expect grandbabies_. She'd said it so carelessly. Lily pulled her knees in tighter to her chest. She couldn't fathom what a child of her and James' would be like; couldn't picture any manner of new life. She closed her eyes and saw the blank stares of people she'd lost. Only death was ahead of her. It stared her in the face, telling her that she was next.

* * *

 _The great lake shimmered in the spring sun. They strolled hand in hand around it, basking in the sun and the freedom that was mere moments away._ Bittersweet freedom _, Lily thought to herself. She had a meeting with Moody in two days to learn what her place in the coming war would be. She glanced at James from the corner of her eye, wondering if she ought to tell him about the attack at Christmas. But he'd ask why she hadn't told him then, and she still had no solid reason for her reticence._

 _"_ _It's beautiful." She murmured instead._

 _"_ _Yeah." He agreed, grinning. "I can't believe this is it."_

 _"_ _Seems unreal." Lily glanced back towards the castle. Exams were over. Tomorrow, they would board the train and everything would change. Anticipation made it hard to sit still, which is why they were taking this stroll around the lake. "Will you miss it?"_

 _"_ _Some things." James shrugged. "It'll be even more odd come September when we're not coming back."_

 _"_ _I suppose." It was plenty odd now. They stopped under his favorite oak tree and Lily had to smile for the memories they'd made here in the last year. "So…" Words died on her tongue. She'd turned to find him on one knee, holding a ring. Her breath left in a rush._

 _"_ _I love you." He started, very serious. Was the world pitching off its axis or was that just her? "And I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Her hands were very cold all the sudden. "Will you marry me?"_

 _"_ _J—I—you—" Merlin she couldn't think! Her mouth moved, but no sound emerged. What the bloody hell did he expect her to say? "You're joking." She managed eventually, voice incredibly hoarse._

 _"_ _No." James grinned at her, inviting her to share his excitement. "I'm serious."_

 _"_ _No." He rocked back, excitement turning to surprised disbelief in a second. Lily blinked at him. She'd meant to say 'holy fuck' but 'no' was close enough, right?_

 _"_ _Lily?"_

 _"_ _Merlin, James!" She jerked her hand free of his, spinning away. "Please just say this is a joke!"_

 _"_ _Why?" He demanded, thankfully on both feet again. He was honestly confused. Why was she the only one freaking out? "Lily, we've talked about moving in together—"_

 _"_ _Living together is a far cry from marriage!" Her voice spiked to a shout. Alarm hammered through her. She was supposed to be meeting with Alastor Moody in two short days. They were on the brink of war._

 _"_ _And what's so bad about marriage?"_

 _"_ _There's a war going on, if you hadn't noticed."_

 _"_ _And? So?" He gestured wildly. "Life doesn't have to stop for it, Lils. I love you. War doesn't change that."_

 _"_ _No, James." She repeated. "My answer is no."_

 _"_ _Why?"_

 _"_ _There's a war going on!"_

 _"_ _That's not a reason!" He shouted._

 _"_ _I don't want to marry you!" They stared at each other for a long minute. Lily was gasping like she'd run a marathon. James was frozen, eyes wide like she'd just slapped him across the face. And maybe she had. "Why the fuck did you just ask?" Merlin, she shouldn't have said that out loud._

 _"_ _Because I love you." His voice shook. "Because I thought you loved me, too." She retreated from the accusation in his face. "What did you mean exactly when you said you loved me? Because I've clearly missed something. I though moving in together and…" He bit off, turning away from her. Lily felt her own throat tighten with tears. Her mind was still scattered._ Will you marry me? _Of all the things he could have asked her that was lowest on her list of expectations. She didn't know how to react._

 _"_ _I do love you." She faltered._

 _"_ _But you don't want to marry me. Do you see the irony in that, Lily?"_

 _"_ _Fuck, James. No, I don't want to marry you. No, I don't see irony in this situation." Lily pressed her hands to her face. "Why—"_

 _"_ _Don't you dare." He hissed, now angry. "Damn it, Evans." She felt vaguely like she'd been run over by a train. "We're done then, is that it?"_

 _"_ _I won't marry you." Her body was numb. In some distant corner of her mind, she realized they were breaking up. "You can't expect that from me."_

 _"_ _So a year of dating means nothing to you?"_

 _"_ _It hasn't been a bloody year!" She shrieked, clenching her hands to keep them from shaking. "James—"_

 _"_ _How many times did you say you loved me? How many times did you lie?" James spat, fury in every inch of him._

 _"_ _I didn't bloody well keep track." Lily rolled her eyes, missing the second question entirely. The was a dull roaring in her ears. His voice sounded like it was coming from the other end of a tunnel._

 _"_ _Fine." His eyes were blazing. "Nice knowing you."_

 _"_ _So that's it then?" Three years of him chasing her and less than a year of dating and for what? "Nice knowing you." She echoed, turning rather jerkily to walk for the castle. She didn't want to hear his response. She couldn't tolerate the look on his face for a moment longer._ I can't marry him. _Her body wasn't functioning properly. She hardly felt her legs moving, carrying her to Gryffindor tower. Her brain was mush. She heard nothing but the sound of his proposal._

Will you marry me?

 _She felt sick to her stomach. Lily stumbled into the seventh years' dorm, ashen._

 _"_ _Lily! There you are. I thought you'd be off somewhere with James christening… Lily?" Marlene abandoned her trunk, reaching for her. "Woman, what happened?"_

 _"_ _We broke up." Her lips were numb. Saying it to Marlene made it real._

 _"_ _You…" Her jaw dropped open. "Merlin, Lily what? How? I mean, why?"_

 _"_ _He proposed." She managed, staring at the room without seeing it._

 _"_ _He what?"_

 _"_ _I said no."_

 _"_ _Why the bloody hell did you say no?" Marlene shouted. Lily scarcely heard her. In her mind, she saw his face going from excitement to devastation in a matter of seconds. She couldn't cry over this. Not when she was the one dumping him. "Evans! Answer me!"_

 _"_ _I don't want to marry him." She sat bonelessly on Marlene's bed, pressing her hands to her face._

 _"_ _Why not?" She planted her hands on her hips, looming over Lily. It reminded her strongly of her mother. Merlin, what would her mum say if she knew?_

 _"_ _I can't."_

 _"_ _Can't?"_

 _"_ _Won't."_

 _"_ _Bloody hell, Lily, give me a straight answer."_

 _"_ _I don't want to!" Her voice broke, and she lost a few tears. "Isn't that enough?"_

 _"_ _No, it's not." Marlene sat down beside her, frowning. "Weren't you just talking about moving in with him?" Lily groaned under her breath. They'd been talking a lot about that recently._

 _"_ _Marriage is different."_

 _"_ _Really? I mean, most people wait until marriage to move in with their significant other, but you and James have always been—"_

 _"_ _Bugger off, Marlene." Lily stood abruptly. "I don't want to get married, and I especially don't want to marry James Potter!" She slammed out of the dorm, bolting through the common room. She reached a broom closet James hadn't drug her into, and locked herself inside it. She cast a quick charm around the place before finally breaking down. She wept. Why had he asked? Why hadn't she foreseen his plan? Why did she hurt so much?_

* * *

Lily thought about the proposal and her reaction to it. She wished she hadn't been so blindsided by it. She simply reacted rather than reason through what he was saying. He was right. Nothing had been the same since they left Hogwarts. Her heart had shattered along the way, and Lily was so busy running that she'd forgotten what she was running to or what she was running from.

In the hours that she spent in the forest, Lily learned one thing for absolute certainty. She was all alone, and there was no one left who cared enough to track her down.


	10. Ambush

_"_ _Lily, you are a bloody idiot."_

She heard him so clearly. She smiled because it was something James would say. It was what he should have said when she started to refuse him.

She was cold. Very cold.

She touched his cheek with icy fingers, wondering how foolish she would look to someone on the outside. Physically reacting to a manifestation of her subconscious. He bent over her, cradling her. She wanted to cry, but she was too cold to produce the tears.

"You're dad's the idiot." She mumbled, tripping over her tongue. She lost track of the hallucination, wishing she could erase the hurt she'd seen on his face when Howard was shouting. But it wasn't hers to change, and it wasn't any different than the hurt she'd caused when she'd refused his proposal.

* * *

Lily woke abruptly, cocooned in warm blankets. She sat up quickly, making her head throb. She groaned under her breath, taking in Remus' little shack. She was on his couch. Remus watched her from the kitchenette, stirring something around in a little cauldron.

"Ow." She groaned, easing herself back onto the pillows. How had she gotten here?

"You look pretty beat up." Remus murmured, voice very soft. "I'm no great potions master, but Grace gave me this recipe for my headaches. Works pretty well."

"Thanks." Her voice was little more than a croak. He handed her a cup of it, and the warm liquid was soothing to her sore throat. "How did I get here?"

"Beats me." He shrugged. "I was out with Sirius looking for you. Came back and you were here looking like death itself."

"You didn't bring me?" Lily frowned.

"No, and Peter was out looking with James. Said that they didn't find you either."

"Who else can get through your wards?" She asked uncertainly. Warmth began to trickle through her limbs and the throbbing in her temples eased.

"Anyone in the Order." Remus shrugged. "They have this place set up as a safe house. Dunno why all things considered."

"What things considered?" She dared him to mention his lycanthropy. His eyes narrowed. "Remus Lupin, you are a wonderful man, and your house is perfectly safe with the exception of one night a month. Don't go—"

"Are you always preachy after spending a night freezing to death?" Remus plucked the empty cup from her hand, returning it to the kitchen. His eyes were shining like he was tearing up. Lily let it go with a small sigh. He wouldn't believe her no matter how many times she tried to bang his head against the wall.

"I've never tried freezing to death before, so I wouldn't really know."

"You gave it your best shot." He turned back, mustering up a proper glare. "I'll leave the lecture to Sirius. He was beside himself when you went storming off like that."

"I didn't go storming anywhere." Lily argued, pointedly ignoring his disbelieving snort. "But I really shouldn't be here."

"Why?"

"I'm not trying to come between you guys and James. You're his friend first, and—"

"And we don't have room for both of you?" Remus shook his head. "For someone so bright, you can be really stupid sometimes."

"Remus, you saw him yesterday—"

"And spoke to him after he worked out some of his anger. Lils, you can't blame him for being upset after that. I can't imagine you let Howard off easily, but embarrassment on top of the shame of his father not thinking he's worth much? James is a great guy and all, but even a saint would lose his temper over that!" It made sense. She bit the inside of her cheek, considering his point from all angles. Valid or not, it didn't erase the hatred shining in James' eyes when he looked at her.

As much as she wanted to curl up on the couch and pity herself, Lily had a job to do. A very important job, as Sirius had pointed out before. She thanked Remus for the potion, excusing herself despite his blatant disapproval. It was impossible to win a war whilst pining on a couch. She wouldn't get back into it until she faced Howard.

He was sitting outside the mansion, staring absently at the bed of flowers nestled beneath the kitchen window when she arrived. Lily tried to brace herself. Either they'd shout some more, or he'd try to apologize. There were no happy mediums with this family. She stopped beside his chair, hooking her thumbs in her pockets.

"Hey." For a long minute, Howard didn't respond to her. He didn't move a muscle. Lily glanced down, finding a thick book resting in the grass by his feet. The book looked very old.

"I'm surprised to see you." He said eventually. Lily clenched her jaw, unsure of what to make of that statement. Movement in the corner of her eye made her glance towards the house. She met James' gaze. He mouthed something at her, and she could have fooled herself into thinking he was saying 'sorry'. He didn't approach them, and Lily watched his path from the house towards the apparation point.

"Did you speak with him?" She asked.

"I will." Howard levered himself to his feet.

"Soon?" Lily prompted.

"You made your point clear enough yesterday." He ducked to grab the book, tucking it under his arm. She felt herself blush, but she still leveled a scowl at him. "Though why you felt it necessary to go back to that forest is beyond me."

" _You_ found me?"

"I'm not surprised you don't remember."

"You took me to Remus'?" Lily frowned, following him into the mansion.

"He said you'd been staying there." He said over his shoulder. "You have unparalleled stubbornness, Evans."

"Because I'd rather not stay here?" She asked sardonically. Howard stopped abruptly, and she tripped over herself to keep from running into him.

"You're infuriating."

"Excuse me?"

"Evans, you are my partner. The Order has enough trouble staying afloat as it is without paying salaries. I assumed that you'd taken care of the situation because you never said anything. Why is it that I have to find out through a well-meaning friend that you lost your flat because you couldn't afford rent?" He glowered at her, looking so much like James that it was unbelievable. She looked away. "I have money."

"I don't want your money!" Lily cried.

"Because of James?"

"Am I not allowed to have a speck of pride, Potter?" She glared at him, face hot with embarrassment. "I don't want charity."

"It's not charity!" He shouted. She jerked back at the force of his anger. "Merlin, _you are my partner_. It's not just about going out on missions, Evans." She felt about an inch tall. She understood what he meant. "Forgive me for being born into old money, but I have several hundred galleons I can afford to lose and still have enough that if he chose, James and his future children would never have to work a day in their lives."

"Forgive me for not accepting handouts from my ex's father." Lily stepped around him, reeling. She wasn't sure what to think.

"So it is about James."

"It's a lot of things, Potter." She flung herself on the chair in his office. "Besides, Sirius basically took care of it."

" _I_ would have—"

"I know." Lily interrupted. "That's why I didn't ask." Howard rolled his eyes and spent a few seconds staring at the ceiling, mouthing words she didn't bother to read.

"I owe you an apology, Lily." Howard said eventually. She bit her lip to keep from making a smart retort. "I was out of line, yesterday."

"You should apologize to James."

"I will."

"You should have done that first."

"Maybe." He shrugged. "And I did a lot of thinking after you left, and you were right. I'm not ready for him to be involved in any of this. Lily, I've seen the kinds of scars these fights leave behind. I'm laced with them—the ones you can't see. I don't want that for him."

"You can't protect him forever." Lily said with forced patience. "James will get involved one way or another. Keeping him…under control within the Order is safer than letting him make rash mistakes on his own. At least the Order will give him defined missions."

"And when he deviates?" Howard pressed. "You know he will…"

"What, like you?" She snorted. "I'm pretty sure I faced Voldemort thanks to your rash action. And I'll tell you what, Potter; I was really glad to have James with me then." Howard had the decency to flush.

"But…"

"He deserves the chance to fight in this war." The fight had not gone out of Howard. Mutiny lingered in his expression, though he seemed to be out of reasons. Lily blew out a breath. It was like talking to a brick wall. "What's next for us?" She asked instead.

"So eager, are you?" Howard shook his head slightly. "I met with Dumbledore earlier." He offered her the book. "Have you heard of the Fidelius Charm?"

"No."

"I hadn't either. Dumbledore says it's a way for us to protect certain places—ourselves really—but it entrusts the location to one person. He called it the Secret Keeper."

"Oh?" Lily frowned. "Is he thinking this is something Voldemort is doing?"

"Merlin, no!" Howard laughed slightly. "It's very old magic, Lily, and not really his sort of deal. We're trying to add a level of protection to our doings. It's only a matter of time before they find out where we're meeting. We know they know who we are."

"And the book?"

"Lots of confusing and complicated protective charms." He gestured loosely. "Not really my cup of tea, but I've been told you're wonderful at charm work."

"You want me to read this?" She deadpanned. The book was hefty, and a quick peek inside revealed small, cramped writing.

"Consider it punishment for contracting hypothermia last night."

"I didn't—"

"Lily, you were delirious and blue." He scowled. "Brush it off all you want, but you're lucky I went looking for you." She said nothing, fingering the ornate cover of the book. She'd been so absolutely certain that she had no one last night. It had consumed her. _They all came looking. Even James._

"Thank you." She whispered.

"Don't do it again."

"I won't. Apologize to your son."

"I will."

"Today." Howard said nothing in response, though Lily didn't expect him to.

She left him alone in the study, retreating to her favorite nook in the house. There, she opened the ancient book, narrowing her eyes at the small font. She lost track of time, reading until it was almost impossible to get her eyes to focus. Many of the charms were entirely impractical for the sort of operation the Order was running. She hadn't yet found anything on the Fidelius Charm.

"You are rather inconvenient."

"James!" Lily started, banging her head against the low ceiling. He grinned, easing his way down the opposite wall.

"This is my favorite place in the house." James told her as she gaped at him. "Problems, Evans?"

"Oh, you know." She shrugged, regaining her composure. "Having fights with the world and reading impossibly small text." It was agonizing to have him so close, to see him smiling at her like that, without being able to touch him.

"At least you're doing something." James looked out the window, eyes narrowed.

"Your father will come around."

"You heard him yesterday." She winced at the reminder.

"I'm sorry, James. I—"

"No." He interrupted, leg just barely brushing against hers. "I am sorry. You were right. It wasn't your fault or doing. I just… Bloody hell, I can't remember ever being that mad before."

"You had every right to be furious."

"But then you…"

"Me?" Lily frowned, feeling like she'd been plunged in ice all the sudden.

"We'd assumed you'd come back here, but then I got a patronus from dad asking if we knew where you were." James blew out a heavy breath. "Sirius was gone before the patronus even stopped talking. He won't tell me what happened between the pair of you, but I swear…" He cut himself off, scowling out the window.

"We had a moment at my parents' funeral." Lily shrugged jerkily. It hadn't felt like too much in the moment, but in hindsight maybe it had been a little too intimate. She'd needed it in that moment. "He's been a little overbearing since."

"Funeral?" His head whipped around. "You're parents?" He looked horrified. "I had no idea…"

"Neither did I until Remus told me." Lily smiled shakily. "Some daughter I am, right?" She looked away from him, squeezing her eyes shut against the desire to cry. James didn't help her in the least, scooting around to be beside her. As much as she knew it was a terrible idea, Lily let him wrap her in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry."

"'S not your fault." She mumbled, battling the urge to melt into his light embrace.

"Was it an attack?" He asked softly.

"Car crash."

"I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse." He didn't release her. Lily had no answer for the manner of their death. She thought maybe it was better, because it kept her from thinking that if she'd just been there, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. But she wanted desperately to talk to her mother about James and the confusing mess of emotions she felt towards him.

The silence stretched too long. Now Lily wasn't sure what to say or do, because it was comfortable and peaceful. She was wrapped up in him, breath synchronized to his. It lulled her into a peace she hadn't felt since Hogwarts. She feared breaking this stillness, because she didn't know which way they'd fall. Harsh words or soft? She thought of the fundraiser; remembered his kiss. She thought of the fighting and bickering that had happened since. And now this.

She wanted to never leave his arms. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted—

" _Prongs!_ " Sirius' shout broke through the tranquility. Both of them jumped, and James released her like he'd been stung. "I'd better not find you moping!" He scrambled and was gone. He yelled something back to Sirius, and Lily caught the faint sound of Grace shouting at them both to stop shouting through the house. Lily smiled to herself, touching the pendant hidden beneath her shirt. It was cool to the touch—she was in no danger here.

Lily fished it from beneath her shirt, fingers ghosting over the smooth emerald of the stone. She remembered sitting in her rented room at the Leaky Cauldron, shaken from the attack and her first encounter with Alastor Moody. She'd opened James' Christmas gift, desperate for a distraction; forgetting the possibility of a prank. There was no prank, only a simple, teardrop necklace on a long, golden chain. The very same enchanted necklace she'd admired during one of their dates in Hogsmeade. She'd worn it every day since, even after their break-up.

The necklace was deceptively simple; the gift was as extravagant as anything he'd gotten for her in the past. She knew it was outrageously expensive—not for the stone, but for the protective charms within it. Since graduating, she'd discovered many of its secrets. The most useful being that the stone would heat if the wearer was in imminent danger. It also seemed to have some minor healing charms embedded in it, though Lily hadn't figured out the extent of those. She hoped to never be in a situation to find out.

* * *

"Am I the only one that has a bad feeling about this?" Howard whispered, breath stirring the hair by her ear.

"It's…eerie." She agreed. And cold. She could see her breath and her fingers were numb. The only bit of warmth was the pendant against her throat.

The air had a bad taste to it. Trepidation rose and refused to leave. This was supposed to be a simple assignment. They were watching over a rather nondescript house for reasons Dumbledore hadn't fully explained. Lily was secretly irritated with this assignment—or at least the manner in which it had been explained. She hoped Howard wasn't holding something back. She'd be less irritated if this assignment had an explanation.

She sat up quickly at the flicker of a shadow. She whacked Howard, pointing. She strained to see what it might be, eyes narrowed against the darkness. _I could be safe and warm on Remus' couch, but noooo. I have to be a busy body and take all the stupid assignments no one wants. Merlin._

"Come on." She breathed, darting from one shadow to another. The thing continued to move, though she couldn't figure out if it was even human. Howard skirted wide, expanding their perimeter. She nodded to herself, thinking they had good coverage of the place.

Without warning, a dozen cracks of apparation sounded around them. Lily froze, sucking in her breath. More apparation followed, and her heart plummeted as hooded and cloaked figures congregated in the wide lawn in front of the house. This was more, much more, than anything Dumbledore told them to expect. Her muscles started to tremble with the effort it took to stay in the middle of a rather precarious lunge. Inch by fearful inch, Lily eased her way behind a sturdy tree. The tree would obscure her from view…hopefully.

She sat behind it, hiding her breath in her knees and generally trying to be as small as possible. Where was Howard? Had he reacted quickly enough to apparate away in the midst of their arrival? Had he been able to send a patronus? He was farther away, but it would be very noticeable now. Lily couldn't see him. The pendant was fire against her skin. _This_ was mortal peril.

 _Stop panicking._ The voice that sounded like James snapped at her. Lily exhaled heavily, forcing herself to calm down. Howard was an experienced auror. He wouldn't do anything rash, and there were more ways than patronuses to send a message. He would get word to Dumbledore.

" _Master!_ " The group behind her chorused. Lily shuddered. His voice was silken and sweet addressing those who adored him. Was Severus in that crowd? She wondered. For the first time, Lily considered Bellatrix's message. _He won't protect you forever_. How exactly was he protecting her when he was allied with a man who wanted her dead?

"You who are new to us today—be welcome." Part of the crowd leered and snickered. "Welcome if you can truly walk among us. Those unmarked, step forward!" Feeling greatly daring, Lily craned around the tree, low enough that the end of her braid touched the ground. Seven figures stood in a line. Seven kneeled opposite…cowering?

"We cast death upon those unworthy. To be chosen, you must be strong enough to get rid of those unsuited to walk this earth." Bile rose in her throat. Lily gasped back tears, squeezing her eyes shut.

" _Avada Kedavra!_ " She saw the flash of green light through her eye lids. She wanted to scream. Lily bit down on her knuckles, rocking in place and fighting to not make a sound. Who were the victims? People the Order should have been protecting. Were they muggles? Muggle born witches and wizards? Lily was sick wondering if maybe they were people the Order had actively been guarding. Would she return from this Death Eater induction ceremony to learn that more of her bothers in arms had fallen? Would she even get out of this alive?

It went on. Each of the seven uttered piercing screams. Summoning bravery she didn't know she possessed, Lily leaned around the tree again. Voldemort touched the tip of his wand to the left forearm, drawing a painstaking shriek from the new Death Eater. She pulled back, shuddering.

 _It's good to know._ Her James-ish inner voice whispered. _Death Eaters are marked on their left arm. You know who they are._ Lily nodded her agreement, grasping onto that thought. This was good solid information. The relative reassurance did nothing to ease her trembling. She gripped the pendant tightly, almost burning her hand but wishing that James was with her.

 _Why did I run from you?_

The sharp crack of apparation filled the air. Her eyes flew open, staring into the dark. There was no one on this side of her tree. Lily held her breath again, straining her ears. The night was quiet. Eerie again. She exhaled slowly, mentally counting through twenty before she dared to move. She got to sixteen.

"What the _fuck?_ " Howard's voice seemed to echo in the dark. Lily jumped a foot, whirling.

"Now, Howard—"

"Don't you 'now, Howard' me you son of a bitch!" _And he calls you impulsive_ , she thought at James like he could really hear her. The crowd of Death Eaters was very much thinned out, but Lily counted ten remaining.

 _Those are only the ones you see._ Her mental James had a very good point. Lily scanned the road, frowning. Where could they run? A jolt ran through her limbs, and she jumped. A bright red curse struck the tree in front of her. Lily scrambled. There were plenty more. _They knew we were here._ She shot a stunner over her shoulder, hearing a satisfying thud.

Howard was dueling—dueling to retreat. She helped him with a few handy spells, following as he started to run for the trees on the other side of the long driveway. The air was thick with magic. Several skimmed her—one struck her solidly in the back. Lily's vision wavered, but there were so many dark-clad bodies around that aiming was hardly necessary.

They had a moment's reprieve after pitching headfirst into a ditch. Lily was decently sure she'd just sprained her left wrist. She gasped for breath as Howard grabbed her. She felt him strain, but it was no good. They couldn't apparate to safety.

"If we die, I'm going to kill you." She hissed, dragging him forward again. They ran through the patch of trees, into a wide-open field.

"I told him about the Order!" Howard shouted, dodging beneath a distinctly green curse. "He was my friend!"

"Great friend." Lily snorted. Then there wasn't time for words. They ran, trying to keep as straight a line as they could. Eventually, _eventually_ they must reach the edge of the apparation barrier. It couldn't be infinite.

"Why you running, Potter?" A sneering voice called from behind them. Howard abruptly stopped running. "Isn't Dumbledore strong enough?"

" _Howard!_ " He was deaf to her shout.

"You think Dumbledore is weak?" He roared. "I'll tell you Blakely—" In the moment he took to face his once-friend, they'd been surrounded. Lily wanted to scream, but there wasn't time. They all seemed to fire at once. She was flung off her feet, wand snapping in her hand. Another landed a foot in front of her. Howard's. She was closer to him than she thought she'd be—closer than she wanted to be. He was covered in blood. Savaged. Death Eaters bore down around them.

 _There's more than one way to travel!_ She grabbed Howard's wand, shouting the spell that would turn the broken halves of her wand into a portkey. A hand closed around her throat. Lily flung her wand as hard as she could, praying.

" _Crucio!_ " Her scream echoed through the dark night, as the body of Howard Potter vanished from beneath the reaching hand of a Death Eater.

" _Crucio!_ " How many shouted it? It felt like her body was being ripped apart. Lily screamed and kept screaming. They tore the clothes from her body; tore skin from her bones. She could not escape it; not even to the safety of oblivion.

 _Death._


	11. Delirium

_A scream tore through the air. Grief stole the air from the house. The sun dimmed and the world careened from its axis. A scream, full of disbelief and horror. A sound he would never forget. It felt like he ran through sludge, limbs moving too slowly yet much too fast._

 _Bodies came boiling from the mansion in response to his mother's cry. The small army of dedicated house elves they owned started to wail. He was frozen, unable to breathe. Unable to feel. There was so much blood. Why was there so much blood?_

 _His mother was frantically saying healing spells, trying to stem the flow of blood from his father's body. But you need a heartbeat to keep blood flowing, and the bleeding was stopping even without her spells. His eyes were glassy, unseeing. How had he managed to get back here from wherever the mission had taken him?_

 _Did this make him heartless? His mother was screaming. Sobbing hysterically. Every last house elf was in some states of hysterics. He stood there. Numb. His eyes were dry._ I am heartless _. He blinked several times. Where had his father's partner been? He started to feel anger before he remembered who'd been partnered with his father. Ice filled him. He lost track of reality._

 _A broken bit of wood stood out to him. A portkey? When would his father have had time to make himself a portkey? He lifted the piece of wood. It was two pieces really, connected by a shimmery material that looked like…hair. Unicorn hair. A strangled cry escaped him._

 _No._

* * *

 _"_ _Hello pretty girl." Hands. There were hands everywhere._

 _"_ _He won't protect you forever. He'll fall out of favor eventually." It was cooing and sweet. Dripping with poisonous honey._

 _"_ _Then you'll be mine. I don't think Potter will grudge me…do you?"_

* * *

 _"_ _Prongs?" It was soft, tentative. "James?" He couldn't look away from the wood in his hands. A broken wand. "I heard what happened. I'm so sorry."_

 _"_ _She's not dead." He knew it in his bones. He knew they exchanged glances over his head. Their disbelief was palpable._

 _"_ _It's very unlikely…" Delicate. They stepped around him like a volatile piece of glass. Like he'd shatter at the slightest touch. He was so damned tired of being glass._

 _"_ _Will you trust me?" He looked at them. The three—the only three—he'd ever felt were close as family. They gazed back solemnly. They would be with him until the bitter end._

* * *

 _The pain was constant. Ceaseless. It was a chant._

 _Crucio._

 _Crucio._

 _Crucio._

 _Endless._

* * *

 _"_ _Lily, we're going to get you out." James was there, looking serious and worried in equal parts. Sirius was behind him, keeping a wary eye on the damp dungeon._

 _"_ _Hurry up, Prongs." He hissed anxiously._

 _"_ _I'm trying!" They were making too much noise. Much too much noise. The bonds on her wrists gave. He was pulling her forward. "Everything's going to be okay." He assured her, turning to get confirmation from Sirius. He was sprawled on the ground, bleeding. His eyes were glassy with death. Bellatrix raised her wand, a cruel smile curled on her lips._

 _"_ _Avada Kedavra!"_

 _Lily screamed. Screamed and kept on screaming. James was before her, shock painted on his still features. Immobile. She was chained to the wall._

 _"_ _You get to stay alive, girlie. You're special to him, and he's special to the Dark Lord." Bellatrix pat her cheek like they were best buddies. Lily screamed and wept. Alone. Alone with the body of the man she loved._

 _She stared death in the face, aching for its warm embrace. But death laughed at her, arms crossed and unwelcome. She was cold and trapped._

 _Alone._


	12. Through Fire

Lily could no longer separate reality from fantasy. She must have imagined James coming to spirit her away at least a dozen times. Each one hurt a little more than the last, knowing that nothing changed. She was still down in a damp cell, kneeling in thick, rotten smelling mud with her arms chained over her head. Covered in blood and grime. Naked. And cold down to her very bones. She'd developed a hacking cough that usually tasted like blood. She wanted desperately to simply die.

She hung in her chains, grateful to have them because otherwise she'd be laying in that muck. Her breath came short and shallow. It hurt if she took a breath that was too deep. She couldn't even begin to guess how long she'd been down here. Her only measure of time was the people circling through the dungeon—or whatever this place was. Most often it was men strolling by or coming into her little cell. They ogled mostly. A few were daring enough to pet, but it was never as much as Lily feared. Bellatrix had said it was on the Dark Lord's orders—that someone in his inner circle had claimed her. There was just one little thing he had to do before he could have her. She seemed to like dropping tidbits like that between her curses. _To keep myself normal_ , Bellatrix claimed.

Lily shuddered all over, regretting it immediately. Her throat was too raw to whimper. She didn't produce a sound. The air in front of her seemed to solidify. Lily squeezed her eyes tightly shut, like she could ward off another hallucination by simply not looking. The chains on her wrists gave suddenly. She toppled forward into solid air—air that caught her and prevented her from falling face first into the mud. She felt her eyes widen. Two hands, attached to absolutely nothing, lifted her.

 _Merlin, please make it stop._

She tried concentrating hard. _I am chained to the wall. This isn't real._ Her body screamed a protest, but she tried to grope her way into some manner of standing position. Her hand caught on silken cloth. Half of James Potter appeared in front of her. She moaned under her breath. How many times would she see him die? Her vision clamped a very solid hand over her mouth, looking around warily. He took his hand back slowly, shedding his shirt quickly. She blinked at him. This was new.

Carefully, seeming to mind her multitude of injuries, he eased her into very real feeling cloth. Lily blinked at the vision owlishly. In any moment, Bellatrix would arrive. There would be a flash of green light and then nothing. He buttoned the shirt down her front. It hung on her, several sizes too large. The mirage didn't seem to care. He swept a cloak over their heads, keeping her tight to his body as he drew her from the cell. This was farther than her vision had ever taken her.

Slowly, as it seemed to take an hour to inch down the long hallway and up a narrow staircase, Lily began to wonder if this was real. She had no image of the rest of this place. It looked nothing like the inside of Hogwarts, and she'd never been in a spiral staircase outside of the school. Could she really fabricate the design of an entire house? Far off, a dog barked three times. Her legs gave out. With a quietly muttered oath, he sank to the ground with her. He covered her mouth with a cloth as she coughed. It shook her entire body, and made her ribs and chest burn with fresh, shooting pain. The cloth came away bloody.

From his pocket, the hallucination produced a rat. He looked hard at it before setting it on the ground. The dog barked four times. _Wormtail._ She looked at the very solid image beside her. _Padfoot._ He helped her to her feet, supporting her more. Her body trembled with exertion. Her vision was going dark on the fringes. She didn't want to sleep. Bellatrix seemed to know when she took a moment's rest, and enjoyed waking her in the most painful way she knew. The cruciatus curse was not the only designed to induce pain.

A year later, or so it seemed, they were outside. James parted the cloak to peer into the dark night. _A see through cloak?_ She'd forgotten about wearing it. A rat came streaking through the grass, scampering up James' leg and into his palm. It nodded twice. He put the rat on his shoulder, scooping her from the ground. Breath hissed out through her teeth. Oh, it _hurt!_ It was bitter agony until they reached a long line of very tall bushes. A great, black dog came loping up to them. Abruptly, it turned into Sirius Black.

"What have they done to you?" He breathed, looking over her worriedly.

"She's not with it at all." Her vision-James whispered. Oh, now was it. Now they would get caught and killed, and she'd be back in that tiny cell—

She was transferred to Sirius, and quite suddenly there was a stag standing beside her. Lily was mesmerized by it. She wanted to touch its velvety nose, but her arms wouldn't cooperate. She was lifted onto its back. Peter was there too, helping to get her arranged on the stag. Lily could do nothing more than lay over it limply. If it moved, she'd fall. The stag brayed a quiet protest, but Sirius took a length of rope and tied it around her wrists anyway. _The chains. This isn't real_. He secured her ankles and fastened a rope between the ties of her wrists and ankles. She hung over the stag like a hunter might wedge a deer over the back of his truck. Even in the midst of a hallucination, the irony did not escape her.

Sirius turned back into a dog, laying down long enough for the rat to get between his shoulder blades. Then they were running, stag and dog, side by side. The motion of the gallop was agony. But Lily clung to the pain with all her might. It was different than any curse that had been put on her before. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut.

This was no hallucination.

* * *

 _Moony. Wormtail. Padfoot. Prongs._

Someday; someday very far from now, Lily would hurt them terribly. Hurt them for the danger they put themselves in to rescue her. She still hallucinated, but her moments of lucidity were coming clearer and more frequently now. Three of the four Marauders were glued to her bedside in St. Mungo's. The fourth, or so she was told, was there when she was unconscious. But always there. They seemed adamant that she believe this.

It was Remus who never left her side, however. Lily wondered if it was because he hadn't actually gone on the rescue mission. He, who could not voluntarily transform into an animal and could not be controlled when he was one. He had stayed behind, waited a calculated amount of time before going to the Order's Headquarters to prepare them to receive her back.

Allegedly, Moody had threatened to kill Remus in the most painful way possible and had even started when the mission took longer than he'd promised. Allegedly, Moody had cried the hardest when he caught sight of her. Lily contributed that conversation to a hallucination. Moody was not a man of many emotions, and she couldn't have meant that much to him.

According to Remus, it had been two full weeks since the night of her rescue. Lily was still in St. Mungo's, and she knew the healers were worried about how she wasn't responding properly to their efforts. The only thing she could say was that they weren't just working against the cruciatus curse. It was something the Marauders hadn't counted on. Oh, they knew she'd be hurt—Sirius quietly confessed that he'd been prepared to find a body despite James' unshakable belief that she was still alive—but their imaginations had fallen quite short of reality.

After two weeks of being stuck in a hospital bed, Lily was ready to crawl out of her skin. Peter, wonderful gullible Peter, had brought her street clothes at her request; believing that she would wear them quietly in bed. Her ribs were still fractured, broken in a manner that wasn't responding to potions or spells. The sprain in her wrist had been fixed, but her right leg had been shattered somewhere along the line. Her leg was healing faster than her ribs, but walking was near agony.

Lily walked anyway, jaw clenched against the pain. She made it to the lift without running into any of her healers. She breathed out a slight sigh of relief, believing that freedom was within reach. Today was Howard's funeral, so the constant presence at her bedside was gone. It would be easier to keep Remus from dragging her back here once she was already planted on his couch. She limped for the main entrance, wondering if Remus' floo was activated.

"Running off so fast, are you?" His voice was there, so cool and dispassionate that it must be real. Her fantasies were always warm, untainted with the pain of their breakup. Lily stopped without turning, hands clenched. Cold or not, James' hand on her shoulder was gentle. "You should be in bed, Evans."

"You can't win a war from bed, Potter."

"Why are you so desperate to end it singlehandedly?" He led her forward with an arm around her shoulders. Towards the exit. "Mum said you'd do something stupid like this."

"Like what?" Her mind felt sluggish. She wasn't sure what to do with her hands. She didn't know what to make of his arm supporting her.

"Sneak out of St. Mungo's against medical advice." James told her dryly. They stopped in the center of an apparation point, facing each other. "I didn't risk my life so you could try to get yourself killed two weeks later." Lily opened her mouth to snap at him before thinking better of it.

 _So why did you risk your life?_ She wanted to sneer. She peeked up at him, heart aching.

"Thank you, James." She whispered, knowing very well that she'd still be in that little cell without him. The Marauders as a whole may have saved her, but it was because of this man. "I…" Her eyes overflowed. She couldn't look at him. James put his hands on her shoulders, and for a moment, she thought he understood; thought he would hold her through this agony.

Instead, he apparated them to the lawn of the Potter mansion. To where a large group of somber wizards gathered to mourn the death of Howard Potter. Lily didn't want to be here. Didn't want the reminder of how she'd failed. But she wouldn't shame his memory by running. She walked forward with James, trying not to limp. He steered her to where Sirius, Remus, and Peter stood. Surprise was written clearly on their faces. Unspoken words passed between James and Sirius. She was left beside Remus as they walked off together.

"He's not handling it well." Remus whispered, watching Peter trail after them. "It was okay when we were busy figuring out where they'd taken you and plotting to get you out, but…" Lily wrapped her arms around herself. "I thought he was going to explode earlier."

"Oh?" Her voice was a croak.

"Dumbledore approached him about the Order." Remus sighed. "Here. About two hours ago."

" _Here?_ " Lily gasped, appalled.

"Poor taste." He shook his head slightly. "After everything Mr. Potter—" He choked off, wiping away tears hastily. "Anyway, it was…yeah."

"Poor taste." She echoed. But of course, James would agree to it eventually. Tomorrow. A week from now. Did it matter? There was no escaping him now, and frankly, Lily didn't want to escape him. She almost asked Remus why James seemed to be avoiding her, but thought better of it. Now was not the time to bring up her issues with James.

She made her way through the modest gathering, heart aching. There was no coffin here. Lily wondered if it was already buried or if wizards had different traditions around death. She spoke to as many as she could tolerate, but it was a short list. She was near the fringes, wanting to leave but afraid of being rude, when Grace approached her. Lily couldn't have run if she wanted to. She swayed slightly, unable to get herself properly braced for the harsh words that would follow.

"Lily." There were tracks down her face from tears, though Grace wasn't crying at the moment. "Thank you." She started, feeling her eyes widen with surprise. With care, Grace put her arms around her. "Thank you for getting him home." Grace whispered, stroking her hair lightly.

"M-ma'am—"

"Don't do that." She drew back, gripping Lily's shoulders tightly. "Don't you go and blame yourself for this. I've seen others kill themselves over a partner's death. Don't do that to yourself."

"B-b-but…" It _was_ her fault. If she'd been closer to him, then Howard wouldn't have had the chance to act so rashly. If she were faster, she could've gotten them out from beneath the apparation barrier. If she were better trained, she could have saved him.

"Dumbledore told me what you said." Grace cupped a hand around her cheek, brushing away tears Lily didn't notice she'd been shedding. "There wasn't any more you could have done, Lily. That wasn't the situation he thought you were going into. We're lucky that one of you made it back alive." Lily shook her head, but she wasn't sure she could believe it. Dumbledore had listened to her recounting of the ceremony and subsequent attack with dispassionate attention. He hadn't said much to her afterwards. It had seemed then, that he thought there had been more she could have done. Or perhaps he'd have rather been mourning her death and have Howard back alive.

"I'm sorry, Grace." She managed.

"James finally told me how he knew you'd really been there." Grace told her, drawing a long, slim cloth from beneath her cloak. "Diagon Alley isn't safe now, but… I know he'd want you to have it." Grace pressed the cloth into her hands, turning away quickly as tears started falling down her face. Lily grasped the gift, feeling the smooth grain of the wand beneath the velvet wrap.

 _Howard's wand._

She gripped it tightly, swaying. She squeezed her eyes shut, breath coming shallow.

"Lily?" Someone touched her shoulder. "Merlin, you look like a ghost! Let's get you in bed—"

"Where did they get this?" She gripped Howard's wand, staring hard at Sirius.

"Grace gave that to you?"

" _Where did they get it?_ "

"He had it with him." Sirius said, perplexed. "When you sent him back, Lily."

"No." She disagreed sharply.

"No? Lily, you've been—"

" _I_ had his wand, Sirius!" She shouted, looking around wildly. The crowd was practically gone now. "Mine was broken. His…" She was back there, in that moment. Every inch of her trembled. "It was right there, and I had to… I had to…"

"Okay, Lily." Sirius said soothingly, trying to pull her towards the mansion. "Let's just get you—"

"If you say 'get me in bed' I will _hurt_ you!" Lily shouted, slapping his hands away. "Where did you find this wand?"

"It was with him." Moody was one of the few remaining. He strode over, magical eye pointing out the back of his head. "What are you saying, girl?"

"I'm saying that _I_ used his wand to make mine into a portkey. I had it in my hand when he vanished." She was breathing hard, and her lungs burned. Moody grabbed her by the back of the neck, pushing her forward much faster than she wanted to walk. Faster than she was really able. And then James was there, catching her before she could fall on her face. He followed as they apparated to Headquarters. Sometime during her captivity, the Prewett brothers' house had been officially named as Headquarters.

There was a nice crowd gathered in the main room. Moody snatched the wand from her hand, slamming it down in the middle of the table. No one moved. This was her first time facing them since she'd failed so utterly. Lily felt her face heat. This wasn't even a crowd of relative strangers—this was the backbone of the Order.

"Start from the beginning." Moody commanded. She swayed until James pushed her into a chair. She wished he'd stayed beside her, but James circled around to the other side of the room while she took a steadying breath. What was the beginning?

"It was supposed to be a simple stake out." She blurted, gaze jumping to Moody. He nodded once. She took a deep breath. "Howard and I had fanned out on the perimeter when they started arriving. I lost track of him.

"Voldemort was there. They were inducting new Death Eaters. To prove themselves, they each had to successfully kill someone—I don't know who the victims were. Then they were each marked on the left arm." It was important. She remembered thinking that in the moment. She met James' gaze for a brief moment before looking away. "They finished, and there was a lot of apparation. Voldemort was gone.

"I thought maybe they'd all left, but I waited just to be sure." She squeezed her eyes shut, breath coming shallow. Everything was a blur after that. "Howard… He must have recognized one of them, because he started yelling. Then they found me and we were trying to get away. It was like…an ambush. We couldn't apparate, and there were Death Eaters everywhere. We were…surrounded." She faltered, not wanting to remember that moment or what came after. "They… They got us both. My wand broke, but his… His was right in front of me. He was… There was so much…blood." Merlin, what was she trying to say? "I used his wand to turn mine into a portkey. I thought… I just wanted…" She didn't want him to be dead. The moment had been so rushed.

 _Crucio._

She shuddered all over, not even aware that she'd stopped talking until James was in front of her, taking her gently into his arms. She could talk to him. James deserved to know the whole truth; how she'd failed his father.

"His wand was in my hand when he vanished." Her voice was muffled by James' shirt, though she could feel the entire room craning towards her. Breathless. "I don't know what happened to it after that." She could not— _would_ not—say more. She huddled in the circle of James' arms, trying desperately not to remember the curses that followed, the feeling of hands grabbing at her.

The room buzzed with sudden excitement—cold excitement. People were shouting, gesturing to the wand in the middle of the table. There was a betrayer in their midst. It happened sooner than they anticipated. _Who?_ Who was the betrayer? Lily could not for the life of her remember if Howard had even said the name of the man, much less what the name was.

She felt so useless.

They kept the wand at Headquarters, giving her Fabian's old wand in the meantime. It handled poorly, and he warned her that it might do unexpected things. He'd replaced it for that reason. But it was the only other option. Lily was weak with exhaustion by the time the wand was handed to her. She felt like she could sleep for a week. James took her with him as he left, arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders. Her tongue seemed glued to the top of her mouth. She wanted to apologize again. Apologize better than she had before. Had she even apologized yet?

He side-along apparated her, and Lily half-assumed he'd march her back to St. Mungo's. It had only been a few hours since she'd left, and she ached from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. Instead, he carried her into a dark flat. Lily didn't quite remember when her legs had stopped working. She passed out as he was tucking a comforter around her.

 _In her dreams, she was a doe, frolicking through the forest. Behind her, playing along with her, was a stag with a magnificent set of antlers._


	13. Unsteady

James Potter was absolutely infuriating. There was no other way around it. Lily fumed in silence, watching Remus move around the kitchen preparing a meal for them both. She couldn't fathom what was going through Potter's head. Couldn't figure out what he thought of her. He'd risked his life to save her. Had supported her quite openly in front of half the Order; taken her home from that meeting and let her sleep in his own bed. And then he hadn't spoken to her since, except to call her a bitch—also in front of several Order members.

She crossed her arms, glowering at nothing in particular. It was completely understandable for him to be furious with her. She'd broken his heart, torn apart his family, and allowed his father to die all in the matter of six months. He had every reason in the world to hate her. Yet, sprinkled amidst the arguments were moments that were sweet enough to take her breath away. To keep her hoping that maybe, just maybe she had another shot left. Lily was beyond wondering if she wanted that shot or not. She'd have chopped off her own hand to win a date with him.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she was clinging to something that wasn't there. Reading too deep into gestures that were purely for politeness sake. Lily shifted slightly in her seat, easing the ache in her ribs. She wore a muggle brace around her upper half to keep her ribs in line. The healers had come to the conclusion that her bones would have to heal on their own. She drank potions that Grace owled over to help speed the process, but it still was going very slow.

Remus interrupted her musings, handing her a bowl of pasta. She thanked him, flashing a smile that held nothing of her churning thoughts. Lily was carefully avoiding asking his friends what his opinion of her was. She avoided all mention of James. Maybe that meant she was as bad as him.

Sirius came over eventually, drunk enough that it was a wonder he hadn't splinched himself. He slurred out something about James being a prat before passing out on her couch. Lily scowled at him, half hoping that James would come through the door as well. He didn't, though Remus didn't seem bothered by it. Perhaps he was simply preoccupied. He had watch duty tonight. She could use his bed, because that was easier than trying to haul Sirius to it. Lily smiled and waved him off.

She spent a long moment staring at Sirius, listening to him snore and thinking about James. She fetched her borrowed wand and slipped from the house. She went hunting James Potter.

It was easier than she thought. On a whim, she went back to Shaver's Corner, slipping through the crowd. It was daring, because little things often sent her to the dark place in her mind that remembered being trapped in that little cell. She couldn't tolerate being touched, and here she was pushing through a relatively crowded bar. She found James hunched over a drink, staring moodily at the top of the table.

"James?" She touched his shoulder lightly. He tensed beneath her hand, but didn't move.

"Why are you here?" His voice was harsh.

"I care about you." Lily answered. "I'm worried about you."

"You have a funny way of showing it, Evans."

"I don't want to fight with you, James." Maybe if he heard her say his name enough, he'd come around.

"Then why're you here?" Still he refused to look at her. "Shouldn't you be off with Sirius?"

"Off with…Sirius?" Her head tilted to the side in confusion. Lily frowned.

"Bloody hell, I hate you." She flinched like he'd slapped her, but his arm shot out, catching her waist. Then she was tight to him and his face was tilted to the hollow of her throat.

"James…" Merlin, and men called women confusing! Her fingers went to his hair automatically.

"Why did you say no?" He asked in a broken whisper, lips moving against her throat. It felt like she shattered.

"I didn't want to hurt you." She pressed her cheek to the top of his head, arms tight around him. "James, why did you have to ask?" Why must everything hurt these days? "Why did you have to move so fast?"

"I love you." His voice was choked. It weakened her. She felt like she was breaking. Her knees gave out so she was practically sitting in his lap.

"I love you." Her voice was weak. Pleading. "I wasn't ready. I just…"

"You said no."

"I wasn't ready." It was her only defense. Her only reason. She'd panicked and hurt them both. She wanted so desperately to make up in this moment. To plead with him until he took her back. She could convince him. He'd been hooked on her for too long for her to think otherwise. But fear of rejection was stifling. And she didn't deserve his love. "You should hate me." She said instead.

"Hate?" He drew back, looking at her for the first time since her arrival.

"I broke you." She whispered, remembering his expression as she'd boarded the Hogwart's Express for the last time. He hadn't seen her, but she'd seen it written all over him then. She'd destroyed him. "I hurt you. A-and I couldn't…save him." She could barely get the words out. "I couldn't save him." Her eyes swam with tears as he looked away. "I'm sorry, James. I'm so sorry."

His grip on her was bruising. He hid his face on her shoulder, though she could feel the moisture of his tears seeping through her shirt. For a moment, they were one; clinging to each other, giving and taking comfort equally. But the moment was short, and whatever drunkenness James had wasn't enough for him to forgive her.

"You…" He shook his head, forehead pressed to her shoulder.

"Sirius said—" He stood up so fast that Lily nearly went tumbling to the ground. It threw her weight on her injured leg, and she bit back a gasp of pain. James released her too fast. She did fall. Sharp pain lanced up her spine and through her chest.

"You're right." He spat, eyes shining with tears. "I do hate you." She stared at him, frozen. "I wasted way too much time on you already, Lily Evans. You…" He groped for words. "You s-suck the life out of _everything_. You… It's your bloody fault. All of it! I hate you." His chest heaved. " _I hate you!_ "

"James…" Her voice came out as little more than a whine. He might not have even heard her. He shoved through the crowd, earning several snarls. Lily stayed where she was, shocked and horrified. The pain that pulsed through her body from physical injury had nothing on the agony of having her heart trampled. _You deserved every bit of that._ Everything was agony.

"Hello, sweetheart. Here, let me—"

" _Don't touch me!_ " The man probably hadn't meant to hurt her. But fear snatched her, and Lily practically levitated as he reached for her. She flew from the bar, tumbling from the stair as her leg gave out. She lay in the street, momentarily stunned. Her vision wavered, and Lily had a vision of herself being found dead in the morning on some random corner in Knockturn Alley. It wasn't a terrible prospect.

"Sweetheart!" Bile rose in her throat, and Lily forced herself to apparate back to Remus'. She could barely walk. Every step was pure agony, but she welcomed the physical pain. _I hate you._ James' words bounced around in her head. Irrefutable.

She went to collapse on the couch, and landed sprawled over Sirius Black. She'd forgotten he passed out there.

"Merlin, Evans—" She screamed, terrified beyond all measure of reality.

 _Her hands were bound in chains. There was no room to shy away. He was there, suffocating and close. "Soon, pretty girl, he'll fall from favor and you'll be mine."_

"Lily! _Lily!_ " She was curled up in a ball, having tripped over the coffee table in her haste to run, sobbing hysterically. Sirius, still drunk, was shaking her. Trying desperately to get her to stop screaming. She slapped at his hands, not wanting to be touched. Petrified. Terrified. Right up to the moment when he got her from the floor and into his arms. "It's okay. It's okay. It's just me." He chanted, rocking her back and forth. Lily whimpered.

 _I hate you._

* * *

He had been drunk. She had been far past the point of reason. Lily didn't even remember Sirius picking her up to move them both to the couch. She'd woken in the most uncomfortable position she'd ever slept in, half on top of Sirius and half falling from the couch. Lily had every intention of making it back to Remus' bed, but her body hurt too much for that. She ended up on the floor right next to the couch and blacked out.

She was alone on the couch the next time she came around. Remus was on the armchair, pretending to read but mostly just watching her with his mouth pressed into a thin line. Lily didn't have the strength or energy to ask after his mood. He gave her a potion he had in waiting. It eased the ache in her limbs, and she gave him back the cup with a whispered thanks. He said nothing as she promptly turned to face the back of the couch and fell asleep.

 _I hate you._

Remus' attitude soured considerably and didn't improve no matter what she said. Lily wasn't sure what his problem was. She wondered if it had something to do with Sirius being reassigned as her partner. They couldn't go out on missions just yet—Grace hadn't cleared her for field work—but they trained together most days. At first, Lily had been a little wary. They'd gone several days without speaking after the incident with the couch. She'd wondered and worried that maybe it meant something to him. So the first time he'd come over to train, Lily went to face the issue head on.

"Look, Sirius," She started

"I'm not interested." He interrupted, stance as wary as she felt.

"Pardon?"

"You're a great girl and all, Evans, but I'm not interested. Whatever that was—"

"Oh thank Merlin!" She relaxed immediately.

"What?" Sirius paused, thrown off the beginnings of an obviously rehearsed speech.

"You're sweet and all, but there's no bloody way." She grinned, shaking her head. "I appreciate what you did for me, but please don't do it again. You're a friend—a good one, don't get me wrong! But nothing more than that."

"Oh." He blinked a few times. "Thank Merlin."

They laughed about it after, and Lily was very glad to know where she stood with at least one of the Marauders. She still had no explanation for Remus' attitude, and the little she'd seen and heard of James, he had a remarkably sour attitude towards everyone. Some of the Order members chalked it up to the loss of his father. He wasn't the first to get cranky after losing someone close. Others—the Order members who were not aurors—complained about him, saying he was little better than his father when it came to attitude. Howard had earned the right to his temper; James had yet to prove himself to the ones that complained. They had not seen him in action in the auror's department. Apparently, he'd earned his strips there. Lily quietly wondered if his attitude had anything to do with her. It seemed painfully egotistical to think that the basis of his attitude was their fight at Shaver's Corner. But she couldn't help but wonder after Sirius said that James never really talked about his father.

"Can you really blame him?" Remus demanded when she brought it up one night.

"I don't know." She scowled. "It's not exactly a mature response." After all, _she_ hadn't lost control of her temper following her parent's unepected death. True, she was having random panic attacks all the time, but at least she wasn't being an ass for no discernible reason.

"How exactly were you expecting him to react?" Remus snarled, slamming his cup rather loudly on the counter. Lily gaped at him, taken aback.

"Did I miss something?" She wondered, frowning in confusion. "I mean—"

"What? That you're hooking up with his best friend?"

" _What?_ " Her voice spiked an octave.

"Merlin, Evans, now that you and Sirius are having a go at it and flaunting it in front of him—"

"I am _not_ having a go at anything with anyone!" She shouted, flinging her hands up. "And for the love of Merlin, Remus! _Sirius Black?_ You honestly think I'd shag Sirius Black? _Please_ tell me you're joking!"

"I saw you sleeping together on my couch!" Remus yelled, gesturing wildly. Lily pressed her hands to her face, groaning. Of course that would come back to haunt her.

"I have panic attacks Remus." She spat. "He was just trying to help me. He was drunk. I had no idea I was even in this house! Bloody hell. He and I talked about it! It meant _nothing!_ "

"You still slept with him."

"I have never once had sex with him, Remus Lupin. Passing out on the same couch drunk does not equate to sleeping with a person!"

"But still." He persisted, face dark with anger. "Laughing and falling over each other at meetings?"

"Since when have I fallen over him?" Lily sputtered. "We're _friends_."

"Damn near—"

"For the love of Merlin, I am in love with _James_ , Remus!"

"Then tell him that!" He shouted.

"I have, and he hates me!"

"He doesn't—"

"He told me so, in so many words! He _hates_ me." Lily glowered at him. She was finally coming to terms with James' opinion of her, or so she kept telling herself. This was tearing those wounds open again.

"When did he tell you that?" Remus demanded crossly.

"That night." She said impatiently. "The same night I ended up on the couch with Sirius."

"Lily, he was roaring drunk."

"Drunk words are sober thoughts!"

"Not always."

"Yes, they are." Her eyes burned.

"He's just jealous. He thinks you and Sirius are—"

" _Jealous?_ "

"He thinks you and Sirius are dating!" Remus cried. "And frankly, so did I. You're much closer than you ever were at Hogwarts, and both of you have referenced to something happening at your parents' funeral but won't say what it was."

"Where is he?" Lily hissed.

"Who?"

" _James bloody Potter_."

"I don't know." Remus scoffed. "I'm not his babysitter, Lils."

"Fine." For the second time, Lily whirled around to go hunt down James. She tried the flat first, banging on the door until Sirius jerked it open.

"Merlin, give a man a minute."

"Where's Potter?" She demanded, glaring past Sirius.

"At the mansion." He answered. "Oi!" Sirius tried to grab her, but Lily dodged and whirled around, wand aimed.

"Bugger off, Black." He retreated, hands up. Lily set a storming path for the Potter mansion. Thankfully, he was already outside when she arrived. She saw him twist around at the sound of her apparation. A scowl crossed his face, and he banished the next gnome with excessive force. Lily marched across the lawn, too furious to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"It's Sunday di—" She slapped him across the face with every bit of strength she could muster, cutting off whatever he meant to say. James swore vividly, jerking back as his hand jumped up to his cheek. He had a nice red mark there.

" _How dare you?_ " She snarled, eyes flashing.

"What the fuck?"

" _How_ in the name of Merlin's shaggy beard could you _ever_ possibly think I would date Sirius Black?" Lily shouted at the top of her lungs, transplanted back to fifth year when all she ever did was shout at James Potter. "You have to be the most inconsiderate jackass I have _ever_ had the misfortune of meeting!" She tried to smack him again, following his retreat. "I will grant that your opinion of me may be that low, but _Sirius?_ Merlin, you stupid ass, he would never do something like that to you! What part of I love _you_ , is so hard for you to understand? You, _James bloody Potter!_ You really think I'd say that if I was trying to date Sirius? What kind of whore do you think I am? Yes, alright, I refused to marry you, and frankly if you think so little of me, then maybe that was for the best! But don't you dare think I don't have regrets, James Potter."

She tried to smack him one more time, eyes narrowed and breathing hard like she'd run a marathon. He was shocked. Flabbergasted by her outburst. Lily turned on her heel, stalking away. She didn't want to hear his response. She was too angry to hear whatever signs he thought he saw of romance between her and Sirius.

She apparated back to Remus' shack, finding both him and Sirius sitting in the living room. They eyed her warily as she stomped in and slammed the door behind herself. They were wise enough to say nothing as she grabbed things and stuffed them into a bag. James was two steps through the door as she was turning to leave.

"Lily, wait—"

"Bugger off." She brushed past him. "Go fuck yourself, Potter!" She yelled over her shoulder.

" _Lily!_ "

"What did I miss?" She heard Sirius ask. Lily ground her teeth together, apparating to Headquarters. Alice should be here by Lily's estimation. Or she would be arriving soon to report on the happenings in the auror office. Her luck was in. Alice was backing from the meeting room, laughing at something.

"Alice."

"Hey, Lily!" Her smile was bright and cheerful, a stark contrast to Lily's sour mood. She found it irritating.

"Do you still have a spare bed?"

"Of course." Worry flashed across her face. "Is something wrong?"

"I'll tell you later." Fabian Prewett had left the room and was pretending to be interested in a vase in the hallway in order to eavesdrop. Alice made a face at him, steering Lily toward the fireplace.

"I swear that boy's worse than some grandmothers I know!" She muttered under her breath. "I'm sure Frank won't mind if you stay over, though."

"Just for tonight." Lily assured her. Tomorrow, she _would_ find a permanent replacement to Remus' shack. They went by floo, and Lily was impressed by the room she stepped into. From the look of things, Frank had spared no expense on the house to please his wife.

"I'm home!" Alice called.

"In the kitchen, babe."

"You best be decent! I brought company."

"I'm always decent." Frank winked broadly, leaning down to kiss his wife. Lily jerked her gaze away, forcing a smile on her face. Jealousy hit her in a hot swoop. "Lily, how are you?"

"Oh, you know." She shrugged. "Been better."

"Have the healers figured out—"

"No." The brace itched fiercely. "But Grace says I'll be back in action soon enough."

"Not soon enough for you, I'm sure." He grinned. Lily made herself laugh, but it felt forced. Not her usual laugh.

"Have a seat." Alice gestured to the kitchen table, going over there herself.

"Dinner will be ready shortly." Frank added.

"Oh, that's okay. I'm not hungry."

"Sit, bitch." Alice snapped. "And you will eat, or Grace'll have my hide the next time I see her." Lily heaved a sigh, settling on the chair with only a slight wince. "So what happened?"

"Had a fight with the Marauders."

"Sounds familiar." She smirked. "Why this time?"

"I made a comment about Potter's attitude recently and Remus went off on me." Lily shrugged jerkily. "Said it was only fair considering Black and I are giving it a go."

"You're dating Sirius?" Her eyebrows jumped up.

" _No!_ Merlin, I would never." Lily pressed her hands to her face, trying to rein in her temper again. "But that's what Remus said, and eventually I just got pissed so I went to yell at Potter."

"I'm confused." Alice said. "Why are you yelling at James?"

"Because he thought I was dating Black."

"I mean, you've been friendly, but I thought that had to do with the fact that you've been partnered and you're friends." She shook her head, frowning.

"I asked Remus about it once." Frank added from the stove. "He said he believed it because he caught them asleep together on the couch."

"Was that after James said he hated you?"

"He said that?"

"Yes and yes." Lily sighed, crossing her arms. "I just don't want to be around any of them right now."

"Well you're welcome here as long as you like." Frank offered, smiling kindly.

"Thank you." She couldn't admit how painful it was to be around them. Love filled the air, and theirs was a relationship full of peaceful ease. They had no history of angry words and hatred. Alice never went through a period of pretending to date the giant squid just to avoid Frank. It had been friendship from the start. Love had followed naturally.

Lily turned the conversation on them, asking after people she knew were mutual friends. Marlene was doing well, though she was mad that Lily took forever to respond to owls. Alice said that she was currently dating a muggle banker, and Marlene never shut up about him.

Eventually, the conversation turned to Frank and Alice's relationship as he was waving them out of the kitchen. He would clean up while they talked, he said. They shared another too-sweet kiss, and Lily felt like her heart was being wrenched around in her chest. Alice showed her around the house, chatting about all the things she and Frank had fixed up and plans for future updates.

"And this'll be the nursery." The small room was already well stocked. Lily stared at the crib in mute shock. "We're trying to get pregnant." Alice smiled, encouraging her to share her excitement. Lily smiled as best she could, but couldn't find a word to say that wouldn't be hurtful. _In the middle of a war?_ She wanted to ask. _When you're both constantly out on missions?_ It was madness, surely. Were they so blinded by love that they couldn't see the danger?

Lily laid down to sleep in their spare bedroom. She spent hours staring at the dark ceiling, wondering where she'd be if James had waited only a few months before proposing. _I'd be married. Happy._ Tears leaked from her eyes over what could have been. Now? Now they had only angry words between them. Angry words and misunderstandings.

 _I have to let him go._ Lily told herself again and again. _It's not fair to either of us. I'll tell Moody it's not working out with Sirius. I'll find another partner and leave the Marauders to their lives._ It was the better thing to do. But it left a lump in her throat and made sleep impossible.


	14. Reckless Desire

_Lily,_

 _I'm sorry. You're right, and I've been an utter prat. Why are you avoiding me at meetings? I want to talk to you._

 _\- James_

His letter burned a hole in her pocket, and she had a dozen more just like it. He was right. She was pointedly avoiding him, and she had Alice and Frank helping her. As much as it hurt sometimes, Lily had stayed in their guest bedroom rather than return to Remus' couch. She was actively avoiding all four Marauders. She'd asked Moody for a different partner, but he'd told her that the only one at loose ends was James. So she was stuck with Sirius. But they hadn't met to practice in the last week. Their correspondence was brief and stilted. It had shaken Sirius even more than her to hear that all of his friends thought he was making a move on her. Whatever ease had built into their friendship was gone.

Since she was grounded from active duty still, Lily spent her time organizing paperwork and reading the book of protective charms Howard had given her. It seemed like a year ago, but it had only been a little over a month. So much had changed so quickly.

She shook her head slightly, trying to focus again on the ancient text.

 _To be a Secret Keeper, one must be of astounding fortitude. The Charm protects only those it is cast to keep secret. The Secret Keeper must protect himself against all odds. The secret cannot be wrought by spell or potion. The Keeper must speaketh of his own will, though there is no protection against coercion. Torture can be used to bring forth secrets. The soul must holdeth the secret sound. The dwelling becomes his alone to know. One beyond the secret cannot see it, feel it, or taste it. He may stand exactly where the secret rests and not know it. To Cast the Fidelius charm is a dangerous feat. Death awaits the unwary._

She must have read that passage at least a dozen times. The book went into exhaustive detail on how the charm was cast, the incantation and intricacy of the wand work. It did _not_ talk about why the casting was so dangerous. There was no explanation for the words 'death awaits the unwary'. Lily groaned under her breath, wishing she had another book to cross-reference. But she didn't. There was only a page of the book left beyond that paragraph, and it held a smattering of sentences that were just as unhelpful.

 _When the end is inevitable, there is one hope remaining. Sacrifice is the greatest gift. The act of sacrifice be most powerful magic known to mankind. It creates a force irreplicable by any other means. When all else fails, sacrifice thy life for thy blood._

Lily didn't even want to think about that paragraph.

 _The secret cannot be wrought by spell or potion, yet there is no protection against coercion._ She frowned, trying to consider that statement from all angles. Perhaps torture was the clue. Anyone could be broken, right? So presumably, the Secret Keeper could be broken and tell relatively against his will. But potions like veritaserum wouldn't work to uncover the secret and the Imperius curse couldn't be used to force the revelation. She chewed on her lip. _Or_ it was saying that normal spells wouldn't work, but unforgivable ones like the Imperius curse would.

A knock interrupted her musings. Lily went to open the door, half expecting to see Marlene. Alice had warned that she might be dropping by. She froze in surprise, because James Potter stood on the doorstep, hands stuffed in his pockets.

"I wanted you to know that I'm sorry." He said, eyes locked on her. "I am a complete prat, and I obviously wasn't thinking. I trust you both, and I'm sorry."

"Do you want to come in?" Lily offered weakly, gripping the doorknob with white knuckles.

"No, no." He waved her off, gaze darting off to the side. "I'm in something of a hurry." She tried not to frown.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes, of course." His gaze latched on her again, staring like she would vanish in an instant. "I just wanted you to know that I've accepted that there's never going to be anything between us again. I wanted to say good-bye." Lily felt her eyebrows rise. She was too distracted by his mannerism to register the words. She stayed very still when he stepped close to her, cupping a hand around her cheek. "Good-bye." It was soft and sweet—absolutely nothing like what the word actually meant. She thought he might kiss her, but James turned and hurried off.

Feeling thoroughly confused, Lily shut the door and spent several minutes staring at it. The whoosh of floo travel came from the living room.

"We're back!" Alice announced.

"How was the meeting?" Lily asked, tearing herself from the entryway to find her friend.

"Not all that fantastic." She shrugged. "It's always boring when Sirius isn't there."

"I thought…" Frank pressed a finger to his lips behind his wife's back. Lily bit her question off.

"He's your partner, Lils." Alice chided gently. "You should know what he's doing."

"It's still weird." She grumbled petulantly, thinking about the look on James' face just now. Alice rolled her eyes pointedly before skipping off to the kitchen to get lunch ready. Frank gestured for Lily to follow with a wary glances towards the doorway. "What?" Lily asked softly, joining Frank in the little nook beneath their stairs.

"They think they have a lead on who set up the ambush on you and Howard." She rocked back, feeling her heart drop. "They've talked when you're not around. It was planned, Lily."

"They know for sure?"

"Yes." His expression was solemn and serious. "They didn't have any of you at the meeting. Grace insisted all information be kept from those closest to James. She's afraid he'll go running off one some stupid revenge mission, especially knowing that he went after you." Frank paused. "But I thought you deserved to know."

"Thanks." She paused, chewing on her lower lip. James would do something stupid if he knew his father's death had been a planned murder. She was not quite so rash. "Do they know who was behind it?"

"Only guesses. Nothing certain. We've got wind of a meeting that's happening tonight at the Nott Manor, but Moody's jumpy. He thinks there's too much detail in the information we have."

"Another ambush." Lily frowned.

"Aye." He made a face. "We're going to wait for another opportunity."

"Well that's oddly dissatisfying." She sighed, playing with the tips of her hair. "But you're obviously right. There's no point in sending people into an ambush."

"You won't do anything stupid, right?" Frank asked anxiously.

"Of course not!" Lily scowled. "I'm not James Potter."

"But you are head-strong and hot tempered." He teased, shooting her a broad wink. Lily hit his shoulder and abandoned him, seeking saner company in his wife. She tried her best to not think of James and his oddities, shrugging off her distraction as being preoccupation with the Fidelius Charm. She convinced Alice and Frank to look at it, saying sweetly that three heads would be better than one. Safety was too much a priority for either of them to refuse; especially since Howard hadn't made it out to be some great secret. She watched them for a while, grinning at their interaction. For once, it didn't sting to see them working together in perfect unison.

Maybe it was because she couldn't stop thinking of James. _I've accepted that there's never going to be anything between us again._ The words had been strange. Almost rehearsed. The look on his face had disagreed completely. He'd drank her in like a man starved. Like he'd never see her again. _Good-bye._

"Holy shit!" Lily bolted to her feet, alarmed.

"What?" She flew past them, running out the front. "Lily, wait!"

"What's wrong?"

"That idiot's going to get himself killed!" She apparated mid-step, stumbling only a little on the far side. She raced up the stairs, pounding desperately on the door to his flat. _Good-bye_. He'd told her. James had an invisibility cloak and the natural tendency to eavesdrop. He would know all about what was discussed at that meeting. Frank was right. He'd run off on some stupid revenge mission.

No one answered her knock. Lily blasted the door open, running through the flat. There was no one home, and no sign that James had been there recently. Cursing under her breath, Lily ran back down the stairs. Apparation barriers were a pain. She arrived at Remus' to find him playing fetch with a large, black dog.

"Remus!" Her ribs ached. She stumbled the last few steps to reach him. The dog came over, tongue lolling out as he panted. "Remus, have you seen James?"

"Why?" He asked suspiciously.

"He went to that meeting today. Frank told me…" Merlin she couldn't breathe. Lily tried to drag in enough air to speak. "He told me they have leads on who killed Howard—"

"Lily, James is with Peter." Remus interrupted impatiently. "He's been with Pete all day."

"Remus, I'm serious." The dog barked at her, tail wagging. Lily repressed a strong urge to kick him. She'd wasted all day listening to Alice and Frank try to decipher the Fidelius Charm. The sun was fading in the sky. "He's going to do something rash."

"He's not stupid, Lily. Besides the invisibility cloak is still here. He wouldn't do anything without it." He shook his head, and the dog nodded his agreement. Her hands clenched involuntarily.

"Where are they?" She demanded. If Potter thought Pettigrew was enough back up for a mission like this…

"Spending the day with Grace."

"Perfect." Grace would keep James from doing anything rash. Lily jerked around, stalking back out from under the apparation barrier. Her leg was starting to ache. She went straight to the Potter mansion. With direction from Missy, she found Grace and Peter in the sitting room sharing a cup of tea. Lily felt her heart drop.

"Lily! What a surprise." Grace rose with a smile.

"Hi." She said weakly. "Is James around by chance?"

"He went up to that nook of his. Brooding." She answered. "Are you sure…" Lily was already off running through the house. She wasn't sure of anything right now. The nook was empty of everything except Howard's wand. She'd heard that Moody had given it to James. She cursed under her breath, snatching it. Hurriedly, Lily strapped it to the inside of her thigh. _Just in case._ She trotted back down the stairs, thinking quickly. He might hate her, but he had essentially shut the door on their future. She could betray him by going to the Order. It was the smart thing to do.

She left swiftly, knowing that Grace watched her through the window. Lily had no doubt she'd be going up to check on her son in the nook. What would she think when he wasn't there? Lily apparated to Headquarters.

For once, the house was empty. Lily cursed her luck, digging through papers for any sign of where someone might be. She found a map—three of them—giving very detailed views of the Nott Manor. _Oh sweet Merlin._ She stared at them, heart taking off double time. James was not the only one capable of rash action. She stuffed the maps in her pocket, scribbling a note on a spare bit of parchment. She wanted to be followed. Lily ran out of the house, pausing on the far side of the shields. She took a deep breath before apparating one last time.

The Nott Manor was built overlooking the sea, sprawling over several acres of beautiful countryside. The view was majestic. It made the Potter's mansion look like a shack. Lily swallowed hard, taking stock of her surroundings. The Manor was surrounded by woods on one side. She snuck that way, slipping as soundlessly as she could through the trees. She kept her senses on alert, looking for James and keeping a wary eye for Death Eaters. She wished she knew more about what this Death Eater meeting was supposed to be about.

She felt him behind her before she saw him. Lily dodged sideways, attempting to fire a curse with Fabian's wand. It sprouted flowers instead. James rocked back on his heels, mouth half open as they both stared at the flowers dangling from the end of the wand.

"I hate this thing." Lily hissed through her teeth, jerking the flowers free and casting them aside. James grabbed her and pushed her to the cover of brush.

"What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you." Damn him for being here. James scowled at her.

"This doesn't concern you." He growled, peering over the bushes. Lily rolled her eyes at him.

"You are a vital member of the Order, Potter. Of course—"

"That why you're here then?" He sneered, darting off to a different clump of bushes. Snarling curses in her head, Lily followed him.

"Of course not."

"Are you even cleared for field work?"

"No." James paused in the middle of rising to continue bush hopping. He sank back on his heels, turning to look at her.

"Then why are you here?"

"I came looking for you." She repeated.

"But…"

" _Protego!_ " She shouted, neatly deflecting a red curse, as James flinched. A trio of masked Death Eaters approached them. James grabbed her arm, dragging her after him. They ran right into another three Death Eaters. _Surrounded_. Panic rose in her.

"Look what we caught, boys." The feminine laugh was full of delight, but it was not the laugh of Bellatrix Lestrange. Lily shivered anyway, shooting a curse at her with a savage slash of her wand. It was deflected, but her offensive started a volley of curses and counter-curses. She kept her back to James, ignoring the way every dodge pulled on her half-healed ribs. Every step sent pain lancing up her injured leg. Lily missed her own wand desperately.

They actually held their own, and Lily had a breath of hope. Then the bones in her shin shattered, and she went down with a scream. Someone was close enough to kick Fabian's old wand from her hand. They followed through by stomping down hard on her wrist. She cried out. Something hit her side, and the world went abruptly dark.

* * *

It was pitch black. Lily blinked, feeling her eyelashes move against her skin. Her eyes were open, but it didn't change the darkness before her. She lay very still, listening to her heartbeat in her ears. Fear had her in its grasp. _Am I blind?_

"Lily?" A soft voice called. She inhaled sharply, ignoring the pain in her ribs.

"James?"

"Lily!" Relief flooded her name. "Where are you?"

"I don't know." Their whispers sounded very loud in the darkness.

"It's pitch in here." Something bumped into her arm. Lily screamed, flailing. "Ow! Bloody hell." She choked back her scream as he fumbled over her. His hands mapped out her shoulders and down each arm.

"What happened?" She asked, slowly becoming aware of more of her body. She was sprawled inelegantly across the ground and in a position that was distinctly uncomfortable.

"They re-broke your leg with a curse." James told her softly, now feeling down her torso. "Someone hit me over the head when I got distracted. Bloody rookie mistake." His questing hands stopped at her waist. Her right leg was on fire, and she blinked past tears.

"A-am I going to lose my leg?" James hesitated for a long minute.

"I don't know." He admitted, sounding pained. "If I had a wand… Damn it." He wasn't touching her anymore. Lily groped for him, panic abating when her hand found his leg. She took a shaky breath. "I didn't say anything to anyone."

"I did." His hand covered hers. "I was with Alice and Frank when I realized what that stupid good-bye was about. Frank told me about the meeting. Said that this would be an ambush." She let the mild accusation hang in the air for a moment. "I mean, all I said was 'he's going to get himself killed'. But I went to Remus' to see if you'd roped them in again. They seemed sure you weren't doing anything stupid. So I stopped by the mansion, because that's where they said you were. Your mum pointed me to the nook, and when you weren't there, I went to Headquarters. Found a bunch of maps and left a note."

"A note?" He deadpanned.

"No one was there."

"Why didn't you send a patronus to someone? Or an owl?"

"I didn't even think about it." Lily admitted, feeling foolish. She'd been so hell bent on finding him.

"This is my fault." James whispered hoarsely.

"No shit." She rolled her eyes in the darkness. "'Course me passing out didn't help much."

"You shouldn't have come."

"Bugger it all, James." She wanted to shift, to use his leg as a pillow. She just wanted to pass out. To vanish into a different kind of darkness. Something sharp dug into her thigh, but Lily was loath to shift with her leg nearly beyond repair. "James!" Her voice spiked too loud. Her eyes flew open despite the darkness.

"Lily?"

"Your father's wand!"

"I left it in the nook."

"I know." She gasped, grabbing his hand tightly. "I took it. Strapped it to my thigh." He shifted abruptly, hands on her waist once more, skimming down her legs. "Just in case." She said faintly. The darkness hid her blush as he felt over her. But he found the wand beneath her jeans.

"Merlin." He breathed, shifting again. Lily sat up as much as she could, too many places aching to keep track of. Maybe it would have been better to put it on her left leg. The lower half of her right was basically pieces. Fumbling only a little, James undid the top of her pants. Lily bit her lip hard to throttle a protest. There wasn't another way for him to reach it. She lifted her hips as much as she could to help him, hissing out in pain. But the pressure of the wand went away.

"Lumos." James whispered. Light from the wand flooded the room. They both looked around, and Lily felt her heart take a dive. They were surrounded by rock with no discernible door. It made her old cell look like a five star hotel. There was hardly room for both of them. He turned the wand to her leg. It was a bloody mess. Lily squeezed her eyes shut, feeling her stomach swoop. "Nox." They plunged back into darkness. James whispered a spell to cut her pant leg at the knee. He worked slowly, careful of hurting her further; cutting the lower half of her pants away, picking clean the wound, healing as much as he could and bandaging the rest.

Lily's awareness faded as he worked. She came in and out, aware that James labored over her leg for a long time.

"Lily." Whimpers filled the air. "Lily." His voice was soft and sweet. She realized the whimpers were coming from her. She moaned under her breath, feeling him shift around her. He sat behind her, her back braced against his front, his legs on either side of her. He leaned against the wall, helping ease the pressure on her ribs. Lily snuggled against him, taking comfort from his presence. Her awareness faded again. But she was comfortable this time. Protected.

* * *

It was pitch when she woke again. Lily tried to panic, but her hands were caught in something. Her breath was shallow and rapid before she remembered she wasn't alone this time. She forced herself to calm down, muscles loosening to allow her to relax into James' arms. _I'm not alone._

"Lily?" He murmured a while later.

"Hm?"

"How are you doing?"

"Oh, I dunno James. Getting stuck in dark cramped spaces is my ideal vacation, so this is just great." He snorted and then started to laugh, body trembling beneath hers. Lily smiled weakly. "No sharp pains." She added.

"Merlin, Evans." He kissed her temple. Her eyes fluttered, and she gripped his hands tightly.

"'S your fault." She told him. "You can make a joke out of anything. Taught me how. Now I can't help it."

"Is that a compliment? Doesn't really feel like one, you know."

"Depends." She jibbed. It was easier to talk to him in the darkness. She closed her eyes, trying to memorize the feeling of being wrapped in his arms.

"Lily." She felt his sigh. "In all seriousness, why did you come?"

"I care about you."

"Enough to run headlong into an ambush? Forgive me for not believing that."

"James, I never wanted to break up with you." Lily snapped, tensing because there was nowhere to run.

"You said no!"

"I know I did." She groaned. "I wasn't ready—"

"You've said that before." He growled, voice low. "It's an evasive answer, Evans."

"There was too much going on." She couldn't even shift in discomfort. Her body ached, muscles tight and cramped. "I know we talked about moving in and stuff, but marriage never really crossed my mind. I mean, we hadn't even been dating a year!"

"Nine months."

"Not quite." She disagreed. "It was fast, James, and I panicked. And I…bloody hell, I never told you what happened at Christmas."

"What?" She sensed his frown.

"When I went home." Lily felt her stomach tighten. "James, my family was attacked." The words hung in the air, making it thick and uncomfortable. "We were out caroling when wizards in masks and cloaks attacked us. That's when I met Moody. I met with him a few times in the spring—those secret tunnels of yours are useful. And I was going to meet with him the day after we arrived in London. It was the very first meeting that Dumbledore called. The first Order meeting, though we didn't have a name right from the start."

"You…" His voice was weak.

"I skipped all the bullshit because Moody thought I had the instinct to learn on the fly. Your father ended up doing most of the training, though."

"Bloody hell." His arms tightened around her, putting unbearable pressure on her ribs. Her jaw clenched, but she didn't say anything. She didn't want him to mistake her and think that she didn't want to be held. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know." She admitted softly. "I know that's not the answer you want, but honestly, I have no idea. It just never seemed like the right time, and then it was too long past. I knew you'd ask why I didn't tell you, and I had no reason."

"Lily…" He growled, layering frustration over her name.

"I'm sorry, James." She could feel his jaw moving like he was trying to speak—or maybe he was just silently saying rude things about her. Lily squeezed her eyes shut like it would make a difference.

"You said no."

"I panicked." Lily said flatly. "I didn't know how to react so I bolted." She hesitated. "And I've missed you every day since." Terror had her in its grasp. If he rejected her, then there would be no place to hide. James said nothing. "But I get it. You hate me, and I've done everything in the world to deserve that—"

"I don't hate you." He interrupted softly. "Merlin, Lils I don't hate you."

"But you said—"

"I was the prat that thought you and Sirius were…" He shook his head. "I hate you only because I love you so much I can't stand myself." He was trembling beneath her. It was hard to breathe.

"I would never, _never_ do that to you." Her voice was choked. "Even if I wasn't…" _Merlin, give me strength_. "Even if I wasn't in love with you, I would never try to date your friends."

"You're in love with me?" His voice was hoarse, disbelieving yet desperate.

"I never stopped loving you." She whispered. "I ran because I was scared. I'm not good at emotions, James. Loving you… It's terrifying because for the first time I don't want to hold back. If you'd just waited a few months…" She shivered in his arms. "We're in the middle of a war."

"If there's no place for love now, when will there ever be one?" His voice was low, persuasive. It drew her in like magic. She was falling into him; falling under the spell he was weaving around her. _Vulnerable._

"I'm scared." She whispered.

"Think you're the only one?" His lips brushed across her ear. "I'm petrified, Lily. But I won't throw my life away for one sick bastard. If you give up on love, then he's already won."

"James, I can't…" It hurt so much to have him so close, yet so far away.

"Let me help you." He nuzzled her gently. "Trust me."

"I already do." How could he think she didn't?

"Come back to me." He breathed.

"How can you possibly love me after everything I've done to you?"

"I don't know." There was a smile in his voice. She knew even without being able to see that he was grinning. "I haven't tried to over analyze my feelings like you're about to. I don't try to explain it. I know what I feel, Lily."

"You're way to forgiving."

"Maybe." There was vulnerability in his answer. He was throwing himself out there as much as she had, meeting her halfway.

"Can we try again?" She whispered, a heartbroken plea.

"Yes." He answered simply, pressing his lips to the back of her neck. A tremor ran through her. It was fast, so dizzyingly fast that it seemed impossible. He'd said good-bye just this morning—or rather the morning before they'd gotten locked up down here. "There's just one slight problem."

"Oh?"

"I have to pee." Lily burst out laughing, hardly caring that they were stuck together in a dirty, cramped cell that was about to get a little more gross.

* * *

She was dozing—there was hardly anything else worth doing—listening to James' heartbeat. Peace seemed to have invaded her mind. She was relaxed and entirely content. An odd thing to feel when captive. But then, it was hard to feel captive when your captors never showed up. James had no patience for hypothesizing over why no one had come to bother them. Lily knew from experience that many were fond of torture. He only grunted at her when she tried to talk about it, so she'd given up talking.

"Do you hear that?" James murmured.

"Hear what?"

"Water." He sat up just a little bit, dislodging her from a position that had been comfortable. Lily groaned under her breath.

"I haven't."

"I think we're underground."

"No? Really. Is that why it's so dark?" Lily shook off sleep, straining her ears.

"I'm not joking." He growled, shifting from beneath her. She hissed in pain, though she forced herself to sit upright. James felt around on the walls, shuffling in the darkness. He kept on hand on her just to keep from stepping on her. "I think there's a door here, Lils."

"It was solid before." She frowned.

"I know, I know." He grunted. "I have eyes too." Abruptly the sound of falling stones filled the air, and James swore vividly, half falling over her. The faintest bit of light entered the tiny cell. They stayed very still for a long moment, hardly daring to breath. Now, the faint sound of waves reached her ears.

"James?" Her voice was hardly audible in her own ears.

"Don't move." He breathed, pulling himself up. Lily choked down a cry of protest as he vanished beyond the opening. She was alone in the darkness, eyes wide. Panic started to seep through her veins, though he couldn't have been gone for more than a minute. "Lils." He knelt beside her. She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, heart racing. "We're underground. In some sort of cave. There's a hallway that leads right out to water."

"Is there a boat?"

"Can you walk?" He ignored her question, though her body went cold.

"No." She shivered. "James, you have to—"

"Shut up." Again, his hands skimmed over her body. "I don't want to hear your self-sacrificing bullshit." He pressed the wand into her hand. "If something moves, stun it." He scooped her from the ground. Lily buried her face in his shoulder to muffle her shriek of pain.

They were as good as sitting ducks. James had his hands full carrying her, and Lily was blind from pain. She tried to stifle whimpers, knowing that it wouldn't help anything. He sat her down on a rock, helping to make sure she wouldn't topple over. He hadn't mentioned the steep incline between them and the water. Lily shuddered all over. James took the wand from her limp hand, mouth set in a grim line.

"My mother will never forgive me for this." He muttered. "There's a spell that will numb the pain. Your body will produce it, but you won't be aware."

"Please." Tears poured from her eyes, a reflexive response to the pain.

"You have to know." His voice was low and urgent. "It's very bad practice. It's not fixing the problem, just masking it. You could damage it beyond repair…"

"Do it." Lily hissed. "And if you have a convenient spell to make a brace…" She gestured to her mangled leg. With a muttered oath, James did both, watching her anxiously. In the dim light, his concern seemed extra bright. The pain wasn't gone entirely. There was a dull reminder, but Lily was glad for it. At least she wouldn't forget to be careful.

But there was something that absolutely needing doing before anything else. She reached for him, burying her fingers in his hair to tilt his head back. She kissed him, praying that everything he'd said hadn't been a product of captive desperation. He responded, turning what she'd meant to be a soft kiss into something desperate. Did he think she'd been caught up in the moment? That she'd allowed the darkness and the possibility of death to inspire more affection than she felt? Lily wouldn't blame him for sharing the worry. But she knew in her bones that she hadn't been caught up in the moment. She'd wanted to retry their relationship ever since it ended; ever since she'd admitted to herself that she wanted to marry him when they were together in the nook of the Potter mansion.

"James." She mumbled.

"Mm?"

"We should probably go." She whispered against his lips. He started, pulling back with surprise on his face. Lily grinned, tracing his jaw enjoying the stubble that had grown. He grinned sheepishly, keeping the wand this time. The cast on her leg was thick and sturdy. Lily had no doubts that it was a terrible idea to walk on it, but she had to as they eased their way down the cliff. She'd have died without James.

As it was, she was drenched in sweat and aching by the time they reached the bottom and were standing in lapping water. Lily sat slowly, limbs trembling.

"There's no boat."

"Clearly." James cast around on the ground, finding a suitable rock. With a scowl of concentration, he transfigured the rock into a wooden boat. Lily gaped at it. "Don't look so surprised." He said smugly.

"Ego, Potter." She rolled her eyes, impressed anyway. He helped her into it, settling behind her to keep her steady. He tapped the side of it with the wand, and then they were skimming across the water. Lily left it to James to twist to look behind them as they sped out from under Nott Manor. She'd only hurt herself, and it wasn't like she had a wand anyway.

No alarm followed them. Lily breathed a massive sigh of relief, melting into James' embrace. He pointed the boat towards open water rather than trust the land around the Manor.

"Full moon." He murmured.

"Poor Remus."

"Sirius will be with him." James sighed. "We had plans for it this month."

"At least he won't be alone." She closed her eyes, used to darkness now.

"It's been three days."

"It's still on you, Potter." Lily mumbled.

"I know." His arm tightened around her. "Ready to apparate?"

"Mm-hm." It was a sharp jerk, and then they were standing a quiet street. Lily glanced up, recognizing his building. She thought of the stairs between her and a safe bed and sighed.

"What?" He wondered.

"Stairs." She lifted a shoulder in response. Before she could step forward, James scooped her from the ground, ignoring her squeak of surprise. She felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment, though couldn't bring herself to protest. Being carried didn't hurt this time thanks to his spell.

"What happened to the door?" James frowned at the scorch mark on the wood, setting her back on her feet.

"Sorry." Lily muttered, rubbing the back of her neck.

"You?"

"No one was here."

"Clearly." He shook his head, opening the door for her. Lily hobbled in, using him for support still. It seemed perfectly natural to allow him to guide her back to his bedroom.

"Merlin, I smell." Lily muttered. It hadn't seemed awful in the cell, but now the stench was quite potent. She made her way over to the bathroom, using furniture as support.

"Er…you want to take turns?" James was swaying, looking as exhausted as she felt.

"I think you've seen me naked plenty." She rolled her eyes pointedly. "Besides…" She gestured at her leg and the fact that it was still very broken. He blinked a few times before following her. It wasn't until she was shedding clothes that Lily considered the state of her body. Her face heated again, because she could see him staring from the corner of her eye. She was covered in bruises and practically emancipated. _Ugly._ She shivered, hearing her mother's voice tell her to fix her hair and her face.

Lily struggled into the shower, ears roaring. She sensed James hovering, though he was clearly uncertain as to how much she would welcome his touch now. She sighed as the water cascaded over her, washing away three days' worth of muck. She glanced over to find James half-asleep against the shower wall.

"Come on, buddy." She reached for him, rousing him only a little. "Pass out here and you're stuck, you know." He grumbled at her, but Lily felt the same fatigue weighing down on her limbs. They were _safe_. Relief like she'd never known before stole away every other emotion; put the whole ordeal at one remove.

The shower took longer than either of them wanted, because they were both moving very slowly. The feeling of being clean was worth it, though, and Lily was perfectly happy to pull on one of his shirts when they were both dry. She charmed her hair dry before passing the wand to James.

"You should send a patronus to your mother." Lily mumbled, easing her way into his bed. "Get her to fix my leg again."

"Right." James blinked owlishly, frozen at the foot of the bed.

"Patronus, Potter. Then get your butt in bed." She gestured to the other half, struggling to keep her eyes open. "You look like death." Lily didn't stay awake long enough to know if he sent the patronus. She slept with his warmth at her back, happier than she'd been in months.


	15. Dreaming

_Was it a dream?_ Lily lay very still, not hurting in the slightest. Even beneath James' charm she'd ached. The lack of pain was worrisome. She'd hallucinated about him so much… Had she imagined the whole thing? Three days with him in a dark cave. Three days of darkness that brought them back together. It must be a dream. It was too good to be real.

"Better not've been a dream." James mumbled, breath sighing across the back of her neck. She shivered, snuggling deeper beneath his arm.

"Like being shut in caves, Potter?" She teased, grinning against the pillow.

"Only if you're there."

"Really not that cute, all things considered."

"Win some. Lose some." His lips found the back of her neck, inspiring warmth through her body.

"Hm, don't start that."

"Yes, please don't." Grace seconded from the corner. Both of them jumped, and Lily felt her face flame.

"Mum."

"James Howard Potter." She started, rising from a chair that hadn't been there the night before. "If you _ever_ scare me like that again, I will _kill_ you. _What the fuck were you thinking?_ "

"Mum." He shifted, sitting up.

"Don't you even think about justifying yourself!" She shrieked. Lily buried her face in the pillow. "I've heard it all before from your father, and look where it go him! And _Merlin_ , if you don't care about yourself then what about _her?_ You could have gotten Lily killed for your rash action. And yes! I'm talking to you, too, Lily Evans. What the were you _thinking_ , going after him? You're _barely_ healed. The pair of you…" She huffed loudly.

James had gotten out of bed, and a quick peak showed that he had wrapped his arms around his mother. Lily could see Grace's shoulders shaking. She would have tried to get up as well, but remembered that she'd only put on a shirt before crawling into bed. Her face was hot with embarrassment. She did roll over slowly, gingerly in case her body would remember its injuries. It didn't hurt. Lily looked at her legs, finding no evidence of bruising. Her right leg was bound in a neat cast—a much nicer looking bandage than James'. She heaved a sigh, feeling a slightly twinge in her ribs still.

"I won't." James was whispering. "I promise, mum." The love in his expression was unmistakable as he held his mother tight, soothing her worry. Lily bit her lip, missing her own mother fiercely.

"Where exactly have you been these last three days?" Grace drew back, eyes shining with tears.

"In a cave." He said evasively.

"The one below Nott Manor?" His mother asked sardonically, one eyebrow raised. James offered a pained smile. "You are going to be the death of me one of these days." She pressed her hands to her face, groaning. He said nothing, and Lily quietly thought silence on his part was the best answer. "I need tea." Grace announced. "Boy?"

"Yes, ma'am." He vanished quickly. Lily started to smile, but it faded quickly when Grace turned to her. For a long minute, they stared at each other, and Lily had no idea what to say. What did Grace think of her snuggled up to James? Lily looked away first.

"If you break his heart again, I will make what Bellatrix Lestrange did to you feel like child's play." Grace warned, setting a bag and a cane on the foot of the bed. "Get yourself dressed and come have tea." Lily's heart plummeted. She stared at the sheets, throat tight. _What am I thinking? How can I justify asking him to take me back?_

There was a loose fitting sundress in the bag with a cardigan to go over it. Lily felt odd wearing it—she only ever wore dresses around her parents. She'd pointedly avoided them at Hogwarts. She limped over to the mirror, staring at her reflection. Her hair was a bush. Her face gaunt and pale. Her frame had always been thin, but now she was sickly. She swayed, heart aching as she tried to figure out what Grace's motive might be.

"Don't do this." Sirius said from behind her. "He doesn't want you perfect." She turned slowly to face him.

"And how do you know what I'm thinking?"

"You said as much at the funeral." He shrugged. "And now I owe you big, Lily Evans."

"Why?" With help from the cane, Lily limped from the bathroom. She tried not to be irritated with Sirius' interference.

"You saved his life." He said simply, stepping out of her way. "And we were the fools who didn't believe you."

"Yeah? I love him."

"Good. I'll be here making sure you don't muck it up again."

"Muck what up?" James asked from the doorway. He started to look between them, but his gaze caught and held on her. Lily blushed like they didn't have a mountain of history behind them, enjoying the look on his face as James took her in. The bush that was her hair was utterly forgotten.

"Oh nothing." Sirius said innocently. Lily rolled her eyes, wanting to remind him how easily James had believed they might be fooling around. Would he never learn?

"This." She told James, gesturing between them. "You and I. Sirius wants to play matchmaker." Feeling greatly daring, she limped forward, stopping only when James didn't move out of the way.

"Is there a 'this', Lily?" He whispered, pain etched on his face.

"James…" Horror grabbed her. _What?_

"I know you said… But I thought maybe it was just that cave and—" Lily cut him off with a kiss, clinging to him with every bit of strength she had. Every injury, every harsh word was forgotten as she molded her body to his. She would _not_ lose him again! James' arms were tight around her, holding her as desperately as she was holding him. Sirius cleared his throat loudly after a minute. They ignored him.

"I love you." She mumbled against his lips. He groaned agreement, fingers tangled in her hair.

"James Howard, you let that poor girl go!" His mother barked from the doorway, separating them much more effectively than Sirius. Lily blushed again. "Merlin, it's bad enough that you half-kill her, but then you have to go—"

" _Mother_."

"You give that girl at least a week." Grace warned, ignoring their discomfort. "Merlin! Gah, boys! Did you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am." His face was scarlet. Sirius was snickering in the corner.

"Lily, won't you join me for tea?"

"Of course." She croaked, wondering if it was possible for a blush to cause a burn. James grabbed the cane, handing it to her woodenly. Lily couldn't even look at him. She followed Grace, hearing some manner of scuffling in the bedroom. It was no great surprise to see Sirius come stomping out with his hair an eye-smarting shade of fuchsia. Grace coughed to hide a laugh, though her face was a mask of sternness when James joined them. The conversation was stilted, and Lily was absurdly on edge. She analyzed Grace's warning, trying to determine what angle she was coming from. Did his mother approve of their relationship? Was she simply wary about them trying again?

Grace did not stay long. After coaxing out the details of her son's latest misadventure, she rose and deposited several potions that Lily was to drink over the course of the day. Lily stayed seated while James showed his mother out, tracing random patterns in the table. He returned, seeming to hesitate before sitting down again. She forced a smile, but had no idea what to say. _How did this get so awkward so fast?_

"That was embarrassing." James muttered with a sheepish grin.

"Pretty much." She nodded, grinning without really meaning to. His smile was infectious.

"How badly do you think Mad-Eye will react?"

"'Mad-Eye'? I haven't heard that before."

"Have you _seen_ that eye of his?" James snorted. "The name is fitting, Evans."

"I'm not saying it's not!" She shook her head slightly. "I'm just saying it's new to me. And I don't know. Depends on if anyone knows what happened or not."

"No one really knows." Sirius volunteered, a scowl etched on his face. His hair remained very pink. James looked just a trifle smug. "Except the handful of people Evans ran to before vanishing."

"What of the note I left at Headquarters?" Lily frowned.

"There wasn't a note."

"I left one."

"No, you didn't." Sirius turned to face her from the kitchen. "We looked all over the place there for a hint at where you'd gone. Evans, there was no note."

"I wrote a note, Black." She snapped. "And left it on the table in plain view." Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but James cut him off.

"It's obvious we have a spy." He said. "We knew it before, and here's added proof."

"But we don't know who." Lily sat back, arms crossed. "Someone your dad was close to."

"He knew a lot of people, Lils." James rolled his eyes. "And most of them are in the Order. It doesn't narrow down the list much."

"I'm just saying…"

"We know!" Sirius' voice rose. "We know Howard brought him on, but he brought a lot of people on. We know he's relatively new, but we've a lot of new people. We know he exists. That's what we know." Lily clenched her jaw, wanting to shout right back. She knew very well that they didn't have much information, but brainstorming aloud wasn't a bad idea either.

"We're okay, mate." James said quietly. "A little banged up, but nothing permanent."

"Well you weren't bloody well okay last night!" Sirius shouted, knocking over a cup with a wild gesture. "And you haven't been here in _days!_ _Days_ , Potter! You scared the daylights out of poor Wormtail, and have Moony ready to kill himself over guilt for ignoring _her_. And _then_ , I walk in here and find you both passed out on the bed with her _sitting_ on death's doorstep! _Then_ you wake up like nothing's wrong and are all _gooey-eyed_ again like you never broke up in the first place!" He was breathing hard, eyes shining with tears. " _Bloody hell._ "

"I'll leave a note next time." James offered, voice thick with emotion.

"Bloody well better, Prongs." Sirius muttered, fixing the spilled drink with a flick of his wand.

"Sorry, Pads." Lily watched them quietly, feeling slightly out of place for intruding on this rather private moment of close friendship. But Sirius could work himself into and out of a mood in minutes. He was smirking at them, eyes gleaming with delight.

"So you two kissing for the hell of kissing or…?"

"Giving it another shot." James' grin was still uncertain when he glanced at her. Lily was fairly certain that hers was no more confident than his.

"About bloody time." Sirius grumbled. "I swear I've never met anyone more stubborn…" He went off on a rant about them, but Lily only listened with half an ear. She reached to slide her hand into the one James had resting on the table, willing her smile to be more reassuring. She tried to brace herself mentally, knowing that restarting their relationship wouldn't be as simple as their words in the cave. But she was warm all over with his hand in hers and his gaze, soft and sweet, taking her in.

"It's like I'm not even here." Sirius grouched from across the room. Neither of them batted an eyelash at his complaint, and Lily could not take her eyes off James.

* * *

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" Alice hissed, dragging Lily to a secluded corner of Headquarters.

"It's a long story." She whispered, gaze darting around for eavesdroppers.

"Frank told me that he told you what's been discussed. I swear, Evans—"

"James went off on a stupid revenge mission." Lily sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Like Frank said he would if James knew about the rumors."

"Well that's great for bloody Potter, but—"

"I followed him."

" _Merlin's shaggy balls!_ " Alice cried.

"Alice!"

"Lily Marie Evans!"

"My middle name is not Marie." She rolled her eyes pointedly.

"I don't give a damn!" Alice shouted, attracting several stares. Fabian Prewett was sliding over, clearly meaning to listen to their conversation.

"I'll tell you all about it later."

" _Oh, no you will not bloody make me wait!_ "

"Ladies." Sirius called. "If you want to make out—"

" _Sirius Bl_ …" Alice caught sight of him and gaped. "Merlin, what happened to your hair?"

" _Prongs!_ " Sirius whirled around and stormed from the room shouting, " _Prongs!_ I thought you said you fixed this!"

"Bugger off, Fabian." Alice snapped, waving her wand threateningly. He beat a hasty retreat, as did several other people who were lingering. "Now, bitch."

"We really need to work on your language, Alice." Lily teased, laughing as Alice huffed loudly. "I went after James—"

"Alone?"

"Well Remus and Sirius didn't believe me when I said he'd run off to do something stupid." Lily sighed. "And no one was at Headquarters."

"So you went alone."

"Yes." She mumbled, feeling her face heat.

"Evans, Frank and I were at the house wondering what the bloody hell happened to you. Why didn't you come fetch us?" Alice crossed her arms, glowering.

"I didn't even think about it." Lily admitted. "I left a note."

"A note?" She deadpanned.

"Which apparently no one found according to Sirius."

"There was no note." Alice confirmed darkly. "So where have you been for the last four days?"

"In a cave beneath Nott Manor." She muttered through her teeth. "With James."

"Sounds awkward."

"We're dating again."

" _You're what?_ " Alice barked, mouth dropping open.

"We talked." She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. "Snuggled a bit because the place wasn't that big."

"Merlin, Evans." Alice pressed a hand to her face, groaning under her breath. "Haven't you done enough to that poor boy?"

"I love him."

"Because you were stuck in a cave for three days?" She snorted. "Forgive me for being skeptical, but I think that's the stupidest thing you've ever told me." Lily's jaw tightened.

"It wasn't just being in that cave." She growled, eyes narrowed. "I wouldn't do this on a whim."

"Really?"

"Alice."

"You're making a mistake." She said flatly. "I know you think it's the right choice, but you said no for a reason. Remember why it didn't work the first time. That will come back to haunt you. All those reasons you had for breaking it off don't just magically disappear because you had a moment with him when your lives were in danger."

"Lily!" Frank smiled, making his way over to them.

"No." Alice whirled around. "We're not talking to her right now."

"Oh." He blinked as his wife stalked past. "Why?"

"I'm dating James again." Lily whispered, heart aching.

"Good." Frank shrugged. "He never shuts up about you. Why is Alice mad?"

" _Frank!_ " Alice shouted from the other room.

"Sorry." He smiled apologetically. "I'm happy for you, though." Lily watched him walk away, chewing on her lip. _Am I right or am I wrong to try to make this work again?_ She forced herself to limp into the main meeting room. James caught sight of her from the corner and smiled brightly. Relief hit her so hard that it was nearly staggering. She went over to him, fitting herself beneath his arm. _How can it be wrong when it feels so right?_ Lily leaned into him, looping her arm around his waist. Three Marauders watched them with smiles and clear relief. It eased the sting of Alice's opinion.

It wasn't until the meeting was over and the four Marauders were talking about hitting up the bars that Lily realized she'd lost her unofficial house. Alice and Frank had vanished. She bit her lip, chancing a glance at James. Would he expect her to stay with him now? It felt like too much too soon. But it would be odd for her to return to Remus' couch now that they were dating again. She said nothing about living arrangements, all but shoving James out the door when he would have lingered with her. It would be easier to figure out housing when James was gone. He kissed her fiercely before allowing his friends to drag him off, leaving her lightheaded and weak.

Lily could feel herself grinning like a fool, and she couldn't wipe it from her face. She was _happy_. It was a foreign feeling these days. She limped from Headquarters, not wanting to face a Prewett brother inquisition for lingering. She stopped outside the apparation barrier. Where to go?

Lily apparated to the Potter mansion, hoping that Grace wouldn't mind the intrusion. She started to knock rather than go barging in, though the door opened before she could touch it.

"I was just about to send Missy to find you." Grace said with a warm smile. "Come in." Grace gave her a tight hug, gesturing Lily inside. Lily throttled her confusion, hit with the wonderful smell of baking pie in the kitchen.

"Was there something you needed?" She asked nervously.

"Just to talk." Grace's smile never faltered. "I wasn't sure if you'd be busy or not."

"The boys went out for a pint." Lily shrugged, tugging on her hair. "Figured I'd let them have some time together."

"I'm surprised they could get James away from you."

"It's…a little weird still." She admitted, thinking of Alice's reaction.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you." Grace said sympathetically. "I know I'm biased and such, being his mother and all; but I know it must be hard that you can't talk to your mum about it."

"I…" Lily felt herself blushing. "I never told her about him."

"Ever?" Both eyebrows rose in surprise. Lily shrugged, eyes on the floor.

"It's not really something we talk about." She muttered. "Petunia didn't tell them about Vernon until they were already engaged. My sister." She clarified. "And, I mean, it wasn't that I wasn't happy or I was lying about being in love with him at Hogwarts. It just… I dunno. Outside their world."

"You never talked about breaking up?" Grace was very still, staring like she couldn't quite understand what she was saying. "Never spent a moment crying on her shoulder?"

"It's unseemly." Lily said before she could stop herself. She flushed immediately. "That wasn't…what I meant."

"Come here." Grace wrapped her up in a hug. She relaxed into it despite herself, needing the comfort for reasons she didn't quite understand.

"I never wanted to break up with him." She mumbled into Grace's shoulder.

"I know."

"Do you?"

"I've seen the way you look at him." Grace stroked her hair gently. "I've heard you talk about him. You're not exactly subtle." Lily tried to laugh, but it sounded choked.

"Alice told me I was being a bitch." Voicing her fears made them real. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that Grace didn't want to release her anytime soon. "Said that I had done enough to him already and should leave well enough alone."

"Whatever you do, Lily; don't follow that girl's advice." Her arms tightened. "I'm his mother. I think I know a little better."

"It makes me a bitch. Asking him—"

"Don't you dare." Grace pushed her back to arm's length, holding onto her shoulders. "James adores you. Let him have another chance. That's all he wants."

"It feels right." Lily pressed her hands to her face. "How can something wrong feel so right?"

"Lily, why did you go after him?"

"What?"

"Honestly." Grace pressed. "You were frantic by the time you got here looking for him. Why?"

"I…" The question took her aback. Lily blinked a few times. "He was being reckless and stupid."

"So why go after him? Did you know he was walking into an ambush?"

"Yes, I knew—"

"So why put yourself in that situation?" Grace demanded, hands tight on her shoulders. "Why run after a man pulling stupid heroics?"

"I love him." Lily started to scowl, but Grace's eyebrows rose again.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"Then stop questioning why you're dating again." His mother said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, and I'm not promising that James will never use your refusal against you in an argument. He's not always the most rational thing in the world, but he loves you, Lily. He's been a shadow of himself since you've been on hold. I was worried about him. Really worried, but seeing him today? It was a breath of fresh air."

"I hurt him." Lily reminded her, unable to help her protest.

"And he never did the same?" Grace asked dryly. "What of those years of him being an immature prat?" Finally, Lily laughed, relaxing significantly. "I'm his mother, and I love him dearly; but it took him a while to grow up."

"Bloody forever." Grace laughed as well, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. She touched Lily's cheek gently. "What?"

"I didn't know you'd gone after him." She murmured, eyes bright. "When Sirius told me he was missing… I didn't expect to see him again. I don't think he cared to come back from it." Lily felt her heart plummet and she was cold instantly.

"He's not…suicidal." She whispered through numb lips.

"There's a difference between overt suicidality and not caring if you survive missions." Lily shook her head, because she didn't want to believe James could have reached that point. "When no one could find you…" Grace cupped her cheek. "I had hope." Lily swallowed past a sudden lump in her throat.

"I had to." She mumbled. "I had to go after him."

"If you ever doubt you love him, then remember that."

"I don't doubt it." Lily muttered. "It just seems selfish, I guess, to ask him to take me back."

"Then open your mouth and talk to him." Grace advised. "And forget about what anyone else says."

"Yes, ma'am." She smiled, uneasy still about what had been going through James' head prior to his revenge moment. _He said good-bye. He wasn't expecting to come back._ Lily shook her head to clear it. She refused to dwell on the reasons behind his good-bye. She wouldn't let him go twice, and she'd be damned if she let him be reckless with his life.

"You'll have dinner with me, won't you?"

"Of course." Lily didn't have to fake excitement for her cooking. Grace laughed at her expression, and gestured her out to the table where the meal was already waiting. It did not escape her that it was a pile of her favorite food. Lily tried not to read too much into the gesture, and then later tried not to notice when Missy steered her into James' old bedroom rather than her usual guest room. Leaving the mansion hadn't even been an option. The bed wasn't as comfortable as the one in his flat, but it was his and the next best thing to sleeping beside him.


	16. Reaching

Lily woke abruptly, disoriented and reaching for a wand she didn't have. She blinked a few times, realizing that James was standing beside the bed. "James."

"How did you get here?" He asked abruptly.

"Here?" She echoed, confused. "Missy—"

"Not my bed, Evans. The house."

"I apparated." He sat heavily, frowning.

"How?"

"Erm…same way as always?" Lily shook her head slightly. "Why?"

"You don't have a wand." He held up his father's wand. "Right?" She blinked for a minute, looking blankly at the bed like it would spontaneously produce a wand.

"I don't." She looked at him. "I shouldn't have been able to apparate."

"It's not…" James blew out a breath. "It's supposedly not impossible, just incredibly difficult."

"Are you mad at me?"

"A little."

"Because I can apparate without a wand?" Lily snorted, rolling her eyes at him.

"I'm not that petty." He shook his head. "But you could have mentioned not having your own place. Is that why you've been at Remus' so much?"

"They didn't tell you?"

"No, or at least not until Sirius asked why you hadn't stayed over." Accusation was plain in his voice, and Lily heaved a sigh.

"I'm still trying to figure out where exactly I stand with you." She told him. "We need to talk about it again outside of a life threatening situation. I _want_ to be with you, but that doesn't erase what happened. It seems…fast to just up and move in with you."

"You need a place to live." James frowned.

"I can stay here." She offered, unable to read him at all. "Grace has told me dozens of times that I'm more than welcome."

"And you've not been here because…?"

"Really, Potter?" Lily scowled. "I refused to marry you and you expect me to just move in with your parents?"

"Fair point." He rolled his eyes at himself, chuckling. She grinned and waited, but James said nothing more.

"Talk to me, James." She murmured. "Do you want me to live with you?"

"It just…feels like the same thing all over again." James couldn't quite look at her. "You're keeping me at arm's length, you know? Close, but not too close."

"It's not that I don't want to live with you." Lily tried to explain. "And there's really not an 'I'll live with you, _but'_ either. I just thought that you wouldn't want me to just up and move into your place the day we decide to get back together." She sought any bit of agreement or acceptance on his face, but he was staring at the other side of the room, frowning. "I thought you'd want some time to get re-established."

He grunted in response. Lily found that to be particularly unhelpful. She blew out a breath.

"I can't just keep kissing you to make you understand that I want this to work." She grumbled, because she thought it might just be the only way to get through to him. The corner of his mouth quirked in a faint smile. "It's brutal, James, and neither of us really want to talk about it, but the longer it festers…"

"The worse it'll be." He sighed, ruffling his hair. "Lily, the only things I have to say about it are mean and petty. You deserve better."

"I want the truth."

"You're right. I don't want you to move in. It's too soon for that." He scowled at the floor. "But—"

"I'll talk to Grace." Lily interrupted. "I'm actually pretty sure she'll enjoy having someone around the mansion." The muscles in his shoulders loosened. "When the time is right—"

"How long?" He interrupted, a hint of bitterness in the demand. "A month? A year? Three days?"

"I don't know." She shook her head helplessly. "James, I don't know how easy this is supposed to be. I don't know what it's going to be. I was rubbish at Divination."

"So was I." He muttered, and since he'd announced all of his predictions to the class, Lily felt her face heat. He'd consistently 'foreseen' them getting married. "Apparently." He paused. "Bloody hell." James rose to pace.

"Yell at me, if you want." She offered. "I certainly deserve it."

"No, you bloody well don't." He shouted, kicking at scattered bits of parchment. "Why are you so bloody calm?"

"I just woke up." Lily said sarcastically, running her fingers through the tangled mess of her hair. "And I spoke with your mother last night. She has some damn good advice. You should try it out sometime." He stopped, staring at her.

"And what did she say?"

"James, when they took me captive and you didn't know if I was alive or not, why did you risk your life to save me?"

"Why would she ask you _that?_ " He demanded, perplexed.

" _I_ am asking you." Lily pressed. "Because that's what she asked me. Why did _I_ go after _you_ on your hair-brained revenge flop."

"Why?"

"I had to." She said simply. "Because I love you, and I wasn't about to see you get hurt." James blinked that he'd never seen her before in his life. "She told me to remember that. To remember why I was willing to throw my life away for yours."

"Lily."

"You did the same for me, James. I wasn't…returning the favor. And I don't think I ever asked." She looked at him, half-fearing the answer. "Why?"

"I…" She'd caught him somewhere between fight and flight. She wondered if anyone had ever bothered to ask him why. "I can't live without you." His gaze begged her to feel the same, but his words put lead in her stomach. It was too similar to Grace's fears that he hadn't really meant to come back alive.

"You can live without me." Lily said delicately. "If I'm…killed, I don't want you to give up your life, James."

"That's not…"

"It's not what you're thinking, but that's what it sounds like. It worries me, just a little bit. If I die—"

"Will you please stop saying that?"

"James."

"Lily."

"We are in the middle of a war." She snapped. "Death is a very real possibility, James. And bloody hell I'm going to do my best to avoid it, but if the worst should happen, _don't_ throw your life away. Please don't mean it literally." Lily blinked back tears, knowing that he would never promise. "Figuratively, it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me, but I am begging you to not mean it literally."

"I love you, Lily Evans." James growled, eyes flashing. "And there is _nothing_ wrong with that."

"No, I'm glad you love me, James Potter. Because I love you, and I have no intention of losing you twice." He stared at her, fight running out of him like water.

"Can I kiss you now, or is that still a bad idea?"

"Who said kissing was a bad idea?"

"You did." He snorted. "Earlier."

"No I didn't!" Lily protested and would have said more if he hadn't swooped down to claim her lips. It was easy to forget about her bandaged leg and half-healed ribs with him kissing her so sweetly. It was easy to dodge the conversation yet again in favor for something that didn't need words.

A knock on the door interrupted then, and James dropped his head with a muttered oath.

"Yes, mother?" He growled.

" _At least_ one week, James." Grace said from outside the door. "And as long as you're under my roof, the door stays open." Her steps echoed down the hallway, but the door swung open in her wake.

"A week?" Lily offered, dry irony in her voice.

"Do what now?" He frowned, confused by her tone.

"You wanted some manner of estimated time line before, right?" She nodded slowly, inviting him to share her irony. "So…a week?" A grin spread across his face, and he laughed, leaning forward to give her a quick kiss.

"Get dressed, Evans. There's something we need to do." He bounded from the room before she could ask what exactly he'd meant. Lily shook her head at him, not even wanting to guess what he had in mind. For lack of other options, she went digging through his things looking for something that might fit her. Lily found a pair of her own jeans stuffed in the bottom of his school trunk and blushed over several of her undergarments that had been left in there. She took one of his shirts, hoping that it wouldn't start a fight.

She found James alone in the kitchen, picking off a plate of biscuits left on the counter. Lily hobbled over to the opposite side of the island, plucking one from the plate for herself. She couldn't find words, so she focused intently on picking apart the biscuit and eating it in pieces. The silence felt heavy and uncomfortable. _We still haven't gotten to the bones of the issue._ She glanced at James, finding him watching her with narrowed eyes.

"Where's Grace?"

"At the Ministry." He answered shortly.

"Why?" Lily frowned, thinking of the reports she'd heard. To their estimate, the place was nearly overrun with Death Eaters.

"Some sort of paperwork." James shrugged loosely. "She didn't give much detail."

"Oh." She dropped her gaze back to the biscuit, forcing herself to stomach the last of it. Lily stared at the crumbs, wondering at the effort of sweeping them away to carry them to the sink. Her leg ached fiercely.

"We need to go to Diagon Alley."

"We _what?_ " She nearly fell over with shock, gaping at him.

"You need a wand." James said flatly. "Wandless apparation or not, have you ever been proficient at wandless magic?"

"No…"

"Exactly." He nodded decisively. "And frankly, I'd like a more responsive one than this." He tapped his father's wand. Lily blinked a few times.

"I can't walk." James frowned at her. "You did see my leg get busted, right?"

"Didn't mum fix it last night?"

"She's done as much as she can." Lily shrugged. "But she can't get it completely healed."

"Bloody hell, I forgot about that." He scowled, ruffling his hair. "I take it the whole re-breaking didn't change anything?"

"Obviously not." She rolled her eyes pointedly. "Why else would I walk around with this?" She hefted the cane, waving it at him.

"For fun?" He made a face, turning his back to her to lean against the counter. "We still need wands."

"That's abundantly obvious, Potter."

"Evans, I'm just saying we need to go to Diagon—"

"You most certainly will not!" Grace barked from the doorway, clutching a brown paper bag to her chest. Her face was white. "James Howard—"

"Mother, I am a bloody grown adult _and_ an auror. I think I'm qualified—"

"I don't ruddy care how qualified you think you are!" She shouted. "I won't see you run off on another hair-brained scheme!"

"This isn't a hair-brained scheme!" He shouted right back. "Neither of us has a wand—"

"You have your father's wand."

"Well it's as bloody stubborn as he was!" James cried, flinging his hands up. In that moment, she was painfully aware of how vulnerable she was without a wand in her hand. Lily fingered the cane she still relied on. "Evans, come on!"

" _Absolutely not!_ " Grace exploded over whatever response Lily might have come up with. "James Howard, are you _trying_ to get her killed?" He rocked back, mouth opening with no sound emerging. His face went red, then white. Lily took that as her cue to leave. She had no argument one way or the other. If she wasn't hurt, they'd be at Diagon Alley already. But she was hurt, and it was madness for her to go anywhere that wasn't under thick protection by the Order. She flopped on the couch with a groan, massaging her ribs gently.

 _I feel like a child again._ She could hear the buzz of continued arguing from the kitchen, indistinct through the walls. _I feel like all we do is shout at each other and then cover it all up with kisses._ It hurt in a way she couldn't explain. They were together again, but she'd never felt more isolated from him. She hid her face in her hands, wondering at what they were doing. _Maybe Alice was right. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking we can move past a botched proposal._

She didn't even hear James' approach until the couch dipped beside her. Lily said nothing, leaning into him as he wrapped his arm around her. _How shallow and selfish am I?_ She closed her eyes, because it was easier in the darkness. Things had been much simpler in the cave.

They sat in silence, lost to their own thoughts, for almost two hours. They would have stayed, but James' stomach had started growling and Moody's patronus came to summon Lily to Headquarters. James didn't offer her Howard's wand, and Lily didn't ask for it. She hobbled from the house, aching in ways that had nothing to do with physical pain. She apparated to Headquarters, still thinking about James.

"Evans!" Moody's shout seemed to echo through the hallways. She stopped short. "If you _ever_ pull so stupid a stunt again—" Her ears roared, drowning out his threat. Panic hit her like a sledge hammer. Lily was only vaguely aware of falling like a felled tree. Inside she was screaming, but no sound emerged.

 _"_ _Hello, pretty girl."_

* * *

 _"_ _What would you do if you could live forever?"_

 _"_ _Nothing and everything all at once."_

 _"_ _Quite a contradiction there, Potter."_

 _"_ _Not if you think of it logically, my dear girl. I wouldn't worry about wasted time, so I could spend forever doing nothing and not feel guilty. But I'd do everything—travel the world, live as a muggle lives, understand all there is to be understood—but in no particular hurry."_

 _"_ _Deep."_

 _"_ _I'm feeling philosophical." James grinned up at her. Lily smiled, continuing to run her fingers through his hair._

 _"_ _What would you do if I forgot who you were?"_

 _"_ _I'd help you remember."_

 _"_ _Philosophical and charming?"_

 _"_ _I'm always charming, love." He laughed, closing his eyes again. Lily said nothing, looking out across the lake. She would miss days like this, where they did nothing but laze out on the grounds and talk about nothing and everything all at once._

 _"_ _Nothing and everything." She murmured aloud, wondering how it was possible to do both at once. Somehow, they seemed to manage it a lot._

 _"_ _What's on your mind?" James asked._

 _"_ _I dunno." The attack for sure. How to ditch him tonight for her meeting with Moody. Whether or not she even wanted to continue with the hair-brained plan to join the secret organization. Nothing she felt like confiding in this moment._

 _"_ _Verbose."_

 _"_ _Prat." She tugged lightly on his hair before resuming more gentle ministrations. "There's nothing in particular, just random thoughts."_

 _"_ _Wanna go to Hogsmeade tonight?"_

 _"_ _I have to catch up on work, James." Lily disagreed lightly, telling herself she wasn't lying to him. "You've got me all distracted and behind."_

 _"_ _But it's almost over." He whined. "You know enough to get all your NEWTS so why stress over it?"_

 _"_ _There's more than one way to fail, love." She laughed, leaning down to kiss his forehead. "I do need to turn in assignments, you know."_

 _"_ _Bleh." He snorted._

 _"_ _It's your own bloody fault!"_

 _"_ _Is it now?" James shifted, and she was disappointed when he sat up. Though it was only for a moment, because he turned with a wicked gleam in his eye. Lily couldn't help but fall back as he crawled over her. She let him kiss her, spending a moment wishing the meeting with Moody didn't exist. She would blow off homework for James again. Without even a moment of hesitation, too._

 _"_ _Oi!" Sirius' voice carried to them. "Get a room you lot! This is shameful behavior from the Heads. What will the little firsties think?" James laughed against her throat, teasing and nipping still. Though she giggled, Lily pushed him back, uncomfortable with any manner of overt affection in front of people. The three remaining Marauders came traipsing over, flinging themselves into the grass with careless ease. This had been their place before James had invited her into it._

 _She traded places with her boyfriend, resting her head in his lap as he leaned against the tree. She couldn't find it in herself to protest when Sirius used her stomach as a pillow. He had an easy intimacy about him, and James had never protested moments like these. Lily closed her eyes, telling herself not to worry about it. James' fingers combed through her hair. For once, she was utterly content._

* * *

"Lily?" The voice was full of concern.

"James." Her voice was a whisper. She kept her eyes closed. If she didn't look at him, then she didn't have to remember the botched proposal. She could pretend like they were under his favorite tree with his head in her lap—or rather her head in his since she appeared to be sprawled out on something soft.

"What happened?"

"Nothing…everything." She imagined his lips quirking up, enjoying the remembrance as much as she had. But he wouldn't react like that. They were in love, but they couldn't speak to each other.

"Moody says you're no longer his favorite." James murmured, still full of concern. "You fainted mid-lecture."

"I was never his favorite." She snorted.

"I don't know anyone else he'd bawl over, love."

"Bawl?" Finally, she opened her eyes, looking at him for confirmation. James was leaning over her, worry etched in his expression.

"When we showed up at Headquarters with you half-dead." He nodded seriously. "It was almost more terrifying than seeing you in that cell."

"I didn't…" Lily wasn't quite sure what she was trying to deny. She remembered being told of Moody's reaction, but thought that it had been a hallucination. She frowned slightly. "Where am I?"

"They brought you back to the mansion." James told her gently, brushing hair from her face. "Moody told me that he has every intention of yelling at you again. And again until you can learn to take a scolding. He wanted me to tell you."

"I didn't…faint because he was yelling."

"Weak?"

"I'm not weak!" Lily said hotly, though he put a placating hand on her shoulder.

"I didn't mean it that way." James murmured. "Only that you're not fully recovered. _Feeling_ weak, not 'you are weak for passing out'."

"No, I…" A shudder ran across her body. She shifted away from his hand, sitting up. Lily ran her hands through her hair, throat tight.

"Lily?"

"Please don't touch me." She whispered, aching with shame. "James…"

"Lily?" He refrained from reaching for her, though she could tell he wanted to.

"He was there." Her entire body shook. Part of her wished Sirius were here instead, because it was okay for him to see her at her worst. She wanted to keep this dark part of herself from James. He meant too much.

"He?"

"He was there, and I just…froze." Tears leaked from her eyes, though she hid her face in her knees so he wouldn't see. "Panicked."

"The one who betrayed us?" James grabbed her, sudden intensity in every inch of him. She jumped, flinching from him. "Sorry." He took his hands back, paling. "Did he…rape you?"

"No." She shook her head, wiping away tears half-frantically. "No, he t-touched, but they were under orders not to…do that." She shuddered anyway. "I'm sorry."

"Bloody hell, why?"

"I shouldn't…" She waved loosely towards him, still afraid of being touched and hating herself for it. "I failed…"

"It's not failure." He said sternly. "Merlin, Evans, must you be absolutely perfect?"

"Yes." Her voice was hollow, and her admission seemed to take him aback. James blinked at her for a minute.

"Do you know how stupid that sounds?"

" _Yes_ , Potter!" Her voice rose abruptly to a shout. "You think I don't know how stupid I am? I'd tell anyone else that they don't have to be perfect. I can't live what I preach! Doesn't that just make me a bloody ball of wonder?"

"No need to shout about it." He grumbled, scowling. "I'm just saying—"

"I know bloody well what you're saying." Lily interrupted, not feeling gracious in the least. "It's nothing I haven't thought of before, and nothing that Sirius hasn't already rubbed in my face."

"So you'll talk to Sirius about it and not me?" She sensed his mounting anger. "Explain that to me, Evans, because last I checked, you are _my_ girlfriend. Not his."

"Obviously."

"Obvious, is it?" James snorted. "Well I'm _obviously_ a little slow because it doesn't bloody well make sense."

"He doesn't matter!" Lily exploded, flinching as she spoke. "You do!"

"So why not talk to me?" He shouted.

"Because you matter!" Her voice spiked an octave.

" _Make sense_ , woman." James shook his head in frustration. "I _matter_ so you won't talk to me? Why the fuck not?"

"Because you _matter_." Lily cried, hands clenching around the sheets. "I can't be imperfect, because if I am, you'll leave! I don't want you to leave, and I don't bloody care if Black sticks around or not."

"You're _joking_." She wanted to disregard his fury; pretend like she didn't understand where he was coming from. She'd never admitting any of this aloud. She'd hardly admitted it to herself to begin with. Lily met his gaze evenly, because there wasn't any bit of a joke in her statement. James looked near to slapping her. "Evans, it's a joke."

"No it bloody well isn't!"

"No one is perfect, Lily!" He snarled.

"I…obviously." She shook her head, frowning. "I'm not perfect, James; but that's how I was raised to think."

"You're aiming for perfection?" James' voice was little more than a hiss. "And this little quest of yours leads you to avoid talking to me— _trusting_ me—with every bit of yourself."

"I do trust you." Lily scowled. "But—"

" _There isn't a 'but'!_ " He shouted, making her flinch. "There can't be a qualifying statement attached to trust, Evans. When have I ever held back with you? You've seen me at near my worst!"

" _That's the bloody problem!_ " She exploded. "You throw everything out in the open and expect me to be able to do the same! I can't do that, James. I can't."

"So you'll go confiding in Sirius and expect me to be okay with that?" His eyes flashed darkly. Whatever tenderness had been in him before was gone.

"I'm not confiding anything—"

"Then what happened at your parents' funeral?" James demanded. "You've both been different since then."

"I don't bloody well know what happened!" Lily cried. "He…showed up." She thought back to that night, wondering how she could explain Sirius' support. Without him, she'd have never been able to say good-bye to her parents. It would be even more of a lead weight than it was now.

"That's it?" He asked dryly, disbelief plain.

"I don't know, Potter." Lily glowered at him. "He was there for me at a time when I needed him most. There wasn't any bit of romanticism in it, but if it matters so much: yes, he held me when I cried. Yes, he was the reason I got close enough to say good-bye. Yes, he defended me when my sister would've had me thrown out. Yes—"

"Hold a moment." James cut her off, frowning. "Your sister would have thrown you out?"

"Yeah." She shrugged jerkily. "Petunia… We were close as kids, but never after. She thinks I'm a freak for being a witch." Oh, Merlin it hurt to say that aloud.

"You're not a freak." She could see the confusion on his face; the uncertainty over how anyone could have an opinion like that. Confusion to cover resentment, she was sure. Lily looked away.

"She thinks I am." There was nothing else to say.

"How much of you believes it?" James demanded.

"I don't know."

"Bloody hell, Evans."

"Don't give me that, Potter." She spat, glowering. "I grew up with her, and my parents could never decide who to side with. Half the time they made her tolerate being around me, and then at Christmas they made me leave. It's not easy, Potter." Lily paused, though James didn't seem to have an immediate retort. "I don't expect you to understand, being both pureblood and an only child."

"Bitch, please."

"You don't get it, James!" Lily shouted. "Your parents were bloody perfect together, and even if they had their fights and quarrels, they were still clearly in love."

"Yours weren't?" He snorted, voice dry.

"It was almost eight years years ago when I saw them hug last, and a peck of a kiss several years before that." She wanted to slap the shocked look from his face. Her hands balled into fists. "They wanted perfection. Have the perfect marriage; perfect children; perfect house. I threw a wrench in that with uncontrolled magic as a child, but then it worked itself out. Perfect little family." She spat out, unaware of just how much she resented her parents until that moment.

"Why did you say no?" James asked, expressionless now. But his gaze was intense. "Why do you really not want to marry me?"

"Marriage is a piece of paper and a ring." The words left her almost involuntarily, but she glowered at him. She was putting nails on the coffin that was their relationship. "It's an excuse to live together without touching; to share the bills without speaking. Pretty house; pretty children." Merlin what was she trying to say? "I don't want to get married. I don't want that to be my life." For a long minute, neither of them said anything.

"You saw my parents together." James said quietly. "Why not aim for something like that?"

"I don't want to get married."

"I'm not asking." Her gaze jumped from the sheets to him, and she felt herself frown. "I'm just pointing out that long-term relationships don't have to become cold and heartless." He paused, giving her time to digest that statement. "And Evans." He waited until she met his eyes. "Saying that you don't want to get married because you don't like the idea of marriage is much different than saying you don't want to marry me."

"I can't take back what I said." She whispered hoarsely, gaze on her hands. She felt like she was an inch tall. "And I can't say I knew what I was trying to say. I was just shocked."

"Clearly."

"When did we ever talk about marriage?" Lily squeezed her eyes shut, feeling unbearably vulnerable. "Marriage is different than living together, and that's the closest we came. _And_ there is still a war going on. It's a terrible time—"

"It's the best time."

"Oh really? Marriage and children and—"

"I never said kids!" James protested, scowling. "I'm not Frank Longbottom, Lily. _They_ are being stupid going after a child in the middle of this mess. But why not love? Marriage is about more than making babies."

"That's not what I was taught." She forced herself to look at him, heart aching. He was right, damn it. Absolutely and completely right. Was it wrong of her to want to cry? Lily couldn't trust herself to speak. She expected him to give her a parting blow. Insult to injury when she was already feeling bare and exposed. She'd never been so vulnerable to him. But James hadn't moved except to reach very cautiously to take her hand in his. She lost tears as he lifted her hand to his lips, kissing the back lightly. She swiped her tears away angrily, but that just made more fall.

"I'm not going anywhere." James murmured, holding her hand between both of his.

"Why not?" Her voice was thick.

"Because I love you." He cupped a hand around her cheek hesitantly, brushing away her tears gently. "You and all your imperfections." He paused, thumb moving gently against tears that continued to fall. "Can I hold you now, Lily, or would you rather not be touched?" She reached for him wordlessly, heart flipping around oddly in her chest because even after fighting, he remembered her fear. Lily hid her face in the crook of his neck, clutching him tightly. He was soothing and gentle; one hand around her waist, the other stroking her hair lightly. What was there left to say?

"I love you, James Potter."


	17. Riptide

She lay in the grass, staring absently at the clouds. It was better to not think. She'd gone out to the lawn just before sunrise and pretended not to hear Missy calling her to breakfast several hours later. She wanted to soak up the sun and the peace at the mansion—to forget about the war for just a few minutes. Lily closed her eyes, imagining that she was still at Hogwarts, simply waiting beneath the tree for James to join her. They'd have a few calculated minutes alone before the rest of his friends joined them. Merlin, she missed those days!

A shadow covered her briefly, before the shadow's owner sat at her head with an audible sigh. Gently, as he had so many times before, James shifted into a comfortable place with her head in his lap. Lily kept her eyes closed, not speaking as he stroked her hair. It felt natural, not forced. His hand stilled eventually, tangled in her hair. Lily hesitated for a moment, uncertain.

"I've missed this." She whispered, wondering if she was breaking some sort of unspoken rule. They hadn't spoken of the past in the last week. Their conversations had been relatively shallow, centered around how useless they both felt. As punishment for his stupidity, James had been put on paperwork indefinitely—or at least he complained that it felt indefinite. But at least he had something to be doing. Moody felt that she'd get it in her head to go on more hair-brained schemes if she knew what the roster of missions looked like. She'd been forbidden from helping with paperwork.

"Me too." James said simply. He tugged her hair lightly, and Lily felt herself smiling. "How's your leg?"

"Much better."

"Mum said you modified her potions."

"I heard the lecture from Grace." Lily groaned, shaking her head slightly. "I know what I'm doing, Potter."

"I wasn't going to scold." James admonished. "I remember you running circles around all of us in Potions. I assume it's working better now?"

"I think so." She shrugged. "I'm not sure Grace would admit to that. She thinks it's time more than any potion or spell, but this is still vastly accelerated in comparison to natural healing."

"It must suck to be a muggle." He muttered, frowning to himself. "At least if you break a bone."

"Maybe." Lily shrugged, still grinning.

"Has Moody talked to you about trying to flush out our friend?"

"Yes." She lost her smile in an instant. Lily sat up quickly, wrapping her arms around herself. "It's as good a plan as any."

"Not easy on you." James murmured, thankfully not reaching for her.

"But I'm the only one that knows what he looks like." She rubbed her arms to ward off the feeling of his hands touching her. Bile rose in her throat, and she hated herself for fearing James.

"Lily?"

"Don't do that." She growled, launching to her feet to pace away from him.

"Do what?" Confused, James followed her.

"Be all concerned and caring when I'm over here petrified of you." Lily fled him, aware that he was following her across the yard.

"Lily." He caught her arm, and before she could gasp, he had her wrapped in a tight embrace. "He won't hurt you." James growled, voice low and husky. "We won't let him touch you again." She shuddered, pressing her face into his shoulder.

"He might."

"No, he won't." He said forcefully. "You think so little of us, do you?" His hands were soothing, and Lily felt herself wavering. She clutched him, hands tight in his shirt. "I know you don't. You know damn well that we won't let that bastard within ten feet of you."

"He will be if we call a meeting." Her voice was muffled in his shoulder.

"We won't let him touch you." James insisted. "I'll be right there with you. Pads'll kill anyone who looks at you wrong. The Prewetts and Moody aren't any different." He swayed with her, and tension ran out of her limbs like water. "It's not without risk, love; but we're not throwing you carelessly to the wolves either."

"I know." She relaxed in the circle of his arms, exhaling heavily.

"You'll feel better with a wand." He said coaxingly.

"Bloody hell, Potter." Lily snorted, pushing back to look at him. "I told you last week that you should've just gone with Sirius."

"And _I_ told _you_ that he refused." James reminded her, rolling his eyes. "Evans, you know I'm right."

"It's still dangerous."

"Have you always been this stubborn?"

"I am no less stubborn than you, Potter." Lily shook her head, stepping away from his arms. Her chest was tight with fear. She knew he was right. Her leg was perfectly fine for the promised trip to Ollivander's, but she was terrified. She'd frozen when confronted with the man who'd betrayed the Order. She'd fallen on her face rather than defend herself or tell someone who he was. She'd failed dismally when fighting next to James on his hair-brained mission to the Nott Manor. Her last two times facing Death Eaters had ended in defeat—three times if Headquarters counted. She'd lost her stuff. She was nothing more than a liability. Her dreams over the last week painted vivid scenes of everyone she loved dying for her failures. Were her dreams destined to be reality?

Lily forced herself to smile at James, uncertain if he'd spoken or not. He followed her into the mansion. She waved off Missy, uninterested in food. _You're still trying to run_. She scolded herself, pausing outside the kitchen to wait for James. She couldn't tell him about her fears. It was something she needed to face on her own. He had a plate of scones courtesy of Missy, and he gestured for her to follow. They went up to the nook, and she was surprised that James set the plate down untouched.

"Sometimes it's easier to just not argue." He shrugged when he saw the direction of her gaze. James looked out the window, frowning.

"What?" Lily wondered, unsure of his frown.

"Just thinking." He shook his head slightly. "About the war."

"Think we can win it?"

"Honestly?" James heaved a sigh. "I dunno, Lils. It's hard to talk to people. They're scared, and not doing anything is safer than any alternative. We've found several proven Imperius-driven attacks and such. It's hard to know who's acting on their own volition and who's being forced. It's hard to know what to do with everyone. There was talk in the office when I was getting my things out that we're losing control of the dementors."

"After commissioning more." She groaned under her breath. "We won't even have a prison soon, will we?"

"Probably not."

"Damn." Lily scowled. "Are you still split between the office and the Order?" She knew the the Order had him grounded, but that the office done the same?

"No." James frowned at her. "Didn't you hear? Moody made me quit after the last close call."

"After what?" She straightened, confused. "What close call?"

"There've been assassination attempts within the department." He explained slowly. "Against people who are being really useful against any dark activity. Frank and Alice were able to stay because they're not in that sector. Alice is still on paperwork, and Frank investigates other matters usually. He's trying really hard to not get reassigned, though it's a mess right now."

"I never knew." She stared at him, eyes wide.

"Moody didn't want it advertised." James shrugged loosely. "I thought Sirius might have told you."

"He just said he quit. Didn't say anything about you, and I didn't think to ask." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Merlin, I'm an idiot."

"Because you're not obsessed with me and everything I do?" James asked dryly. "Some might consider that a good thing, you know." She shot a scowl at him.

"I didn't even question Sirius about it."

"The department sucked anyway, so…" He shrugged like it meant nothing. "No great loss."

"You were out on assignments pretty fast. Howard said training usually lasts years."

"All rookies were thrown into the fray with some bullshit they called training. It was… Bloody hell, it was practically murder for some of them." Lily swallowed hard, chest tight. "Sirius and I were prepared, at least. Dad trained us both over the summers, and we had the dueling club. Most were just…pigs for slaughter."

"That's awful."

"You know the only thing they trained us on?" James continued like he hadn't heard her. "The Unforgivables."

"They did _what?_ " She gasped, horrified.

"Trained us to use them, and encouraged it." His mouth was twisted in a grim line. "They said that as aurors, we're expected to use whatever means necessary to contain this growing threat. To stop _You-Know-Who._ " He sneered out the name. "It…changes you; the Unforgivables."

"I know." Lily said softly.

"Do you?" He scoffed, jaw tightening.

"I used the killing curse, remember?" She tilted her head to the side, reminding herself not to get irritated with him. "It may have been forced, but I still remember the feeling. It's…sickening."

"Right." His gaze turned back to her. "I forgot that." He shifted slightly. "They didn't make us kill anyone, but they sent me out with someone before I got partnered with Padfoot. He killed someone using it. I…" James shook his head, eyes clouded. "It didn't need to happen. I could have stopped him. I—"

"'Could have' is the worst thing to say." Lily murmured, cupping a hand around his chin to force him to look at her. "You'll kill yourself thinking that way, love."

"Lily—"

"I think about it every day, James. I feel like I as good as killed your father. I should have been closer to him. I shouldn't have waited as long as I did after the majority left. I froze. I should have acted faster when Howard blew his cover. It's my fault—"

"Stop it." He said forcefully. "You can't tell me to not do something, and then turn around and…bloody hell."

"I'm just making a point." Lily sighed. "I know what it feels like."

"It's not your fault."

"You don't know that." She released him, sitting back against the wall. "You weren't there, James."

"And you weren't there when Jenson went beserk." He said flatly. "That doesn't change anything. Maybe you could have done something more, Evans; but it's not your fault. Don't ever think it was your fault."

" _James_ …" She couldn't find it in herself to yell at him. It wasn't worth the fight, because objectively, Howard had caused that mess all on his own.

"I hate him, you know."

"Who?"

"Dad." A tremor ran through his body, and Lily could only stare.

"You don't mean that." She breathed, eyes wide.

"Yes, I do." James couldn't look at her.

"James, your father loved you."

"Yeah?" He scoffed. "Well he had a funny way of showing it."

"I'm not excusing the stupid things he said to you." Lily said firmly. "He was out of line, and I'm sure it happened more than once. But he was only saying it out of love for you. He was afraid that you'd live through the things that he went through. He wanted something better for you."

"And yet he'll let _you_ live through—"

"Oh, bloody hell, James!" She shouted, cutting him off. "Don't you dare think I asked your father for permission to fight in the Order! If he would've tried to stop me fighting, then I'd have found a different partner. I'd have beat him black and blue for thinking he had any control over me." She glowered at James, arms crossed. "He's your father, not mine."

"That's not the point!" He yelled. "Dad was perfectly fine with _you_ fighting, when we've had the same amount of training. His very argument—"

"Is irrational. Illogical." Lily finished for him, eyes narrowed. "I told him that at least a hundred times, James. But people are stupid and irrational when they're in love. Your father would have died to protect you from the hell he went through."

"I hate him." James repeated. "And a bloody can't live with myself for it." He jerked his gaze away, twisting towards the window, but not before Lily caught the tears in his eyes. "He's dead, and all I can think is that I'm happy I don't have to listen to him anymore. Bloody hell…" She scooted over to him, wrapping her arm around him and resting her cheek on his shoulder.

"You're not a bad person." She murmured.

"You don't know that."

"I know you, James—"

"No you bloody well don't." He shrugged away from her, pushing her back. " _Voldemort_ thought I had wonderful potential."

"What?" Lily rocked back, frowning. James was on his feet, leaving the nook before she could blink. "Oi!" She scrambled to follow, tripping over the plate of scones.

"He recruited me." James said over his shoulder.

" _Word choice!_ " She shouted after him, running to keep up.

"What the bloody hell do you know about word choice?" He rounded on her, eyes flashing.

"Voldemort _tried_ to recruit you." Lily corrected for him, ignoring the barb. She would not get derailed so easily. "If I know you at all, James Potter, you won't have a thing to do with him and his slimy plans."

"He _wanted_ me." James spat. "He thought I'd be all for it, Evans. He was ready to mark me right then and there!"

"And did you let him?" She snarled, refraining from grabbing his left arm to see for herself. She _knew_ he wouldn't.

" _Of course not!_ " He roared, inches from her.

" _Then why the bloody hell does it matter?_ " She shouted without backing down. "You're a bloody fantastic dueler; you're pureblood; you're rich. Of course he wants someone like you on his side! Damn it, Potter, take it as a compliment that he thinks you're worth something and then fuck him over."

"Spy?"

"Bloody hell don't do that!" She gasped, horrified. "Merlin, Potter, do you _want_ to give me a heart attack?"

"I can't take that as a compliment!" James jerked away, running his hands through his hair. "He thinks I can be dark."

"And what did you do?" Lily demanded, crossing her arms. "When he was recruiting you? What did you say to him?"

"I told him to take his offer and shove it up his ass."

"In that many words?" She deadpanned.

"Yes." Lily raised both eyebrows, impressed by his guts. "What?"

"You really told _Lord Voldemort_ to shove his plan up his ass?" Lily demanded, shaking her head slightly. "Feeling suicidal, are you James?" He grinned sheepishly.

"If you hadn't had dad's wand, we would have died."

"That was at Nott Manor?" She gasped, jaw dropping. "Why didn't you say anything? Is that why no one came down to that cave?"

"I…yes." He rubbed the back of his neck, flushing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily prompted when he said nothing more.

"I was going to." James muttered. "But then you were interested in trying again, and I thought… I was afraid it would change your opinion of me. I thought you wouldn't want…"

"Idiot, the only way I would've changed my opinion of you is if you actually said yes to Voldemort." She rolled her eyes pointedly. "Fabian thought he'd try to recruit you. Hell, he tried with both of them, Fabian and Gideon. It doesn't make you a bad person, James."

"I thought it did." He admitted, looking down. "Especially because I can't stop hating dad even though he's gone, and… I dunno, it just felt like there was something wrong with me."

"Did Howard ever apologize to you?" Lily wondered.

"He did." James muttered. "Twice."

"Good." She uncrossed her arms to look less irritated and stuck her hands in her pockets. "I told him to. Glad—"

"I heard you. After you walked in on us arguing." He interrupted, looking up to gauge her reaction. "I was furious, and I really just wanted to do _something_. So I went back under the cloak…" His gaze darted over her, and Lily stared at him, feeling blood drain from her face.

"You heard me?" She whispered numbly.

"You ran into me leaving." James admitted quietly. Lily could do nothing more than stare, speechless with shock and mild horror. He'd heard her shouting at his father—yelling at the top of her lungs that she'd never stopped loving him.

"I… If…" Lily shook her head, thoughts scattered. "But you... Why did you yell at me at Remus'?"

"I…" His mouth moved a few times. "I didn't know what to think." He sighed. "I was so bloody mad at you for refusing if that's really how you felt."

"James—"

"We've talked about it." He continued, gaze earnest. "Sort of. Enough that I don't bloody care anymore. Just don't break up with me."

"I'm not." She was numb still, staring at him like she'd never seen him before. Lily rubbed her hands over her face. Was there more than needed to be said about the proposal? All she wanted to do was forget about it. She wanted to move on and be comfortable talking to him about anything. "Let's go somewhere." She said abruptly, dropping her hands.

"Go where?"

"Anywhere. Someplace muggle." She reached, taking his hand before he could think to pull away. "On a date. It's been a while, right?"

"Are you asking me out, Evans?"

"We're already dating." Lily wrinkled her nose at him.

"Admit it." He drug her to a stop, grinning like a fool. "You're asking me out."

"Alright fine." She turned back, grabbing a handful of his shirt for balance. "I'm asking you out, Potter. Now let's go before I start smacking you." James kissed her soundly, before tugging her around to lead the way. Lily had a smile planted on her face that she couldn't get rid of. For the moment, it was okay to forget about the war. For once, she didn't feel guilty for enjoying herself.

They'd gone back to James' flat, wasting the evening with Sirius. It had been so _normal_. So much like Hogwarts that Lily didn't stop to think until James had already taken her back to his bedroom to sleep. She froze, though he didn't do anything more than kiss her goodnight. Lily shook off her worry, relaxing. There was no reason to panic.

 _"_ _Hello pretty girl." His voice was cooing and sweet. Honey-coated poison. "Tonight's the night. Your boy's going to fail, and then you'll be all mine."_

"Lily! _Lily!_ " She screamed, thrashing to be away from the hands. _His hands_. She tumbled from the bed, tangled up in the sheets. _Chained to the wall_. Her knees ached. She was there; back there in the dungeon. "Lily!"

" _Stay away from me!_ " She was incoherent. She ran into the corner blindly, shaking. It felt like there were hands over every inch of her body.

"Lumos." Light flooded the room. She flinched and whimpered. "Lily." His voice was pitched to sooth, trying to approach.

"Stay away!" She choked on the words. It didn't help to plead. She shivered all over, trying to brush away the hands. "Please don't… Back…"

"What's going on?" Another voice. She moaned low in her throat, sick with fear and disgust. Her legs were giving out. She was aware of sliding down, wrapping her arms around her knees. "Come on, Evans."

"Stay away." She mumbled. The rank smell of mud and feces invaded her senses. _You're not safe._ He was closer. She groped for something, _anything_. Her hand closed on a shoe. She hurled it at him. " _Stay away!_ "

"Aguamenti!" She was abruptly soaking wet. She screamed, pressing deeper into the corner. Something much worse would follow.

"You're not helping."

 _"_ _Sweet, pretty girl. So eager._ "

She whimpered, bile rising in her throat. "James." She missed him, feared for him. He would try to save her from this hell. He would die trying.

"Lily." Merlin, why did her imagination have to sound so real? "Love, I'm right here."

"No." She moaned, eyes squeezed shut. She shook her head fiercely. She didn't want him to be near her.

"Lils." She sensed the body near her more than saw it. She flinched and lashed out, but he seemed to expect it. A hand closed around her wrist, smoothing out her fist. He looked so real. It hurt to breathe.

"You can't be here." She whispered as he pressed her palm to his cheek.

"I'm right here." He murmured. "I'm not going anywhere."

"No. You can't be. You can't be!" Muck and gore was all around them. She shook her head fiercely, denying this illusion. "I don't want… You can't make me." She gasped, chest heaving.

"Lily…"

"I won't… I won't see you die again." She pressed her eyes shut, hand spasming against his cheek. "Not again." She moaned. "You can't make me."

"I'm not going to die." Dampness slid between his cheek and her hand.

"Shh." She fumbled, trying to keep his mouth closed. "Bella—Bella will hear you. S-she'll…"

"She's not going to find us." He murmured, fitting himself around her.

"She will." The illusion seemed so real. "She always does."

"Not this time." She shuddered all over, pressing tight to him.

"Why did you have to break up with me?"

"Not sure that's how it went down, love." His lips pressed against her temple. "I'm not going anywhere. You'll have to work extra hard to be rid of me."

"Shh." She repeated hoarsely. "Bel—"

"Lily, you're safe." He interrupted her this time. Her illusions had never interrupted her before. His fingers were gentle, tilting her chin back so she had to look at him. "You're safe." He repeated softly. "You're in my flat." There were tears on his face.

"Why did I hurt you?" She touched his cheek softly. He nuzzled into her hand, and the smell of rot receded. _Safe?_

"You're giving Padfoot a heart attack." He murmured, running his fingers through her hair. Her eyes fluttered shut.

"Is this real?" She couldn't tell anymore.

"You're safe." He told her. "You're in my flat in London. I'm here." His lips were against her temple again. "You're safe. Sirius is having vapors." Lily turned her head just slightly, looking across the poorly light room. Indeed, Sirius was there, hand stuffed in his mouth to muffle sobs. Tears poured down his face.

 _"_ _Pretty girl._ "

She flinched, whimpering. Her throat closed over tears and she shivered.

"Make it stop." She pleaded.

"Lily." His voice was little more than a sob. He was trembling now. Any instant Bellatrix would arrive and it would all be—

He kissed her, mouth soft and sweet against her own. She forgot how to think, opening herself to him. Illusions couldn't kiss like that. He drew back, feathering kisses over her face—kissing away her tears.

 _This is real._ She gripped him tightly, afraid that in an instant she might lose him and be back within the hold of her hallucination. She caught his lips again, trying to drown in his kiss. He held her, supporting her without deepening the kiss. He pulled back eventually, tucking her head beneath his chin. Lily closed her eyes, focusing on his heartbeat as he rocked her gently. She could have stayed like that for eternity.

"James?" She whispered long after the last of her hallucination faded. "I'm sorry."

"We all have scars." He murmured. "War makes the worst of them." He nuzzled her gently. "You don't have to apologize." Padfoot crept over, tail low and ears tilted back. He whined at them both. Lily reached out, ruffling his ears. It would be nice to own a real dog someday when they had a nice house with a yard. She forbade herself from correcting 'when' to 'if'.

"Can we keep him?" She asked James.

"Only if he stops drooling so much." He sounded as tired as she felt. Padfoot thumped his tail on the ground.

James lifted her after another eternity, returning them to bed. Lily pressed tight to him, afraid of her hallucinations; afraid of losing him.


	18. Demons

"This seems like a bad idea."

"Potter, you're not helping." Her voice was harsh, but her grip on his arm was bruising. Panic built up inside her, not helped by the fact that James was so clearly worried about her.

"I'm just saying—"

"I know what you're saying."

"Stop bickering." Sirius interrupted them. "You're killing me." Lily was sandwiched between them, knowing that they weren't the least bit subtle. But so far only the Prewett brothers were around. The planned meeting wasn't for another half-hour.

"Oh really?" James snorted, scowling at his friend. Lily rest her forehead against his shoulder, trying very hard to not tremble.

"Stay focused, Prongs."

"Go somewhere else, Padfoot." Much to her surprise, Sirius actually went without a fuss. She peeled herself back long enough to look at James' expression. He was wary; protective. Lily leaned into him again, grateful to have him near her. She felt like a bitch for making him keep his hands to himself while she clung to him.

"It'll be fine." She said, as much for her own benefit as his.

"You're stealing my lines." James grumbled.

"I'm just saying…"

"I know what you're saying."

"We're being ridiculous." Lily shook her head slightly, disgusted by her behavior. She rocked back on her heels, forcing her fingers to loosen from his arm though she didn't let go completely.

"This meeting is ridiculous."

"You wouldn't be this jumpy if I had been smart enough to just go back to the mansion."

" _Evans_." James hissed out, anger leaking through. She looked away pointedly. Three days hadn't been enough to lessen her embarrassment over the nightmare and her subsequent hallucination. James hadn't taken it well, and Sirius was worse. She didn't know what to do with them hovering over her, so she'd gotten defensive to cover up just how shaken she was.

"There's Moody." She said needlessly as Moody came stomping in. James stepped in front of her, blocking her view of the room. She looked at him like a mouse caught in the talons of a hawk.

"There is a level of trust you seem to be chronically lacking."

"Can I not be embarrassed by it?" She demanded, feeling her face heat. She kept her voice low, hoping that Fabian wouldn't get curious and try to eavesdrop. "What do you want me to do, James? Tell you that I'm scared stiff by hallucinations of a man saying 'hello pretty girl'. That the only protection I had against being raped by him was the fact that Severus Snape is favored by Voldemort and he's claimed me?"

"Yes, Lily." James pressed a hand to his face. "That would've been nice to know before now." He groaned under his breath. She slumped against the wall.

"It's not easy to talk about." She said through her teeth.

"I would imagine not." His expression was soft, and he touched her cheek gently. "But knowing that he might—"

"Potter." Moody jerked him around with a fistful of his shirt. Several people had come in the room over the last minute. Lily felt herself pale. There was a dull roaring in her ears that drowned out whatever Moody was saying to James. Alice gave her a tight nod from the the far side of the room. Lily side stepped along the wall, measuring her options. She wanted to be near a door, just in case. _I don't have a wand._

"Hello pretty girl." Lily jumped a foot as the world seemed to swoop around her. There was a signal she was supposed to give when she recognized their target. She couldn't breathe. Her entire body was numb. "Are you alright there? You look a little pale."

"Lily!" Sirius grabbed her abruptly, spinning her around in a circle—deliberately planting her on his far side. He held onto her, steadying her. But his hands made her want to scream. She was choking on it. If only her vocal chords would start working. "This is her first meeting since the capture." He staged whispered. "Doesn't remember a thing, poor girl."

"Doesn't she?" His voice was cooing even now. "Pretty girl, I don't think we've been introduced. Blakely, Richard Blakely." Her vision was dark around the fringes.

"You knew my father." James was behind her—a very solid presence. His voice made her jump. Bile rose in her throat from his arm around her waist. _Trapped. I'm trapped._

"I was his partner before he retired." Blakely nodded, a smile curled on his lips. How could James make small talk with this man? "Would you mind if I borrowed miss Lily for a moment?"

"I would mind very much." His voice was tight with suppressed rage.

"Aw come on man—" He reached as he spoke. His fingers barely grazed her arm as James drug her back, but it was enough to shatter her. Lily screamed, trying to bolt through James' arms as a bright flash of red light interrupted whatever else Blakely meant to say. He flew backwards through the wall from the rage behind the curse. Lily hardly noticed. Panic had her in its grasp. Everyone was the enemy and she was trapped. She screamed and thrashed against the hands grasping her. The air was thick with multicolored lights.

One struck her, knocking her and her captor to the ground. Lily squirmed to be free, vaulting to her feet with every intention to flee. Her vision wavered as a hand closed around her ankle. She tripped, falling painfully to her knees. Hands clawed up her body, trying to pin her down. Lily screamed. She saw Blakely bearing down on her.

 _It's not real._

She couldn't make herself believe it. It felt so real. She thrashed and cried, terrified beyond every measure of sanity. She screamed. No matter how she screamed, the hands never stopped touching her. She was drug into suffocating blackness—another trick, another curse of Bellatrix's design.

"James?"

" _Grace!_ "

" _James!_ "

Oh Merlin, there were more hands now. And the sounds of sobbing. Except… She wasn't the one crying. She was still screaming.

" _Stay away from me!_ " Her throat was raw from it. " _Stay away!_ " She tore at her own skin, unable to tell if she was really being touched or if was all buried in hallucinations. It was endless—the pain and the fear.

Then there was nothing.

* * *

Her throat was raw. Even breathing through her nose irritated. Her head throbbed in time with her pulse. Her limbs moved sluggishly in response to her thoughts. Her heart started racing. Panic made it hard to breathe. It hit her all at once, and she sat up quickly, eyes flying open.

"James!"

"Easy, sweetie." Fear snatched her for the handful of seconds it took for her to recognize Grace Potter.

"W-w-where…"

"He's downstairs." Grace said soothingly, moving to sit on the side of the bed. "He and Sirius both." Lily exhaled slowly, looking around the dark bedroom like it would spontaneously sprout monsters.

"What happened?" Her voice trembled over the question.

"You had a panic attack." She answered softly. "A perfectly natural response to living your nightmare. They brought you to me."

"Is James okay?"

"Would you like to see him?" There were tears in Grace's eyes that Lily didn't understand.

"Yes." Fear was pounding through her in an uneven tempo. Was he okay? Had Blakely gotten him, too? Grace rose and went to the door.

"Missy?" With a loud crack that made Lily jump, the house elf appeared. "Would you fetch James for me? Lily would like to see him." With a second crack, the house elf was gone. She waited with bated breath, trembling and imagining the worst.

"Mum?" Slightly out of breath, James ducked in the door, panic written over him. Lily broke. Sore head be damned, she flew across the room, launching into his arms. "Ow!" He stumbled only a little, catching her despite his grunt of pain. She clung to him, shivering.

"Are you okay?" She asked anxiously, trying to look him over and get closer at the same time. He had a black eye and was carefully shielding his ribs.

"I'm fine." He was distracted, giving her the same sort of once over. "What about you? Are you okay?"

"No." She shook her head, almost giving into hysterical laughter. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck, holding tight to him. "Where is he?"

"Dead." James answered before her brain could take off with fears over where Blakely might be lurking. Lily went carefully still.

"Dead?" She repeated, pulling back to look at him. He was perfectly serious.

"Dead." He repeated firmly.

"That wasn't the plan."

"Don't tell that to Moody." James said quietly. "You started screaming, and he just went berserk. Broke four walls, including the outside wall."

"The brick wall?"

"Yes that one." His expression didn't change. "The Prewetts have a new door."

"Bloody hell." Panic melted from her. Lily blinked a few times. "I'm safe?"

"Yes."

"For now." She amended, tucking her head beneath his chin again.

"Lils…" Finally, his arms tightened around her.

"I know." Lily sighed. "Sorry."

"It's okay." James kissed her temple. "You made Sirius have vapors again."

"He's a little dramatic." She mumbled, eyes closed as she soaked him in. "James?"

"Hm?"

"Thanks." She pressed her lips to his throat briefly. "For protecting me. Even if I didn't appreciate it at the time."

"Always." His voice was low and gruff, and she knew that he thought her thanks was unnecessary. She'd feel the same in his shoes; but knew, too, that he would have thanked her if the roles had been reversed. Then she jerked back with a half-gasp, twisting to look for his mother. "What?"

"Your mum." The room was empty. Beyond James, the door was closed. He twisted to scan the room as well.

"Out in the hall." He surmised. "Eavesdropping, I'm sure."

"Runs in the family, does it?"

"Are you accusing me of eavesdropping?" James winked. She laughed, stepping back into his arms.

"'M not accusing you of anything." She mumbled.

"Tired?" Lily shrugged noncommittally. "Come on." James stepped her back, guiding her to the bed. "You should rest."

"Stay with me."

"Lils…" His hesitation wasn't unfounded, she reminded herself. Lily pat the mattress beside her anyway.

"I'm not sleepy-tired." She told him. "Stay with me." He started to say something and hesitated. James spent a minute standing there, wavering uncertainly.

"I don't want to see you like that again." He said quietly. "You were so scared…"

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"I won't." Lily pat the bed again. "Sit. Please?" With a sigh, James slid into the bed beside her, resting against the headboard. Tension ran out of him as she snuggled into his side. She heaved a sigh, closing her eyes.

"I was afraid." James said softly. "You were screaming. You wouldn't stop. You didn't want me anywhere near you."

"Your mum called it a panic attack." She mumbled. "I couldn't tell you what I said. I was…beyond reason. I didn't even know it was you."

"You have a bloody good right hook." He pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.

"Sorry."

"I'm more impressed than anything." James laughed slightly. "Who taught you to punch?"

"My dad." She answered, grinning at the memory. "He was determined that at least one of us girls was going to know how to punch properly."

"Good for him." He was still smiling, thumb moving soothing circles on her shoulder. Lily couldn't hold onto her smile. She nuzzled closer to him.

"Tell me a story." She prompted, wanting a distraction. _Any_ distraction.

"Are you familiar with the tales of the Beedle and the Bard?" James asked.

"No."

"Weird." He squeezed her gently. "You'll have to tell me muggle children's stories someday, you know. Just for this."

"'Kay."

"I'll tell you my favorite. The tale of the Deathly Hallows."

"The _what?_ "

"Deathly Hallows." James repeated, a smile in his voice. "Don't worry, Lils. It's not a scary story."

"Why's it your favorite?"

"Dad always told me we had one of the Hallows. My cloak—which he gave me when I turned eleven. Just like his dad did." Lily felt herself grinning at the unspoken promise that he would gift the cloak to his firstborn on his eleventh birthday. "It starts with three brothers on a lonely road at twilight…" He could have told her a story about a purple elephant and Lily would have listened just as avidly. It was the rich hum of his voice, the vibrations of speech that went through his chest that she remembered most. She closed her eyes, drinking in the comfort of his presence.

She didn't remember the moment she fell asleep, but she remembered waking up beside him. It was the middle of the night, and James was fast asleep beside her, glasses askew. Lily smiled, her demons quiescent for now. She freed an arm, easing his glasses off, leaning over him to set them on the bedside table. He responded to her movement, drawing her closer.

"Its'ky." He slurred, not even remotely awake. "It's 'kay, Lils." Her heart skipped a beat, and she burrowed closer to him. _Merlin, how did I get so lucky?_ She fell in love with him all over again; loving him so desperately that it was hard to breathe. Lily traced his cheek with gentle fingers before settling back down. She fell back asleep, dreaming of dancing with him in an open field.

* * *

"Good morning, sunshine."

"Oh don't call me that." Lily ducked away from James' kiss, shuddering.

"Oi!"

"That was your father's nickname for me." She wrinkled her nose. "I can't kiss you after that."

"That's not fair!" James protested.

"Sorry, babe."

"No, you're not." He scowled, though settled for grabbing one of Missy's scones from the counter. "What's on the docket for today?"

"Diagon Alley." Lily knew it came out like a challenge, but he'd been carefully avoiding mentioning it for the last few days. Since the meeting and her terrifying response to it. She was tired of waiting. Tired of relying on Grace for spells and charms. Tired of believing herself to be worthless after so many recent failures.

"Diagon Alley." James repeated, testing the words. His gaze was measuring, and then he looked beyond her. "Come on." Rather than head for the door, he went deeper into the house, aiming for the nook. Lily scowled at his back, but followed anyway.

"It's not a bad idea." She argued as they settled on their respective walls.

"Yeah, but we need a plan." James finished off the scone, thankfully swallowing before he spoke again. "Padfoot wasn't wrong. It is somewhat suicidal to go, you know."

"Nip into Ollivander's and get out. It's not _that_ dangerous." Lily shrugged. "Or do you think Voldemort has him too?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "And even if it's not willing, he could always be under the Imperius Curse. It's so hard to tell."

"Do you have a plan?"

"I think we should go in cloaks." James said slowly. "Try for intimidation until he gives us reason to think otherwise."

"To the extent that we're posing as Death Eaters, or just being really bitchy?"

"Intimidating, not bitchy. And not overtly Death Eaters. That could also backfire if he so happens to be working with Dumbledore in secret."

"Merlin." Lily ran her fingers through her hair, frowning in thought. "It's likely that we'll pass Death Eaters."

"Black cloaks." James repeated. "Hoods up. It's a manner of protection, and it's bloody cold enough to be reasonable for most people anyway.

"It won't be for long." Lily glanced out the window. There were still patches of snow, but February was waning. She feared what spring might bring.

"But it is for now, and that's what matters." He said firmly.

"We should start with you." Lily muttered, frowning. "You do the talking, and get your wand first. If push comes to shove, I can just use Howard's wand. It's not perfect, but I don't struggle as much as you with it."

"Yeah…" She could see disagreement on his face.

"You can do intimidating better than I can." She pointed out, waiting patiently for him to concede to her point. James spent a few moment staring at the ceiling before exhaling heavily.

"Fine. But we should go before mum realizes what we're up to. I swear that woman has a sixth sense for when I'm about to do something stupid."

"You're not exactly subtle." Lily told him with false sympathy in her voice.

"Hey!" She gave his knee a pat before scampering from the nook. "Oi! Evans, take it back!"

They bickered their way through the house, playful enough that Grace just rolled her eyes when they passed her in the sitting room. Lily felt a tremor of unease for not leaving word of their plan. She pushed it aside. Anyone in their right mind would stop them. Twin black cloaks were already hanging beside the door. Lily pretended not to notice James' approval over her cloak, knowing it was because it was his gift to her more than how suitable it was for the mission.

She twisted her hair up as they traipsed out to the apparation point, hiding the distinctive red beneath the deep hood. James nodded at her from beneath his hood, clasping her hand in his to apparate them to Diagon Alley.

"Have I ever mentioned how much I hate side-along apparation?" Lily hissed, taking stock of the empty streets as she spoke.

"Only every time." James rolled his eyes—or at least she assumed he did. He strode off, cloak billowing out around him. Lily tried to match the arrogance in his step, heart intimate with her throat. _What if I freeze?_

Ollivander's was dark. No amount of tugging on the door made it budge. James muttered dark words under his breath, peering in through the window. Lily kept her eyes on the street, half-dancing with impatience.

"Now what?" She hissed.

"Alohomora." James whispered, jabbing their only wand at the door. It didn't work.

"Want to try something a little less third-year?" Lily snorted, shaking her head at him.

"It was worth a try." The sound of breaking glass followed, and Lily jerked around to find James stepping through the broken door.

" _James Potter!_ " She whisper-shouted.

"I'll fix it on the way out." He snapped back, just as quiet. "Quickly, Evans." James started grabbing boxes at random, fishing out the wands within, pitching them over his shoulder. Lily rolled her eyes at his back, deciding that it made more sense for her to catch his cast offs than to start on a different shelf. His sharp inhale came not five minutes later, and a nice glow light the shop for a moment.

"Crap." James whispered, casting around on the ground as Lily darted past him to start grabbing boxes.

"What?"

"I dropped the box."

"And?" Lily frowned, hands shaking as she tried to find a wand to match her.

"I don't know what this is." James complained. "I want to know the core!"

"Bloody hell, Potter. Grow up!" Panic was seeping through her veins. _What if I can't find a wand?_ It was utterly irrational to think that she might not be a witch anymore simply from losing a few fights. But it was going on ten minutes since they'd broken in, and she still hadn't found a wand. She was cursing under her breath, and James was helping her open boxes. The streets were certainly emptier than usual, but they were by no means completely deserted. It was only a matter of time before someone noticed them doing something they shouldn't.

A child's scream pierced her focus. Lily dropped the box in her hands, whirling for the door in the same moment James did. The scream was followed by a cruel laugh that was all too familiar. She didn't even notice the wand heating in her hand. She gripped it tightly, running on James' heels from Ollivander's.

Bellatrix Lestrange wore no mask. She cackled like a mad thing, taunting a small boy with curses that missed him by a finger's width or less. He screamed, crying loudly. He couldn't have been more than three years old. Lily shouted in rage. Bellatrix blocked her curse, and missed James'. Her two shadows fired back a rapid volley. Lily's brain shut down, and it was just another practice session; another underground duel with James. She was not this child's mother, but there was definitely an edge of maternal instinct that directed her choice of curse. She was savage, wanting to kill the ones depraved enough to attack an innocent child.

The trio drew back in perfect unison and vanished with a pop of apparation. Lily cursed vividly, looking around for more opponents. Her blood was up, and the wand in her hand worked even better than the one she'd lost. Or maybe she was just so used to working with other people's wands that she'd forgotten how different it was to wield one matched to her.

"It's okay, little buddy." James was murmuring. "The bad guys are all gone now." Lily turned back to him as James hefted the youngster from the ground. "Where's your momma, brave lad?" She was struck dumb, gaping at James as he looked from the child to her. _Oh Merlin._ She'd never stopped to consider him as a father. She couldn't breathe as desire struck her like a punch to the gut. She wanted to see his children. She wanted to _have_ his children. Was it so far-fetched to think that this red-haired little kid could look like a future child of theirs? Her knees were weak in a way that had nothing to do with the fight. _I'll owl. Let you know when I'm having your grandbabies._

"Percy!" A woman shrieked, running towards them. "Oh Percy!"

"Momma!" He started squirming in James' grasp, breaking Lily's paralysis. She shook off thoughts of children with James, recognizing the woman for exposure to her brothers.

"Molly?" Lily guessed, watching as she scooped the child from James' grasp. She spent a moment just squeezing her child, tears in her eyes.

"You silly, silly boy." Finally, she looked at them, eyes shining with tears. "Thank you! Thank you, I—"

"It's the least we could do." Lily said softly, smiling as kindly as she could. "Fabian would kill me if I let his nephew get hurt." Of course, she hadn't put it together until she'd caught sight of Molly and had seen the resemblance.

"Have we met?"

"No, but Arthur says you've heard of me. I'm Lily."

"Lil—Oh! Lily, and there you are James." Relief blossomed on her face, and Molly relaxed a great deal.

"What brings you to Diagon Alley?" James wondered idly, gazing skimming up and down the street.

"Charlie is sick." Molly sighed. "And Bill's getting it from him. We can't affor—well we just needed some potion supplies."

"Do you have what you need?" He wondered, brow knit. "We can come with you—"

"Oh, that's fine dearie. I was just paying when Percy scampered off." It occurred to Lily then that Molly hadn't heard Percy's screams. She swallowed hard, looking down the street. They were several blocks from the nearest potion shop. She traded a glance with James. They accepted Molly's thanks, brushing aside her desire to pay them back. It was all part of the job, of course. Without needed to consult, they shadowed Molly to the Leaky Cauldron, hovering in a corner until she grabbed a handful of floo powder and vanished.

"Well she's a bloody idiot." James commented, shaking his head.

"If her kids are sick—"

"She should have gotten Fabian or Gideon to come here." He snapped, turning on his heel to stalk from the pub. "Or left the kid at home. Can you not see that she's ready to burst? She's having twins any day now."

"Gideon said she's due at the end of March." Lily rolled her eyes. "She's not bursting just yet."

"It's still a fool move." James snarled. His gaze burned down the street. "Let's go home before mum worries." She kept her lips pressed together, apparating on her own this time to the mansion. James was a few seconds following.

"I should have drug you along." Lily muttered under her breath, only belated thinking to return the favor of so much side-along apparation recently. It drew a laugh from him. James slung his arm around her shoulders.

"Nice fighting, by the way." He kissed her temple before releasing her to duck through the door first. Lily paused for a beat. He was right again, damn him. She blinked a few times, taking a few deep breaths. _I'm not ruined. I held my own just fine. I didn't freeze, and Bellatrix was one of the worst._ Lily closed her eyes, relief making her sway for a moment. Then she went inside like it meant nothing, teasing James for his endless hunger without missing another beat.

Tomorrow, she would go to Moody.

Tomorrow, she would get on the Order's roster.

Tomorrow, she would start making a difference again.


	19. Compromise

The lecture Lily had gotten for following James to Nott Manor was nothing compared to the one Moody delivered when she requested to be partnered with him. He spent the better part of an hour raging at her. He would not listen to ideas born from love-struck fools. After ten minutes of listening to him shout, Lily regretted even bringing it up. Then Sirius had shown up at Headquarters and asked a similar question—who his partner would be—based on the assumption that she would work with James. So the lecture lasted for a full hour, cowing them both. While Lily would have preferred going on missions with James, Sirius was not a bad alternative.

She waited still, watching James closely for fits of jealousy. He didn't appear bitter, though both he and Sirius were openly irritated with her. Now that Lily was recovered, she wanted to fling herself into the action with the same mindless tenacity that she had before. Sirius did not share her boundless energy for missions, and James complained that she was always busy. She struggled with it, desperate to make up for her failure and long recovery.

"Running off again, are you?"

"Someone has to keep an eye on Thatcher." Lily said without turning. She pinned her braid down, and retrieved her wand from the counter.

"You were already out with Sirius earlier." James reminded her, arms crossed. He was standing in front of the doorway, pointedly blocking her way out.

"We all were out." She sighed. "It's important—"

"Who bloody cares?" James shouted, throwing his hands up. "She's a _minor_ ministry employee. The only reason—"

"The only reason they allow the stake out to be one person is because she is a minor employee. But James, she could have incredible power for Voldemort. The information she is privy to is practically unparalleled. Scribes see _everything_." Lily stalked for the door, though he didn't move. She stopped inches from him, glaring. "Move, Potter."

"Stop doing this." James demanded without budging. "You don't have to be everywhere at once, Evans."

"I am making a difference in this war, Potter."

"Even if it kills you?" Still, he wasn't yielding. "You're running yourself into the ground, and Fabian says you've done this before."

"I'm—"

"I'm not my father, Lily." She frowned, confused. "I will not turn a blind eye to the fact that you're killing yourself."

"I'm _not_ —"

"Not intentionally, maybe." James spun her around, trying to push her forward. Lily whirled, firing a stunning spell for sheer irritation. It went wide—or rather James ducked out of the way. Of course he knew her well enough to know she'd try. He disarmed her by the simple expedient of snatching the wand from her hand.

" _James Potter_." Her hands balled into fists, and she debated trying to blacken his eye again.

"Peter's gone out to stand watch." He told her, tucking her wand into his back pocket. Lily narrowed her eyes. "Don't look at me like that, Evans. He's perfectly qualified—"

"It's not Pettigrew's qualifications that concern me right now." She spat. "It's the fact that you think it's your right to dictate what assignments I take! You have no right to tell me that I'm running myself into the ground. I know my own limits, Potter!"

"And I suppose _my_ limits don't matter?"

"Bloody hell, James!"

"I never see you!" He shouted. "You're always off doing something for the Order. And don't make this about jealousy, Evans. I don't give a damn about you being Sirius' partner." She didn't realize she was retreating from him until she ran into the counter and James was inches from her. "You're avoiding me."

"I am bloody well not!" She barked, furious at the implication. " _We are at war_ , James! How many times do I have to remind you before you realize that not everything is about you! We are fighting a mad man that wants people like me dead! I _will_ make a difference, damn it!"

"Lily—"

"If you can't accept the fact that this is what I want, then we are never going to work!" He flinched like she'd slapped him. Lily glowered, refusing to take it back. "I've told you plenty of times that relationships have no place in war, Potter."

"That is your excuse for being afraid of commitment, Evans. You are _afraid_ of letting me in too close. You run around like you can beat Voldemort single-handedly because it's easier to do that than admit you might be in love."

"That is not true!"

"Bullshit." She tried to slap him for sheer spite, furious that he was quick enough to catch her wrist. She tried with her left hand as well, connecting only very lightly. Then he had both of her wrists in a tight grasp. They struggled for a minute.

" _Let go of me!_ " James released her instantly, hearing the tint of fear in her voice. Her hands clenched, because she didn't want to be afraid. She was furious with him, but her heart was hammering in a way that had nothing to do with anger. It leaked out in her voice.

"I'm sorry." He said flatly. Unapologetic.

"Give me my wand, Potter." Lily held out her hand, glad that it was steady. He spent a long minute hesitating, judging her expression.

"No." She felt her jaw unhinge. Never in her life had she gotten so flat a refusal. Cold fury entered her. Lily jerked around, storming from the mansion. She slammed the door as hard as she could in her wake before taking off running. She looked over her shoulder for James at the apparation point, daring him to think she was stupid enough to go on a stake out without her wand. He was running after her.

Lily apparated to Remus' shack, stalking up the long walkway. James would chase her surely. How long would it take for him to think to check here? She knocked for politeness sake, waiting with her arms crossed.

"Lily?" Remus cracked the door open, peering at her through the slit.

"Do you mind if I come in?"

"The full moon's tomorrow." The little she could see of him looked scruffy and exhausted.

"I will be gone long before it becomes an issue." Lily growled through her teeth. An eyebrow rose, but Remus opened the door fully.

"What did Prongs do this time?"

"How do you know it was him?"

"You have this special tone of voice when you're pissed with him." Remus shrugged, locking the door behind them. "And I know he's been irritated with you recently."

"It's not my bloody fault!" Lily exploded, whirling around on him. " _We are in the middle of a ruddy war!_ "

"Whoa there, Lily." He held up his hands, taking a step back.

"I am supposed to be on bloody _watch_ right now!" She raged. "And Potter has the _nerve_ to get Pettigrew to take the assignment and forbid me from going! _And_ he stole my wand."

"He took your _wand?_ " Remus gasped, eyes wide.

"Yes! And he flatly refused to give it back!"

"How did you get here then?"

"I can apparate without it." Lily shrugged, tense in case he thought she was trying to brag. "Nothing else without it, though."

"Bloody hell." Remus looked impressed. "Did you tell him where you were going?"

"No, and I swear I hope he thinks I'm stupid enough to go to that watch unarmed." She paced around his living room like a caged lion. "I'd _love_ to listen to Moody rip him a new one if he blows the cover on that."

"How about some tea?" Remus asked abruptly, not waiting for an answer before he busied himself at the stove. She winced.

"I'm sorry, Moony." She said contritely. "I didn't mean to drag you into this. I just…" She blew out a heavy breath.

"He's just worried about you."

"I know, but it's infuriating."

"Is this a bad time to say that I'm worried too?" Remus asked dryly, glancing over his shoulder at her.

"Not you too." She groaned, collapsing on the couch. "I swear—"

"I know you want to fight, Lils." He said quietly. "I know you want to make a difference. I feel the same way. But you don't have to do it alone, you know. That's why we have the Order in the first place."

"But…"

"You can't win it alone." Remus murmured, bringing her a cup a tea. Lily accepted it silently, frowning. "How long do you think it'll take Prongs to get here?"

"I don't really care." He let her anger hang in the air, picking up a discarded book. He settled in the chair, returning to his reading. Lily heaved a sigh, sipping cautiously on her tea. She burned her tongue on it anyway. She nearly cursed.

She leaned back against the cushions, cradling the tea carefully and nursing her anger. She wanted to be furious with James. She wasn't using the Order to avoid him. He should know that she'd tried to get reassigned as his partner. She wouldn't have bothered with that if she wanted to get away from him. Lily pinched the bridge of her nose. How could she make them understand that she _needed_ to fight?

A knock interrupted her musings. Lily glanced towards the door, surprised. Remus turned a page in his book without looking up.

"It's for you." He said. Lily shot a frown at him, but rose anyway. She peered through the little hole in the door, shocked to find James standing there. His gaze was flitting between the door and the yard. Lily scowled, debating ignoring him. But her mother had instilled good manners into her, and it would be ridiculously rude to ignore him. She opened the door reluctantly.

James didn't seem surprised at all to see her. She met his gaze evenly, thinking that she should have gone to Alice and Frank's instead. Wordlessly, James offered her wand. She took it, fighting back the urge to hex him. James stuffed his hands in his pockets, turning to stroll back to the apparition point. Lily narrowed her eyes at his back, shutting the door rather than watch his retreat.

"Verbose." Remus teased from the chair, turning another page.

"I hate him." She growled, tucking her wand in her pocket.

"Are you going to the watch?"

"If he got Pettigrew to cover it, I won't insult him by showing up anyway. Peter's perfectly capable of standing night watch." Lily threw herself back on the couch, crossing her arms. "I bloody hate him, Remus."

"He's just worried about you." Remus said soothingly.

"You said that before."

"He's worried that you're doing this because you're afraid of breaking up with him again." He elaborated. "Rather than hurting him, you're avoiding him. It's the better option in the middle of a war, especially after James basically tried to kill himself after his father died." Remus shook his head, expression dark. "Stupid, hair-brained revenge bastard—"

"It wasn't suicide." Lily snapped, scowling. She hated that people kept saying that. "And I'm not trying to avoid him. I certainly don't want to break up with him!"

"You're going on three months dating again, Lily. You've had time for five dates. You've spent the night with him three times—and yes, I know you're afraid of the memories it might awaken. But from the outside, it looks very much like you're trying to avoid him."

"I'm not." She muttered, voice weak. Remus shrugged, going back to his book. Lily lost her taste for tea, and rose to deposit the cup in the sink. She remembered the last time she'd fallen asleep next to James. She'd woken in a full panic, and gotten violently ill in his bathroom. He didn't know about it. He hadn't heard her get up, and she'd cast sound-shields around the bathroom. She was terrified of it happening again. But it was moments like this, when she was afraid of being afraid, that she wanted nothing more than to curl up in James' arms and let him shelter her from the world. If only for a moment.

There was another knock on the door. Lily rolled her eyes, stomping over to it. She jerked it open, expecting to see James there again. Instead, she was greeted by the scowling face of Sirius Black. Lily had a moment to be surprised before he drew his arm back and punched her. She tumbled back with a yelp, hearing Remus scrambling from the chair.

"Sirius—"

" _What the fuck are you playing at?_ " Sirius roared, towering over her. Lily couldn't move, too shocked to do anything but gape at him.

"Sirius, stop." Remus held out a hand in entreaty. "What—"

"Don't you bloody well defend her!" He bellowed. "She is bloody doing it _again!_ I will _not_ bloody stand around while she destroys him for the _hundredth time!_ "

"I'm not breaking up with him!" Lily shouted, scrambling to her feet. "Merlin's balls, Black!"

" _You're killing him!_ " Sirius would have hit her again, but Remus grabbed him. The two struggled, and Lily could see the aggression of the werewolf leaking through. Furious, she darted around them, making for the apparation point. "There she goes again!" Sirius shouted after her. "Running from a fight. Little miss perfect Lily Evans!" She whirled, lashing out with a curse; forgetting that Remus might be in the way. He wasn't, though Sirius blocked it easily.

"I am not running from anything!" She spat, firing twice more. Sirius blocked each, stormy with fury.

"Is that what you tell yourself?" He hissed, stalking across the lawn. "Is that how you get to bed at night, Evans? Tell yourself pretty lies until you believe them?"

"You really think I can sleep?" She was toe-to-toe with him, glowering and wishing she were taller so she didn't have to look up quite as much. "You think I can forget the hell I've been through? You know _nothing_ about me, Black! All I want is for this stupid war to be over so I can stop feeling guilty about having an ounce of fun!"

" _Stop feeling guilty._ " Sirius exploded, shaking her roughly. "Merlin, Evans, _you're letting him win!_ This right here is what he wants! Flaunting it in his fucking face that you don't give a flying shit about his ideals or his threat!"

"Language, Black." Lily chided, because there was nothing else she could say. He looked tempted to punch her again. She turned on her heel, stalking towards the apparation point.

" _You're still running, Evans!_ " This time, she ignored him. Lily apparated to the flat, storming in without bothering to knock. She stalked back to James' bedroom, finding him sprawled on his bed, playing with his stolen snitch.

"Potter."

"Merlin, Lily!" He sat up quickly, eyes wide. "What happened to you?"

"Sirius Black." Her eye was smarting still from his punch. She guessed it was becoming impressive. James' mouth moved but no sound emerged. "For the bloody record, I have no intention of breaking up with you, Potter. I am not avoiding you. I'm fighting a bloody war. I'm not sleeping with you because I'm afraid of having nightmares. I'm not living with you, because I'm afraid of sleeping with you. I _have_ to fight because I feel so bloody guilty feeling any bit of happiness knowing that there are people out there suffering every minute of every day because of that bastard. And I don't give a damn what Black says, it's not a feeling I can just turn off, Potter.

"And you know what? I'm sorry. I'm bloody sorry I can't be the girl you want me to be. I can't marry you. I can't have children for you. I don't want the nice house with the perfect lawn. I don't want that, James! And I'm sorry. I'm trying because I love you, but I just can't… I can't be that girl." She blinked past tears. He was frozen, mute with shock at her outburst. Lily turned, guessing that their relationship would be measured in days now.

"When have I ever asked you to change?" James asked, subdued. She stopped, twisting around to look at him. "Lily—"

"You asked me to marry you." She reminded him, heart aching.

"Because I love you. Because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you." She couldn't read his expression. "If you don't want kids, or you want to live in a hovel; Lily, I don't care. I want to be with _you_. I wasn't asking you to change who you are." He paused, measuring her. "We never talked about our views on marriage, Lils. We never talked about having kids or not having kids. We talked about getting a flat together, but I didn't mean anything more extravagant than something like this." He gestured to the flat around them. "Okay, fine. Maybe we should have talked about it before I proposed. Maybe it was too soon. But I wasn't thinking past the fact that I want you in my life."

"James…" Her voice shook.

"Lily, I love you. And it's not easy watching you run yourself into the ground all the time. I know you feel like you have to, and trust me when I tell you that I've felt the same before. It was something they talked about in training. The obsession. I saw it before with dad, and Lily, you're walking down that path." He watched her closely, searching for something in her expression. She couldn't guess what her face looked like. She stared at him.

"This is why relationships are a terrible idea." She muttered, turning from him. But she didn't walk away.

"Lily, I'm a simple guy. I understand simple statements. Do you or don't you want to be with me? You've said both in the last ten minutes." Lily pressed her hands to her face, trying to stem tears.

"I want to be with you." She said through her hands. James stepped behind her, wrapping his arms around her.

"Give me _something_." He pressed. "Time. Commitment. Anything."

"James…"

"Stop going on so many bloody missions. Or move in here. I know you're afraid, but we can get past it, Lily."

"James." She felt herself tense.

"I'm not talking about having sex. We can wait as long as you need. But I never see you. I just want you to be around, Lils. Meet me halfway."

 _I'm not ready._ Her heart was intimate with her throat. Fear made her breath shallow and fast. _I'm not ready to share a bed with anyone. But…_ She didn't want to lose him. She was losing him already. _Relationships are about compromise. You can't keep expecting him to conform to your every whim._

"Okay." She said meekly. "Tomorrow I'll…get my stuff over here."

"Are you sure?" He pulled her around, brow pinched with worry. "I'm don't want to force you—"

"I'm sure." Lily told him with much more confidence than she felt. He spent a few moments just looking at her, waiting for hesitation or whatever else to enter her expression. She forced herself to smile, which brought relief to his eyes. Lily threw her arms around his neck, hiding her expression from him. She was terrified of what night might bring.

* * *

Living with James was easy. Lily took no fewer assignments than she had before, but she saw him more frequently now that they were sharing a flat. He held off on complaining about her assignments, doing his best to optimize the time they had together. For the most part, she was glad for her decision.

She regretted it every night.

Lily had nightmares every single night, ranging from real events to the imagined deaths of everyone she cared about. Sometimes, she was able to stay still beside James. She stayed in frozen terror, waiting for her fears to ebb; staying awake the rest of the night for fear of the nightmares returning. Other times, her panic was violent, and she have to move to keep from screaming. She'd lock herself in the bathroom beneath shields, and scream and rage for her fear. She hated herself so much sometimes that she was ill from it.

It was one of those nights. A night where she could only clutch at the toilet and sob long past the point that her stomach had anything left to give.

"Please tell me you're not pregnant." Sirius said from the doorway, voice soft. She jumped a foot, crying out involuntarily. She rammed into the tub from flinching, and knew she'd have a bruise on her elbow for it.

"F-fuck o-o-ff." She stammered, every inch of her trembling.

"Want me to get Prongs?"

"No!" Panic made her eyes widen.

"Okay." He knelt just inside the door. "This happen often?" She nodded wordlessly, hating herself for crying still. "Prongs know?" She shook her head. "You know he'd want to know."

"I don't want him to know." She croaked.

"Because you have this undying need to be perfect?"

"Because he doesn't need to know that I'm afraid of him!" She shuddered. "He's done nothing to deserve it. But I just can't…"

"Why won't you talk to him?" Sirius pressed, frowning.

"I don't want him to feel bad." Lily moaned, hiding her face in her knees. "And he will. I know he will."

"Why?"

"Because he pressured me into moving in with him."

"You weren't ready." He surmised. "Why not tell him?"

"I don't want to lose him." She whispered. "I don't want to be afraid."

"Then don't be afraid."

"It's not that easy."

"Why not?" Sirius demanded.

"It's not something I can control."

"Let him help you."

"But I'm afraid of _him!_ " Lily cried, feeling utterly worthless.

"No, you're not." Sirius rose, ignoring her squeak of fear, and scooped her from the ground. "You're afraid because of things that happened to you." He carted her out of the bathroom. "Wake him up, and let him help you." Sirius deposited her on the bed, jostling it enough that James woke abruptly. "Whoops." Sirius padded out of their bedroom, shutting the door softly in his wake.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Since Sirius asked how often 'this' happens." James whispered, catching her chin to draw her gaze to him. "Why haven't you said something?"

"I didn't want you to feel bad." She mumbled. "I want… I want this to work."

"Do you want me to hold you?"

"I don't know." She was breaking down all over again. Gingerly, James shifted closer to her, drawing her into his arms.

"If it's too much, just tell me."

"'Kay." She mumbled, burrowing closer to him.

"It's not that easy, you know." He murmured. "Giving up fear. Padfoot can talk all he wants, but I know better. I was…surprised that this hadn't happened. I didn't realize you were hiding it."

"Are you mad at me?" She asked in a small voice.

"No."

"Will you tell me a story?" He was quiet for a minute.

"I can't think of a good one." James sighed, squeezing her gently.

"Any story." Lily pressed. "Something distracting." Still he was quiet. "Why did Remus and Sirius get defensive when I mentioned pranking Snape seventh year?"

"Ah…" He shifted uncomfortably. "That's not a good story, Lils."

"I want to know."

"It's not mine to tell."

"You're deflecting."

"He's a good friend." Sirius said from the doorway.

"Do doors mean nothing to you?" James growled.

"You'll hate me if I tell you the truth, Evans." He stayed leaning on the door frame. "Towards the end of sixth year, my grudge against Snivellus got out of hand. I played a prank on him that was morally repugnant. I betrayed Moony, and James is the reason it didn't end badly. I don't know why either of them ever forgave me."

Beside her, James was carefully silent. His gaze was on the far wall, locked there like whatever anger he'd had towards Sirius hadn't fully gone away. Lily looked across the room at Sirius, frowning as she considered all the ways Remus and James could have been involved. _It has to do with Remus being a werewolf_. Lily opened her mouth to accuse him before deciding against it.

"Thank you." She said instead.

"Oh really?" Sirius snorted.

"Yes." She could see the tightness in James' jaw. She put a placating hand on his leg. "For the distraction." Lily was thinking clearly again, at least. And she was very certain that she didn't want the details of what happened.

"Shut the door on your way out, Pads." James said tightly. She saw Sirius' sigh, though he reached for the door and shut it. This time, James cast a sound-shield around the room.

"It's not that bad."

"He's worse than my mother." He disagreed. "Merlin, neither of them can keep their noses out of our business."

"Admit it, James." She sighed. "We need constant supervision."

"Maybe." He said grudgingly.

"It was a distraction, at least."

"Feel better?"

"Mm-hm." She put her cheek back on his shoulder.

"Tired?" James wondered.

"No." Lily answered, even though she was absolutely exhausted. She feared falling asleep again.

"Any burning questions for me?"

"Nothing burning." She shrugged. "Still waiting for you to get mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Hence the waiting."

"I have a question." James announced.

"Fire away."

"Do you ever want to have kids?" Lily blinked a few times, thrown by the train of his thoughts. She frowned.

"Not right now."

"I'm not saying right now. I'm saying years from now. After this war is over and we've won."

"So confident are you?"

"Hypothetically then." She knew he was rolling his eyes at her. Lily felt herself smiling.

"I could be persuaded."

"You don't dream of future babies?"

"If I did then I wouldn't wake up choking on a scream now would I?"

"Fair point." He allowed. "Unless, of course, you don't want kids and would consider having them to be a nightmare."

"I would have your babies." Lily said without thinking.

" _My_ babies?"

"Don't get too excited." Her face heated in a blush, though James was speechless after that. Lily chewed on her lip, embarrassed by her slip. It wasn't hard to remember him holding Molly Weasley's child. He would make a damn good father. His lips found her temple, and he lingered there, drinking in her in. She felt herself relaxing. It would be years still before they would have this conversation for real. He understood that.

In the morning, James woke her with a kiss and breakfast in bed. Lily had to blink at him a few times, bleary-eyed because she wasn't used to him being up before her anymore. She'd fallen asleep sometime after their discussion about babies. She rubbed sleep out of her eyes, grumbling at him because he was bright-eyed and cheery. She wanted to sleep for a week. They shared breakfast, though, and James drug a promise out of her that she would wake him if she had another nightmare. She agreed because it was easier than arguing.

And over the course of the next few weeks, Lily took to waking him. She _wanted_ his comfort in the middle of the night. She needed it more than she wanted to admit. James was taming her demons. Easing her out of the fear she'd carried with her since her captivity. Until eventually, she was dreaming of long white gowns and young boys with messy black hair that called her 'momma'.


	20. Take Two

"Grace?" The mansion was unusually quiet. Lily padded through it, hoping that James would never want to live in a house this large. It was impossible to find anyone. "Grace?" She found Missy sitting on the staircase, sniffling. "Missy, what's wrong?" Lily murmured, perching on the stairs.

"Missy can't say." The house elf whimpered, tears leaking from her eyes.

"Where's Grace?"

"Hospital."

"She's at…" Lily launched to her feet. "Is she okay?" Missy just dithered. She'd been ordered not to say anything, and breaking promises was not something Missy was capable of; not even now. Lily left her on the stairs, lacking patience enough to comfort the house elf. She needed to know what was going on first. She ran from the mansion, going straight to St. Mungo's. James wasn't due back from his mission for another hour.

"Hi." Lily darted shamelessly to the front of the reception desk, deaf of the grumbles of the waiting witches in line behind her. "I'm looking for Grace Potter."

"Name?" The witch behind the desk asked without looking up.

"Grace Potter." Lily repeated impatiently.

"Your name, brainless."

"Lily Evans."

"Sorry kid." The witch shook her head. "Only blood relatives allowed."

"I'm dating her son." She snapped.

"Rules are rules. Blood relations only." She jabbed her quill to the sign, and Lily repressed a strong urge to hex the witch. She huffed loudly to no avail. Irritated, she stalked back to the apparation point, going back to the flat to wait.

"Aren't you supposed to be off somewhere giggling with Mrs. P?" Sirius growled from the kitchen as she walked in.

"What have I told you about walking around this place naked?" Lily snapped.

"I have a towel." He grouched. "And you're not supposed to be here."

"She's at St. Mungo's."

" _What?_ " Sirius barked, alarmed. "What's wrong?"

"I have no idea." Lily collapsed on the couch, massaging her temples. "Missy wouldn't say, and they wouldn't let me in to see her. Said blood relations only."

"That's bullshit!"

"There was a sign." She groaned. "And Missy won't say because she's been ordered not to. You know how house elves get about that."

"Merlin. Where's James?"

"Out with Connor."

"Whose brilliant idea what that?"

"No idea." Lily rolled her eyes. "He should be back within the hour though."

"That doesn't leave much time before the meeting." Sirius scowled.

"You never know he could—" The door opened as she spoke, and James came in, muttering curses under his breath. "James!" She vaulted from the couch.

"Lily?" He blinked at her, confused. "I thought—"

"Your mum's at St. Mungo's."

"She's a Healer." He shrugged. "That tends to happen."

"As a patient, Potter." Lily scowled. "Or at least, that's what Missy was indicating. Something's wrong but she's been ordered not to say. She was crying." It was enough to make him pause. James twisted to stare at her.

"And what exactly is wrong?"

"I have no idea. Missy wouldn't say, and there's this blood relations only policy at St. Mungo's now."

"Damn."

"Let's go." Sirius made to stride from the flat, face dark with purpose.

"Black." Lily called as James ducked into their bedroom. "I'm pretty sure they'd appreciate it if you were fully dressed." She eyed his towel pointedly, and caught his grin as he swaggered over to her.

"Would they now?" He smirked at her, innuendo plain. Lily just rolled her eyes. If the situation were less pressing, he'd have stayed in front of her, teasing until James made him stop. It wouldn't be the first time since she'd moved in. Now, though, Sirius stepped around her, rushing off to get dressed as James re-emerged in clean clothes.

"How was Connor?" Lily asked.

"A complete prat." He growled, stalking over to her. "You are mine." Her eyebrows peaked in surprise, though she matched the possessiveness in his kiss. She wondered what Connor said to him. Clearly something about her, if James was going about staking his claim.

"Now's not the time, mate." Sirius said from behind them.

"Obviously." James growled against her lips, pressing a quick kiss to the side of her throat before pulling back.

"Connor?" Black winked at her broadly. She made a rude gesture in response, grabbing James' hand to drag him from the flat. They apparated to St. Mungo's, and James stalked straight for the receptionist window. Thankfully, there was no line to be irritated with him.

"James Potter." He snapped. "Looking for my mother. Grace."

"Popular, that one." The witch behind the counter muttered. Lily almost scowled, though Sirius held her back from the window. "No visitors, honey."

"Excuse me?"

"She don't want the likes of you in her room." James was rigid with surprise and fury. "Says right here." She showed him something, and he cursed vividly. "Does not want visits from James Potter."

James jerked around, fury on his face. He stomped back over the them, gaze darting around like he was considering rushing past security anyway. Lily found herself looking around as well. There were severe looking wizards standing guard over every door leading into the hospital. They would have a hell of time getting past.

"I hate that woman sometimes." He muttered eventually, watching Sirius storm over to the window. "You're right though. She's a patient."

"Maybe it's nothing serious." Lily offered, watching Sirius transform from flirtatious to irritated. He argued for several minutes, getting progressively more animated.

"Padfoot!" James called eventually.

"This is bullshit." Sirius growled, following them out. "Bloody woman knows me too well."

"What? That you'd lie and say your name was Potter?" He managed a sideways grin. "I saw that on the paper."

"What paper?"

"Mum filled out a form restricting visitors. You and me are on there, and anyone who's given name is Sirius, no matter what family name he uses."

"Why wouldn't she want visitors?" Sirius demanded petulantly, scowling at the guards posted by the doors leading into the hospital.

"You're guess is as good as mine." She muttered, arms crossed. James was silent, a mask over his face as he looked at the doors. If she knew him less, she'd have thought he wasn't worried in the least. But he only got like this when things were really, really bad. Did he know something they didn't?

"Come on." He said eventually. "We're going to be late."

"Prongs—"

"Later." James snapped, eyes narrowed. He stalked for the apparation points, and Lily and Sirius traded glances before following. _He definitely knows something._ She vowed to come back later. After the meeting. Grace might expect Sirius to take her family name, but would she expect Lily to do the same? James hadn't mentioned any other surnames for her on Grace's list.

"I still can't believe she'd put down a Sirius Potter." Sirius grouched. His complaint weakened the irritation in James. He grinned slightly, shaking his head before apparating to Headquarters. Lily followed a moment before Sirius. They arrived with exactly enough time to see the house explode. A quick charm repelled the flying wood. One of them grabbed her arm, dragging her to the side when Lily would have just stared.

Her brain moved sluggishly. Headquarters was _safe_. They weren't supposed to get attacked here! But things were starting to filter through shock. The ruin of the Prewett's house was surrounded by Death Eaters. _There's another spy._

"We've been sold out." Moody shouted between curses, appearing beside them.

"Where is everyone?" James shouted back, focusing on defense. Lily joined him, letting Moody and Sirius handle the offensive.

"Longbottoms are in the house— _stupefy!_ —with Bones and Deerborn. The brothers were in the house— _reducto!_ —when they attacked."

"Shit!" Sirius barked.

"Diggle and Mckinnon were there, too." More Death Eaters were arriving. Remus joined them, blocking a savage looking curse as he slid to a stop.

"How did they know?" He shouted.

"Figure that out later!" Lily yelled, eyes darting around.

"You two stay over here! Keep their attention away from the house. Potter, you're with Lupin. Find a safe place and get people out of here! _Go!_ " Moody started running. Lily didn't watch him go; there wasn't time to wonder who would have his back. He was making for the next huddle of Order members. She made for a cluster of Death Eaters, knowing without having to look that James would be on her heels. Sirius and Remus would stick together.

"Don't argue!" James shouted at her, when she stopped to make a stand. Lily blocked a jet of red light hastily.

"Wasn't planning on it!" She was glad to have him at her back. She worked better with James than she did Sirius. They volleyed and blocked in turn. Lily could see that most of their attacks were landing, but the crowd of Death Eaters only seemed to grow.

"Voldemort!" James' shout of warning was drowned out by the man's spell. It boomed and echoed, vaporating the remains of the house. Lily staggered as the ground quaked beneath her feet. A crater in the earth marked the spot of their Headquarters. Beyond the crater were scattered bodies of Order members. Lily couldn't tell if they were alive or not, but she ran after James. They were the only on their feet. The only that she could see, at least. They had been farthest from the remains of the house.

James fired a stunner at the Dark Lord—a rather paltry spell in Lily's opinion—but it certainly got the man's attention. James followed with a much stronger curse. It was one she didn't recognize, but what did it matter? She would have encouraged him to use Unforgivables in this moment. Voldemort turned the whole of his attention on them. Lily had a moment of terrible foreboding before his curse struck her shield-charm and shattered it. James fired another curse, and Lily readied another protective shield.

They went back and forth endlessly. They couldn't hold their ground. Voldemort was driving them back. Lily was aware of the circle of Death Eaters around them. There was only so far they could retreat. She had to put her back to James'; trust that he could match Voldemort. The Death Eaters weren't idle. She blocked their curses, firing her own offensives when they gave her a moment. She ached from the effort. She'd never appreciated just how much effort it took to cast and recast charms. Her wand arm ached like she was taking the force of their spells on a physical shield.

"Fuck!" She felt James dive, and whirled.

" _Sectumsempra!_ " She shouted. Voldemort knocked the curse away, inadvertenly redirecting it at someone standing beside him. Lily growled with savage glee, forced to block twice before she could strike again. It was short lived victory. The ache came back in her arm, twice as strong. Distracting. Her jaw ached from being clenched.

They were far beyond the apparation barrier. She and James could have been gone in an instant. But they couldn't retreat. Not yet. They had to be a distraction; buy time for the Order to get away. Curses started flying beyond the circle. Briefly.

" _Get out of there!_ " Moody's voice shouted from somewhere. Lily was distracted, locked in her volley with Voldemort. The order registered, but she couldn't carry it out. Where was safe? Hands grabbed her shoulders, and she was drug into suffocating darkness before she even realized someone had her.

She stumbled onto the lawn of the Potter mansion, feeling the heat before she saw it. Lily looked up, unable to do anything more than gape. The mansion was an inferno.

"James!" She grabbed him when he would have ran forward. She clung to him, getting drug forward a few feet. "James, she's not there!" Thank Merlin Grace had gone to St. Mungo's. "Ja— _protego!_ " He flinched, jerking around. A trio of masked Death Eaters sniggered. She tightened her grip on James' arm, dragging him after her as she apparated to his flat. Lily looked around wildly, but the alley was dark and quiet. There were no Death Eaters here.

" _Why didn't—_ "

"Don't yell at me, James." Lily stumbled along the wall, trembling with exertion. "Grace wasn't there. It's a bloody house." She looked up and down the street. It was perfectly muggle without the least trace of Death Eaters. She exhaled shakily. "We need to find the others." She twisted to look at him. James was panting as much as she was, face white. He ignored her words, backing her into the side of the building. He kissed her, mouth moving over her frantically.

"We're alive." He breathed between kisses. Lily groaned, arms tight around him. _We're alive._ His words echoed through her head, and it wasn't until that moment she allowed herself to think of how close it had come. If they hadn't gone to St. Mungo's and been half-late to the meeting… Her hands skimmed across his shoulders and back, searching for injury as he kissed her senseless. She hardly noticed his hands mapping a similar path across her body.

They'd dueled Voldemort and came out almost unscathed. She hissed in a painful breath as James' hand found a cut on her leg. James growled when her seeking touch found the burn on the back of his shoulder. But there was no worse injury on him. Neither of them was missing a limb; they weren't even close to it. They were _alive!_

She came back to herself only when she shivered from the cold breeze against her torso. His lips were against her throat, and he had her shirt pulled half-up, hands sliding over her sides and back. Lily groaned softly, heating chasing through her body.

"James." She eased his hands from her, tugging her shirt back down.

"Lily…" She kissed him, meaning for it to be short. But she wanted to be molded to him. They were _alive_.

"Merlin." She jerked back, leaning against the wall. "James, we need…" He ducked to nibble on her throat. "We need to find the others." She said breathlessly.

"I know." He growled, eyes dark. "But… And you…" He kissed her again. Lily couldn't find it in herself to push him back. She felt the same.

"I've read something about this." She mumbled against his lips. "Lifethreatening situations can trigger your arousal centers—"

"Just shut up." He laughed, amused and exasperated at once. She grinned, running her fingers through his hair. She considered abandoning duty entirely. Considered dragging him to the flat, finding a bed, and never leaving it.

Twin pops of apparation separated them like they'd been stung. Lily leveled her wand, almost firing a preemptive curse. But Sirius and Remus were stumbling and cursing their way down the alley, little more than a tangle of limbs. Sirius was covered in blood.

"Sirius!" Lily gasped, tripping over James to get to him.

"It's a bloody scratch." He gasped through his teeth, white a snow.

"Scratch, my ass." Remus snarled, hefting him up when Sirius sagged.

"What happened?" James demanded, taking his other side. Lily ran ahead to get the doors open, worry coursing through her.

"They blew my place to the sky." Remus answered. "All of our safe-houses, James. Someone sold us out."

"Son of a bitch."

"Bloody idiot saved my life and nearly got himself impaled for his trouble."

"Deserved it." Sirius grunted as they dumped him on his bed.

"No you bloody didn't." Remus swiped tears away impatiently. James shoved him out of the way, eyes narrowed at the gaping hole in Sirius' side. She swayed, bile rising in her throat.

"Should he go to St. Mungo's?" Lily asked.

"Mum's a healer." James said through his teeth. "I know a few tricks."

"That's what he said." Remus groaned, hovering anxiously.

"Go fix tea." James ordered, flapping a hand at him. "I can't focus with you hovering over me."

"Right. Tea." He turned woodenly, heading for the kitchen. Lily stayed, joining James on the bed to help him ease Sirius out of his ruined shirt.

"Always knew you wanted a threesome." Sirius teased weakly.

"Keep dreaming, love." She whispered, running her fingers through his hair soothingly while James busied himself with healing charms.

"I will."

"Keep him awake." James murmured, gaze flicking briefly to her.

"He's a bossy one, isn't he?" Lily directed the question to Sirius, catching James' smirk.

"Let him boss you around in bed?"

"Hm, I think he'd prefer taking the orders." She winked at her boyfriend, catching his scowl.

"Witch."

"That's a pleasant thought." Sirius sighed.

"You've a dirty mind, my friend." Lily teased.

"It's the best kind, love." He was fading fast. She cast around desperately for a way to keep the conversation going without getting too vulgar.

"Tell me, Black, when will you be settling down?"

"When I find a girl like you." He mumbled, looking up at her with unequal pupils.

"Like me?" Her voice was softer than she meant it to be. Sirius gave her a ghost of a grin.

"Find me my Lily Evans, Evans."

"Challenge accepted." James nodded at her. The skin of his stomach was knit together and the bleeding had stopped. She guessed that Sirius would have a scar from it. She helped James situate him more naturally on the bed and spent a moment tucking a blanket around him after James walked out.

"—bastard." Remus was whispering when she left the bedroom. "You know he only did that because of what happened." There was anguish in his expression. His eyes were red and blotchy from tears.

"You know that's not true." James argued softly.

"He could have _died!_ "

"He would have done that even if he didn't try to feed Snape to you." Lily winced, taking careful steps backwards. "Sirius is as loyal as they come. You know that Moony."

"I just…"

"It's not your fault." When they were silent for a minute, Lily left the hallway like she hadn't been lurking there. Remus was still brushing away tears, shoulders shaking.

"What now?" She asked, glancing between them.

"Lay low." Remus answered gruffly. "Moody will send a patronus when we have a new meeting place. Merlin knows how we're going to be sure of people anymore."

"Right." James muttered. His gaze landed on her and lingered. Lily bit her lip, seeing arousal in his eyes.

"Do you mind if I stay here?"

"Sure." James agreed distractedly. "Padfoot won't mind."

"Thanks." Finally, Remus reached for the teapot, lifting it with hands that shook. "Do you want tea?"

"No." Lily answered for them both. "We'll be back." She knew it was less than subtle, but she was far beyond caring. She grabbed a fistful of James' shirt to drag him after her, pointedly ignoring the faint smile that appeared on Remus' face. She shut the door behind them, locking it and casting a sound-shield with two flicks of her wrist.

"Lils—"

"Shut up." She threw her arms around him, kissing him deeply. Fear of the past was the furthest thing from her mind. She was solidly in the here and now, unconcerned with anything except the man before her. Even the future could wait a few hours.

* * *

His fingers traced a idle path over her bare hip. A lazy grin was painted on her lips. It reminded her of so long ago at Hogwarts when he'd asked her out for the last time. If she closed her eyes, she could fool herself into thinking they were in that moment.

"Knut for your thoughts." James murmured.

"Thinking about Hogwarts." She answered, turning her head to look at him. "When I finally agreed to date you."

"Finally." He grinned lazily. "A good sentiment for that." She chuckled softly, returning her eyes to the ceiling. _I'd give anything not to leave this moment._ She closed her eyes, wondering if she'd ever have it again. She didn't want to admit it to herself, but she'd have given anything in that moment to be ignorant to the Order. To not have the weight of responsibility pressing down on her chest. She looked at James again. He was watching her with a fond smile. Content.

 _What I wouldn't give to be able to live only in the moment_. Lily felt herself sigh, eyes sliding shut. She focused on the feeling of his fingers on her hip. Was this what he felt? What he'd come to terms with already. This desperate desire to hold onto something precious; something happy despite the horrors happening outside of these four walls. Her heart was hammering in her ears. She didn't want to lose this. How could she hold onto it? Every moment was so fleeting. She knew the answer. He'd given it to her months ago, and she was the fool that took this long to realize it.

"Would you hate me if I asked you to marry me?" She whispered, opening her eyes to judge his reaction. His hand stilled on her hip. His expression became unreadable.

"I won't dignify that with an answer." He rolled from her, laying on his back. Lily stared at him for a minute, lips parted with surprise. Was this how he'd felt when she said no?

"I love you." She said quietly. "I had the wrong ideas of what marriage was when you asked me. I… I've seen what your parents had. And I don't even want that. I want what we have." James was staring determinedly at the ceiling. Lily swallowed hard, sitting up in order to lean over him. To force him to see her. "James, a thousand times I thought you'd leave me, and you never have. You've seen me at my worst, and I was taught that perfection was the only way to keep a man around. I know I have no right to ask this of you after everything I've put you through. But I love you, and I want to spend every minute of every day with you. Until death do us part." He still wasn't looking at her. Lily touched his cheek, swallowing back tears. "Please say something."

"You haven't asked a question." His voice was hoarse.

"Marry me." _Finally_ , his eyes turned to find hers. "Please, James."

"That's still not a question." Mischief danced in his eyes. Lily smacked his shoulder.

"I'm not joking! James—" He surged up, flipping them over to cover her.

"It's a simple question."

"Will you marry me?" She breathed, chest tight. If he said no…

"I've waiting nine months." His voice was low and husky. His lips brushed across hers. "Nine fucking months, Evans." He kissed her deeply. Lily kissed him back, heart still stuttering, because he hadn't said 'yes' yet. It _sounded_ right, but she needed that confirmation.

"James, it's a yes or no question." She reminded him softly, feeling him smile before he pulled back to look at her.

"Agonizing, isn't it?" He teased, grinning broadly.

"James."

"I asked you nine months ago, didn't I?"

"You could have changed your mind in that time." Could he feel her trembling?

"It's a little atypical, isn't it?" He cocked his head to the side. "The girl asking the guy."

" _James Potter_." Lily hissed. "Will you just say 'yes' already?"

"Yes." He kissed her again. "Yes, yes, yes." He kissed his way down her throat, humming against her skin. Relief flooded her veins for a brief moment.

She _thought_ he'd be happy. But James was off her and across the room just a minute later. Lily swallowed hard, sitting up to watch him rummage through his discarded cloak. He returned, hand tight around something. He perched on the bed beside her eyes bright.

"Lily Evans, will you marry me?"

"I…yes?" She frowned. "You did just hear me ask you that same question, right?" James grinned, catching her left hand in his.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, James. I want to marry you."

"Sure?"

" _James Potter!_ " She grabbed him, kissing him fiercely. They tumbled back on the bed, tangled in each other.

"Hm, wait." He pushed her back despite her growl, trapping her left hand again. He fit a ring onto her finger, and Lily lost her breath. They spent a moment just staring as the ring reshaped itself to fit her perfectly. She bit her lip. It was a modest stone set into a band of intricate design. "Like it?"

"I love it." Lily told him honestly. "I love you more."

"I love you, too." He kissed her softly.

"James…" She traced the line of his jaw with gentle fingers. "We should…probably keep this quiet for a while." His eyebrows rose. "You know, considering we were just attacked, and probably lost a significant number of our brothers?" She winced slightly.

"You feel guilty?"

"I can't." She admitted. "Not about this. I've wanted this since before your dad died."

"I want to shout it from the rooftops." James sighed, smoothing her hair from her face. "But you're right."

"I'm not taking the ring off."

"Good."

"I'm just trying to be conscientious."

"Lily, has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?" She would have denied his statement, but she was suddenly too busy kissing him to speak. And then she didn't even care.


	21. Shadows

She stood before the mirror in the bathroom, examining herself for even the slightest of changes. No matter how she twisted or narrowed her eyes at her reflection, nothing changed. Nothing except the ring on her left hand. It didn't make her look any different. She wasn't standing taller; there wasn't an extra twinkle in her eye; she wasn't even grinning like a maniac. She was still the same. _So why do I feel so different?_ Lily cocked her head to the side, feeling as though her engagement to James was stamped in big, bold letters on her forehead. Steam from the shower finally obscured her reflection enough that she gave up with a sigh and ducked behind the curtain.

It was her own stupid idea to keep their new status a secret, even from the rest of the Marauders. She couldn't berate herself too much, though she wished James would be a little more relaxed about it. Taking a shower together wasn't anything new for them. In reality, it was almost more suspicious that James was pointedly avoiding joining her. _Damn it, woman!_ Lily nearly laughed at herself aloud. She might not look any different on the outside, but her insides were quivering with nervous excitement and anticipation. Jame was right—it was very tempting to find a tall rooftop and shout to the world that she'd won James Potter all to herself.

 _I shouldn't be happy._ It was a chilling thought, but altogether not unreasonable. Grace Potter was in St. Mungo's and refusing company. The Order had been betrayed yesterday. Headquarters was destroyed, and they were still waiting for word to know how many had been killed. Their position right now was not comforting. Lily examined her ring again, wondering for the hundredth time where relationships fit into war. Was it wrong for her to be happy despite it all?

She snapped the water off, determined to ignore her guilt. It was perfectly okay for her to be happy with James. She would fight no less for the Order because of him. She'd fight _harder_ to be able to keep what they had. Was that not enough? She refused to let herself answer that thought, seeking breakfast. Remus was sitting at the table skimming through the Daily Prophet. James shot her a smirk and a wink from the kitchen, passing her a plate of eggs and toast.

"Thanks." She grinned, forcing herself to act normal and sit beside Remus to eat.

"Sleep well?" Remus asked, straight-faced.

"Very well, thank you." Lily answered primly. "How's Sirius?"

"Complaining loudly."

"Hurting?"

"No, but he hates being infirm." Remus grinned as Sirius shouted angry expletives from the bedroom in response. She snorted, battling the urge to roll her eyes. "Thanks for letting me crash here, by the way."

"No big deal, mate" James sighed, ruffling his hair. "We got word from Moody, by the way Lils. We're supposed to sit tight until he decides on a safe place for us to meet."

"Sit and do nothing?"

"Don't sound so offended." He chided. "You'll have plenty of chances to get back at them."

"I will hurt you." She grumbled, taking a rather fierce stab at her breakfast. Remus coughed to cover a laugh and quickly excused himself from the table to check on the still-cursing Sirius Black.

"I'll go take a shower then." James, too, retreated quickly. Lily stuck her tongue out at his back. Her gaze dropped almost immediately back to her ring though. Would she never tire of admiring the thing? _Sit tight._ It was an infuriating command. She tapped on her lip, frowning. So they'd have to wait to learn of the damage of yesterday's fight. Bugger. _But!_ She straightened, glancing warily at the doors to the two bedrooms. She snatched her cloak and slipped from the flat without bothering to pause. Surely James wouldn't be happy with her running off alone, but just as surely, St. Mungo's would be wary of him now. They'd catch the ruse if he was with her.

There was no line at the receptionist counter. A different wizard sat there, staring at the lobby looking bored out of his mind.

"Name?" He grunted.

"Lily Potter." She answered without hesitation. "Here to see Grace Potter."

"Okay. Here's your badge, and if you'll just wait over there someone will be down to get you in a moment." He gestured to the collection of chairs near the entrance, expression not changing in the slightest. Lily accepted the visitor's badge.

"I can find my way around if—"

"Grace is in isolation." He interrupted. "You'll have to be escorted, Ms. Potter. If you'll just have a seat?"

"Thank you." She said woodenly, turning towards the indicated chairs. _Isolation?_ She sat, turning the badge over in her hands rather than pin it to her cloak. Her mouth was suddenly dry. Her mind whirled, trying to come up with reasons for Grace to be in isolation.

"Potter?" She started, looking up quickly.

"Me." Lily rose quickly, rushing towards the mediwitch.

"I see." The woman gave her a careful once over. "If you'll follow me." They went to the lifts, shooting up several floors. They had to be near the top of the hospital. Trepidation kept her silent. Lily was ushered into an office, and she didn't get a chance to protest before the door was shut behind her.

"Grace worked here for fifty years." The wizard behind the desk stated, fingers laced together. "Never once did she mention having a daughter. You must be Lily Evans."

"Yes." She agreed slowly, twisting James' ring around her finger. "I'm engaged to her son."

"Engaged?" His eyebrows rose. "She didn't say."

"It's new."

"I would say." He gestured to the chair in front of his desk. "Have a seat miss Evans."

"Are you going to lecture?" Lily asked dryly, perching on the chair. "All I want is to know what's going on."

"I understand." He said slowly, massaging his temples. "And I disagree with Grace's decision to exclude her family from this." He eyed her carefully. "We've had an outbreak of dragonpox, miss Evans."

"D-dragonpox?"

"What do you know of it?"

"It's deadly." Lily whispered, feeling the blood drain from her face. "And there's no cure. It… It kills quickly, doesn't it?"

"It's an insidious disease." He deflected. "Grace was something of an expert in it. Much more so than I. She came in when she heard what was happening."

"Sir…" Lily struggled to breathe, fearing what he wasn't saying. "Please just let me see her."

"She is in isolation."

"There are barriers!" She cried, vaulting to her feet. "So I can speak with her without being exposed!" He blinked, unimpressed by her outburst. "Take me to her, or I will stun you and anyone who gets in my way."

"Bloody hell." He pushed back from his desk, and then he started to laugh. Lily scowled, not seeing the amusement in this situation. "You sound like a damn Potter already." Her stomach swooped, and Lily tried to smile. It didn't exactly come across as a compliment. Still chuckling, he waved her from the office, leading her down the corridor. A few turns later and they came to a long hallway. "Third door on the left." He told her.

Lily walked forward hesitantly. Sounds of agony came from the rooms she passed, and her heart fell a little more with each step she took. Finally she stopped at the third door, trying to school her expression steady. Her breath came out shaky.

"Ah, damn." Grace said weakly from within the room.

"Grace…" Her legs almost gave out. Lily touched the magic separating them, taking in the deep pox marks on Grace's face and arms.

"It's ironic really." She smiled despite it all. "I spent my life studying dragonpox, searching for a cure."

"There has to be something." Lily whispered numbly.

"Not for dragonpox." She shook her head slightly. "But look at the Prophet. Yesterday's Prophet. Page six." Grace started coughing. Lily ached with the need to support her. It felt like something was dying inside her. "Don't look at me like that."

"Why not?" She forced tears back, reminding herself sternly that she'd come here to scold this woman. To force her to accept her son's company.

"There are worse ways to die." Grace hid the cloth she'd used to cover her cough, but Lily saw the blood anyway. She moaned low in her throat, pressing her forehead to the magic separating them. "How was the meeting yesterday?"

"Fine." Lily croaked, hearing the echo of Voldemort's maniacal laugh in her ears. "Normal."

"Do anything exciting after?" Grace nodded encouragingly, desperation in her eyes. "Did James take you out?"

"Um, we, ah…stayed in." She felt herself blushing. The ring was heavy on her finger. It was James' privledge to tell his mother...right?

"Oh." Grace's face fell. "I don't have the right to ask you this, but you'll look after him, won't you? Whether you love him or not—"

"I love your son, Grace." Lily interrupted, resting her forehead against the magic. "How long do you have?"

"A day." She answered, not shaky in the least. "Two if I'm unlucky."

"Unlucky?"

"I will be with my husband soon." A sad smile was painted on Grace's face. "And my son has three of the most wonderful friends in the world and you for as long as you'll have him."

"We're engaged." The words left her without conscious prompting, answering the quiet question in Grace's words. How long would she stay with her son? Grace's mouth fell open, and naked joy entered her expression.

"He asked you?" She breathed.

"I asked him." Lily met her gaze, trying to see past the pox marks. To see the woman she'd come to love. "Please let him see you." The request came out soft and pleading. Lily knew she was crying, and for the first time in her life, she did nothing to hide her tears.

"I don't want him to see my like this." Grace touched her face, mouth twisted.

"I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my parents." Lily whispered, aching in strange and uncomfortable ways. "James didn't get a chance to say goodbye to his father. Please, Grace. I'd have given anything to speak with my mother one last time. Give that to him. It would hurt him worse to know that you'd turned him away, than for him to see you like this. Don't do this alone." For a long minute, Grace said nothing, shoulders shaking from quiet tears.

"Will you… Will you tell him to come?" Grace whispered.

"I'll go get him now." She pushed away from the magic.

"Lily?" She paused, half-turned. "Please don't come back. Women are twice as susceptible—I…" Grace coughed violently, and Lily had to look away. Her chest was tight. "I love you, Lily Evans. You've no idea… I'm so happy he found you."

"Thank you." Lily croaked. She wished she could make her voice steadier, but there wasn't a way to hide her pain. "For everything you've done for me." She touched the magic once, briefly, trying to express all of her gratitude and love in a single look. She couldn't find words for it; but Grace seemed to understand.

Then Lily was running. She flew past the wizard—probably some sort of head Healer—deaf to his shout. She didn't even know his name. Lily didn't slow; didn't have the patience to wait for a lift to take her down. She raced down endless flights of stairs, needing to be moving. Several muttered at her as she shoved past them, but Lily didn't care. She apparated to the flat, trying to get her tears under control as she trotted up the stairs. She walked in to three wands leveled at her.

"It's just me." Her words were thick with emotion. Lily held up her hands to show she wasn't armed, keeping her eyes on the floor.

"What part of 'sit tight' is so hard to understand?" James snapped, relieved and worried at once. "Moody explicitly said—"

"James, you need to go to St. Mungo's."

"What?"

"Your mother." She couldn't bring herself to look at him. "I went in as Lily Potter. They let me up to see her. James… You need to go."

"Lils, you're scaring me." She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat.

"There's…an outbreak." She spoke slowly, trying not to break down all over again. "Dragonpox." She forced herself to look at him; saw the horror play out on all of their faces. "James, I… I'm sorry." He bolted, flying from the flat without a word. Sirius started after him, and then tripped over himself to stop. He wavered with uncertainty, swaying on his feet.

"Shit…" He ran his hands through his hair, all of hell on his face.

"Sirius." The weight of the world was crashing down on her again. "Just go." Those hours last night were an illusion. The bright light of happiness she'd felt with James was a lie. She could not be free of the war. Death was in her shadow, suffocating and ever-present. She collapsed onto the couch, pressing her hands to her face.

"Do you want tea?" Remus asked quietly.

"No." She wrapped her arms around herself. "Thank you." He sat beside her, fingers laced together and resting in his lap. They stayed there for hours, shoulders just touching, waiting for James and Sirius to return. Lily felt hollow. She couldn't cry anymore. She didn't want to cry; didn't want to feel any emotion.

Darkness invaded the flat as the bright day slipped away. It turned to evening and was fading to true night. And still, neither of them moved. It was pitch black in the flat, and still they sat in silent vigil.

Finally, the door opened and two bodies came through. One was staggering badly, unable to stay upright without help. Remus was off the couch in an instant, rushing to help his friends. She stayed still, watching impassively while they carted the staggering body to Sirius' bedroom. She would have expected the drunk one to be James. Or maybe Sirius' injuries had simply caught up to him. A lone figure walked quite steadily across the dark flat—one shadow moving against the rest. He vanished into their bedroom, and she knew she needed to follow him. But she couldn't bring herself to move.

James did not re-emerge.

She was alone in the darkness, able to see only the faint outline of furniture in the dark flat. She heard the tick of the clock over the mantel. She was aware of her own heartbeat. She rose mechanically, walking to the bedroom. There was a lump on the bed, curled in a ball. She slid into the bed behind him, curling around him.

"All I see is death." James whispered brokenly. "There's no end to this."

"The only certainty in life is death."

"That's not very comforting."

"I see him too, James. Death is in my shadow, following me. The only choice we have is how we meet him."

"I'm tired, Lils."

"Sleep." She murmured, summoning his invisibility cloak. "Like this." She covered them with it. "Now death can't find us."

"Please don't leave me."

"I'm going to marry you, James Potter. I'm not going anywhere."

She listened to his breathing. She could feel his heartbeat beneath her hand. She rested her chin on the back of his shoulder. She wished there was something better she could've said to help ease his pain. But Lily didn't have the first clue how to comfort him. This was a demon they shared. She had no way to get herself from the blackness spreading through the world. She could not help him from it.

Sleeping beneath the invisibility cloak was a paltry move; playing off his story of the Deathly Hallows. But the cloak was silky and comforting. She heard his breathing even out. She was glad he could sleep. Maybe that meant she'd said the right thing. Lily nuzzled into him, wishing she could see a path from the darkness. _Can we win this thing? Can we rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes?_

* * *

Three days later, she stood beside James. They stood before the graves of his parents, hours after the last of the well-wishers had left. They stood together in the pouring rain, and even though she was soaked to the skin and frozen down to her bones, Lily was very glad it wasn't sunny out. She wanted the weather to match the darkness in her heart. Her cheek rested against James' shoulder. She wondered which of them was the one giving comfort. She knew it was her moment to step up and be there for him, but she couldn't find the words to be comforting. Caring. _I'm a terrible girlfriend. Fiancée._

"We should go." James mumbled eventually.

"M'kay." She squeezed his hand, but still they didn't move.

"Lily?"

"Hm?"

"I'm glad you're here."

"Where else would I be?" She murmured.

"I dunno. Anywhere." He turned from the graves, wrapping his arms around her. "Off with some other guy in bar laughing at whatever he says—"

"You thought about that a lot, didn't you?"

"Yeah." He nuzzled her, arms tight. "Lils, this isn't an appropriate time, but… Will you take my name after we're married?"

"Hm." She shifted, looping her arms more comfortably around his neck. "It would get awfully confusing if we both went by James, but—"

"Lily!"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it." She leaned back, offering a weak smile. He was grinning, too, so she counted it as a victory. "I quite like the sound of Lily Potter." She brushed a few loose strands of hair from his face.

"So that's a yes?"

"Of course, James."

"In my defense, you never know these days." He made a face at her. "Feminism and all that crap, you know?" He kept her arms in his, finally walking away from the graves. "Not that I have anything wrong against the concept of equal rights, mind you. But—"

"You read the gossip columns of the Prophet too much." Lily teased.

"Says the girls who was frantic to get her hands on a copy of the Prophet not four days ago." He rolled his eyes pointedly. "What was so important about that issue anyways?"

"I'll tell you when I figure it out." She said primly, flushing just a bit. She hadn't remembered the exact issue or page that Grace had told her to look at. Grace had passed before she had a chance to clarify. Lily was hesitant to bring up his mother, so she let James shrug it off as they walked through the quiet town of Godric's Hollow. He stopped inexplicably at a gate to one of the houses.

"I know you said you didn't want the nice house with a garden." James said quietly, glancing at the house. "But this was my parents' place. Their first house together." Lily looked at it, trying to be objective. On the outside, it was quaint and unique—as every house in this town appeared to be. "I'm not asking you to move in there with me, but will you stay with me for just the night? I'm…tired of running over Moony and Padfoot every time I turn around."

"I don't mind." Lily kissed his cheek. With a faint grin, he unlatched the gate and waved her through. She wondered if he meant this as a test.

"We used to come here in the summers before I started Hogwarts." James said, flipping on the lights as they went in. "My grandparents—mum's parents—lived just down the street. Dad always said they moved to the mansion because he was tired of the in-laws practically living in their house." She laughed quietly, wandering through the house slowly. It was modest compared to the mansion. This place didn't breathe money.

"I always assumed the mansion had been in your family for a while."

"Oh it had." He shrugged carelessly. "Dad's parents died before I was born, and it was their place. Hence 'Potter' mansion, you know?"

"Ah." Lily wrinkled her nose at him. She went through to the kitchen. It wasn't as spacious as the mansion's kitchen, but she could tell Grace had made some upgrades.

"It bothers you, doesn't it?"

"Hm?"

"That I come from money." James leaned against the doorframe, watching her closely. She rolled her eyes.

"It does, a little." She admitted, tracing a pattern in the granite of the countertop. "My family has nothing compared to yours. _I_ am completely broke, and even if the Order could be considered a job, it doesn't pay anything. If my parents left me anything, Petunia's not saying. I've written to her twice, and she hasn't responded. I am living on your generosity, James, and I know you don't care. I know it's technically part of the package of us getting married, but it makes me feel like a gold-digger. At least a little bit."

"Lily, I'm perfectly aware you're not dating me for my money."

"I know." She sighed. "I know you know. It's still a little weird."

"Working for the Order is a job." He pushed away from the door to approach her. "And frankly I admire your dedication to it." He paused briefly, bracing his hands on the counter on either side of her. "I'm annoyed by it sometimes, but mostly I admire you."

"What do you think will happen?" Lily murmured, hooking her thumbs in the top of his jeans.

"Can we not talk about it tonight?"

"Would you rather christen the kitchen?" She grinned.

"I have thought about that." James admitted, glancing around. "But I'm pretty sure I can guess that my dad did something similar with my mother, which is honestly kind of a massive turn off." He pecked her lips. "No offense."

"I-I don't think I can be offended by that." Lily shook her head, forbidding her mind to come up with mental images of Grace and Howard.

"You never know. I could have been made on these counters."

"Ew! James that's disgusting!"

"I got ten galleons for every time I walked in on them." He was smirking, and Lily couldn't quite tell if he was being serious.

"That's just wrong."

"It's how I could afford my first broom."

" _James Potter!_ "

"I'm kidding." He laughed. "You should see your face, Evans."

"That is just terrible to even think about!" She pushed her way out of his arms, shuddering. "Merlin!"

"I'm not actually kidding." He winked broadly. This time she just rolled her eyes and huffed, stomping out to the family room. He had to be kidding…right? Because she couldn't look at him properly, Lily studied the photos they had all over the place. Dozens of young James' stared at her from those photos—stared and waved then went back to whatever he'd been doing when those pictures had been taken. Lily bit her lip. The photos that had his family in them oozed love. When she finally looked at James, he'd lost all of his humor. He was staring at a picture of his parents on their wedding day.

"Lily, what are we going to do for our wedding?"

"We're going to do exactly what I told Bellatrix and Narcissa at the fundraiser." She answered softly. "Have a small, intimate wedding. Just friends."

"No family?"

"If you have family left, they're more than welcome to come." She shrugged, replacing the picture of James as an infant carefully. "Petunia certainly won't, and she's all the family I have left."

"Friends, then."

"Sirius." Lily said, drawing his gaze to her. "We'll take Sirius down to be our witness, and avoid a fight over whether he's going to be your best man or my maid of honor. And—"

"Wait just a moment. He's _my_ best man!"

"I would fight you for him."

"Maid of honor's supposed to be a girl, Evans."

"Yeah? Well Black's the only reason we got our shit worked out, right?" Lily rolled her eyes at him. "So yes, I would fight you for him. And let me tell you Potter, I fight dirty."

"Honey, I am a Marauder. You don't want to mess with me." He tried to glower at her, ruining it by the twitching of his lips as he fought off a smile.

"I think I can handle you Potter." She tried very hard to not blink, knowing that her eye was twitching for it. James opened his mouth for a retort and paused.

"Yeah. Yeah you can." He met her gaze, and then they were laughing together, bordering on hysterics. Lily laughed until she had tears in her eyes, and James was wheezing beside her.

"Okay, okay." She gasped eventually, trying to regain her breath. "We take Sirius down with us to be all official. Then we meet our friends at a pub and celebrate there."

"Lils…"

"Nice and quiet, and appropriate for the war time atmosphere. Right?"

"Yeah, but…" Disagreement was written all over his face. "I wanted something a bit more…well _more_. An actual ceremony." Lily didn't want to admit it, but she shared the sentiment. She pursed her lips, frowning.

"If we do that now, then we make the Order into a target." She sighed. "Because let's face it. Practically everyone we'd invite is in the Order."

"True."

"So we do the little thing first, and get married because I don't want a five year engagement. Then, when this war is over, we can redo the wedding in full profligacy and spend extravagant amounts of money on it. Invite a bunch of people we barely know and have an excuse to have a night be all about us. Good?"

"Sort of." James frowned. "I don't know what profligacy means, but—"

"A fucking extravagant wedding, Potter."

"I want to do it right the first time." He complained, running a hand through his hair.

"When have we ever done something right the first time?" Lily scowled. "Our whole relationship is built on second chances—millionth chance if we're counting how many times you asked me out before I said yes." She raised an eyebrow at him. "I can live with doing it one more time."

"We could always wait." James offered. "I mean, just knowing—"

"No." She disagreed. "Just knowing that we'll be married someday isn't good enough for me, James. If I die tomorrow, I want to die as your wife."

"That is a complete one-eighty on everything you've said up to this point. Merlin, I can't keep up with you sometimes!"

"James—"

"Stop. I'm being stupid." He trapped her face in his hands. "I would marry you tomorrow, but Sirius will kill me if he doesn't get a chance to plan my bachelor party."

"There's going to be naked women." Lily scowled.

"He's been promising it for years."

"Fine."

"Really?"

"I'll commission Marlene to have naked men at my bachelorette party." Lily crossed her arms, daring him to argue. "See if I won't."

"How about we skip the naked people and just get married tomorrow?"

"Fine."

"Fine." He kissed her then, and Lily didn't even think about the implications of their agreement. She had no idea if James was serious about it, or if it was playful banter. _Marlene will kill me if I don't wear a white dress_. She put it to the side, too busy following James up the stairs to find a bedroom. She could figure out how serious they were tomorrow.


	22. Cold Truths

Lily woke slowly, trapped beneath James' arm. She cracked her eyes open, wondering what the time was. A glowing white lynx was staring at her from the edge of the bed. She sat up with a gasp, jerking the sheet up to cover herself even though she knew it didn't matter.

" _Hogsmeade. Three Broomsticks._ " Moody's voice came from his patronus. " _Two. Be discreet. There may be listeners._ " It vanished after that, and behind her, James let out a shaky breath.

"What a way to wake up." He grumbled, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Yeah." Lily pulled herself from bed, glancing at the clock. They had four hours before the meeting.

"Come back." James whined. She rolled her eyes at him, wandering to the bathroom across the hall. She splashed water on her face, uncertain of what she should be thinking. Was it worth reminding James of their agreement last night? Had it all been a joke? She chewed on her lip, wondering which way she wanted it to fall. James deserved better than a visit to a clerk's office and a night out for their wedding. Poor bloke had fought long and hard to get her to this point. She grinned, wondering what his reaction would be if she told him her thoughts in so many words.

 _Do I deserve better, too? Do I want more?_ She just wanted to not fight with him. She wanted to spend her life with him. It didn't much matter how they accomplished those two things. Whether they burned his fortune on elaborate decorations and a flamboyant party or went through the paperwork without even telling anybody didn't make much of a difference to her. Surely this meant she wasn't normal. Most of the girls she'd known had their weddings planned down to the last detail before they even found their man. They'd dreamed of that mystical day for years and years before it finally happened.

 _And here I never once thought about it._ She left the bathroom, heart aching. If she'd thought about marriage at all, she'd always assumed her mother would take care of it all for her. And now she was alone. No family behind her to put their stamp of approval on her man. His parents had loved her, but they were gone too. _Death._ It followed in her shadow, ever present and waiting for her turn.

James was up and dressed, much to her surprise, when she ventured back into the bedroom. He stared out the window, a mask over his features. Her clothes were laid out neatly on the bed, charmed dry and wrinkle-free. She waited for him to turn, dressing slowly. James gave no indication that he heard her.

"Wanna talk about it?" Lily asked softly.

"No."

"Want some tea?"

"Moony's getting to you, isn't he?"

"I'll go make tea then." Lily left him standing by the window, heading to the kitchen. She _thought_ she knew him well enough to step around his current mood. He'd need time to brood and mope. Grieve. He'd come around eventually. Whether he sought her counsel or found it in Sirius didn't matter. She would not be jealous of the depth of his friendships. If anything, she envied him for having friends he could trust above all else.

"Knut—" She jumped and whirled with her wand leveled. "For your thoughts." James finished, holding up his hands to show they were empty. Lily grinned sheepishly, dropping her arm to her side.

"Nothing worth sharing." She shrugged, gesturing to the cup of tea waiting for him.

"Those tend to be the ones that are most worrisome." James went to the opposite side of the island, leaning against the counter to watch her.

"It's not worrisome." Lily shook her head. "Just thinking about you and your friends. All good things." She grinned. "For once."

"You're sure?"

"Very." She squeezed his hand gently. "You're a lucky man."

"Because I'm marrying you." His gaze was soft and loving, but the statement left a hard edge in the air. Lily left her hand in his.

"Today, or…?" Her voice came out barely over a whisper.

"What do you want?"

"You." Lily admitted with a weak grin. "I don't really care for the details of how that happens."

"Sweet." James murmured, kissing her palm gently. "But not exactly helpful in this moment."

"Don't be mean." She wrinkled her nose. "I don't know. What do _you_ want?"

"Whatever you want."

"Cute, but equally unhelpful." Lily heaved a sigh, glancing around the dusty kitchen. "Is it fair to wait until after the meeting to decide?"

"More than fair." James finally laughed, shaking his head slightly. "You're much more serious about this than I thought you were last night."

" _I_ thought _you_ were serious about it." She snorted, stepping around the island so she could wrap her arms around him. "I'm just going along with the crazy things you say."

"It's not that crazy." He grumbled, arms tightening around her. She accepted his kiss, dizzy with the realization that this would be forever. Fiercely happy and panicked in the same breath.

Lily separated herself from him, holding fast to his hand but pulling James from the house. She said something about wanting a shower before the meeting as a reason for leaving. But inside she was running. _I'm not ready to jump in today._ The realization was uncomfortable, because she wanted nothing more than to be Lily Potter from now on. They apparated back to the flat, though James tugged her close at the bottom of the stairs, spending several long minutes just snogging her before they had to face Sirius and Remus. Thoughts of running left her as quickly as they'd come, and Lily was reluctant to pull away. She blamed the house for her earlier sense of panic. Houses were still not part of the plan.

They walked in to find Sirius sitting at the table, staring at the door with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

"Where the fuck have you been?" He demanded.

"Language, Sirius." Lily chided absently.

" _Don't you dare give me that!_ " Sirius roared, leaping to his feet. She froze in place, shocked by his outburst. "Where the _hell_ have you two been?"

"At my parents' place." James said blankly. "The house in Godric's Hollow."

"And you couldn't have sent a bloody patronus?" Sirius shouted, throwing his hands up. "We are in the middle of a _war_ , Prongs! And the pair of you just go _missing_ after the funeral…" He choked off and spun away. Lily's jaw was unhinged.

"We're fine, mate." James tried to say.

" _Like hell!_ "

"Padfoot—"

"Don't you give me that patronizing bullshit, Prongs! You two have a history of running off to do stupid things together, and you can't tell me I'm not allowed to be worried! You did something _beyond_ merely stupid when your dad died, and—"

"That was different." James spat, eyes flashing.

"That's not the point! The _point_ —"

"The point is that you have no boundaries!" James exploded. "I'm allowed to have a life with Lily that doesn't have you in it!"

"Well _fuck_ then." Sirius snarled, glowering. " _Forgive me_ for being even the _slightest_ bit worried that Death Eaters might have found you. Forgive me for caring, because—"

"That's not the point!"

"James." Lily tried to intervene, seeing no discernible point to either of them shouting.

" _This has nothing to do with you!_ "

" _Oh, so you're just going to roll over like a cowed dog—_ "

James had rounded on her, while Sirius continued shouting at him. Lily backed away from them both, deciding that Remus had the right idea. She retreated to the bedroom, shutting the door and casting a sound-shield to drown out the continued shouts from the living room. She wasted time with a long shower, taking her time getting dressed, and charming her hair into polite curls. Only then did she cautiously lower the sound-shield.

The flat was silent, so she poked her nose from the bedroom. James and Sirius were conspicuously absent, though Remus was in the kitchen assembling food.

"Sorry we didn't send word." Lily muttered preemptively.

"Sirius spent all night looking for you." He didn't look at her as he spoke, and there was just a hint of a frown on his face. "That's grounds for a bit more than 'I'm sorry'."

"If he was that worried about us, then he shouldn't have left the cemetery."

"We do _try_ to give the two of you space." Remus snapped. "We both thought you'd do more good for him than us. But when you…"

"I'm sorry." Lily repeated with much more sincerity. "I didn't even think about it."

"It's not you I'm worried about." He brushed past her, stalking around and picking up random things. Cleaning. "You can walk in and out of his life without batting an eyelash—"

" _Excuse me?_ "

"You don't think—"

"That's not even what this is about!" Lily shouted right over whatever Remus meant to say. "What? Did you really think I'd dump him _at his mother's funeral?_ Are you bloody _mad?_ "

"That's not what I'm saying." He forestalled, finally turning to face her. "I'm talking about Sirius."

"What?" She rocked back on her heels, confused.

"He _needs_ to live practically on top of people, Lily. He's going to be in your business, prying after your personal life, and a general nuisance because that's what he needs to stay sane. He'll downplay it until the day he dies, but Sirius is very co-dependent on James. Don't get me wrong, he's ecstatic over your relationship with Prongs, but it doesn't change anything."

"I've been plenty tolerant of Sirius." She crossed her arms, frowning. "But I'm not going to send him word of every little move I make. I get that we should have sent word we weren't coming back here last night, but Sirius may as well have show up at the house, too!"

"We were both worried." Remus told her.

"Where'd they go?" Lily wondered, turning her back to him.

"Duel in the park."

"Fantastic." She grumbled sarcastically, running her hands through her hair. "As long as James is in one piece for…" Remus grabbed her left hand, forcing her to twist to keep from having her shoulder dislocated. He stared at the diamond, shock and disbelief painted across his features.

"This is James'." He muttered to himself. "His grandmother's ring."

"We're engaged." Lily mumbled, feeling her face heat.

"I thought…" He was fighting off a frown.

"Thought what?"

"James said he was going to wait at least a year."

"Oh." Somehow, she found it surprising that he'd planned on asking her again. And had verbalized the plan to his friends already. Remus looked at her, still shocked. "I asked him." Lily said by way of explanation.

" _You…_ " His mouth fell open. Her chest started to tighten with worry—did he disapprove? And then his face split into a massive grin, and he grabbed her in a tight hug, lifting her right off her feet.

"Remus!"

"Thank Merlin!" He cried, swinging her around. "You're getting married!" Every lingering bit of irritation was gone from him. Remus beamed like Christmas had come early.

"You're…okay with me…?" She faltered, unable to help her insecurity.

"Merlin, Lily!" He squeezed her again, tight enough that her ribs protested. "I'm so bloody happy for you!" She laughed weakly, returning his hug.

"Thanks, Remus. It means a lot."

"What means a lot?" James asked from the doorway, sporting zebra strips in his hair and a black eye.

"Congratulations, mate!" Remus abandoned her to go pound on James' back.

"What?"

"He saw." Lily flashed the ring at him, and James beamed with delighted surprise.

"Saw what?" Sirius demanded, stepping around the crowd at the door.

"I'm the first to know?" Remus gasped, elated.

"Grace knew." She temporized, grinning.

"Knew _what?_ "

"Surely a man with your sleuthing capabilities can figure it out." Lily mocked playfully, scratching her nose with her left hand. James and Remus sniggered, though Sirius just growled with annoyance. "Too subtle?"

"It really is obvious once you know about it." Remus mused.

"I'm so confused."

"It's good for you." James informed him tartly. Lily walked over to them, placing her left hand on James' cheek as she rose up on her toes to kiss him softly. Could she be more obvious? He grinned against her lips.

"Oh for the…" Sirius' complaint trailed off. " _Merlin's shaggy balls_ _!_ " He snatched her from James' arms, spinning her around exactly as Remus had. Lily laughed, stumbling as he released her to jump at James. "Yes! Yes, yes, yes!"

"Try to contain your disappointment." She giggled, heart soaring as Sirius jumped up and down with excitement.

"This is so bloody amazing!" He crowed, deaf to her teasing. "You're getting married!" James stood behind her, arms wrapped loosely around her. She leaned into him, grinning like a fool. Sirius was rattling off details that they'd need to consider—like colors and flower arrangements—talking to himself rapidly and practically planning the entire wedding in five minutes flat. Lily could do little more than watch him and laugh to herself. "—and I'll be your best man, and _you_ my friend, are going to have the best damn bachelor party _ever!_ "

"Oh, I don't know." James said mischievously. "Lily here was talking about putting you in a dress as her maid of honor." Sirius froze, face transforming from excitement to horror in the span of a few seconds.

"You wouldn't." He breathed.

"What do you think?" She whispered to Remus. "Emerald or neon pink?"

"I think fuchsia." Remus answered solemnly. "He looked so beautiful with his hair all done—" He wasn't quickly enough to avoid the charm Sirius shot at him. Remus' hair grew a foot and turned a brilliant baby blue.

"Turquoise!" Lily cried excitedly, not even bothering to dodge the charm coming for her. But she did whip out her wand and change Sirius' hair to a soft lilac shade. "What do you think?" She asked her fiancé, grinning like mad.

"Oh, no." James' charm went wide. It took him twice more to successfully hit Sirius, turning his hair Gryffindor colors. "How 'bout that?"

"No way!" Remus protested, joining in with his own charms and suggestions. The game escalated quickly and veered wildly from trying to pick out legitimate wedding colors. Lily was too busy laughing to care what they were doing to her appearance, doing her best to give as good as she got.

So, two hours later, she went to Hogsmeade with hair that was more maroon than red that let off bright sparkly flashes of gold every time she moved her head. It was the best they'd been able to do to return her hair to normal. Or so Sirius claimed. Her spells were ineffective, and James had been too busy trying to get his own hair back to normal to help with hers. His hair, at least, was black; but it was spiked out in every direction and utterly rigid. It gave him a vague resemblance of a cartoon. They earned a few sidelong looks from patrons at the Three Broomsticks, but that was entirely okay. It made them less suspicious.

Lily kissed his cheek before ducking away from James to join Marlene at her booth in the corner. She watched from across the bar as James leaned across the counter to flirt with Madame Rosmerta. Lily found herself grinning, unable to hear what he was saying, but seeing his theatrics as he gestured grandly in her direction before kissing Rosmerta's hand. She glanced at Marlene, still grinning.

"What happened to you?" Marlene demanded, horrified.

"Sirius." Lily shrugged flippantly, shaking her hair back. "He says it'll wear off some time tonight." From the corner of her eye, she could see James slipping away from the bar towards Mad-Eye Moody.

"No." Marlene spat. "What happened to _you?_ "

"You're really going to have to be more specific than that."

"Who the _hell_ are you?" She cried, shaking her head with disbelief. "The Order was _attacked_ if you'll recall. And didn't James' mother die like two days ago?"

"Three." Lily corrected quietly, smile faltering.

"The Prewetts are _dead_. Bones is missing. Diedenhofer and Dearborn are in St. Mungo's and they may not make it. And you're sitting over there _laughing?_ "

"Did I miss the joke?" Alice Longbottom asked, appearing at their table and prodding Lily until she slid over to make room. "Nice hair, Evans."

"Thanks."

" _Are you kidding me?_ " Marlene shouted, staring at them.

"I'm the same as I've always been." Lily informed her. "I won't give up on fun for the likes of Voldemort."

"Lily!"

"What?" She snapped, feeling her hands clench. "It might have taken a while to learn, Marlene; but I won't give up on happiness. You forget happiness and love and you let him win!"

"You said his name." Marlene breathed, face white. "Lily…"

"Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself." Lily snapped, scowling. "I won't be afraid of him, Marlene. I will fight him until it kills me, and I will not sacrifice my happiness for fear."

"Says the girl who's faced him twice and lived." Alice snorted.

"Says the woman who's faced him three times and lived." She retorted. "Don't sell yourself short, Longbottom."

"I could say the same, Evans." Alice sniffed. "Stop showing off."

"I feel so insignificant." Marlene muttered, pressing her hands to her face. "I stand guard over houses every third night and haven't once faced a Death Eater. And both of you have defeated You-Know-Know."

"You are just as important as either of us." Lily told her firmly. "Just a whole lot luckier."

"Luckier?"

"You really think I want to face Voldemort in the flesh?" Lily demanded dryly.

" _Stop saying his name!_ "

"Marlene—"

"Lily, please." Alice seconded, biting her lip. "I don't like to hear it either."

"You're unbelievable!"

"Well that's great for you to say!" Marlene shouted, face darkening. "Since you're so flippin' fearless."

"I'm not fearless!" Lily protested, giving a cursory glance for James to back her up. Except, he would likely just brag for her, forgetting all about the nightmares that kept them both awake for half the night a few months back.

"Oh please." Marlene sneered. "You're captive for a week, and then not two weeks later you're running off on revenge missions. Then you turn around like nothing happened and take all the stupid assignments that no one wants because they're completely deadly—"

" _That's not true!_ "

"You disgust me, Lily."

"Marlene!"

"And what are you playing at with Potter anyway? Haven't you hurt him enough without stringing him along in your desperate need—"

"We're engaged, thank you very much." Lily hissed, rage pulsing through her. What was discretion for anyway? "I'm not—"

"Oh that's just bloody perfect for you, isn't it?" Marlene sneered, face twisted with anger.

"What the hell, Marle?"

"There's a war going on, Evans! Don't you think now's not the best time for this? It's kind of hard to be happy when everyone you know is dying. And then you're over there without a care in the world prattling about _getting married_. Go fuck yourself, Lily." Marlene shoved from the booth, storming to the opposite side of the pub. Lily stared after her with her jaw unhinged.

"You have to admit." Alice said after a moment. "She has a point."

"At least I'm not trying to have a baby in the middle of war." Lily hissed, ignoring the guilt that tugged at her as Alice reeled back like she'd been slapped. She rose to follow Marlene, telling herself that she wasn't deliberately seeking a fight. But Lily stopped beside her new table; arms crossed and drew the battle lines immediately. "I suppose it's pointless for me to ask you to be my maid of honor, then?"

"I haven't seen you in months." Marlene snarled, staring pointedly at the wall.

"I've been busy with the Order." Lily allowed. "You can join the list of people yelling at my dedication, Marle. I don't care. But I've always been this girl. If you think I'm not the same, then you don't know me at all."

"Clearly I never really knew you then."

"Is that really it? You're going to throw away seven years of friendship over this? I felt like I was dying before, Marle; before I started dating James again. Maybe it's not always bright and cheery. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes, and I don't always know what to say to him. But I've been happier for having him at my side. I won't give up the fact that I _want_ to live again, just because you think I have bad timing. You think I don't know how inappropriate it is to get married in the wake of everything that's happened?

"But people could use some happiness right about now, you know. If there's nothing but death and darkness, then what's the point of fighting? I'm fighting _because_ of the happiness I feel when I'm with James. I'm fighting because I want to be able to love him openly and freely. I want to raise children with him in a world that's not blinded by fear and hatred. I have found something worth fighting for. I will mourn and cry for those we've lost. But I will keep fighting and keep loving, because that's what he hates most. Voldemort doesn't know love; he doesn't know compassion. _We_ know love. We have a reason to be fighting. I will be _damned_ before I give into fear; before I stop living for fear of a madman with a stick."

"Amen." Dorcas Meadowes said from behind her. Lily turned slowly to find everyone in the pub staring at her. As one, they raised their glasses in a toast, drinking to her speech; her conviction. She swallowed hard, finding James half-hidden in the shadows near the wall. He was watching her with a fond smile. He winked when he caught her looking at him. Even Alice shot her a smile and gave her a thumbs up.

Feeling incredibly self-conscious, Lily went to James. Several clapped her shoulder as she passed. Her face was on fire from embarrassment by the time she reached him. James drew her close, kissing her deeply. Several people whooped, and the atmosphere in the Three Broomsticks lifted. Lily drew back slightly.

"So much for not saying anything." Her smile trembled, though James was smirking.

"I'm not sure we're going to be able to sneak off to the magistrate for a quiet wedding after that." He laughed, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I love you, Lily." She laughed weakly, leaning into him.

"Love you, too." She murmured. "I didn't mean to make a speech, you know."

"I know." He grinned. "But I love it when you lose your temper. Very hot."

"Oh shut up." Lily elbowed him playfully, catching Moody's nod from across the room. She nodded back, though he most know she hadn't planned it. "Thank you." She said quietly.

"For what?"

"Teaching me to believe everything I just said." Maybe Marlene was right. Maybe she had changed more than she knew. But if she had changed, then it was for the better; and it was all thanks to James Potter. He had no response except to rest his cheek against her head. She grinned, enjoying the rare moments when she caught him speechless. "So." She said idly. "Not getting married today?"

"Sirius would never forgive us." James sighed heavily.

"I'll still vote for the magistrate's office wedding." Lily informed him. "I'm not so sure I'll have bridesmaids if we want to do this for real."

"Nonsense." Alice snorted, dragging Frank along with her. "You're not the first to tell me I'm stupid, and you certainly won't be the last." Alice released her husband to hug them each in turn. "I'm so happy for you both."

"Thank you."

"You're wrong though, Evans." Alice said seriously. "You've changed since you two got together. All for the better, mind you; but you're a different person."

"War." Lily shrugged, though she glanced at James. He just smirked and kissed her temple.

"It was written all over your face when I told you, by the way." Alice added. "Don't ever play poker, Lily. You'll give it away every time."

"I kinda figured." She grinned apologetically. "I was trying to be polite."

"I appreciated the gesture." Alice nudged her before snuggling back in her husband's arms. "They all think we're crazy, though." She nodded to the room. "They're motivated by your speech, but secretly they think we've lost it completely."

"And we haven't?" They traded grins.

"So…shot-gun wedding, was it?"

"We talked about it." Lily shrugged, and James squeezed her lightly. "Seems to make the most sense."

"Quite a statement, Evans." Moody materialized on their other side, voice gruff. "Needed that, I think."

"It wasn't planned."

"Makes it all the better." Frank shrugged, shooting her a wink.

"While you love-struck fools have been giggling, we've been doing some planning."

"Enough with the love-stuck fools thing, Mad-Eye!" Alice groaned.

"There's a house out in Dorset we'll be meeting at." Subtly, he pressed a piece of paper into their hands. "Dumbledore's got it set up. _Tell no one_ of the location."

"The Fidelius Charm?" Lily whispered, glancing at the address in her hand.

"Aye." Frank and Alice traded a look.

"What of the ones not here?" She glanced around the Three Broomsticks. "Or have we lost that many?"

"The casualties at Headquarters were less than we thought they'd be." Moody admitted. "Lost the Prewetts and Bones. All else was injuries thanks to you two."

" _Us?_ " Lily gaped at him.

"You're fools, the pair of you." He snarled. "Going after Voldemort on the offensive." He paused, measuring them. "Fools, but you gave us the distraction we needed to get people to safety."

"Remus said all of our safe houses were compromised."

"Aye, so we went to secondary houses." His magical eye fixed on her. "Don't do it again. I don't want to be scraping your remains from the ground next."

"Yes, sir." Lily murmured, subdued.

"So what of the people not here?" James demanded, rigid against her back.

"We will do a thorough investigation." Moody said coldly. "Of all of those we have reason not to trust. When we are sure of them, the new location of Headquarters will be disclosed."

"What of Sirius and Remus?"

"Potter, I admire your loyalty." Both eyes were now fixed on James. Lily pressed her lips together. "But do not be blinded by it. Black's family is swimming in this mess, and half the werewolf population is allied to Voldemort. There will be an investigation."

"They would _never_ —"

"Potter." Moody stepped very close, and Lily was acutely uncomfortable being trapped between them. "Disclose the location of this place without authorization, and I will brand you a traitor. You'll wish to be in the comfort of Azkaban when I'm through with you." James wasn't breathing. Moody stepped back, turning to find the next huddle. He exhaled shakily, rewrapping his arms around her. He pressed his face to the back of her shoulder.

Lily glanced over to find Alice and Frank slipping away. She bit her lip, wondering if someone really thought that Sirius or Remus could have sold them out. _Do not be blinded by loyalty_. She closed her eyes, trying to be objective.

"I hate him." James growled eventually.

"I can't think about it objectively." Lily sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I mean, I guess he's right and they have reason to question them both, but… I would bet my life that neither of them would ever betray the Order. They'd die first. I know they would."

"We have to move out." He said abruptly. "Lily, I can't lie to them like this."

"Don't…think of it as lying." She turned to face him, trying to sort out her whirling emotions. "I'm sure we'll still be getting most news through patronus-messages. Say…meetings are a mission that we're going on."

"When Sirius is your partner?" James scowled. "He'll know we're hiding something."

"He'll know it anyway if we just up and move out!"

"Bloody…no, no he won't." He rammed his hand against the spikes in his hair and swore softly.

"James…"

"I told him this morning. I told him that things had to change."

"James, there are worse things than having someone worry about you." She touched his cheek gently.

"I can't lie to him."

"Let's just plan a super short engagement, okay?" She put her hands on his shoulders. "We'll have every reason in the world to find our own place after we're married."

"Okay." He heaved a sigh, pressing his forehead to hers briefly. She knew there was more he wanted to say; more to the thoughts running through his mind. It would rub him very wrong to think that his friends might be traitors.

"What about Peter?" She wondered suddenly. "I—"

"He was here." James interrupted her. "Was leaving to check on his mum when we got here. Not a traitorous bone in his body."

"There isn't one in Sirius and Remus either." She reminded him sternly. "It won't be long before everyone else knows it, too."

"If you say so."


	23. Harmony

"It's weird, don't you think?" Remus mused aloud, tapping his finger against his lips. Lily barely spared him a glance, throwing snacks into a bag hurriedly.

"What is?"

"Moody's taking his sweet time getting us rallied." He continued, frowning to himself. She lost her grip on the apple, wincing as it bounced across the kitchen floor. Remus seemed oblivious to her sudden clumsiness. "I mean, there's isolated missions, but shouldn't we meet and figure out where to go from here? It's weird, right?"

"It is." Lily agreed warily, catching James' eye across the flat. His face was white with stress. "But it's not like we're doing nothing, right?"

"Sure." Remus nodded vaguely. She fled the flat on James' heels, face burning with discomfort. Lying was distinctly unpleasant she was coming to learn. She'd told plenty of lies in the past, she knew; but this was something else entirely. She didn't _want_ to keep Sirius and Remus in the dark. She thought they deserved to know the truth. But no matter how much it bothered her, Lily knew it was worse for James. For seven years, he'd kept no secrets from his friends. He trusted them above all else except maybe her.

They apparated to Headquarters in silence. Two weeks of having James shout at her taught Lily to simply accept this silence. Neither of them was happy with the situation, but it was out of their hands. The only thing she could do was keep the tension from affecting their relationship. If James wasn't actively thinking about how he was betraying his friends, then he was as reasonable as the next person. But in moments like these, when it consumed him, a sneeze might set him off.

She left James with a group of aurors he knew from his time in the department, wandering over to Alice and Marlene.

"Hey." She murmured. Alice spared her a smile, though Marlene pretended not to hear her subdued greeting.

"—Carter's." Marlene was saying. "It actually a whole lot nicer than it looks. _Ridiculously_ expensive, though. I don't know what Mark was thinking."

"Sounds like he's trying to impress you."

"It takes more than money to impress me." Marlene snapped, shooting a glare at Lily. She ignored the hint, watching James from across the room. His stance was still full of tension, though he was animated in whatever discussion he was having. "—going to tell him."

"You have to tell him sometime." Alice sighed. "It's your own fault for falling in love with a muggle, you know."

"Mum thinks I should just keep him in the dark."

"From experience, it's a terrible idea."

"Yeah." Marlene made a face.

"Lying will only end in pain." Alice wielded, patting her shoulder comfortingly. Lily tried not to wince, shifting in place.

"I know." Marlene chewed on her lip for a moment, before excusing herself to the loo before the meeting began.

"How's he holding up?" Alice asked softly.

"Hm?"

"James. It can't be easy for him to lie to Sirius. I know how tight they are."

"It's rough." Lily sighed, tugging on the tips of her hair. "Frankly, I'm struggling with it, too. And I can't really talk to James about it without him going off at me like it's all my idea."

"Is it hurting your relationship? I was talking to Frank the other day, and we were a little worried it might put a wedge between you two again."

"No, I won't let it." Lily shook her head. "I mean, I think it would be good for him to talk it out, but I won't start the conversation. I can't without him yelling at me, which doesn't help either of us, and just makes him even more guilty later." She paused for a beat. "Makes planning a wedding hell."

"Don't worry about the wedding." Alice advised, squeezing her gently. "Trust me, it'll work itself out."

"Yeah." She looked around at the assembled Order members, wishing their numbers were better. It couldn't be helped for now. They had to ferret out the spy first. "How's baby-making coming?"

"Fruitless." Alice sighed. "Mum swore up and down the women in our family are beyond fertile. Now I think she just said that to keep me from having sex."

"Just think of it as a free pass to have shameless sex." Lily offered with a smirk.

"You've been spending too much time around Sirius Black." She snorted. "You're starting to sound like him."

"I'm just saying…"

"Bugger off, Evans." Alice shoved her playfully, grinning. Lily stuck out her tongue, unable to say anything more as Dumbledore called the meeting to order.

Lily did her best to listen to the various reports. But her attention wandered. It wasn't likely for her and James to be handed the more serious missions just yet. Moody was still worried about them as partners. Lily drummed her fingers on the table, thinking of the handful of stakeouts they'd done in the last week. Perhaps their behavior wasn't up to par. Maybe Moody was right. They did an awful lot of talking about the wedding on those missions. It was easy to rationalize, because they were guarding the house, not spying on Death Eater activity. Theirs was a protection detail. Much less difficult than overt spying. It was okay to be a little distracted.

James tapped her shoulder, jerking his head towards the door. Lily nodded once and waved at Alice as they slipped out early. Edgar Morten had close ties to the Minister, and had made his opinion of Voldemort quite clear—he openly despised the man and called his followers no better than dogs. The protection detail on him was in conjunction with the auror department. They'd tail him from the Ministry to the home of his mistress and wait around until early evening for him to return home to his wife. Once he was within the confines of his own house, they'd leave his protection to aurors.

"I wonder if his wife knows." James sighed about an hour into their watch, scanning the quiet street.

"I dunno."

"Seems odd to me." He continued, frowning at the house.

"What? Cheating?" Lily shot him a sideways look. "Some people get off on the risk of getting caught. Or knowing that it's something they shouldn't do, but there's low risk involved. It's not like you'll go to jail for cheating on your spouse."

"If you're going to get bored and go chasing after a tail, then why bother getting married in the first place?"

"Don't be that naïve, James."

"I'm just saying…" He rolled his eyes at her before sending another look up and down the street.

"I'm not saying I disagree with you." Lily pointed out. "I'm just saying the common rationale. It's disgusting and I'd rather hex this guy than guard him, but it is what it is. For all we know, his wife knows and is perfectly happy with it. A couple that my parents were friends with had that sort of relationship. Except it was her sleeping around."

"Still don't understand the logic." James grumbled.

"There's no logic. Just excuses."

"Touché." He sighed before changing the subject. "How's Alice?"

"Struggling to get pregnant still, but otherwise good."

"Is she going out on missions?" James wondered. "Frank was vague about it, and I know he's partnered with a guy from the department."

"Didn't ask." Lily answered. "She asked how you were doing with keeping things from Sirius and Remus. We talked relationships more than anything." He grunted in response, glaring down the street. "Sorry."

"Just ignore me." He said shortly, jaw set. Lily shrugged and let the conversation go, uninterested in starting any manner of argument. "How's Marlene?"

"Still mad at me, presumably."

"She likes having something to bitch about, doesn't she?"

"I guess." She sighed. "She made a jab, and walked when I didn't respond to it. She'll come around eventually."

"You're not the least bit frustrated?" James persisted.

"Are you?" Lily snorted. "Last I checked she was my friend more than yours. We only really share your friends since you do a better job of picking them out."

"There's a rather large piece of me that's offended." He admitted. "She's mad at you because you're with me."

"Well I'm not going anywhere." She rolled her eyes. "Marlene can have her opinions, I really couldn't care less."

"I'll be offended for both of us then." James grinned, nudging her.

"You do that." She wrinkled her nose, but smiled anyway. Marlene would get over her pique eventually.

"Did you bring food?"

"Knew you'd want some." Lily fished the snacks from the bottom of her bag, laughing at the delight on his face.

"You're undoubtedly the best."

"Love you too." She winked, settling back as her gaze swept the street again. "This is really boring."

"Moody will get over himself eventually." James shrugged. "Then we'll be wishing for missions like these. The guys from the department were talking today that we're really just trying to figure out the best way to anticipate his attacks. I mean, no one would've guessed he'd find our old Headquarters. Much less make a full frontal assault against us! Now we just can't anticipate anything."

"Or so it feels like." Lily groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Merlin, will it ever end?"

"Someday." James squeezed her hand. "You'll see."

"I hope you're right."

* * *

A door slammed, making her jump and whirl with her wand drawn. She crept towards the living room warily, finding nothing more suspicious than Sirius and Remus sitting at the table trading glances.

"Where's James?" She wondered, stowing her wand in her back pocket.

"Left." Remus answered.

"Why?"

"No idea." His frown said otherwise, though. Lily blinked a few times, guessing that they'd been discussing the Order. She retreated back to the bedroom, chewing on her lip.

"What aren't you telling us?" Sirius asked quietly from the doorway.

"It's nothing."

"It's obviously not nothing." He disagreed, oddly subdued. "Prongs only gets this way when he's trying to hide something. He's a terrible liar, Lily." She kept her back to him, pressing her hands to her face. What could she say?

"We're not supposed to say."

"Is it about the Order?" Sirius persisted. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes and no." She groaned.

"Just tell me!" He pleaded.

"We have a new Headquarters." Lily relented, still without looking at him. "Protected by the Fidelius Charm—a really powerful protective charm. You won't be able to find it until the Secret Keeper tells you its location."

"That's brilliant."

"Worked so far." She nodded slowly, mouth paper dry.

"And they're just being slow bringing people into the loop?" Sirius guessed. "Or is the charm… Lily?" She opened her eyes to find him standing in front of her, frowning at whatever look was on her face. Lily turned from him only to find Remus listening from the doorway still.

"We have a spy in our midst." She mumbled, dropping her gaze to the ground. "We were sold out."

"And?"

"They're doing investigations on anyone they think is suspect. Withholding the new location until each person can be proven trustworthy." Technically Moody had only threatened James. She'd been an innocent bystander.

"And they think _we_ are suspect?" Sirius cried, voice rising with outrage. " _You_ think—"

" _No!_ " Lily whirled around to face him. "Absolutely not, Sirius. Neither of us agree with it. James is beside himself. But it's not our call, and we're not supposed to tell you any of this. Moody was very clear that he'd make Azkaban feel like a holiday once he got done with us."

"But _why?_ " Sirius cried. "What have we ever done that's even remotely suspicious?"

"Oh grow up, Sirius!" Remus exploded, face dark with anger. "You're whole bloody family is up to their eyeballs in Voldemort's plans!"

"You _dare_ —"

"It's not some great stretch to expect the same from you, Black!"

" _Remus Lupin!_ "

"Well at least I'm not a fucking werewolf!" Sirius shouted, hands balled into fists.

" _Boys!_ " Lily yelled, stepping between them.

"And why the fuck aren't they questioning you and James?" Sirius continued, eyes full of malice. "They trusted me to be _your_ partner once, didn't they? Are you partnered with James now that I'm not trustworthy?"

" _You are both trustworthy!_ " Lily screeched, flinging her hands up. "Why else would I tell you what's going on? It's _bullshit_."

"Then why—"

"It's not my decision, Sirius Black." She snarled. "And James nearly got the both of us thrown out over you two! I'm just telling you what's going on, and I'm saying I disagree with it. We've made our opinion perfectly clear to Moody and Dumbledore, but they're doing an investigation. _I'm sorry_ , alright? Yes, Sirius, it's because of your family; and yes, Remus, it's because a whole lot of werewolves have sided with Voldemort. It's not fair in the least, because both of you are good men no matter the hell you came from and live with. You've each risen above it, and you should remember that." She glared at them both in turn. "Now apologize to each other and _mean it._ "

"I'm sorry, Padfoot." Remus whispered, subdued and shamefaced.

"I know." Sirius mumbled. "And I was out of line. Sorry, Moony."

"You are both trustworthy." Lily said fiercely, arms crossed. "Believe it."

"Yes, Lily." They chorused.

"And I'm sorry we've been lying to you." She added. "The 'dates' James and I have been going on are missions."

"And the engagement?" Sirius demanded, hard edge creeping back into his voice.

"What about it?"

"Is that a lie, too?"

" _Of course not!_ " She shouted, resisting the urge to slap him. "Merlin, Sirius, you're a right piece of work sometimes."

"Well I don't know." He spat. "How much else have you been lying about?"

"Nothing!"

"Heard from Snivellus recently?"

" _No!_ " The very thought was revolting.

"What about all those owls you've been getting?" Sirius demanded, on a roll now. "The same damn bird each time—"

"That is something else entirely." Lily hissed, cheeks reddening. "Of which Moody and James know all about. It's not Order business, but it's none of your damn business, Black."

"So you'll tell Remus all about it when I'm not around."

"It's none of his business either!" She snarled, though it wasn't entirely true. If things panned out the way she was hoping, it would be entirely Remus' business.

She'd found the article Grace had hinted about—a short piece asking for werewolf volunteers to test a new potion that was designed to control symptoms of lycanthropy. She'd sent an owl to the potion's creator immediately, asking after the potion itself. Only belatedly had she shown the article to Moody, wondering if perhaps this was Voldemort's slimy way to recruit werewolves. So far, Damocles had been reticent in trusting her, though he trusted Horace Slughorn immensely. It was a battle trying to get Slughorn's favoritism to work in her favor. So far, the exchange of letters was fruitless. She'd told James of her efforts only after he questioned the influx of owls. She feared getting any of their hopes up.

"Bloody hell." Sirius growled, pacing around the bedroom like a caged lion. He muttered obscenities under his breath, dragging his hands through his hair. Remus was still as a statue, though his expression was troubled.

"What about all your plans for the wedding?" Remus asked after a few minutes.

"What plans?" Lily wondered with a half-laugh. "We've made absolutely no progress in agreeing about anything. Right now my focus is to not let everything with the pair of you being shunted from the Order affect our relationship."

"Why would it?" Sirius stopped abruptly, frowning.

"He's pissed." She shrugged. "If it's on his mind, any little thing I say will set him off. _Anything_ would set him off. He's not taking it well, you—hey! Where are you going?" Both of them had turned in unison, and before she could even finish asking where they were running off to, they were gone. Lily glowered at the door for a long minute, irritated with all three of them. _Ruddy Marauders._ Eventually, she just rolled her eyes and went to find a novel. Something to get her mind completely off the uncertainties in her own reality.

* * *

 _Bridesmaids._ She'd only been half-joking when she told James she was short on female friends to ask to be her bridesmaids. She hadn't realized exactly how few of her friends from Hogwarts she'd kept in contact with. _You're obsessed._ She stared at the pot of water she'd set to boil, finally accepting how single-minded she'd been with the Order. _Face it. You were running from James, and even once you had him back you were still running. But not to or from anything anymore. Just running._ She'd never slowed down to write to her friends. Never bothered to care about the happenings in their lives.

She cared about the Marauders. About Sirius, Remus, and Peter. She knew more of the ins and outs of their lives than any of the people she'd hung out with at Hogwarts. Truth, it had started even while they were at Hogwarts. Ever since she'd started dating James. She'd latched onto him and since he was never without his friends, she'd latched onto the Marauders as a whole. Marlene was the only one who'd put up with her obsession. Marlene was the only one who'd accepted Lily's completely one-eighty in opinion.

And now Marlene wasn't even talking to her. Lily heaved a sigh, shifting her weight and glaring at the still water. Would it never boil? _You have Alice._ She reminded herself. Alice Longbottom was coming to be more of a friend than she'd ever anticipated. They didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but they were two of three women in the Order. And they were the only two actively pursuing relationships in the heat of this war. It was undoubtedly a strong bonding experience.

"Evans." Sirius said from behind her, making her jump because she hadn't heard any of the boys enter the flat.

"What?"

"I may not be as familiar with muggle technology as you, but I'm pretty sure you have to turn the burner on before the water will boil." Lily started, feeling herself flush as she realized she'd forgotten that part.

"Don't worry about it." James told her, pulling boxes from a bag. "We got take out."

"Where were you?" She wondered, happily abandoning the pot of water for food that didn't take any effort.

"Investigating safe places for Moony." He answered. "Since he obviously can't stay here during the moon."

"Ah." Lily nodded in understanding, giving herself a mental slap for not even thinking about it. "And you brought take out home? We could've gone out."

"Sirius insisted." James shrugged, making a face that Sirius couldn't see. "Some manner of surprise that he wouldn't divulge."

"It's a good surprise." Sirius smirked.

"Your surprises are rarely good surprises." Lily teased. "In fact, you are the reason I hate surprises."

"Hardy-har, you're so funny Evans." He rolled his eyes pointedly.

"So what _is_ the surprise?"

"You're getting married tomorrow." Sirius answered smugly.

"Oh, so you'll tell her—wait, what?" James gaped at him, thrown from his initial teasing tangent.

"You're getting married tomorrow." He repeated, grinning with pride.

"No we're not." Lily disagreed blankly. "Nothing set up. We didn't plan anything."

"Exactly! That's the beauty of it, isn't it?"

"We haven't planned anything." She repeated, blinking at him. "How can we be getting married tomorrow?"

"I planned it all for you." Sirius informed them both. "Best man and maid of honor all wrapped into one." He gestured to himself grandly. "It'll be unforgettable."

"In a good way or a bad way?" James asked warily.

"It's your wedding, mate." Sirius scowled briefly. "I'm not going to dick with you on your wedding day. Yeesh."

"You never know." He muttered under his breath.

"Ack, hush now! Alice has helped with the girly details, and has this weird misconception that she's maid of honor—" Lily couldn't help but laugh. "—and Moody had some absolutely fantastic input."

"Wait, _Moody?_ "

"You're sure you don't mean _Moony?_ "

"Oh yes." Sirius grinned wickedly. "Old Mad-Eye had a blast getting it all worked out."

" _Mad-Eye Moody?_ " Lily repeated skeptically. "The one and only Alastor Moody helped you _plan my wedding?_ "

"It'll be great, Lily." Sirius assured her, grinning broadly and showing far too much tooth for comfort. "Just you wait and see."

"I'm worried." She said flatly. "And I blame you for this." She poked James in the side, worried because he was also wincing.

"I'll vouch for him." Remus called from the bedroom. "Don't worry, Alice kept him in check."

"Happy?" Sirius asked worriedly, superiority faltering.

"Yeah." Lily answered, surprised at the relief that was starting to trickle through her shock. "Actually…yes. Wow."

"You're serious?"

"Last I checked you were, but…"

" _Lily._ " She laughed at his exasperation, stepping forward to kiss his cheek.

"I'm very happy, Sirius. Thank you."

"Come on, Prongs." He encouraged, smirking again.

"I'm withholding all thanks until I get through the day without a prank." James drawled, though his eyes danced with happiness and he couldn't stop grinning.

"I'm getting married tomorrow?" Lily whispered, butterflies erupting in her stomach.

"Yes." Sirius said decisively. "And since you both are lame and don't like fun, we'll be having an incredibly _boring_ party here tonight to celebrate your last night of freedom. Peter should be here any minute. Marlene and Alice send their regrets, but they're on missions tonight so they'll be free tomorrow for the important part."

"I suppose I can forgive that." Lily sighed dramatically.

"Alice will be by later tonight to fetch you, though."

"Why?"

"Traditions!" Sirius barked. "You can't sleep with James the night before your wedding!"

" _What?_ " They squawked in unison.

"I won't allow it." He said imperiously, ignorant to the panic that blossomed across their faces. Would she have a nightmare tonight without him? Would he? Lily bit her lip, thinking of the nights since his mother's death that she'd sat up and comforted him. Surely James could handle one night alone, right?

"What did you do?" Peter demanded, shutting the front door behind himself.

"What do you mean?" Sirius snorted.

"They look petrified!"

"Oh, they're just disappointed they don't get to bone the night before their wedding."

" _Sirius!_ " Lily shouted, face flaming.

"Hm?" He shot her an innocent look before flouncing off for champagne.

"Is that really all?" Peter asked dryly. "I promise he hasn't planned anything bad for tomorrow."

"It's…yeah." She nodded only because it was easier than explaining the truth. _Scars of war._ James kissed her temple, and she squeezed his hand comfortingly.

"Excited?"

"Very." James laughed.

Sirius chose that moment to interrupt whatever Peter meant to say by accidentally shooting the champagne's cork into the side of his head. Sirius had shouted an immediate apology that was hardly audible over Remus shouting that he'd bloody well done it on purpose. But Peter was laughing, grabbing a second bottle of champagne for retribution. And whether by luck or skill, he drilled Sirius right between the eyes. Lily doubled over, laughing so hard her stomach hurt at the look on Sirius' face. She put aside trepidation, because at the end of the day, it was just one night before she could spend every last one wrapped in James' arms. She laughed and hid behind the couch with Remus and James while Sirius and Peter started a war of increasingly absurd jinxes. Until eventually, they were all shouting the most ridiculous spells they could think of, just for the fun of it.

 _This is why I fight. This right here is what I'm fighting for._


	24. Unspoken

"Nervous?" Alice asked, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

"Petrified." Lily admitted, chewing on her lip. "Is this normal?"

"I needed a shot of tequila for my nerves." She answered impishly. "I have a supply—"

"I'm not going to get drunk before I get married." Lily snorted, carefully avoiding moving her head for fear of disrupting the beautiful waterfall of curls Alice had made in her hair.

"Come, come!" Alice said imperiously. "Time to get you laced up and on your way. Potty break first!"

"I don't want to hurt my hair." She mumbled, standing very carefully. "You're a master, Alice."

"It's not going to fall out. Now hurry up!" Lily complied with a laugh, still hardly recognizing the woman in the mirror. Her stomach was a-flutter with nervous anticipation. This entire day was one giant surprise after another. She had Alice to get her through the morning, and then Alice would drop her off at some church for a simple ceremony. Per Alice, it would just be her and James at the church to keep from making a giant target out of them all. Alice had called it lame, but Lily was secretly pleased. The ceremony would be more intimate without a bunch of people watching, though she very much doubted Sirius would allow them to have the moment completely to themselves. He had absolutely no boundaries, and quite frankly deserved to be there. Following the ceremony, Sirius would be in charge of getting them to the next, undisclosed destination.

The dress Alice was lacing her into was simple—white satin with lace overlay. It was strapless with a sweetheart neckline, tight bodice, and modestly flared skirt. The dress sparkled and shimmered as she moved, though Lily couldn't figure out where the effect was coming from. Magic, most likely. She grinned at her reflection, though her stomach swooped with nerves as they started adding the final touches.

"Something old." Alice whispered, touching the dress with reverent fingers. "It was in Grace's side of the family—her great grandmother's dress."

"It's beautiful."

"Something borrowed." She swung the veil over Lily's head, fastening it snugly in her hair. "I do want this back."

"Thank you, Alice."

"And something blue." Teardrop sapphire earrings that must have cost a fortune. Lily gaped at the jewels, unable to shut her mouth. "From Sirius."

"How the bloody…" She gasped, unable to speak through her shock.

"Some relative of his just passed away and left him a fortune." Alice shrugged loosely, though her gaze was full of envy as Lily put the earrings on.

"Merlin."

"Rich as Merlin, apparently." She laughed. "You look gorgeous, Lily."

"Thanks."

"Ready? Remember, there's still time to run!"

"I'm not running." Lily wrinkled her nose. "I'm ready."

"Come." Alice offered her arm. Side-along apparation had not gained an ounce of appeal, though Lily refrained from complaining. They appeared before a perfectly muggle white church surrounded by fields of tall grass.

"Where are we?"

"Don't you worry about that." Alice flapped a hand at her. "Now, I know your instinct will be to vanish with James the first chance you get, but you have to promise to stick around at the party until at least after six. Frank and I are doing a short watch detail, and I want to see you there. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am." Lily grinned. "Leave promptly at six."

"I'd call you something mean, but it's your wedding day, so I'm going to be nice." Alice winked. "I'll see you later." She waved before vanishing with a pop, leaving Lily standing rather awkwardly in front of the church. She bit her lip, wondering if she was supposed to just walk in or wait for someone to fetch her. She touched the pendant at her throat automatically. It was cool to the touch. At least she wasn't in physical danger here, but would the necklace know the kind of danger Sirius could bring?

"Thinking about running?" His teasing voice came from behind her. Lily jumped and spun, wand leveled. His grin didn't waver a bit.

"I'm not running anywhere except to wherever James is."

"Good." Sirius laughed. "He's inside waiting."

"Are you coming, too?"

"Only if you want me to." He shrugged. "Hadn't planned on it after listening to the pair of you debate the ceremony, but James asked the same thing."

"You're family." Lily told him. "Will you walk me in?" Sirius' face light up immediately. He beamed, offering her his arm with a slight bow. They walked in together, and Lily decided it was a very good thing that Sirius was beside her. She stopped dead a few feet through the door, heart seeming to skip several beats in a row. She registered nothing but James. He waited for her at the end of the aisle, dress robes immaculate, though his hair stubbornly stuck up every which way. She hardly even noticed. It was the look on his face that ensnared her. The love shining in his eyes that made her legs weak. Walking was a challenge all the sudden, and she needed Sirius to propel her forward even though she wanted nothing more than to be in James' arms.

 _I'm getting married._

She wondered what her own expression showed. She blinked back tears of insane joy as James threaded his fingers through hers. Sirius had melted back. She was aware of nothing but James.

"You look beautiful." He murmured, brushing invisible strands of hair from her face.

"I should have cut my hair." She whispered, dragging back the old joke, grinning as James laughed.

"I love you." He might have kissed her, but suddenly there was a hand in the way. "Oi, Padfoot!" Lily caught herself, rocking back on her heels to shoot a glare at Sirius.

"Get hitched first." He advised, gesturing to the pastor that Lily hadn't even noticed, who was watching them with a fond smile. "Then kiss all you want."

"Right." James' arm slid from her waist as he stepped back to face her. He held both of her hands in his, grinning and misty-eyed as the pastor started to speak. Lily only vaguely listened, trying to notice when it was her turn to speak. She stared at James, realizing all over again that she was the luckiest girl in the world. Her nerves were nowhere now. There was nothing more than a quiet fluttering in her heart and stomach—anticipation for what was to come. There was nothing but excitement and hope.

 _To have and to hold._

 _To love and to cherish._

 _Until death do us part_.

"Would you like to add personal vows?" The pastor asked, blinking very rapidly. Lily wasn't quite sure why. _Personal vows?_ She hadn't even thought of it. She met James' eyes, memorizing the peculiar color of hazel. There was so much she wanted to say; so much that he needed to hear from her. Lily couldn't think of a single word. It took her a moment to realize James wasn't saying anything either.

"Verbose." Sirius grouched from the side. There were a thousand things they could have said; declarations of love, promises for the future, words of compromise. It all went unsaid, unspoken. They'd gone through too much together already. The words were just superfluous. Had the pastor spoken again? She wasn't paying a bit of attention.

"I now pronounce you man and wife." _That_ she heard. "You may kiss the bride."

"Finally." James breathed. He caught her mid-laugh, kissing her deeply. Lily wrapped her arms around him, forgetting the chapel and the pastor, forgetting Sirius. She kissed him like it was the last time she'd ever get to hold him.

"Congratulations." The pastor said softly, wiping away a tear. "May you know every happiness."

"Thank you." Lily managed, leaving her arms looped around James—her _husband_. She looked at him, finding him wearing the same ridiculous grin that was on her face.

"Thanks, Steve." Sirius clapped the pastor on the shoulder, passing over a tissue.

"You weren't wrong, my friend."

"You know him?" James didn't bother to hide his surprise.

"He is a good man, your friend." The pastor said mysteriously, with half a smile and wink for Sirius.

"Isn't that the truth?" Lily laughed, feeling like she was floating on air. She kissed James again, just because she could. The shutter of a camera went off, and she jerked around to stare at Sirius. He winked from behind the lens. Where had he gotten the bloody thing from? James caught her chin, pulling her back to his kiss. Let Sirius take pictures! She was dizzy with happiness.

"Come on, lovebirds." Sirius called. "Moony will have my head if we're late!"

"Will you tell us where we're going?" Lily asked warily, looping her arm around James as they left the church.

"It's a surprise."

"You and that word, Sirius." She shook her head slightly.

"It's a party." He informed them, like it was a perfectly obvious thing to expect. "You're required to stay for at least five hours. Alice will have my head if you've vanished by the time she's free from her mysterious Order business."

"Parties are dangerous."

"Not when you get Dumbledore to plan it." Sirius apparated, tugging them along with him.

"Bloody hell." Lily grumbled, forgetting about asking why Dumbledore was planning the party. She pushed free of Sirius, taking in the quiet of Hogsmeade.

"She hates side-along." James stage-whispered, ducking around Sirius to wrap an arm around her waist.

"Don't we all?" Sirius skipped down the road, half-singing, half-shouting. "They're married. They're married. Lily and James are married." His destination was undoubtedly Hogwarts. A carriage waited for them at the edge of the village. This time, Lily could see the thestral.

"I love you." James murmured in her ear. She glanced up at him, grinning.

"I love you, too." They'd strayed to a stop, and she spent a moment kissing him. _Lily Potter._ It was finally reality.

"Get a room!" Remus called from the village, approaching with Marlene. Both were grinning broadly. James made a rude gesture towards him, spending another pointed moment with his lips sealed to hers. He might have just kept on, but Lily pushed him back, laughing. Remus engulfed her in a hug with a quiet congratulations before grabbing onto James and slapping his back.

"Never thought I'd live to see the day." Marlene teased, though her smile was tinted with worry. "Lily Evans married to James Potter."

"Who would've thought, eh?" She glanced behind herself, seeing Sirius giving the thestral one last pat before bouncing over to his friends. So much had changed so quickly.

"Lily Potter." Marlene's grin widened. "Has a good ring to it, doesn't it?"

"Why do you think I married him?" Lily winked, earning herself a giggle from Marlene and a scoff from one of the boys behind her. A second carriage rolled up. Without really stopping to think, she followed James into it and shut the door on the rest.

"You know they think we're going to get a quickie in between here and the castle."

"You're not that fast."

"That sounds like a challenge."

"James." She rolled her eyes at him. His smirk was joking, though she probably wouldn't have argued if he tried to start something. She propped her feet on his lap, leaning back. "There's a legal part to this, too right?" She asked. "This is just the formality, technically."

"Sirius swears its all been taken care of." He shrugged. "Dunno how, but that's what he said when I asked why the church instead of an office."

"Why the church?"

"He thought you'd appreciate the muggle touch." James grinned. "And obviously he's been there before, but I have no idea when or why."

"It's cute." Lily said. "Thinking about Sirius being religious. And I mean, not in a bad way either. Genuinely, you know."

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Still waiting to wake up." James admitted, gaze never wavering from her. "Waiting for someone tell me that this has all been a dream."

"Better not be a dream." She watched him from beneath lowered lashes. What a man she'd made her husband. They traveled in comfortable silence, soaking in the moment and embracing the rare moment of peace.

The carriage lurched to a stop all too soon. She could have stayed there for a year, wrapped in the comfortable intimacy. Neither moved until Sirius tugged the door open and poked his head in. The flash of a camera went off before they realized his intention. James was off the bench and out of the carriage with a shout, leaving her to laugh herself hoarse. Remus helped her from it after she'd caught her breath. James and Sirius were chasing over the grounds.

"Just like old times, right?" Marlene nudged her with a hip, grinning.

"Exactly." Lily laughed, taking them all in. Remus was behind them, taking pictures with a different camera than the one in Sirius' hands.

"I owe you an apology." She said quietly. "I—"

"You're already forgiven." Lily interrupted, glancing over at her friend. Marlene looked surprised. "Now's not the time for holding grudges; not when you don't know which word will be the last."

"You've always been the morbid sort." Marlene slung her arm around Lily's shoulders. "And you're a better person than I'll ever be, Lily Ev—Potter. Damn that's going to take some getting used to!" Lily giggled, choosing to let it all go. She was honestly furious with Marlene, but it wasn't worth the fight. Some things were better left unspoken.

"Did Dumbledore really plan this?" She asked instead, glancing up at the castle behind them.

"With Sirius Black? Yes." Marlene laughed. "Be afraid, Potter. Be very afraid."

"Why should I be afraid?" James panted, hair a ruffled mess and eyes bright behind his glasses.

"Not you. Her."

"You?" His grin was infectious. "Mrs. Potter."

"That makes me sound old." Lily wrinkled her nose at him, tilting her chin back to receive his kiss anyway. Old, but deliriously happy at the same time.

"Shall we?" Sirius asked from the top of the stairs, waving to the doors.

"Impatient, that one." James grumbled, threading his arm through hers to guide her up the stairs.

"Your fault." Lily snorted. "For making him the best man. What were you thinking?" He laughed quietly. They froze in perfect unison on the threshold to the Great Hall. Lily felt her jaw unhinge. It was almost unrecognizable for the decorations, done in Gryffindor colors that were accented with whites. More than the sheer change from the usual four long tables were the people filling the hall. Sirius had outdone himself tracking down their friends. "Can we keep him?" She whispered to James, clutching his arm.

"Drool and all." He agreed faintly as cheering rose from the crowd. Lily would have turned and bolted if James didn't have a hold on her arm. _Shyness? Fear of being around so many people?_ She glanced at him for support, only half-regretting it when he kissed her amidst the cheers and the catcalls. The kiss banished her apprehension. They went forward into the waiting crowd, and she laughed and smiled exactly like she was supposed to.

But she was battle trained and primed. The last time she'd been in a group of people this large had been during the destruction of the Prewett brothers' house. It bothered her that her hand was constantly twitching after her wand. She jumped a few too many times when people touched her unexpectedly.

Then soft music floated over the chattering crowd, hushing them all for a moment. James gathered her in his arms, leading her slowly and easily in a slow waltz. She relaxed slowly, aware of the crowd but no longer overwhelmed by it.

"Remember the fundraiser?" James asked in her ear.

"How could I forget?"

"I seriously thought you were going to castrate me." He admitted with a quiet laugh. "The look on your face was murder, love."

"I remember being shocked." Lily snorted. "Not murderous, though."

"It was quite the glare."

"I'd never… I'd never put it together before."

"Put what together?" He frowned slightly.

"Your name and mine. Lily Potter." She grinned, enjoying the way his eyes darkened with muted arousal. "First time it even crossed my mind."

"I thought it was one of those things you girls did. Write it out in notebooks and stuff." He teased.

"Not this girl."

"Should've dropped hints sooner." James sighed regretfully, pulling her close enough that Lily wondered if she'd start stepping on his toes.

"I'd have run." She said honestly. "You know, that's the only way you've ever misjudged me."

"Regretting—"

" _Never_." She couldn't even let him joke about it. Lily gave him a stern look. "Never in a million years will I regret this."

"Good." He said simply.

Sirius let them ignore the world for a total of three songs—or so he claimed when he came to steal a dance with her. He was no less graceful than James, though he ruined the moment about halfway through the song by getting wild with his dance moves. Lily tried to match him, but she was laughing too hard at his antics to keep up. The youth in the crowd surged forward—all recent graduates looking for an excuse to get wild and have fun. She had only a slight moment to worry before James was there. Did he know she was afraid of the crowd? Or did he just want to be close to her? _It's your wedding, dork. Of course he wants to be close to you._ It was possibly the only time he'd get away with it without Sirius teasing him to death.

Lily suffered through a rather awkward dance with Slughorn, and was spun in very fast circles by an enthusiastic Dumbledore. Sirius rescued her from that, saying that he may or may not have challenged his former Headmaster to a drink off. Dumbledore wasn't quite as competent with alcohol—or so Sirius believed. He was doing little better.

She was hardly aware of the passing time until Alice was there, shouting her congratulations over the now-loud music. Some manner of time later, when Lily was wondering where James had run off to and if it was acceptable for them to slip away, Sirius found her again. He tugged her from the dance floor—drug her into a shadowed corner, stumbling only a little.

"Sirius?"

"Hush." He told her, swaying a little too close. "Remus is bringing James. But _you_." He pulled a minuscule sack from his pocket, pressing it into her hands. "That is for you."

"What is it?" Lily examined the diminutive thing, frowning. He plucked it from her fingers, tucking it into a seam of her dress.

"Look at it alone." He said. "That's really important."

"Why? What is it?"

"I dunno." Sirius told her brightly, laughing. "She said…oh what did she say? Enlarge the bag and enjoy."

"Who?" Lily was prepared to rip a hole in her dress to get the thing away from her if need be. He was too drunk for her to not be worried.

"Grace." He answered with just a hint of tears shining in his eyes. Lily felt her jaw drop for the third time that day. "Open it alone. Don't show James." He touched her cheek gently. "Can I say it now?"

"Say what?"

"I told you so."

"Told me what?" Lily shook her head slightly, catching sight of James and Remus over Sirius' shoulder. They were easily within earshot.

"You weren't out of chances." He kissed her cheek, reminding her of the last time she'd been around him when he'd been this drunk. After her parents' funeral. He'd told her to wait; just wait. James would give her another chance. Lily wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tightly as she met James' eyes and winked.

"You're the best friend anyone could ask for." She whispered to Sirius before releasing him. "Thank you." She said louder, reaching for her husband. James took her hand, clapping Sirius on the shoulder.

"Outdid yourself, mate."

"Oh, I know!" Sirius laughed loudly, very clearly impressed by himself. "Now go, my beloveds!"

"Pretty sure that's not an actual word." She whispered, nudging James to the side before Sirius could get it in his head to make a speech.

"Beloved is."

"But plural?"

"We're not having a fight over semantics." James snorted, leading her from the Great Hall and the rowdy celebration that would continue with or without them.

"I'm not starting a fight." Lily protested, laughing. "I'm just saying—"

"Does it really matter?" He interrupted, tugging her along, up several flights of stairs. "We skipped the speech, and now the world knows you're mine."

"Oh really?" She arched an eyebrow. "I thought this was all about _me_ laying claim to _you_."

"Well if that's how you want it to be." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. She rolled her eyes, looking around at the familiar hallways.

"Where are we going?"

"Heads' dorm." James answered, glancing back to gauge her reaction. "Dumbledore's contribution according to Sirius. Since they can't afford us a real honeymoon."

"It has nice symbolism." Lily grinned, stopping before a familiar portrait with him. "It's where this all started, right?"

"Very true."

"Flunk out, did you?" The portrait said reprovingly, arms crossed. James rolled his eyes, turning to it.

"Potterland." It swung open, and Lily had to laugh.

"Who came up with that?" She giggled as they climbed in.

"Dumbledore, actually. Sirius didn't know the password. Said something about not wanting us to get pranked on our wedding night."

"Sirius would." She said with perfect conviction.

"And he'd think it hilarious." James agreed. "Or he'd try to come in and wake us up tomorrow like the good old days."

"I prefer it when he's furry and has a tail." Lily grinned.

"I prefer it when it's just you."

"That too." She wrapped her arms around him. "I'm glad I married you, James Potter."

"Words do not describe." He mumbled.

There was a thousand things she could have said to him—a thousand 'I love you's' that he needed to hear. But sometimes words are simply superfluous. She'd lived too long in a world of empty words. There was something to be said for leaving things unspoken. For letting actions speak louder than words.


	25. Changing Wind

"Next time, we are vanishing for a year." James hissed with fierce passion.

"Oh really?" Lily snorted. "You're ideal honeymoon doesn't consist of crawling through mud?" She stepped very carefully between fallen logs, wobbling precariously in an effort to not get her shoes any soggier than they already were. "What's your ideal honeymoon then, Potter?"

"A beach." He growled, following her meandering path. "You in a nice little bikini. Some bullshit fruity drink only because you made me."

"You like bullshit fruity drinks. Admit it." She grinned, imagining the scowl he was shooting at her. It was a nice thought compared to their current misery.

"No." He said flatly. "Now you in a bikini—"

"Not happening." Lily snorted, shaking her head. "Scars and stretch marks—"

"Bloody hell, Lils. Scars aren't something to be ashamed of. Or can I not take my shirt off on this hypothetical beach of ours?"

"Scars on a man are hot."

"You must love Sirius then." James teased—and then cursed vividly.

"Shh!" Lily twisted carefully to find him knee deep in muck. "Damn it, James!"

"Not my bloody fault."

"Pay attention to what you're doing." She chided, shaking her head before continuing forward. He grumbled quietly. She could hear only snatches of words. Lily grinned to herself, remembering when it was Howard following her. He'd complain just like this; exactly how she'd imagined James would. She had him pegged well.

"I'm just saying." He continued eventually, venting satisfied for the moment. "I saw this emerald bikini the other day—"

"Will you never let it go?" Lily complained. He'd been going off on the stupid thing for three days—ever since she'd sent him into muggle London for groceries. Shame on her for that decision.

"Scars are no reason to avoid bikinis."

"And the stretch marks?" She reminded him.

"Lily, you don't have those."

"Yet." She growled doggedly.

"Are you still mad at me?" James scowled. "That was a month ago I forgot, _and_ you've had a period since then. You're not pregnant, moron."

"Yes, but still—"

"Have I forgotten since?"

"No…"

"So let it go." Lily rolled her eyes, irritated with how easily he brushed off what she considered a very near miss. They'd both been too distracted by the wedding to remember the contraception charm that night. It was a bone chilling reminder of what she risked with him every night. In her mind, it was only a matter of time before it was forgotten again. If she kept him irritated, then he'd pay extra attention just to be able to rub it in her face.

"What about mountains?" She mused, heart leaping to her throat as she slipped a bit. James caught and steadied her. "Thanks."

"What about mountains?" He asked, perplexed.

"Instead of a beach."

"What can you do in _mountains?_ "

"What can you do on a beach?" Lily retorted.

"Drink stupid little fruity drinks and enjoy the view." James answered immediately.

"You just want to be around half-naked women." She goaded, jumping to an adjacent log. Lily wobbled for a minute before she was sure of her balance. "You're just…sore on the fact that you didn't get a proper bachelor's—"

" _Son of a bitch!_ "

"Learn to balance, love." He was knee-deep in the swampy water again. James growled under his breath, accepting the hand she offered to help him back onto the fallen log. "As I was saying—"

"I would be looking at a half-naked _you_ for a year." James wrinkled his nose, dismissing the imagined other girls with one simple gesture.

"You could look at a fully naked me in a lodge in a mountain." Lily offered, enjoying his eyes darkened at the suggestion. She flashed a grin at him before turning to continue down their current path.

"Mountains are cold, though."

"In winter."

"But we're talking about a year's escape, here."

"So mountains in the summer, and beach in the winter." Lily said logically. "Win win."

"Beach." James grumbled determinedly. She laughed quietly. By the time this war was over, she could easily be persuaded into spending a year lounging on a beach. They fell silent, eyes peeled for anything remotely similar to the rock formation that Dumbledore had told them to find.

"Any sign of it?" She wondered after a while of concentrated silence, pausing for a moment to give her trembling legs a break.

"It would help if I knew what to look for." He grumbled, gaze raking through their damp surroundings. "A pile of rocks in the middle of a vast expanse of nothing isn't much to go off."

"I hate Dumbledore sometimes." She sighed, propping her hands on her hips. "How far have we gone?"

"In this? I dunno." James ruffled his hair, checking his watch. "But we've been out here for six hours."

"Give up?" Lily wondered glumly. "Moody said five at the most."

"Yeah." He agreed distantly, looking across the swamp. "He did, didn't he." His face was twisted with displeasure, though he offered his arm to her. Lily accepted it, letting him apparate them both back to the flat. She shared his disgruntlement. Six hours of trudging through a marsh to come out empty-handed. Too many missions these days were ending with nothing to show for the hours wasted. She said nothing against side-along apparation. She rarely complained about it since Connor's death. His partner had apparated away too quickly, and only pieces of Connor remained to be found. It was a lesson in caution that everyone had taken to heart. Especially James.

Wonderful smells hit her in the face as they stumbled through the door. Lily inhaled deeply, grateful all over again that they'd never quite managed to move away from Remus and Sirius. It was the same gratitude she felt every time they came home from a long mission to a warm, home-made meal.

"Oh Merlin." She moaned, stomach just now announcing that it was starving.

"You're late." Sirius called from the kitchen, half-scolding. "Actually, you look gross. Where the bloody hell have you been?"

"Wetlands." James answered, collapsing at the table.

"Clearly." He said dryly. "Eat, and then a shower for you both. Then bed." Sirius set plates on the table, glowering at Lily until she stumbled over to the table. He sat across from them, examining each of them closely. "Was it worth it?"

"No." James grunted through a mouthful of food. "Lot of stumbling around for nothing."

"Bugger." Sirius made a face, sitting back.

"How was your meeting with Moody?" Lily wondered, shoveling down food just as quickly as James.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." He chided with a smirk. It was rich, coming from Sirius. But she was exhausted enough that Lily only smiled. Turnabout was fair play, she supposed.

"And?" She prompted when he didn't answer.

"It was less satisfying than I'd hoped." Sirius shrugged, frowning. "I'm not that trustworthy according to Moody."

"Bastard."

"Wash your mouth out with soap, Lily."

"You're being snarky." She grumbled, setting her fork down to glare at him properly.

"It's really not that bad; Moody wasn't." Sirius grinned. "I'm not going to be let in on the Headquarters secret for a long time, but I'm going to be assigned missions."

"With who?" James asked, frowning.

"Moody." He answered with a certain glimmer of smug delight. "If he survives the month, then he'll start telling me what the Order's up to."

"But you won't be coming to meetings?"

"No." Sirius shook his head, entirely unperturbed by the continued exclusion. James, however, looked put out, prodding at his food without eating more. "Eat Prongs." Sirius said sternly. "I'll be back in the field soon enough, and until then, I can at least make sure you both take care of yourselves. That's something for the Order, right?" It wasn't much, and his words put lead in her stomach. Lily heaved a sigh, pushing her plate away half-eaten. Sirius pushed it right back. She ignored him.

"I'm for a shower." She muttered, rising despite Sirius' scowl. She wasn't surprised that James didn't leap up to follow her. She was exhausted down to her bones. She could see the same sort of fatigue in him. Risk or not, she wished they could start trusting more people again. They were getting run ragged for lack of options. Hot water was soothing to the aches in her muscles. It revived her enough that she went back to the table to finish her meal when she was clean, while James went off to his own shower. Lily ate in silence with Sirius watching her like a hawk, eyes narrowed until the plate was clean. Then, before she could think to move, he whisked the plates away and took them to the kitchen. Lily pressed her hands to her face, feeling the charm he shot at her to dry her hair. _Sometimes it's like I have two husbands—three if you count Remus. Merlin help me._

"Where's Remus?"

"Cage." Sirius grunted, frowning at the sink.

"Oh Merlin I'm an idiot."

"Just busy." He disagreed softly. "James forgot too."

"That doesn't make it okay." She wasn't as used to keeping track of the moon's cycles as the boys, but it was still a courtesy to Remus that she know. Lily drug herself from the table, walking over to the kitchen. "Can I help?"

"You can go to bed." Sirius flapped a hand at her. "Honest, Lils."

"We're taking advantage of you." He dropped the dishrag, turning to her with a scowl.

"No you are not." Sirius spun her around, guiding her into the bedroom. "Sleep Potter." He shoved her forward a foot and shut the door between them. Lily's heart still skipped a beat when Sirius called her 'Potter'. A month wasn't enough to lessen that effect. She wondered if it would ever go away. In many ways, she hoped it wouldn't.

James was already sprawled on his half of the bed, hair damp and snoring quietly. Lily grinned at her husband, whispering a drying charm. She went about flipping off lights until only her bedside table was light. She settled on her side of the bed, examining the picture she had framed on her bedside table again. The picture that Sirius had taken of her and James in the carriage, and undoubtedly her favorite from the wedding. She'd printed it in muggle fashion, because it captured the essence of that moment perfectly—the peace; the love; the ease. She knew Sirius had the magical version of the picture; knew that James was constantly rushing out of the frame exactly as he had in real life. She smiled at the memory, casting a glance beside her. James was lost to the world.

Very carefully, she removed the back of the frame. She handled the letter she had stashed there gingerly, like it might crumple to dust in an instant. Grace's good-bye. The bag she'd received after the wedding reception had been charmed to be weightless and endless, containing only this letter. James knew about the bag, though he believed she'd purchased it on a whim. It was too difficult to explain how she'd come by the bag as a gift from his mother when she hadn't shared the letter with him. Sirius, she knew, recognized the bag. They'd traded sad smiles over it once, and he hadn't remarked on it since. Lily hardly needed to look at the letter anymore, she'd read it so many times. But there was something comforting in the smooth, curved writing, and the reminder of the faith Grace had in her even then.

 _Lily,_

 _May this be the most presumptive action I've ever taken. Merlin save me if I've done something worse._

 _Dragonpox is a particularly insidious disease. It gives you warning—the first pox mark appears almost exactly four months before you die by the disease. I was lucky. Most often that first mark is on your face and so often mistaken for a simple bruise. Mine was hidden on my shoulder, and I have seen so many pox marks that I would know it in my sleep. I will take myself to St. Mungo's when the time is right, before I am a risk to infect you or James. I will be infectious for the four days prior to my death. Long gone, I promise you._

 _I should think I will be long passed by the time this reaches you. I hope you know that this is what I want. I miss Howard so much that it hurts to breathe. Watching you and James find each other again is the only thing that keeps me going these days. Without your love, I would have taken my own life the moment I knew Howard couldn't be saved. Is that wrong of me? I hope you don't begrudge me this morbid wish. I know James would; and would never see the irony regarding his actions following your break-up. There is nothing more dangerous than an auror that does not care for his own life._

 _In the old days, laws were written stating that the matriarch of Pureblood men must approve their marriage; that without that approval, the Pureblood son could not wed under wizard law. I feared that perhaps the law would be quietly reinstated—for control or for blood purity, I am not sure. I'm sure I do not wish to know the answer, for I know I will not care for it. Recall the day I went to the Ministry? I was presumptive. I've heard James speak of you for years. I listened to my husband rave about you for months. I watched you long after my son and run from the choices you both made. Call this a mother's instinct. I know he won't let you go twice._

 _I won't live to the day he gains courage to propose again. Oh Merlin, I wish I could be there with you. I wish your own mother could stand by your side; that your father could walk you down the aisle. Imagine us watching over you, for we surely will be; Howard, too, I know._

 _Let this be my final gift to you. My apology for wanting to face this illness alone. I am ready for death. I long for it in many ways; though I know I will miss so much with you and James. Know that I faced the last step of my journey with gladness in my heart, and hope that you may weather this storm together._

 _I was right that the old laws had been re-established. Without my blessing, your marriage to James would have never been recognized within our world. So even though you've been back together for only a few days, you're officially married by our laws. Should the worst happen, our assets will fall to you, my dear. Even if I'm wrong about my son's persistence, I consider you a daughter. I beg your forgiveness for my presumption. I wish you all the happiness in the world._

\- _With all my love, Grace_

In many ways, Lily couldn't untangle her thoughts towards Grace's actions. Was it a mother's instinct, a massive leap of faith, or the stupidest thing she could have done? Maybe a combination of all three. Lily read through the letter twice, warmed once more by Grace's conviction. It was confirmation that Lily hadn't known she needed until she was reading the letter for the first time. What did anyone else's opinion matter when his mother so clearly believed in them? When James, himself, was so clear that he would never let her go?

Lily replaced the letter carefully, setting the picture back on the table, wondering for the hundredth time if she ought to share the letter with James. It was addressed to her and only her, but she felt selfish for withholding it from James. Lily turned out the lights, shifting to curl around her husband. For the last month, she'd justified her silence because of what Grace had written about wishing for death. It was a sentiment Lily understood, because she'd been there before. It was easy still, to close her eyes and remember the rank cell that she'd spent days in. Days that she wished for death; when she looked it in the eye and watched it turn away. Even after her rescue, that feeling had found her. In the midst of the aftermath of her hallucinations, death seemed easier than piecing her life back together.

James didn't have that basis of comparison—at least not to her knowledge. He'd never been so intimate with death. She knew there were dozens of missions he'd gone on and hadn't told her about. She caught him and Sirius reminiscing over their days in the auror's department; the close calls they'd had before James joined the Order. He hadn't been idle. But he'd never been captive as she had. He'd never seen death as the better option. She could see it in his eyes.

So she said nothing about Grace's role in their marriage. Sirius claimed responsibility for the legality of it all, which meant he must know that they'd been 'married' long before the official ceremony. She hoped he would never mention it. Undoubtedly, Grace had left something for James; something that he was keeping from her. She hoped it meant as much to him as Grace's gift meant to her.

* * *

Order meetings were somber affairs these days. Fabian Prewett's wit had always kept the atmosphere light, even amidst the darkest news. He'd played well against Gideon's dry humor. It was a similar dynamic that James and Sirius had; but Sirius was not invited to these meetings, and no one would appreciate James trying to make light of things on his own.

"I heard a rumor that Vold—oh fine; _You-Know-Who_ is claiming immortality." James spoke into the silence at the table, giving into the shudders from other members. Lily shot her husband a sideways look. _She_ had heard no such rumor, and knew he hadn't gone out of the flat without her since the last meeting two days ago. What was he on about?

"What are you on about, boy?" Moody growled, sitting up straighter.

"It's just a rumor." He shrugged loosely. "Remus went down to Diagon Alley for potion supplies—"

"He did _what?_ " Lily barked, alarmed.

"You're the one that said we needed them!"

"I know I did!" She scowled; irritated that James had taken it upon himself to send his friend based on an off-handed comment from her.

"The point?" Moody interrupted. "I'm not here to listen to some lover's quarrel."

"He was down there lurking when he heard people talking about it." James continued, pointedly ignoring the dark look she was shooting at him. "He thought maybe they were Death Eaters, but wasn't for sure. Didn't catch names."

"Did he hear _how?_ "

"Nothing more specific than 'powerful dark magic'." He made a face and shrugged.

"Nothing more than hot air." Moody grunted, shaking his head slightly.

"Maybe not." Alice said quietly when no one else spoke. "Dad talked about plenty of incredibly dark ways to preserve life. I mean, it's not immortality, per say. It's not the same kind of life you can get from the Philosopher's Stone, but there are ways to avoid death."

"Can he be killed?" Someone voiced the thought running through Lily's head. Alice shrugged helplessly. She didn't have the answer, because it would depend on what exactly Voldemort had done. Lily chewed on her lip, worried. _What if he can't be killed?_ She looked at the faces around her. Did anyone else feel like they were fighting a losing battle?

Moody didn't waste time with supposition. He started handing out assignments, speaking with brisk efficiency. Lily ignored him entirely, because whatever he was saying about her and James now was a lie. They'd spoken to him prior to the meeting. Their real assignment was being bait—attempting to catch the traitor by being where they weren't supposed to be. Moody and Dumbledore had the grand scheme organized so the right bits of information reached the right people. Lily and James were two of the very trusted few who knew about the game. She _thought_ Frank and Alice were playing a very similar game; however Frank's latest string of missions had been with his old partner from the auror's department. To her knowledge, Frank and Alice were not partners in the Order. Alice had been very vague when Lily asked her about it. It was an odd, persistent chord that kept repeating—that people she'd gotten to know so well suddenly weren't talking to her as easily. She wondered if someone thought _she_ was betraying them. Or that she might be careless around Remus and Sirius. Or that James might.

Lily refocused on the room as it started to empty. James was off talking to Peter, possibly trying to convince him to come over sometime. Peter's mother was very ill, and it was taking a toll on the fourth Marauder. She would let them talk. Her own mother had died so abruptly. James, at least, could speak to having his mother die from illness. He'd had a day and a half to comprehend it all; but it was experience that might help Peter.

"Hey." Alice plopped down beside her, looking exhausted and stressed. Lily managed a weak smile in greeting. They were quiet; the only two remaining at the table. Frank was in huddle of aurors, laughing at some joke. "How's Pete's mum doing?"

"Not well." Lily sighed, slumping back in her chair. "We went over there last week, and it's all she can do to get from her bed to the bathroom."

"Poor Peter."

"Mm-hm."

"Hey, Lils." She glanced over at Alice. "Can we talk sometime?"

"Of course." Lily frowned, trying to read through Alice's tone to figure out what was worrying her.

"Frank has a mission on Saturday. Can you come over to the house then?"

"Ah…" She thought swiftly. Would she have a mission? "Yeah, that should work."

"You sure? I don't want to impose—"

"Alice." Lily glared at her, ignoring the thought flashing through her mind that this might be a trap. Alice Longbottom was no traitor. "We're friends, right? There's nothing wrong with spending time with friends, or so I've been told a million times." Alice smiled weakly.

"I haven't been around anyone but Frank recently." She admitted quietly. "And I love him to death, don't get me wrong. But I can't complain about some things to him, because he's part of the problem. You know?"

"I definitely get it." Lily nodded. "I guess that's the nice thing about having Sirius and Remus in the same flat."

"I'm sure there are not-nice things about that, too." She giggled as Lily rolled her eyes.

"You have no idea." She pressed her hands to her face. "Marry one Marauder and suddenly you have three husbands."

"You need more estrogen in your life." Alice said sympathetically. Lily laughed at that declaration, unable to say anything because her laugh drew James and Frank to the table.

"It's never good when the women gossip." Frank mock-whispered to James.

"I say we run for it, mate."

"You'll be on the couch for a week." Alice threatened, arms crossed. "Don't even think about it, Frank."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He leaned down for a kiss. Lily tried not to stare at them, but there was tension between the pair. Maybe it was for the best they weren't going out on missions together. She shuddered at the thought of what might happen if that tension impacted their ability to work together in a fight. James squeezed her shoulder, and Lily glanced up at him. He wore an easy grin, but there were dark circles under his eyes still. She stood, guessing that she'd hear about the tension in Alice's marriage on Saturday.

"See you Saturday." Lily said. "Any particular time?"

"Whenever you're free." Alice shrugged, grinning as best she could. "You'd best be wrong about that immortality thing, Potter."

"I hope so." James sighed, nodding to Frank before leading the way from the house. "Saturday?"

"Girl time." She answered. "Plan something fun with the Marauders. Sirius could use some cheering up."

"Best not get ourselves in pieces on Friday, then." He laughed like their 'stake-out' wasn't for the sole intention of them being ambushed. Lily forced herself to grin, but it was devoid of all amusement. _Merlin, I hate being bait!_

At the flat, she challenged Sirius to a game of chess, wanting something to occupy her mind. He was up for the challenge, keeping his voice uncharacteristically soft when he gloated or swore. Remus was reclined on the chair, absorbed in a book though his gaze flicked to the table every once in a while. Normally, she would have played against him, but it would be a great stretch of the imagination for Sirius to sit calmly and read a book. He'd have engaged James in some manner of amusement. Lily's gaze went to her husband after each move. He was sprawled out on the couch, and she could tell when he transitioned from dozing to real sleep. She grinned to herself, catching Sirius' eye as she went back to the game. He winked.

With James snoring softly, Remus meandered over to the table. He watched them play, offering hints to Sirius who ignored him completely. As a result, he lost in spectacular fashion. He growled curses, pouting as they re-set the board. Battling Remus in chess was much more difficult. He was very good at the game. Lily liked it for the challenge, though she lost most of the time. This game was no different.

She gave up her seat to Sirius, wandering over to James. He was still out. Lily grinned, sliding his glasses off to set them carefully on the table. If they were alone, she might have found a way to squeeze onto the couch with him for a nap. As it was, Lily was pointedly ignoring the smiles on his friends' faces. She fetched herself a glass of water, sipping on it and going to watch the chess match over Sirius' shoulder. They played three remarkably short games, with Sirius losing in terrible fashion each time. Lily lost interest, though Sirius swore he would play until he won.

She went back to the couch, settling herself at the opposite end with her legs hooked over James' hips. An innocent enough way to sit, she thought. She summoned a book, pretending to read while mostly just watching James sleep with an ear cocked towards the banter at the table. Her last coherent thought before she fell asleep was that she was very glad to have Sirius and Remus sharing the flat.


	26. Misguided

Lily didn't want to be wary as she walked up the steps of the Longbottom's house. She trusted Alice and Frank almost as much as she trusted James and his friends. They had been good to her in a time when everything was going wrong in her life. And sure, they had their arguments and differences in opinion, but things had smoothed out since the wedding—and enough time had passed that everyone agreed she wasn't pregnant. Lily wasn't exactly sure where that particular rumor started, but she knew Marlene had believed it. Alice only ever shrugged.

Lily knocked, trying to be ready without exposing the tension in her body. The door opened a crack and Alice peered out at her. Lily arched an eyebrow, though the door opened more fully.

"I'm supposed to ask you a question." Alice told her with a sigh. "To make sure you're really Lily Evans."

"Potter." The correction was becoming automatic, and her heart didn't skip a beat this time. Maybe it was because James wasn't around.

"You've been Lily Evans your whole life with the exception of one month." Alice rolled her eyes. "Get inside, woman."

"It's been an important month." Lily wrinkled her nose.

"By important, you mean boring right? We've had these stupid stake-outs waiting for someone to blow our cover, or we're out hunting some fiction that Dumbledore made up! This month _sucks_."

"Would you rather someone have died?" Lily snapped without thinking. She winced a moment later at the same time Alice blanched. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry."

"No, you're right." Alice sighed. "And I've thought the same damn thing every time I'm wet and miserable with nothing to show for it."

"We're not making progress anymore." She collapsed on the couch, forgetting that it wasn't half a soft as hers. Lily kept her wince purely internal. There would be no falling asleep on this one. "It's bloody frustrating."

"The department's not making any headway, either." Alice sat on the couch next to her, propping her feet on the coffee table. "We've identified more Death Eaters, but can't catch them. We've caught people doing remarkably questionable things, but they're not… I can't say they're not coherent, but it's really weird. Kingsley thinks it's the Imperius Curse, but the Minister just throws them in Azkaban anyway. Which I guess doesn't matter because we don't have dementors guarding it anymore."

" _None?_ "

"Not one." Alice nodded glumly. "I feel sorry for the poor soul that ends up facing three hundred dementors."

"Souls." Lily corrected heavily. "Hundred galleons says he'll send them out to muggle towns where they can be felt but not seen. Misery to the muggles he hates so much."

"I won't take that bet. I agree completely." She thumped her head against the cushions. "I hate spies."

"We need one working for us." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "That's what we're missing. Someone on the inside of Voldemort's circle to give us information. How much do we know about him really? And I'm talking weaknesses or flaws in his plan. Something we can exploit."

"His followers are…" Alice groped for a word. "Fanatical. They believe everything he says with conviction that's…disgusting. For the first time in my life, I'm _ashamed_ to be pureblood."

"Don't be." Lily chided gently. "You're not like them, Alice."

"I saw it in your eyes, though. That question of whether or not I could be trusted."

"And you haven't questioned me?" She snorted. "Alice, it was the way you were asking me over."

"That was because I don't think you're going to want to listen to me rant." Alice groaned, pressing her hands to her face. "But I have to talk to _someone_ or I'm going to go mad!"

"I will listen." She said firmly. "And I'm sorry I doubted you for even a moment."

"I doubted you for longer than a moment." She said through her hands. "I…" Alice was silent for a minute. "I don't trust Sirius."

"Because of his family?" It wasn't really a question, but Lily was trying to choke down her instant defensiveness on Sirius' behalf.

"Lily, I've never really liked him, and trying to plan your wedding with him was the crowning touch. I haven't the faintest idea of how you put up with him, much less live with the idiot. If Frank had a friend like that, you can be sure I'd put a limit on how much contact they had. He's a terrible influence on James, you know."

The best she could manage was a non-committal hum.

"I guess that's the difference between us, really. You see the best in people, and I see what's actually there." Lily clenched her jaw, not trusting herself to even make another hum. The muscles in her arms were tight, coiling with the desire to make her hands into fists. "Realist versus idealist."

"I get to know people before I judge them." Lily said through her teeth.

"You find the best in them." There was a touch of impatience in Alice's voice. "You always have, Lils. How else could you have been friends with Severus Snape?"

Lily kept her gaze locked on the far wall. True, she'd seen the best in Severus and done her best to ignore the rest. But it had caught up to her. Losing him as a friend taught her a valuable lesson in judgment. She couldn't ignore what she didn't like in a person just because of some small winning trait. She could never say that Sirius was without faults. But she'd seen the best in him as he'd pieced together the shattered remains of her relationship with James—when he helped piece _her_ back together. She'd seen the kind of man he was beneath the jokes. The goofball was a façade. An escape from his memories of his childhood. _The Imperius Curse is child's play_. He'd told her a lifetime ago.

"Sirius Black is the same thing all over again." Alice argued, trying to pitch her voice to be gentle. To soften the blow.

Lily took a deep breath, trying her best to be objective. This was the same boy who'd nearly gotten someone killed in the name of a prank. _Even if he didn't try to feed Snape to you._ James had forgiven him the prank. Had Remus? _You'll hate me if I tell you the truth_. Sirius had said to her. She thought back to sixth and seventh year, trying to remember what she'd observed of the Marauders through her hatred of them. _They changed around the middle of sixth year. You know they did. You even told Marlene about the lack of pranks enough times that she silenced you for twelve hours._ It had to have been the aftermath of Sirius' prank. They grew up. Changed. They hadn't pranked Snape the entirety of seventh year.

Sirius had made bad choices in the past. But he wasn't the only one who had. _Everyone_ made bad choices. It was part of life; part of learning. She thought hard, trying to recall a moment he'd gone back on his word. She couldn't think of a single instant. He'd run away from his family; showed up on James' doorstep half-dead. Only to say good-bye; not expecting to be taken in as a second son—at least according to what Howard said of that moment. They'd allowed him to stay hidden in one of the back bedrooms until he was healed and could show up on their doorstep a second time; unscathed so that James would never know exactly how bad his family had been. Sirius would never join Voldemort; not if his family was allied to him.

"Lily?"

"Sirius Black is a good man." Her voice was even, holding not the least bit of anger. Saying nothing for the rage that was burning through her veins.

"Lily, his family—"

"I know what his family did to him." The rage was leaking through now. She tried to rein it in. "Alice, if for no other reason, he would fight Voldemort just to spite them. He is a good man."

"I don't believe that." She said flatly, shaking her head. "Lily, I really think—"

"I don't give a flying fuck what you think!" She exploded, whirling around to glower at Alice even as she jumped to her feet to leave. "You know _nothing_ about Sirius Black!"

"Does James know that you're in love with him?" Lily froze mid-turn. The question didn't make sense. She turned slowly to face Alice again, intention to storm out temporarily forgotten.

"What?"

"Does your husband," Alice said slowly, enunciating carefully. "Know that you're in love with his best friend?" Dull roaring built in her ears. Lily swayed, mouth half-open with shock and rage. _In love with Sirius?_ It was a concept she couldn't comprehend.

"How dare you?" She breathed, vibrating with violent rage.

"I'm simply making observations." Alice gaze at her with something akin to pity. Like she felt bad that it had taken Lily so long to figure it all out.

"I am _not_ in love with the likes of Sirius Black!" Lily shouted, hands clenched, battling down the instinct to blacken Alice's eye. "And so help me Alice Longbottom; I _dare_ you to talk to James like this! Tell _him_ that you think I might be in love with Sirius! Let _him_ blacken your eye before I'm tempted!" Alice burst into tears. Lily stepped around the coffee table, ears still roaring.

"Lily, wait!" She slammed the front door in her wake, barely hearing Alice's cry.

She apparated to Knockturn Alley, walking a swift block to Shaver's Corner. She wanted nothing more than to rage at the top of her lungs, but she knew the Marauders were having a party back at the flat. She knew they'd finally convinced Peter to come over again. She wouldn't ruin their fun. She would never intentionally put a dent in James' friendship with Sirius. A sharp nod to the bartender brought a pint out to her rather quickly.

Lily settled near the bar, keeping her back to the wall. Her eyes raked through the modest crowd, seeking any sort of threat. The daytime patrons of Shaver's Corner paid her no heed. She sipped on her beer, considering Alice's point from all angles. Alice had never given any indication that she didn't like Sirius before the wedding. Hadn't they planned it all together? It didn't make sense. She worried her lower lip with her teeth, wondering what had changed. She wanted to ask Sirius if he'd had some sort of fight with Alice. Had something happened on his first mission with Moody that she didn't know about?

A familiar crop of brown hair caught her eye. Lily did a double take just to make sure she'd seen him right. Frank Longbottom sat in a booth against the wall, his back to her, practically chugging beer. Hadn't Alice said he was supposed to be on a mission? Alice's argument against Sirius had her fired up still. Lily wanted an excuse to rage at someone. Her thoughts were not kind as she rose to stalk to Frank's table.

"I thought you were on a mission." She said coolly, making him jump.

"I am." He hissed. "Now sit down or bugger off." She slid into the seat across from him, frowning.

"What mission?"

"Avoiding my wife."

"What?" Lily frowned.

"I'm sorry. That was mean." Frank took a long gulp of beer. "Shouldn't have said that."

"Were you on a _real_ mission?" She demanded, eyes narrowed.

"Don't get your knickers in a wad, Potter." He rolled his eyes pointedly. "It was a stake out from dawn to noon. Ask Moody if you don't believe me. I figured you and Alice would be having girl-time, and it's sweet of me not to intrude, right?"

"Why are you avoiding Alice?"

"She's a bit touchy these days." Frank shrugged, waving towards the bartender for another beer. "What did you two talk about? Actually, no. Why are _you_ here of all places?"

"I needed a pint." Lily growled, temper simmering. "Courtesy of Alice. I'd have gone home, but didn't want to ruin the Marauder's fun."

"Our lack of baby-making capabilities is enough to drive you to drink? Merlin, Potter—"

"We talked about Sirius Black, not baby-making."

"Son of a bitch!" Frank hissed, downing half of his new beer in one go. "I _hate_ that bloody woman!"

"Alice is your wife!" Lily cried, horrified and furious.

"Not _her_." He spat impatiently. "My damn mother! Merlin's balls, my damn _mother_ has been on Alice about _everything_. Alice is pretty tolerant of her. But really, how much can she be expected to take? It's the dishes; it's how the bed's made; it's the way the drapes fall. _Merlin!_ They're ruddy drapes! What does it matter?" Frank finished off the pint, gesturing for another. "We've been trying to get pregnant for over six months, and maybe it's stupid, but I don't really give a shit what you think! Alice is desperate for a child. You don't know how much. And I can't… I don't know if it's her or if it's me, but…" His expression was pained. "And then she's reading all of these books on fertility and the best time to try, and it's just bloody exhausting. I get jokes at the office, and Merlin help _me_ if I just tell her to let nature work it out for now. And my damn mother makes it all the worse by saying it's all things that Alice is doing wrong!"

He stopped to give due diligence to the second pint—Lily had to wonder exactly how many he'd had—before taking a deep breath and continuing like he hadn't paused at all.

"She isn't a fighter, damn it all. She followed me into the department, and I _told_ her it was a bad idea. I told her it wasn't the place for her, but she thought she could get permanently assigned paperwork. Thought it would be good for us to see each other at the office, since aurors have such long hours. It can be taxing on relationships. But her plan was always to go on leave—maybe even permanently—once we had a child."

"She wants out of the action." It was counterintuitive. Was Alice not the one complaining that nothing ever happened on missions just this morning?

"We've run across Voldemort three times." Frank sighed. "The department is much more head-on than the Order. She's not a fantastic duelist. She knows that she wouldn't survive more than a minute without me. I… Each time I told her I wanted her to stop coming. We've fought about it almost constantly. Pregnancy would be the perfect reason for her to back off the missions. Except you need to have sex to get pregnant and you need to be talking to each other to have sex!" He drained the remainder of his beer. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't realize you were trying that hard." Lily said, uncertain of what else she could say. None of this excused Alice's accusations.

"You wouldn't understand." He sighed heavily, continuing before her temper could well and truly flare. "You'd hex James to the next decade if he tried to stop you from going out on missions. And I saw you fight him—You-Know-Who—that day at Headquarters. You're as good as James. Maybe better."

"We work well together."

"Modesty is pointless." Frank said flatly. "You're good, Lily, and you damn well know it. It would kill you to get put out of action by something like a child." He started to gesture for more beer, but stopped himself mid-motion. "I take it Alice didn't mention any of this?"

"Nope." Her anger was smoldering. "She accused me of being in love with Sirius Black, and I left before I was too tempted to blacken her eye."

"Damn my mother!" He pressed his hands to his face. "A blind fool could tell that you're in love with James! A bloody _idiot_ could figure out that Sirius is as loyal as a dog, and he would bloody well never betray James by doing anything with you! _And_ he would die before he betrayed the Order! _Merlin_ I hate that bitch. Gah! Why couldn't _she_ have come down with dragonpox instead of Grace Potter?"

"You don't mean that." Her body went cold.

"No, actually I do. My mother is the one convincing Alice that Black would double-cross." Frank stood, slamming his empty glass to the table. He dumped out a veritable mountain of galleons and stormed from the bar. Lily blinked a few times, anger smoldering yet confused. She didn't know what to think of Frank's explanation of Alice's attack. She looked at her barely touched beer and heaved a sigh, wanting to go rant at James about both conversations. She dug in her pocket for some change.

"Don't worry about it, sweetheart." Lily started violently, though it was just the barkeep. "Drink's on him." He swept the galleons away and shot a toothless smile at her. "You don't seem to find good blokes, do you sweetie?"

"I found one." She said quietly, with a forced half-smile. Lily turned on her heel and walked out.

" _Hello, pretty girl_."

She apparated back to the flat, sitting at the bottom of the stairs instead of going up. Her chest was tight. Each breath hurt a little more than the last. _He's gone._ She told herself firmly. _He's gone, and that man was just being friendly._ She knew it in her bones. So why did she want to cry? Would the reminder never go away?

It took much longer than she wanted for her heart to stop racing from half-formed fear. Lily buried her face in her hands, trying to banish the memories. So she thought of James; thought about their wedding and the blissful two days they'd spent in the Head's dorm after. Two short days to forget about the war. To remember how and why it all started; why everything about their relationship worked. She thought of everything they'd done for each other since graduation. Even in the rockiest parts of their break-up, James had her back; and she'd wanted to have his. She'd accepted Howard's offer for the faint hope of hints about James' life—to hear that he was able to pick up the pieces and move on. She couldn't help but smile, twisting her wedding ring around her finger. _Thank Merlin for second chances._

She finally rose, making her way up the stairs. Much to her surprise and mild disgust, she found the Marauder's in a state of discontent. They each wore equally frustrated and hopeless expressions, seated in various places about the living room. Sirius and Peter shared the couch. Remus commanded the wingback, and James was lying on the floor, absentmindedly catching and releasing his stolen snitch.

"Don't you people know how to have fun?" She demanded into the silence.

"We got distracted." Sirius grunted, eyes tracking the fluttering snitch.

"And here I was hoping for a happy distraction." Lily sighed.

"Not fun times with Alice?" James asked, twisting to look for her without rising.

"Not fun times at all."

"War?" Sirius guessed glumly.

"I guess that's at the heart of it all." She shrugged, helping herself to an unopened beer. "But not really. She accused me of being in love with you, and you being a traitor in practically the same breath."

"Do what?" James sat up, frowning; his snitch forgotten.

"Who?"

"Sirius." She answered. Sirius blanched, choking on his drink and coughing.

"She thinks _what?_ " James gaped at her.

"She can't possibly be serious!" Peter cried, shaking his head. "There's no bloody way!"

"She's insane." James agreed flatly. "Bullshit."

"I dared her to tell you." Lily offered, gaze flicking between her husband and his best friend. Oddly enough, James was taking it entirely in stride. Sirius looked like he was going to be sick. "So you could blacken her eye for me."

"I probably would." He nodded shamelessly. "Actually, I'm disappointed you didn't."

"I wanted to." She cocked her head to the side. "You're not mad at all?"

"I'm furious with Alice." James snapped, eyes narrowed. "But I know better, Lily. Padfoot's no traitor." He plucked the snitch from the air easily. "And I trust you both, regardless. You're not in love with him, Lils."

"Obviously, but—"

"But what?" He snorted, looking between them.

"Historically, you've appeared to be the jealous type." Lily reminded him dryly.

"Well, if I so happened to die and you hooked up with him—"

" _What the fuck?_ "

" _Don't._ Just don't."

" _Are you out of your bloody mind!?_ "

"Don't..."

"— _not even over your dead body, mate!_ "

Lily reeled, ashen and nausous at the thought of James dying. Horror was far too mild a term to describe the panic pulsing through her. Sirius was on his feet, shouting at the top of his lungs, face slowly turning red. She couldn't get another word out, shuddering all over.

"Still think I have something to worry about?" James asked dryly when Sirius paused to take a breath. It didn't stop Sirius from continuing to rage at the top of his lungs about the stupidity of the suggestion that he might hook up with her if James was out of the picture. James ignored him entirely, rising to wrap an arm around her shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere." He murmured against her temple.

"Better not." She mumbled, still sickened by the thought.

"Enough, Pads. I was just making a point."

"It's a really stupid point." Remus snapped from the armchair, scowling. "Don't even joke about it, Prongs."

"Okay fine!" James shook his head at them, tossing the snitch back in the air. Lily snatched it from under his nose before he could.

"No toys for you." She chided, tucking the snitch into her pocket.

"Lily!"

"You can have it back later."

"In the bedroom." Remus added impishly.

"With some—"

"That is bloody well enough!" Lily cried, feeling herself blush.

"I am just getting warmed up." Remus said wickedly, drawing a smirk from Sirius.

"This." She growled to James. "This right here..."

"Keep it up, and we'll just find our own place." James threatened simply to mullify her.

"What?" Sirius and Remus both tensed, speaking in unison.

"We've talked about it." He shrugged uncertainly, glancing at her before looking back to his friends. "It _is_ hard to remember I'm married sometimes with you two constantly underfoot."

"You can't move out." Sirius shook his head slightly, eyes wide.

"We're not actively looking." Lily sighed. "Just talking about it." Sirius and Remus traded glances, but said nothing more about it. They were all quiet for a minute, lost in their own thoughts. At least until Sirius' hair turned blond and started to grow. Lily couldn't tell which of the boys started it, but the result was a familiar battle of jinxes and counter-charms that made the air thick with colorful lights.

"I'm married to children." Lily muttered to herself, retreating to the bedroom rather than get caught in the middle of the game. She wasn't in the mood for their antics. She threw herself on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She wanted someone to talk to—someone impartial to the mess she was living with. But there was no one left to turn to. She missed her mother with ferocity that brought tears to her eyes. Would her mother have been able to help her sort out this mess? Could she have brought herself to seek her mother's counsel? In this moment, she wanted nothing more.


	27. Old Friends

"It's a fork."

"I have eyes, James."

"This is a fork." He stared at it, uncomprehending—or perhaps just disbelieving that they'd spent three days crawling through mud and muck in search of the stupid thing.

"Yeah." Lily sighed. "It's a fork."

"Dumbledore is off his rocker." James muttered, squinting like the object of their hunt might spontaneously change shape if he looked at it differently.

"You're just now figuring that out?" She snorted, propping her hands on her hips. "Hell, James, maybe this is just coincidence. We could be miles off target for all we know. He's not exactly fantastic with directions."

"I can't believe Moody bought into this."

"Can you even hear me?"

"Lily, we've spent three days sleeping on mud for a _fork_." He glowered at her. "Am I the only one even slightly pissed off because of this?"

"Did you also spontaneously lose your ability to hear last night when I was shouting?" Lily wondered dryly. "Or need I remind you of my fit of temper?"

"I remember that just fine." James snorted. She grinned rather sheepishly, though he just heaved a sigh. "Bloody hell."

"Let's just get this thing to Headquarters and go home." She suggested, levitating the fork into the cleanest towel they had left. She wouldn't risk either of them actually touching it until they knew what exactly it was supposed to be. " _I_ am too excited about the possibility of a real bed tonight to continue bemoaning the horrid arrangements of the last few nights."

"Your lead?" James offered his arm to her, and she considered it a true test of his patience to allow her to apparate them to Headquarters. He hated side-along as much as she did.

James ducked into the house alone, much less likely to get sucked into a conversation than her—better able to utilitze the excuse that she was waiting on him than the other way around. Her patience was worn thin, though, so the three minutes it took him to deliver their prize felt like eternity. She wondered if Sirius had a mission with Moody today, or if he might have a warm meal waiting for them. She'd gotten spoiled in the weeks of his complete exclusion from Order activities.

Lily was braced for disappointment, telling herself that ordering take-out wouldn't be all that bad. At least they'd be able to shower before their meal arrived. She could not have foreseen walking into a flat entirely devoid of furniture and decorations. For the first moment, she thought they'd stumbled through the wrong door. But no, the number on the door was definitely theirs. Lily blinked several times like everything would magically reappear if she just waited long enough.

"What…?" She tried to speak and failed. James stepped around her, wand drawn. His posture was wary and alert.

"It's fine!" Sirius called, pausing for a moment before sticking his head from the hallway. "Swear to you. We've been redecorating a bit."

"A _bit_?" James snorted, peering into their bedroom. There was no furniture in there either. "Where is everything?"

"If you'll come with me, I'll show you."

"Come where?" Lily asked warily, gripping her wand beneath her robes.

"It's a surprise." He glanced between them, beaming with excitement. It was dampened for just a moment when neither of them relaxed. "Bloody hell. Remus is a werewolf, and we all became animagus in fifth year to spend the moon with him. It's me, okay?"

"Okay." James stowed his wand in his pocket. Lily's jaw remained clenched. Decking his jaw was still an option, right? She let Sirius tug her inside, unable to ignore terrible foreboding. This was not at all what she'd wanted to come home to.

"We took the wards down, so come come!" He gripped them both and apparated directly from the living room. Trepidation solidified in her when she caught sight of their destination. Lily forbid herself from looking at James with open suspicion. How could he not have known? They were in Godric's Hollow, standing just outside the gate to his family's house. She was cold with fury. Had the last three days been nothing more than an excuse to keep her in the dark?

Sirius ushered them up the path like an excited child. The difference was apparent from the moment the front door opened. The house was spotless and full of furniture that had just recently been somewhere else. Her lips pressed into a flat line as Sirius showed them through the redecorating. Some of the pieces had stayed, if only because they wouldn't have had enough furniture. But some pieces Sirius mentioned had some manner of sentiment attached to them—he pointed those out with extra excitement, like he should get points for remembering them.

James was oddly silent beside her, taking in the changes without a word. She refused to look directly at him, but from what she could see from the corner of her eye, he didn't look any more pleased than her. It didn't make sense. She knew this was what he wanted; knew this was the next step in their marriage. The ring felt extra tight on her finger. And heavy, very heavy. _You said 'yes' to this._ She reminded herself sternly. _You asked for it._ She blamed the tightness in her chest on the last place Sirius showed them. The basement; equipped with a steel cage that would hold Moony secure every month. It would be safe for them, Padfoot could keep him company, and Remus wouldn't be at risk of being snatched by Death Eaters in some random shack.

Sirius was obviously unimpressed by their lack of reaction. She tried to rationalize the move, but kept circling around to the fact that this was exactly what she didn't want. She'd _told_ James she didn't want this! How could he not have been a part of this? It was his bloody house!

"Why do neither of you seem excited about this?" Sirius demanded, following them back upstairs to where Remus waited, grin faltering at their expressions. "You have to admit, it's convenient for us to be under the same roof. I know you're married and all—"

"You should have asked." James said quietly. Lily didn't know if he was looking at her, because she couldn't trust herself to look at him. _I don't want this. I told him I didn't want this—the nice house, the pretty yard._

"I know it's your parents' place." Sirius was impatient. "But they haven't really used it for years, right? The flat was too small for all four of us. You said yourself that you were tired of living on top of us, and this place gives us all plenty of room! Come on, Lils, back me up!"

"Sirius—"

"No." Both Sirius and Remus started back from the anger in her voice. James winced.

"Lily, I had nothing to do with this."

"You really expect me to believe that?" She shouted, hands clenched. "I _told_ you!" She shoved him, shock and fatigue combining to anger. " _You_ are a bloody—" She couldn't bring herself to call him names. Lily whirled around; away from the shocked faces of Sirius and Remus, away from the hurt on James' face. She held tight to her rage; slamming the front door in her wake, skipping down the porch stairs, and apparating not a step away from them.

She didn't want a house. _Any_ house! Rage pulsed through her in an uneven tempo. She walked stiffly down the perfectly muggle street, knowing that her appearance was wildly out of place here. Her cloak billowed out around her, but Lily didn't care what anyone thought. Her parents were gone. They couldn't be shamed by her untamed hair, uneven eyebrows, and wizarding clothes. She stopped on the driveway of her childhood home, staring at the house. The lights were on. A new family was making memories in there. She wondered if they would strive so hard for perfection. Would the kettle have to sit just-so on the stove? Would every blade of grass have to be trimmed to the exact same length? Would those kids be suffocated as she had been?

 _How could James have let this happen?_ She turned away from her childhood house, taking the familiar path towards the park. How could James have let Sirius get so presumptive? She held onto her rage, nourishing it until she reached the wooden and rope swing. Lily sat on it, frowning. How could Sirius have known? _I'm not being fair_ … She didn't want to be rational about it, though. She didn't want to think about the look on James' face. He'd been just a clueless as her. It was too obvious to ignore.

"Lily?" She gasped, half-falling from the swing as she whirled around. She leveled her wand at Severus Snape, heart hammering with alarm. "Lily, what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same." The words were breathless. In that moment, she realized she was afraid of him. Lily narrowed her eyes, reminding herself that she wasn't some weak little swot. Snape rushed forward, and she took a few steps back, wand still aimed. He held up his hands to show that he was unarmed. _Doesn't matter_. She reminded herself _. He's better than anyone thought. He can do wandless magic._

"I still live in Spinner's End." He said, gaze darting over her like a man starved. "Why did you come?"

"Certainly not to see you." Lily spat rather than admit any piece of the truth. His face fell.

"I've missed you."

"I've heard Voldemort loves you." She sneered, remembering the last time a conversation went like this with him. He'd kissed her and sent her running to James.

"I can protect you." Snape's eyes widened with sudden urgency. "Lily, listen to me. You have to trust me—"

"No."

"Lily…"

"How the bloody hell can you expect me to trust you?" Lily shouted. "You're a _Death Eater_ , Sev! I am a muggle born witch! You're whole premise is hating people like me. _Killing_ people like me! And yet you ask me to trust you? Are you mental?"

"Lily, I love you."

"I married James." He flinched like she slapped him. "I love _James_. Nothing you do will ever change that. Even if he were to die, I would _never_ love you."

"He's lazy, arrogant—"

"Talk bad about my husband, and I will send you to Voldemort in pieces!" She hissed, hand tight around her wand. Would Snape know it was an empty threat? Could she bring herself to hurt him?

"Lily, he is a useless piece of shit." Snape's face closed off, as old anger came boiling forth. "He will lie to you; manipulate you into trusting no one but him!"

"You know nothing of James."

"He would see you die!" So maybe it hadn't been an empty threat. Snape ducked her curse, scowling. "He'll use you as a means to his own end, Lily. _Surely_ you remember what he was like—"

"My memory is working perfectly fine." Her lip curled with disgust. "Maybe he was arrogant as a boy; but you are arrogant as a man, Severus. All the faults James had when we were kids? Everything you're sneering at? I see that in _you_. Right here and now. And him? He's kind and loyal and clever. Loving." She glowered at Snape, wondering how it all got turned around. "You don't know the man I love because you're blinded by ignorance. You? You're cold, calculating—"

"Lily, I love you."

"That's disgusting." Her filter was gone, but Snape clearly didn't care. He tried to approach her again, hand extended.

"You have to trust me." He pleaded, eyes full of anguish.

"No."

"Dennis Worthen."

"What?"

"Worthen. He's in the Order." Snape's gaze was intense. "He's been feeding us information for months. Look into him, Lily."

"How do I know you're not lying?" She demanded suspiciously. She knew the name, but not the man. She didn't think he'd been trusted with the location of the new Headquarters.

"You have to trust me." He pressed, still reaching but several feet too far to touch. His eyes shone with tears. "There's someone else, too. I'm sorry. I don't know who. He speaks directly to the Dark Lord, and _only_ to him. He's trusted."

"I don't trust you." Lily said flatly.

"I can protect you." Snape insisted, stepping forward. "I've done everything I had to; to make sure he would allow me to have you—to protect, Lily. I love you. I will always love you."

"You know that makes you perverted, right?" She glowered at him, dropping her arm to her side. "Lusting after another man's wife. _I do not love you_ , Severus."

"Lily—"

"Please, Sev." She said softly. "For your own sake, just let me go." There was agony on his face, and he kept reaching, but she took careful steps back, staying out of reach. "I have never felt that way about you. We were friends, and nothing more than that. I am in love with James Potter. I am married to him. Someday, I will have children with him."

"Lily, that's disgusting." It felt like he slapped her. It was too much on top of everything else. He wasn't hearing a word she was saying.

" _You_ disgust me." She spat, glowering at him. "How do you justify it to yourself, Sev? Loving me when you know I'm married to someone else? Or does some piece of you really think that I might love you someday? You really think I could love someone like you? You kill people because a madman orders you to—because somewhere in that twisted mind of yours, you believe the lies he tells you. You believe that the half of you that's pureblood is somehow better than all the rest of us mere mortals! I could never love someone like that."

Harsh words. The harshest she'd ever spoken to him. Snape was frozen, staring at her. A small piece of her felt bad, but she had a very intimate experience with how close he was to Voldemort. She guessed that whatever protection his obsession had afforded her was now gone. In a way, she hoped it was.

"Stay away from me." She growled, apparating directly to the flat before Snape could respond. It was empty, deserted. Lily wandered around the space, waiting for Snape or another Death Eater to find her. She wouldn't risk apparating to Godric's Hollow without wards around the house.

She thought about Snape; his words against her marriage; her words in defense of James. Her love for him. Lily leaned against the wall, blowing out her breath in a sigh. How was it that Severus Snape could get her to run to James twice? _I love him. Someday I will have children with him._ Where better to raise this supposed child than a house as warm and comforting as the one in Godric's Hollow? If they never kicked Sirius and Remus out, then it even came with built in baby sitters. Could it get more convenient than that? _Bloody hell, why am I even thinking about this?_ Lily banished thoughts of babies. They had to win the war first. It was apparent that no one was going to track her apparation. Lily returned to Godric's Hollow, letting herself through the gate. James was sitting on the porch, waiting for her. She sat beside him on the swing, spending a moment in silence.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly. "I overreacted."

"I know how you feel about houses." His voice was just as quiet. "I didn't know they were planning this. I would have—"

"Please stop." Lily glanced over at him. "They're completely right. The flat is too small, and we both know it. I've thought about moving someplace bigger, but not really enough to consider a house."

"We can just move it all back." James offered, gaze guarded.

"No we can't!" Sirius' voice was muffled by the door. James rolled his eyes pointedly, scowling.

"This isn't about you!" He called back, turning back to her as Sirius and Remus gave up on eavesdropping and came out.

"This is about all of us." Sirius argued, arms crossed. "You two are being stupid. It's a bloody house. Isn't this part of marriage?" James winced, and she thumped her head against the back of the swing.

"Not this one."

"You're both mental." Remus said flatly, also glaring at them both. "If we're all living together, then we need this house. If you don't want to live with us, you could just say. We'll get our stuff and go—"

"No." Lily shook her head. "This is something that James and I have talked about. Part of the reason I said no the first time is because of this." She waved her hand to indicate the house and lawn. "This is what I thought marriage was about—having the perfect house, perfect lawn, perfect children. It's not what I want." She glanced at James. "It wasn't our plan because of that."

"Oh." Sirius said blankly, blinking a few times.

"You're an idiot."

"Remus!"

"What? She is." He shook his head impatiently. "It's a house, Lily; not a dungeon. You're still married to that idiot. Just because this is a house doesn't mean he'll sudden know how to pick up his socks. If you have the two of us around, I can guarantee there will be pranks. We'll probably get gnomes in the garden, because Padfoot thinks they're great fun to play with. No one's going to suddenly enjoy doing the dishes, so we're going to have a pile to the ceiling in a few days." He gave her a perfectly condescending look. "Being in a house doesn't change who we are. You married a Marauder. Deal with it." He turned and stomped into the house, leaving them to gape after him.

"Moon's in a few days." Sirius said by way of explanation, shrugging off Remus' pique. "But he's not wrong."

"He's not." Lily agreed with a sigh. "I'm sorry I overreacted, Sirius."

"You wouldn't be Lily without a temper." He winked before fitting himself between her and James on the swing. "You don't mind do you?" He draped an arm around their shoulders. Lily started to laugh and lean into him before catching herself. Would James mind? He said nothing, but he pushed Sirius off and rose to go into the house.

Lily didn't move, not leaning into Sirius but also not moving away. She stared across the lawn; at the houses sharing the street with theirs. Remus wasn't wrong. She wished he'd let her finish her thought before speaking, though. She'd had every intention of saying something similar to explain her change of heart.

"Is it just me, or do you also feel some vague sort of guilt whenever we're alone these days? Like we're doing something wrong?" Sirius wondered aloud.

"No, I'm right there with you."

"I felt that catch of yours."

"Everyone keeps insinuating things." Lily sighed. " _I_ know there's nothing there. _You_ know there's nothing there. I'm worried that if enough people say it James will start to wonder." He nodded his agreement, though didn't say anything immediately. They didn't move, and his arm was still draped across her shoulders.

"Who talked you around?"

"Beg pardon?" Lily frowned, confused.

"You talked to someone." Sirius glanced at her. "Someone convinced you that the house wasn't a problem before Remus scolded. Who was it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She rose, shaking her head at him. "I am capable of coming to rational conclusions, Sirius."

"You scratch your nose when you lie." Lily hastily dropped her hand to her side, glaring at him. She retreated into the house rather than defend her statement. There was only one person she was going to talk to about Severus Snape, and it certainly would never be a Marauder. Moody needed to know his warning about Worthen. If Snape was right… She didn't want to think of the implications of him betraying Voldemort for her. She found James in the master bedroom, running a hand over their old comforter.

"I'm not mad." Lily said quietly.

"You made it very clear…" James trailed off, shooting her a twisted smile. "I feel like an ass, you know. This wasn't any bit of my idea, but it still feels like I've tricked you into it."

"I don't mind. Honest." She went to him, rising on her toes to kiss him softly. "I overreacted, and we both know it."

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure."

* * *

"Evans." Moody nodded to her, magical eye whirling around to watch every inch of this dark corner. She sat down next to him, holding her tongue on complaints about her name. He'd always called her 'Evans', and she guessed he'd continue to do so until the day he died.

"I have information." She said quietly, watching his reaction closely. "I don't know how much to trust the source, but he's in the inner circle."

"Who?"

"A childhood friend." Moody's eyes narrowed. "He was Slytherin at Hogwarts, and we had a falling out fifth year. He says he loves me, and Bellatrix always said that I wasn't killed because of him when I was captive. He's…laid claim to me." She couldn't help but shudder. "And I ran into him two days ago. I went home—to my childhood house—and we lived in adjacent neighborhoods. Apparently he still lives there."

"What information?" Moody asked shortly.

"He said Dennis Worthen was a spy. Claimed that he's been feeding information to the Dark Lord for months." She couldn't even begin to guess what was going through Moody's head. "He also said there was someone else—someone we trusted—that met with Voldemort exclusively. He didn't know who it was. Made it sound like no one did."

"Worthen, I believe." Moody grunted, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "We had it down to him and two others." Lily forced herself to not ask who those others had been. "I will tell Dumbledore this."

"Sir, I don't know if we can trust him."

"We may not have a choice." He rose, looking down at her with both eyes. "If this kid tells you more, come to me immediately."

"I will." Moody's expression was grim as he turned and left the pub. Lily stayed behind, frowning at the wood grain of the table. Dumbledore would know the reference. He knew everything that went on at Hogwarts. He would know that Severus Snape gave her that information. She wondered if she'd hear from him again. She hoped she wouldn't. The piece of her that remembered their friendship fondly wanted Snape to move on; to find someone else and love her. Clearly, he was loyal once you had his affection.

Lily rose, unwilling to linger for too long. She feared being alone these days; knew that they all did. And she didn't want anyone to ask where she'd been. Things were complicated enough as it was without adding Severus Snape to the mix.


	28. Risky Business

"Well this is familiar." James said cheerfully.

"Get called to the Headmaster's office often, did you?" Lily asked sardonically, less enthusiastic about this little trip than her husband.

"Often enough." He ruffled his hair self-consciously, a rueful smile on his face. They stopped together in front of the gargoyle statue, and Lily took a deep breath. "Mars Bars." James said to the statue. She followed him onto the staircase.

It was too late to hypothesize over the reason for this meeting. They'd been guessing at what Dumbledore might want ever since they received his owl last night. Sure, they'd been going on missions that were handed out from him directly; but that was always through Order meetings. It was never like this covert meeting outside of the Order. It sniffed of betrayal to her, but Lily allowed none of her suspicions to cross her face. She smiled pleasantly, and kept her hand tight around James'.

"Good afternoon." Dumbledore greeted from behind his desk. His blue eyes sparkled merrily as he looked between them. "And may I say again, congratulations."

"Thank you." Her smile was genuine as she glanced up at James for a brief moment.

"Why did you ask us to come?" James asked bluntly, gaze fixed on their former Headmaster.

"Straight to the point?" Dumbledore rose with graceful ease. "Alastor and I have spoken, and there is a set of missions that we feel is too important to risk with the Order as a whole." He stood before his desk now, eyes glittering with purpose. Merry blue seemed to morph into hard steel. "As you may or may not know, there is a spy in our ranks. Until we ferret out who it might be, there are some secrets that must be kept."

"Do you have any leads?" James wondered, frowning in thought.

"We caught one." Dumbledore said, gaze fixed on her. Lily tried her best to not squirm beneath his unblinking look. "And have reason to believe we have another of the more insidious version."

"It's not Sirius." He said flatly, hand tight around hers. She was starting to lose feeling in her fingers.

"It is someone we believed trustworthy—someone to whom the new Headquarters was entrusted."

" _What?_ "

"It is supposition only." Dumbledore tempered. "Handed to us by a desperate man with a wild hope." Lily frowned, uncertain she liked the implications. Had Snape given her that information in the hope that it would tempt her to leave James?

"Merlin." James freed her hand into order to rub his face with both hands. "Can it get more complicated?"

"Don't say that." Lily chided immediately. "Of course it can."

"A joyful beacon you are, Lils."

"I'm being practical." She crossed her arms, transferring her gaze back to Dumbledore. "So why are you telling us this?"

"I trust you both." He said flatly, a statement that was enough to make them both pause. Lily's mouth went dry. "You've made it very clear that you fight best together, and while Moody disagrees with the pair of you as partners, we are short on options."

"Sir?"

"What I am going to ask of you is more than I have a right to." His gaze was heavy, mouth twisted in a grim line. It was so far removed from the man she'd known as a schoolgirl; always with his bright, twinkling eyes no matter the gravity of the situation. This was a different man. _War changes everyone_. "There are things that need doing; missions that are guaranteed to bring you across Death Eaters or worse; missions that are more likely to end in death than safety. I am asking you to reserve yourselves for those missions—to put your lives on the line for the greater good."

"What will we be after?" James asked, body rigid.

"Information." Dumbledore answered. "Secrets that may lead to Voldemort's defeat. People, if we need them. Objects that you may not see any value to obtaining."

"You won't explain why we're after these things, will you?" His tone was almost accusing. Lily glanced at her husband from the corner of her eye. Was this him refusing? Though it made her blood ice in her veins, Lily was ready to agree. She would give her life to Voldemort if it meant the bastard's death.

"No." Dumbledore's refusal took her aback. James scowled.

"And yet you ask us to basically throw our lives away?" He demanded darkly. "You'll trust us to die, but you won't trust us with the reason we're dying? That's bloody nice of you."

"I will explain as much as I am able." He said coolly, promising nothing. She exchanged a glance with James, unable to read either man. Or perhaps she was just unwilling to feel the same as James. She _thought_ he wanted to refuse. Lily left her arms crossed, glancing around the Headmaster's office.

"Who else will be going on missions like these?" She asked, wandering over to a curved disk filled with viscous liquid. Lily frowned at it.

"One other pair."

"Who?" For a moment, there was silence in the office. Lily left her back to Dumbledore, even though it was her question. She was transfixed by fleeting images she saw in the bowl.

"Alastor Moody and Sirius Black." She whirled around to gape at him.

" _Sirius?_ "

"Don't you trust him?" Dumbledore inquired, expression giving away nothing.

"Of course." Lily glanced beyond him to James. Had her husband known about this? "I just thought _you_ didn't." James was scowling at the floor.

"He's from the ancient and most noble house of Black." James spat, hands clenched. "Which means he can go places that few can. You're going to pit him against his family."

"He was eager for the opportunity." Dumbledore said blandly. "And refused knowledge of Headquarters. I believe he said 'there will be less for me to betray should I get caught snooping.' Admirable of him." James looked closer to cursing than praising his best friend.

"Excuse us for a moment." He hissed, stalking forward to grab her elbow. Lily thought about protesting just to be contrary, but thought better of it. This was a decision they had to make together, and it would be easier to talk without Dumbledore breathing down their necks. James drug her to an out of the way corridor, shoving her rather unceremoniously into a broom closet.

"Is this necessary?" She scowled, kicking a bucket out of the way.

"You're not honestly thinking of agreeing to this, are you?"

"You aren't?"

"Lily, he's all but said that he's sending us out like pigs for slaughter!" James cried, hazel eyes darting over her face. "And fine, I will grant that you've never seemed to much care for preserving your life; but I don't want to lose you because of the whim of some old man!"

"I… I'm not… You…" Lily blinked a few times, unsure of which piece of that statement to refute first. " _Excuse me?_ "

"I will not let you die." He grasped her shoulders tightly.

"You won't _let_ me?"

"Lily, please just hear me out." James seemed ignorant to the dangerous amount of anger in her voice.

"How dare you presume to tell me what to do?" She tried to shove him, but James didn't budge.

"We are married, Lily." He snapped. "That means we make decisions together. You're not hearing anything I'm saying."

"I'm hearing that my opinion doesn't matter because I might die."

"And you clearly don't care about that. Would you care if I died?" Her lips parted with surprise. Lily blinked at him a few times, gut clenching and twisting. She lost her ability to speak, sick with horror. "It's not just about you." James said gently, brushing a few loose strands of hair from her face.

"But without me, you would agree to this." Lily whispered hoarsely. "And without you, I would. So why not together?"

"Because I'm petrified of losing you."

"You can't wrap me up in bubble-wrap and keep me safe." She ran her fingers through his hair. "I won't let you."

"What's bubble-wrap?"

"Potter." Lily rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "You really should have taken muggle studies."

"Seriously, though."

"It's a packaging thing that keeps things from breaking when you're moving." She glared at him. "That's not the point."

"I don't like that he's not going to give us information." James grumbled.

"I don't like it either. He's maddening."

"But it doesn't mean he's not right." He heaved a sigh, pressing his forehead to hers. "I'm sure they wouldn't have brought us on if there was someone better."

"There might be someone better." Lily shrugged loosely. "Some auror or two that's been doing this sort of thing for years. But we're both—prepared and trustworthy. Face it, James; do you really want someone else to do this? Someone who might not be so loyal?"

"Bloody hell." He kissed her fiercely, and Lily clung to him. Was this a death sentence? Were they making some manner of massive mistake? She pushed him back eventually, tugging him from the broom closet. She paused outside the gargoyle statue, glancing at him.

"Are we doing this or not?" She asked.

"We are." James sighed, ruffling his hair. "My reasons not to are purely selfish."

"And it's not selfish of me to demand that we risk our lives like this?" She frowned at him, seeking any bit of hesitation.

"You're not wrong that I would've already agreed if we weren't together." He said with a wry grin. "We fight better together regardless."

"We're not going to die." Lily said firmly, turning to the statue. "Mars Bars." Dumbledore seemed entirely unperturbed as they came back in. His eyes sparkled over his half-moon spectacles. "When do you need us?"

"Three days." He answered immediately, irritatingly unsurprised by the question. "I will have a direct floo from your house to my office in place by then."

"We'll see you then." James was already turning to go, a scowl painted on his face. Lily stayed still, eyes on the Headmaster.

"Yes, Mrs. Potter?"

"Is that a pensive?" She wondered, nodding to the bowl in the corner.

"It is." Dumbledore nodded gravely, lacing his fingers together. "But it does little good to leave unwanted memories within one."

"Then why do you have it?" A blush rose in her cheeks. Was her question really that transparent?

"To never forget." He rose, opening a panel of the wall. From it came a revolving rack of stored memories. Lily gaped at the collection, though she didn't approach. Each appeared to be carefully labeled. Dumbledore leaned against the bowl, staring down at the swirling pensive. For once, he looked as old as he was.

"Thank you." Lily shifted away, retreating from the fatigue etched in his body. Dumbledore was strong; unbreakable. So why did he look so broken in that moment? His eyes sparkled in their trademark way when he looked at her again. The signs of fatigue and age were gone. Had she really seen it?

Lily turned fully, following James from the office. They said little on their way back to Hogsmeade, each lost in their own thoughts. The half-formed idea of a date night was forgotten. They went home, and Lily was unsurprised that James left shortly after with his broom. She went down to the basement, sitting in Moony's cage. For a long time, she sat and thought of nothing, keeping her mind carefully blank.

 _To never forget_. Dumbledore's words came back to her; the way he'd spoken them; the deeper meaning behind it. She hadn't really considered getting rid of her memories of her time in the cell, but taking them from her mind—putting it all at one remove… Lily ran her hand down the cool smoothness of the steel. Even six months later, all she had to do was close her eyes to remember the pain, the smell, and the utter certainty that she was waiting to simply die.

Instead of dwelling, she thought of James. It was both touching and exasperating that his first thought had been about her; his instinct had been to refuse only so she would be safe. _But I'm not safe_. She gazed across the dark basement. _No one is safe while that madman is loose. Even just going on regular Order missions is no different_. Death could find them easily. Every mission was a risk. These days even walking down the street was a risk. Lily heaved a sigh, wondering if she was selfish for wanting to jeopardize everything to win this war. _If I'm selfish, then so be it._ She couldn't find fault in wanting to make a difference. There would be some other way she could compromise with James.

Someone joined her, and Lily knew without looking that it was Remus. She wished it were James, but she guessed he'd still be flying laps around the moon. Maybe Sirius would be with him. Hopefully, they would help each other. For a long time, she and Remus sat together in silence as shadows grew in the basement. She wondered at his demons. She wondered if Dumbledore was covertly using Remus against Voldemort. He was gone often during the day, and she never knew where he went or why.

"Knut for your thoughts." She murmured. Remus snorted a humorless laugh, and was silent for another long minute.

"I feel useless." He said softly. "Sirius is now going out on dangerous missions with Moody. You and James have secret meetings with Dumbledore. And I'm just over here twiddling my thumbs like I don't care."

"You do care." Lily frowned slightly, tilting her head so she could see him. Remus was scowling at the floor.

"If I wasn't a werewolf, they wouldn't be questioning me."

"But you are."

"Thanks, Lils. I had no idea." The words were biting; laced with pent up anger.

"So?" She prompted, nudging him.

"So what?"

"It's something unique." She shrugged. "How can you use it to our advantage?" Remus stared at her blankly, confused. "Voldemort is actively recruiting werewolves—how many side with him simply because they fear refusing?"

"Probably not many…"

"But maybe there are a few." Lily pressed, nudging him again. "Not all werewolves are bad, you know. I live with this really sweet guy—"

"Just stop." He rolled his eyes at her, but she could tell he was listening.

"Talk to Dumbledore." She encouraged. "Even if you're not recruiting them to our side, maybe you could spy. If you can tolerate being around other werewolves…?" She left the thought hanging, but there was open astonishment on his face.

"And you're not worried I'll change sides because of it?"

"No." Lily snapped, scowling at him. "Say it again, and I'll start smacking you upside the head. You are a good man, Remus Lupin. I'll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me."

"You're sweet, Lils." He murmured, eyes soft. It was neither agreement nor argument. She wanted to push the issue, argue him in circles until he had no choice but to believe her. But she knew she couldn't. It was his demon to wrestle. She grinned and nudged him again instead.

"Let's go upstairs." She suggested. "Get a meal together for whenever James decides he hates thinking."

"Meeting went that bad, did it?" Remus grunted as he rose, following her from the cage.

"It wasn't _bad_ , per say." She shrugged loosely. "But what he's asking…" Lily blew out a breath.

"Can't tell me?" He guessed glumly.

"There isn't much to tell." Lily admitted. "Dumbledore is so damn vague about everything. He just has a set of missions that he thinks can be entrusted to only a few, and James and I are on that list. He said they're dangerous and have a high likelihood of bringing us across Death Eaters or worse."

"What's worse?"

"I don't even want to know." She tried to laugh, but it came out strangled. "I'll tell you when we find out."

"You agreed?" His eyebrows peaked in surprise.

"Almost didn't. James didn't like the idea of me possibly dying. Which isn't to say that I savor the idea of _him..."_ She couldn't get the words out— _him dying_ —so she gestured vaguely. "But I won't sit on the sidelines for a bit of fear." Lily slammed a pot on the counter, wincing at the clash it made. Remus touched her shoulder gently.

"I wasn't insinuating that you should." He said gently. "Just come home, okay? And bring Prongs with you."

"I will." Lily promised. It still took her a few minutes to relax, and stop expecting his next words to be condemnation for her stubbornness. They spoke of shallow things—thoughts of moving around furniture and handy kitchen charms. They'd charmed a spatula and fork to duel each other and were mid-battle when James and Sirius trooped through the door together. Sirius drooped with exhaustion and mud covered his clothes. But he was grinning and joking with James. Lily caught the tail end of a joke he was saying at Moody's expense. There was life in his eyes that had been missing for weeks. She grinned as the boys started cheering on the warring utensils.

 _Now to just find a way to bring life back to Remus…_

* * *

Lily didn't savor the idea of breaking into someone's house. There were too many things that could go wrong; too many variables to keep track of. What if the house wasn't empty? They'd been tracking movement to and from the house for three days—monitoring the people who came and went while listening to bad radio and bickering over snacks. James was approaching the mission with a certain level of glee. Maybe it wasn't surprising, considering he'd spent his youth getting into all sorts of places he shouldn't have been.

They walked arm-in-arm down the sidewalk, giving off an air that this was where they belonged. It was a perfectly muggle street—a rather odd place for one of Voldemort's safe houses in Lily's opinion. James had spent most of the last three days getting obsessed with cars, leaving her to do most of the watching. Lily didn't mind—it was better than listening to him complain of boredom—but she worried just a bit about where this obsession would lead him. She'd caught him talking to Sirius about cars and motorbikes two nights running.

She pushed thoughts of cars and bikes to the side as they wandered up the path to the house. _Merlin, let this be a simple task!_ A whispered _alohamora_ unlocked the door. James pushed it open, muttering a handy spell that Dumbledore had given them to reveal any human presence in the house. The spell was quiescent. Lily hoped it was reliable and accurate. She whispered other spells to try to detect traps, careful to stay far enough from James to not get caught in the same trap, if they so happened to trip one. They looked for a stash of dark books—searching for a clue as to whether or not Voldemort _had_ tried to immortalize himself. The sitting room, kitchen, and bedrooms held nothing of interest. James sought for hidden doorways.

"Maybe this is the real reason Dumbledore wanted us." Lily muttered after he'd found a hidden room attached to the office. James winked, slipping into the room alone. She stood wary guard, but James reappeared quickly.

"Dirty, dirty man." He muttered, wiping his hands on his trousers.

"Oh?"

"You don't want to know." James shook his head at her. "Think dirty."

"Ew." Lily made a face, turning away from the room without peeking inside.

"None of it is spelled. Or at least, none of Dumbledore's tricks revealed anything."

"That's almost worse, I think." She snorted, shutting the hidden room with a flick of her wand. He hummed in agreement, though she had to wonder just how much of him actually agreed. _Men_. Lily shook her head, poking her nose in every nook and cranny she could find.

"Lils?" She craned around to find James behind her. "Time."

"Right." They left together, shutting and locking the door carefully before strolling casually down the drive. James whistled a cheerful tune, and she grinned, linking her arm through his. "I feel like this was shockingly easy."

"It'll get worse." He said with perfect conviction. "Bastard's just easing us into it."

"Be nice, Potter." Lily chided, bumping him with her shoulder.

"I am being nice." James protested. She rolled her eyes pointedly, though didn't argue. They'd reached their car, and he tried to be sneaky, opening the passenger door to wave her in. Lily snorted wordlessly, stalking to the driver's side without pause. "Oh, come on, Lily!" James complained. "I never get to drive!"

"You don't know how to drive." She snorted. "I'm not about to end up wrapped around a tree for your over-enthusiasm."

"I can and will learn." He grouched, arms crossed stubbornly.

"Of that, I have no doubt." Lily muttered under her breath, pulling out into traffic carefully. It would have been nice to be relaxed in the passenger seat, but up until three days ago, James had never been inside of a car, much less have driven one. It was nonsensical to her; but she supposed that was the difference between being raised muggle and being raised a wizard.

Without consulting James, Lily drove for downtown London. Surely his sense of direction would be such that he'd know they weren't heading for home. She waited for him to question her, but James was sulking. _Is there a way to ensure he doesn't leave the parking lot?_ She found herself wondered. Was it worth the effort to teach him to drive? She couldn't guarantee that he'd listen to her precautions, so she was loath to actually let him behind the wheel. James frowned as she parked on the side of the road. He stayed in the car as she got out and went around to open his door.

"Coming, Potter?"

"Coming where?" He asked suspiciously.

"Date." Lily answered simply, biting back a laugh as he perked up immediately. "Hope you don't mind a muggle place."

"I don't have muggle money."

"Remus traded some galleons in. He agreed that we ought to have a stash." She grinned at his surprise. "I'll show you where we keep it, though you have to promise not to tell Sirius. He'll have too much fun spending it."

"True enough." James laughed, threading his fingers through hers. "You planned this, did you?"

"I _hoped_ that today would be as simple as it was." Lily allowed, blushing at the amount of forethought she'd put into it. Would he remember her nagging him this morning to wear something nice? "So I made a reservation at my parents' favorite place. After all, we've been married for three months as of today."

"You're the best, Lils."

"I know." She winked.

"Modest, too." He teased.

"I learned that from you."

"Touché."


	29. Hufflepuff's Cup

She was reeling from the news. Thirty-three missing persons, twelve confirmed dead; all in the last month. Lily buried her face in her hands, flooded with guilt she hadn't felt in months. Just yesterday, she'd been laughing herself to tears over the Marauder's antics. Halloween brought out the inner child in her boys, and it was made twice as bad thanks to copious amounts of alcohol. Now… Now she couldn't escape the war. Her throat was tight, and guilt threatened to consume her.

"Hey." Alice collapsed in the chair beside her.

"Hey." Lily mumbled through her hands. She was too depressed to consider whatever lingering resentment she felt for Alice Longbottom. They hadn't spent much time together since their fight, though Alice had apologized a few times. They were paltry apologies at best, and she'd never modified her opinion of Sirius. At least not to Lily's knowledge, though she knew Frank was aware of Sirius' covert work with Moody. He'd shared a few missions with them.

"Are we losing?" Alice wondered, slumping over the table.

"I dunno." She sighed. "Maybe."

"I feel so stupid right now."

"Oh?"

"I was so bloody _happy_ this morning." Alice moaned. "I'm so damn ignorant." Lily glanced over at her. Alice was pale and crying soundlessly. Was she even aware of her tears?

"Alice?"

"I'm pregnant." She choked over the words, and for a moment, Lily wondered if she was even happy about it. "Merlin, Lils, I'm such an idiot. I _wanted_ this. Frank and I have been fighting for months trying, and… Damn it, I was so happy. We've known for a few days, and I was so… _relieved_ because I wouldn't have to go on missions." Alice swiped away tears angrily. "Now, I realize I'm just a bloody, selfish bitch, and it's too late to do anything now! I mean—"

"Alice, stop." Lily shifted to put her hands on Alice's shoulders. "You want a child more than anything in the world, right?" She nodded mutely. "So have your baby. At least there's one happy thing in our lives, right?"

"It's not fair." She whispered hoarsely. "What about all of those people?"

"I don't know." Lily admitted. "I was thinking the same as you, though. We had a grand old time celebrating Halloween, bloody forgetting about all the suffering going on right now."

"It feels like I can't breathe." Alice moaned, allowing Lily to pull her into a gentle embrace. "I want this baby; more than anything in the world. But I feel so _guilty_."

"Sirius would tell you to just stop feeling guilty."

"And what would you say?"

"I'd say… I don't know how to make the guilt go away. I throw myself on death's doorstep every day just to keep from being overwhelmed. I admire you, Alice, I truly do."

" _Admire?_ " Alice scoffed coldly, though she stayed snuggled under Lily's arm.

"You're not putting your life on hold for a madman. You're not unfeeling to the pain that others are going through. So you can't go out in the field anymore. That doesn't make you useless. There are other ways to help; even if it's nothing more than making sure Frank's taken care of after his missions."

"I can't ask him to stop going." She muttered, gripping Lily tightly. "I've thought about it, and I want to ask him so bad it hurts. But I can't. It's what he wants; it's what he needs. This war needs him more than I do, but Lily, I'm so scared. What if he doesn't come home?"

"He will." Lily whispered with conviction she didn't feel. Everything was a risk. She held onto Alice tighter than she needed to. "And you'll have a beautiful baby with him. And your baby will grow up to be a great person. He'll do wonderful things, I just know it."

"You're an amazing person, Lily Potter." Alice mumbled. "I hope I can be half as forgiving as you someday."

"Don't be silly, Alice. You're twice as forgiving as me, or have you forgotten what kind of brat I was fifth year?"

"I can't believe I'm pregnant." She sighed, instead of responding to that. "I've wished for it for so long that it seems like a dream. Too good to be true."

"I could pinch you." Lily offered innocently. "Just to make sure you're really awake."

"Brat."

"You know you love me."

"I do know that." Alice pulled back, smiling weakly. "And I hope you know how sorry I am that I took some of my frustration out on you."

"I'll keep you around." Lily teased. "If only to have a girl to talk to. Marlene doesn't answer my owls anymore."

"She's just jealous of what you and James have. She's bitched at me over Frank recently, too. I guess her think with the muggle isn't going well." She shrugged loosely. "Frankly, the fact that you're all so trusting over there in that house is astounding."

"James is the trusting one." Lily shrugged loosely. "Maybe someone else wouldn't have the right kind of respect for his friends and wife, but I know James does and I love him for it. And he doesn't have anything to worry about."

"I'm sorry a million times over for insinuating that he did."

"It is what it is." She sighed. "I still feel guilty for feeling any manner of happiness."

"But you're doing something." Alice reminded her. "At least you're doing something about this war."

"There are opportunities for you without you ever having to go to the front lines." Lily hoped she'd take them. They needed all the help they could get to win this war. "All you have to do is look for them. And I expect to hear updates, missy. Remind me that there's more to life than missions and death, got it?"

"Got it." She tried to smile, but it was faint. They were quiet for a minute before Frank joined them. He didn't sit, though he won a more genuine smile from his wife.

"Ready, babe?" He asked, resting his hand on her shoulder.

"Ready." Alice rose, and they shared a soft kiss. "I'll write, Lily."

"Tell me all about it." She stayed still, watching them walk out together before looking for her own husband. James was locked in an animated discussion with three aurors. From the looks of things, they were sharing spells and tricks. Lily watched without making a move to join.

"Hard to take, isn't it?" Peter sighed, settling at the table beside her.

"It just keeps getting worse." Lily agreed, playing with the tips of her hair. "How've you been? You haven't been over to the house recently."

"Mother keeps me busy." He shrugged. "And I have watches every other night—graveyard shift most times." Peter made a face. "I miss you guys."

"You have a room at the house whenever you want it." She reminded him. "We don't have to be around for you to come over."

"I know." His smile was genuine. "And I appreciate it, Lils, I really do. I wish I could take you up on it more, but I don't like leaving mum alone."

"Has she gotten worse?" Lily wondered, still uncertain as to what exactly was ailing his mother. None of the boys had ever said directly, and she wasn't willing to pry.

"Holding steady for the most part." Peter lost his smile, frowning at the table. "I just worry. She has trouble walking."

"If you ever need anything—"

"I know where to find you." He squeezed her hand. "James and Sirius have said the same more times than I can count."

"Good." Lily said simply. She knew Peter struggled with his self-esteem. Pounding it into his head that they truly were his friends seemed like a decent way to help bolster his confidence. She didn't ever want him to think that she'd replaced him in his circle of friends. She still couldn't manage a genuine smile, though. Her heart was heavy. Even when James made his way over to them, she could only offer a grimace.

"I should get going." Peter sighed, nodding to James.

"Tell your mum I said hi."

"I will." Peter rose and shuffled off. Most were leaving, and James held his hand out to her. She took it silently, letting him lead her to the door. Lily was glad that apparation was difficult to track. What could they say if people asked why they were going to Hogsmeade rather than to home?

The streets of the village were deserted. There was no one around to watch them trek beyond the fence line towards the Shrieking Shack. Though she knew perfectly well that the Shack had been haunted by a werewolf only once a month on the full moon, Lily still felt a tremor of worry when James ushered her through a hidden door at the side of the Shack. The inside was as much of a mess as the outside. Lily wrinkled her nose, but said nothing as she followed James through the Shack to the tunnel that would lead them to Hogwarts. How familiar was this for him? Had they ever come outside of the full moon just to have a place to hang out? She wouldn't ask, though she wondered.

"Did Alice tell you the news?" James asked once they were deep in the tunnel.

"She did." Lily nodded at his back. "Oddly torn for how desperate she was to have a baby in the first place."

"Frank's the same way." He snorted, shaking his head slightly. "Stupid time to realize how ridiculous it is to have a child in the middle of a war. They should've realized months ago."

"Alice doesn't want to fight, though. I don't think she ever did."

"There are other ways to get out of it than to have a baby."

"I agree wholeheartedly." Lily shrugged. "Why do you think I nag so much about the charm?"

"That does get old after a while, you know." James grouched as the ground began to slope upwards. "I forgot _once_ , and you've never let it go."

"And you haven't forgotten since, so my nagging is justified."

"Irritating." He corrected under his breath. Lily chose not to argue. He'd remember just to spite her, and it was enough. There were certainly times when she didn't even think about it. She just needed to make sure one of them remembered.

They emerged from beneath the Whomping Willow, and James paused for a beat to point out the knot at the base of the tree that would freeze it. Lily wondered how no one had figured that out before—and then wondered why anyone would bother. She rolled her eyes at herself, thinking about it only to keep from worrying over what sort of mission Dumbledore had in store for them.

They walked to the Headmaster's office in silence. There was tension in the silence, but Lily attributed it more to the upcoming mission rather than lingering resentment James might feel towards her nagging. If he was feeling resentful, then she knew he'd get over it before they left. Contraception charms weren't something to hold a grudge over.

"Mars Bars." James said at the base of the gargoyle statue. She took his hand as the stepped onto the staircase, wanting something to hold onto.

"Good afternoon." Dumbledore greeted as they walked in. "I am glad you could make it on such short notice."

"You said it was urgent." James reminded him.

"Indeed it is a matter of some urgency." He waved them over to his pensieve. "There is something I want you to see—an object that I need you to obtain."

"What object?" Lily wondered, though Dumbledore simply gestured to the bowl. Keeping her scowl purely internal, Lily leaned forward. It wasn't so much a memory as an image; a snapshot of time. She was aware of the buzz of conversation floating around, but the only thing she saw was a cup sitting on a wooden table. Everything around the cup was fuzzy and indistinct. The cup was ornate gold with a badger imprinted on the side. Lily tried to look at every angle, uncertain of the value.

Abruptly, she was in Dumbledore's office again. She met James' eyes over the pensieve, seeing the same confusion in him. They turned to the Headmaster, but Dumbledore was across the office, stroking the feathers of his phoenix.

"What is it?" James asked, glancing at the pensieve briefly before stepping away from it.

"Something that I believe is important to Voldemort."

"A gold cup?" He deadpanned, voice thick with disbelief. "Forgive my skepticism, but are you mad?"

"James!"

"He is right, my dear." Dumbledore smiled, unperturbed by the question. "You do not know Tom Riddle—what drives him; what means the most to him. To explain would take time that we do not have to spare."

"It's a bloody cup."

"It is the cup of Helga Hufflepuff, and as such holds great value to Riddle."

"He was Slytherin, though. Right?" James frowned.

"Indeed he was, Mr. Potter. It is not the House, but the tie to the school."

"You're speaking in riddles." James complained, glancing at her for support. Lily nodded just slightly in agreement, trying to follow Dumbledore's train of thought.

"Tom Riddle was an orphan. A boy who had no home before Hogwarts." He started to explain. "Hogwarts has been the only home he had, and as such, it is my belief that the school is precious to him. He applied a few years ago for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. And I haven't been able to keep a professor for more than a year since." Dumbledore's eyes became glassy as he looked off to the side. They waited for a minute, but he didn't elaborate.

"Professor?" Lily prompted.

"Yes, my dear?"

"That still doesn't explain the cup."

"I have a theory." Dumbledore said evasively. "One that I hope is inaccurate, but fear is inevitable. I believe he is gathering artifacts from the founding fathers, and will do terrible things with them."

"Like what?" James demanded, scowling.

"Immortalize himself through means that I will not speak of." The gravity in his expression was daunting. "Know only that darker magic there is not."

"So you want us to fetch this cup?" James hazarded, frowning. "To keep him from using it?"

"If he hasn't used it already." Dumbledore nodded slowly. "It is a dangerous task. The cup will either be guarded by his followers, or it will be eagerly sought by them. I cannot guess which." Lily swallowed back a curse, glancing at James from the corner of her eye. His face was pale, though his eyes glittered with determination.

"You know where it is?"

"I know where it was last kept."

"That's a start." James sighed, ruffling his hair. "What happens if it's not there?"

"Then I'm afraid I must ask you to find it." Dumbledore said gravely.

"How?"

"I do not know."

"Perfect." James grumbled, glancing towards her. "Let's go before it's gone to some shit corner of the world."

"Where are we going?"

"A manor house in Batavia." Dumbledore answered. "Owned by the Lestranges."

" _What?_ " They cried in unison. Lead filled her stomach. Horror made it hard to breathe. "You want us to break into…" James couldn't get the words out. He gaped at Dumbledore, shocked speechless.

"It is a difficult and dangerous task." He repeated. "One that cannot be trusted to anyone else."

"It's _suicide!_ " James shouted, hands clenched. "You _know_ that house will be guarded and guarded heavily!" As much as Lily wanted to help the Order's cause, she couldn't help but agree with James. This mission was beyond the point of acceptability. It was too dangerous; too risky. If they weren't going to brave an assault on those houses to rescue people, then why were they risking everything for a stupid cup?

"It must be done." Dumbledore's gaze was hard and unforgiving. "If you find that cup, it could grant us a path to victory."

"Pretty words." James sneered.

"We _must_ know what kind of magic he has used for immortal gain."

"That was a passing rumor!" He sputtered, shaking his head.

"It is more than rumor, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore wouldn't lie. Lily stared at him, horror closing her throat. James was dumbfounded, gasping like a fish out of water.

"You mean he can't be killed?" Lily whispered numbly. "That this is all for nothing?"

"It is never for nothing." Dumbledore said sternly, blue eyes full of fire. "There is a way to defeat him. No matter what he has done, Tom Riddle is just a man. _We need that cup._ "

She looked at James, heart heavy. Would they die on this mission? Would she lose him so soon after finding him again? Lily heard him agree to Dumbledore's plan, though her ears roared. She clutched his hand, head nodding in agreement with her husband without conscious prompting. This was the choice that had to be made. There were no second changes in war; no room for regret. She followed James from the office through the floo, mind whirling in circles. How could they make this work?

The house was quiet. Sirius and Remus were gone, and Lily was eternally grateful. How deep was her resolve? She sat at the kitchen table across from James, staring at him. Would this be the last time they were together in this house? _Come home_. Remus had told her. _And bring James with you._ Lily took a deep breath, promising the memory that she would find a way.

"What are we going to do?" James whispered, fear evident in his voice.

"We're going to go to that house. We're going to find the ruddy cup. And we're going to be home in time for supper." Her voice shook.

"Good plan." He offered a wan smile.

"Have a better one?"

"No." James ran his hands through his hair, scowling. They were quiet for a minute. Lily closed her eyes, trying desperately to formulate a plan of action. She was fixated on the possibility of death. It was too real. This was the first mission that she was given that had such a certainty of disaster. Every other time had been accidental. "Can I say something terrible?" James mumbled through his hands.

"Sure."

"I wish it wasn't us. I wish I'd never heard of the Order; that we were wholly outside of this stupid fight."

"Thought of that." Lily sighed, pressing her hands to her face.

"But it is us." James continued, voice firming. "So we're going to have a bloody plan. We're going to go and find the stupid cup. And we're going to be home in time for supper." He rose abruptly, stalking from the kitchen. Lily stayed where she was, grateful for him; for the admission and his resolve. At least they were on the same page. James returned with a thick, leather-bound book.

"What's that?"

"Pureblood thing." James shrugged, flipping it open. "Way back when before my family got wise, we were part of the coalition. And some old fart decided it would be great to share floor plans between families. That way, a pureblood would never be lost."

"And the Lestrange place will be in there?"

"Here's to hoping." He swung it around, having found the page with the manor drawn out. "Merlin knows how accurate this is. All I know is that the house is built against some manner of cliff. The Potter mansion was put in here, but we modified it on three different occasions since. Looks nothing like the drawing—or at least it didn't."

"Do you miss the mansion?" Lily wondered, glancing up at him rather than at the floor plan.

"I never would've wanted to live there." James shrugged loosely. "I miss the family, though. I wish more of our house elves had escaped the fire." Sadness crossed over his face briefly. "These drawings won't show us any secret passages, and if I had to guess, they'll have this cup thing in some hidden part of the house."

"Undoubtedly." She agreed, accepting the change in topic without argument. "But hopefully we won't be totally blind."

"Just mostly."

"Stick to the positive." Lily chided for lack of anything better to say. "Do you think the landscape will be similar? I'd say we come in from the west here, and hope this door is still functional."

"And unwarded."

"It'll be warded."

"Maybe we should bring Moony. He's fantastic with those sorts of spells." James traced his finger over the path she said, nodding to himself. "We'll have to play it by ear once we're inside. There's very little we can anticipate other than the fact that there's going to be a lot of dark curses around the place."

"You're better at finding hidden things than me." Lily said. "So you poke around, and I'll play with charms and keep a wary eye."

"I'd have suggested the same, so works for me."

"Write a note to the boys, and give me a minute to grab a few potions in case we need them."

"Potions?" James questioned.

"I've been brewing a stock pile of useful potions—healing, unsticking, burning, and plenty others. You never know." Lily flapped a hand at him. "I have that bottomless bag now…"

"That really was a good purchase." He muttered, most of his attention on the book. She turned for the stairs without admitting that she hadn't actually bought the bag. That it had been a final gift from his mother. Now was certainly not the moment to be discussing such things. Lily gathered any and every potion she had, thinking that there would certainly be things she couldn't anticipate. Who knew how a hangover potion would be helpful, but she threw it in the bag. It was weightless and endless. There was room to spare.

She returned to James as quickly as she could, chiding herself for trying to stall. He was finishing the note, invisibility cloak draped over a chair beside him. Lily congratulated his foresight, grabbing the cloak to stuff it in her bag.

"No." James forestalled her. "Let's go under it."

"Smart."

"I have my moments." He spent a moment looking at the note he'd written, frowning.

"James?"

"Should we leave this?"

"Sirius'll never forgive you if we don't." Lily shook her head, confused. "Why wouldn't we give them some forewarning of where to find us?"

"Because he's likely to come after us." James explained, tapping the note. "He'll know how stupid it is for us to go knocking on the Lestrange's door."

"Leave it." She pressed, grabbing his hand to drag him back. "We might be thankful for him coming later."

"Maybe." He heaved a sigh and stopped resisting her tugging. They trouped out down the walkway. Lily battled the urge to look back for one last glimpse of the house. She would see it again. Tense silence followed them to the alleyway. James looked around warily before throwing the cloak over their heads. She wrapped an arm securely around his waist, bracing herself for side-along apparation. James paused, though, tilting her chin up to kiss her briefly.

She held onto the feeling of his lips against hers as they slunk through sparse vegetation towards a dark house. Lily looked for any signs of life and found none. Silently, she cast three charms to reveal curses. They were standing a foot from a nasty looking trap. James guided her a few more feet away. The chosen door held no curses, and opened at the slightest touch. Lily didn't find the lack of wards comforting.

They crept inside. The décor was gloomy; swimming in old money spent poorly. The air was musty and thick. Lily wondered if someone actually lived here anymore. She scratched her nose, stopping James to perform a few more charms. They revealed nothing. James started combing the walls and the furniture. It would be best if they could only pass through each room once. Lily kept her eyes peeled for signs of life, stepping carefully after James and performing revealing charms every few feet.

They were not alone in the house. They'd known that even outside the door, but so far, they hadn't come across anyone. Lily had to tap James twice when he started muttering to himself. He squeezed her hand briefly after the second, quietly thanking her for the reminder. It was a bad habit.

They were finished with the third room when voices reached them. They froze in unison, immobile with alarm. The voices were fast approaching.

"—killed, Regulus."

"I don't know what you're talking about." The second voice was similar to Sirius', if perhaps a trifle higher. Lily had a moment to wonder if he was here under cover when the two men came into view.

"You know damn well—"

"I'm telling you, Lestrange, you're barking." In another scenario, Regulus could have been a handsome man. But he was gaunt and pale. His back was to Rodolphus Lestrange, but Lily could see the fear painted on his face. It was gone when he turned to face Lestrange. "My loyalty is, and has always been, to the Dark Lord. I will do whatever it takes to prove that."

"He has wanted the Potter boy dead for months, and you've failed to deliver results. You had your chance, Black."

"I got Potter away from his goonies, didn't I?" Regulus sneered, hands balled into fists. "Planting Blakely in the Order—"

"A child could have fooled that auror."

"But—"

"Besides, he almost raped that girl, and you know how Snape is—"

"I don't give a flying fuck about the likes of Severus Snape! He'll betray us, mark my words!"

"There's as much likelihood of that—"

"He's in love with a muggleborn!" Regulus shouted, flinging his hands up. "How am I the only one that can see past this farce? I bet he's feeding Dumbledore information even now!"

"How dare you question the Dark Lord?"

"I don't question _him!_ "

"But you question his decisions by questioning Snape. Worry about your own fate, boy. I don't _have_ to warn you, you ungrateful little—"

Their voices faded out of the house. A slamming door interrupted whatever adjectives Lestrange had to describe the youngest Black. It wasn't until they were alone, hearing nothing but the sound of their own breathing, that Lily realized she was squeezing the feeling out of her husband's hand. His grip on her hand tightened when she would have released him. For a moment, she met his wide-eyed stare with one of her own. James gulped visibly before tugging her forward to the next room.

He moved faster now. It made the risk of missing something higher, but she wanted to be gone from this place. Her heart was racing. Fear made her twitch at every suspected movement. Lily bit her lip, almost hard enough to draw blood. They were deep within the house now. She kept expecting a secret door to appear.

"—did everything you said, My Lord."

"Good, good." They went rigid. Lily's breath left in a rush. "And Dawlish?"

"Everything is set." Lestrange answered promptly. "The werewolves are pleased that you are letting them out to play, My Lord." Voldemort's answering laugh was cold. The sound of shutting doors cut it off abruptly.

James' hands were tight on her shoulders. Fear and uncertainty pulsed through her equally. Did they abandon this mission? Come back on another day? She glanced up at James, finding similar panic in his eyes. But beneath panic was grim determination. He forced his fingers to loosen and gestured her onward. Lily swallowed hard, gripping her wand tightly. They moved slowly now, stepping lightly and cautiously.

Lily tried to think of the map of this place. Where were they in relation to what this house used to be? Her grip on the back of James' shirt was tight. By her estimate, they were in an expansion of the original house. It was taking too long. She wanted to bolt; flee from the possibility of facing Voldemort again. Her only consolation was the tremor in James' hands as he prodded through furniture. At least she wasn't the only one freaking out.

"Creepy crawly through the house. I see you; see you I do. Where hides the creepy crawly?" Would she ever forget the sound of Bellatrix Lestrange's voice. She tugged lightly on James' shirt. He waved a hand at her. He'd heard the odd, leering chant, but he wasn't pulling away from the panel of wall he was poking. "Find you we will. Trespasser." Lily jerked on his shirt, heart in her throat. She would believe the words at face value. Bellatrix knew there was someone in her house that shouldn't have been there.

A thud of wood sounded behind her. Lily jerked around as James straightened. They watched as the wall sunk back on itself and slid to the side, revealing the hidden passage behind it. James started to smirk as a disembodied corpse launched from the darkness. His smirk turned into a shout of surprise. Lily choked on a scream, tumbling from beneath the invisibility cloak. She knew where James was only for the fact that the corpse outlined his body.

" _Incendio!_ " She shouted, aiming wildly. Light shone over the heads of the Inferi, arching entirely ineffectively over the mass. But way in the back of the hidden room, past a veritable army of dead bodies, a golden chalice glinted from the light of the fire. She banished the Inferus clinging to James. A curse hit her square in the back. Lily dropped with a scream, feeling as though a thousand tiny knives were piercing her skin.

The curse ended abruptly, but she was dazed, struggling to untangle uncooperative limbs. James hauled her upright, face twisted in concentration as he fired curses at the doorway. More Inferi jumped at them, sending them sprawling to the ground.

"Incendio!" Lily shouted again; this time hitting several of them—and setting James' leg on fire. "Shit."

"Bombarda!" The wall and ceiling around the door collapsed.

" _Protego!_ " It blocked twin curses.

"Crucio." Voldemort's cold, clear voice was the last thing she knew. Lily heard herself scream, aware of nothing but pain. Every inch of her body was agony. And it was hot, so unbearably hot.

Cool air hit her skin. The first indication that Voldemort's curse was no longer on her. Something sharp dug into her ribs. Lily struggled against the fog wrapped around her mind. James' shoulder. His shoulder was digging into her side. Then a feeling a weightlessness, followed quickly by unforgiving earth smacking into them both. They were no longer in the house. Lily blinked rapidly, untangling herself and staggering upright. James was on his feet, firing and deflecting curses as quickly as he could. They were outside, halfway between the house and the steep cliff—exactly where they shouldn't have been. Voldemort was flanked by Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. Inferi swarmed around them, intent on her and James.

Fire erupted from her wand, driving the Inferi back. She fumbled for James. His attention was locked on the duel. He didn't have the presence of mind to apparate or even try to escape to safety. A curse lifted him from beneath her reaching hand, flinging him back towards the cliff. Lily screamed, forgetting the danger. Forgetting that Voldemort was mere feet away.

" _James!_ " He hit the ground and tumbled. She pelted for the cliff. There was a spell. What was the spell to stop him? He skidded and vanished over the rim. She cried out again, skidding to a stop on the edge. " _Aresto momentum!_ " Oh Merlin, was that so hard to remember? She didn't get a chance to see if his descent was slowed at all. Something struck her back _hard_ ; like an out of control bludger. She was too close to the edge. She tumbled, scraping her knees and elbows before the cliff face curved away from her and dumped her into open air.

Lily was not a flier like James. She could enjoy a pleasant ride on a broom, but she was not reckless as he liked to be. She didn't like the sensation of free falling. And now she was plummeting through open air with nothing to catch her. Waves crashed against rock beneath her. She'd never tried to stop her own movement with a spell. She screamed the incantation, repeating it again and again in her head. Some piece of her accepted that the spell worked. She hit the water like a ton of bricks rather than splattering like an egg. It knocked the air from her lungs, but didn't knock her out cold. Her back screamed in bitter agony. Was it from falling, or was it that last curse?

She flailed her way to the surface, gasping as her head broke free. Lily drug in a mouthful of air that turned abruptly into seawater as a wave crashed over her. She choked, driven under by the force of the wave. _Merlin, I hate swimming!_ She flailed her way to the surface again, choking up water, scarcely able to draw a breath before another wave overwhelmed her. Her vision was full of black spots. She needed _air_. She clawed for the surface again, hardly knowing if she was swimming up towards the surface or flailing deeper into the ocean. Feeling was leaving her.

Then she was flying again. Her body broke the surface of the water, and she slammed into something hard. Something that caught her and held her as she vomited up seawater and bile. _James_. She was a mess; vomiting and crying and trembling all at once. Gasping for breath and unable to lessen the terrible need for air from the panic coursing through her veins. She ran out of water to expel, hanging limply in his arms as she gasped and coughed. Finally, air seemed to permeate her lungs again. She could breathe.

Cold wind blasted into them. Lily shuddered, teeth chattering immediately. They stumbled, half-falling every other step, trying to get away from the spray of water. The outcrop of land was tiny, though. There was no escaping the spray of the ways crashing against the cliff-face. Her eyes caught on a rather large boulder. It would offer some manner of protection against the biting wind. James stumbled and fell. Lily caught herself, swaying and waiting for him to clamber to his feet. This time, he stayed down. She looked down at him, and the world swooped around her. _Vertigo_. She half-fell, trying not to land on him. Lily groaned, bracing herself over top of James. His shirt was stained red with blood. She fumbled for her bag, catching a hard spray of water in the back. It knocked her forward. Lily scraped her chin on rock, staying sprawled over James for a moment too long. She _hurt_. It would be so easy to just give up. To curl up beside him and never move.

 _Focus, bitch_. Lily straightened as best she could, summoning a healing potion. She tore his shirt open, hands shaking too much to be delicate about the process. James had a nasty gash across his stomach. She gagged, and had to lean as far from him as she could to throw up what little remained in her stomach. Her vision wavered as she dripped the potion over the gaping wound. It took her a few minutes to realize her vision was suffering for the tears swimming in her eyes. This kind of wound could kill him.

"I won't lose you." She mumbled thickly, finding her wand and racking her brain. What was the healing spell? She choked on a sob, curling over him. The spell came to her, and she whispered it, stemming the flow of blood and stitching his skin back together. It was a superficial fix. The best she could do. It wasn't nearly good enough. "This is my fault." He was unconscious. He couldn't argue against her. Lily cried, doing her best to shelter his body with her own. She didn't trust herself to try to move him behind the protective rock. Didn't trust herself to move the rock to a better spot. She shivered with pain and reaction and cold. She was soaked to the skin, and the November air had a bite of winter to it. Had they survived the fall only to die at the base of the cliff?

 _Apparate_. His glasses were lost and she didn't remember the cloak, but she gripped his wand and hers, locking her arms around James. _Apparate_. Lily strained, but it didn't work. A low moan escaped her. They were caught beneath the apparation barrier. Trapped. She snuggled against James, willing the heat in her body into his. She hadn't come this far just to lose him. She couldn't escape the fact that they were likely to die before help came. She blinked against heavy eyelids.

 _I have to stay awake._ She couldn't protect him if she was unconscious. Her body trembled. She battled the darkness threatening to steal her vision.

 _I have to…_

Dull roaring brought her back from the darkness. Lily blinked, seeking through the blackness. A light shone, growing larger and then passing overhead. The roar got louder and louder. Lily groaned, resting her cheek back on James' shoulder. Her face felt like it was on fire. His shoulder was cool. His whole body was cool; a stark contrast to how she burned. Which was worse? Fever or freezing? She didn't know.

The light returned, zig-zagging over the ground, passing over them a few times. Lily groaned, wanting the light to go away. In the blackness, she could rest. She could escape the suffering of being alive. The roaring got even louder. The light was blinding.

" _Mad-Eye!_ " Cool hands touched her heated skin. She managed a muffled groan of protest as someone lifted her away from James. "Merlin, you're burning up."

"Black?"

"They're here."

"Merlin." She was passed into a different set of hands. "She's burning up."

"They both are." The voice was grim. "Let me get him in first."

"Hurry up, Black." They carried her closer to the roaring. Lily blinked, seeing the fuzzy outline of a motorbike. How had a muggle motorbike gotten to this crop of rock?

"Put her here." She was straddling the bike, wedge securely in the driver's arms. James was beside her. He wasn't getting left behind. She licked dry lips, wanting to speak; to acknowledge the rescue. The bike's engine revved, and it was the last thing she remembered.


	30. Morning Sickness

She woke slowly; brain working sluggishly to unravel how she'd come to be laying on this bed. Lily blinked at whitewash walls, irritated by how familiar she was becoming with the inside of St. Mungo's. There was no one waiting at her bedside, which either meant she'd woken faster than they'd anticipated or James was seriously injured. She hoped it wasn't the latter.

Lily closed her eyes, relaxing against the mattress. She was starting to regret agreeing to be Dumbledore's personal errand runner. This would make the fourth time in the last month a mission had landed her in St. Mungo's, starting with that stupid mission to the Lestrange house. Her stomach flipped in circles. Lily sternly told it to behave, not wanting to even think about moving. Her body ached with a dull reminder of half-healed injuries lying beneath new ones. She utterly refused to throw up again. She'd been vomiting so frequently in the last month that it was now a running joke in the house that pain would make her throw up. She'd never had such a problem with nausea before.

The door opened and squeaked shut again. Lily forced her eyelids back, catching sight of Remus. He offered a wan smile, looking much worse for the wear than usual. She didn't have the energy to frown.

"You okay?" She wondered as he drug a chair over to her bedside.

"Shouldn't I be asking _you_ that?" Remus squeezed her hand gently. "You really need to stop doing this to yourself, Lils."

"Not my fault. How's James?"

"Battered and bruised, but they let him go yesterday when you were still wool-gathering. Sirius was brought in about an hour ago." Remus' face clouded over. "James is up with him."

"Bad?"

"Moody said they walked right into an ambush."

"Damn." Lily made a face, glancing beyond Remus to the door. Could she make it to wherever they were keeping Sirius? "What of Moody?"

"Scratched, but nothing major."

"Will Sirius be okay?"

"He's not going to lose a limb." Remus rubbed his hands over his face. "Might be here a few days with all the blood he lost. Moody said he was very lucky."

"What were they trying to do?" Lily wondered, frowning.

"Eavesdrop." He shrugged a shoulder. "You know how Moody is with giving out information. The note Sirius left yesterday didn't say much about it either. They were in York, but Merlin knows what's so interesting in York."

"Probably some dream of Dumbledore's." She rolled her eyes, relaxing back on the pillows. "Next thing you know he'll have us tracking down Ravenclaw's lost diadem!"

"He would." Remus snorted, trying to laugh and failing.

"And what of you?" Lily pressed. "You're looking like hell too, you know."

"Better'n you and Sirius." He shook his head slightly. "I've talked to Dumbledore, and he says Moody has come around. They want me to go underground."

"With the werewolves?"

"Something like that." Remus leaned back in his chair. "I'll stay at the house still. It'll probably be months before I do more than make overtures, and Dumbledore is hesitant about having anyone go fully undercover at this point. We need a better way of communication than patronus messages."

"Well, I'm glad you'll be at the house still." She sighed.

"Not tired of us yet?" He winked.

"Not yet." Lily laughed weakly. "Not until this war is over, and I don't have to worry about you making it home in one piece."

"You'll have a hard time convincing Sirius to move out."

"Then James and I will." She shrugged, unconcerned about the hazy future in which it would be just her and James on their own. "He won't shut up about beach houses, you know."

"I've heard."

"At least he's not talking motorbikes." Lily sighed. "It's bad enough that Sirius has that thing in the garage."

"That thing saved your life last month." Remus reminded her sternly. " _And_ it's bloody awesome. Don't hate the bike."

"It's a flying deathtrap."

"You were laughing when you came back from flying with James last week."

"Stop using logic." She wrinkled her nose at him. "I will not change my mind about the motorbike. Especially with all the magic Sirius is trying to put on the thing. He's going to break it."

"Have a bit of faith." Remus coaxed, grinning. "We'll drive you home on it and you'll see."

"At the rate Sirius is going, the stupid thing will only be good for flying. Driving on a motorway will be hazardous."

"Merlin, Lils." He rolled his eyes playfully, reaching to brush a few loose strands of hair from her face. She grinned in response, unwilling to change her sentiment towards the motorbike. It was a death trap. "I'm glad you're awake."

"It wasn't that bad this time."

"You've been unconscious for four days." Remus said dryly, scowling. "It was pretty bad, Lily."

"Nothing's broken, right?" She made a face. "I had more broken bones than whole after the Lestrange fiasco."

"And you didn't wait for them all to heal before you let Dumbledore talk you into another mission."

"Tell James to scold." Lily said flippantly.

"He's bloody worse than you are!" Remus cried, frustrated. "The both of you are ridiculous."

"When do you think they'll let me out?"

"When you're healed." He said flatly, rising. "Which will take _days_ , Potter."

"Remus, it's not that bad this time. I barely can feel it."

"They gave you potions an hour ago." Remus rolled his eyes at her. "I'd hope you're not still hurting after that."

"Don't be cranky about it." Lily scolded gently.

"I'll tell Prongs you're awake." He muttered rather than respond, which may have been just as well. She _was_ achy.

James arrived in short order, the frame of his glasses bent again. She offered up a weak smile, but his face was pinched and pale. He perched on the edge of her bed, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. Lily sighed, threading her fingers through his.

"I'm fine." She murmured.

"I know." Fatigue made his voice heavy.

"How are you?"

"Exhausted." James admitted. "Tired of this stupid war. Tired of being bait."

"Lay down with me." Lily said coaxingly, rather than admit she felt the same. Had it been her idea to agree to Dumbledore's schemes? She couldn't even remember. She reached up to lift his glasses from his nose, arm feeling like lead. James helped set them on the table, before fitting himself on the little bed beside her with only a slight grunt of pain. She wasn't the only one with a bad habit of lying to the healers to be released early. James had a bandage around his left arm, and she vaguely remembered him limping towards the end of the mission. She snuggled into him, grateful to have him in more-or-less one piece. Glad that he'd come out better than her this time. The healers would pitch a fit, she knew, with James sleeping beside her. But Lily couldn't have cared less. It was easier to sleep with him beside her.

* * *

Lily was getting very good at wordless silencing charms. She glared at the toilet in disdain, like it was the porcelain's fault she kept throwing up. She rubbed her hands over her face, sternly telling her stomach to quit rebelling. _What is wrong with me?_ She thumped her head against the bathroom wall, grateful that James was busy elsewhere. The last thing she needed was him worrying over her health.

Her stomach was finally quiet. Lily hefted herself from the bathroom floor, flushing away the last of her breakfast and cleaning the toilet with a quick jab of her wand. She blamed continued queasiness on her husband's poor cooking skills. She wandered downstairs, finding James handing Sirius a plate of food. She considered making a joke about his cooking and decided against it. She was the only one having trouble keeping food down. It would just add fuel to their jokes at her expense.

"Ready?" She prompted, leaning against the doorframe.

"More or less." James nodded, looking down at his friend. "Need anything else mate?"

"I'm not dying." Sirius grouched, expression dark. "Bugger off." James rolled his eyes, leaving him on the couch. Lily grinned. Sirius did not tolerate pain well, they were coming to find. It made him short-tempered and irritable. Add to the fact that he couldn't walk without help, and he was downright nasty. Remus shrugged it off better than James, though both were impatient with him. Lily wondered if either was aware that they bitched just as much as Sirius when they were the ones hurt.

"Lils?" James was behind her, hesitating on his way to the door.

"Sorry." She shook her head to clear it. "Lost in thought."

"Knut for your thoughts?" He grinned, leading the way.

"Just thinking that I'd gotten free of whiny, hurt men in the house, and now…"

"Hey!"

"You're a whiny baby when you're hurt, James." Lily informed him tartly. "Don't think that you're not."

"I'm not as bad as Sirius." James protested. She arched an eyebrow at him in skeptical disbelief. "I'm not!"

"If that's what you tell yourself." She teased, threading her arm through his to apparate to Headquarters. James scowled at her.

"I'm not a jerk about it." He pressed.

"Not intentionally."

"Evans."

"Potter."

"Damn it."

"Love you, babe." She kissed his cheek and went to sit beside Alice.

"What'd you say to make him glower so?" Alice wondered, looking beyond her to James.

"That he whines and bitches as much as Sirius when he's hurt."

"Harsh."

"It's true." Lily shook her head. "Believe me." She scanned the crowd, finding it smaller than she expected. "Have we lost more?" She wondered, trepidation rising in her gut.

"Just Maybel, but I think I mentioned that in an owl, right?"

"You did." Lily frowned. "So where is everyone?"

"Moody called a small meeting." Alice shrugged. "Wanted to discuss what happened on his last mission with Sirius. I guess it was bad."

"More than just an ambush?"

"I would assume. Be patient and you might find out." She winked.

"Brat." Lily shoved her gently, grinning. "You're supposed to have all the answers, you know."

"I have a lot of the answers doing paperwork, but Moody never fills out reports, so I have no idea—"

"Quiet down, you lot." Moody's gruff voice interrupted Alice. "As some of you are undoubtedly aware, we have been doing dangerous reconnaissance work for Dumbledore recently." Moody surveyed the grave faces before him. "We have uncovered two dozen names of wizards who have been placed under the Imperius Curse to do You-Know-Who's bidding." Lily's gaze slid across the room to find James. His attention was locked on Moody. "We do not have exact information of what they are being forced to do, only that they are not acting upon their own will."

"So what do we do about it?" Dedalus Diggle asked, frowning.

"That is what we need to decide." Fresh scars turned his face severe. Moody seemed to glower at them, magical eye fixing on each of them in turn. "The easiest solution would be to kill them—"

The room erupted in conflicting shouts, drowning out the rest of whatever Moody meant to say. Lily was on her feet, shouting as loud as the next person. How _dare_ he suggest to kill innocent people?

"Silencio!" Alice was the only one who hadn't moved. One hand was pressed to her belly; the other held her wand. She got to her feet carefully. "If we kill them, how does that make us any different than Voldemort?" She demanded into the silence. "We _cannot_ fall to his level. You cannot solve death and fear with more death." Alice spent a moment glaring before pointedly unsilencing only Moody.

"We cannot solve it by doing nothing."

"I didn't suggest not doing anything." She snapped. "Maybe we can't break the curse; maybe they can't help their actions. So lock them up! Put them in a place where they can't be used."

"We do not have the manpower to guard a prison." Moody argued immediately. Lily prodded Alice's arm, wanting to speak. Alice waved her off.

"Azkaban."

"There are no guards."

"The Ministry has aurors stationed there." Alice crossed her arms, glaring. "I know, because I've been in charge of the roster. There are _good_ aurors stationed there. Maybe it's not perfect, but it's _something_. It's a better answer than death." Moody was silent for a long minute, gauging her.

"Are you thinking with your head, girl; or the bit of you that's pregnant?"

"A bit of me?" Alice questioned dryly. "Maybe this is pregnancy talking, but maybe, too, it's what you need to hear. We _have_ to rise above; we have to be better than them! We can't act just like Death Eaters and call ourselves a better name and think of ourselves as better. We have to _be_ better. We have to be _just_ in our actions. If we are the light to Voldemort's dark, then we have to embrace the fact that our lives are harder, because the easiest path is rarely the right one!"

Lily nodded her agreement. A quick glance around the room showed that all of them were nodding. A smirk softened Moody's face. Alice glared at him.

"You only asked to see who would be stupid enough to take your bait." She accused, unsilencing them with a wave of her wand.

"We still have a mole." Moody shrugged unapologetically. "You passed the test, Longbottom." Alice muttered a few rude words under her breath.

"It still begs the question of what we're going to do with these people." Caradoc Dearborn said, arms crossed. "Killing them is obviously not the right answer, but can we really trust Azkaban? Even if there are quality aurors watching the place, there've been breakouts in the last few months. The place is laughably unsecure with the dementors gone."

"To our knowledge, the Minister is negotiating with their return to the prison."

"At what cost?" Dearborn barked. "The price of a few lost souls? And what happens when the Minister offers up our catches as collateral? Innocent lives to receive the Kiss? How is that better than flat out killing them? There has to be a better answer!"

"Hogwarts has a dungeon."

"And when some poor fool goes blundering where he shouldn't be?" James wondered dryly. "Trust me, there are students there who go looking for that sort of trouble. I was something of an expert at it not too long ago. Besides, Death Eaters have children, too. Maybe Hogwarts will be less secure than you think."

"You really think children could free prisoners from beneath Dumbledore's nose?" Diggle demanded, chest puffed with indignation.

"Yes." James said flatly.

"You dare—"

"It would shock you, the things that my friends and I got away with at that school." His gaze was hard. "I mean nothing against Dumbledore, but things happen. He is not omniscient." Again, Lily found herself nodding in agreement. The Marauder's _had_ defied description with some of the things they'd done. After all, three of the four were unregistered animagus, and to anyone's knowledge, no one knew.

"Maybe we don't imprison them." Lily muttered, thinking aloud. Incredulous glances were shot her way, but she ignored them. "Maybe this is the lead we've been looking for. We know who they are. So set tails on them—use these people to figure out what Voldemort's up to. Imperfect, obviously, but it's better than nothing, right?"

"And when we can't stop them from killing someone?" Dearborn groaned. "There are so many holes in that…"

"Bugger." Alice jumped to her feet, running from the room.

"What else are we going to do?" Lily demanded, only momentarily distracted. "We don't have enough people to guard a prison. And we have no guarantee that he won't make them commit suicide either."

"Damn it."

"We barely have enough people to set constant watches on two dozen." Frank sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We _don't_ have enough people unless I leak this to the department—to Kingsley actually—and get some aurors on the watch."

" _I_ will give the information to who needs it." Moody growled. "And be sure that only people whose intentions we can trust get—"

"Well we can't trust anyone!" Dorcas Meadowes exploded. "Isn't that the lesson we've been given? Isn't that _why_ there's so few of us at meetings anymore? No one can be trusted! Hell, we can't even trust our own shadows!"

"Trust is a risk." Moody snapped.

"It's a risk we have to take." James argued, ruffling his hair in agitation. "We'll find the mole—"

"How?" Dearborn shouted. "We've no better—"

"Oh will you just—"

" _Boys!_ " James snapped his jaw shut with effort, face dark with anger. Caradoc Dearborn had no reason to listen to Lily, and he whirled around with a glare.

"Why can't I demand answers?" He roared, hands balled into fists. "How do we know _you_ can be trusted?"

"You're really going to question my loyalty?" Lily spat before she could stop herself. "You little—"

"Lily."

"Mind your own business, Potter!"

"Oh, so you can tell me off—"

" _Oi!_ " Alice hit her upside the head, pointing her wand threateningly at James. "I have listened to the pair of you fight more than I ever wanted to. If you idiots start that we'll be here all night." She huffed loudly, though Lily just glowered at her husband.

"We're not solving anything by shouting at each other." Frank said reasonably. "Point of fact is that we don't have all the answers. I'm sure there's reason to question everyone's loyalty, including mine. But at the end of the day—"

"I will not be lectured into silence by you, Longbottom." Dearborn interrupted harshly. "I _know_ we have to trust each other. That we can't question everyone or nothing would ever get done. Let a man be frustrated, won't you?"

"No, I won't, because it's entirely counterproductive."

"Aren't you all high and mighty since you knocked up your wife?"

"Oi!"

" _Frank!_ "

"Alice, will you just—"

" _Enough!_ " Moody bellowed, shooting sparks down the length of the table. "This right here is why we're losing this war. Fighting amongst ourselves weakens us beyond measure. We cannot hope to contain these people. I will discuss monitoring their movements with Kingsley. Rest assured, some of you will be assigned to follow our friends."

"Says the man whose first instinct was to kill them." Caradoc Dearborn muttered under his breath. Lily snorted, fighting off a grin. He winked across the table.

"Watch it or he'll get a crush on you." Alice whispered in her ear.

"I'm sure James'll take care of it for me." She giggled, seeing the jealousy in her husband's gaze already. Or maybe he was contemplating ways to resume his argument.

"I'd pay to watch that."

"I will keep you informed and take all your money." Lily teased, nudging her. "So how've you been?"

"Don't ever get pregnant." Alice moaned immediately, slumping in her chair.

"Oh?"

"The morning sickness is _killing_ me!" She pressed her hands to her stomach, pouting. "And it's such a bloody lie. It's not just the morning. It's every bloody moment of the day I'm bolting to the toilet. I swear I'm going to throw up my toes one of these days."

"Sure you're not just sick?" Lily wondered.

"Not according to my mediwitch. She says this is pretty normal." Alice sighed dramatically. "Never again, Lily. Swear to you, no matter how much I want another child, do _not_ let me do this to myself again!"

"Yes, ma'am." She laughed, patting her shoulder. "But you did ask for this."

"You're not helping." She wrinkled her nose in disdain. "And I guarantee that Frank's just about ready to march his butt over here and tell me that I should go home and relax, because being out in this environment is stressful and it might hurt the baby. _Merlin_ , he's overbea—hi, baby!" Alice raised her eyebrows at Lily before turning to her husband.

"Shall we?" Frank asked, smiling.

"I'm catching up with Lily."

"She can come over later." He said, reaching a hand out to Alice. "You really should rest, love."

"Frank, I'm pregnant, not infirm."

"For me?" Even Lily was not immune to the wistfulness in his voice.

"I'll come over next week." She promised. "I'll bring James with me."

"You'd better, bitch." Alice hissed, glaring. "Traitor."

"You really should just rest." Lily informed her with patronizing condescendence; laughing when Alice took a swipe at her. She continued to giggle as Frank drug his wife to the door. Lily stood, debating joining James in what appeared to be a heated conversation with Caradoc Dearborn. Her stomach flipped over instead, and she went off to find a bathroom, cursing mentally.

 _There has to be some sort of stomach bug going around._ She thought fiercely. _It can't just be me and Alice_ … Her thoughts froze in place. _Me and Alice._ Her body went cold. _Don't panic._ Lily half-collapsed beside the toilet, frozen with horror. Alice was pregnant and throwing up because of a baby. Lily was the only other one throwing up constantly—exactly like Alice. _Oh Merlin._

She launched to her feet, flushing and cleaning the toilet automatically. She strode back to the meeting room, finding James locked in a debate that had little to do with the war. She didn't have patience for such things. Lily kissed his cheek, promising to meet him back at the house. She'd pick up something nice for Sirius on the way. James waved her off, distracted by his debate.

Lily fled Headquarters, heart hammering in her ears. _It's a bloody stomach virus, girl. You're not pregnant._ Her hands were shaking, though. She apparated to the muggle town her grandparents were from. She'd visited only twice. No one would recognize her here. She walked for a pharmacy, trying to count weeks in her head. All she managed to do was count her steps to the pharmacy—count them; stop herself; and then count again. _It would kill you to be put on the sidelines because of a child._ How long ago had Frank said that to her? He was right, and she was terrified.

Terrified and embarrassed to be purchasing a pregnancy test. The woman at the counter didn't seem perturbed by it. _You're married, dolt. Some people expect these sorts of things. Hope for it, even._ Lily went to the bathroom in the store, locking herself inside. Hopefully the woman wouldn't come tell her to go home first. Her heart hammered in her ears. She held the directions with hands that shook. _Had_ they forgotten the contraception charm? She _knew_ there were times she didn't think about it.

 _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

Lily sat on the floor of the bathroom, ignoring how dirty it was. She tried not to cry, because how unrealistic was it for her to be pregnant? She chewed on her lip, trying to formulate a plan. What would she say to James? Merlin, he'd be so upset. She wrapped her arms around her legs, hiding her face in her knees. _Will he be upset?_ She knew he wanted children. But that had always been in the distant future, after the war was won. He'd sneered at Alice and Frank for getting pregnant in the middle of it all. _He'll be mad._ Lily convinced herself easily, knowing that she wasn't being fair to him. But her own fears were hard to control.

Blue sparks came from the tip of her wand, indicating that she'd waited long enough. Lily bit her lip, reaching for the test. A whimper left her involuntarily. Two parallel lines stood prominently in the window. _Oh Merlin._ The world came crashing down around her, because her mental tally of weeks had to be right. If it was… If it was, then she'd been pregnant when they fell off the cliff at the Lestrange manor. She'd been risking not only her own life, but also the life of James' unborn child.

 _Oh bloody hell, I don't want this!_ Panic set in, and Lily could do nothing more than rock back and forth on the floor of the bathroom. _I'm not ready for a child! There's a war and James will hate me and I'll be a terrible mother and…_ She cried, trying to muffle the sounds. _I'm scared._ She was too young, much too young for this sort of thing. Forget the damn war! Even without it she wasn't ready to have a child.

She choked down her tears, grabbing the box and the lying test. She left the stall, throwing everything away. Lily sternly told her hands to stop shaking as she washed them and then wiped her face off to make it look less like she'd broken down. She left the bathroom, fleeing the pharmacy. It felt like she had it branded on her forehead; like everyone she passed would know that she was pregnant just by looking at her.

 _Those tests are not infallible._ Lily reminded herself. _You can ignore this._ She pressed her hands to her stomach, taking a deep breath. _Mum miscarried twice before she had Petunia._ Lily reminded herself, resisting the urge to really look at her stomach. She wouldn't be showing yet. Every bit of logic told her that. _What's the likelihood of you carrying this child to term? Especially if you continue going out on missions?_ It made her cold to think about risking everything like that. It wasn't fair to James. This was a decision they should make together. She knew it, but couldn't figure out how to tell him. She didn't want him to know. She didn't want to get benched on the sidelines just because they'd gotten careless despite her nagging. _Damn it, Potter!_ She resisted a strong urge to punch something, turning her steps to the local bakery.

She thought of James holding Molly Weasley's child in the middle of Diagon Alley. She'd never forgotten. She'd dreamed of him holding their child. James would make a wonderful father. She was the problem in this equation. She didn't know how to be a good mother. She only knew what not to be.

Lily purchased a cake for Sirius, hoping it would temper his mood. She vowed to go to St. Mungo's without James in the next few days. She'd hold out for the hope that the muggle test was wrong. She'd wait beyond the point of most miscarriages to tell James. She didn't want to get his hopes up and strain their relationship as her parents' had been strained. Her parents had talked about those lost babies frequently enough that she knew it took a toll on them. She'd figure out how to broach the subject soon. After her panic abated. Hopefully after she miscarried. The thought put a cold lump in her throat. Was it wrong of her to hope that she lost this child for no reason other than convenience?

 _I'm not ready for a baby… I want to have his child…_

How could she reconcile two such conflicting desires?


	31. Of Lies and Spies

_Lily Evans (if that is who you truly are). I am still not convinced of your intentions, however pure you believe them to be. I have met several times with our mutual friend. He assures me that you are quite real, but I find myself still uncertain. How can I possibly think to trust you? This work is my life. Our friend tells me that you have recently been married? I hope for your sake he is misinformed. I can think of no crueler fate than to be wed. The Potter name is one to be proud of, I'm sure. I've heard wonderful things about the elder Potters, and...wait, they died didn't they? I remember someone saying something about_ _dragon pox. Sorry for your loss, I guess. Now where was I?_

"Mrs. Potter?"

 _Right. The potion. I've spoken several times to our mutual friend, and he claims you are a master with potions. The best he has seen, which is almost enough to dissuade me from sharing my secrets with you. Certainly I was the best in my class! Just because you are ALLEGEDLY better at modifying and perfecting potions, doesn't mean you're the best! How could he_ —

 _"_ Mrs. Potter?"

— _believe you to be the best he's ever seen. Did YOU invent this potion? The nerve of some people. Alas, my request for volunteers has born little fruition. So I have included my work in this package in hopes that werewolves will take greater interest in a pretty face. You do have a pretty face don't you? Our friend said you did, but I really can never be too sure. You haven't gotten married have you? Marriage is the absolutely worst_ —

"Lily!"

"Mmf! That's me!" She jerked up, looking around wildly.

"I know." The mediwitch standing over her quipped, voice dry. "You've been ignoring me."

"I'm sorry." Lily flushed, tucking the letter away hastily. "I was reading. Long letter, you know?"

"Mm-hm." The witch spent a moment just staring at her. Lily fidgeted a moment before shoving the rest of the half-opened package into her bag. Damocles had finally sent her his potion, along with a rambling 3 page letter of nonsense.

"I'm sorry." She repeated, rising. "People call me Mrs. Potter, and I still look around for Grace. Who are you?"

"My name is Dani." The mediwitch thawed, grinning broadly. "Come with me, Mrs. Potter."

"Please, Lily is fine."

"Lily Potter." Dani said with a laugh. "Merlin, I still can't believe James managed to win over any girl, much less a pretty one like yourself. Where is he anyway?"

"Busy." She tossed her hair over her shoulder, wishing she had something to occupy her hands. Dani ushered her into a little office, shutting the door behind them. "I didn't tell him. I don't want to get his hopes up or anything." She'd practiced the speech three times in the shower this morning. It came out rather rushed and panicky.

"Were you trying to get pregnant?"

"No." Her face was hot with embarrassment. She wished Dani hadn't said it so loud.

"Well these things do happen. My own Amilie was a happy accident, and I wouldn't trade her for the world." Dani wore a bright smile, like accidental pregnancy was something to look forward to. "It's a simple spell that'll tell me if you're pregnant and about how far along you are. If I may?" She held up her wand, and Lily fought down the instinct to disarm her.

"M'kay." She managed, voice hoarse. She squeezed her eyes shut, not know what the spell would do and not wanting to see the result. It caused a warm, tingling sensation, starting just below her stomach and radiating out across the rest of her body. The feeling was brief, but Lily knew the answer before Dani spoke.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Potter." Dani said chirpily. "You're about eleven weeks along, possibly a little more."

"More?" Lily croaked. Alice was right around fourteen weeks pregnant. That meant she was only a few weeks behind—much farther along than she'd guessed.

"I'll know for sure in another few weeks." _Merlin, what am I going to do?_ "—potions to make sure the baby's—" _What am I going to tell James?_ "—should go away around the fourth month—" _Hell, how are we going to tell the Order? Or Dumbledore?_ "—any questions?" _What am I going to do?_ Lily met Dani's gaze blankly, unsure of what the mediwitch had even said. She was reeling because the spell wouldn't lie. "Do you know your mother's birthing history?"

"Yes." Lily whispered through numb lips. _Merlin, am I going to be like mom? Will I lose this one and the next and the next until James hates me? What am I going to do?_

"Lily, are you alright?" Dani asked, concern etched in her voice.

"Fine." She croaked. "Mum miscarried four times."

"Four?" The mediwitch repeated, eyebrows rising. "Do you know how far along she was each time?"

"No."

"That's alright. Is your family muggle?"

"They are." She agreed. "Were."

"Have they passed?" Dani asked gently.

"Yes."

"I'm so sorry for your loss." She leaned forward, brow knit with concern. "It's just you and James, is it?"

"No." Lily shook her head slightly. "We have... His friends live with us." _Sirius is going to kill me. What am I going to do?_

"I'm actually glad to hear that. It's very important to have a good support system, especially with your first child. You'll be happy to have them around after the first few weeks when you're ready to have a break from being a mother! And really, Lily, I can't stress enough—children are wonderful, but make sure you take the time to maintain your relationship with James—"

 _I'm not ready for this! There's a war, and James'll be furious. He thought Alice and Frank were idiots for trying, and now here I am just as bad as they are! What am I going to do? How can I be a good mother when my parents were so... Merlin, what I am going to do?_ Her thoughts chased in circles, drowning out everything Dani was saying.

"—miscarriages." Lily started, gaze jumping to Dani.

"What?" She blurted.

"Are you interested?"

"In what?" Lily asked blankly, feelings of inadequacy creeping over her.

"There are potions you can take to help make the baby stronger. They'll make you less likely to miscar—"

"Yes!" Her voice shot up three octaves. "Yes." She repeated as calmly as she could. "That sounds good."

"Perfect. I have a supply here for you. Now, I don't know how much you know about—" _Potions. I should take the potions. James will kill me if I leave this to chance. It's bad enough to go on missions with a baby brewing, but hell I can't back out just yet. Maybe I can find a convincing way to throw a fuss if Dumbledore hands us a moronic assignment. He did say he was going to try to take it easy for a bit. He's got some bone he's chasing. He just wants us staking out that house. Stake outs aren't so bad. I can be pregnant and go on stake outs, right? Never mind what happened to Dearborn and his partner at their last stake out. It's fine. No big deal. We've done a hundred without issue. I'll take the potions and everything'll be fine. It's fine. I'm fine. You're fine, Evans. Potter. Shit._

"Mrs. Potter."

"Yes?"

"Are you sure you're alright?" Dani asked, looking at her closely.

"Of course." Lily nodded quickly. "It's just a lot to take in."

"I understand completely." The mediwitch smiled kindly. "It can be overwhelming, but your son will be absolutely wonderful. I promise you, you'll never regret having him."

"Son?"

" _Shit!_ " Dani hit her palm to her forehead. "I'm so sorry. I should have asked—"

"I'm having a son?" Her voice was high, but Lily couldn't help it. Immediately, she thought of Molly Weasley's child. Would her son look like that? Would he have James' eyes? His hair? His smile? Her heart raced with nervous anticipation.

"I'm sorry." Dani repeated. "It's very early to tell, but I've been doing this a lot of years. The spell does a pretty good job of predicting, but it's not a guarantee. That'll come in a few months."

She was shaking. Fear and excitement twisted up inside her, making her stomach flip around in circles and her heart beat extra hard. It was overwhelming. Blindingly overwhelming. She hadn't the faintest idea of what to say or how to say it. _I need to tell James._ He was the one that wanted children. He'd be excited about this. Right? She was petrified he wouldn't be happy. What would she do if he didn't want this baby? If he left her because they were careless? _Pull yourself together woman!_ Mad, he might be, but James would never leave her. Especially not because she was pregnant!

 _I'm pregnant._ How hard would it be to say those words aloud? She'd practice between now and when she told James. Just to make sure she had the right inflection on the announcement. The right timing. The right emotion. She'd wait a few more weeks, just to be sure she wouldn't miscarry. Dani was sure she wouldn't now that she was taking potions to protect the baby, but pregnancy was never an exact science. There was still a risk. She had a few weeks left before apparation would become a danger to the baby. She'd be bored senseless if she were stuck in the house for longer than she had to be. Just a few more weeks before she gave up her place in the Order. It was okay. It was all justified. Her silence was perfectly justified.

She wasn't ruining her marriage by not telling James just yet.

* * *

"Why do you suppose they're all werewolves?" James wondered quietly.

"I dunno." Lily whispered back, shifting to a slightly more comfortable position.

"I can't see anything." He grumbled.

"You and me both." Lily sighed, trying to focus the binoculars to no avail. "I hate these bloody things."

"It's not that hard." James teased, nudging her.

"Jerk." She grumbled, hoping that he wouldn't suggest trying to get closer to the house they were spying on. Allegedly, there were books inside that house that detailed the dark magic Voldemort supposedly used to immortalize himself—if he so happened to have immortalized himself. That whole concept was still debatable. Lily had faint hope of actually finding the book. This was only one of ten possible places he could be hiding it, and not even the most likely according to Dumbledore. But their reconnaissance served a dual purpose. If Remus were to go deeper undercover, he'd likely be living in this house. The more they knew about it beforehand, the better.

But spying on it had proven to be a fruitless and frustrating venture. They couldn't get a good view of the house thanks to a thick, surrounding forest. And they'd only found one angle that showed people coming and going. Those they'd seen so far were known werewolves. But they had plenty of reason to believe their view wasn't on the main part of the house.

"At least it's an easy assignment." James muttered a little while later, obviously bored.

"True." Doubly good all things considered. Her chest tightened because of the secrets she was keeping, but now would be a terrible, terrible time to tell him about her pregnancy. Lily frowned through the binoculars, scanning for any sort of movement. _You'll have to tell him soon_. She reminded herself. Just yesterday, Sirius had made a joking comment about her gaining weight. James had defended her, though he had done nothing to deny a few extra pounds. Alice was crooning about her own baby-bump. Soon, very soon, it would be impossible to hide.

"Should we try to get closer?" James wondered, interrupting her budding panic.

"Do you feel like getting attacked today?" Lily retorted dryly, shaking off thoughts of babies and secrets.

"No."

"We're not going to gain visibility. Look at the undergrowth."

"I know." James grumbled. "I'm just bored."

"Going home in one piece too boring for you?" Lily teased, twisting to grin at her husband.

"Maybe." He jibbed, stealing a kiss. She laughed, leaning against him. _Having a baby won't be so bad, right?_ His arm slid around her shoulders. They cuddled together in the underbrush, absently watching the house. "I have a question." James murmured after a minute.

"Hm?"

"You have to promise to not get mad."

"Okay." Lily agreed warily, not moving, as James fished a rumpled piece of parchment from his pocket. Her name was printed on the front in script that was familiar enough to make her blood turn to ice. "Snape."

"I read it." James admitted, handing the letter to her. "An owl brought it yesterday morning."

"And you waited until now to show me?" She tried not to be irritated, looking at him for an answer without looking at the parchment.

"Read it." He gestured to the letter. Her eye twitched with annoyance, though she flipped the parchment open.

 _Lily,_

 _What are you thinking? There are corrupt healers in St. Mungo's. I know you've been there a lot in the last month. Why are you risking your life like this? I can protect you. I've told you, and I swear to you, I can keep you safe. Please let me help you. I love you._

 _\- S.S._

She stared at the note in mute shock, blinking a few times. She read it again just to be sure she got it right the first time. Her hand dropped subconsciously to her stomach. Lily wasn't aware that she had pressed tighter to James, until he squeezed her gently. Still, she read the letter once more, shaking her head slightly.

"You're bonkers, Sev." She muttered under her breath.

"You've seen him recently?" James confirmed hesitantly.

"On accident." Lily nodded. "Just briefly."

"When?"

"Right after we moved into the house."

"When you ran off?"

"Yes." Lily picked up her discarded binoculars, looking towards the house they were spying on. "I shouted. Told him I'd married you, and that I'd never love him like that—or at all, really." She paused. "He said it was disgusting."

"Bastard." James growled.

"I proceeded to tell him to fuck himself; that'd I'd chosen and married you; and would someday have your children." Her gaze jumped to him as her face heated. Would he know? Would James somehow be able to intuit that she was pregnant _now_ , not just in some hazy future?

"If you said that, then why would he send this letter?" He was frowning, though she didn't think it was anger. Lily heaved a sigh.

"He told me about Worthen being a spy. He said there was someone else—someone we've trusted all along—who was feeding information directly to Voldemort. Someone who knows where Headquarters is."

" _What?_ "

"James, don't shout!" She smacked his leg, looking around warily. The surrounding wilderness stayed quiet.

"We have _another_ spy? Wait...he fed you information?" James gasped, only slightly more quietly than his previous shout.

"He's desperate." Lily said impatiently. "He's in love with me, and he's not willing to accept the fact that I chose you. It's not my fault he's doing stupid—"

"I'm not jealous." He interrupted her. She paused, lips parted with surprise, because she'd assumed that he would be. "I was." James allowed. "Which is why it took me a day to ask you about this. But you're right, Lily. You did pick me, and we're married. I'm not exactly concerned with you running off to be with the likes of Snivellus."

"It's not about looks, Potter."

"You're not going to leave me for some psychopathic killer, Lily." James snapped impatiently. "And maybe you're thinking of arguing that it's not a fair assessment of him, but if you set aside the fact that he was your friend once and looked at it objectively—"

"He's a hired gun." Lily finished for him, pressing a finger to James' lips. "Voldemort is the psychopath; Snape is the guy stupid enough to believe the psychopath's vision. He's not a great guy, but I won't go as far as to label him a psychopathic killer. But he is an idiot; and _you_ need to stop shouting before someone figures out we're here. We _are_ on a mission still, dolt."

"Sorry." James muttered, finally dropping his voice back to a whisper. "So we're agreed on the fact that you're not running off, right?"

"Right."

"So what are we going to do about this?"

"This?" Lily held up the parchment just to make sure he wasn't changing the topic. "Nothing. I don't care for him, and I'm not obligated to return any owls he sends me."

"Remember you promised not to get mad." James reminded her. "Why not write him back?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Why not use him?" James was perfectly serious, watching her reaction solemnly. For her part, Lily could only gape in confusion.

"Use him?" She repeated.

"He's already given you information once, right? Why not play off his…whatever you want to call it, and see if he'll give you more? We _need_ a spy in his ranks."

"And you think _Severus Snape_ is the answer?" Lily barked, abruptly furious. "I will _not_ lead him on, James Potter! That is the most _vile_ —"

"I never said anything about leading him on!"

" _Writing back_ is leading him on! Any manner of positive response from me is only going to be confirmation that I love him back, which I don't! He's not a great guy, James, but that doesn't mean I want to hurt him."

"Lily, we could win this war because of him!" James argued, gripping her shoulders tightly. "Snape could very well be _exactly_ who we're looking for. Someone already on the inside—"

"And how do we know we can trust him? Just because he's obsessed with me, doesn't mean he'll feed us accurate information. And I don't even know if he'll tell me anything! It's not exactly something I can just ask for in a letter, and I _refuse_ to meet with him again."

"I second that." He nodded. "This all has to be letters, and I'm not saying that you overtly ask for information. We'll run it by Moody, who obviously knows that Snape's given you information before—"

"Obviously?"

"Come on, Lils. If he told you about Worthen and some other spy, you would have told Moody." James scowled at her. " _You_ are not the one selling us out. So Moody knows, and he can help us figure out which angle to play. Even if you write back and tell him to fuck off, Snape might take that as incentive to keep contacting you simply because you responded once."

"James, no one is that desperate."

"It's attention seeking, and I'm an expert at trying to get your attention, Lily. Why do you think I pestered you so much about going out? The only time you ever paid attention to me was when I pissed you off. So I kept pissing you off so you'd notice that I existed. This is the male version of logic."

"It's stupid." Lily said flatly. "And it won't work."

"Write him back and tell him to leave you the hell alone." James coaxed. "It's the right sentiment anyway."

"It's stupid." She argued. "And it won't work. He'll take the hint eventually."

"Ten galleons says you hear back from him in a week."

" _Fine._ " Lily spat, jumping to her feet. She grabbed James' collar and apparated back to the house without waiting for him to stand. She left her husband in an undignified heap by the front gate, stalking for the door, intent on finding a quill. She wrote three words in all caps on the back of Snape's note, fetching Orion from his cage.

 _I CHOSE JAMES._

"Ow." James complained, as she came back on the porch. Wordlessly, she showed James her response before tying it to the owl's leg and tossing him into the air. Lily stared at her husband, furious without quite knowing why. He met her gaze evenly. "Ten galleons, babe."

"No one is that desperate." Lily snapped, turning on her heel to stalk back into the house. James let her slam the door in his face, mature enough to not pursue a fight.

* * *

Five days later, an unfamiliar owl tapped on the kitchen window.

"Love note for you, Lils." Sirius called, trying and failing to shoo the bird out the window.

"From who?"

"There better be an explanation for this." She felt the blood drain from her face, but sure enough, her name was printed on the envelope in Snape's handwriting. For a long minute, she stared without making a move to open the letter.

"Ten galleons." James reminded her from the doorway. She could only imagine the smirk on his face. Lily turned to wander into the living room as James explained the exchange of letters to Sirius.

 _Lily,_

 _I know you're pregnant. Even if it's his, let me help you._

 _S.S._

She choked, whipping around to make sure no one was looking over her shoulder. All three boys were in the kitchen, taking bets on how soon Snape would turn spy for them. Lily darted for the stairs, hiding in the bathroom to pen a response. This needed more than a simple 'fuck you' reply.

 _Idiot –_ _Of course it's his, what kind of slut do you think I am? How do you know about it? Is Dani one of you? I know you want to help, but you really need to give this up. It's not safe for either of us with you contacting me like this. I do not love you. I don't even like you. Bugger off._

Lily glared at the paper, disappointed with herself for actually being worried for his safety. _It'll get an answer._ She rose, heading for the kitchen to where Snape's owl waited, feathers fluffed with impatience. By not pausing for a beat, she got the owl in the air and away before anyone could stop her.

"Oh, come on." Sirius pouted, staring longingly after the owl. "I wanted to read it."

"It's just nonsense." She wrinkled her nose at him. "And no useful information."

"It'll come." James said with perfect confidence, kissing her cheek. "We should let Moody know we're working the lead."

"I'll tell him tonight." Sirius shrugged. "We're taking a turn stalking that house, so we'll have plenty of time for chatter."

"Where do you stand with him?" Lily wondered, frowning. "I haven't heard any complaints about you recently at meetings."

"The last ambush helped." He left the kitchen abruptly, leaving her curiosity unsatisfied. James caught her before she could go stalking after him, though.

"It's an auror thing." He explained, pulling her to his chest. "We're taught to not talk about work outside of the office. I'm sure Moody's thrashed it into him even more now than when we were in training."

"It was a simple question." She wiggled from her husband's arms.

"Bets on when Snivellus will write back?"

"Not this time." Lily rolled her eyes, retreating to their bedroom. What if Sirius had read that before her? Lily chewed on her thumbnail. Now was the time to tell James the truth, right? She groaned under breath, throwing herself on the bed. Three stupid words. How could it be so hard to say?

* * *

 _Lily,_

 _She's not. But there are others. I wasn't implying you were a slut, I was simply assuming you had better taste than to sleep with him._

 _S.S._

* * *

 _Rude,_

 _I'm married to him if you'll recall. Do I need to explain what marriage means, because you seem particularly daft on this subject? Just saying._

 _P.S. LEAVE ME ALONE_

* * *

 _Lily,_

 _I love you. I'm only trying to help you determine what's best for you._

 _S.S._

* * *

 _Oh please. How can you possibly think to tell me what's best for me?_ _Stop writing me. You're starting to creep me out._

* * *

 _Lily,_

 _We need to talk. Meet me at the Leaky at 8pm tomorrow night. Come alone._

 _S.S._

"It's obviously a trap." Lily said flatly.

"You're obviously going." Moody ignored her completely, examining the deceptively simple note. The most recent in a string of broken correspondence that she hadn't bothered to share with anyone. She crossed her arms, irritated.

"He's a Death Eater." She reminded him impatiently. "He can't be trusted."

"Which is exactly why you won't be going alone." His magical eye fixed on her while he read the short letter once more.

"He'll know if James—"

"I won't send you with Potter." Moody scowled. "Are you daft?" She flushed with indignation, keeping her feelings to herself. " _I_ will go with you, and you'll tell Potter that you're on a mission with me. Don't give him a damn detail until we're done."

"Because lying has worked out so well in the past." She refrained from rolling her eyes by the slimmest margin. "It's a trap."

"I'm perfectly aware of that. He will try to kidnap you—by persuasion or by force. Make it clear that it won't work, and I will be there to make sure you're home in time for bed."

"Moody—"

"I'd have thought you were perfectly comfortable lying to James by now."

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Dani Tervera." He said flatly. Lily couldn't help but wince. "We have contacts in St. Mungo's for a reason, Lily Potter. I sent Alice to her when she needed a mediwitch. Dani told me that the only reason you didn't end up with someone worse was because you were on someone else's list."

"Mad-Eye, I'm not interested in a lecture." She growled.

"You're pregnant." Moody snapped, gaze hard. "And you've known for a few weeks now."

"I know."

"How dare you?" He hissed, voice low and full of anger.

"It's not my fault." Lily snapped. "It was an accident—"

" _I don't bloody care how it happened!_ " Moody roared. " _I ruddy love children, Potter! That's why I'm a fucking_ _auror!"_

"Will you stop shouting?" She hissed, face flaming as several people turned to stare at them.

" _How dare you risk the safety of this child?_ " He finished at the top of his lungs. Lily sank down slowly, wishing she could just vanish into the leather seat cushions. "Answer me!" Moody barked.

"We're in the middle of a war." She whispered, feeling about an inch tall. "I have to think of more than—"

"You have to think of more than yourself." Moody snapped. "More than your selfish desires. You have to think for two now, Potter. That child means more than you. He must. He means more than us all. Why do you fight so hard, Lily? What are you really fighting for? Because _this_ is what I'm fighting for." He prodded her belly. "The future. You are carrying the future. Children are the future."

"You hate kids." Lily muttered. "I've seen you around Molly's boys."

"I can love them without knowing what to do with them." Moody snorted. "I fight to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Children. What are you fighting for, Potter?" Heavy silence hung between them. Lily couldn't bring herself to speak; to even attempt to justify herself. It wasn't justifiable. "You _will_ meet Snape, because we need you to. After that, Potter, you will be forbidden from any mission. Exactly as we've done with Alice."

"Yes, sir." As much as she wanted to, Lily couldn't argue. Moody was right, and she was out of time.

"I'm disappointed with you, Lily."

"I didn't mean for this to happen." She hissed out, voice hoarse.

"But it did, and you have to live with the consequences of your actions. Grow up, Lily." He left her sitting there, alone in Shaver's Corner. The other patrons stared at her while trying to appear like they weren't. Her face felt like it was on fire. Lily rose and slunk from the bar, heart aching. _How am I going to tell James?_

A hand clapped down over her mouth and nose. Lily tried to shriek, jumping sideways in an effort to get free. She drug her attacker after her, stumbling over loose cobblestones. His other hand grabbed her wrist, sending her curse wide. She was trapped, pinned between a wall and Severus Snape. Lily growled in fury, struggling but unable to get free.

"What are you doing here?" He snarled, shoving her further into an alley. Her elbow scraped on stone, and he didn't give her enough wiggle room to break free. "Don't you know this place crawls with Death Eaters?" She tried to bite his hand. "Don't scream."

 _Like hell I won't!_ She tried to snarl, but the words were muffled and incoherent.

"I knew you wouldn't come." His eyes were very bright. "Lily, please— _fuck!_ " She'd driven her foot into his shin. Snape staggered back, cursing. Lily dodged, trying to stun him and bolt at the same time. He jumped at her back, sending them tumbled to the ground. This was much worse.

"Get off of me!" She spat, struggling to be free.

"He's going to attack the Ministry." Snape blurted. Lily froze, heart plummeting. "In two weeks. It's going to be big, and he's going to take it over. Lily, you have to—"

"I have to tell…" She choked herself off before she could blurt names, scrambling before he realized she was moving. Snape grabbed her ankle. "Will you just—"

"You can't be there. Promise me you won't get yourself killed."

"I owe you nothing." Lily spat, flushing.

"I didn't have to tell you." Snape snapped, hand tightening on her ankle. "And I'll thank you to remember that you're pregnant. Even if it's that fucker's—"

"That 'fucker' is my husband, Snape. Have a little respect, won't you?"

"No, I won't." He scowled. "He's an arrogant bully, and you should have better taste, Lily."

"I'll take the former bully over the psychopathic killer any day." Her disagreement with that assessment notwithstanding, of course. Snape flinched like she'd slapped him, releasing her. Lily scooted back a foot, but didn't run. She waited, hand tight on her wand. "Why are you selling him out to me?" She demanded. "When you know I will never leave James for you. _Please_ tell me you're not still hoping."

"I will always hope." Snape said hollowly, slumping like she'd just broken him. Irritation was hard to think through. Lily wanted nothing more than to shout and rage at him for this obsession. It wasn't healthy. It was sickening that he would cling to her so tightly when she was so in love with James. But she repressed the urge. She could use him. The Order needed whatever information he was willing to give.

"This attack on the Ministry." She prompted, hardening her heart against pity.

"Two weeks Thursday." He told her, giving a very good impression of a whipped puppy. "We're going to stage a full frontal assault. He's planning on killing the Minister. And basically everyone that's not already committed to him."

"That's the night of the full moon, right?"

"Night before." Snape shook his head slightly. "But he'll have all the werewolves there. Controllable but dangerous, you know?"

"Hm." Lily frowned, thinking about the house they were stalking. If no one would be there…

"Promise me you won't go."

"Promise." She looked at him, wishing she hadn't spoken. Even if she would be elsewhere, she didn't want to give him the impression that she was taking his advice. She debated stunning him. Was it worth taking him hostage? Force him to give up secrets and possibly reform him? Lily spent a moment glaring at him. It wasn't worth it. She wanted to be as far from Severus Snape as humanly possible. He'd write to her again. James was right—Snape would do anything for her attention. Lily fled the alleyway without looking back. He wouldn't attack her again.

Lily called together an emergency Order meeting that night, waiting impatiently at Headquarters for everyone to arrive. She paced circles around the meeting room. How would she get herself out of the fight without telling James the truth? The last thing she wanted was to announce her pregnancy in front of the entire Order. James deserved to know first, even if he was on the path to be the last to know. Perhaps Moody would simply exclude her from the fight without verbalizing a reason. The auror department would certainly be involved, and she hadn't gone through their training. Maybe it would be enough.

Worry melted away as soon as people started arriving. This was just another Order meeting. A very important meeting. She couldn't afford to be side-tracked by personal drama. When everyone was gathered, Lily rose to give the room a brief explanation of Severus Snape, the pseudo-spy, without calling him by name. She explained her meeting with Moody, leaving out on the part about her pregnancy. She startled them all when she detailed the attack and resultant conversation. She left his warning hanging in the air, and a few minutes of tense silence passed before the room exploded in shouting.

James was in the middle of it, drawing up a rough map with a few flicks of his wand. Lily watched him, passive to the shouting because she already knew she wouldn't be involved. Who knew that his map making skills would come in handy like this? She thought of the Marauder's Map, aching for simpler times. It didn't escape her that Alice was the only other person in the room not currently shouting. She'd staying in her seat, ashen with her hands pressed to the bump on her abdomen. Lily wished she could do the same. _Focus, girl_. She stepped forward, elbowing her way into the crowd of people. If James was going to be prominent at the Ministry, then she needed to make sure this plan was sound. She would _not_ lose her husband to a warning from Severus Snape.

They were hours into planning when Dumbledore tapped her on the shoulder. Lily twisted around, frowning. Without disturbing the heated discussion, he drew her into the hallway. His face was a mask of seriousness, and Lily had a moment to wonder if everyone except her husband knew of her pregnancy.

"The house will be unguarded." Dumbledore whispered, blue gaze intense.

"I'd thought of that." Lily murmured. "They've already got James tied up in the attack on the Ministry. His training is invaluable. The aurors will accept him as part of the guard because of it."

"Is there another you can trust?"

"Sirius?"

"He has the same training as James." Dumbledore shook his head. "The department will call him in."

"Remus." Lily said decisively. "It's the night before the full moon, but he can keep his head. We'll be in and out before it becomes a problem."

"Are you sure?"

"Very."

Lily refused to feel guilty about her deception. Moody thought she was sitting out the fight gracefully. James was aware that she would be tied up on another mission and remained happily oblivious to her pregnancy. She considered it a win-win situation. She vowed to tell him the truth in two weeks and a day; after all of this was said and done. If he was angry, she would deserve every bit of it. But she wasn't ready to be useless in this war, not when opportunity was handed to them on a silver platter.


	32. Wolfsbane

"Will you tell me what we're doing here?" Remus grumbled, looking around the forest warily.

"Looking for a book." Lily told him, striding forward quickly.

"In the middle of a forest?"

"In the house that's about three kilometers from here." She corrected, glancing over her shoulder. "You did hear me when I said this was incredibly dangerous, right?"

"I did." He agreed warily. "I missed the part where I was a better partner for you on this than James."

"First, he's busy running reconnaissance with Shacklebolt and Moody. Second, you're a werewolf, and it's very likely that we're going to run into a few of those here. You're better able to deal with them than most other in the Order. Third, Sirius is busy with James, Shacklebolt, and Moody. Fourth, I requested you."

"Did you?" Naked surprise was in the question, though Lily just flashed him a smile.

"I trust you to have my back."

"James will kill me if something happens to you."

"And Sirius will kill me if something happens to you." She retorted easily. "So let's not have anything happen, okay?"

"Full moon's tomorrow night." Remus pressed.

"We're aware." Lily said shortly, unwilling to admit how worried she was about the nearness of the moon. It was a gamble. But everyone with even the slightest bit of auror training was at the Ministry tonight, prepared for whatever Voldemort might have in store for them.

"You should have requested someone else."

"I trust you." Lily said simply, unwilling to point out that she didn't exactly have other options. Peter Pettigrew was the only other one who wasn't injured or occupied at the Ministry. She'd have come here alone before she brought Peter with her. Thankfully, Remus didn't keep arguing the issue. In fact, he moved so silently through the woods, that Lily found herself glancing back every few steps to make sure he was following her. Was it something he'd learned, or was it just an innate part of being a werewolf?

"Details, Lils?" He prompted after a few minutes.

"I don't have much." She admitted. "This house is one that he typically guards very closely. We haven't found a good vantage point to watch it from, but we've observed several werewolves coming to and from the house. So we think it's guarded by them—"

"And we're coming the night before the full moon?" Remus snorted. "That's smart."

"We have intelligence that Voldemort is planning something big today." Lily stopped, turning back to look at him. "Something at the Ministry to try to take it by force."

"Snape?"

"Yeah."

"So it worked." Remus frowned. "Are you sure we can trust him?"

"No." Lily groaned, twisting away from him. "I'm not really sure of anything right now, but we can't just ignore the warning. The aurors are ready for the worst, so even if it is a trap, they won't be surprised by it."

"He loves you." Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Perverted, perhaps; but maybe it'll help."

"It's gross." Lily rolled her eyes pointedly.

"I'm not saying it's not disgusting and weird." He snorted. "This is Snivellus, after all; but he has his uses."

" _Anyway_." She growled, wrinkling her nose at him. "This house has been impenetrable for weeks, and this is our best night to break in. We're not going to get a second chance."

"What is it we're after? A book?"

"It's a book with some sort of dark magic." Lily sighed, shaking her head and resuming her path to the house. "I can't tell you much more than that. Dumbledore thinks it'll be written in runes, and it'll probably look really old. He doesn't know more about the appearance than that, though. He said to be watchful for curses and traps. He said you knew most of the detection spells?" She glanced at him for confirmation, and Remus nodded. "I have a bag here." She fished it from her pocket and showed him. "Endless expansion charm, so we're to just grab as many books as we can get our hands on. Dumbledore says that he'll know if we've gotten the right one."

"What happens if we don't?" Remus wondered darkly.

"Depends." She shrugged. "If we can't find more books, then this is a dead end and we've wasted weeks trying to break in. If we think it might still be here, Dumbledore may send you deeper under cover."

"He's been hinting at that." Remus muttered, a shadow passing over his face. "I don't exactly relish the idea."

"It's better than being useless, right?"

"Yeah." He agreed, though he didn't look entirely convinced. Lily kept her thoughts to herself, wondering if she'd be comfortable if she were in his shoes. Remus was not exactly the stereotyptical werewolf, and it would be extremely difficult for any of them to feign belief in Voldemort's ideals. She crept forward as silently as she could. Remus was a whisper in her shadow.

There wasn't a good vantage point around this house. If there was an ambush waiting, they'd stumble right into it without knowing it was there. Lily gripped her wand tightly, slipping forward slowly. A single man lounged in a chair outside the house. He was busy gulping from an amber bottle. From the way he was slumped, Lily guessed it was some form of alcohol. She shot a silent stunner at him, and the man toppled over with a gentle thump. There were no other guards. _Surely_ there would be at least one competent person guarding this house. Right? Voldemort had it heavily guarded every other day. Surely if there were something important hidden here, there would be guards even with the event at the Ministry. A quick spell showed no other humans in the immediate vicinity. They traded glances, and Remus crept forward first with his attention on the house. Lily followed at his back, watching their surroundings. He cast various charms along the way, looking for protections and enchantments that might cause them harm or trap them. He found none.

"I don't like this." Remus whispered, stopping outside the door. "Lily, there's no one here."

"I don't like it either." She admitted, scanning the treeline for movement. She forbid herself from remembering what happened the last time she'd broken into a house. There wasn't a cliff in sight.

"Trap?"

"Dumbledore is the only one that knows we've gone out." Lily said. "I didn't tell James what we were doing, only that I would be otherwise occupied tonight. Dumbledore didn't want the slightest chance that someone would know what was happening."

Remus heaved a sigh, casting one more spell before reaching to test the front door. It swung open easily. Lily bit her lip, keeping her reservations to herself. Shouldn't it have been locked, at least? They stuck together, combing through each room. Thankfully, the house was tiny; much smaller than they'd guessed originally. There were only three rooms on the main floor. They had a collection of ten books in her bag by the time they finished the first sweep.

Remus went down to the basement. She cast a spell to reveal human intruders before following him. They were alone, and the man outside was still passed out. The basement had a scent of old blood clinging to it, and was little more than a giant cage. Lily stepped onto the steel gingerly, battling the urge to pinch her nose shut. Her stomach rolled over. She went over to where Remus knelt, stepping very gingerly on the steel floor. She couldn't _see_ bloodstains.

He was sitting before a locked chest, prodding it with his wand. It took her a moment to realize he was whispering unlocking spells under his breath. Lily chanced a glance back towards the door and froze. Every nerve on her body light with tension. She grabbed Remus, unable to open her mouth to speak. He jumped, and a moment later she felt him twist. She couldn't tear her eyes from the steel enclosing them completely. A cage door that hadn't been there just a moment ago was now firmly shut. Remus launched towards it, slamming into very solid steel.

 _How did this happen?_ Lily could do nothing more than stare. She was frozen with her mouth half-open, hand pressed to the very slight bump in her stomach—possibly even just her imagination still—that covered the life within her.

 _Fear._

She swayed from it. Sickened, but unable to help it. Remus was a wonderful man for every day except for one night a month. Tomorrow night. The man would hate every minute of it; he'd agonize over it for the rest of his life. If he even allowed himself to live after killing her. She didn't want to be afraid of him.

Now he was shouting spells and charms at the top of his lungs, movements becoming increasingly violent. The cage was solid. The door unmovable. Lily forced herself to exhale and move forward. Her hand trembled only a little as she raised her wand and joined him, wracking her brain for any spell that might be useful. They went over every inch of the cage, searching for a point of weakness; for any little escape. There was no way out. In desperation, Lily tried casting a patronus. A whisp of white escaped the tip of her wand, sputtering out to nothing. She gaped at her failure, horrified. A ghostly white wolf appeared—she didn't hear Remus mutter the incantation through the roaring in her ears. He sent it off with a flick of his wrist. Or tried to. The patronus bounced off the walls of the cage, unable to escape their trap.

His hand fell to his side, patronus vanishing into nothing somewhere between them. Remus sank to his knees, expression frozen in horrified disbelief. His wand fell from his fingers, clattering on the steel. Lily closed her eyes as his shoulders shook with suppressed tears. _If someone comes before tomorrow night, then I'll be trapped again. Only Dumbledore knows we're here._ Breathing hurt. Why hadn't she left a damn note? Hadn't she learned that lesson after the Lestrange manor? The only reason they'd survived _that_ was because Sirius knew where to look for them! She bit back tears, stomach rolling over again. This time it was in a way that was too damn familiar. She made it to the corner before losing the contents of her stomach.

Lily burned her hands trying to brace against the bars of the cage. She drew back with a muttered oath, falling to her knees as she continued to heave. Remus made no move to hold her hair back. Maybe he was afraid to touch her. Maybe he sensed her fear. She felt like a terrible friend, but knew her fear was perfectly justified. Remus couldn't control the wolf—that was the whole problem with lycanthropy.

 _If only Damocles' potion worked…_

It was a stray thought. Nothing more than the frantic ramblings of her mind. But… _But!_ Lily fumbled for the bag, upending it gracelessly. Books and potions supplies spilled out onto the cage floor. Remus didn't even twitch. Lily flung the books away, scrambling after the little piece of paper that was now her lifeline. She stared at the cramped writing, trying to get her whirling thoughts to settle. Things had been so hectic since she'd found out she was pregnant. She'd forgotten all about receiving this hard-won potion. _Focus, bitch._ She snapped at herself, looking through the instructions.

The werewolf was supposed to drink the potion over the week leading up to the full moon. _Damn_. It took two days to brew. _Double damn. I don't have that much time._ It was far beyond merely complicated. He couldn't have made the stupid potion harder to brew if he tried—not helped by the fact that the directions were as aimless and random as all of his letters. Lily swore under her breath, casting around for a paper to write on before realizing that she didn't have anything to write with in the first place. She cursed again, mouthing the steps as she read them. She tried remembering what Snape had told her about these ingredients—shortcuts and enhancements that might help her shave brewing time. For the first time in her life, Lily thanked Merlin that she'd been his friend.

She grabbed the cauldron, expanding it with a jab of her wand. She set a fire to burn under it; glad now for the steel. It wouldn't catch fire too. Lily set the ingredients out carefully, forced to use her wand and a few handy charms to prepare each component. She had no way to measure anything precisely either. Lily almost cried for frustration. Instead, she charmed her hair from her face and did her best to make do with what she had.

Night made everything more complicated. There were no lights in this basement, and she couldn't hold a steady light and make minute cuts to leaves at the same time. Remus still hadn't moved from where he'd fallen several hours ago. He was watching her though, all of hell written on his face.

"Get over here." Lily snapped eventually. "I need light." For a full minute, she thought he was uncapable of moving. Then he shuffled across the cage, sitting on the other side of the cauldron.

"Lumos." He whispered.

"Touch nothing." She muttered, stirring precisely three times clockwise and twice counterclockwise before going back to her trimming of the snakeweed.

After another hour, the potion started letting off a faint odor. According to the instructions, this was supposed to happen almost a day into the brewing. Lily tried to rationalize that she'd only shaved a few hours off, and it was behaving exactly like it should have. Then she had to duck away, because the odor made her nauseous.

Some time in the early hours of the morning, Remus nodded off, slumping over quite abruptly. Lily winced, pushing him a little farther away from her work area. She tucked his wand over her ear for continued light, bone tired but unable to take her attention from the potion. She didn't _have_ to put forth this sort of concentration; but two of these ingredients were known poisons. If she got the dilution even slightly wrong… She couldn't help but glance at Remus and think it worth the risk. Her death was guaranteed without this potion. _It's not fair of you to condemn him to death in your stead._ The thought was nagging. It didn't leave her even as the sun rose and natural light began filtering through the small windows near the ceiling.

Aconite was the hardest ingredient to handle, mostly because she knew she shouldn't be remotely near it. If she miscarried in a week, she could blame the plant. It was also very potently toxic to werewolves in particular. Remus could kill himself by touching the raw plant. He woke sometime between her pulverishing the aconite and throwing up—Lily wanted to blame the powder, but knew it was probably nothing more than normal morning sickness. His eyes were sharper on her when she returned to her claimed work area. Lily ignored his measuring look, eyeballing the amount of aconite to sift into the cauldron. This step had to be utterly precise. Just a bit of aconite, a pattern of stirs that went clockwise, counterclockwise, and straight across the middle. Then a bit more aconite and more stirring in a slightly different way. Lily bit back bile for the last two, but thankfully there was nothing left in her stomach to come up.

"You've thrown up three times." Remus observed quietly when she sat back on her heels. Lily chose to ignore him, passing back his wand wordlessly. He let a minute pass in silence. "Lily?"

"What do you want me to say?" She croaked, double checking herself on the instructions. She would be very lucky to have this done in time for it to have any effect before his transformation.

"What are you brewing?" His eyes were narrowed with suspicion.

"An experimental potion." Lily answered, moving to wiggenbush bark. She couldn't quite fathom why it was used, but she puzzled over it in an effort to ignore the scowl Remus was shooting at her.

"That does what?"

"Honestly… I don't know for sure."

"Will it get us out of here?" Remus demanded crossly.

"No." Lily looked up from her shredding. "No potion will do that, Remus."

"Then what are you doing?" His voice rose from impatience, and she had to remind herself that the wolf would make him temperamental.

"Grace Potter—"

"I would know if you just said 'Grace'."

" _Grace_ told me about this right before she died. It was an article she found in the Prophet calling for werewolves to test a new potion that had been invented to control the symptoms of lycanthropy."

"What?" Remus deadpanned, mouth dropping open.

"He calls it 'Wolfsbane'." Lily shrugged, needing to tend the potion rather than analyze his reaction. "I've been writing him for the better part of this year—ever since Grace died—trying to get him to trust me with the potion to experiment with. This is it, but I've never brewed it before. I really didn't even look at it much before now."

"Aconite?" He asked dubiously, recognizing the remains of the powder.

"Remus…" She stared at him, feeling helpless. "I wouldn't have asked you to try this because of the aconite. And this isn't even proper! His instructions are very clear that you need to drink it every day for a week leading up to the moon. And I'm using tricks to try to get it to brew faster. I might just be making a poison."

"One of us will die tonight." The amber in his eyes seemed to flash, and he rose to stalk to the other side of the cage. Lily took a shaky breath, but couldn't deny that she was weighing his life against her own. She focused on the potion because it was easier than trying to talk to Remus.

He was across the cage, working on the locked box. There wasn't much else to do. Lily was tired down to her bones. Exhausted, starving, and sick from desperation and guilt. Would she be able to live with herself if this potion killed him? The sun was inching down in the sky. Her time was running out. The potion simmered, letting off a dark blue smoke. Lily pursed her lips. Damocles described it as a faint blue smoke. She groaned under her breath, transfiguring one of the empty bottles into a cup. Lily poured the potion into it, staring at it for much too long. _My life or his?_ Lily crossed the cage, kneeling beside him.

"Done?" He eyed the cup in her hand.

"I don't think it's right." She temporized. "Remus—"

"Are you pregnant?" The question caught her off-guard. She stared at him, mouth half-open, to deny his assertion. She hesitated for a moment too long. Her silence was the answer. He had the cup out of her limp hand, drinking without the slightest beat of hesitation. Though he came up sputtering and cursing. "Merlin, could you make it taste any worse?" He croaked, gagging a moment before downing the rest of it. Lily moaned under her breath, half-expecting him to fall over twitching.

"Remus…"

"You're brilliant at potions, Lils." He said, a dark edge to his voice. "And I will die to see you safe if I have to."

"Remus."

"Does James know?"

"No." She looked away, embarrassed by her admission.

"How long have you known?" Remus pressed, frowning.

"Long enough that I should have told him by now." Lily muttered, pressing her hands to her stomach. "But…" She blew out a breath.

"But?"

"I'm so bloody selfish."

"Lily, you're not—"

"I haven't told him because I didn't want to get taken off missions!" She shouted, vaulting to her feet. "I didn't want him to tell me to go sit in a house for nine months while he's out risking everything for this war! I want to be out there with him! Merlin, Remus." Lily spun away, pressing the heels of her hands to her forehead. "My mother miscarried twice before she had my sister. Four times to have the two of us! I…I wanted to just miscarry. To not have to deal with any of this!"

"Have you…tried?" Remus asked cautiously. "To get rid—"

" _No!_ " Her shout reverberated around the cage. "Merlin, I wouldn't! _Especially_ without talking to James first." She shivered at the thought, pacing. "I wanted it to just happen naturally. But it hasn't, and I'm getting past the point of normal miscarriages."

"Exactly how far along are you?"

"Almost four months." Lily whispered, feeling her face heat.

" _And you're out on a bloody mission?_ " Remus exploded, looking furious.

"See?" She cried. "This right here is—"

"Are you bloody insane?" He shouted over her, hands clenched. "Why haven't you told James?"

"I'm not ready to have a baby!"

"Then why not get rid of it?" Remus spat.

"Because I want to have his children!"

" _Make up your bloody mind!_ " He flung his hands up. "Lily!"

"I know, I know." She ran her hands through her hair agitatedly. "I'm going to tell him soon. After this mission."

"Why go on this damn mission in the first place?" Remus snarled. "Or am I that untrustworthy to have done this on my own?"

"It's not safe for anyone not to have back up." Lily snapped immediately, rather than admit the thought hadn't even occurred to her. Could they have sent Remus here alone?

"Have you, oh I don't know, seen a mediwitch about this?" He glowered at her, clearly expecting her to deny medical care.

"I have." She said flatly. "And talked to her about the possibility of miscarriage. She offered potions that help avoid it, and I haven't missed a bloody dose, alright? I saw her two days ago, and she said that everything she can see indicates that I'm not going to lose it."

"Good." Remus said decisively. "Tell your damn husband."

"I will." Lily promised before stopping to consider if she'd live through this night. "D-do you feel any different?"

"No." He joined her pacing restless circles. The shadows continued to grow. Lily couldn't bring herself to speak. _Even if I brewed it right, maybe Damocles was right about needing time for the effect to kick in._ She stopped pacing eventually, cleaning up the books and sweeping away the remains of the potion supplies. Remus offered her two additional books from the truck she hadn't realized he'd been able to open. She couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She left the bag resting on the truck, just in case Moony ate her. She was close to hysterical laughter when Remus stiffened. Lily backed away, wishing she could just flatten into the side of the cage while his bones lengthened and changed.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trembling. She let out a choked sob when she heard the wolf snuffling around the cage. She didn't want to see him coming. His nose found her leg. Lily whimpered low in her throat, stepping back against the cage bars. Her back was on fire. Moony's nose stopped at her abdomen, lingering there for a long minute. Lily opened her eyes to look at him, meeting the wolf's gaze. There was…intelligence in those eyes. Moony padded across the cage, curling up in the far corner with his back to her.

Lily sank to the ground, weak kneed and near sick with relief. She sat for a long time in wary vigilance before exhaustion took her over. _If I tell James about this, will he even believe I spent the night in a cage with Moony without getting torn to shreds?_ She wouldn't have believed it.

Lily roused with the first hint of morning light, tense and full of fire—and just a bit lightheaded when she stood. She hadn't thought much beyond surviving this night. What would be waiting for them come morning? She looked across the cage to the slumbering wolf, marveling. Had it really worked? She snatched up her bag, tucking it in her pocket. It wasn't long before Remus was turning back human—unfortunately naked and covered in thick, red welts. Lily's breath hissed through her teeth. He wasn't asleep. He was unconscious.

 _Aconite poisoning._

Lily cursed, finding his wand and tucking it in her back pocket. She was turning to look at the sealed cage door when it vanished. _Oh bloody hell._ Horror pulsed through her, but no one came immediately down the stairs. Fearing the worst, Lily levitated Remus and crept up the stairs with him floating along behind; ignoring how she tripped every other step. There were six bodies in various prone positions in the house. Most of them naked, and all still slumbering. She bit her lip until it bled, slipping from the house as quietly as she could. Lily made for the woods at as quick of a pace as she could manage. She fled into the depths, struggling to get Remus along quickly without running him into a tree. She didn't quite succeed, and apologized silently for the headache he was sure to have on top of the poisoning. Her own head was spinning in circles.

She didn't have a bit of clothing to spare for him, so she apparated to St. Mungo's with a naked man in tow. Their arrival must have caused a scene. She was aware of people shouting; of screams that echoed up and down the hallways. But the world spun around her much too quickly. Remus wasn't the only one poisoned. She stumbled, losing hold of her wand and toppling over.

Then her vision fractured and broke. She went tumbling into darkness.


	33. Shifting Gears

She came back to herself slowly. For the longest time, she couldn't fathom how she'd come to be in St. Mungo's again. She'd promised Moody she wouldn't go on missions anymore. Why had she promised him that? It was a stupid thing to promise! She was too invested in the war to back out now. She'd thrown away everything that mattered in order to fight. She'd lost James because of it. So what possessed her to promise Moody she'd back out of the fight?

The question consumed her, drowning out the voices that spoke around her.

She was aware of them—the voices—even if she couldn't respond. She knew they spoke to her. The owners of the voices touched her, fed her soothing liquids, and combed out her hair. She was grateful for them, if a bit exasperated that she could not speak. Would they believe her inattentive? Did they know she could hear them? She thought perhaps not. They spoke like they thought she was too far gone to hear.

Then came the moment when feeling returned to her—when everything came crashing back. She bolted up in the bed with a gasp, moving on her own for the first time. She pressed her hand to her abdomen, shocked and no little confused. It felt like something had _kicked_ her! From the inside. But that didn't make a bit of sense. She prodded at her stomach, waiting anxiously to see if it would happen again.

"You're awake." A voice said, drawing her gaze to the dark-haired girl waiting beside the bed. She blinked at the woman, taking in the robes that denoted her as a mediwitch. "Do you know your name?"

"Yes." How could she not know? But she stopped there, brain freezing. She blinked a few times, gaze dropping. "I'm..." A ring on her left hand glittered, stealing her attention for a moment. "Married?" It came out as a question. When had that happened? Or perhaps the better question was _how_ had it happened. She didn't want to be married. She'd never wanted such a thing. Who could have convinced her otherwise?

"Do you not remember?" The mediwitch asked kindly, brow knit with worry. There was only one person in the world who could have convinced her that marriage was worth it.

"James." It felt right to say his given name; like she'd been saying it a lot. It was more natural than calling him 'Potter'. _James Potter._ A tremor ran down the length of her spine. _James and Lily Potter._ It sounded right. She considered the ring again. "What happened?" She wondered aloud.

"I was hoping you could tell me." The mediwitch said gently.

"I don't remember." She admitted, twisting the ring to admire how the light glinted from it. Trust James to give her a ring this beautiful. _Lily Potter._ It was starting to sound right. To resonate more.

"Do you know your name?" The mediwitch pressed.

"Lily." Saying it aloud sounded even more right. "Lily Potter."

"Good." She nodded, relief flooding the word. Lily took another glance at the woman.

"You're Dani, right?"

"Yes! That's wonderful you remember me." Dani smiled, laughing shakily. "That's much more than we expected."

"How long have I been here?" She asked, frowning. It felt like a year had passed.

"A little over a day and a half." Dani answered. "Lily, do you remember where you were before you came here? Anything at all?"

"Where's James?"

"Please answer my question."

"No." Lily scowled, looking around the empty room. "Where is James?"

"He's...here." Dani said slowly, color sliding from her cheeks.

"You're the only one in this room."

"Oh, yes." She ran a hand through her short hair nervously. "I didn't mean to frighten you. He's a patient here currently."

"He's _what?_ " Lily barked, making to scramble from the bed. Dani caught her and pushed her back down just as another faint popping sensation came from within her abdomen. Lily pressed a hand to her stomach, faintly surprised by the bump she felt.

"Lily?"

"What happened to me?" She breathed, fear choking her.

"We'll talk about it later." Dani said soothingly. "You truly don't remember what happened before you got here?"

"I don't remember getting here." Lily muttered, pressing her hands to her face. "I'm dizzy."

"Here." The mediwitch plucked a waiting flask from the table. "You're due for your potion."

"What is it?" She asked even as she drank it obediently.

"An antidote." Dani answered, easing her back onto the pillows. "I'll explain more when you wake."

"M'kay."

* * *

According to Dani, they'd had that conversation three times before Lily remembered any bit of it. The mediwitch admitted surprise and a bit of awe that Lily continually remembered James before she remembered herself. Lily could do little more than blush and shrug. James Potter was utterly unforgettable. Who wouldn't think of him first? Dani simply laughed.

The fourth time she woke, Lily remembered everything. Or at least, she thought she remembered everything. She remembered her pregnancy, at least—finally recognizing her baby's kicks for what they were. It was a heartwarming and petrifying realization. Her baby was alive and well. The aconite hadn't killed him. Dani confirmed her baby's health, saying that Lily, too, would make a full recovery. But the truth that she was far enough along to feel him kicking but hadn't yet told James was cold. How could she have waited so long? She knew the answer inside and out. She'd been preaching it to herself for the last two months, but now she hated her silence. _I should have told him sooner._

She would have told him immediately, but he hadn't come to her room. None of the Marauders had. Remus had not yet woken according to Dani. His recovery from the aconite would be much longer, and nothing was guaranteed for him. His exposure was much more direct, and aconite affected him more due to his condition. James and Sirius were allegedly both patients, though Dani refused to discuss either of them with her. The mediwitch was adamant that Lily needed to be focusing on her own recovery. The baby was depending on her to overcome the poison.

But Lily was tired of waiting. She'd transfigured her hospital gown into real clothes and went hunting for her husband. Pieces of her memory hadn't fully recovered. She couldn't recall what mission he'd gone on without her. She assumed he'd gone with Sirius since they were both injured, but she couldn't come up with any more than that. She'd get the full story from James, regardless.

It took quite a bit of searching. Every healer she asked didn't recall what room James Potter was in—else they didn't believe her claim to be his wife. Lily was close to hexing people. She asked after Remus and Sirius instead, figuring that James would likely be in a room near them. She got directions to Remus' room, and set off for it. She wouldn't go _in_ the room just yet. She'd wait for Remus to wake and decide how much he hated her before she graced him with her presence. Surely he'd be furious. She'd forced him to choose between her life and his; knowing full well which he'd pick. She chewed on her thumbnail, fearing his reaction. Fearing what James and Sirius would have to say to her.

"—don't bloody _care!_ " She sped up, recognizing the shouting voice. She rounded a corner, finding Sirius Black holding a healer hostage against the wall, wand jammed in the man's throat.

"Sirius?"

"Lily!" He dropped the healer, lunging towards her. "What happened? Where have you been? Are you okay?"

"Where have _you_ been?" She demanded, ignoring his questions. "Where's James?"

"Talking to someone down there." Sirius gestured down the hallway, grabbing her arm when she would have gone running for James. "Slow down, woman. What happened? They're saying Remus was poisoned, and you've been somewhere in this damn place and they wouldn't let us see you."

"They told me you were patients here. You and James. What happened?"

"Answer me first." He insisted, hands tight on her arms. "Did you go on a mission with Remus?"

"Yes, but—"

" _What happened?_ "

"I'll tell you in a minute, just tell me—"

" _Lily Potter!_ " Sirius shouted, shaking her.

"Oi!" James came running towards them—or rather limping as quickly as he could. "What are you doing?"

"She's not saying what's happened... _damn it you two!_ " Lily weaseled from his hands, flinging her arms around James; utterly careless to the fact that half of him was swathed in bandages. James held her tightly, grip near to bruising, but she didn't care in the least.

"Don't ever scare me like that again." He growled, hands shaking as he pushed her back to look her over. "Hear me?"

"I won't." Lily promised, horrified by the amount of bandages he wore. "What _happened?_ "

"You tell us first!" Sirius shouted, overriding whatever explanation James might have given. "Remus is _dying!"_

"W-what?" She stammered, heart plummeting.

"The healers said he may yet recover." James temporized.

"Or he might not!"

"It's my fault." Lily whispered hoarsely, ashen from the weight of her choices.

"What?" Both of them stared at her. Sirius was rigid with disbelief.

"I made him..." Her voice hardly worked. "I made him take it..." She collapsed right through James' hands, landing on her knees by their feet. Lily wrapped her arms around herself, shuddering all over.

"Start from the beginning." James said soothingly, lowering himself beside her. Sirius could have been a statue for all he moved.

"We went to the werewolf house." She explained haltingly. "We knew it wouldn't be well guarded, and there was no one there. But there was a cage in the basement and we got trapped inside. There wasn't a way out, and we couldn't send a patronus message."

"That explains nothing." Sirius snapped, hands clenched. "He's been poisoned with _aconite!_ "

"I know." She couldn't look at either of them.

"The full moon was three nights ago." James' voice shook. "Lily?"

"Shit." Sirius fell, face as white as hers.

"Do you remember Damocles? The potion I was trying to get?" She dared a glance at James for confirmation. "He sent it to me a while back, and I didn't really get a chance to look at it. Things have been so busy..." She trailed off, because she'd been distracted by her pregnancy. Certainly now was not the time to mention it, but Remus knew and drank the potion because of it. "I had the supplies in my bag."

"W-what are you t-talking about?" Sirius stuttered. "What potion?"

"It's supposed to...control lycanthropy. I didn't know what it would do, and I took every short cut I could. And I didn't brew it right, and he's supposed to take it for a week before the moon, not all at once. And—"

"You gave him a potion?" Sirius croaked, voice spiking.

"I didn't know what it would do!" Lily cried, pressing her hands to her face. "And it's made with aconite—it's the main ingredient! I wouldn't had made it for him, but..." She winced from them, heart wrenching uncomfortably in her chest. "I'm so sorry."

"You didn't force feed it to him." James muttered.

"I may as well have!" She exploded, scrambling to her feet and pitching off balance into the wall. Everything spun around her, and Lily found herself sinking back to the floor.

"Lily?" James hovered anxiously.

"Aconite poisoning." Sirius whispered, hands clenching and unclenching. "Both of you."

"I'm so sorry." She repeated. "It's my fault—"

"And what choice did you have?" Sirius launched to his feet, less injured than her and James. "Remus never would have been able to live with himself if he hurt you! What do you think we'd do without you, Lily?" He whirled around and stalked into Remus' sickroom. Lily took a shaky breath, glancing at James.

"I forced him. I put him in a situation where he couldn't refuse—"

"Lily, we knew going in that it was dangerous for Remus to go on a mission so near to the moon." James shook his head slightly. "I..." He shook his head slightly, paling and then flushing. She bit her lip hard enough to hurt.

"I'm sorry, James."

"Stop saying that."

"I won't." She didn't quite dare to reach out to him. What kind of pain was he in, trapped between the safety of his wife and the life of his friend? He was too loyal to wish harm on Remus simply to see her safe. He loved her too much to wish it otherwise. "I'm sorry."

"Stop that!" He shifted gingerly to sit beside her in the hallway. "I don't want to hear it. How are _you?_ "

"Besides guilty as hell?" She rested her cheek on his shoulder.

"Yeah, besides that."

"Guilty as hell." She mumbled, unable to feel any other way. "Little dizzy, but Dani says that'll go away in about a week."

"Dani?"

"Mediwitch." Lily shrugged a shoulder. "Memory's a little faulty, too."

"You remember me?" James asked worriedly.

"Ring helped." She twisted the wedding band around her finger. "Knew you were the only one who'd ever convince me. Remembered you. Remembered my name, and then everything fell into place after that. Don't remember what your mission was, though."

"Voldemort's attack on the Ministry." James prompted.

"Oh shit, yeah."

"Yeah that." He laced his fingers through hers, resting his cheek on the top of her head. "We held the Ministry." He told her. "Barely."

"Was it as big as Snape made it seem?" Lily asked.

"Worse in some ways." James sighed. "I never really imagined just how many people have bought into his madness. Even if half of them were under something like the Imperius Curse... There's a lot of people following him."

"We knew that." Lily said gently.

"It was a painful reminder."

"Did we lose many?"

"Not many from the Order." James shook his head slightly. "We're pretty beat up, but Palmer was the only one who was lost at the Ministry. Longbottom and a few others were close, but they're hanging in there so far."

"How's Alice holding up?" Lily wondered, glancing down the long hallway.

"Not well." He admitted. "Moody told Sirius that she's going to try to convince Frank to quit the department and the Order."

"All of it?"

"At least missions." He made a face. "She's terrified of losing him."

"I can relate." Lily muttered under her breath. "What of you, though? How'd you get so beat up?"

"Wall collapsed." James answered blandly.

" _What?_ "

"No, don't leave." He protested as she twisted to look at him.

"A _wall_ fell on you?" Lily gasped, horrified.

"You make it sound so dramatic." James wrinkled his nose at her. "It wasn't exactly like that."

"James Potter!"

"Maybe it was." He allowed. "But look! I'm mending. I promise you, I have all my parts still attached."

"Don't do it again!" She said fiercely.

"I won't." James promised. "Now come back." He nodded at his shoulder, and she complied with a sigh, snuggling against him. He rested his cheek back on her head, squeezing her hand gently. "Did you really spend in the night in a cage with Moony?"

"Yes."

"Hell."

"It wasn't that bad." Lily assured him. "The potion made him really docile."

"I don't believe you at all, you know."

"He slept. I slept. It was boring really."

"Please stop." James pleaded. "I've spent almost every moon with him since I was fifteen. Moony is anything but docile." He shuddered all over. "Shit, can we talk about something else?"

"It really wasn't that bad." She insisted, staring at their entwined fingers.

"Lily." He groaned. "Something else? _Anything_ else?"

"Well I have...news." She made a face, glad that James couldn't see her expression. "But now's not really the time or the place."

"What news?"

"Can it wait until we're home?" Lily asked.

"That makes me scared." James snorted. "How bad is it?"

"You might hate me for it."

"Did you make out with Remus before almost dying?"

"No!" She cried, smacking his leg before she thought of his injuries.

"Ow." He complained. "But even if you did—"

"James Howard Potter, I'm not going to run around kissing your friends even if I am minutes away from dying." Lily snapped. "Don't even joke about it."

"Fine, sorry." He laughed. "But the look on your face right now is priceless."

"Yeah..." She looked away from him, chest tightening because she'd meant to blurt out the truth. But it got caught halfway out, and she'd taken the coward's response.

"Lily?" His obvious concern didn't help. Lily rest her head against the wall, squeezing her eyes shut. This wasn't at all how she'd planned to tell him, and even knowing her baby was old enough to be kicking didn't make it easier to say.

"I'm an idiot." She mumbled.

"Would it help if I reminded you how much I love you?" He offered weakly.

"James, I'm pregnant." For the first few seconds, Lily didn't think she'd said the words aloud. But a glance to her left showed her that James was frozen with shock. She looked away quickly.

"P-pre-g-nant?" He repeated, stumbling and choking on the word. "You're p-pregnant?" She nodded wordlessly, unable to bring herself to speak. "Are you serious?" He breathed.

"Yes." She whispered, pulling her knees to her chest. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" James repeated blankly. "Why are you sorry?"

"Because I'm...why are you smiling?" Lily stared at him, unable to fathom the excitement blossoming across his face.

"Are you really pregnant?"

"Yes." She nodded slowly.

"That's awesome!" James beamed.

"Are you... You're...happy?" Lily stared at him in disbelief. Confused did not even begin to describe how she felt looking at him. James looked like Christmas had come early.

"Yes!" He grabbed her before she could even think to flinch, kissing her full on the mouth. Lily jerked back, still too confused to accept it. Utterly unperturbed, James feathered kisses over her face, placing a hand over her stomach. He was uncurling her body, pressing her legs out of the way to tug the hem of her shirt up. He kissed just below her bellybutton, lingering for a long minute. She flushed, because they weren't exactly alone in the hallway.

"Stop." She whispered, tugging on his hair.

"You're not happy?" He drew back reluctantly, still beaming.

"I thought you'd be mad." Lily told him uncertainly.

" _Mad?_ Merlin, Lily, why?"

"I heard what you said about Frank and Alice when they announced their pregnancy." She tried not to frown, but embarrassment was heating her cheeks. "I'm not more than a month behind her."

"A—f-four months? You're four…" He gaped at her, and she nodded silently. "Why didn't you say?"

"I was afraid of your reaction." Lily admitted quietly. "Which I clearly shouldn't have been, but…" He kissed her again, and this time, Lily relaxed and buried in her fingers in his hair to hold him closer.

"I love you, Lils. You have no idea how bloody happy I am right now." She grinned weakly at the naked joy written all over him. "Merlin, you're having my kid." Tension ran out of her like water. Relief made her weak, though she wrapped her arms tight around him.

"It's petrifying." Lily mumbled.

"I'm not to that part yet." James chided. "Let me have this moment, Lils, before it occurs to me that I'm going to be a father in a few months." She laughed, content to be quiet about her fears for now.

"What happened to you?" Sirius demanded, poking his head into the hallway and noticing James' ridiculous smile. "You look like an idiot."

"Lily's pregnant." James told him, still grinning like a fool. Sirius' face went slack with shock. He stared at them both for a long moment before his eyes rolled up and he dropped like a stone.

"Did he just faint?" Lily asked, craning around James for a better view of the door.

"He's a bit dramatic sometimes." He shrugged, because Sirius was in fact unconscious on the floor. "Can you imagine what he'll be like when a girl tells him she's carrying his child?"

"Hopefully he'll be exactly like you." James beamed at her, and she matched his smile. "I love you, James."

"I love you, too, Lily."

"My head hurts." Sirius groaned.

"You did just fall down." James told him dryly.

"Is she really pregnant?"

"I am." Lily confirmed, heart leaping up to her throat. Would _Sirius_ react as she'd expected James to?

"That's bloody awesome." He sat up slowly. "Congrats, guys."

"You're both insane." She said flatly, pressing her hands to her face.

"I think we have a right to be." Sirius snorted, getting to his feet gingerly. "After all, we did just stop a madman from taking over the Ministry, you just spent a night in a cage with a werewolf without anything bad happening, and now you're pregnant."

"I've been pregnant for four months." Lily informed him, accepting the hand he offered to rise to her feet.

"Well you waited long enough to say something about it." He made a face at her, stooping to help James up as well.

"Yeah." She shifted in place uncomfortably, but nothing more was said about it. "Think old Voldy will try again?"

"I doubt he'll go all out like that again, but he doesn't really need to anymore. He's weakened us, and it's all over the Prophet." Sirius sighed, ignoring James' pained groan. "If we thought people were scared before, it'll be nothing now that everyone knows that he made such a frontal assault on the Ministry. He'll be insidious now, putting his people in the holes that have been created by casualties. And we can try to stay ahead of him, but who knows who can actually be trusted anymore! Even people we trust…"

"Hell." She pinched the bridge of her nose, not even wanting to think about it.

"Maybe it'll be revitalizing." James muttered. "People will know it's possible to stand up to him."

"Bullshit." She and Sirius said together.

"Yeah." He scowled, using Sirius as a crutch to walk into Remus' room. "I thought the Minister sounded rather full of himself, but what do I know of politics?"

"More than you want to." Lily sighed, following them in rather than be left in the hallway. "We can't lose hope."

"We have hope." Sirius said, a small smile on his face.

"Do we?"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" Lily blinked at him, uncomprehending. "And so is Alice. There's a future to be had, Lils." It was the most genuinely sweet smile Sirius had ever bestowed on her. She lost her breath as James cupped a hand over the tiny bump in her stomach, nuzzling her. _Hope?_ She didn't understand their reaction, but she leaned into James anyway. _How can bringing a child into this mess prompt hope?_

* * *

Two days passed without the questions Lily assumed James would have for her. She kept her confusion to herself, but couldn't believe he'd let her silence go so easily. She had four months to explain away. Surely he had to know that she'd known about the pregnancy! He waited until the third night when the lights were out and they were both laying awake with their thoughts.

"Lils." He started, voice soft in the darkness. "How long have you known?"

"Too long." She sighed. "Not quite two months."

"Why have you really not said anything?" Jame wondered.

"A couple of reasons." She said. "I know what you said about Alice and Frank when they announced their pregnancy. It's still stupid and reckless and selfish to be bring a child into this mess. So I was afraid that you'd be mad, and that... I don't know, I wasn't exactly rational about it."

"It takes two to make a baby." He reminded her. "I'm as much to blame as you are."

"Yeah." Lily agreed. "Like I said, I wasn't exactly rational."

"What else?" James asked. "You said a couple of reasons."

"We're fighting a war." She said quietly. "Everything I said about not wanting to even get married still holds true. It's a terrible time to be having a child, and it's too late to do anything about it now; but I wasn't ready to be forced onto the sidelines like Alice. I wanted to keep going on missions and fighting beside you. I knew you'd ask me to stop once you knew about the pregnancy, and you're not wrong. I'm just selfish."

"You're the most unselfish person I know." James disagreed.

"I was selfish in this, James."

"Maybe." He was quiet for a minute. "Truth, I do want to be at least a little mad at you, if you've known about this for two months and have continued going on missions. I'd have liked for us to make that decision together."

"I know."

"I can't say that I'm surprised." He admitted, smoothing his hand across her stomach. "I thought maybe that was the only reason you'd waited."

"One of the main reasons, but certainly not the only one." She looked over at him. "My mother miscarried four times."

"That many?"

"Yeah, and I just... I was afraid of getting your hopes up, too. My parents certainly had trouble with each other because of those lost babies, and I didn't want it to happen to us."

"We're stronger together, Lils." James said softly. "We would certainly mourn, but I won't lose you to a lost child."

"I love you, James." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"There are potions and stuff—"

"I've been taking them." She interrupted. "I've been seeing a mediwitch pretty routinely just to be sure."

"Well just ignore that comment then." He laughed.

"I haven't _tried_ to lose the child if that's what you're imply." Lily said stiffly.

"That's not what I was implying." James retorted mildly. "I was simply trying to make a suggestion."

"Sorry."

"I'm not mad." He said gently. "You don't have to be defensive."

"Again, sorry." She shifted, resting her cheek on his shoulder and wrapping her arm around him. "That was mostly it." He nuzzled the top of her head gently, and for a moment, she thought that might be the end of it. Lily closed her eyes, breathing easier than she had since finding out about her pregnancy.

"You will stop going on missions, right?" James prompted, interrupting the peace seeping through her veins.

"I don't have much of a choice." Lily muttered, thinking of the kicking the baby had been doing. It was time and past to stop risking his safety.

"Would you if I said it was okay?" He demanded.

"That's a trick question, James." She scowled, shifting to glare at him. "Don't ask me."

"You would!"

"Well wouldn't you?" She hissed. "I don't supposed you're going to stop going on missions now."

"Why would I?" James asked blankly.

"Because I'm pregnant!"

"You're not due for another five months." He protested. "There isn't a need for me to sit out."

"What if another wall falls on you?" Lily demanded, pulling away from him entirely. "You're not safe out there, James."

"No one is! You can't expect me to just sit around the house and twiddle my thumbs for five months!"

"Why not?" She cried. "That's exactly what you're expecting of me!"

"You're _pregnant!_ "

"I know! That's the point."

"I'm not the one making the baby." James snapped, sitting up to glare at her. "You have to think for both of you."

"And what about you?" Lily demanded. "Why am I the only one thinking for more than one?"

"Lily, we're short on good aurors. We have fewer in the field than before because of how many were hurt at the Ministry. Voldemort is _going_ to make another move, and we have to hope we're ready for it when it happens!"

" _You_ were hurt, James!"

"There's no reason for me to stop fighting!" He shouted.

"I'm pregnant." She repeated. "I'd like for this baby to have a father, you know. You could very easily be killed on assignment before I give birth if you keep going."

"I won't stop." James said flatly. "We can't afford to have both of us on the sidelines. It's a disservice to the Order for me to sit out as well."

"That's not fair."

"Life doesn't have to be fair."

"Ouch, James."

"Are you really expecting me to sit out as well?" He demanded, irritated. Lily hadn't meant to ask. She'd knew he'd find another partner and keep up the fight for as long as possible. But his attitude was grating. The fact that he wouldn't even think about it was what made her angry.

"You could at least consider it." She muttered petulantly.

"No."

"I'm not having this fight." Lily threw the covers off, anger only growing when James made no move to stop her. She stomped down to the living room, fetching a quilt and curling up on the couch. Was it really so unreasonable for them both to sit out? She grumbled at herself wordlessly, punching the pillow into a better shape. It was unreasonable for her to ask James to join her on the sidelines. She'd never meant to demand it from him. She hunkered down, determined to outlast his anger. She would not lose this fight.

She meant to stay awake until James came down to find her. To apologize for his anger, even if he wouldn't budge in his argument. But she woke to Sirius shaking her gently. She growled at him, tugging the quilt up to her chin.

"Aren't you supposed to be off being lovey-dovey with your husband?"

Lily's response was not flattering or anatomically possible, but Sirius barked with laughter, giving her shoulder a friendly pat.

"I'll work on that, dearheart. Now tell me why you're the one sleeping on the couch."

"I married a jerk." She mumbled, voice muffled in the pillow.

"It's not unreasonable for you to sit out of missions." Sirius told her, working hard to keep from patronizing her. Hints leaked through, though she just sighed.

"I know." She shifted uncomfortably. "And I'm done until James-junior pops out. I knew it before James brought it up. Hell, I don't even know why we started fighting. But he made it very clear that he wouldn't even consider being stuck on the sidelines with me."

"Did you really expect him to?" Sirius asked gently.

"No." She peered at him. "I told him I wasn't having the fight and walked out."

"It's not easy, you know." He brushed strands of hair from her face absently. "There's certainly an argument for Prongs to sit out, but he's good, Lily. And we need good aurors in the field. That's why Alice hasn't benched Frank."

"But they're not Dumbledore's personal bitches. Frank's never been assigned the type of bullshit James and I have."

"I know. But tell him to stick with strictly Order stuff. Dumbledore can find another pair with a death wish to run his errands from now on."

"Until I have this baby." Lily corrected.

" _From now on._ " Sirius repeated fiercely. "You won't make your baby an orphan, right?"

"I hate you sometimes." She groaned, pressing a hand to her face. "From now on, Black. Fine."

"Now be a good girl and go make nice with your husband." He ordered, pushing to his feet with a grunt. "And don't forget the silencing charm."

"Don't be crude."

" _Go._ "

"Fine, fine." Lily grumbled, trotting dutifully up the stairs. She found James sitting on the edge of the bed staring blankly at the carpet. She paused in the doorway, examining him for a moment. His hair was even messier than usual, and he wore a white, button down shirt with a tie hanging undone around his neck, sweat pants, and only one sock. The other dangled in his hand like he'd forgotten about it.

"It hit me." He muttered, blinking slowly.

"What did?"

"You." She cocked her head to the side like looking at him from a slightly different angle would help her understand his thoughts. "Being pregnant." He elaborated slowly. "I'm going to be responsible for another living thing…person…baby." His face spasmed. "I'm not…"

"Ready?" Lily finished for him, pushing out of the doorway.

"How'd you know?"

"I was there a few weeks ago." She sighed, sitting on the bed beside him. "You, at least, were excited at first. I was petrified."

"Petrified." He repeated, testing the word.

"I wasn't ready. I'm _not_ ready. I doubt I'll ever really be ready. But it's not like we can get rid of him now."

"I—him?" James twisted to look at her, derailed. "It's a… You're… I'm… Son?"

"So Dani says." She nodded, dropping her gaze to her hands.

"Oh Merlin." He breathed, pressing his hands to his face. "We're in a world of hurt, you know that right? If this baby's half as bad as I was…"

"At least you know how to be a good parent." Lily said quietly. "I only know what not to be. I can't…"

"You can." His arm slid around her shoulders. "I know you, Lily. You're going to be the best mum there ever was."

"You don't know that." She leaned into him anyway, tucking her head beneath his chin.

"We'll muddle through. We'll figure out a way that's all our own. He can't be any worse than me, right?"

"Don't say that, James. You're inviting fate to screw with us."

"Seriously, Lils." He protested. "Can you imagine anyone being more of a terror?"

"He could be like Sirius." Lily grinned impishly. James shuddered immediately.

"That would be worse." He agreed solemnly. " _Much_ worse."

"Maybe he'll be a perfect angel."

"Keep dreaming, love." James snorted, squeezing her gently. "Potter men are never perfect angels."

"I'll name him Evans, then." Lily wrinkled her nose.

"Like hell." She laughed, nudging him. James chuckled too, though his humor didn't last long. He spent a moment just rubbing her shoulders, and Lily held her silence. They'd have to talk about last night eventually. She was willing to be patient; to let James have the first word. "I'm sorry." He said eventually. "I'm not taking back what I said, but I could have said it better."

"You're going to go on missions." She surmised.

"I was going to tell Dumbledore that we'd be terminally out of commission for his work. And then I was going to find Moody." He paused, braced for her anger, continuing only when she didn't speak. "Caradoc Dearborn needs a partner. He's a good auror. Has a level head. I trust him in the field."

"He's an ass." Lily muttered petulantly. "Can't you convince Moody to pair you back with Sirius?"

"Not with the kind of missions they have him going on." James shook his head slightly. "They have to use his ties to his family. He can't approach them directly, but the Black name can get him places I can't go. It'll be a waste to take him away from that. And I wouldn't go on those missions regardless. I _will_ be here when the baby is born. I swear to you, Lily."

"You'd be safer with Sirius." She muttered, trying desperately to ignore her unease.

"Dearborn is trustworthy."

"If Moody vouches for him." Lily said through her teeth.

"I'll talk to him." James promised. "See if he agrees or not. If he thinks there's someone better, I'll defer to his judgment. Okay?"

"Fine." She grumbled.

"It's not fair." He allowed softly. "But we have to do the best with what we've got. Right?"

"You're right." Lily forced herself to smile, pecking his lips lightly. "Get dressed, Potter. Dumbledore needs to know, and we need our floo connected to Headquarters."

"For what?"

"I can't apparate anymore until the baby's born." Lily informed him. "Pregnancy's a bitch."

"Damn." James shook his head, frowning. She left him to dress, seeking out Sirius and finding him in the kitchen. She flopped down at the table across from him, propping her head in her hands.

"What's wrong, kitten?"

"Don't call me that." Lily chided. "And tell me what you know about Caradoc Dearborn."

"He's a bit of an ass." Sirius shrugged loosely. "Pompous, but not arrogant. He's a pain to be around, really. Why?"

"James mentioned partnering with him." She watched Sirius with narrowed eyes, seeking any bit of deception or unease.

"As long as Prongs can hold his temper, it'll work out." Sirius shrugged loosely. "If it's business, then they'll get along fine. Dearborn's a good auror, and he's been at it for years. He was there when we set the trap for Blakely, you know."

"I was a little distracted." Lily grumbled, wincing at the memory. "Didn't notice."

"Moody likes him."

"Meh." She pinched the bridge of her nose. So much for trying to convince Sirius to argue with Moody for a reassignment.

"He's going to be fine, Lily."

"So everyone keeps saying." She rose, leaving him alone at the table. James was on his way out, though he caught her and kissed her fiercely, promising to be home long before dinner. She waved him off, impatient and irritated at being left behind. She paced for a while before heading to St. Mungo's to check on Remus. The healers said he'd woken briefly in the middle of the night, but was incoherent and combative. They had him sedated now. Her vigil at his bedside ended when Sirius arrived. He squeezed her hand briefly, though they didn't talk.

She went home, curling up on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. Was this what the next five months was doomed to be? Endless days of not being able to do anything while James, Sirius, and Remus threw their lives on the line every day? She thought about the unfairness of it all; angry with herself for letting it happen. She worried for Remus, who was far behind what the healers expected of his progress. What would she do with herself if he died? Would Sirius ever forgive her? Could she ever forgive herself for forcing his hand? Where would they be if she weren't pregnant?


	34. Healing Touch

The halls of St. Mungo's were becoming all too familiar. Lily paced them restlessly, nodding to the handful of healers she passed who caught her eye. Most of them, she ignored. They knew her now. She was familiar. She'd spent the last two weeks in weary vigil over Remus. It was all she could do right now. She was lucky, _very_ lucky that James was so tolerant of her. She'd gone with him to an Order meeting, hoping to get assigned to paperwork for the duration of her pregnancy. Certainly there was always a need for someone to be shuffling papers.

Alastor Moody was of a different mind. Someone had told him of her stint in St. Mungo's, and had explained the mission she'd gone on. The risk she'd taken with Remus. After promising him that she wouldn't risk the life of her unborn again.

Thankfully, they'd been alone at the time. It was embarrassing enough to announce to James that Moody had known first; but it was worse to have him scream it at them at the top of his lungs. He'd spent a good half hour shouting at her for her stupidity. Her carelessness. Her utter selfishness. Her insensibility. Her stubbornness. Lily had felt an inch tall by the time he was done with her. James hadn't said a word through it all. He simply stood a half a step behind her and left his hands on her shoulders. She hoped he hadn't intended on making some grand announcement at that meeting. By the time Moody was done ripping her character to pieces, Lily hadn't the heart to protest when he forbid her from all Order activity. He didn't want her knowing anything about Order proceedings, because he was utterly convinced she would get it in her head that only she could handle some random mission that arose. James had made a token effort of protest on her behalf, but Moody's fury had been quick to silence him.

 _Just wait._ James had told her later in private. Moody would get over his pique in a few weeks. If she simply behaved herself for a bit, then they could talk him into better sense. There was no reason in the world why she couldn't join Alice in setting assignments and organizing reports. Until then, Lily wasn't even allowed at the meetings.

A piece of her wanted to be furious. She wasn't a child after all. She'd bled quite a bit to help the Order, and it was her right to continue to help them. Especially with so few that could truly be trusted. But Peter and Alice had the paperwork situation handled according to Moody. Lily doubted that two people could really handle the amount of information flowing through the Order, but she would have to be patient. Perhaps talk Alice into speaking with Mad-Eye.

Lily settled back into place beside Remus' bed, heaving a sigh because there was little else she could do. Remus was ashen, drugged into an uneasy slumber. There were times when he would open his eyes, but it was anyone's guess at to how much he was aware of. He'd become agitated if left off sedative potions for too long. The healers whispered about possibly getting him addicted to the potions, but they didn't have any choice. What would happen with the moon? It was anyone's guess. Lily thought she was the only one fretting about it. There was still a week and a half until the next full moon. Remus could make drastic progress between now and then.

"There you are." She started, spinning to find Dani leaning in the doorway.

"What?"

"You're late." The mediwitch told her.

"My appointment is tomorrow." Lily frowned, confused.

"I know." Dani gestured impatiently. "Come on."

"Come where?" She wondered blankly, trusting Dani enough to rise to follow.

"You're pretty handy at charms, right?" Dani asked as they walked, ignoring her question.

"Yes." Lily gripped her wand tightly just in case.

"Strong stomach?" They paused outside a double door. "You must after the amount of combat you've seen, right?"

"I suppose." Lily muttered. She certainly would have agreed prior to becoming pregnant.

"We're understaffed." Dani told her. "Or we've just got a ton more people coming in and out these days. Sometimes I can't tell. But we need help."

"My help?" Her voice rose with surprise, but excitement light under her breast, too.

"If you're willing." The mediwitch nodded. "For now, you'll have to work under my supervision, which means only when I'm not seeing people privately. There are two little spells I'll have you start with. _Ferula_ —"

"Sets bones and minimizes pain." Lily recited without a beat of hesitation. "Has shown to improve bone healing if performed before giving a potion."

" _Tergeo_."

"Cleans the patient." She said with a slight shrug.

"Impressive." Dani shook her head, grinning.

"Top of my class." Lily muttered, flushing. "I'm sorry, it's sort of habit. My friends and I made a game of it."

"Oh I know!" She laughed. "I asked Dumbledore about you when it became apparent you'd be here every day regardless. He said you used to drive the professors mad interrupting their lectures."

"So we did." She giggled at the memory, shaking her hair back. "I'm happy to help."

"Then welcome to what we fondly refer to as Hell's Corner, though more commonly known as the emergency room." Dani opened the door and gestured her through. It wasn't _quite_ hell, but it was incredibly loud and there were clusters of people everywhere. Dani moved through the chaos like a pro, seeing the order behind the madness. Lily followed, performing her two little spells as directed until she understood the pattern of how the healers moved through the patients. Eventually, Dani let her move about on her own, and Lily had to catch herself several times from performing more than the two spells she was allowed.

Dani's shift was over far too quickly from Lily's perspective, though she had little choice but to follow the mediwitch out. Dani promised to increase Lily's allowance of spells with each time in the Corner. The mediwitch was assigned there two hours each day of the working week, and occasionally more as necessary. Lily found herself agreeing to shadow each of Dani's shifts. She had to believe the work was useful. Necessary. She was genuinely helping people. And as the healers became more certain of her and her abilities, she'd be less of another body in the way and more of a true asset. It was better than sitting beside Remus' bed praying that she hadn't killed him. It was much better than sitting at home twiddling her thumbs and waiting for James to come home.

* * *

"Why are you covered in blood?"

"Hello to you, too, Alice." Lily spared the other witch half a glance, focused still on getting herself cleaned off.

"Moody said you were benched." Alice frowned. "And here you are in the hospital covered in blood."

"It's not mine." She wrinkled her nose. "I was down in Hell's Corner helping Dani."

"Why?" Alice wondered, crossing her arms. "Shouldn't you be out with James? He's going on missions with Caradoc Dearborn, you know."

"I'm aware." Lily shrugged, face heating. "Moody didn't tell you?"

"No."

"I'm pregnant." It was much easier to say now. And impossible to deny considering how much her belly had expanded over the course of the last month.

"You look it." Alice commented, running a hand over her own baby bump. "But I hope you know how disappointed I am in you."

"I'm a hypocrite, I know." Lily rolled her eyes, finally getting the last bit of gore from her clothes.

"Oh, it's not that. I just had a bet going with Frank as to why you've been sitting out recently." Alice flapped a hand at her. "I lost. He bet James had knocked you up, but I was holding out for some sort of guilt-fest over Remus. Have you seen Frank recently? I totally would have changed the bet if I'd seen you."

"I saw him two weeks ago when they released him." Lily shrugged. "I've been making rounds on all the Order members who land themselves in here. Not much else to do, really."

"Ah, well." Alice scowled. "Damn."

"Sorry?"

"Meh, whatever." She drug a second chair over to Remus' bedside and sat with a groan. "What I'm more curious to know is how did all this happen."

"I'd really think you'd know that by now." Lily quipped. "You see, when a man and a woman love each other—"

"Oh, spare me the patronizing speech." Alice laughed, shoving her lightly. "I figured that part out a while ago. Right about the time when you told me that bringing a baby into this mess was the height of stupidity."

"I never told you that." She disagreed.

"But you told James."

"Perhaps." Lily allowed with a sheepish grin. "And he agreed, mind you."

"So this was an accident."

"Basically." She made a face, looking away. "You're welcome to sneer and be condescending, you know."

"I won't." Alice snorted. "I'm not that much of a bitch. Or at least, I try not to be. I'm happy for you both, Lily. You and James will be wonderful parents."

"James'll be a great dad." Lily sighed. "I'm still not convinced I'm qualified for this."

"Lily, you're perfectly qualified to be a mother. You'll be bloody awesome."

"But I haven't done anything to prepare." She muttered, pressing her hands to her face. "We only have three bedrooms in the house, and Remus and Sirius still live with us. I have nothing to make into a nursery. I don't have any furniture for it. James and I haven't even begun discussing how we're going to parent this kid. I _know_ we're going to have different ideas of what's acceptable and what's not. And—"

"At least you're used to arguing." Alice interrupted. "You know how to bounce back from one."

"I suppose there's that." Lily made a face.

"It doesn't help, you know." She continued. "I've been nesting a lot recently. I have the baby's room all ready. We have books to read him, blankets for him to snuggle in, and a teddy for him to sleep with. We have a list of names and just need his mum's approval before it's all finalized." Lily glanced over at her. Alice was rubbing her belly, misty-eyed and staring off to the side. "But Frank and I haven't slept in the same bed since he got home from St. Mungo's. We can barely look at each other without shouting."

"Over what?" Lily wondered, perplexed.

"This stupid war." Alice groaned, swiping away tears angrily. "He nearly died at the Ministry, Lily. I've never been so scared in my life, and he's just gone and brushed it off like it was nothing! He absolutely refuses to even consider sitting out of the fight. What if I have to raise this child alone?" Alice's voice broke over the last.

"I'm scared." Lily whispered, shifting her chair closer so she could wrap an arm around Alice's shoulders. "I know what you mean. If something happens to James, I don't know what I'll do. The only reason I want this baby is because it's his and I know he's always wanted a family."

"You have Sirius." Alice croaked. "You know he'd do anything for you. I don't have anyone other than Frank."

"So what am I?" Lily snorted, shaking her gently. "If anything happens to Frank, then I'll be right here. And Sirius will be too. And Remus if— _when_ he gets better." She looked over at the unconscious man, chest tightening uncomfortably for a moment. He _would_ get better. "We'll help you. The whole Order will. You know that."

"Well I do now." Alice tried for sarcasm, but it was lost as she wiped away tears hastily.

"You should have known before." Lily chided gently. "For all our spats, you are a good friend, Alice. You keep me grounded, you know."

"Someone has to." She said, grinning weakly. "Else you'd just float off into la-la land with Potter and we'd all be screwed."

"We can be pregnant and grumpy and worried and emotional together, right?"

"Right." Alice jerked her into a tight hug, which Lily returned with interest. _You don't have to face this alone_.

"Now, now ladies." James drawled from the doorway. "If you're going to get frisky—"

"If you finish that sentence, you're cuddling with Sirius for a week." Lily threatened, craning around to glare at her husband. "That is far too much like him for comfort."

"Didn't you know I taught him all my secrets?" Sirius followed him in, shaking his head mockingly.

"I know you shared a bed at Hogwarts for a month because you thought there was a monster under your bed." Lily said dryly, causing both men to flush.

"How—no we didn't!" James protested.

"You're _joking!_ " Alice gasped, eyes lighting up.

"How does she know about that?"

"Play it cool, mate."

"It was a _boggart!_ " Sirius barked, face cherry red. "And we were in second year!"

"Fourth year." Lily shook her head, grinning wickedly.

" _No it was not!_ "

"It was fourth year." She whispered to Alice.

"It was _second year!_ " Sirius insisted.

"And just one night." James added. "Not a month."

"A month in fourth year." She repeated. Alice was weak from laughter, tears streaming down her face for an entirely different reason now. Lily beamed, proud of herself.

" _Evans_." Sirius hissed, face flaming.

"What? You can dish out pranks, but you can't take them? It's not even a complete lie." She smirked at him, because Sirius' version was entirely correct.

"I hate you."

"You know you love me." Lily winked broadly.

"What have we created?" James moaned, pressing his hands to his face.

"This is all your bloody fault, Prongs."

" _My_ fault?" He cried. "That incident was all your doing. It was under _your_ bed, and _you_ came barging into mine—"

"Only because Remus hexed me!" Sirius protested.

"You just keep telling yourself that." Lily teased, patting Alice on the back while she caught her breath.

"New topic." James decreed, though Sirius continued muttering under his breath about the lies she wove. "How was Hell's Corner today?"

"Bloody." She shrugged. "There was a mishap at some factory and a bunch of people got cut up pretty bad. Nothing overly serious, though."

"That's good." He conjured up another chair, parking himself beside her. "Dearborn is a snob and stakeouts are boring."

"So nothing new." Lily grinned.

"Pretty much." James glanced at Alice before looking at Remus. "Anything new here?"

"He hasn't had his afternoon sedative like usual. So this is good, or so they think."

"That's not much." Sirius growled.

"It's better." Lily said firmly. To the best of her knowledge, neither of them had seen how violent Remus could get when off sedation. She'd witnessed one episode, and hadn't forgotten it. That he could lay quietly without the calming effects of a potion was a massive improvement.

"He'll come back from it." Alice said. "I did an extra assignment on aconite poisoning for Slughorn because I was dismal at potions and desperate to pass. I learned a lot, and Remus will be perfectly fine. You might have a baby before he's able to go back out in the field, but he'll get there."

"Merlin, I hope you're right."

"That's exactly what the healers have been saying." Lily sighed, twining her fingers through James'. They lapsed into silence, each lost to their own thoughts. Lily chanced a glance at Alice and found her staring at their entwined hands. A stab of guilt passed through her. How could she flaunt their relationship in front of Alice when her own was doing so poorly?

"Mmf." It was barely a sound. But she looked to the bed anyway and found green eyes staring at her.

"Moony!" Sirius cried, leaping for the bed. "Merlin, you're awake."

"Wha—" He started coughing. Lily bolted for a glass of water while James rushed to the bedside.

"How do you feel? Are you okay?"

"Sirius, stop asking him questions."

"Both of you, I swear." Lily elbowed her way past James. "Here, Remus. Drink." She thought about the last thing she'd offered him to drink and nearly winced. "It's water."

"W-what hap-pened?" He demanded, voice little more than a croak after a month of disuse.

"Do you know your name?" She asked, remembering all the things Dani had asked her—routine questions for people who came in with head injuries.

"Yes, now—"

"Tell me your name."

"Remus Lupin, and s-s-so h-help me..." He started coughing again, wheezing as he tried to draw enough breath to speak.

"I'll get a healer." Alice said, rushing from the room.

"Just drink." Lily coaxed, trying to lift the cup to his lips. He knocked it from her hand.

"What did I do to you?" Remus growled, eyes wild with fear.

"Nothing." She whispered, pitching her voice to sooth. "Nothing at all. Please try to stay calm."

" _No!_ "

"Mate."

" _No!_ " He started thrashing, and Lily found herself jerked right off the bed by James. " _No, no, no!_ "

"Moony, mate, it's alright." Sirius insisted, trying and failing to hold him down. "She's fine."

"She can't be!" Remus' voice broke.

"She is." James pressed, grabbing Remus' shoulder. "Lily's fine. You didn't do anything to her."

"No..." All of hell was in his expression. "There...there was a cage, a-and..." He shuddered all over. Lily pressed her hands to her mouth, aching for him.

"Remus, it's okay." She whispered, staying at the foot of the bed. Out of range in case he started flailing around. "I promise."

"No."

"I can prove it to you." Lily took a step forward. "If you'll let me. If you'll stay still enough." He stilled abruptly, eyes wide. His hand trembled in hers when she lifted it and pressed his hand to her stomach where the baby was kicking. "Feel him? We're okay, Remus."

"He knew, too?" James hissed quietly.

"Lily." Tears gathered in Remus' eyes.

"It's okay." She repeated. "You've been sick for a while. A month, actually."

"Moon?"

"Tomorrow." Lily answered. "I'll be long gone. We're not trying that again, okay?"

"You're okay?"

"Yeah." Even she was getting misty-eyed. "And you're going to be okay, too." Despite the worried looks that James and Sirius shared over their heads, Lily let him drag her close. She held Remus as he shivered, glad that her baby had picked a convenient time to make himself known. How could they have calmed him down if she hadn't felt the baby's kicks? Relief dragged on her limbs. Alice was right. Everything was going to be okay.

Remus' arms went slack after a few moments. Lily laid him gently on the pillows, arranging the blanket over him neatly. He was back out, oblivious to the world. They took a collective sigh, and Lily rose to wrap her arms around her husband.

"That was good." Sirius muttered, staring down at Remus.

"Let's just hope he remembers it." Lily sighed.

"What?"

"I had the same conversation with Dani three times, according to her. Took until the third for me to remember it, though."

"Shit." Sirius groaned, running his hands through his hair.

"Language."

"Merlin, Lily. Give a man a break sometimes!"

"You need to get used to it before the baby arrives." She warned him for the hundredth time. Sirius had a few more rude words to say, though this time, Lily just rolled her eyes at him. James squeezed her shoulders gently, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. He shared her relief. She closed her eyes for just a moment. _Everything is going to be just fine._

* * *

"Mrs. Potter, it truly is a pleasure to see you." Dumbledore said, leaning forward against his desk with his fingers laced together.

"It's wonderful to see you as well." She grinned, glancing around the familiar office. It looked no different than the last time she'd been inside.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"James and I talked to Moody a few days ago." Lily started, guessing that Dumbledore already knew of their second attempt to convince him to allow her access to Order business. "He's still pretty firm about not needing my help with paperwork, and I hate feeling so useless."

"Dani tells me you're doing wonderful work at St. Mungo's." Dumbledore said, not giving away any bit of the thoughts behind his serene expression.

"And I enjoy it, don't get me wrong." She nodded. "But I feel like I'm only cleaning up the mess behind the war. I'm not doing anything to help stop it. And I'm not asking for missions. I'm not asking you to contest Moody's decision to keep me from the paperwork side of things. But we brought back a lot of books. Surely you could use help going through them all. Or anything you need researched. I have more than enough time to read."

"Mrs. Potter, I appreciate the offer; however, I am afraid I have very little I can offer to you."

"The books?" She repeated, trying not to sound as desperate as she felt. "If you'll just tell me what you're looking for…"

"I'm afraid that is the difficulty." Dumbledore said solemnly. "It is not knowledge you should ever be privy to. Those books contain the darkest of magics. I would not have you taint your soul by researching magic that is beyond sanity."

"What of protective magics?" She wondered, grasping at straws. She needed more than two hours of entertainment during the day. "We have the Fidelius Charm, but what if there's something better? I'm good at charms, and that's certainly not something that will taint anything. Right? I mean, the Fidelius Charm is good, and we may not need anything better; but what if there is something better? I wouldn't be wasting time researching it, because I wouldn't be doing anything else anyway. It's not a bad idea."

"Perhaps you are right." He regarded her closely over his half-moon spectacles, gaze penetrating enough that she almost squirmed with discomfort. "I will send books to you, Mrs. Potter; but I must ask that you take caution with your travels. I would not wish harm to befall your child." A grin blossomed across his face as he rose. "After all, without life there cannot be hope."

"So I've heard." Lily returned his smile as best she could, still befuddled as to why everyone else was so enamored with her pregnancy.

"Go home." Dumbledore commanded gently, ushering her towards the fireplace. "I will send you books there."

"Thanks." Lily took a handful of floo powder and tossed it in the fire. It whisked her off, and she tried her best to throttle annoyance. She'd known that Dumbledore would likely be reluctant to give her any amount of work. Moody was a fly buzzing in everyone's ear that she couldn't be trusted to stay home. She thought she'd been behaving herself beautifully, venturing out of the house only to go to St. Mungo's. But now that Remus' recovery was gaining speed, Lily didn't have as much reason to spend every waking moment at his bedside. He'd be home in a few weeks anyway, and then she'd just be going to St. Mungo's for _maybe_ two hours a day to help Dani in the emergency room. And eventually, Dani wouldn't want her doing that for her pregnancy!

"How's Dani?" Sirius asked as she brushed ash from her clothes.

"Same as usual, I guess." Lily shrugged, stealing the second half of his toast. "I went to see Dumbledore."

"About what?" He wondered suspiciously.

"Research." She sat with a groan, resting her head on the back of the couch. "Moody's very absolute that I won't get any Order paperwork, and I'm going mad being so useless. They won't let me in the Corner if Dani's not there, and her hours are getting cut back in favor of private appointments."

"Don't hate on Moody too much."

"Why not?" She grumbled petulantly. "I'm not that stupid."

"You've proven yourself to be plenty rash, Potter. Or shall I trot out the number of times you've done stupid things over Prongs?"

"Going after James is different." Lily wrinkled her nose at him. "If something happens to James, then I'm not promising to be rational. I won't sit on this couch no matter how pregnant I am if his life is truly in danger. Remember, Black, I know what it feels like to be captive."

"And what I am, chopped liver?" He snorted. " _I_ would find Prongs and bring him home safe. You keep the baby nice and cozy on the couch."

"I love you, Sirius, and I trust you more than anyone but James. _However_ , you are utterly mad if you think I'd let you go alone."

" _Let me_ _?_ " Sirius repeated skeptically. "Woman—"

"I missed something." James surmised, appearing in the doorway.

"You can never just say 'hello', can you?" Lily snorted, rising anyway to greet him. She looked him over carefully, prodding him a few times to make sure he wasn't hiding bruises.

"Hello, Lily." He said obediently, catching her waist and kissing her softly. "You are looking gorgeous today. Now what did I miss?"

"An argument about a hypothetical time in which you need rescuing." She shrugged, shooting a glare over her shoulder at Sirius. He narrowed his eyes in response.

"Let's just agree that I won't need rescuing." James said lightly.

"Fair enough." She rose on her toes to kiss him again. "Hungry?"

"Starving."

"I'll get it." Sirius vaulted to his feet, making a dash for the kitchen.

"I'm pregnant, not infirm." Lily snapped. It had been cute the first time he'd leapt up to do something in her place because of her pregnancy. Now, it was getting ridiculous. "I'm perfectly capable of cooking, now sit your ass down."

"But—"

" _Now_."

"She's a little cranky." Sirius muttered to James, slinking from the kitchen.

"You don't have to baby her."

"Traitor!"

"I'm simply behaving myself!" James called back, settling at the table. "Now feed me, wench."

"You want to reconsider that statement, buddy?" Lily snorted, shaking her head at her husband.

"Love you, Lils."

"Terrible save." She kept her back to him so he couldn't see her grin. "How was Dearborn?"

"An ass." James answered with a sigh. "You know, it's remarkably boring to sit and chat about weather for five hours while waiting for something to happen."

"Quidditch?" She offered, twisting to look at him. "Surely he's got to have something to say about that."

"Stupid things." He muttered with a scowl. "Had that talk last week."

"I'm sure I don't want to know." Lily turned back to the stove. "You haven't been out flying recently."

"Preoccupied."

"Flying usually helps with that, doesn't it?" A few jabs with her wand got the onions and peppers chopping themselves. She leaned against the counter trying to judge James' expression.

"Yeah." He agreed hesitantly, staring at the table. His eyes were narrowed behind his glasses, and though his brow wasn't quite pulled together, he gave off the air of a man frowning. Lily blew out her breath, leaving him to brood. She cooked the rest of the meal without using magic, comforted by the familiar routine.

"I saw Dumbledore today." She said after a few minutes of silence, eyes on the cooking vegetables rather than his reaction. "Looking for something to do since Moody is being unreasonable."

"What sort of work?"

"Research." She shrugged. "Someone's got to look through those books we found, right?"

"I didn't even think of that." James muttered. "Is that what you're going to do? I can clear my shit out of the office if you'll be using it more."

"Language, Potter; but yes, that would actually be nice. I won't be reading those books specifically. Dumbledore said he didn't want me tainted by reading about dark magic."

"That's actually…good of him." James sounded faintly surprised. "We had a few of those books at the mansion just from owning them for years. Dad always told me that reading them could change a man. He never did because of what happened to his father after he poked around with them."

"Use logic why don't you." Lily muttered under her breath.

"Lils, I'm not joking. Grandpa was mad. And I'm talking real madness, not just a little strange."

"I'm just frustrated." She shook her head impatiently. "I know you're right, and Dumbledore's perfectly right, too. He's going to send me books on protective charms to sift through. I mean, the Fidelius Charm is good, and I'm not expecting to find anything better. But I'm not exactly going to be wasting time by researching when I wouldn't have done anything else anyway."

"No, that's good." James nodded. "Don't get caught up in trying to find something better than the Fidelius Charm. It doesn't have to be that big and flashy. Even little charms can be put into layers to make a shield that's really strong."

"I didn't think of that." She admitted. "Little charms."

"Even small things we could cast to make our stake outs safer. That's real, useful stuff. Dearborn and I were talking along those lines the other day actually."

"I'll let you know what I find." Lily shot him a smile. James certainly had a point, but beneath it was a sense that he was just humoring her. Even though he was genuine, it felt a little patronizing. _But what else am I going to do? Until someone can convince Moody to let me have a hand in reading reports, it's this or sit around doing nothing more than cooking meals._

James and Sirius swapped stories of missions over dinner, and James shamelessly told him everything that had been discussed at the last Order meeting. Lily listened intently, too, as much on the outside as Sirius now. The news wasn't great. Vance had gone missing, and they had suspicions that Listerman had been hit by the Imperius Curse on his last mission. Thankfully, neither knew the location of Headquarters. A mixed-blood family had been found dead around their dining room table with no marks or evidence of poisoning. Two aurors had been killed during a raid. Three more Ministry employees were suspected of working for Voldemort, but it was uncertain if their action were their own or if Voldemort controlled them.

Frank Longbottom spent the last two nights sleeping at Headquarters because he was tired of fighting with his wife. Alice wanted him off missions entirely. Frank wasn't having it. Peter's mother was declining steadily, and he was too distraught about it to come over to the house for dinner on Sunday. He didn't want them visiting his mother, either. Marlene had finally broken things off with her muggle boyfriend, and had "strong words" about Lily's pregnancy. James refused to say what those words were and whether her opinion was good or bad.

The conversation veered off topic after that—another debate on Quidditch tactics and the respective importance of chasers and seekers. Lily rolled her eyes at the boys, rising to clear the dishes. She set the kitchen to clean itself, retreating to pen a few letters. She thanked Molly Weasley for her housekeeping tips and begged for tricks to keep herself sane through the pregnancy. She asked after the multitude of children they had, remembering the names only through a previous letter. She wrote to Marlene, asking for specifics of her opinion of the pregnancy, good or bad.

Lily spent several minutes staring at a blank piece of parchment. She and Alice had been exchanging nearly daily letters since their talk at Remus' bedside. It was truly wonderful having someone to share the trials and tribulations of pregnancy with. But rage practically breathed off the letter Lily had received from her today. She'd known all about Frank not coming home long before James brought the news back from today's meeting. How could she respond to Alice's frustration without making Alice angry with her? Could she tell Alice that she agreed with Frank? Did she truly believe it was right for the men to not lay down arms until their women were closer to term? Lily pressed her hands to her face.

"Lily?" James tapped on the door, leaning around it to find her in the dark office. "Can we talk?"

"Can we not start with that phrase? That's ominous." She swiveled around to look at him, catching his ghost of a grin.

"I don't want to start a fight." He sighed, stepping in to take a seat before the desk. "But it's not an easy topic, I think."

"I'm worried." Lily said flatly, propping her chin in her hands. "Start talking, Potter." He snorted out a laugh, ruffling his hair. He spent a moment staring at the floor before dragging his gaze up to her.

"I don't want us to fall apart." James started. "Not like Frank and Alice. I want you to tell me the truth. Do you want me to stop going on missions?"

"Would you stop if I asked?" She frowned.

"Don't ask me that." He snapped, leaning forward. "Just tell me. Is that what you want?"

"I can't… I can't answer that, James." Lily pushed away from the desk, turning her back to him.

"Lily."

"You should know the answer!" She whirled back around, voice rising. "Of course I want you to stop! I worry about you every day, James. How could I not? I'm not doubting Dearborn's capabilities, but he's not _me_. He can't protect you like I can." He was good, very good, at controlling his expression. James didn't flinch or explode at her outburst. He met her gaze steadily. "I love you, James. It would kill me to lose you. _Especially_ with this child of our brewing."

"Okay."

"No, it's not okay!" Lily shouted, throwing her hands up. "I'm not Alice, James. I'm not asking you to stop going, because I'm not that selfish. Or at least I don't want to be. The Order needs you. More than I do, really. They don't need both of us sitting around this house being useless. They don't need you doing paperwork to please my selfish desires! Do I want you going on missions, James? No! No, I bloody well don't want you to go. But I'm not asking you to stop doing what you think is right. Relationships are about compromise—"

"Are they?" He interrupted. "Because I don't seem to be doing much of that right now. Yes, Lily, they're desperately short on aurors, but that's my argument for doing what I want! That's not compromise. You're suffering for my mistake."

"It takes two, Potter, or do I need to give you a lesson in how to make a baby?" Lily crossed her arms, glaring at him. "I'm not having this fight with you."

"I don't want this to be a fight." James snapped impatiently. "But I don't want you to resent me for risking my life just because the Order needs me. I'd rather keep our marriage intact than end up joining Frank on a couch at Headquarters because you can't stand to look at me."

"Our marriage is fine." Lily said flatly. "If you even think about joining Frank, then we'll have a problem. If you want to keep going on missions; if you think that's what you need to do, then go. This isn't an ideal world, James. We're losing this war."

"No—"

"We are, James!" She shouted, finally voicing the fears that were at the root of everything. "We're losing. We haven't gained any ground for _months_. The only reason Voldemort didn't win is because Snape gave us half a hint. But it was just one, and there haven't been any more. We have to do whatever it takes. And if that means you're putting your life on the line, then who am I to stop you? I love you because you're brave and strong and a damn good auror. I'm not going to force you onto the sidelines, because we made a mistake. I'm not Alice."

"We're not going to lose." But in his voice was defeat. The words lacked the heat and strength they needed to be believable. James rose, stepping around the desk to grab her shoulders. "We'll find a way, Lily."

"I know." She agreed because it was easier than arguing. But there was a lead weight in her chest; echoed in James' eyes. He kissed her softly, accepting her agreement without another word. Her heart was heavy, but what else could she do?

She left her letter to Alice until the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. For once, she wrote as if she were writing an entry into a journal; pouring out her fears and conflicting desires onto the page. She couldn't bring herself to ask James to sit out with her even if it was what she wanted most. She begged Alice to understand; to realize the situation was bigger than them both. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and not all assignments were life-threatening.


	35. The Strongest Magic

_Magic is a strange, mysterious force that seeks to defy explanation. As soon as you believe you understand, a wrench, a simple flux, pulls the land askew and redefines reality. Great feats of magic are possible. Feats that boggle the mind—born from both the witch whose name is known throughout the land and the quiet wretch of a wizard that seemed to crawl from the mud before the casting._

 _Over time, magic has been defined and redefined and then defined again. Ever changing. Ceaseless. Magic is little more than the energy that makes the world spin on its axis. Those so gifted can harness this energy. Once, in ancient times, this was seen to be par for the course. Normal. Natural. When man sought to understand the world, magic began to defy explanation. Physics and natural harmony did not coincide with the bends and twists of magical energy._

 _In times still ancient, yet not so long ago, magic was denied by men who could not—would not—understand her. Those who could manipulate energy were exiled. Hunted. Magic began to change. It was refined to fit within the modern times. Wandlore was brought to life, to help those who struggled to grasp raw energy with their bare hands. Wands became protective. They were necessary._

 _Time moved on, as time always does. Half the world seemed to forget magic ever existed. They wrote off magic as a thing of dreams and fantasy. Those memories of magic that lingered were called acts of God. Divine intervention. Divine power. Half the world could never forget magic. They heard the whispers and slowly, so slowly as to be insidious, they began to believe the rumors. Gods, men called them. Their magic was divine intervention. They were better than the others—the others with blood that was dirty. Magic was purifying. Their own blood was clean and pure for the magic they could wield._

 _Time continued on, as time is wont to do. Magic became defined. Scripted. What was once seen as failure was now commonplace. Wands were once considered a crutch—a poor man's excuse for working magic. Overnight, or so it seemed to be, magic could not be performed without a wand. It was taught such that man could master a wand. That a wand could choose a wizard or repel one and deny power. Only those pure of blood would be chosen; would see their divine right manifested. Oh, how the ancients must have laughed!_

 _Great wizards were born. The greatest looked to the ancient past for secrets of magic. It was those who began to search among their dirty-blooded other half—the Mudblood. Once, it was a great thing to be able to pick out a Mudblood to whom magic called. Mudbloods who mastered magic were exalted. It was amazing that one so impure could overcome the odds; could become great._

 _The hands of the clock shifted once more. When those of dirty blood became too great, those of purity sought to shut them out. Mudblood became an insult. A dirty word. As dirty as it's original meaning, which had come full circle. Magic was as scripted as science. Only a spoken word with a complicated movement could bring about a response. Magic was not an experiment. It was akin to science, though hell to he who dared to state the comparison!_

 _Does time seem to become familiar now? Or has the clock continued to turn on this time, leaving this text to feel ancient and paltry? How now, must you feel?_

 _Indifferent to the changes of the world? Most appear to be. It is comforting to think the times you live in are how it's always been. Your woes are that which your grandparents faced. The woes your grandparents speak of seem somehow less after times changed. The changes seem little. Paltry. Even if the world is nothing like it once was._

 _Do you feel fear? It is natural, you know. To feel fear in the face of change. It is the mark of evolution that kept you alive while others failed. There is safety in the known. Danger in the unknown. It is perfectly natural to run from what you do not understand. Do not fear—you are not alone._

 _Is it excitement you feel? You burn for the novelty of the unknown, for the truths that once were. Perhaps you seek to learn magic as the ancients knew. Alas, I fear few will truly feel thus. Easy, it is, to practice magic only with a wand in one's hand and a spell on one's lips._

 _Curiosity for words that you never considered? Odd, it seems to you, that in all the history you've heard, you never once heard this. Have you heard, how history can be subjective? That the telling of a single event can make for a thousand stories—stories that, at first blush, might seem entirely unrelated. I am proud for your curiosity._

 _Or perhaps you simply feel confusion. Perhaps you were forced into reading this words and have no care for the tale I weave for you. When the pieces don't align with what you know, it is easy to dismiss the story for simple fiction. It might amaze you how much truth can be found in simple fiction._

 _If I am right, you might just be beginning to wonder what exactly it is I mean to tell you. For every time someone begins to speak or begins to write, there is a purpose. A lesson. Some piece of me that I mean to impart on you. Is this meant to be a lesson in history? A bit of life advice? A teaching in magic? I laugh as you try to puzzle it together._

 _But now! Let me say what I mean to say._

 _Magic is more, much more, than the waving of wands and the saying of spells. Spells and fancy wand movements will only get you so far. So you cannot perform magic without a wand? Perhaps you simply think of magic in the wrong way. Remember the lesson I've already taught? That back before the beginning of time, magic was simply the manipulation of energy. All could do magic. Let's go back to that; to simpler times. To a time when you merely had to believe it was possible for it to be done._

 _But with a twist of course, because nothing can ever be that simple._

 _A thousand protective spells and enchantments have been invented through the course of time. And why not? The world is a dangerous place. Any man will want to treasure the things he loves most. Thos of great power know that there is no price too great to protect the ones you love. And that is ultimately the crux of the matter. What is the price that's too great? For everyone has a price, whether you know it or believe it. Everyone has a price they are not willing to pay._

 _At the end of the line, when things are beyond hope, what are you willing to do in order to protect the ones you love? You must answer this question. Think long and hard. At what lengths will you go? At what length will you not go? It is odd the different answers these two questions can bring, even though they are asking the same thing._

 _Magic is little more than energy. Energy never fades. It only changes like a phoenix in constant cycle between life, death, and rebirth._

 _Ask yourself this: are you willing to die for what you love?_

 _The greatest power in this world brought from sacrifice. People sacrifice every day—sometimes the price is so slight you don't even realize what you're sacrificing. Other times, the sacrifice is so great that is nearly impossible to bear._

 _Some have the mistaken belief that great feats of magic are complicated. Complicated. Complex. Impossible. It must be so, because everyone could do it if it weren't. It takes someone great to do something extraordinary. I challenge you now to believe differently. To believe that ordinary people can do extraordinary things. It is a simple answer. But it is hard. Oh, so very hard. It must be hard otherwise everyone would be doing it._

 _A life for a life. A statement that has long be used to justify the murder of murderer. Or perhaps you are more familiar with its sister phrase—an eye for an eye. Do unto the thief what the thief has done unto you. In other context, this ideal comes into play. The greatest protection is born from sacrifice. Do you understand now?_

 _In raw form, magic is at its strongest. Can you stand in the face of death, unflinching and unafraid, to give your life for someone else? If you can, I really must insist that you see a doctor of some sort, because you are clearly suicidal. But can you stand unshakable to protect the one you love most? There is a difference between standing firm and standing unafraid. Fear can heighten magic. Any strong emotion can—that's how untrained children can perform magic before they have a wand in their hand. If you can stand, willing and ready to die, you can perform magic that is beyond comprehension in this day and age. You can perform a feat that will stretch through time, protective and undefeatable. For the kiss of death is the strongest magic of all._

 _It is the ultimate sacrifice, to die for another. It is something that cannot be undone; magic that must be undertaken with the utmost caution. You will not walk away, but your loved one will. Stand before death with open arms. Face it unshakable and perhaps a trifle afraid. Will your death to have meaning and it will. Magic need not be any more complicated than that._

 _Advice and Knowledge of One Nicholas Flamel_


	36. Respite

_Lily,_

 _That is the stupidest bit of drivel I've ever read. I sincerely hope you're not taking that seriously. I mean really? That man is batty, and there are no guarantees with that sort of magic. There's a reason it's been out of favor since Flamel was a little kid. Three people could sacrifice themselves—and be very DEAD—and have three completely different outcomes. You'd best not be taking that article seriously, else I will tube my fat butt through the chimney and hurt you. Don't think I won't!_

 _In response to the rest of your concerns, yes Frank and I are still arguing, but it's gotten better. I'm worried about him, though he swears he's just doing very basic watches. Moody has assured me that Frank's telling the truth, but I really wouldn't put it past Moody to lie on his behalf. (do you think this means I have trust issues?) Anyway, Frank was home last night, and we finally had a good talk that didn't involve shouting. Nothing is changing just yet, but we slept in the same bed last night, which is a bloody relief, let me tell you!_

 _I hope you and James are well. Frank says James complains about Dearborn every day, though it's nothing about his competency. Try to talk James out of pranks. He was plotting in a corner after the last meeting per Frank._

 _I feel like a balloon and I'm starting to resemble one. Frank wants to take pictures to preserve the memory. I told him he could sleep on the couch if he dared! This is one memory I'd like to forget. Hope your hormones are being nicer than mine._

 _—_ _With lots of crankiness, Alice_

Lily crumpled up the letter and pitched it in the trash, leaning back with a groan. Did Alice have a point? She thought about the Nicholas Flamel's book, considering that chapter from every angle. She believed the magic could be possible. It wasn't so far-fetched that self-sacrifice could have massive ramifications. But she didn't want to think about a time in which one of them would have to sacrifice their life for this kind of protection. It was a last ditch effort at the very best. Terrifying enough that she hadn't shared that passage with anyone but Alice. Not even James, though he often got lectures about her day's reading over dinner. He put up with it with tired grace, smiling indulgently while she lectured.

She rose with a grunt, deciding that her brain hurt too much to pen a letter to Alice at that moment. She'd been sitting and reading for much too long already. It was time and past for her to be doing something else. She waddled out to the fireplace, knowing that she'd beat Dani to the Corner, but bored enough to head there anyway. Reading the books Dumbledore sent her was like studying for exams all over again. Lily didn't really miss the constant studying, and didn't relish her daily task of researching protective spells. But she'd found several charms that could make Order missions safer, and was relaying them to meetings via James. The meager contribution helped ease her frustration over being benched.

"Lily! My favorite."

"Hi, Murabi." She smiled at the Head Healer indulgently as he strode across the crowded ward to envelope her in a hug. "Sorry I'm early."

"Better early than late." He turned surveying the crowd of people clustered throughout the Corner. "Ready to get started?"

"As soon as Dani gets here." Lily nodded, rubbing her swollen belly.

"Ack." Murabi snorted, patting her shoulder. "Get on with it. You've proven yourself to be plenty competent in the last few weeks. You _will_ enroll in formal training after you have the baby, right?"

"I'm thinking about it." She temporized, grinning as she rolled back her sleeves and donned a cover-robe.

"Stop thinking and starting doing." The healer said sternly. "We need more people like you around here."

"But I'll have a baby, and be all distracted." Lily winked. "And then you'll start complaining about me, and I'll no longer be your favorite."

"You stop showing up, and then you won't be my favorite."

"I'm only your favorite because you don't have to pay me." She teased, heading automatically for a mother clutching a small child. The boy wailed unhappily, covered in thick welts. "What happened here?" She asked, pitching her voice to be soothing. _Healer's cant_ , Dani called it.

"I'm not really sure." His mother groaned, hefting him up when he started to slip from her lap. "I turned around for a bloody minute, and he just started screaming." The mother's hair was a frizzy mess around her face, and she looked as near to tears as her boy. "Please, I don't know what spilled on him."

"That's alright." Lily murmured, examining the boy's arm.

"I'm a terrible mum."

"Of course you're not." She chided, summoning a tonic from across the room. Murabi _hated_ his workers being too lazy to cross the room to get supplies _—_ too much of a hazard with things flying through the air _—_ but he made an exception for her because she was pregnant. "Little boys just like getting into mischief. Don't you, kiddo?" He wailed extra loud as she dabbed the tonic on his arm. "I know." Lily said sympathetically. "I'm so mean."

"Do you know what it is?" The mother asked worriedly.

"Do you keep a bubotuber plant?"

"Oh _Merlin!_ " She cried, shaking her child gently. "How many times have I told you not to touch mummy's plants?" He hiccupped, cried subsiding as Lily continued to apply the tonic.

"Boys will be boys." Lily laughed lightly, examining his arms closely. "It doesn't look too deep. You shouldn't need anything else for him, but just let us know if the welts start to come back and we can owl you some of this."

"Thank you so much." The mother's eyes swam with tears.

"Any time." She told her, turning so the assistants could help her out. Lily washed her hands quickly, moving on to the next bed.

She fell into her routine, heedless of the passing time. She acknowledged Dani when the mediwitch arrived on the unit, but Lily was functioning more or less independently, especially with easy cases like bubotuber pus exposure and shallow burns. There were other, more serious cases scattered around the room. Lily wasn't exactly qualified to help with those. She wouldn't get involved unless someone deliberately pulled her to it.

"Bed on the end is all for you, Potter." Murabi said as she passed, elbow-deep in blood and cheerful as cheerful could be. He nodded towards the end of the ward. Lily shrugged and went off to the indicated corner. She found James perched on the bed, grinning.

"Hello, gorgeous."

"What happened?" There was no sign of overt injury, but her chest was tight with sudden worry.

"Nothing." He assured her. "I was visiting Moony, and you never showed, so I came looking for you."

"Are you sure?" Lily pressed, prodding him with the tip of her wand.

"I'm very sure." James caught her wrist, pulling her wand from his side so he could lean forward and kiss her. "Moony is very disappointed you didn't visit today."

"I was going to head up after I was done here."

"Were you planning on stopping today?" James teased. "You've been down here for five hours, or so I'm told."

"It hasn't been that long." Lily protested, twisting around to find the clock. She stared at the hands for several moments, blinking in surprise. She'd been working for closer to six hours.

"Hungry?" He prompted.

"Starving." She admitted, only belatedly noticing her stomach growling. "I should say hi to Remus first, though."

"He said to tell you that you're already forgiven." James said, rising. "So long as you visit tomorrow and confirm that I took you out for a wonderful date."

"I'm hardly dressed for a date night." Lily made a face, looking down at the mess on the front of her robes.

"Magic, my dear girl." James twirled his wand through his fingers as she pulled off the healer's robes. He didn't give her a moment to protest before charming the rest of her clothes clean.

"It's still lounge clothes." She muttered, running her hands through her hair.

"I come prepared." He offered her a bag. She took it with a scowl. "Or if you're feeling cantankerous, we can just go to some random pub. So long as you tell Remus how awesome it was, the night is lady's choice."

"I will be back." Lily turned with a sigh, heading for privacy to change. She wanted nothing more than to soak away the soreness in her back in a nice bath. _You can always do that after the date._ She reminded herself, examining James' gift. He'd bought her a nice sundress and had her favorite shoes stuck in the bottom of the bag. Lily grinned, changing as quickly as she could. She altered the dress just a bit to lay nicer over her pregnant belly before heading back to her husband. It was worth every bit of relative discomfort to see his face light up with pleasure. She took his arm, waving to Murabi as they left the ward.

"I borrowed Sirius' bike." James said idly as they took the lift down to the main floor.

"Does Sirius know about this?" Lily wondered, arching an eyebrow at him.

"He'll find out as soon as he gets home." He shrugged, unconcerned. "Would you be up for a bit of a road trip?"

"You do have the sidecar on it, right?"

"Yes, and I'm perfectly qualified to drive it."

"That's debatable." Lily snorted—the same response she had to each time he assured her of his qualifications. James certainly had never gone through formal schooling to learn to drive the motorbike, but he and Sirius had been messing around with the thing ever since Sirius brought it home. James could drive well enough.

"I attached the sidecar just for you." James told her sweetly, pointedly ignoring her skepticism.

"You're the best." She grinned at him. "Though you are the reason I'm fat, so my opinion is subject to change."

"You're not fat."

"Have you seen this thing?" Lily pointed at her stomach.

"You're still beautiful." James shook his head at her.

"So you continue to claim." She nudged him before allowing him to help her into the sidecar. As much as she enjoyed snuggling with him on the back of the motorbike, it was much more comfortable these days to be seated in the sidecar. Her burgeoning belly really was obnoxious sometimes.

James revved the engine once before pulling out into London traffic. She half-closed her eyes against the wind, hoping that his intended destination wasn't too far away. In short order, they were leaving the bright lights of the city in their wake, speeding down a dark motorway. James flipped a switch on the bike and shot them skyward. Lily squawked with surprise, knowing that she'd never live the noise down but clutching the side of the sidecar anyway. James was in his element, bright with excitement over this adventure.

They touched down in some small town in the middle of nowhere. He led her down the street, arm laced through hers. Peace ruled in this town. It was undisturbed; untouched by the war raging through the magical world. Lily couldn't stop smiling, glad to be out of the house. Glad to be with James. They wandered into a quaint Italian restaurant, relaxed and unhurried for the first time in ages. Lily assumed this town was safe from Death Eaters, or at least as safe as any place could be. James would not risk her safety. Not now.

"Happy?" James asked hopefully.

"Very." She squeezed his hand gently.

"You like working at St. Mungo's, don't you?"

"I like being useful." Lily shrugged. "And I know resting and relaxing is good for the baby, but I'm really not one to like just sitting around. Especially now."

"I know." James grimaced. "And without trying to offend you, I really do want to say how much I appreciate that you're not trying to sneak off on missions behind our backs.

"I might be crazy, but I'm not _that_ crazy." She wrinkled her nose at him. "I would never go alone, and certainly never without someone knowing where I've gone. We've learned that lesson plenty of times."

"So we have." He laughed. "I liked it, though. Seeing you in there today."

"Yeah?" She couldn't help but smile. "Murabi keeps bugging me about applying for training after I have the baby."

"Will you?" James wondered.

"I don't know." Lily shrugged. "I think I'd like to after this war is over. But I don't think I'd be content to be in the hospital every day knowing that I could be doing so much more outside of it with the Order. Not that I think either of us should go bolting back to missions right away, but we can't stay home with the baby forever."

"That's true." He agreed cautiously, cocking his head to the side. "You know, I hadn't really thought about what we're going to do after this baby arrives."

"Alice has it all mapped out for her and Frank." Lily admitted. "Makes me feel like a slacker sometimes. All of the time, actually."

"There's still time for all of that." James shrugged, dismissing the conversation. "I'd hesitate to make any decision until we know what sort of demand this child of ours will be. But just off the cuff, I don't know how willing we're going to be to leave him, and I don't know who we'll be leaving him with. The healers were talking about sending Remus home soon, but there's no guarantee that he won't be out undercover before we're ready to be active again. Sirius would be willing, but he'll pitch a fit over us risking our lives once we're officially parents. I don't even know if it's a good idea for us to be partners again. I trust you in the field more than anyone, but if something happens on a mission, it would be better if only one of us was there. One parent is better than none…right?"

"You're not wrong." Lily groaned, pressing her hands to her face. "Merlin."

"Hell." James echoed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Can we think about it later?"

"Please." She nodded emphatically. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Names?" He offered with a slight grin.

"Oh, Merlin."

"We're not naming our kid Merlin."

"Oh, really? That's the name I've been dreaming about for years." Lily rolled her eyes at him, laughing.

"Do you have a name you've been dreaming about?" James asked hopefully.

"Haven't even thought about it."

"Damn." He made a face. "Neither have I."

"We're really going to have to watch our language, you know." She mused, distracted. "Else we're going to have a really difficult child."

"Lecture Sirius." James advised dryly. "Though I wish you luck with that."

"Shit."

"Language, Lily."

"Fuc—damn it! Shit!"

"Just stop!" James gasped through hysterical laughter.

" _Merlin!_ " Lily cried, pressing her hands to her face, laughing so hard she was nearly crying.

"That was so priceless." He wheezed, breathless from laughing.

"It's not funny!" She tried to protest. James just laughed harder. Lily made a rude gesture at him before leaving him to pull himself together while she went to the loo.

James was composed by the time she got back, though he ruined the seriousness he was trying to portray with his lips twitching against continued sniggers. She rolled her eyes playfully, sitting down with as much dignity as she could manage.

"It's not funny."

"That was hysterical."

"But we seriously need to work on language."

"Yes, ma'am." James nodded with a straight face, coughing to hide a laugh.

"Names." Lily said decisively.

"I've got nothing." He admitted ruefully. "I was hoping you had something in your back pocket."

"No." She made a face. "Don't really have a family name I want to repeat."

"We have a tradition of using the dad's name as the middle one." James offered weakly. "Kinda stupid, really."

"I will accept tradition since we're short of options."

"Should we name him a flower?"

"What flower?" Lily snorted. "Do you want him to get the mickey teased out of him? Seriously, James!"

"It was just a suggestion." He stuck his tongue out at her briefly. She tried to stay stern and not laugh. "Symbolism."

"How 'bout no?"

"Okay." James screwed his face up trying to think of other ideas. Lily had to press a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing at him.

"Don't hurt yourself."

"Hush now, I'm trying to think."

"I know it's hard for you." She teased. "Take your time."

"Bugger off."

"Oo feisty."

"You're right, that's really annoying." James sighed, shaking his head. "Sorry I put you through that for a few years."

"Four." She reminded him. "I'm just getting started."

"Merlin help me." He groaned.

"I'll go easy on you." Lily said gently. "Only because it's so hard for you to think."

"Evans."

"It's Potter now, if you'll recall."

"I do recall." He grinned, eyes dancing with mischief. "I thank Merlin every day for miracles."

"You will not win me over with excessive cuteness." She told him sternly, even if her heart skipped a beat. "Nice try, though."

"Love you, too, Lily." She smiled broadly, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. The arrival of their food interrupted the banter, and she was famished enough to let the conversation go entirely. The quiet was comfortable. Peaceful. It was so easy being around him. _To all those who doubted we could make this work after breaking up—in your faces!_ Lily giggled to herself, keeping the gesture silent except for the slight shake in her shoulders. James either didn't notice her being a goof, or he was polite enough not to mention it.

"Have you thought about godparents for this kid?" James asked idly as the plates were cleared away.

"Do what now?"

"Godparents." He repeated. "Don't tell me it's just a thing with wizards. Surely muggles—"

"They do." Lily shook her head slightly. "I just wasn't paying attention. Godparents." She blinked a few times. "Sirius."

"Oh?"

"You disagree?"

"No, I just thought I'd have to spend a few hours convincing you." His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Sirius?"

"We wouldn't be having a baby if he didn't fix our relationship for us." Lily shrugged. "You know that, right?"

"I know." James nodded easily. "I just thought you'd think he was too much of a bad influence for our kid."

"He's a rock beneath all that fluff." She made a face. "You know it just as well as I do, James. He'd make a good dad if he would just settle down with one girl."

"That's never been his game."

"The wheels are spinning and grinding in that head of his. Womanizing is fun enough when you're young, but he's asked for plenty of relationship advice over the years."

"To spoon-feed to me when I mess up." James snorted.

"He'll come around."

"Maybe." He grinned. "It would be good for him. Though he'd argue that's only because I have you and you're filling my head with all sorts of nonsense."

"It's useful nonsense." Lily told him brightly.

"It's not nonsense." James winked.

"Lay it on a little thicker." She encouraged dryly.

"Hush now. I'm being charming."

"If that's what you call it."

"Hush, hush." He rose to offer her a hand. She smiled, accepting his kiss and wrapping her arm through his as they left the restaurant.

"Who do you think for a godmother?" Lily wondered. "Alice?"

"If the alternative is Marlene, definitely Alice." James shrugged loosely. "I'd be fine with that."

"Well that settles that debate."

"Want to fly around for a while?" He wondered. Lily glanced up at the cloudless sky, grinning.

"I'd love to."

* * *

"Hello, Lily."

"Sirius." She muttered without looking up from her reading. "I thought you were visiting Remus."

"I am." He said proudly. "I brought him home."

"You did?" Lily straightened. "I thought the healers said he'd be released next week!"

"I think they're tired of having me around." Sirius laughed. "But no, I talked to Roberts when Moony told me he could come home. He said he's stable enough for it."

"Are you sure?" She asked worriedly. "Not that I don't want him home, but…"

"Ask Moony." He shrugged. "I only helped get him here." Lily rose to do just that. He hadn't had a crisis in almost two weeks, but the next moon was just around the corner. Was it really safe for him to be unsupervised? She found Remus on the living room couch, smirking with triumph.

"Hey, stranger." She greeted.

"Hi, Lils." His smirk didn't waver. "Fancy seeing you here."

"I think I should be the one saying that." She shook her head, propping her hands on her hips. "Are you sure you're okay to be here?"

"Perfectly healthy." Remus nodded without pausing. "All I need to do is regain some strength, and I'll be back to normal."

"Will you go back for the moon?" Lily asked, sitting on the far side of the couch. "Not that I don't want you home, mind. It's just if something happens—"

"You're basically a healer these days." He flapped a hand at her. "That's why they let me come home."

"I'm not here every hour of every day." She reminded him.

"I heard Dani and Murabi talking. You're going to be forced to stay here soon. Even floo travel isn't safe once you get far enough along."

"Hush now." Lily snapped.

"What?" Sirius deadpanned, scowling.

"I'm not there yet." She said impatiently. "Dani would certainly know if I was showing up for duties when I shouldn't be."

"I suppose." He said warily.

"It's not just yet." Remus seconded. "I'm just saying it'll be in the next week or two, so you'll be here if I need help. Which, I might add, hasn't been necessary for two weeks. My memory's all intact again, and everything is good."

"If you say so." Lily sighed, giving up the argument. It was nice having him home again. Absolutely relieving that there wouldn't be lasting damage.

"I do say so." He said firmly. "Where's Prongs?"

"Mission." Lily shrugged, feigning unconcern. "He's due back in another hour or so."

"I'm impressed you're letting him keep on with the Order."

"It's not easy." She admitted. "But it's necessary."

"I'm impressed." Remus repeated with a slight smile.

"I'm trying not be selfish." Lily shrugged, unwilling to admit that her resolve to let him do what he wanted was getting weaker by the day. She was desperate to have him with her when the baby arrived; petrified of the possibility of having to raise their son alone. "I feel like a balloon." She complained, just to shift the topic from James' missions.

"You look a bit like a balloon." Remus told her solemnly. "In the nicest way possible."

"I will hurt you."

"Would a massage make you feel better?"

"I'll coerce James into it later." Lily flapped a hand at him. "No worries. I have talent."

"I'm sure you do." Remus joked.

"Innuendos are not appreciated."

"What innuendo?" He asked airily. "I make no innuendo!"

"Whatever you say." Lily snorted.

"Prongs not giving you enough love there, Lils?" Sirius teased. "You seem a little hot and bothered."

"I will hurt you." She threatened, shooting a cold look his way.

"Definitely not enough loving."

" _Black._ "

"Merlin save me from women who can't take a joke!" He laughed, smirking at her.

"You secretly love difficult women." Remus snorted, leaning back carefully.

"It's not a secret." Sirius laughed. "Anything from the kitchen, Lils?"

"Only things I'm not allowed to have." She sighed heavily.

"Don't worry. I'll drink enough firewhiskey for the both of us." He winked broadly before trotting off to the kitchen.

"I'm glad you're okay." Lily said quietly, watching Remus closely while trying to look like she wasn't. She'd spent too much time worrying over his recovery to accept that he was sitting on the couch looking hardly worse for the wear.

"I could say the same about you." Remus grinned, shifted around to get a more comfortable position. "Tell me about the potion, won't you? I've been wanting to ask. How did you come up with that even?"

Lily started at the beginning, telling him of Grace's hint and her months of back and forth with Damocles. She left nothing out, continuing on with her perspective of their time in the basement cage. Remus was silent and attentive during her explanation. As was Sirius, and then James when he came home halfway through.

"You're bloody lucky to be alive." She finished, watching Remus' reaction closely. His expression gave away nothing.

"Bloody lucky you're so good with potions." He corrected for her.

"Don't do it again." James ordered sternly. "I beg you."

"No worries there, love."

"Decidedly not." Remus agreed slowly. He had the barest hint of a frown on his face. Lily focused on him as Sirius asked after James' mission. Another boring stake-out, or so James described. She had a silent stare off with Remus until Sirius went off to cook dinner and James went upstairs to take a shower. They sat in silence for several long minutes, measuring each other.

"What?" Lily asked eventually.

"You won't brew it again, will you?" Remus said, eyes narrowed.

"After what happened?" She gasped, horrified. "Are you insane?"

"Lily, _I kept my mind_. You have no idea! No idea what that means for me." He leaned forward, burning with intensity. "What if I took it like I'm supposed to? I'll bet it doesn't poison me like it did drinking it all at once."

"Absolutely not!" Lily shouted, shoving to her feet. "Remus, you are _insane_."

"What's going on?" Sirius reappeared at her shout.

"Nothing." They spat in unison. Lily spun away from Remus' fury, storming to the study. She slammed the door in her wake, trying not to tremble. How could he possibly want to try that stupid potion again? It was suicide! He'd likely be sensitized to aconite now. His reaction would be even worse if he was exposed again. It would be deadly. She sat in the office and fumed, wanting to shake Remus until his teeth rattled.

There wasn't a chance in hell she'd let him risk is life like that.


	37. The Final Mission

"What is this?" Lily demanded, perplexed.

"That, my dear, is a diaper." Sirius informed her, smirking.

"Well, yeah I know that…" She stared at him. "Why do you have a diaper?"

"You're due for a baby in hardly a month." He reminded her dryly. "Don't you think you should have diapers?"

"We _have_ diapers." Lily rolled her eyes, propping her hands on her hips. "What I'm still failing to understand is why the diapers are out of the box. What are you doing?"

"Nothing." He shrugged, tossing the diaper over his shoulder and ducking from the presumptive nursery. Lily made a face at his back, wondering again at the wisdom of commandeering Sirius' room for the nursery. She looked around at the boxes and half-built furniture littered throughout the room.

"Bugger it all." She muttered under her breath, leaving the mess alone and waddling downstairs—exactly as she'd done for the last two weeks since James decreed the room to be for the baby. Sirius had been perfectly gracious about the whole mess, though he'd been bickering constantly with Remus ever since. When it started, Lily couldn't blame him. She'd been as furious as Sirius when Remus informed the household that he'd be going out under cover less than a week home from his stint at St. Mungo's. They'd stood shoulder to shoulder and shouted themselves hoarse, each trying to be heard over the other. Remus took it all without saying a word. He'd left them flushed with anger with a simple statement of "Dumbledore asked me to."

Lily stood in the doorway to her office, hands cupped around her pregnant belly. _Because Dumbledore asked me to._ Was this how he'd felt when she used that same reason for the stupid things she did with James? Was it nothing more than she deserved? Turnabout was fair play after all. Lily heaved a sigh, waddling over to her desk. It'd been bad enough when Remus was comatose in St. Mungo's. Having him back in the field and not fully recovered was worse. She _knew_ he still had dizzy spells. His appetite was worse than nothing, and his hands trembled when he thought no one was watching. What was Remus thinking? She pressed her hands to her face, because she really wasn't any different than him. She'd gone out on missions—and very dangerous ones at that—knowing full well that she was pregnant. She hadn't cared. Or rather she'd justified it all very easily. The war was bigger than them all. It always had been, and it always would be. No matter how insignificant it seemed in the face of her impending labor.

 _You have a month._ Lily reminded herself sternly. _More than a month, really._ Alice was the one closer to term. Alice Longbottom was two weeks away from having her baby perfectly on time. Lily had three more weeks to wait past that. Plenty of time to fix the nursery up. Plenty of time to sit down with James and iron out the details of parenthood. They could decide on a name then. In the interim between James' last mission and when the baby was born. They could read all about babies and parenting techniques in that time. They wouldn't fight half as much as her parents had. James wouldn't allow her to suffocate their baby in the way her own parents had done to her. He knew better. She'd just have to rein him in on occasion. That wasn't exactly a bad thing, right?

 _I'm not ready to be a mother._ It was a haunting thought. One that came more often the farther along she got. It was petrifying, because she couldn't find a way to talk herself out of it. Her own parents had done their very best for her and Petunia, and she hated them for all the misguided notions she'd had because of their efforts. Okay, maybe hate was too strong of an adjective, but there was certainly resentment! Would her own child come to resent her so much? What could she do except try her best? What would she do when her best wasn't good enough? Her only comfort was that Alice shared her fears of inadequacy. They were both worried about their respective child already; fearing that they would fail in some way or another. Alice thought it was natural. She said it meant they cared.

And beneath all the fear, anxiety, and worry was so much excitement that it was a wonder her heart hadn't burst. She _did_ care. Her little boy was no longer just a phantom thought. She felt his movement constantly throughout the day. She found herself talking to him when no one was home, already head over heels in love with her baby. What did it matter if she didn't know how to be a mother? He wouldn't have any sort of expectation of greatness from her. Certainly it would be a few years before she really had to be careful about messing up. She knew babies cried a lot, needed their diapers changed frequently, needed burped after being fed, and would keep them awake often during the night. So what if she'd never changed a diaper in her life? What did it matter that she hadn't seen a baby be burped before? There would be plenty of time to figure it all out, and Dani had promised to guide her through the process. And she'd have James by her side through it all, and her little baby to have and to hold and to kiss and to love. What more could there possibly be?

Lily reached blindly for a book before panic could set it. There were about a million other things to consider about having a baby in the house, so it was time and past to get through the last three books Dumbledore had sent her to read. The book she lifted was a gift from Remus—one that still merited some debate as to whether or not he'd purchased it as a joke. _How to Raise a Baby 101._ Lily rolled her eyes at the book and chucked it across the office. _That_ was not worthy of being a distraction. She'd get around to reading the stupid thing eventually.

"Don't you come early now." She muttered to the baby, summoning a different book. "Got that?" She flipped open her chosen book—one that was immensely complex and nearly impossible to read—and focused with all her might on the narrow script, trying desperately not to think of due dates and Sirius playing with diapers. After a few false starts, the distraction worked. She puzzled through the ancient text, trying to make heads or tails of half-described charms and curses.

"Lils, what time is James due back?" Sirius asked her sometime later, sticking his head around the door.

"Late." She answered without looking up. "He was gonna spend some time commiserating with Frank after the mission."

"Commiserating?"

"They were going to get a few drinks." Lily sighed, dragging her eyes from the book. "Today was Frank's last mission until after their baby is born."

"Has Prongs set an absolute?" He wondered, frowning to himself.

"Not that he's told me."

"Should be soon, though right?"

"Yeah." They'd narrowly avoided a shouting match about it the other day. Lily was forcibly refraining herself from hexing her husband each morning just to keep him home. They had over a month left in her pregnancy. There was still time. "He'll be around all day tomorrow, so I'll ask him again."

"M'kay." Sirius retreated from the office, leaving the door open in his wake. Lily rolled her eyes at his back, irritated by his obvious annoyance. She glanced at the clock and heaved a sigh. James still had a few hours of leisure before she started to truly worry about him. She had a few hours before she could relax completely. Lily fidgeted in place for a minute, trying to go back to her reading. But she was distracted, wishing she'd asked James to send her a patronus when his mission was over and he was out with Frank. She couldn't sit still.

She went to the kitchen, half-thinking about fixing up a proper meal. Sirius had beat her to it, though. He flit around the kitchen, oblivious to her lingering in the doorway. But his gaze went to the far door every few seconds, and his movements were somewhat frantic. Lily chewed on her fingernail, wondering if he knew something she didn't. Was James in trouble? The front door opened as if on cue, and Sirius abandoned the meal without a thought.

"Moony?" He called, ducking from the kitchen.

"Hey." Remus answered, voice laced with fatigue. She went to the stove, watching over the simmering pots with her ear cocked towards the hallway. She'd lose every bit of her sanity if they started fighting again.

"Where have you been?" Sirius demanded. "You didn't come home last night."

"I'm undercover, Padfoot. It'd look mighty odd if I were sending patronuses."

"But—"

"Lay off, would you?" Impatience crept into Remus' voice. "I told you I'd be gone. The others barely trust me as it is with me coming home every day. The poisoning story is thin as shite, and it's completely obvious I'm getting better and shouldn't be needing to run off for medical care anymore. It really would make more sense for me to just move to their hovel."

"Would it?" Sirius growled.

"Don't look at me like that! I'm doing this on Dumbledore's orders, remember?"

"So you say."

" _Sirius!_ " Lily frowned, twisting away from the stove. What was Sirius on about? A slamming door was her only answer. She heaved a sigh, turning all the burners off and leaving the meal half-cooked. A glance through the front window confirmed her suspicions. Sirius sped off on his bike, going far too fast for comfort. Upstairs a door slammed, indicating that Remus was now hidden away in the shared bedroom. _And the nursery is still shambles._

Lily blew out a breath. Having Sirius and Remus share a room simply wasn't working. She glanced around the upper level of the house, like another room would mysteriously appear if she looked hard enough. _We have to have the nursery up here._ She peeked into the half-finished room, unwilling to give it up. The base problem was the house only having three bedrooms—not an issue when it was just the four of them needing three rooms. A major issue now was that they had a baby on the way and a father determined to not decorate their own bedroom with a crib. Lily stomped downstairs, prowling for a room that could be converted into a fourth bedroom. Sirius and Remus would argue less if they weren't forced to live on top of each other with schedules that didn't mesh.

Lily found herself standing in the doorway to her office, staring at the space she'd claimed for herself from the very beginning. She spent the majority of her days in this room when she wasn't at St. Mungo's. It was her only refuge now that she wasn't allowed in Hell's Corner. _Bugger it all._ With a scowl, Lily shrank her desk and lifted the miniature version. With books floating along in a row behind her, she tromped up to their bedroom, hoping James wouldn't mind a bit of redecorating. It took three trips to empty out the office, and she left everything piled haphazardly on the floor. Then Lily stalked over to the shared bedroom and knocked as politely as she could manage.

"Bugger off!" Remus growled.

"Open up." She demanded. "It's me."

"I just want _sleep_." He groaned, wrenching the door open. "Is that too much to ask for?"

"Do you want to be upstairs or down?" Lily asked, crossing her arms over her burgeoning belly.

"What?" Remus rocked back on his heels, confused.

"I'm tired of listening to you and Sirius fight." She snapped. "So I'm separating the pair of you. Do you want this room or a bedroom downstairs?"

"We don't have a bedroom downstairs." He said blankly.

"We do now." She glared at him, daring him to defy her. "Pick a room, Lupin."

"Downstairs." He answered meekly. "Sirius wants to be near the baby…"

"He'll regret that." Lily snorted, wasting not a minute in charming Remus' things to follow her. He dodged out of the way of his bed, gaping at her back as she made her way back downstairs. She set up the bed with a few flicks of her wand, dropping the rest of what followed in a haphazard pile on the floor. She turned to return for more and nearly ran into Remus.

"This is your office."

"Now it's your bedroom." Lily said stiffly. "You can manage the rest of it, right?" She didn't wait for an answer, stepping around him to huff back up the stairs. Her back was starting to ache. She muttered rude words under her breath as she directed furniture around the master bedroom, trying to make her desk fit. Why did two people need so much furniture? It just would _not_ fit. With a snarled curse, Lily threw it all in the nursery and slammed the door. She'd deal with it later.

"Lily?" Sirius asked timidly from behind her.

" _What?_ "

"There's a bed in your office."

"It's for Remus." She informed him coolly.

"He told me." Sirius said warily. "You didn't have to—"

"I don't want to listen to you two shouting anymore." She interrupted. "And since James and I commandeered your bedroom, it's only fair. If you'd rather have the other room, then you may discuss it politely with Remus."

"Erm, no." He ruffled his hair. "We're fine, Lils. Promise. We can share a room if—"

"It's done." Lily snapped. "If you're feeling that guilty about it, I'm in the market for a massage." She stormed back downstairs to wait for James. Remus was perched on the armchair like he was waiting for further scolding. Lily flopped down on the couch and glowered at him. Tense silence circled the room as Sirius joined them and hovered near the staircase.

"We are sorry." Sirius offered tentatively.

"Very sorry." Remus seconded.

"Yeah, yeah." Lily sighed, shifting in an attempt to get comfortable.

"Massage?" Sirius wondered, cocking his head to the side.

"James'll be back soon."

"Yeah, but we owe you now." He frowned. "Sort of, I mean."

"I'll call in a favor when the baby's crying in the middle of the night."

"I'm still an awesome masseuse." Sirius informed her, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "And if Prongs has been out drinking with Frank, there's no telling what shape he'll be in when he gets back."

"When who gets back from what?" James asked, rounding the corner. His eyes were bright with happiness and his hair was sticking out in every direction—both indicators that he'd gone flying instead of drinking. "What?"

"You look like an idiot." Sirius said dryly.

"Why is it that every time he's smiling, you tell him he looks like an idiot?" Lily demanded, laughing.

"Because he looks stupid!"

"That's not nice, Sirius."

"You'll never win that one." James told her solemnly, leaning down to kiss her softly. "Hi."

"Hi." She echoed, grinning and running a finger across the stubble on his cheek. "Enjoy your flight?"

"I did." He ran a reverent hand across her belly. "Is there anything to eat? I'm—"

"Shit! The food!" Sirius whirled around, bolting for the kitchen.

"I turned the burners off!" Lily called after him. Undoubtedly, it was all ruined by now, but at least the house hadn't burned down.

"I'll help him." Remus muttered, jumping up to follow.

"You'd better not start a fight, Remus Lupin!"

"Oh, leave them alone." James chided gently. "They've always bickered."

"It's getting worse." She snapped. "And don't even start with me, or I'll get all fired up again."

"Again?"

"I converted the office into a fourth bedroom." Lily informed him. "Remus has claimed it."

"We can always just make an addition." James offered. "I'm sure Arthur knows all sorts of expansion charms. Have you _seen_ their place?"

"Once." She grinned, shaking her head slightly. "I still can't figure out how it's standing. Even with magic that place is terrifying!"

"It's charming."

"It's no cottage by the sea." Lily winked.

"True enough." He kissed her again quickly before rising. "Sure you can make do without it?"

"I'll manage somehow." Lily shrugged. "Besides, it probably won't matter much once the baby's born. I can make due for whatever time remains."

"A month." He reminded her with a smile.

"Or less." She wrinkled her nose. "I've told you plenty that every girl in my family delivers early. Every time."

"They didn't have magic on their side." James shook his head at her. "Trust that Dani knows what she's doing."

"I trust Dani plenty." Lily laughed. "But I also have expectations. Besides, she's even said that I might just be early."

"You are going to wait until the end of next week." He said sternly. "Because that's what I told Moody yesterday. You hear me?" James prodded at her stomach, speaking to the baby inside.

"Ow."

"Sorry."

"You're a dork." She teased.

"And you never talk to him?" He snorted.

"It's not like he can hear." Lily wrinkled her nose like she didn't talk to the baby inside of her routinely. James simply rolled his eyes.

"I've heard you talking to him." He reminded her. "So don't you go playing superior on me."

"I'm just saying he can't be taking orders from you just yet."

"Yeah, yeah." James made a face, holding out his hands to help her from the couch. "You won't be early, Lils."

"We'll see."

"I will be there." He amended. "Promise." Lily grinned, rising on her toes to kiss him. Trusting his promise.

* * *

 _Lily,_

 _I really wish we could talk in person. Having to vent on paper is not as satisfying as raging out loud. Raging to something that only hoots in response is not helpful. Merlin, I'm so ready for this baby to be born! But every day I get a little more scared. Please tell me I'm on the only one realizing how terrible of an idea this was. I'm petrified. What if I'm not a good mother? Frank says I'm crazy, but only a day left before I'm due. Can you believe it? Hope all is well with you. Sorry for rambling about all this again. I'll talk myself out of it sheer panic by the time you're reading this, I'm sure. Has James given up missions yet?_

 _— With much impatience, Alice_

Lily read through the letter twice, grinning to herself. The feeling just never went away.

 _Alice,_

 _You have no idea how relieving it is to know I'm on the only one freaking out. I'm petrified and have more time left than you! You'll be a great mother. I have no doubts, so just listen to Frank and it'll be wonderful. James' last mission is today. He left just a bit ago._

Lily spent a moment staring at the paper, wondering what else to add. She ran a hand over her swollen belly, thinking of the cramps she'd had this morning. Surely it was nothing. Lily bit her lip and scrawled a signature on the bottom of the page. She sent the letter off with Orion, spinning her chair around to regard the nursery. They'd _finally_ gotten everything together last night and had the room set up. Her desk had been stuck amongst the baby furniture as an afterthought. Nervous anticipation fluttered in her stomach as she stared at the crib. Soon. Very soon. She was restless. Today more than ever, she wanted James home on time and in one piece. Then she'd know he'd be with her when the baby came. She prowled around the nursery for a minute before hearing a faint knock and the sounds of someone going to answer the door.

"Wormtail!" Sirius' delighted greeting floated up the stairs, though Peter's response was muffled. Lily grinned, waddling down to meet him.

" _—_ than ever my friend!" Peter was laughing joyfully, sounding much better than he had the last few times Lily had spoken with him. "And Lils! Merlin, you've gotten big." His eyes were very round as he stared at her.

"Gee thanks, Pete." She rolled her eyes playfully.

"I'm sorry, I just…" He laughed self-consciously.

"Everyone says it." Lily squeezed him tightly. "And I certainly know it! But how are you? You sound better."

"It's good. Things are good." Peter grinned. "Mum walked from the bedroom to the couch all on her own yesterday."

"That's wonderful!"

"I feel better about leaving her now." The relief on his face was evident. "I think we've finally figured out which potion helps her the best."

"That's awesome, mate." Sirius clapped his shoulder, beaming. "Come in, damn it. Why are we standing in the doorway?"

"Language, Black."

"Oh, come on, Lily!"

"I won't have my baby spouting out a curse as his first word!"

"I have a gift." Peter interjected before they could get too caught up in arguing. "Outside."

"Gift?" Lily cocked her head to the side. "For who? Did I miss someone's birthday?"

"For you." He laughed. "Well, more like for the baby, but same difference right now, right?"

"Me?" She repeated blankly, following him out the front door. There in her lawn was a little baby-stroller, well-stocked with pillows and blankets and all manner of random odds and ends a newborn might like. "Oh, Peter!"

"I asked mum in one of her better moments what you might need." He muttered, flushing with embarrassment. "Couldn't make up my mind and didn't know what you already had—"

"You're so sweet." Lily engulfed him in a hug, trying desperately not to burst into tears. Pregnancy made her emotions go all haywire, and gratitude could prompt tears these days. Peter laughed nervously, patting her back. "Merlin, what all did you bring?" She went to investigate the stroller. Beneath the assortment of pillows were pacifiers, more diapers, a baby rattle, and bottles.

"You're outshining me." Sirius grumbled from the porch.

"Oh, you know…life goals." Peter winked broadly, and laughed when Sirius continued to grouch.

"Thank you, so much."

"Of course." He grinned. "Where's James at?"

"Mission." Lily answered as Peter's grin faltered. "His last before the baby's born."

"I thought two days ago was his last."

"It was never really set in stone." She shrugged, pushing back to her feet with a grunt. "He'll be done today, though. For sure." She'd hex him to next week if he tried to sneak out on another. Lily glanced towards the street reflexively. Of course, James wasn't there, but a girl could hope. Peter was frowning, also looking towards the street.

"What was his mission?"

"Stake-out." Lily shrugged. "Guarding a Ministry employee."

"Oh." Peter relaxed a great deal. "I thought you guys did mostly offensive stuff."

" _We_ did a lot of it, but James has mostly been staking out places. A few scuffles here and there, but definitely easier than what Dumbledore had us doing."

"Makes sense." He nodded. "I didn't realize."

"I don't think Moody's been too thrilled with him and Frank taking a back seat; but they weren't willing to be too risky with Alice and I being pregnant."

"I would hope not." Peter grumbled, shaking his head.

"Enough." Sirius snapped impatiently. "No war talk around the baby."

" _Sirius._ "

"No war talk around me." He amended. "It's my day off! I'll be faced with enough hell tomorrow that I don't really want to think about any of it. I'm starving. Are either of you hungry?"

"Famished." Peter seconded, mood lightening right back up. He followed Sirius into the house, though Lily lingered on the front steps, staring at the stroller. It was there again, the realization that this baby wasn't going to be inside her for much longer. He wouldn't be as protected out in the wide, cold world as he was now. She heaved a sigh, whispering another protective enchantment around the house. _Layers._ Layers of spells would keep her baby safe until he was ready to face the world.

Lily went inside to find Peter and Sirius making an absolute mess of her kitchen. They threw taunts back and forth, playful enough to lack any sort of malice. Lily laughed, putting all her worries to the side and enjoying their fun. She forgot to keep an eye on the clock as the day progressed, caught up in the banter and stories they were telling.

Her awareness of time came as shadows grew in the house. She was turning on lights when it occurred to her what the shadows meant. Lily glanced out the windows, finding the sun slipping beneath the horizon. Surely she hadn't gotten so focused on the banter to have missed James' return entirely. He was good at sneaking in without a sound, but he always announced himself eventually. She blinked a few times, telling herself not to panic.

"What?" Sirius asked, question laced with worry. Peter swallowed his laugh, twisting around to look at her. She wondered what her face looked like.

"James isn't back yet."

"What time was he supposed to be here?" Sirius frowned. "He's usually late, and I mean—"

"Two." She answered, looking at the clock involuntarily. All three of them did. It was almost eight o'clock. Much, much too late. Sirius went very pale.

"He didn't say he was doing something after? Like Frank did…?"

"No." Lily whispered numbly.

"I'll send a patronus—"

"No!" She cried, heart leaping to her throat. "What if he's in danger? You'd expose him!"

"Fuck."

"Moody!" Peter grabbed Sirius' arm. "Send a message to Moody. Maybe he knows something."

"Right." Sirius wasted not a moment. Lily stared at the glowing dog, wondering how Sirius managed to dredge up a happy enough thought to conjure a patronus. _It's not the end of the world._ She collapsed on the couch, pressing her hands to her face. _Maybe it's something innocent. He went out and just forgot to send a patronus._ She'd be utterly furious if he'd been so careless, but it was better than the most likely alternative. That something had happened to him on his mission when she hadn't been there to guard his back.

They waited for Moody's response with varying degrees of patience. Sirius couldn't sit still, prowling around the house like he could find James hidden in the woodwork. Peter worried a fingernail and kept going to the kitchen and returning with some small morsel of food to nibble on. For her part, Lily could only sit in frozen horror, desperately trying to not think of worst-case scenarios, but instead remembering real-life catastrophes. Her time captive. The fiasco at the Lestrange house. The cave beneath Nott Manor.

Her baby kicked inside of her, more real than ever.

A glowing, white lynx flowed through the wall, landing in front of her. Lily stared at Moody's patronus, heart plummeting before it even started speaking.

" _Potter and Dearborn missed their rendezvous. Stay where you are. We will find him._ " The patronus dissolved into nothing, leaving terrible silence in its wake. Lily stared at the floor, horror pulsing through her in an uneven tempo.

"It's okay." Sirius muttered under his breath. "They got lost."

"They were watching a fucking _house_ , Sirius!" Lily shouted, voice coming out like a whip. "How the bloody hell do you get _lost_ guarding a fu—"

"Lily just _shut up!_ " Sirius roared, eyes flashing dangerously. "He's _fine._ "

"Don't lie to yourself! And certainly don't think I'll buy into that bullshit for one damn minute! I—"

A second patronus interrupted the brewing fight. _"Dearborn is dead._ " Moody's voice said coolly. Detached. Like the death of his partner meant nothing to the nature of James' safety. _"Potter is missing._ "

"Missing." Now she was numb. The word left her mouth without conscious prompting. She buckled, curling around the life inside of her. Their baby. They'd joked about her raising their son alone. It wasn't a joke anymore. It was all so incredibly real it was painful. Agonizing. She rose woodenly, wand clutched tightly in her hand. She'd sacrifice everything to save James. Was it luck or a mistake that he kept her informed of his missions? She would not see him laced with the scars that still kept her up at night. She would not leave James to suffer alone.

Then Sirius was in front of her, grabbing her shoulders, and pushing her back towards the house.

"Go inside, Lily."

"No." She knew what it felt like to be held captive and tortured. She would not allow it to happen to James.

"Think of the baby." Sirius pressed, eyes bright with a touch of insanity.

"James could be _dying!_ " She shrieked, lashing out at him. He caught her wrists easily. "He could be captive! They could be _torturing him!_ I can't just sit aside and do _nothing_. I know what that feels like! You can't expect—"

"Lily, you have to!" He hissed, practically lifting her back up the stairs. Remus helped from behind her. She'd forgotten he was home today. "You have to protect his child."

"I will _not_ just sit on the couch while James is in danger!"

" _You are a liability!_ " Sirius shouted, shoving her back. "Lily, you are eight months pregnant. You can't go out there and risk your life and your baby's life. You'd only get in the way." It hurt. His words, no matter how true, hurt more than anything he'd ever said to her before. "I will find him." Sirius' voice cracked just a little. His grip on her was bruising. "I swear to you, Lily. I will find him and bring him back alive."

"Sirius, I have to…" She couldn't see through her tears. If James died and left her alone to raise their child… She couldn't even finish the thought.

"I will bring him back to you." Sirius gathered her as close as her burgeoning belly would allow. "I swear it, Lily Potter. I will bring him back alive or die trying." He pushed her back. "Peter will stay with you. Won't you, Pete?"

"Of course." He was at her side in a moment, concern written over his face.

"He's going to be fine." Sirius met her eyes.

"If he dies, I'll kill you." Lily threatened, fear burning through her.

"I'll deserve it." He said solemnly.

"Here." Remus pressed a mirror in her hands. "We have the other. We'll keep you posted, okay?" She couldn't bring herself to speak. All she wanted to do was scream at them for how unfair it all was. But they were wasting precious time. And then Sirius and Remus were gone, running flat out down the street to the apparation point. They knew where to go. There weren't secrets in the house. Lily choked on a sob, hating how helpless she felt. Even if she had the presence of mind to argue more, Sirius was absolutely right. She'd only get in the way.

"Come on, Lils." Peter guided her back inside, leaving her to curl up on the couch alone. He went banging around in the kitchen, and she sincerely hoped he didn't think she wanted food right now. He returned after a few minutes, when her tears had dried to disconnected numbness, armed with a cup of tea. She accepted it, unable to muster up a smile or a thanks. She stared vacantly at the floor.

 _Come back to me, James._

What would she do if he didn't return?


	38. A Light in the Darkness

Waiting was intolerable. Silence stretched and chased around the house. Peter couldn't sit still. He was up and down from the couch every few minutes, pacing to other rooms but never staying away for long. Sometimes he returned with something in his hands. Most times, he returned empty-handed. She could see it in his face—the agony of being useless. Had it hurt him that Sirius obviously hadn't intended for him to join the hunt? Did it even matter?

Lily sat on the couch, frozen in place. If she moved, she'd lose her mind. If she dared to leave her perch on the couch, she'd stun Peter and go hunting her husband. Fear tore her to pieces inside. What if James was hurt? What if he, too, was dead? Were they hunting a body? Was he only injured? Lily hoped he was only injured. She wasn't the fool to waste time hoping he wasn't hurt at all. If Dearborn was dead, James would at least be hurt. He wouldn't lose his partner without a fight.

"Lily?" Sirius' voice came from the mirror. She snatched it from the table in one lightening-fast movement. "Are you in the house?"

"Yes." She breathed. "Have you found him?"

"Not yet." His expression was drawn and worried. "It looks like an ambush." _Merlin._ She shivered all over. "We're trying to make heads or tails of the footprints, but we're not having much luck yet. Lesteron is on his way. He's bloody fantastic at tracking."

"Sirius..." Her voice was weak.

"Moody's calling in everybody, Lils. We're going to find him. There isn't a lot of blood around the place, so I doubt Prongs is all that hurt. We've found some Death Eaters—bodies, I mean. They aren't still kicking. It looks like Dearborn put up quite a fight. He certainly didn't sell Prongs out, so—"

"Sirius." She said again, cutting him off this time. "Just find him."

"I will." He promised. "We will." His eyes were flinty with purpose. "You stay in the house, you hear me? Peter's still with you, right?"

"I'm here." Peter confirmed, looking over her shoulder.

"Good. You stay with her, you hear me?"

"I will." Peter promised solemnly. "Now find him."

"We'll make contact again soon." Sirius said before the mirror went dark. Lily set it back on the table before she could catch sight of her own reflection. She didn't need to look in a mirror to see the horror in her face. She stayed still on the couch, staring at the floor without seeing it.

Where was James?

 _It looks like an ambush._ She pressed her hands to her face. She remembered that dark night like it was yesterday. Remembered the terror in her gut as Howard broke their cover to confront his once-friend. The flight that followed was such a blur. The horror after was imprinted on her memory in a way she knew she would never forget. She wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy. Would James be forced to live through that hell? Would it be up to her to find him this time? To insist that he was alive beyond every shadow of doubt in order to lead his friends into insanity? He'd done it for her. She'd do it for him, baby or no baby. She refused to lose him.

Five hours passed like five days. Each minute felt longer than the next. A dozen times, Lily considered stunning Peter and running out into the heartless night. She could find James best. Never mind that she had no special way of actually locating him. It didn't matter that she could do no more than Sirius and Remus and the dozen people Moody had out looking for James. She didn't have a homing beacon on her husband. _Love_ would not give her an edge in finding him. A dozen times, Lily shot a grimace at Peter when those thoughts ran through her head. Not that he would know she had them, but she still felt bad for thinking of stunning him.

Every few minutes, Lily considered asking him to run out with her. Surely Peter was itching to be out there looking for James too. It _had_ to eat at him just as much. To be useless and crippled in the house because of her—because of choices she and James had made. Would he take the bait? Would he run out into danger with her to see James safe? She knew he would. But how useful would they be? They'd just get in the way. Sirius would know they weren't in the house the next time he called through the mirror. He'd worry if they didn't answer immediately. He'd get distracted, and then he wouldn't find James.

She rose eventually, tired of being so utterly immobile. Her back and belly ached. Damn the baby for existing in the first place! Almost immediately after she thought it, Lily was sick with guilt. _Merlin, I don't want the baby gone._ She pressed her hands to her face, nearer to tears than she wanted to be. She loved her baby. Down to the very depths of her soul, she loved him. But she couldn't escape the inconvenience. If she weren't pregnant, then she wouldn't be forced to sit around the house while James was in danger. She'd be out there with Sirius looking for him. Lily pointedly ignored the nagging thought that she might be the one dead if she hadn't had this baby to keep her home from the mission in the first place.

Her belly tightened inexplicably. She grumbled to herself, heading for the bathroom. Only as she walked did she notice the wetness in her pants. Lily flushed, shutting the door quickly in her wake. Had Peter noticed? Merlin, what was wrong with her?

"Lils, you in there?" Peter called.

"Yeah." She snapped. "Can't a girl get a minute in peace?"

"Sirius is in the mirror." He told her through the door. "He insisted. You can hear her, right?"

"I want to _see_ her." Sirius' voice demanded, obviously not trusting her to behave. Cheeks still red with embarrassment, Lily wrenched the door open and snatched the mirror from Peter's hand.

"Have you found him?" She growled, already knowing the answer and hating it.

"Not yet."

"Then keep looking."

"Stay in the house!" Sirius insisted, worry plain.

"We will." Lily thrust the mirror back at Peter, shutting the bathroom door in his face. She ignored the muffled sounds of continued conversation, turning her attention back to the cramps in her abdomen and the ruin of her pants. Had she really wet herself and not noticed? What could... " _Peter!_ "

"What?" He crashed right through the door, wand drawn and ready.

"My water broke." She was ashen from the realization. Horrified. Terrified.

"That's not..." Peter blinked at her, blood draining from his face. "No."

"Pete..."

"No. No, no, no." He shook his head like he could deny her impending labor. "You are not allowed to have this baby right now. Merlin, Lily."

" _It's not like it's my bloody choice!_ " She shouted, hands shaking. Panic made her tremble. Where in hell was James?

"James is _missing!_ " Peter cried, throwing his hands up. "Couldn't you just wait a few more bloody hours?"

"Tell that to him!" She shrieked, pointing to her stomach. "Ow."

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." She waved him off. "It's just a cramp."

"Labor." He groaned, pressing his hands to his face. "Hell. Alright. Okay. Let's not panic—"

"I'm panicking."

"Shut up, Lily. Let's not panic. Let's just be rational." Peter's eyes were wild with alarm when he looked at her. "Can you go to St. Mungo's?"

"I'm not allowed to floo." Lily whispered numbly. "Can you drive the bike?"

"Sirius' bike? Hell, he'd kill me." Peter shook his head. "I've never touched the thing."

"Damn." She growled through her teeth as another pang ran across her stomach.

"Was that the plan?"

"More or less." Lily nodded. There hadn't been much of a plan. They still had weeks to figure everything out. Or at least, she thought they'd have weeks to figure all of this out. The damn details. She shivered all over, tears swimming up in her eyes.

"Does it hurt?" Peter wondered, wincing as he asked.

"Not...yet." She turned her back to him. _James, where are you?_ James was supposed to be here with her. He promised he would be by her side when the baby came. "He promised." Tears fell faster down her cheeks. There wasn't a chance in hell at her being able to go after him now. How could she be expected to deliver this baby when James was lost?

"Sirius is going to find him." Peter told her solemnly. "James is going to be just fine."

"You don't know that."

"I do." He insisted, gripping her shoulders tightly. "Just trust me. Prongs is going to be just fine, and you're going to have a beautiful baby here waiting for him. Okay?"

"No." She wilted, wishing she were better able to accept Peter's reassurances. But there were no guarantees. Childbirth was not something that came easily to the women in her family. She'd be lucky to have her baby easily. She'd be _very_ lucky to have him whole and healthy this close to being truly premature.

"I'm going to send a patronus to Frank." Peter told her. "He knows your mediwitch, right? It's the same as Alice."

"Right." Lily agreed hollowly, wincing as her belly tightened again. Peter went out into the hall to perform in the charm. He repeated the incantation several times before the bright light of his patronus light the hallway.

"Lily's in labor!" The edge of panic was back in his voice. He was truly out of his depth with her now. This was never a situation they should have put him in. And not just Peter! It should have been James here with her, frantically trying to reach Dani. It should have been James who helped her to her feet and guided her up to the bedroom. He'd promised.

"Lily?" Frank's shout echoed through the house. Footsteps thumped up the stairs, and he appeared in the bathroom a moment later, panting and looking her over quickly. "Are you alright? Alice has contacted Dani. She's coming to our place and can floo from there to here. She'll know if Alice is safe to travel. Are you okay?"

"Lovely." Lily growled through her teeth. "Just lovely."

"Any word on James?"

"Not yet." Peter answered for her.

"Fantastic." Frank sighed, voice laden with sarcasm. "Well there's nothing for it. They'll find him, Lily. And you'll have a lovely baby in the meantime."

"Didn't believe Peter." Lily sighed. "Not going to believe you."

"I know." He didn't bother smiling. His brow was pulled together and worry shone in his eyes. "But we're going to get through this. I've read twenty books about labor thanks to Alice, so it's all going to be just fine."

"Please stop saying that." She couldn't tolerate it. She didn't want to hear his empty assurances when James' fate was so uncertain. She was sick with worry, and desperately wanted Dani to appear and prevent her labor from happening. Surely the baby would be better if he stayed put for another few days. _Alice_ was the one perfectly to term. Alice should be the one to have her baby today.

Frank continued to prattle on with empty assurances, ordering her and Peter about in order to set the room up for birthing. They _could_ try to move her to St. Mungo's, but Dani's message to Alice indicated that it would be better for both of them to just stay put. Peter rushed around, anxiety making his movements quick and jerky. He fetched everything she needed—a glass of water, a cool washcloth, softer pillows—and stayed very silent. Lily appreciated it much more than Frank's incessant chatter. His words were meant to be soothing—it would all work out in the end, she would see; the calvary was out searching for James, he'd be found in no time; there would be potions for the pain, she'd numb right up.

But Lily didn't want to be soothed. The terrified thoughts running through her head drowned out his empty assurances. Things would _not_ be okay. James was missing. What if Caradoc Dearborn had been the spy? Could he have been so devious to rip James from her right when she needed him most? Was this even when she needed him most? Of all of the times she'd needed his support in the last year and a half, was this really the most pressing? It was only childbirth after all! What more could he do than what Frank was already doing? Would his nonsense reassurances mean more than Frank's? Did it even matter? Her contractions were mild still. There was plenty of time, right?

When it became apparent that Lily would not respond to his confident assurances, Frank lost some of his superiority. He paced around the master bedroom, worrying a fingernail and trading patronuses with his wife in a rapid-fire volley. It bothered Frank to be separated from his wife. _He_ would not get lost on a mission the day Alice went into labor. Most of the patronuses were idle chatter, but Alice sent news to them as well. Dani was trying to get away from St. Mungo's, but it was turning out to be harder than she'd thought. She'd arrive in two hours tops. Lily groaned and shifted as restlessly as Frank paced. She couldn't get comfortable. She couldn't make her thoughts settle. Why must reality keep crashing down around her? She had _months_ to prepare herself mentally for this moment! She knew it was a possibility that James might not return from any mission he went on. Why did she find it so utterly shocking that he might get lost? Why could things never go smoothly for them?

She was several hours into labor when Dani finally arrived, flushed and flustered. She took charge of the room with brisk efficiency, discarding sheets and pillows from the bed. Ordering Lily to be up and moving to help the baby along. She got water tight sheets in place in the process, making sure all the pillows and linens were protected before she allowed Lily to lay back down. With the room better prepared, Dani took stock of the two men hovering awkwardly and scowled.

"Where's James?" She demanded, oblivious to the entirety of the situation. Perhaps the level of annoyance in her voice was warranted. Lily had certainly taken her sweet time in telling him about the pregnancy. But it felt like a dagger being shoved into her chest and twisted. It felt like she shattered. The labor pains had put James' whole situation at one remove. But it could only be temporary relief. She was back to thinking of the million things Voldemort could be doing to her husband, shivering all over. Peter sat beside her, holding her tightly. Frank and Dani were in the hallway. She could hear the low hum of Frank's voice as he told Dani, but couldn't make out the words he used to explain it all. Lily whimpered low in her throat. What did it matter how he said it?

She expected to see it written all over Dani's face when she returned to the bedroom—condemnation, disgust, and disbelief for the choices they made. But the mediwitch was straight-faced and entirely business as she ushered Peter from the room and ordered Lily out of her pants to check on her progress. Though Dani said nothing overtly bad, the look on her face wasn't good when she rose. Lily wasn't dilated as much as she could have been for the amount of time that had passed since her water broke. Lily held her silence, keeping her lips tight around noises of pain. She'd wait for Dani to offer numbing potion rather than request it. If James was out there suffering somewhere, she would suffer too.

Time drug on. With the situation apparently well in hand, Frank returned home to be closer to Alice. He demanded frequent updates, wanting to be kept in the loop both on the hunt for James and on the delivery. Dani paced almost as much as Frank, muttering to herself. The look on her face got progressively worse each time she check on Lily's progress. It was taking forever, and the pain only got worse as the hours dragged on. Peter had taken up a perch in the corner of the room, chewing his nails down to nothing and twitching at every little sound. They were ignoring Sirius' calls through the mirror. Lily wanted him to focus on finding James. He'd only be distracted if he knew she was in labor. He might give up the hunt to be with her since James couldn't be.

A bright patronus appeared in the bedroom—Frank's fox—practically quivering with nervous energy. "Alice is in labor!" Frank's voice cried, edged with a certain panic Lily could relate to. The patronus vanished as Dani started cursing.

"—you two! Merlin's shaggy—well there's nothing for it." She shook her head, hair curling wildly. "You're just going to have to sit tight for me, Potter." Dani ran from the room, clattering loudly down the stairs. "You send word if something changes, Pettigrew!"

"What are the odds, eh?" Peter grinned, patting her shoulder. Lily snarled at him as another contraction tore through her. "Hurts?" His grin faltered.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Who's Sherlock?"

" _Wizards_." She spat as a curse, crying out with another contraction. Peter jumped up to fetch more water, unable to sit still but not knowing what to do. Would James have been the same?

Lily cursed and cried in turn. Dani reappeared for a short moment to check on her progress. She gave Lily the numbing potion and returned to the Longbottom's. Apparently Alice wasn't wasting much time. Lily was green with envy, hating herself for asking Peter for the time. _Twelve hours_. Twelve hours to be dilated less than halfway.

Everything hurt, even with the numbing effects of the potion. Lily was aware of the ache with each contraction. But the loss of acute pain only made her more aware of James' absence. Was he in a dungeon somewhere? Would he be tortured as she had been? What new curses had Bellatrix Lestrange come up with since Lily was captive? What she wouldn't give to ensure James never knew that kind of pain!

Time was passing with agonizing slowness. She just wanted the baby _out_. Dani was never around for more than five minutes at a time, and it had been quite a while since she'd been back. Lily was left to cry and scream alone. The effects of two numbing potions wasn't nearly enough. Bellatrix wasn't nearly as bad as trying to get this baby out of her! Why must she take after her mother in this way? It couldn't be next to impossible for her to get pregnant. No, that would have been much too convenient. She had to take the bad side of her mother's pregnancies—early and incredibly difficult deliveries. She just wanted to sleep—to pass into dark oblivion where fear and pain couldn't find her. Her eyes kept closing against her will as her body produced contraction after contraction. Why did nothing happen?

Angry voices came from downstairs. The low hum of masculine outrage permeated the walls. The words were drowned out by the thump of footsteps up the stairs.

"—know what to do!" Peter's wail came through the roaring in her ears first.

"Where in the bloody hell is the mediwitch?" A voice spat in response.

Hands touched her, dragging over her face and hair. Her eyes fluttered open to find worried hazel eyes framed in muddy glasses looking down at her. _James._

"—bloody, stinking patronus, you ruddy little idiot—"

Her hand shook as she tried to lift it from the bed to touch his cheek.

"—not my damn fault—"

"—on the way—"

His chin was scratchy with stubble. Blood matted his hair down around his face. The lens over his right eye was fractured, barely staying within the frame.

"This isn't real." Her voice was barely a whisper. Her throat was too raw for words.

"It's not." Her hallucination agreed, lips pressed against her forehead. "None of this is."

"Oh my great sog—"

"—get him—"

"Here take these."

"—you go getting a peak now—"

Lily was only vaguely aware of the conversations happening around her. She clung to the warmth of her imaginary James, comforted by his presence. Every once in a while her hallucinations came back. Usually as vivid dreams, but she wasn't displeased to have such a real one now. She'd have sworn the stubble beneath her finger was real. His kiss had felt real.

But now he was gone again. Peter was propping her up, putting a potion to her lips. It wasn't any different than what he'd done over the course of the last several hours. Lily drank obediently. Peter set her back on the pillows, scurrying off to some imagined task. Then Dani was there, face a mask of concentration. She was speaking, gaze flicking to a fragment of the hallucination that looked like Sirius. _Was_ he real? He couldn't be, because James wasn't here.

"Come on, Lily." Dani growled, wand moving in a complicated pattern over her stomach. "Don't make me do something drastic in your bedroom, got it?"

"M'kay."

"Ready when you are, girl. Push for me." It was too hard. The pain was blinding. "On the count of three, Lily. One, two, _three!"_ Lily pushed as much as she was able, crying out in the process. Dani chanted her encouragement again and again. "One more time!" It felt like every muscle in her body clenched. She would have screamed, but her lungs were too tight. Then the unbearable pressure was gone. She drug air into tired lungs.

"He's not crying." That was definitely Sirius.

"It's okay." Dani said soothingly. "Give him a minute." Lily groaned under her breath, muscles quivering still. A baby's wail drowned out her groan, and cut off every bit of coherent thought. Her eyes flew open, but her limbs wouldn't cooperate. Dani was up and off the bed, taking the baby over to the dresser. Lily growled weakly, fighting to get better oriented to the room.

"Is he...?" Sirius launched from the bed, hovering over Dani's shoulder.

"He's all healthy." Dani said softly. "Aren't you, little one?" In short order, Dani returned to the side of the bed. She lowered the baby into Lily's arms, already bundled expertly into a blanket. Tears gathered in Lily's eyes and spilled over.

"Hi." She whispered to the baby, heart squeezing. Everything about him was so utterly tiny and so completely precious. She trembled just holding him, overwhelmed by love that was so sudden and so all-encompassing that she could hardly process it. _This_ was unconditional. This was a feeling that defied explanation.

"—better?"

"Yeah."

"Let me take a look at you."

"But—"

"You've put the poor girl through enough." Dani said reprovingly. "Sit down and let me be sure." Lily could hardly stand to take her eyes from her baby. But James wasn't here, and a piece of her was dying inside because of his absence. But if Sirius was here...

She looked towards the en suite, finding a cluster of bodies around a chair. Remus and Peter stood beside it—Remus was dripping wet and covered in mud. Seated in the chair was James, looking ragged and only moderately better than her hallucination made him out to be. Dani leaned over him, prodding him with her wand in search of injury or curse. Her gaze went back to the infant in her arms before she drug it up to the man seated beside her.

"Is this real?" She breathed.

"It's real." Sirius assured her, awe shining in his eyes. "I told you I'd bring him back."

"But..."

"He's a little banged up." Sirius said, unable to look away from the baby in her arms. "Got some sort of poison that scattered his wits a bit and lost a good bit of blood. We'd have taken him straight to St. Mungo's, but you stopped answering the mirror. We thought..." He choked off, and Lily had to force herself to look at him again. "Don't you ever scare me like that again, got it?"

"I won't." She promised.

"Also...no more babies for you."

"M'kay."

"You look like hell."

"Just what every new mother wants to hear, Sirius." Lily sighed, feeling greatly daring as she ran a trembling finger across her baby's cheek. "You're so beautiful." She whispered to him, heart threatening to burst all over again.

"Don't scare me like that again." This time, she ignored him, too absorbed in the life in her arms to care.

"Leave off, Pads." Remus murmured, tapping his shoulder.

"Alright, alright." Sirius squeezed her shoulder gently before rising. The room became significantly emptier a moment later, but still Lily couldn't really drag her gaze from the baby in her arms.

"You'll want to feed him." Dani told her softly. "Should be pretty natural. The hardest thing to do is get him to latch properly." With some gentle maneuvering and a tremendous loss of personal boundaries, they were situated. Dani was right. It was completely natural. The baby latched onto her breast without a beat of hesitation. Lily made a small, strangled noise in the back of her throat, because it was just too precious for words. She blinked past tears, listening as best she could to the next steps. The only thing she really understood was that sleep was the next step, and James was now beside her, as breathless as she as he took in their baby.

Then they were alone together. They sat in silence unbroken except for the sound of their breathing and the baby's suckling. She snuggled under his arm, tension finally leaving her completely as his fingers combed through her hair.

"I'm so sorry." He mumbled against her temple. "So sorry."

"You're here now." He was very real beside her. Dani didn't know of her history of hallucinations. She'd have spoken up if this James was just a figment of her imagination.

"I love you, Lily." James whispered. "So so so much."

"Look at what we did, James." She breathed. "Look at what we made." He was, she knew. He was wrapped around them both, gaze on their baby even though he directed his words at her.

"I love you." He repeated, because there was hardly anything else worth saying.

"I love you, too." Lily murmured, relaxing into his side. "And I love you, my little one. More than life itself." The baby detached from her breast and squirmed a bit in his blanket. Lily bit her lip, trying desperately not to clutch at him.

"I will not drop you." She muttered, more for her own benefit than the baby's. James snorted beside her.

"Stay in the moment for just a bit longer." He teased, kissing her temple. "Panic about our inadequacy later."

"I've got this." The baby yawned widely before going promptly to sleep. Lily bit her lip to keep from squealing because it was possibly the cutest thing she'd ever seen.

"I'm in love." James mumbled, arm tight around her. "Sorry, Lils, but you've got some competition."

"That's okay, because you just lost." She snuggled deeper against him. "Epically."

"I think I can live with that."

"Should've thought of names for you, little bugger." She touched her finger to the baby's nose. It was so tiny. He was so tiny.

"Tomorrow." James told her. "Sleep, love, before our little baby forgets how." Lily laughed weakly, trying not to be loud. It was hard to leave her arms loose around her baby—to let him sleep undisturbed when the world outside seemed so dark. She wanted to hold him tight and never let go. She understood then, why so many were so inspired by her pregnancy. She would do anything to make the world a better place for him, so that he wouldn't know the struggles she'd been through. So his life would be as carefree as hers had been before this war started.

* * *

Lily woke curled around James, exactly as she'd been when they fell asleep. He was still out, snoring softly with his glasses askew and still broken. She grinned, tracing the line of his jaw. He was very real beside her. _Safe_. And though he might have panicked her into labor, at least he was here now and perfectly safe. She flew up with a gasp, looking around wildly. Where was the baby? She stumbled to her feet, leaving James still snoring on the bed.

She rushed from the room, half panicked. Lily slid to a stop outside the nursery, gaping and forgetting all about her panic. Sirius was walking slow circles around the room, her baby held securely in his arms. He cooed softly, won over as completely as she and James had been. Lily swallowed back a smile, leaning against the doorframe.

"Morning, momma." Sirius said, casting a grin at her.

"Morning."

"Want him back?"

"Please?" Lily half-expected him to run off with her baby, though Sirius eased him into her outstretched arms without pausing for a beat. "Hi, beautiful." She murmured to the sleeping infant.

"He's a little hairy." Sirius teased, touching the wisps of black hair on the baby's head. "Takes after his dad, I think."

"I am in so much trouble." Lily whispered to her baby, wandering over to the rocking chair. "So, so much trouble."

"Full disclosure, I touched your breast." Sirius told her from the doorway.

"Excuse me?"

"He was hungry and crying. Not my fault you're food." He winked at her before ducking from the nursery. Lily scowled at his back briefly before turning her attention back to the baby in her arms.

"Hairy, indeed." She muttered, running a gentle hand across his head. "You look like your daddy, you know." The baby yawned, squirming as he woke. He blinked at her with incredibly green eyes. _My eyes._ Lily grinned, delighted. Perhaps she wasn't doomed to a mini-James. "Hairy, hairy Potter." She teased the baby, bouncing him gently. He squealed happily. She giggled with him. "Hairy, hairy Potter." She glanced up to find James in the doorway. He watched them with a slight smile, eyes soft and full of love.

"Tormenting him already, are you?"

"He'll never know." Lily grinned, rising to wander over to her husband. "Didn't you read the part where kids don't start forming memories until they're three years old?"

"No one ever told me that." James laughed. "Dad took me to a show when I was about a year old. I remember the lights."

"We're so screwed."

"Just don't call him hairy." He winked.

"Or we could just name him Harry." Lily shrugged. "Then he won't know the difference, right?"

"Cruel and unusual punishment, don't you think?"

"I think it's a good name."

"You want to call him Harry based off some jerk comment Sirius made?" James snorted, one eyebrow raised.

"Harry James Potter." The other eyebrow rose. "Has a good ring to it, don't you think?"

"Harry." James repeated skeptically.

"Harry Potter." Lily nodded slowly, tapping her baby's nose again. He promptly started crying. She winced. James stayed with her while she went through a mental myriad of reasons why her baby might be crying. She changed his diaper, though it wasn't even dirty and didn't stop his crying. He wasn't interested in nursing, so she tried rocking him. "What else can babies want?" She grumbled.

"I'll take him." James offered, and Lily was ridiculously interested in dumping the now-screaming infant into her husband's arms. Much to her disgust, he shut up the moment James started rocking him.

"Traitor." She muttered, propping her hands on her hips. James shot her a wink, smirking. So she abandoned them both in favor of a shower.

The baby was wailing again by the time she was done. James was no longer smug when she found him. He seemed to be mostly at a loss of what to do, though this time, the baby was very interested in breakfast. Lily heaved a sigh, meeting James' eyes worriedly. Were they ready for this? She settled in the rocking chair again.

"What happened to you?" Lily asked, hoping the question was devoid of accusation.

"Ambush." He answered with a slight shrug. "It was..." He shifted in place. "I take back everything bad I ever said about Dearborn."

"That bad?" Her grip on the baby tightened.

"He saved my life." James told her, gaze firmly on the wall. "I should've..." Lily didn't trust herself to speak. She let the silence hang in the air, worrying her lip between her teeth. "They ended up blasting me into a ditch. I was out of sight for just long enough." He paused again. "I was lucky."

"James." She prompted, unwilling to accept that as an explanation.

"I'm lucky I have Moony as a friend." He sighed, ruffling his hair.

"Oh?"

"No one outside of this house knows I'm an animagus." James shrugged. "They had some sort of powder I'd inhaled, but I had enough presence of mind to transform. Staggered about as a deer until Padfoot recognized me. They got me to transform back, and brought me here. Didn't know why until Remus forced me to drink one of your potions and we found you in labor. Truth, I didn't really understand what was going on until about halfway through them showering me off."

"If you weren't an animagus...?" Lily dared to wonder.

"I'd be captive or dead." The statement hung in the air, heavy and irrefutable. Beneath it was the knowledge of how close she'd come to actually losing him. Her heart twisted uncomfortably in her chest.

"Don't do it again." She managed, trying to make her voice firm.

"Won't." He leaned down to give her a soft kiss. "Promise."

"Good." She nodded decisively, deciding in an instant that it wasn't worth prying after more details or shouting at him for the risk he'd taken. Their baby was asleep in her arms, content as content could be. James would have to give report to the Order, but she wouldn't ever have to open her mouth to warn him off future missions. She could see it in every inch of him. James had learned his lesson. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Lily rose to lay their baby down in the crib, chewing on her lip as she examined him again. James stood behind her, chin resting on her shoulder.

"You done good, Lils."

"I think that was the easy part." She laughed softly, leaning back against him. "I've no clue what I'm doing now."

"Like anyone except Molly Weasley ever actually knows what they're doing when it comes to raising children." James snorted, pressing a kiss to her temple. "We've got this, Lils."

"If you say so." She muttered dubiously as the baby started fussing again.

"It'll get better." He lifted him from the crib. "Won't it, Harry?"

"Are we really naming him Harry?" She couldn't look _too_ cross-eyed over it considering it was her suggestion initially, but Lily had really been thinking of more interesting names for her child. Harry seemed so…normal.

"Why not?" James grinned at her. "I like it. You're gonna do great things, aren't you little man?"

"Let him sleep, James." Lily chided.

"I'm having fun."

"Babies require sleep." Still, he danced around the room with Harry in his arms.

"I'm working on putting him to sleep." James informed her.

"Well when he's screaming in the middle of the night because he can't fall asleep without being in someone's arms, you're going to be the one staying up with him." Lily threatened, sweeping from the nursery to seek out food. Surely James was starving too.

Sirius and Remus were conspicuously absent, which either meant they were—for once—being utterly mature and giving her and James space. _Or_ they were planning an epic prank to welcome James into his new fatherhood. She was desperately hoping for the former. If nothing else, she hoped to not get caught in the crossfire.

Lily kept an ear cocked towards the stairs as she pulled together an easy breakfast. It would take her less than a minute to get from the kitchen to the nursery if Harry started crying, but she was still anxious to be so far from him. What if James forgot to support his head? Or dropped him? Or entrusted her baby to Sirius? She took her breakfast upstairs, surprised to find Harry fast asleep. Somehow less surprising was James sprawled over the rocking chair, also sound asleep. She wished she had a camera, wanting to capture the moment with her husband and son passed out together.

"Pst! _"_ Sirius appeared behind her, camera in hand. "Wait!" He cried as softly as he could, snapping a dozen pictures in rapid succession.

"How long have you had that?" Lily wondered.

"Since your wedding." He informed her. "I have lots of pictures."

"Blackmail?"

"A few." Sirius winked broadly. "I wouldn't be a Marauder if I didn't have at least _some_ blackmail."

"True enough, I guess." Lily laughed, moving to lift Harry from James' arms. She cuddled her son, only belatedly remembering Sirius and the camera. "Oi!"

"Oh come on. I had a perfect shot."

"Mmf?" James woke, gazing around groggily.

"Morning sunshine." Sirius teased, taking a photo of him. James made a rude gesture in response and she returned Harry to his crib.

"I'm outnumbered." She grumbled to herself. "This is ridiculous. I just had to invite more boys into the house." She braced her elbows on the side of the crib, breakfast forgotten. She grinned at Harry—she couldn't help it—thinking that even if she was drastically outnumbered, she wouldn't trade him for the world.

"Lily, I'd eat before Sirius does that for you."

"Hey!" She whirled around, wand drawn. Sirius backed away from the tray guiltily, holding his hands up in surrender. "My food."

"Alright, alright. Yeesh." Lily shot James a wink that Sirius couldn't see. He smirked back, helping himself to the second plate. "Have you named the little bugger?"

"We're going to call him Harry."

"That's a bad joke."

"It's not a joke." Lily smiled broadly as Sirius gaped at her.

"Can you just _imagine_ the jokes he's going to get? Merlin, woman, have a bit of decency!"

"He never needs to know the origin." Her grin was wicked. "But it's set in stone." She paused, glancing at James. "Sort of. There's paperwork, isn't there?"

"Dani'll bring it by, I'm sure." James shrugged. "She's due to stop by sometime today."

"Useful woman, she is." Lily sighed with relief.

"Am I the only one that sees a problem with naming your kid after an adjective?" Sirius demanded, arms crossed as he stood protectively in front of the crib. "I'm just trying to help a brother out, you know."

"His name is Harry James." Lily informed him with every bit of finality she could muster. "And you can accept it quietly _or_ I will make Remus his godfather instead of you."

"What?" Sirius sagged, arms dropping to his sides.

"You will be his godfather, won't you?"

"Mate…" He looked at James for confirmation, flabbergasted.

"You're the reason it worked." James said quietly. "He wouldn't be here without everything you've done for us. There's not anyone else I'd trust to take care of him if the worst should happen."

"So." Lily crossed her arms, bestowing a stern stare on Sirius to try to keep him from bawling. "Harry James, or should I go talk to Remus?"

"Harry it is." Sirius beamed, bounding across the room to grab both of them in a tight hug. "I'm going to—"

" _Not_ make my son into a mini you." Lily interrupted fiercely. "Got it?"

"Fine, fine." Sirius waved her off, running from the room, shouting for Remus.

"A large child is going to be responsible for my small child." She muttered under her breath. "This was your idea, right?"

"You said it first." James reminded her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Though I thought of it almost as soon as you said you were pregnant, so I guess it was my idea."

"You're a terrible influence."

"You know you love me."

"Yeah." She grinned, looking up at him. "That I do." She kissed him softly, glad to have him at her side. Motherhood was much less fearful when she had James around to clean up the messes she'd make along the way.


	39. Moments

"You've done this once before." Lily muttered to herself, staring down at the squalling infant on the changing table. His diaper was stinky, and she had a dark feeling about what she'd find within it.

"He probably needs his diaper changed." Sirius informed her rather pompously from the doorway.

"Really?" She snorted. "Never would've guessed it, Black." She made a face at him before turning determinedly back to Harry. Someday she wouldn't think twice about wiping poop from his bottom. She blew out a breath. Merlin, it was gross just thinking about it.

"Didn't you practice?"

"Beg pardon?" She swiveled to stare at him. "How exactly do you _practice_ without a baby?"

"Someone has to be prepared." Sirius informed her rather smugly, all but shoving her out of his way. Lily gave ground, too startled to do otherwise. "After all, we had nine months to prepare for this, you know."

"Eight." Lily crossed her arms, watching as he began to change the diaper for her. "You're mental." James had bolted once Harry's diaper started to smell. Anyone sane would pass the task onto someone else, right? Or rather, pass it off to her, the mother. She'd only needed another moment to brace herself for the mess—and it really was quite a mess, no wonder the poor thing was crying so loud—before she'd have been able to do exactly as Sirius was doing.

"It's like this, dear girl," Sirius was saying with patronizing condescendence, taking his sweet time wiping Harry's bottom. "You remove the diaper and clean him all up—" Lily tried very hard not to listen to him. It was much, much too tempting to hex him. She didn't want to set a bad example for her son. Though perhaps it would be amusing to him to see his uncle Sirius looking all funny. The thought _did_ have some merit. "And this little thingy right here is called a _tab_. It holds the diaper in place. You know like—" A mouthful of baby pee cut him off. Sirius shrieked and flinched, batting at the stream and only managing to successfully splash it everywhere. Lily doubled over laughing, dodging out of the way. _Serves him right!_ She was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. _I love that kid!_ Sirius was shouting curses at the top of his lungs, face scarlet.

"Merlin, Black. Language!" James chided from the doorway, eyes wide. "What is going on in here?"

"Your ruddy little..." Sirius groped after a word that was adequate to describe the atrocity Harry just committed without calling him a bad name. " _Gah!"_ He flung the unused diaper at James and stomped out. A moment later, the bathroom door slammed shut.

"Lils?" James asked cautiously. She was still giggling too much to speak. "Are you crying?"

"It's just too bloody perfect!" Lily squeaked out through her laughter, voice several octaves too high.

"It's sleep deprivation." James decided, fixing the fresh diaper on Harry with a flick of his wrist. "You really don't want to take too much time changing him, you know. He'll pee on you if you're not careful." Lily lost the battle to calm herself down, bursting out laughing again and remembering the look on Sirius' face. "Mum always said… _Merlin_ woman!"

"I'm sorry!" Lily wheezed, wiping tears from her face. "H-he… He—" She snickered, trying to compose herself enough to speak. "Your son has good aim."

"Aim?" James repeated, clueless.

"And Sirius… Right in the mouth." James laughed with her, though not nearly hard enough in her opinion. Lily just kept on giggling, doing her best to look serious as James read her a lecture on the merits of using magic to change a diaper. On another day, she might have argued that a few spells weren't necessary, but she was too busy being smug about Sirius' comeuppance to care. She made mental notes of the spells though. Just to keep karma off her back.

* * *

 _"I see the moon, the moon sees me_

 _shining through the leaves of the old oak tree_

 _Oh, let the light that shines on me_  
 _shine on the one I love."_

Lily had never really considered herself to be a great singer. It was almost exactly the opposite, truthfully. She never sang with the door to the nursery open, and she sang very quietly even with the door shut, lest one of the boys hear her from the hallway. But there was something so very peaceful about recalling the lullabies her mother had sung to her and singing them to Harry. The aim, of course, was to put him to sleep. But it warmed her heart to have him blinking up at her with soft, green eyes while she crooned to him.

 _"Over the mountain, over the sea,  
back where my heart is longing to be  
Oh, let the light that shines on me  
shine on the one I love."_

The rocking chair squeaked just a bit, but Lily paid it no mind. Harry didn't care about the squeaks of the chair—possibly because the chair was more musical than her voice—but more likely because he simply didn't notice such things. Her heart squeezed tighter as Harry yawned was wide as he could, squirming to be more comfortable in his cocoon of blankets.

 _"I hear the lark, the lark hears me_  
 _singing from the leaves of the old oak tree_  
 _Oh, let the lark that sings to me_  
 _sing to the one I love"_

She smoothed out the little tufts of his hair, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. He wouldn't mind the break in the lyrics. She rose, rocking him gently as she carried him to the crib.

 _"Over the mountains, over the sea  
back where my heart is longing to be  
Oh, let the lark that sings to me  
sing to the one I love."_

It hurt sometimes, to lay Harry down in his crib to sleep. She was happier with him in her arms. He was safer there. But the piece of her that was made of sterner stuff knew that it was absolutely required for Harry to learn to sleep in his crib. It was hard enough already to get him to sleep for more than two hours at a time. She leaned against the crib, though, staring down at him. She hummed the melody of the lullaby, feeling wholly at peace for the first time in ages.

The nursery door squeaked as James let himself in. She shot a smile at him, tucking her wand back into her pocket discreetly. Her melody faltered only a beat. He padded over to them, joining her bedside the crib without a word. His smile was soft and warm as he looked down on their son, and his arm slid around her with ease that was automatic. Lily leaned into him, heart threatening to burst. How could she possibly have wished this hadn't happened?

* * *

"Why do babies cry so much?" James sighed melodramatically, rubbing his hands over his face.

"That'd better be rhetorical." Lily growled, eyeing him rather hatefully as she circled around the nursery trying to sooth Harry from his latest crying fit. In the middle of the night, she had every right to send scathing looks at her husband. "And even if it is—"

"It was a complaint." He groaned, too tired to fight with her.

"Go back to bed if you're tired."

"You'll use it against me tomorrow." James rolled his eyes, not moving from his perch on the rocking chair. "I'm on to you, woman."

"No, I'll use it against you in a few hours when this little brat of yours wakes up again." Lily looked at the infant in her arms. "Not that you're a brat, my love." She murmured, smoothing out his little wisps of hair. Harry hiccupped as his wails trailed off into little whimpers. She offered up a pacifier, sighing with relief when he took it. _It's normal for him to cry like this._ Lily reminded herself, still weaving a slightly drunken path around the nursery. The muscles in her legs wobbled from fatigue. Dani had been by at her insistence earlier. Harry was perfectly healthy. Nothing worse than a rather fussy baby.

James started snoring softly, sprawled inelegantly over the rocking chair. It took Harry ten long minutes to decide that sleep was an acceptable alternative to screaming. Lily spent another few minutes just holding him, watching him sleep and loving him a little more with each breath he took. She forced herself to put him back in his crib, thinking longingly of her own bed. But still she lingered, smiling down on Harry and marveling that he could truly be hers. She tore herself from the crib, prodding James in the shoulder until he woke.

"Mmf?"

"Come to bed." She murmured.

"I was asleep." He groaned softly. "Sleep, Lily."

"Come to bed with me." She tugged on his sleeve.

"Sleep." James mumbled groggily, tugging her down on the rocker with him.

"Ow." Her wand dug into her hip. She tugged it from the pocket of her robes, trying to wiggle into a comfortable position.

"Oh perfect." He took the wand from her hand, enlarging the chair just enough to be comfortable. Lily heaved a sigh, snuggling closer to James. It wasn't as comfortable as their bed, but she was secure in James' arms and Harry was fast asleep. There could be nothing better.

* * *

 _Alice,_

 _Sleep is little more than an illusion. A luxury that Harry seems determined I never know. I hope Neville is less fussy and you have better luck sleeping than me. Certainly Harry is merely taking after James. I refuse to think otherwise._

 _However, aside from an overall, inescapable exhaustion, I can honestly say I've never been happier. I know I'll never convince you that Harry is the most wonderful boy in the world_ — _you wouldn't be a mother if you didn't believe Neville was more wonderful_ — _so let's just agree to disagree and be happy that our babies are healthy and simply precious._

 _Also, I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but I have to ask: have you and Frank talked about going out on missions? It hasn't once come up between James and I, and I'm really hesitant to say anything. I don't even know what to think anymore. Rip me to pieces for being a moron if you will, but I just want to know what your plan is, if you so happen to have one. Maybe that'll help me figure out what to do._

— _All the best, Lily_

She attached the letter to Orion's leg, stroking his feathers lightly before tossing him out the window. Was it wrong of her to remind Alice of the war? Lily heaved a sigh, turning back to the quiet nursery. Harry was asleep and the house was full of peace. She knew Remus was still going out to speak with other werewolves routinely. There were nights that he didn't come home. She knew Sirius was still going on missions with Moody. She'd patched him up a few times absentmindedly. It was force of habit to fix his hurts.

But neither man spoke of their work. She never asked after their missions. Never asked about the happenings of the Order or this week's death toll. To her knowledge, James wasn't asking about it either. Lily settled beside the crib, leaning against the bars and just watching Harry sleep. _I would do anything to see him safe. To see him as happy and as carefree as we once were._ It was a truth that was undeniable. She'd do anything for her son. Once, she would have thought that meant ending the war—singlehandedly if that's what it took. But now she wasn't so sure. Was it worth risking her life? What gave Harry better protection—her fighting a war or staying at his side?

She shook off thoughts of the war, turning her attention to the letter that had prompted her to remember the world outside of this nursery. The script flowed elegantly across the page, forming both congratulations for her healthy baby and an inquiry as to when she would resume working. Murabi had not been joking about sponsoring her application at St. Mungo's. His letter indicated that he knew she'd want some time with the baby, but hurried her to make a decision and submit a formal application before the September 1st deadline. Lily heaved a sigh, unwilling to make any sort of decision. Harry was still so young. So little. She barely had a week to enjoy having him in her life before people were ready to pull her away.

A chorus of raised voices floated through the open nursery door. Lily frowned, straightening. She couldn't make out the words from her spot beside the crib, but the volume rose consistently. With a half glance to make sure Harry was still sleeping, Lily rose to investigate the disturbance.

"— _unsanitary!_ " Sirius was shouting as she neared the top of the stairs.

"It's the only bloody one he liked!" James yelled back. She trotted down to find them glaring at each other from opposite sides of the kitchen. Between them was a charred, slightly smoking mark on the kitchen tile.

"Do I even want to know?" Lily asked dryly.

"No, you bloody well don't!"

"Sirius burned Harry's favorite pacifier!"

"It fell on the floor!" Sirius defended irritably, scowling. "It was _dirty_. It could have hurt him!"

"The blue one?" Horrified, she looked at the smoking bit of tile. "That's the only one he likes!"

" _That's what I said!_ " James cried.

"He'll never take another one!"

"You two are so bloody ridiculous!" Sirius threw his hands up. "It's a stupid _pacifier_. Wormtail bought you twenty of them!"

"But Harry only likes that blue one!" James shouted at the top of his lungs. "It's the only one that consistently makes him shut up!"

"He cries _constantly!_ " Sirius exploded. "It really doesn't work that well, mate."

"He's a _baby!_ He's supposed to cry constantly! It's the only time in his life he'll be able to get away with it!"

"You're going to wake him up if you keep shouting." Lily informed them both, trying to be reasonable.

"We don't have a pacifier he likes!" James cried. "This is cause for a little more than—" On cue, Harry's cries came from upstairs. Lily heaved a sigh, eyeing the smoking spot regretfully before turning to go sooth her baby. The boys continued their argument like it hadn't been interrupted. She rolled her eyes at them mentally, scooping Harry from his crib and rocking him gently. Lily nudged the door shut, telling herself it was to block out the angry voices from downstairs. But really it was just to croon a lullaby as she settled with him in the window.

The loss of Harry's favorite pacifier wouldn't be the end of the world, surely. He'd learn to like another one just as much after a bit of time. It irritated her just a little that Sirius was the one going mad over these sorts of things. The pacifier had fallen on the floor before. And sure, her three hour routine to clean it off was only slightly less absurd than burning it outright, but she was getting better about it. She'd only left it to boil for two hours last time. Eventually—or so she told herself—she'd be comfortable just rising it off in hot water using a bit of soap. She'd gotten better about a lot of things like that, and she no longer thought twice about changing his diaper. She'd made great strides in her week as a mother. She was even beginning to feel competent. Harry was asleep in her arms already.

Lily smiled to herself, humming absently. Orion came winging in to land on the window beside her. He fluffed up his feathers before sticking his leg out so she could untie Alice's response. Lily took a deep breath, half bracing herself before flipping it open.

 _Lily,_

 _I think this is the one time in my life I can say I'm unprepared. I've thought about the war, and it never fails to terrify me. Frank and I haven't discussed it at all; not even before Neville was born. It's just one of those subjects I hope never comes up even though I know it must. I'm in a different position than you, you know. Frank wouldn't expect me to go back on missions. He knows that I don't want to. I could certainly do paperwork with Neville around as long as there's a safe way to get him to Headquarters. But I'm petrified for the possibility of Frank wanting to go back on missions. I'm hoping this newborn bliss lingers_ — _which is to say the utter and complete exhaustion you mentioned that makes crawling out of bed seem like a monumental effort and a mission seem near to torture.  
_

 _I don't know what advice to give you for your situation. I can empathize with a desire to see this war over, and I know you're very good on the offensive end of things. It's hard to suggest you never go back out on missions when the Order would really benefit from you and James (and Frank) getting back out there. But I'm sure you will understand when I say that as a mother, I can't imagine you risking your life when your son needs you. It's really a hard balance. I don't envy the position you are in, but I'm happy to talk about it with you. It's certainly safer than mentioning these things to our boys._

 _On a happier note, I will agree to disagree with you. Neville is more wonderful than I could have ever dreamed, and I couldn't possibly see how Harry could be as amazingly precious. Dani says Neville is doing perfectly and that I should stop pestering her with owls about everything. I guess I'm just a panic, but better safe than sorry! I can't say I recall what sleep actually feels like. I consider myself lucky to have three straight hours uninterrupted. Do you know much about formula or should I write Molly? Frank keeps worrying that we'll run out of milk. My breasts disagree, but truth it's not a bad idea. Do you have a camera or should I send you mine? I want pictures of Harry since we can't travel for a while, yet! I've sent one of Neville's for incentive._

— _All the best, Alice  
_

Lily heaved a sigh, reading through the letter twice before setting it to the side. She rose, carrying Harry back to his crib. Thankfully, the movement didn't disturb him. Alice's response was less helpful than it could have been, but at least Alice didn't think her crazy for contemplating the war. Lily penned a quick note in reply, denying knowledge of formulas and sending off several pictures of Harry. She couldn't help but think her son was cuter than Neville. Undoubtedly, Alice would think the opposite. She left out mentions of the war. She'd wait a few weeks before bringing it up again. Harry was much, much too young still for either of them to venture far. There was time to wait before she needed to talk to James about the happenings beyond Godric's Hollow. Perhaps she'd even wait for him to bring it up first. After all, she was only just feeling comfortable in her new role as a mother.

* * *

"Just make him _shut up._ " Lily moaned, pressing her hands to her face. Harry seemed to wail louder just to spite her. " _Merlin_."

"What do you think I've been trying to do?" James growled, unsuccessfully trying to sooth Harry as he walked laps around the nursery. The same path he'd been walking for the last half-hour. The same path she'd worn in the carpet for the hour before that.

"I just want to sleep." Sirius groaned, thumping his head against the wall.

"Then go lie down." Remus grumbled, massaging his temples.

"But he won't shut up!" He wailed petulantly. "I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in two bloody weeks!"

"He's not hungry. His diaper was changed twice. He's not sick. Rocking's not helping. What else do babies want?"

"How should I know?" Lily cried because all three were looking at her for an answer. "I can't read his mind!"

"He won't keep the pacifier." James continued under his breath. Shame on Sirius for burning the one Harry actually liked. "Shit."

"James!"

"He's not going to remember, Lily!"

"It's the principle of the matter."

"Yeah, Prongs. Set a good example." Sirius sniped.

"Oh, fuck off Padfoot. You're twice as bad as me!"

"James Potter!" Lily snapped, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Alright, I'm going to try something." James sighed, stalking from the room with the shrieking infant in tow. "Be back!" A trio of disgruntled groans followed him. Lily collapsed on the rocking chair. The wailing faded into nothing, and she heaved a sigh of relief. Twin snores came from the corners of the room as both Sirius and Remus fell asleep on the floor. She had a moment to grin before falling asleep herself.

Jostling woke her an indeterminate amount of time later. Lily groaned, trying to roll over and go back to sleep. Instead she was scooped up. She peered at James somewhat hatefully.

"Couldn't you let me sleep?"

"Bed's more comfortable." He grunted. "Though now that you mention it, you're a might heavier than Harry."

"Bugger." She mumbled, sighing as he set her on the bed and tugged the comforters over them both.

"Sleep."

"How'd you get him to shut up?"

"He's a true Potter, your son." James sighed, kissing her cheek. "Now sleep."

"Just tell me or I'll start screaming."

"We went flying. Bugger went straight to sleep."

"M'kay." Sleep sounded mighty nice. She was out again in moments.

* * *

"James Howard Potter—"

"Oh that's not good."

"—you bloody, irresponsible, incorrigible—"

"This is very not good."

"—buggered up _prat_ —"

"Prongs is in trouble now."

" _Sirius Orion Black!_ "

"I'm in trouble now." Sirius retreated from the room, continuing to whisper to Harry. Lily whirled back to her husband, fury making it hard to think.

"Lily," James started to say in reasonable tones.

" _Don't you bloody go making this into nothing!_ " She shouted, hands balled into fists. " _Flying?_ "

"It puts him straight to sleep!" James cried, still trying to hide his broom behind himself. "Fool-proof method."

" _James Howard Potter!_ "

"Lily, I love you, and I really think—"

"Don't _patronize me!_ " Lily exploded. "He's _barely_ two weeks old and you're _flying_ with him?"

"You didn't care when it was the middle of the night and he wouldn't shut up!" James shouted, flinging his hands up. "He bloody likes flying!"

" _That's not the point!_ "

"It's safe, Lily."

"No it bloody well isn't!"

"It's not like I'm going to drop him!"

" _You could!_ "

"Did I ever drop a quaffle?" He sneered.

"Are you comparing my son to a bloody _quaffle?_ " Lily shrieked. " _James Howard Potter._ "

"No matter how many times you say my name like that—"

"Now you're just making bloody excuses—"

"That tone didn't work when my mother used it—"

"You're just flagrantly disregarding any manner of safety—"

"I've been flying since I was two years old—"

"Well you're parents were bloody irresponsible—"

"I turned out just fine, thank you very much."

"Guys." Sirius interrupted. "Harry's trying to sleep. Could you keep—"

" _Bugger off, Black!_ " They shouted in unison, whirling on him.

"Okay then." Sirius retreated, holding both hands up in defeat. Lily huffed loudly, turning her glare back to James.

"Loosen up, Evans." He spat, stalking past her and up the stairs. She very nearly sent a stinging hex at him. A year ago, she might not have resisted the urge. Instead, she stomped from the house, slamming in the front door in her wake. She fumed on the porch for less than a minute before jerking back around to retrieve her son from Sirius' care.

She took Harry to the porch, settling with him on the swing. She took deep, calming breaths. Harry had an uncanny way of picking up on a person's irritation. He'd start wailing in short order if she continued to rage. Lily stared at him, memorizing his features. All too soon, he'd start growing. She'd blink and he'd be walking around the house getting into all sorts of mischief. She'd blink again and the idiot she married would be insisting on letting Harry fly his own broom. Another blink and he'd be off to Hogwarts.

She rocked the swing gently. There were certain moments she wouldn't mind getting to with haste. She'd love the moment Harry learned how to sleep through the night. She'd like it if he could potty on his own rather than her cleaning up his messes. She was excited to know his first word. She kissed his forehead gently. There was so much to look forward to. So many firsts.

"I'm not apologizing to your daddy." She murmured, just in case someone was eavesdropping. Harry squirmed a bit and kept on sleeping. She _might_ just turn a blind eye to James' stunts the next time Harry pulled one of his incorrigible moods. Things were different when Harry wouldn't stop screaming.

* * *

"What the bloody hell are you doing to that poor child?"

"What?" Lily wondered innocently, craning around to find Sirius standing behind her.

"What is he wearing?" Sirius demanded, aghast.

"It's adorable." She protested, turning back to Harry. _He_ didn't seem to mind being dressed up as a farmer. Sirius walked away, grumbling to himself. Lily retrieved the camera and continued to photograph the utter adorableness of her baby. At least having him dressed up as a farmer was mildly respectable. Sirius would certainly have colorful things to say about seeing Harry dressed up as a bumblebee as he'd been ten minutes ago.

"What are you doing to that poor child?" James demanded from behind her.

"You're starting to sound like Sirius." Lily said reprovingly, this time not looking away from her pictures. "He's adorable."

"He is adorable." James agreed easily. "That still doesn't explain what you're doing."

"It's fun." She wrinkled her nose at him. "Harry's enjoying himself."

"Halloween isn't for a while, you know."

"Well he's not a pumpkin, is he?"

"Can I play?" James scooped Harry from his perch, flopping down on the grass amidst her improvised background decorations. He transfigured a leaf into a cowboy hat, jamming it down on his head. "How do I look?" She snapped a picture of him, capturing his goofy grin and Harry's matching giggle.

"Adorable."

"Stupid." Sirius grumbled, stalking back over to them. "Here." He thrust a miniaturized version of a quidditch uniform at James. "This will at least be respectable."

"Bloody brilliant, Padfoot!" Lily heaved a sigh as they took over her moment with Harry, grinning despite herself and taking ample pictures of them dressing Harry up as a quidditch player. They argued over what position he might play and how soon was too soon to have him flying around on his own broom. Though her jaw tightened in memory of last week's argument about flying, she held her peace. They were projecting into the next two years for Harry being alone on a broom. She could argue her case closer to that time.

And she had to admit, Harry looked pretty darn good in Gryffindor colors.

Her boys were abruptly excited about playing dress up, though. They darted off for old uniforms, giving her a moment to sprawl out in the lawn with Harry before they returned in uniform with brooms over their shoulders.

"Pictures!" Sirius decreed, stealing Harry from her and posing theatrically.

"Meh." Lily flapped a hand at him. "I have enough."

"Oh, come on!"

"Here!" James snatched the camera from her, excitedly taking pictures of Sirius and Harry before demanded pictures of himself with Harry. Lily watched them, smiling indulgently. "Come on, Lils." James gestured for her to join him.

"I'm not having our first family pictures with you in those robes, Potter." She snorted.

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Hold him for me, will you?" James passed Harry to Sirius, mischief dancing his eyes.

"Come at me, Potter, and I swear—no!" She shrieked and laughed as James tried to haul her to her feet. Lily did her best to be as unhelpful as possible, squirming in his grasp and laughing all the while. The shutter of the camera went off in a rapid-fire volley as he wrestled her to her feet, entrapping her in his arms.

"I win." James smirked.

"I very much doubt that." Lily snorted. "Want to see some magic, Harry?" James dove to the side, knowing her well enough to know it wasn't an empty threat. Her charm went wide, but the second nailed him perfectly, changing his outfit to more closely resemble that of a bumblebee. "See Harry? Daddy likes playing dress up, too."

"Your mummy likes to play dress up more." She wasn't quite fast enough to dodge the charm James shot at her. A vibrant rainbow of color overcame her hair.

"Well that's not very creative." Lily teased. Undoubtedly, she'd be stuck with it for a week.

"I have plenty of ideas." Sirius taunted, brandishing his wand at them. He had his hands much too full, but Harry was squealing with delight, reaching unashamedly for the wand.

"Watch him." She warned, too busy worrying about the imminent danger her son was in to watch her husband. " _Damn it_ , James!"

"There." He smirked triumphantly, having turned her perfectly comfortable lounge clothes into quidditch gear. "Now we can have a real game."

"Look at this!" Sirius cried. "He's a bloody natural!" Harry gripped his wand, swinging it around in his uncoordinated way. Green sparks flew from the tip.

"Shit, Black!" Lily yelped, snatching the wand away. "Are you mad?"

"It was fine." He protested. "Oi!" She chucked his wand across the yard, rescuing Harry as Sirius darted off after it.

"No wands for him." She said sternly, shooting a sharp look at James.

"Not just yet." He agreed, ruffling Harry's wisps of hair.

"I saw that wink."

"You saw nothing."

"James, I'm serious." Lily shifted Harry into a better position on her hip.

"I know." He nodded solemnly. "And I agree. For now."

"For a while."

"Yes, momma." He pecked her lightly on the lips, stealing Harry from her in the same move. "Now my little man, watch close as uncle Sirius demonstrates how to fly." Lily bit her lip to keep from firing off a warning about keeping Harry on the ground. She retreated to the porch, unsure of where to draw the line between fun and safety. James wouldn't let Harry get hurt. She settled on the swing, watching them with a fond smile. Maybe, just maybe, she'd allow him to venture into the air with Harry if only to make James happy. Maybe.

* * *

"Lily!" She groaned under her breath, tugging the sheets tighter about herself. " _Lilllly!_ "

"Go away!" She cried, voice muffled in the pillow. _I just want one bloody hour to sleep undisturbed. Is that too much to ask for?_

"Lily." Sirius bounced into the bedroom, shaking her.

"Bugger off, Black."

"Harry's hungry."

"Then bloody feed him." Lily snarled, cracking one eye open to glower at him. "James is the parent on duty. Go bug him."

"There's no milk in the fridge." Sirius informed her tartly.

"Then _you_ start producing some!" She exploded. "I _hurt_. I don't want that little bleeder anywhere near my breasts right now! Have _you_ ever had your breasts hurt?"

"Ah…" Sirius retreated one slow step at a time. "All things considered, Lils…"

"I just want _sleep_." She groaned, exhausted and stressed to the point of tears. Harry had been utterly inconsolable last night, ill with a very minor stomach bug. Even flying hadn't worked to calm him down.

"But he's hungry." Sirius whispered plaintively.

"I don't want to." Lily whimpered, tugging the blanket up protectively. At a complete loss, Sirius retreated. It was no great surprise to have James appear a few minutes later. She stayed curled up on her side, glaring at him.

"I brought you some tea." James said lightly, setting the up on the bedside table. "And whatever this is." He set the unmarked jar beside the tea. "Molly says it does wonders for the soreness." Still, she just glared. "I'll nip down to the market and pick up some formula if you're okay with Sirius watching Harry for a bit?" He hesitated only a moment before fleeing.

Lily stayed still for a moment, contemplating Sirius being left alone with Harry. Technically, it had happened plenty, though mostly it was by accident. She groaned under her breath, dragging herself from bed. She could hear Harry crying once she was at the top of the steps. Muttering dark words under her breath, Lily followed the sounds of wailing to Remus' bedroom.

"—the diaper after five minutes won't make him magically shut up." Remus was grumbling, glaring at the intruders rather hatefully.

"Maybe he just needs to be cleaned better." Sirius muttered, mostly to himself.

"Can't you take him outside?"

"I don't want to wake Lily. She's grouchy."

"I'm tired." She corrected, making him jump.

"Ah, Lils—"

"I have a temper." Lily sighed. "You should know that by now. And I didn't sleep at all last night. It's not my fault."

"You should go back to bed." Remus told her gently.

"I'll take him."

"James has gone for formula." Sirius secured a fresh diaper to Harry, scooping him from the dresser before Lily could. "You just go rest. A bit of wailing's good for the lungs." As if encouraged, Harry took his shrieks up an octave.

"He said so." Lily reached anyway, stealing Harry from Sirius' arms. She took Harry from Remus' room, walking slowly and carefully to keep from stumbling.

"I'm his godfather." Sirius said tartly. "I can watch him until James gets back."

"I'm his mother." Lily retorted lightly.

"You can't pull that card. It's not fair."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Really, James'll skin me if he finds out you're not resting." Sirius persisted stubbornly. "Harry's perfectly safe with me, and Moony's just there. He's not corruptible just yet." Lily stopped, blinking owlishly as Sirius gently maneuvered Harry from her arms. "Go rest."

"Am I a bad mother?"

"What kind of question is that?" Sirius snorted, frowning. "Babies cry, Lily. That doesn't make you a bad mum."

"I just want to sleep." She groaned, running a gentle finger across Harry's cheek. "But he's upset—"

"Go to bed, Lily." He said firmly. "You're exhausted. I got sleep last night. You and James were up for most of it. He slept this morning. Now it's your turn. Shoo." Lily heaved a sigh, turning reluctantly for the stairs.

"Make sure—"

" _Bed_." Sirius snapped, shooting a glare at her. "I hold Harry all the time, woman." She grinned weakly, finally retreating back to bed. She was halfway up the steps when James came crashing through the front door.

"I have formula." He panted. "Bloody hell, Padfoot you should see how many there are! It's completely impossible to choose…" Lily fled to the bedroom, fearing what James might have found. She knew as much as he did about baby formulas, which was absolutely nothing at all. Whatever he selected would turn out just fine. She had faith in his ability to make a good blind choice. She collapsed into bed with a groan, listening to the cadence of her baby's wail. She couldn't sleep with that going on.

The wailing stopped, and she was asleep in moments.

* * *

"I have a theory." Remus announced, saying nothing more. Lily didn't look up from her game of making silly faces at Harry, enjoying his giggle.

"Knight to E5." James muttered, staring intently at the chess board.

"Bad move, Prongs."

"Does no one want to hear my theory?" Remus grumbled.

"What theory?" Sirius twisted to look at him.

"Thank you."

"That wasn't interest—"

"I think Lily and James should go out for a date."

"Dated her." James grunted. "Married her. Have baby." Harry giggled extra loud as though to emphasize his point.

"Romantic Prongs." Remus snorted. "You two haven't left had time to yourself for more than a few hours since Harry was born."

"And…?"

"You've been at each other's throats for the last week. You need a break from parenting."

"Babies don't just go away." Lily reminded him. "And we can't leave him alone."

"Sirius and I will watch him." Remus suggested proudly.

"As much as I love you both, no."

"It's not a bad idea! Come on, Prongs."

"Well…" He looked at them dubiously, unaware that Sirius switched his knight to a different spot and silenced his pieces. James blinked a few times. "That's a petrifying thought."

"Being alone with your wife? Should have thought of that before you married her."

"Oi!" There wasn't anything nearby to throw at Remus for that comment. Lily glared, forgetting to watch Harry. He grabbed a lock of her hair and yanked. " _Ouch!_ "

"See." Remus laughed. "You could have a few hours away from babies yanking your hair. Away from all the bodily fluids he produces."

"Ow, ow, ow." Lily chanted, freeing the tangled mess of her hair from her baby's clutches.

"He is right you know." Sirius pointed out, smirking because James was oblivious to his cheating.

"There's a mass murderer somewhere out there." James muttered, waving vaguely towards the door. "I'm not leaving Harry alone." He paused. "Ah, hell." He knocked over his king, pushing away from the game.

"Prongs!" Sirius pouted. "You can't just give up."

 _Mass murderer._ Lily looked up at James, heart clenching uncomfortably in her chest. Was this the moment she'd been fearing? Would an off-hand comment force them to confront the questions they didn't have answers to? Her initial reluctance to go out with James stemmed from not wanting to leave Harry for so long. What would it be to go on a mission, knowing that Harry was home without her? How much had James thought about going back out? Would he expect her to stay behind with Harry? Would he think she would want to go out on missions while he stayed behind? Before Harry was born, she'd have wanted the latter option. Even pregnant, she'd wanted to go back in the field. But having Harry changed everything. She wanted to be there, in one piece, for all of his firsts. She wanted James to be at her side for all of it.

Remus was ranting about them—something about new parents needing to learn how to let go of their baby. Lily barely listened. James sat on the couch beside her and Lily leaned back against his legs. There was a great wide world outside the safety of this house. Harry continued to giggle, oblivious to the heaviness of her thoughts. Would she be able to protect him from the dangers that awaited outside? James' fingers combed gently through her hair.

"Are you even listening to me?" Remus demanded crossly.

"No." James answered bluntly.

"Seriously. We're trained aurors. We can protect Harry just fine while you two are out for a few hours. _Go out_. You're going to be stuck with each other for a long time. _Alone_ when Harry is off to Hogwarts." Remus glared down at them. "I'm tired of listening to you two bickering about everything under the sun. Nauseatingly sweet is better than arguing."

"I'll take the arguing." Sirius muttered rebelliously, resetting the chess board. "Leave them alone, Moony. Come play chess."

"No." Remus growled. "Not until they agree that they need a date! A proper chance away from Harry and parenthood."

"Next week." Lily bargained, hoping that a week would be long enough for him to forget.

"Tonight." He said sternly. "You have a reservation booked and everything."

"Do we?"

"I made it for you."

"Sirius is starting to rub off on you." Lily sighed, shaking her head slightly. "Does this mean I have to take a shower and look presentable?"

"You still have a few hours, don't worry." Apparently satisfied that they would cooperate, Remus plopped down across from Sirius.

"It won't be that bad." James murmured in her ear.

"I have separation anxiety already." Lily disagreed, scooping Harry from the floor and leaving James on the couch. He caught up to her as she was lowering Harry into his crib.

"It won't be that bad." He repeated, wrapping his arms around her. "We do have something wonderful to celebrate, you know."

"I know." She turned, looping her arms around his neck. Clearly, he was dodging the conversation as much as she was. "All fighting aside, I still love you, James." She rose on her toes, kissing him softly.

"I love you, too."

"So, make the boys happy?"

"Mm-hm." James captured her lips again. Lily melted into him, only belatedly realizing how long it'd been since he'd really kissed her—and how much she'd missed it. Babies had a way of overrunning everything.

She left her boys to their naps and games, taking a long hot shower and putting effort into her appearance for the first time in months. She unearthed a soft, green dress that Alice had made her buy prior to her pregnancy. Lily had to make a few minor adjustments to the dress to fit her post-pregnancy figure, but she liked the weight she'd kept. She grinned at her reflection before going to seek James. It was worth every bit of effort to see the look of pure adoration on his face when he saw her.

"You look beautiful."

"You're not so bad yourself." Lily grinned, smoothing out a few runaway strands of hair.

"Shall we?" James asked, taking her arm in his.

"I guess." Her stomach fluttered anxiously as she looked for Harry. He was secure in Remus' arms, snoozing while Remus read him a tale from Beedle and the Bard. "There's—"

"Milk in the fridge, diapers upstairs; don't let him put anything put the pacifier in his mouth; support his head still; don't keep him up too late." Remus finished for her. "Anything else?"

"Don't burn the house down."

"I won't."

"Don't let Sirius burn the house down." Lily added.

"I'll keep him in line, don't you worry."

"No flying."

"Yes, mother."

"Come on, Lily." James said gently. She heaved a sigh, following him out into the fading light.

"It's not wrong for me to be worried." She muttered rebelliously.

"You're not the only one feeling anxious." He confessed. "But Harry's old enough for us to be able to trust them for a few hours."

"True." They ambled down the road towards town. "It's not like it's overnight or anything."

"It's just dinner." James nodded. "Maybe a quickie in the bathroom—"

" _James!_ "

"Hm?" He oozed innocence. Lily could only laugh and shake her head at him.

"At home."

"What's at home?"

"The quickie."

"Really?"

"If we can sneak ten minutes between Harry, Remus, and Sirius being needy…" She shrugged coyly, nudging him.

"Well that's ruddy impossible." James rolled his eyes. "Sirius is just the neediest."

"He really is worse than Harry."

"Harry has gotten better." He pointed out.

"Only woke up twice last night." Lily nodded.

"Oh the sweet promise of a baby that sleeps through the night!" James moaned with heartfelt longing.

"This is all still your fault. All your fault."

"Wouldn't take it back for the world."

"Good." Lily grinned. "I wouldn't either."

"I have missed this, though." James told her. "Just us."

"There is something nice about it." She agreed. "But I do have terribly dark visions of what's happening back home."

"He's not corruptible yet."

"That excuse won't last forever."

"Enjoy it while you can, Lils." James encouraged with a laugh.

"You know what? I think I will." She stopped him, rising up on her toes to kiss him. To remember that she loved her husband just as much as she loved their child.

* * *

 **Disclaimer: Lullaby lyrics found at: lullaby-link...i-see-the-moon**


	40. Prophecy

Lily woke slowly, stretching languidly against James and sighing with contentment. The tenor of his breathing indicated that James was still asleep. She stayed snuggled against his side, soaking in the utter peace of the morning. How strange and wonderful it was to wake on her own volition instead of in answer to a crying baby. Harry had only woken her twice over the course of the night. Lily grinned to herself, finally able to daydream about the night in which he didn't wake them at all. James shifted beneath her, stretching and drawing her closer in the same movement.

"G'morning." He mumbled, nuzzling the top of her head.

"Morning, my love." She murmured, eyes half closed still.

"Is it possible that Harry isn't crying?"

"It would appear so." She grinned. "Amazing, isn't it?"

"We should celebrate." James suggested, only half in jest.

"We could go on a picnic." Lily mused. "Conjure up a basket and have lunch in the park. Harry would like being out in the sunshine, I think."

"Sirius is home today. He'd want to come along."

"He could be the family dog." She shrugged loosely. "If he promises not to slobber on me, I'll even play fetch with him."

"That might convince him." James laughed lightly, squeezing her. "Alright, love, you've convinced me. Picnic in the park today."

"Love you."

"Love you, too." Lily rose, pecking him lightly on the lips before slipping from bed. It was nice to be able to brush her teeth and comb out her hair before venturing to the nursery to look in on Harry. She took her time with the luxury and was unsurprised to find her baby fussing when she reached him.

"Good morning, little one." She hoisted him up, kissing his nose as she carried him to the changing table. "You're getting so good at sleeping, you know that?" She laid him down gently, changing his diaper briskly. James, she knew, always used charms for the task. There was something about the muggle way that was comforting to her. Lily rarely used magic to change him. "You'll have to be careful, my love. Soon your mummy and daddy will feel like real people again, sleeping all through the night and such. It would truly be a tragedy."

With his diaper freshly changed, Lily swung him up in her arms and carried him to the rocking chair. Even if he hadn't quite realized it yet, Harry would be hungry. He was _always_ hungry first thing in the morning. She charmed the door shut with a flick of her wrist, humming his favorite lullaby as she settled down to nurse him. The day was bright and sunny. Perfect for the promised picnic.

"Don't. Absolutely not!" Sirius' voice echoed up the stairs, interrupting the peace of her routine. She looked towards the shut door, surprised by the shout; but unable to go far until Harry was finished nursing. "You're bloody well insane, Prongs!" If James had a response, it was muffled by distance. She rose, careful not to disturb her son, and cracked the door open. She couldn't make out what James was saying. "You're a father now, damn it!" Sirius was all together too loud. But the fragments of his anger didn't make sense. What were they on about?

"—letter, not a bloody promise." James was saying, sounding impatient. Approaching?

"You can't go back out." Sirius shouted. "You—"

"Merlin, Padfoot, would you stop shouting? It's a bloody _letter_."

"And you know damn well what he's going to ask you if you show up!"

"It's not your decision to make on our behalf." James snapped, definitely coming up the stairs.

"Well someone has to knock decent sense into your thick head, Prongs." Sirius snarled, sounding angrier than she'd heard him in a while.

"Padfoot, for the last time, _shove off._ It's not your decision to make. You've made your opinion perfectly clear, and you don't need to keep shouting about it."

"But—" James opened the nursery door, narrowly missing hitting her with it. Sirius tried to follow him in, but James shut the door in his face. Lily arched an eyebrow as he locked the door.

"Muffliato." He growled, flicking his wand towards the door.

"Is that really necessary?" Lily wondered, trying to recall the last time James and Sirius had fought. It never seemed to go well for the people around them. Thank Merlin it didn't happen often!

"Every once in while, I like having private conversations with you." James said, turning from the door. "And this is something we've been avoiding for a while."

"Oh?" Instead of explaining, he offered her a crumpled up letter. Lily took it, settling back in the rocking chair in order to have a hand free to read it.

 _James and Lily,_

 _I hope this letter finds you well. There is something urgent we must discuss. Please come to my office at your earliest convenience._

— _Regards, Albus Dumbledore_

Lily stared at the letter for several long minutes, heart clenching uncomfortably in her chest. Harry wiggled in her arms, belly satisfied. It felt like her muscles were locked in place. She couldn't look away from the letter; the unpleasant reminder that the war was far from over and just a few short months ago, they'd been in the thick of it. Her mouth was paper dry.

James lifted Harry from her arms, expression guarded. He went through the motion of burping Harry mechanically. His gaze was on her, waiting for her to have the first word. Lily read the letter once more, hating the vagueness. _Something urgent_. What did that even mean? She forced herself to set the letter on her knee and fix her shirt to cover herself. Something to keep her hands from being idle. A small task to put off the inevitable talk. No wonder James didn't want Sirius to be a part of this. But Sirius must have read the letter, too. Of course he wouldn't want them to go back out in the field.

"Well." She forced herself to say. "He doesn't waste much time, does he?"

"No." James grimaced, turning his back to her on the pretext of putting Harry back in his crib. _Oh Merlin._ Lily rubbed her hands over her face. What could she say? What she wouldn't give to be able to just read James' mind! What did he think of the letter? One of them was going to have to blurt out something.

"Is Sirius willing to watch Harry?"

"I don't know." James shrugged. "I asked and that's what got him shouting."

"I'll talk to him." Lily rose to do just that, heart intimate with her throat.

"Lily." He stepped deliberately between her and the door. "We have to talk about it."

"Then talk." She prompted.

"I don't know what to say."

"Me neither." She examined his expression, searching for any clue as to what he was thinking.

The silence stretching between them was heavy and uncomfortable. She didn't _want_ to have this discussion. Harry was still much too young. He was only two months old. She'd only just slimmed out of her pregnancy weight. Taking care of Harry was only just starting to feel like routine. They had a few months left before they could really think about leaving Harry with a sitter for more than an hour or two at a time. Who would that be if Sirius didn't agree? Lily bit her lip, seeing worry and sorrow lurking in James' eyes. How could it be that she couldn't find words to say to him? They didn't keep secrets from each other.

"It's too soon." Lily said, voice heavy. She turned her back to James, because it was easier to speak without having to see his reaction. "It's not... It's not like I haven't thought about the war. I wouldn't believe you if you said you haven't thought about it. How could we not? I..." She pressed her hands to her face. "I've written Alice about it, because I didn't know how to bring it up with you. I'm so...conflicted. I want to win this war, because I want Harry to have the same kind of childhood we did. I don't want him growing up and knowing the horrors of this stupid world too soon. We _have_ to win! But I don't know what's best. We're _good_. We've established that plenty of times. But are we best served being out on the front lines while someone else is taking care of Harry? That's not how I envision him being raised. But sitting in the background just because we have a baby... I don't even know."

"At least we're on the same page." James sighed, resting his hands on her hips and pressing his face to the back of her shoulder. "Merlin, Lily, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what the right answer is. I..." He choked off for a minute, sliding his arms around her. "I..." He shuddered against her. "That last mission... It was so close... Dearborn got in the way of the killing curse. It was aimed at me, and I don't know if he did it on purpose or just took a bad step, but..." Her throat closed off. It hurt to breathe. "Everything happened so quickly. And it was just supposed to be another stupid stakeout. It wasn't supposed to be...dangerous."

"We don't know what he wants." Lily muttered, fighting very hard to not shiver. "For all we know it's just a bit of news he doesn't want to put in a letter."

"Lily..."

"We tell him no." She twisted in his arms to face him, resting her hands on his shoulders. "If he wants us to go on missions, then we say no."

"Is that what you really want?" James wondered, brow knit with worry.

"For right now, yes." Lily nodded slowly. "Harry is too young for anything else."

"I'm...surprised." His gaze darted over her face.

"Yeah." She managed a wry smile. "Me too, but being a mother changes everything."

"So no missions?"

"No missions." She confirmed with a nod. "I'll talk to Sirius about watching Harry." James allowed her to step away, staying still until she was at the door.

"What if it's something else?" He asked, facing the window rather than look at her.

"Let's just hope it's not." Lily wrenched the door open to seek out Sirius. It wasn't _quite_ the conversation she'd hoped to have with James. Things were no clearer now then they were when they woke up this morning. But for now, they were more or less on the same page. But the decision left lead weight in her stomach. It felt like betrayal. They were selfish, not thinking beyond their own needs and desires. _But it's too soon. It's much too soon._ How long would that excuse last? She found Sirius in the kitchen glowering at nothing in particular.

"You're an idiot." He snapped, turning cold eyes on her.

"I know." Lily agreed easily. "But that's not the point right now. James and I will refuse to take missions if that's what he wants."

"Oh really?" Sirius snorted.

"Black."

"You're the same girl that lied for four months in order to go on missions." He reminded her coolly. "I'm not buying your bullshit, Evans. Prongs might be stupid enough to believe you, but I know better."

"Three months ago, I would have agreed with you." Lily crossed her arms, leaning against the counter. "But that was before I had Harry."

"You had him then, too."

"It felt different." She shrugged, flushing. "Maybe that means I'm not a good mother, but it took giving birth to him for me to really understand. I won't lose him, Sirius. I would do anything to protect him, and right now that means being here."

"Pretty words." He sneered. "But we've been careful not to talk about the war in front of you and James. You're busy off in la-la land in the glow of new motherhood. You haven't _really_ thought about the war and all the people scared and dying since Harry was born. I _know_ you haven't."

"Dumbledore's missions are suicide." Lily said flatly, eyes narrowed. "In six months, we _might_ consider going out on Order missions, Black, and there is nothing you can do to stop us. But I will not allow Dumbledore to dictate our missions anymore. We ended up in St. Mungo's more often than not thanks to him, and I won't risk my life like that. Not with Harry."

"Prongs came plenty close to dying—"

"I know." She interrupted. "We talked about that." Sort of. "I won't orphan my son, Sirius."

"Doing anything with the Order puts you at risk for just that." He snapped, gaze flinty. "Everything is at one remove for you, Lily, even if you don't realize it. All you're thinking about is Harry, because you haven't been out of Godric's Hollow since he was born. It's _not_ pretty out there, and once you remember that, your tune will change!"

"Then you're going to have to accept the fact that I'm a grown woman and have every right to do what I think is best." She glared at him, daring him to continue arguing. "I'm not a child, Black, and I don't take orders from you. I've been plenty tolerant of you being in our lives, but this is where I draw the line. You can have your opinions, but ultimately the decision is for James and I to make. I will do my best by Harry, and right now that means refusing to fight for the Order no matter how much it feels like betrayal. Harry comes first. Period." She spent a moment just glaring at him, waiting for him to start shouting. A muscle in his jaw twitched, but Sirius said nothing. "Is Remus home?"

"I don't know." Sirius bit out. "Why?"

"Because I need something responsible to watch over Harry while James and I are gone." Lily turned on her heel to search for Remus, ignoring the fury creeping into Sirius' expression.

"I am perfectly capable of watching Harry." He hissed, following her.

"You've made it clear that you don't want us leaving." She snapped. "And as such, I assume you wouldn't watch Harry for us."

" _Damn it,_ _Lily!_ " His voice broke, and she spun around to stare at him, startled by the moisture gathered in his eyes. "I'm not being unreasonable!" Her first instinct was to shout at him—to continue to insist that he didn't have a right to tell her how to live her life. Instead, she took a deep breath and let it out before responding.

"You're not listening to what we're saying." Lily said gently. "We will refuse missions right now, Sirius. But we don't know what Dumbledore actually wants. It's not unreasonable for us to meet with him. I'd be perfectly happy leaving Harry here with you if you'll stop throwing a tantrum about the possibility of James and I remembering that we're still in the middle of a war." She paused, eyeing him. "Will you watch Harry for us?"

"Of course."

"Thank you." Rather than pound on Remus' door, she flashed a smile at Sirius and went to fetch Harry from the nursery. He was awake and attempting to crawl around his crib. She lifted him, holding her baby as tightly as he would allow. "I love you, Harry." She whispered, kissing his cheek. "I won't ever leave you." She stayed there for a moment, cuddling him and reminding herself why missions were such a terrible idea. Her resolve was already firm, though.

"Lils, you ready?" James asked from the doorway.

"Ready." She confirmed. "Let me just give Harry to Sirius."

"Did he scold you, too?"

"Oh yes, but I scolded right back." Lily grinned.

"And no missions?" James pressed.

"No missions." She nodded, rising on her toes to kiss him softly. "Let's just hope it's that simple."

"Is it ever that simple?" Sirius grumbled, waiting for them by the fireplace. "This is Dumbledore after all."

"We'll let you know what he says when we get back." James promised.

"Are you sure you're okay watching Harry?" Lily asked worriedly.

"I've done it plenty before, Lils." Sirius snapped impatiently, taking Harry from her arms before she could protest.

"It's different than us just going to the market, though."

"First she wants to leave." He grumbled to Harry. "Then she doesn't want to. Women, I tell you, mate."

"Let's just go." James grinned, offering her the bowl of floo powder.

"Don't burn the house down, Black." Lily growled.

"Don't agree to anything Dumbledore says." Sirius retorted lightly.

"Only if you don't burn the house down." She took a handful of floo powder and threw it in the fire before he could respond. "Dumbledore's office!" She was whisked away before she could second guess leaving Harry with Sirius. She would _not_ give in to separation anxiety. Sirius was perfectly capable of babysitting Harry until they got back. Lily brushed soot from her clothes, glancing around the familiar office as James tumbled from the fireplace behind her. Things hadn't changed a bit inside the office, but the air felt heavier. The portraits of past Headmasters watched them, almost immobile in their frames. Their unblinking eyes were unnerving. Dumbledore himself was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they were earlier than he anticipated. The letter hadn't indicated a time.

"Not missions?" James said very quietly, eyeing the silent portraits. She didn't want to agree with his assessment, but the atmosphere was discomforting.

"I'm glad you came." Dumbledore said from behind them. Lily started, jerking around.

"Your letter was rather vague." James kept his tone neutral, though she knew accusation lay beneath the words. "And you said it was urgent."

"How is young Harry?"

"He's a handful. The sort that needs constant supervision."

"Ah." Dumbledore laughed just a bit, though his eyes were dull. There was sorrow in his laugh. "And he was born the thirty-first of July, was he not?"

"He was." James agreed warily.

"Is there something wrong, sir?" Lily asked, shifting in place.

"I'm afraid I have terrible words for you." Dumbledore walked slowly to his pensive, gaze turned inwards. Lily traded glances with her husband before moving cautiously across the office to stand near the pensive. "I was interviewing a new professor of Divination." Dumbledore started. "Sybill Trelawney. She said...well I'll let you listen." He waved over the pensive, and a figure rose from the bowl and spoke in a strangely deep and detached way.

 _"_ _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…"_

"What…" Lily started, surprised that her voice came out at all. It was high and strangled, though. "What was that?"

"A prophecy." Dumbledore answered. "Made about a boy born at the end of the July to parents who have thrice defied Lord Voldemort."

"Thrice defied." Lily repeated numbly. Alice and Frank had done that—defeated Voldemort three times. Everyone talked about it. _Thrice defied._ So if this was about their son, Neville, then why were she and James in this office rather than Alice and Frank?

How many times had they faced him? The first, when they weren't speaking and James interrupted her mission with his father. The second, when they held him off when the Prewetts died. The third at the Lestrange manor. And the fourth… There was more. There had to have been more times they faced Voldemort.

"Harry." James whispered softly. "It's about Harry."

"Maybe."

" _No!_ " Lily shouted, stumbling away from them both. It couldn't be about her son. "Alice and Frank. Neville was born the same day. _They_ have faced him three times! It's _Neville._ " Her heart hammered wildly. She trembled like she'd just run a marathon.

"It could be either." Dumbledore said gravely, sorrow etched in his face. "Voldemort will choose."

"But…"

"He's a _baby_." James spat, hands clenched. "How the bloody hell do you expect an _infant_ to _vanquish the Dark Lord?_ "

 _Either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can lives while the other survives._ That line of the prophecy hurt more than any other. Lily crumpled slowly, curling around herself; around the emptiness in her belly where Harry used to be—used to be safe from the world. She was on her knees before she realized she was falling. James was shouting at the top of his lungs; raging at Dumbledore for picking on his son. How _dare_ he think that Harry was going to single-handedly win a war that was utterly hopeless? _Neither can live while the other survives._ Her first thought was to hunt Voldemort down and kill him herself; to protect her son. But… _Either must die at the hand of the other_. Lily had never felt so useless, so incompetent. She couldn't protect him. Not according to that prophecy.

"Lily?" James' hands were hot on her shoulders. She was cold, so very, very cold. She could do nothing more than shiver. She didn't want it to be Harry. But was it any better to wish it to be Neville? What kind of monster was she to wish this pain on Alice just to spare herself the agony?

Somehow, she stumbled onto her feet; managed not to clutch James as Dumbledore started speaking. They would have to go into hiding. Keep Harry safe and protected until he was old enough to fight. They could trust no one. No one could know of the prophecy. The Fidelius Charm was their best bet; to hide beneath it with just themselves and Harry. Dumbledore himself would be their Secret Keeper. They could trust him above all else. He would not betray their location to Voldemort. He would do the same for Alice, Frank, and Neville. They would go into separate hiding, protected by the same charm. The same Secret Keeper.

Her heart was shattering. Harry, little Harry who couldn't even walk yet, would end this war. Her precious baby. He'd defeat Voldemort; have some power that Voldemort didn't know. Merlin, how could this have happened? What could she have possibly done to prevent any of this? Not fall in love with James? Never agree to date him in the first place; never ask for his help for a petty prank against Snape? Agreed to marry him the first time he asked? Told him to go to the hell rather than beg him to take her back? Was it inevitable that the rocky road of their relationship would lead to this? Perfection within as the world came crashing down around them?

"No." She was silent and cowed. James was full of fire, listening and processing each word Dumbledore spoke. His furious denial was in stark contrast to her desolation. "With all due respect, I won't have you as our Secret Keeper."

"James?" Lily blinked, dragging her mind from the million 'what if's' of the path that got them to this moment.

"The Secret Keeper is supposed to be the person we trust most, right? Well, I wouldn't trust you with my shadow much less my wife and son!"

"James."

"Sirius is the best choice. It's best if we're wholly separate from Alice and Frank. It's dangerous to have you be the Secret Keeper of so much." He was on a roll, staring down Dumbledore and ignoring her tugging on his sleeve. "We have very little experience with the Fidelius Charm outside of what we've done for the Order, and maybe it's dangerous for you to be Secret Keeper in more than one charm! I'd rather it be Sirius."

"Sirius Black?" Dumbledore wasn't exactly dubious, though the inflection in his voice questioned James' judgment. "I understand this must come as something of a shock—"

" _Something of a shock?_ " James roared. "You tell me that _my son_ can do what grown wizards have failed to do—that he alone can kill the most dangerous wizard of all time and call it _something of a shock_ to me? You're _mental!_ Are you sure he even knows about this prophecy?"

"Without a shadow of a doubt." Dumbledore nodded gravely. "There was another who heard the prophecy that night. He undoubtedly has shared the part he overheard—"

"You _bloody arse!_ " James exploded and continued on down that vein. Lily pressed her hands to her face. It was too much. Too much all at once. She whirled, bolting for the fire and her path home.

How long had Dumbledore known? Since before Harry was born probably given the tone of the prophecy! And he'd waited two months to share his knowledge. They'd been sitting ducks for two months, unaware that Voldemort might appear any day for Harry. She tumbled into the living room. Sirius was there with Harry. He'd charmed toys to battle each other, narrating the scene for Harry. Both boys were laughing and smiling, ignorant to the hell waiting outside the door. The smile dropped from Sirius' face the moment he saw her.

"Give me my son." She hissed, unaware that she'd drawn her wand.

"What's going on?" Sirius didn't fight her; didn't move as she snatched Harry from his lap; didn't even make a smart-ass comment when Harry immediately started crying. Lily fled to the nursery, slamming the door in her wake and layering every shield she could think of over the room. Then she jammed herself in the corner with Harry, sobbing as hysterically as he was.

"Lily?" Sirius called from the other side of the door. "Is everything okay? What did Dumbledore say? Lily, this isn't funny!" She held Harry as tight as he would allow, trying her best to croon a lullaby around the horror suffocating her. _I'm not cut out for this. I can't be a good mother. Why does nothing ever go right for long?_

She hadn't shielded the room against outside sound because she'd wanted to know when James came back. It must have taken her at least an hour to calm down enough to really sooth Harry from his tears. He was napping fitfully in her arms. Her back hurt and her bum was numb from sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. Sirius was still outside the door, intermittently attempting to get in.

 _It has to be someone you trust. Someone you trust more than anything._ She hadn't even questioned appointing Sirius as Harry's godfather; hadn't thought twice about filling out the necessary paperwork that Harry's guardianship would fall to him if anything were to happen to her and James. It was obvious that Sirius would do anything to help them. James was right. Sirius should be their Secret Keeper. Finally, she pointed her wand towards the door, ignoring how her hand still trembled and whispered the countercharms necessary to grant Sirius access.

He entered very cautiously, wary of her temper from long exposure to her. He had to take a couple looks around the room before he found her between the dresser and the wall. Sirius shut the door.

"What did Dumbledore say?" He asked softly, crouching a few feet from her.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born to those who have thrice defied him at the end of July. He will have power the Dark Lord knows not and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives."

" _What?_ " Blood drained from his face despite his skepticism. "That doesn't make any sense."

"It's a prophecy." She mumbled, looking down at the sleeping child in her arms.

"No." Sirius sat hard on the ground, shaking his head slowly with disbelief. "That's impossible. They can't… You can't… Harry? He's just a baby!" She nodded wordlessly, chin quivering as she held off another fit of hysterical crying. "Where's James?"

"With Dumbledore. Arguing. I couldn't… I just…"

"It can't be Harry." Sirius said desperately. "It can't be. Surely with all the things you two did, you've run across that bastard more than three times." She shook her head wordlessly. " _It can't be Harry!_ "

"It could be Neville." She offered weakly, heart wrenching around in her chest in horridly uncomfortable ways. "Frank and Alice, they'd done what James and I have. Born the same day. The prophecy didn't give a name."

"So it's not Harry?"

"We don't know. Voldemort is supposed to choose one of them. _Mark_ him. There was a line about that, too. _He will mark him as his equal._ "

"Harry's a baby. He's hardly two months old!"

"You think I don't know that?" She shrieked, shaking in earnest again.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry." Sirius ran both hands through his hair, ashen. "I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do." She moaned, curling tighter around Harry. "We have to…" She took a steadying breath. "We have to go into hiding, James and I. The Fidelius Charm. That's what Dumbledore said, at least."

"That means trusting someone." Sirius protested, frowning. "To be Secret Keeper. You can't trust Dumbledore. He's stretched too thin, and old Voldy's not going to back down from him anymore. That's what Moody was saying, at least."

"That's what James was shouting about when I left." Lily mumbled, nuzzling the top of Harry's head rather than look Sirius in the eye. "Dumbledore assumed, but James wouldn't have it. Said it was you or bust."

"You who?"

"You."

"You— _me?_ " Sirius gasped, shocked.

"Is that so unreasonable?" Lily wondered, daring a glance at him. "You wouldn't betray us in a million years, Sirius." He gaped at her, eyes wide as saucers. His mouth moved and no sound emerged.

" _Lily?_ " James' shout echoed through the house. Sirius was still gaping when he flew into the room and found them. "Merlin, don't do that do me."

"Where were—shit, James, what happened?"

"Nothing." He brushed aside the bleeding gash on his face impatiently. "Why are you in the corner?"

"I'm scared, but that isn't nothing! What happened?"

"Moody and I had a mild disagreement. It's fine." James leaned over them, touching Harry worriedly. "Is he okay?"

"Mad at me for interrupting his fun." Lily admitted, touching James' cheek gingerly. "Oblivious. Where'd my wand go?"

"I'm fine, Lily."

"Let a mother worry, won't you?" She spat with much more heat than she'd intended. " _Sit._ " She growled. "And hold him."

"Give a man a minute." James grumbled, settling against the wall and effectively trapping her in the corner. He lifted her legs over his lap, shifting to be able to get his arms around her without squashing Harry. Not giving her even a moment to try to fix the cut on his face. Lily nuzzled into his shoulder anyway, trembling.

"If you bleed in my hair, I will hurt you." She mumbled.

"Fine." He shifted Harry to his lap, handing her wand to her. "What'd you do to Sirius?"

"Told him." She summoned a wet-wipe to clean the remainder of blood from his cheek and jaw rather than use magic.

"And the part where Dumbledore said not to trust anyone?" James arched an eyebrow at her.

"If he's going to be Secret Keeper, then he deserves to know why." Lily snapped. "Besides, I trust him and you'd have told him anyway."

"Didn't realize you were on board with the plan." His thumb brushed across her cheek, and she knew evidence of her breakdown was all over her face.

"What else can we do?" She asked hollowly.

"I don't know." James admitted bitterly. "I don't want to hide. It's not like Divination is an exact art. She could have been wrong."

"He could choose Neville." Lily whispered, feeling like a horrid bitch for saying it aloud. "Neville's pureblood. Maybe he'll think… I don't even know."

"I don't even know if I want it to be Neville." James muttered, resting his head against the wall. "I mean, I do, because I don't want it to be Harry; but… Neville's no older or wiser or better prepared or… He's still a baby."

"Can we not debate that?" Sirius croaked, voice muffled by his hands. "I think I might be sick thinking about it."

"You and me both." She groaned, chest aching. They may not have debated aloud, but in the resultant silence, Lily knew they were thinking about it. She looked at Harry, fussing in James' hands, knowing that Alice would be looking at Neville in much the same way. Was it okay to wish Voldemort to choose Neville knowing that Alice would be hoping he'd choose Harry? Did two bad karma thoughts cancel each other out?

Two sets of footsteps thumped their way up the stairs. Sirius was on his feet in an instant, wand drawn and ready. He was at the door and gone before Lily could even fully tense.

"It's just us!" Frank Longbottom blurted, voice ragged with emotion and alarm.

"Third year. The dungbomb incident."

"I still claim ignorance to any bit of that. Filch is a mad hatter."

"Alright." Sirius led the way back into the nursery. Alice was next, holding Neville tightly. Frank was right behind her, hand never leaving her shoulder. Alice's face was red and blotchy from crying.

"We figured it was safer here." Frank muttered by way of explanation. "Until the spell's in place."

"How so?"

"Guard dog." He nodded to Sirius. "At least you have a Secret Keeper who legitimately cares about you."

"You assume they'd pick me instead of Dumbledore?" Sirius rumbled, frowning.

"Obviously." He frowned briefly, looking between them. "Didn't you?"

"Of course." James answered.

"But that's bad." Sirius protested. "If people assume it's me, then they'll know who to come after. It's not a secret at all."

"They may not think we'd use the charm." Frank shrugged. "I doubt the Death Eaters even know it exists."

"Yeah, but we do. As soon as the Order knows you've gone into hiding, they'll know you used the Fidelius Charm to protect yourselves. And our spy will know. We still don't know who the bugger is!"

"Shit." Frank swore, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"And you get on me for language." Sirius grumbled at Lily even as Alice elbowed her husband. Uncertain grins circled the room for only a moment. Amusement would not win out this time.

"You're right. They'll come after you first."

"I won't trust Dumbledore." James snapped, and Lily found herself nodding in agreement.

"It's dangerous for you to trust me, because people will be expecting that." Sirius jumped to his feet, pacing around in a circle. "What you need is someone they _won't_ suspect. So they'll come after me, and that's fine. I'll run rings around them and meanwhile, I'll have nothing to give."

"But who?" Lily demanded, though her thoughts immediately went to Remus.

"Remus would be next best, but—" Sirius cut himself off with a glare for Frank and Alice. "What about Peter?"

"No way." Alice protested. "They'll go right down the line like you just did, and they'll go after him, too! Peter's trustworthy enough, I'll grant you that; but he can't fight. He's as good as a sitting duck!"

"I'll protect him." Sirius said decisively. "He'll go in hiding too, except no one will really know because he's rarely around anyway. He hasn't done a mission in months!"

"Peter?" Lily muttered dubiously.

"He won't betray us." James said without a beat of hesitation. "But it is risky, Padfoot."

"All of this is risky." Sirius spat. "You have a psychopath coming after your son! He'll come after me to get to you, and damn it, Prongs—"

"Anyone can be broken." Lily whispered, focusing intently on arranging Harry's wisps of hair perfectly rather than look at any of them. "I should know. And you should know that's what they'll do to you. Even if you're not our Secret Keeper."

"I don't care." Sirius said firmly. "I'm not taking this lightly, either. It's hell. I was raised in it, and I saw what it did to you. But I will do whatever it takes to keep Harry safe. Know _that._ "

"I do know." Lily murmured. "That's what worries me."

"Woman..."

"Don't let them catch you and think you're playing the game on them. If they're busy trying to break you, then they won't be looking for Peter. I see the play you're making, Sirius."

"That's not…" He made a noise of pure frustration, hissing under his breath words that neither child should hear. "I'm not making a sacrifice play here, Lily. I just want you to be safe! If they know to come after me, then do something unexpected. I'll run and dodge and have them busy running circles to catch me. But _Merlin_ , I don't want to be caught!"

"Let's not make a hasty decision." James interrupted. "He's not coming for us tonight. And even if he does, Moody will have us surrounded by now."

"What exactly did you say to him?" Lily demanded. "Please tell me you didn't—"

"I told him that Harry was in danger, and I was reclaiming Sirius." James snapped. "I didn't tell him about the prophecy. I said if he wanted details, then he could talk to Dumbledore. I was just stupid enough to say that I was taking Sirius first, so he hexed me. Then I said it was because of Harry, and he flew off the handle and said he'd put watchers on the house."

"Told you." Frank muttered to Alice.

"Touché." Alice whispered back. Lily decided against asking, wondering what she could possibly say to Alice. _Sorry I'm a bitch, but hope it's yours not mine._ She continued to play with Harry's tufts of hair, much to his amusement. He giggled, tugging on the strands of her hair that fell over him. His giggles woke Neville who promptly started wailing. Alice looked ready to burst into tears herself. "I... I n-need to n-nurse him."

"You girls stay in here with the babies." Frank said gently, all of hell in his eyes. "We'll set up a watch downstairs." Alice nodded quickly, swiping at the tears falling down her face.

James took her hand, squeezing it to draw her attention back to him. His gaze was full of worry and fire. He feared for them—for their son—but he would do anything to see them safe. She could see it in his eyes that he would do whatever it took to keep her and Harry safe. She squeezed his hand, reassuring him that she'd be alright without him. She wondered what he read in her face. Was it determination? Despair? It was impossible to take a deep enough breath to satisfy. This was the deepest horror. But at the same time, she was ready to fling herself in front of whatever enemy appeared to threaten her son. She was coiled like a lion, ready to battle the world in order to see her baby safe. Ready to die if that's what it took.

"Prongs." Sirius prompted from the doorway. Lily didn't trust herself to speak. She squeezed his hand once more before releasing him to lift Harry back into her arms. James left reluctantly, shutting the nursery door in his wake. It was a terrible thing to be alone in the room with Alice. What could she possibly say to the woman she'd come to think of as her best friend when she was busy wishing harm on her son simply to see her own safe?

"Can we get past the part where we're each secretly hoping it's the other's son just to spare our own?" Lily whispered when the silence became too much to bear. "Bad karma thoughts cancel out, right?"

"I've been trying to justify that for the last hour." Alice admitted bitterly. "I'm so sorry, Lily."

"I am, too."

"After all the hell I put us through trying to get pregnant." She muttered. "It comes to this."

"It could still end okay." Lily offered. "He could pick Harry."

"And have your son die?"

"Maybe not."

"Don't talk to me about that stupid article you sent me. It's bull, Lily. And then that'd mean _you_ were dead, which doesn't solve anything."

"But it could save him." Lily ran her finger across Harry's cheek. "And that's all that matters."

"What about James?" Alice demanded crossly. "You'd abandon him, too!"

"He'll die protecting the both of us. So it'll be easy."

" _Why are you so morbid?_ "

"Because I just got told that my infant son is going to save the world." Lily said flatly. "Or yours. That's a hell of a lot to process, Alice, and I may or may not be going mad in this moment so just shove off, okay? If Voldemort is coming after Harry, then you can be damn sure I'm going to stand in the crossfire and make sure he doesn't get hurt. Wouldn't you do the same?"

"Yes." Alice whispered, tears falling down her face. "And that terrifies me. I don't want to die. More than anything, Lily, I don't want to die." She paused for a beat. "That's where I have a problem with that not-a-spell thing. I'd be cowering in the corner, not standing in front of death. I can't imagine how anyone could."

"I don't know." Lily sighed. "I think I'd go down fighting."

"Old age would be my preferred style."

"We'll make it through this, right? Be old, crotchety ladies together?"

"Deal."


	41. Interim

_Murabi,_

 _I know I will no longer be your favorite, and I am sorry to disappoint you; but I cannot enter into training at this time. With times being what they are, I need to be close to Harry in order to be able to best protect him. It is not an easy decision to make, and I am grateful for the time I had with you and for everything that you taught me. When things settle down, I may reconsider my application. I hope you will still be willing to have me in a year or two. Be safe in these dark times._

 _— Regards, Lily Potter_

The house was eerily quiet; so quiet, that she'd heard Orion's wing beats clearly as he'd taken her letter to St. Mungo's. Harry, for once, wasn't making even the slightest sound. He stared up at her with wide green eyes, seeming to sense that something was going on. He was uncanny in that way—picking up on their emotions and reacting accordingly. Lily held tightly to him, listening intently for noises throughout the rest of the house. She'd never noticed the undertone of constant noise until it was gone.

They weren't protected. Not yet. Alice and Frank had gone beneath the Fidelius Charm within twenty-four hours of learning the truth. They hadn't hesitated. They had no reason for hesitation; every reason for fast action. Lily chewed on her lip, wondering at the risk she and James were taking. She rationalized it, because they had to figure out something with Remus. Something short of telling him the whole truth. Sirius was strangely reluctant to tell him everything, and Lily found herself agreeing with his hesitation. Remus was undercover. He interacted with Voldemort's followers often as he tried to gain the werewolves' trust. She believed wholeheartedly that he would never betray them, but what if something went wrong? What if he was tortured and forced to tell everything he knew? James was irritated with her and Sirius, forever disliking secrets. He had every intention of telling Remus everything. He'd gotten out that Harry was in danger, and that things would have to change _—_ that they were going into hiding with Harry. Remus had interrupted him mid-sentence, not wanting any details. It would work out perfectly, he'd said. He'd go deeper undercover and trust Sirius with their protection. He assumed they would use the Fidelius Charm and Sirius would be their Secret Keeper. They hadn't agreed or disagreed with his assumption. He'd taken his things and left the house within the hour.

Was it worth the secret? Was it worth hesitating? She wondered again if they should simply trust Sirius rather than find a way to explain things to Peter. The whole truth would terrify him. He couldn't know the whole truth. But bits and pieces they'd told him. Just that Harry was in grave danger _—_ some half-formed story about Voldemort attacking the babies of those who disagreed with his vision. Nothing about the prophecy. Nothing about Voldemort choosing a baby as his mortal enemy. Nothing about an infant being the only one who could defeat the darkest wizard of all time. Peter would not be able to handle that sort of news. They all agreed. Even James.

A week.

It felt like a year. Lily was scared down to her bones. Scared and furious. Why did it have to be Harry? What had she and James done to deserve this fate for their child? She'd been afraid that she wouldn't be a good enough mother. She'd never bothered worrying about being able to protect him. The odds of their house being attacked were so slim. Until now. Now they had a target painted on the front of it; a target on Harry. Would they be able to protect him? Could it truly be only her little baby who could defeat Voldemort? She felt so insignificant.

"Lily?" She looked up quickly, finding James in the doorway. A strange sadness was etched on his face, one that hadn't gone away since that first night. A sadness that was mirrored in her heart. "If we're going, we should go now."

"Is Sirius here already?"

"He's waiting outside." Lily rose, unable to meet his eyes. It was hard to look at him. She hadn't the faintest clue what to say to James, knowing that their son was destined to do what they could not. She'd never particularly cared for divination, but now she hated it with a fierce passion. It would have been easier to have Voldemort appear on their doorstep while they were still oblivious. Waiting was little more than agony.

Sirius said nothing when they joined him on the porch. His face was a mask of solemnity; his eyes hard and wary for any enemy. An auror on duty. Entrusted with the most significant task of his life—escorting Harry to the market. It was silly; meeting Dumbledore and Moody in town rather than within the safety of their own home or at Hogwarts. But if Voldemort didn't know where they lived, no one would risk him finding out by hosting a meeting there. It was dangerous enough to meet in Godric's Hollow at all. Harry was too young for most forms of wizard travel, and they couldn't leave him behind. A single guard wasn't enough. They all agreed. And Dumbledore wanted to meet with James and Lily both in person—he wouldn't have it otherwise. Leaving Harry behind simply wasn't an option. Not now. Not anymore.

Fear and uncertainty melted to the background as she settled Harry into his stroller. She was a soldier, trained and primed; a mother hell-bent on protecting her child at all costs. Her eyes took in the quiet town with the same wariness of James, the same grim determination as Sirius. They flanked her, wands held loosely. They tried to be subtle about it, but the subtlety was little more than a parody. Anyone who happened to take a second glance at them would recognize that something was off. Thankfully, no one appeared to be looking twice.

The pub of choice was quiet, just off the center of town. Few people populated it at this hour, though Dumbledore and Moody were unmistakable. Moody's magical eye whirled around, unable to settle on any one thing.

"Thank you for meeting us." Dumbledore said softly.

"You wouldn't exactly take 'no' for an answer." James snapped, clearly uninterested in pleasantries.

"How is Harry?"

"Still an infant." Lily shrugged, glancing down at her baby. Harry was fast asleep now, thumb stuck in his mouth.

"I—"

"Why aren't you beneath the charm yet?" Moody demanded gruffly, cutting off whatever other small talk Dumbledore had planned. He was impatient as James.

"We shared the house." Lily reminded him, choosing to sit. "We had to find a way to get Remus out without exposing the whole truth."

"And Black?" Moody shot a cold look at Sirius.

"Knows." James answered coldly.

"Mr. Potter—"

"Dumbledore, with all due respect, we'll go beneath the charm when we're ready. This little venture is pointless. It puts Harry in even greater danger, and we're not going to be convinced otherwise." James drew battle-lines, arms crossed and scowling. "Sirius will be our Secret Keeper. As we've said before, we don't know what kind of limitations that charm has. You can only stretch yourself so far, old man. Even you are mortal."

"As I am aware."

"Are we here for you to tell us we are fools, or is there more?" James demanded crossly. "Your letters were infuriatingly vague. Again."

"How many are aware of Harry's date of birth?" Moody wondered.

"I don't know." He frowned, glancing at her.

"We haven't exactly kept it a secret." Lily shook her head slightly. "We didn't have reason to when he was born."

"Why does it matter?" Sirius asked.

"We are trying to limit You-Know-Who's knowledge." Moody answered without looking away from Lily. "Prevent him from knowing which children were born the 31st of July."

"So he may not know about Harry?" She gasped, heart skipping a beat.

"He might."

"But he might not?"

"We have to plan for the worst case scenario and hope for the best." Moody growled, interrupting her budding hopes. "He may know. He may not. How many have you told?"

"There's no way of knowing." James ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. "The Order knows, which means his mole knows."

"He'll know." Lily sighed, heart dropping back to her toes. Hope was a terrible, terrible thing. Harry squirmed in his sleep. She stroked the tufts of his hair absently, throat tightening with despair all over again. "We'll stock up on things we need today." She glanced up at James, hoping he wouldn't start an argument over it here. "Go under the charm tomorrow."

"And there's no way I can convince you—"

" _Absolutely not._ " James spat, eyes flashing dangerously.

"If that is how you feel…" Dumbledore met his gaze evenly.

"I've made myself perfectly clear." Tension circled between them, charging the air. "But here. As consolidation." James tossed his invisibility cloak on the table like it was utterly worthless. "Not like I'll bloody need it anymore. Might be useful to someone." Lily blinked with surprise, wishing she'd known his intention before this moment. It'd be damnably awkward to snatch the cloak back now and give it to Peter instead. Or Sirius—though he seemed entirely unsurprised. Dumbledore stared at the cloak reverently, seeming to recognize it even before he touched it.

"Let's go." Sirius tapped her shoulder, heading for the door to check the street. Lily rose, letting James commandeer the stroller. Moody stood as well, stepping around the table to clasp her hand.

"I will see you again, Potter."

"Soon." She agreed, unable to muster up a smile. It was the first time he'd called her Potter. But it wasn't enough to ease the sting of being forced into hiding to protect her baby. "You'll win this war for me, won't you?"

"Bet on it." He nodded sharply. Lily turned, unwilling to linger; following James and Sirius from the pub.

"Well that was pointless." Sirius sighed as soon as the door was shut behind them. "Shall we get Harry…oi, Prongs!" He'd turned the stroller away from home, stalking down the street.

"Might as well buy what we need while we're here." James called over his shoulder.

"With Harry?" Lily caught up to him, drawing her wand subconsciously.

"It'll be fine." He snapped impatiently. "Two of us stay with him at all times, and we'll be in and out in minutes." She caught Sirius rolling his eyes behind James' back, and had to catch herself before she could do the same. Godric's Hollow was perfectly safe. It had been ever since they moved here.

They walked in tense silence through the sleepy town. Little was happening in the market. Everything was perfectly normal. Lily glared suspiciously at every suspected bit of motion, half-expecting Death Eaters to leap from the bushes just to spite them.

"So how does it work exactly?" James wondered as they wandered through the aisles looking for necessities. "The charm."

"How do you mean?"

"Well we don't know how long we'll be in hiding." He shrugged, eyeing cans of soup. "We can't possibly buy everything we need right now…"

"Well…" Lily blinked a few times.

"Peter will have to do your shopping." Sirius said from behind them, tossing things in a cart absently. "Moody tested the charm with me."

"How?"

"Allegedly paraded me outside Headquarters with different people standing in various places around it." He gestured them forward. "If you go beyond a certain radius around the house, they'll be able to see you. But they could walk right up to the window and stare inside and never know you're home."

"That's…admittedly a little odd." James ruffled his hair. "You're sure, though?"

"As sure as I can be." Sirius nodded.

"It fits with everything I've read about it." Lily sighed, glancing around the quiet store automatically. "I didn't know you'd tested it though."

"Moody's idea." He shrugged loosely. "Back when he first started working with me. He wanted to know the limits of the charm, and since I was on the outside but still a working part of the Order, he used me in place of a Death Eater."

"Well it's good." She said decisively. "At least we know." She'd take any manner of certainty at this point.

"It still means we'll be tethered to the house." James grumbled, tossing groceries into the cart rather roughly.

"Yeah, but…" She was turning to look at Harry when she caught the flicker of black in the corner of her eye. Lily spun automatically, though not quick enough to deflect the jet of red light that struck James square in the chest. " _Protego!_ "

"James!" She didn't look to see if he'd been knocked unconscious. Lily met the eyes of Bellatrix Lestrange and felt her own expression twist to mirror the madness gleaming in the woman's eyes. The stillness of recognition lasted only a breath. The next curse was aimed at the stroller. She blocked it, inadvertently redirecting it into the racks of soup. The cans exploded, showering her in little pieces of tin and soup. Harry started crying loudly, nap disrupted by the sound.

 _Harry._

Fear snatched her. Choked off her reason and stole her ability to think. Harry was in danger. Making a stand was illogical. Her first thought should have been to get her son the hell away from here. But Lily took off running, fury and fear combining into madness. She would _kill_ Bellatrix Lestrange for even thinking to harm her son!

There were four Death Eaters to her estimate. She chased around the store, firing and dodging around their curses in turn. She was untouched, full of manic energy. There would be hell to pay if a single hair on Harry's head was out of place. She spat out the worst curses she knew short of the Unforgivables. If Bellatrix would just stand the fuck still she'd use one of those. The most unforgivable for the hellish bitch!

"Lily!" Sirius was beside her, blood staining his shirt.

"What are you doing?" She shrieked, vision pulsing red. "You're supposed to be with Harry!"

"James has him." He jerked her behind a shelf, out of the path of an angry looking curse. "We have to go!" Sirius didn't give her a chance to argue. He apparated them both from the fray, not releasing her even after they landed.

"What the f—"

"Shut up!" He hissed, dragging her forward; away from Hogsmeade.

"Why are we here?" Lily growled, keeping her voice down.

"Safer than the house." Sirius answered, dragging her from the road towards the Forbidden Forest.

"Where's James?"

"Hopefully already in the Shack." He hissed through his teeth, looking around warily before bolting across the strip of open ground that would take them to the Shrieking Shack. Lily ran after him, heart in her throat. How could Sirius have left James alone? He was supposed to help guard Harry. Sirius stopped at the base of the Shack, gaze raking across their surroundings. "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good."

"Mischief managed." James whispered as he opened the door for them. "Took you bloody long enough."

"James!" Lily flung her arms around him, relieved to have him standing there, whole and untouched save for the soup staining his clothes.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again." He growled, holding onto her just as tightly. "What were you thinking?"

"Harry?" She asked anxiously, unwilling to loosen her arms from around James just yet. Only now did she realize she was trembling.

"Ruffled, but unhurt." He swung her around to show her the improvised crib in the middle of the dirty room. Harry lay within it, sucking on his thumb and watching them with wide eyes.

"Thank Merlin." Lily exhaled shakily, releasing her husband to scoop up her son.

"That was close." Sirius muttered, staying near the door. Ready to defend them in an instant. "Too close."

"Yeah." James agreed quietly, sinking onto the bed in the corner. "You're sure Peter's the better option, Padfoot? I know they'll expect it's you, but if they go after him like that…"

"And when they go after Sirius like that?" Lily snapped impatiently. "Every minute of every day? You know it'll happen!"

"Let them come after me!" Sirius said savagely, eyes gleaming with madness. "I will bloody die to protect you both! You know that!"

" _I don't want you to die!_ " James shouted, launching to his feet.

" _No one_ is going to die!" Lily exploded, clutching Harry tightly. "Do you hear me? _No one is going to die._ "

"You can't know that, Lily." Sirius spat, hands balled into fists. "They are going to come after Harry again, mark my words."

"That's the whole point of going into hiding!"

"No one would ever expect you to trust Wormtail." Sirius continued, fury and desperation in his voice. "Think about it. He _is_ pretty useless in a fight. They won't go after him, because no one would be stupid enough to trust him as a Secret Keeper! He can't fight! But he's as loyal as they come. He'd die to protect any one of us. He practically worships _you._ "

"Oh hell." James drug both of his hands through his hair, obviously frustrated.

"It has to be today." Lily said quietly, working to get a rein over her whirling emotions. Even amidst the shouting, Harry was being quiet, gripping her shirt as tightly as he was able. Once, she thought he was safe in her arms. Now, though, she knew it wasn't nearly enough. She wouldn't risk his safety again. Not ever.

"I'll get Peter." Sirius looked between them, waiting for one of them to disagree. Lily worried her lip between her teeth but said nothing. She trusted James and Sirius. If they believed Peter was the man for the job, then she wouldn't argue against it. The Death Eaters would go after Sirius first. As soon as they couldn't find her and James. As much as she trusted Sirius, he was a very poor choice as their Secret Keeper. It was too damn obvious.

He left, going to hunt down Peter; leaving them alone and shaken. Lily wanted nothing more than to huddle in the safety of James' arms, but he took Sirius' post near the door, alert and wary. She settled on the bed, contenting herself with cuddling Harry closer. Grateful that he wasn't crying just yet. Worried that maybe they hurt him by apparating with him when he was so young. Dani said it wasn't recommended until he was more than three years old. Five to be safe. Lily couldn't get words past the lump in her throat; couldn't make herself hum his favorite lullaby to help relax him further. She could only rock him gently and fight back her own fears. She wondered if James felt as steady as he looked, or if he was as utterly shaken inside as she. They waited in vigilant silence for what felt like eternity before the sound of footsteps approached them.

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." Peter whispered from the far side of the door.

"Mischief managed." James muttered, opening the door to let him in. "Where's Sirius?"

"At the house." He answered, looking them over closely. "We made sure the Death Eaters were out of Godric's Hollow. Sirius is waiting just to be sure. He'll send a patronus if something changes."

"Good."

"We weren't sure if you'd want to risk apparating with Harry again." Peter continued, showing them the two brooms he'd brought. "I can nick another from the school if we have to."

"He really is too young for it." Lily muttered, staring at the brooms. Was it worth the risk? Godric's Hollow was a long flight from Hogwarts. Lots and lots of time for them to be ambushed.

"He was sick coming here." James sighed, shifting in place. "But there are worse things than baby vomit."

"Dani said...never mind." The thought of Harry falling to his death was sickening. If they were attacked in the air, there was no guarantee that James would be able to hold onto him. Especially if James, himself, was struck unconscious. "We can't risk flying. We'll have to apparate. I'll go first." Lily looked between the boys, waiting for one of them to have a better plan. "James, will you take Harry with you? And Peter can bring up the rear?"

"Alright." It was harder than she wanted it to be to pass Harry into James' arms. She felt oddly bereft without Harry in her arms. _It's going to be okay._ She nodded once to them both before apparating home.

"Lily." Sirius frowned, lowering his wand only slightly.

"Mischief managed?" She offered as James appeared behind her with a pop. Harry squalled with displeasure, vomiting profusely. Her heart clenched uncomfortably, though James handled it like a champ, whispering soothing things to Harry even as he continued to hurl. Peter appeared, catching sight of the mess and gagging immediately.

"The feeling never gets better, little man." James murmured, holding him close as Harry stopped vomiting but continued to cry. Lily stepped forward, hesitant to take Harry from him, but _needing_ to have her baby in her arms. James let him go without a fuss, unable to meet her eyes. Was this his fault for being too impatient? How could he have known? Lily couldn't be angry with him, but she also couldn't look at him.

"I'll get Harry settled." She muttered, without looking at any of them. "Then we can perform the charm." Lily walked for the house holding Harry tightly. Reality was agony. She didn't want Harry to be in danger. She didn't want to kick Sirius and Remus from the house for Harry's protection. She didn't want to put all of this responsibility on Peter's shoulders. It wasn't fair to any of them.

She forced a quiet lullaby past the lump in her throat as she cleaned Harry up and soothed him from the reaction. Thankfully, Harry's bout of illness outside didn't continue. She worried that maybe he'd get dehydrated and truly ill, but he wasn't interested in nursing and she wasn't going to press the issue just yet. If he would settle for an hour's nap, she'd have all the time in the world for his needs. They'd be protected beneath the Fidelius Charm. Bound to the safety of this house with no hope for escape or adventure.

"How is he?" Sirius asked quietly.

"Better." Lily sighed, unwilling to put him down just yet.

"How are you?"

"Don't ask me that." She tried to smile and failed utterly. "This is hell, and you know it."

"Yeah." He made a face, exhaling heavily. "Can I say good-bye for now?" He held out his hands cautiously, braced for her refusal to give up her son to him. But Lily eased Harry into his arms, needing this confirmation. Needing to know that Sirius was the right choice for her son if the worst should happen. She couldn't help but think of Flamel's book; the things he wrote about self-sacrifice and magic that defied explanation.

"I will see you again, little man." Sirius whispered to Harry, holding him close. "You bet your bottom dollar I will. You'll be alive and well, and we'll get into all sorts of mischief, you and I. We'll make your mum's hair turn white."

"You'll see him again." Lily agreed.

"I will see you both again." Sirius said sternly.

"I will do whatever it takes to keep him safe." They were right for each other, Harry and Sirius.

"You dying won't solve any problem." He snapped.

"It might." She shrugged, playing with the tips of her hair. "There's a spell I read about. Dunno what exactly it'll do, but I'd do anything for Harry."

"You'd leave James alone in the world?" Sirius growled, his hold on Harry tightening.

"You know as well as I do that he'd die to protect us both." She blinked past tears, sternly forbidding herself from shedding them. "And I won't live without him."

"Not even for Harry?" The question wrenched her heart around in her chest. It was sickening to even think about choosing between her boys.

"If my death would serve him better..." Lily shrugged, smiling sadly. "There is a spell, Sirius, wrought from self-sacrifice. It could protect him far beyond what I could do for him alive. And he'll have you to look after him. I couldn't imagine anything better."

"I can." Sirius said flatly, blinking rapidly. "You and James both alive, raising Harry to your own mischief. I'll just stay the crazy, overbearing uncle. Got it?"

"Of course." She nodded her agreement; wishing that his vision would come true for them; fearing that it wouldn't. They laid Harry down in his crib, leaving him alone in the nursery for the time being.

She wanted desperately to cry as Sirius said his final farewell, promising to see them again alive and well. He would have to leave before they could perform the charm. He'd be excluded from this as well. Not because he wasn't trustworthy enough, but rather because he was too trustworthy. Too obvious a choice for them.

Peter watched their farewells, shoulders square and mouth set in a grim line. He looked competent. Much more so than she'd seen him look recently. All of the fear was gone from him. _This_ was the boy who'd become an animagus illegally to help a friend in need. _This_ was the Marauder.

The magic he cast was sound and sure, without the slightest hint of uncertainty or fumbling. She was glad for his confidence; the charm wouldn't work without it. The casting took nearly an hour to complete, but they'd known that from the beginning. The Fidelius Charm was complex. It would not easily be undone, but she felt secure beneath the shield. They were safe. James wrapped an arm around her as Peter strode off to fetch Sirius from the market. It would be the truest test. Sirius knew the house; knew they should be there. If he couldn't see them now, then they would be safe from Voldemort even if he knew where they lived.

She knew from the look on Sirius' face as he walked by that he didn't see them. He breezed right past them on the lawn, peering through the front windows. He shrugged at Peter, though he lingered on the porch just staring at the door. Lily's throat closed over the desire to cry. James was stiff beside her. From within the house came the sound of Harry crying. Hopefully he'd be hungry so she could stop worrying about all the vomiting he'd done today. Sirius remained oblivious, not hearing the sounds Harry was making. Her heart was shattering slowly.

Lily stood beside James in their lawn, immobile as Sirius retreated down the front walk. It was real; much, much too real. The danger of their situation; the lengths necessary to protect Harry. She left James to stare after his friends, retreating within the bounds of their new cage to take care of Harry.

 _Neither can live while the other survives._ It repeated like a mantra through her head, telling her that every precaution they were taking was utterly necessary. That none of it was nearly enough to protect her son.

 _Either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives._


	42. The Hardest Job

_Sirius,_

 _It's hard to believe only a week has passed. Seems like just yesterday we were saying good-bye, yet each day feels like a year. James isn't too thrilled being cooped up in the house. Not that I find it surprising or feel all that different. Don't worry, though. We're not fighting with each other._

 _Harry is doing well. Little darling has no clue what's happening, but has thankfully continued to learned how to sleep through the night. We're only getting up once or twice a night these days. Not much has changed, really. We miss you. The house seems so empty without you and Remus. You'll tell Remus we send our love to him, won't you? We're trying to be cautious with how many owls we send from the house. Alice won't write me back at all._

 _I hope all is well with you. Have you heard from Moody recently? Be safe!_

 _\- With love, Lily_

The letter was paltry at best. Lily made a face at her words, uncertain of how much to tell him. The only reason she and James weren't fighting was because they weren't currently speaking to each other. The house was deathly silent whenever Harry wasn't fussing. A cold, heavy silence full of emotion that had no place in a house with a young baby. This was supposed to be a happy time. It could have been the best time of their lives. Instead, time was wicked, leaving them to deal with horrors that no parent should ever have to face. It left a terrible wrench in her relationship with James. It wasn't even that she was mad at him. She simply didn't know what to say. What could she say? This was far beyond anything she could have imagined. It felt like a cruel joke.

She sent the lackluster letter off with Orion along with the one James had penned earlier. They wrote separate letters to Sirius and received individual letters in return. Were they keeping secrets from each other? Lily wasn't sure. She hadn't written anything in those letters she wouldn't have wanted James to see. Sirius wasn't telling her what James wrote to him, and she hoped he was giving her the same courtesy in his letters to James. She wouldn't read the letters James wrote; she didn't want to know what he was confiding to Sirius. Lily heaved a sigh, going to check on Harry. James was already in the nursery, seated at her desk leafing through one of her books idly. Harry was fast asleep in his crib. She spent a moment hovering in the doorway, trying to think of something to say. She couldn't find words, and James hadn't looked up from the book. She went to their bedroom instead, perching on the side of the bed.

What could she say when it seemed their lives were measured in days?

* * *

"You look stressed."

"You're terribly observant, Wormtail."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize. I'm being an ass."

"How's Lily?"

"She'll be down in a moment. She's with Harry."

"How are you really?"

"Stressed. Bitter. You know, living life to the fullest and all that."

"Sorry, Prongs."

"Stop apologizing, Pete."

"How's Harry?"

"Sick. He's been throwing up a lot."

"Oh that's awful."

"Yeah."

It was noise in the house at least. Lily stayed on her perch at the bottom of the steps, listening to their stilted conversation. She rubbed her hands over her face, exhausted from staying up all night with Harry. But at least trying to sooth him through his illness was something to do. It was better than sitting and staring at nothing in particular, thinking of all the terrible things that could happen at any moment. It was better than feeling completely useless.

"How's your mum?"

"Getting worse again. It's almost useful being expected to just sit in the house all day. I don't have to worry about anything besides taking care of her anymore."

"Sorry she's worse."

"I dunno how much longer she'll last."

"That's rough, mate. Anything we can do for you?"

"No, it's just life. Focus on keeping Harry safe."

"Not much else to do but that."

"You could always try to come up with extravagant things for me to buy for you."

"Now that could be fun." They laughed for a moment—James' laugh was full of strain—and Lily forced herself to rise and head into the kitchen.

"Hi, Peter." She said as cheerfully as she could manage. It sounded as fake as James' laugh.

"Lily." Peter smiled with genuine happiness. "How are you doing?"

"Well, been better but can't complain." She shrugged, pointedly not looking at her husband. "I'll be good once Harry's feeling better."

"James said he was sick?"

"Yeah. Some sort of stomach virus." She nodded, throat tight. _Say something more. Anything!_ Even with Peter, she couldn't find words to say. He looked between them and sighed.

"It'll get better, guys." Peter said gently. "Harry's safe now."

"You don't know how much this means to us." Lily whispered, forcing herself to smile.

"Don't even worry about it." He shook his head slightly. "Mine's the easier job. But enough! I brought what you requested. Do you have another list for me for next week?"

"Yes." She started to spin to the fridge, but James was there first. She turned away quickly. "Have you heard from Sirius?" Lily asked, running a nervous hand through her hair.

"Ah..." Peter flushed and winced.

"What?" James frowned, tensing.

"They attacked his place. Didn't take as long as we thought for them to find it."

"Is he okay?"

"He told me he was." Peter nodded slowly. "But I haven't seen him. He wrote a letter. Said he was going to try to lay low for a while. I know Moody's working on his own now."

"Bloody hell." James groaned, running his hands through his hair. "This is our fault."

"No it's not!"

"How can you say that?" He shouted, whirling on Peter. "He's being attacked because of us!"

"You don't know that." Peter argued, frowning. "It's not like You-Know-Who is after you specifically." _Right. Secrets._ Lily dropped her eyes to the floor, finding the scorch mark on the tile. Her heart squeezed tight in her chest. She missed Sirius interferring with her attempts to raise Harry properly. She missed the exasperation she felt when he took things just a bit too far.

James said nothing more, though mutiny lurked in the back of his eyes. For a moment, Lily wondered if he'd leave. Maybe that was the better option. She could sit tight in the house with Harry and let James try to end the war with Sirius. Then, at least, one of them could be doing something. It hurt in unspeakable ways to wish James wasn't in the house with her. It was agonizing that she couldn't find a way to speak to him. Harry started crying again, saving her from having to make more small talk. She bid farewell to Peter and retreated to the nursery.

She half-expected James to be gone by morning.

* * *

 _Flower,_

 _I know you to be much more verbose than you've been recently. I can read right between those lines. Tell me what's wrong._

 _How's my little man been doing? Wormy said he was ill the other week. Is he alright? You said nothing of him in your last letter. What kind of mother are you to not brag on your son? Work with me! Did you find my camera? There was certainly a significant lack of photographic evidence accompanying your last letters._

 _Truly, I hope all is well with you. Things are rather bleak out here. Moody says there's been four disappearances in the last week, and three entire families found dead. One muggle and the other two mixed. There's rumors he's going to start attacking prominent pureblood families who aren't allied to him. I think you're rather lucky you three are already in hiding._

 _I won't tell you I'm jumping at shadows, because that'll simply worry you, mother that you are. Tell Wormy I'm still mad he ratted me out to you two. I'm ahead of my followers, but not by much. I won't tell you the country I'm in just in case this letter is intercepted, but it's much warmer than back home. Know that I am well and will run as far as it takes._

 _— With much love and a little impatience, Snuffles_

 _Snuffles._ Lily shook her head, worried despite herself. Sirius was making himself nicknames of his nickname. It made sense, though. Plenty of people knew the Marauder's chosen nicknames. Snape would be the first to recognize 'Padfoot' as a signature. Still…

"Snuffles?" James snorted, having obviously reached the end of the letter Sirius had written him. "He can't be serious."

"Of course he is." Lily retorted, propping her feet on the table. "He's Sirius, after all."

"Padfoot is a better nickname."

"Why? Because you thought of it?"

"Because Snuffles is stupid." James snapped, tossing his letter on the table.

"It says more than it doesn't." She pointed out. "He's in danger, and he knows it."

"He knew he'd be in danger from the start."

"Yeah, but…" Lily trailed off as James stalked from the kitchen. She blew out her breath. "But Sirius rarely takes necessary precautions." She told the empty kitchen. "The fact that he's being careful without someone telling him to means that things are worse than what he's letting on." She read through the letter again. He didn't call any of them by name. For Sirius, that was a major precaution. It was downright alarming.

Lily rose to seek her desk in the nursery. Harry was sleeping peacefully, and thankfully, the light didn't disturb him.

 _Snuffles,_

 _Are you for real with that name? Tell me that's just a joke, because if it's not, you're just a bit ridiculous. You've offended James with it, even. However, I am worried for you if you're taking the precaution. Are you sure you're alright? Peter's been very vague about you recently, which makes me worry. I know you don't want us to be worried for you, but really there's not much else to do when the little guy is_ _asleep._

 _My baby is doing wonderful. He's been all innocent in the last two weeks since getting over his stomach thing, but I'm worried he's going to start teething soon just because he likes to chew on things. James thinks he's just being a normal baby, but time is passing quicker than either of us realize. But maybe I'm too far ahead for him. I'm not sure where all the baby books went, but we can't find them._

 _I promise you things are alright here. It's not easy being stuck in the house, but we're making do for Harry's sake. I think a lot of problems would be solved if we could just take turns leaving, but neither of us want to take the risk. Not after what happened in the market. If I'm being honest, James and I could talk more than we do, but we're not fighting, which is more than I really expected.  
_

 _— Enjoy the pictures and be safe, Lily  
_

Lily spent a moment reading through the letter, wondering if she ought to take the same precautions and call no one by name. Would he scold? She spent a moment tapping her lip, considering re-penning the letter; even making it more cheerful. Lying to him just to make him less worried. But she had no way of monitoring what James wrote. She wouldn't try to fudge his letters. She was tired of lies and secrets. So she left the letter as it was, and flipped through the pictures she'd taken of Harry, selecting her favorites and bundling them in the parchment. Instead of walking downstairs, she banished the letters to the table. James would send Orion off with their letters whenever he finished his own. Lily rose to lift Harry carefully from the crib, cautious not to wake him. But she wanted something to hold. She settled on the rocking chair with him, wanting to sing him a lullaby but unable to get the words out past the lump in her throat.

 _James and I could talk more_. How simple that sentence seemed. How unlike reality it was. They hadn't shared a bed all last week. James slept downstairs in Remus' old room, and she'd slept in the nursery holding Harry. Even if James had been in their bed, would she have joined him? Was he downstairs because she was never in their room? She started the trend when Harry was sick simply because it was easier, and she'd never even tried to go back. It hurt too much to lay beside James when she couldn't think of a thing to say to him. She rocked Harry gently, heart aching. Reality was too cold, too cruel. Would she ever find the right words to say to James? Were there even words to say?

* * *

It was peculiar Lily had decided. She sat on the porch swing, eyes on the people passing by on the street. Their eyes slid right over the house like they hardly even noticed it was there. She wondered what the house looked like on the outside. What did people beyond the bounds of the Fidelius Charm see when they looked at the house? Did they see it and think it stood empty again? Should they have told their neighbors that they were moving? She wondered about writing to Sirius to have him stop by and drop hints. Was it smart? Dangerous for him? They hadn't had a letter from him in over a week. Peter swore he was alright, but those letters sometimes felt like a lifeline—like they were the only thing keeping her sane. She wanted to write him to ask him to walk past the house at a specific time, just so she could watch for him and see with her own eyes that he was alright. It was so very easy to lie on paper. He could say anything just to make them believe he was okay.

Lily shook her head to clear it, refocusing on the people in the street. If Harry were out here with her, she'd make some parody of waving at the people and saying hi to them. He'd find it amusing, and it would offer up some bit of normalcy for her baby. Not that he would really remember at this age, but she wanted things to be as normal for him as possible. So she'd play act that they could interact with the world around them and ignore how much it hurt to pretend. But Harry was up in the nursery taking a nap. She didn't have to pretend to be happy right now. James was upstairs with Harry, so she couldn't go up and bring him down with her. She'd wait for James to appear downstairs before venturing up to Harry. She'd ignore how much it hurt to avoid her husband so pointedly. Lily wished the weather would turn cold to match the coldness in her heart. But it remained bright and cheery just to spite her. The day was startlingly beautiful, and she wouldn't take more than four steps off the porch. Their radius of safety was larger, she knew, but she wouldn't risk it. They weren't risking anything.

She rose to retreat into the house. Tea might help her feel better. Or maybe it would make her feel worse because it immediately reminded her of Remus. His solution to all problems was a cup of tea, and he'd engrained that theory into all of them. She and James weren't writing to Remus since he was undercover. It was too dangerous for anyone to reach out to him. She knew the Order was struggling with it—so few had tried to infiltrate Voldemort's ranks and none had been successful. Peter said Remus was doing the best of them all, but his correspondence with the Order was sporadic and brief. They needed to find a better way to communicate with him safely.

She was setting the kettle to boil when she heard crying from upstairs. Lily went to the base of the stairs, straining her ears and trying to determine if James was already with Harry. She heard nothing more than Harry's wails. She started up the stairs with a slight sigh.

"—little man." She heard James saying as she reached the landing. "You'll get your mum all in a huff if you keep this up, you know." She rolled her eyes, deciding that James had him well in hand. She started to turn back for the stairs. "Not that I blame you, of course. She's adorable when she gets huffy." Lily paused, torn between grinning and scowling. "You'll find someone just like her someday, you know. That one special girl that drives you mad like your momma drives me mad. You'll do all sorts of crazy things for her. It's madness, love is."

Harry wasn't crying anymore. But was James still talking to him? Lily strained her ears towards the door, listening without moving.

"Someday you'll understand." James said quietly. "You'll know just how wonderful your mum is, and you'll find a girl—" The kettle started whistling. She flinched and bolted back down the stairs, jerking the kettle from the burner to shut it up. She fixed the tea as quickly as she could before retreating back to the porch. She considered taking tea up to James, but didn't want to intrude on his moment with Harry even more than she already had. She didn't know what to say to the things she'd overheard; didn't want to admit to overhearing it.

 _I love you, James._ How had those words gotten so impossible to say? Were they impossible to say? Lily stared at the people walking by, nursing her cup of tea and thinking about James. Could it be simple to ease the pain in their relationship? Surely this wouldn't be as hard as coming back from a botched proposal. It would just take one of them making that first step, reaching out across the terrible chasm that separated them. Tomorrow, perhaps, she'd gather up the courage to speak to him. She'd find words to say.

* * *

A dozen times, she drew in breath to speak and had blown it back out without shaping words. She'd thought of a dozen things to say to break the terrible silence between her and James. But nothing seemed right to her. ' _I'm sorry_ ' was paltry and overused. It didn't hold the depth of sorrow she felt or the edge of agony that refused to lessen. _'I love you'_ seemed discordinant to the last weeks of silence. She doubted he'd believe her if she just blurted it out. It couldn't be the opening sentence, but she couldn't think of what to say to lead to that admission. She did still love him dearly. She needed to find a way to tell him. _'This is hell'_ had the right tenor and emotion, but it was a terrible way to start a conversation. She wanted something lighter. They could reach the hellish part of their current situation at a later time. _'Please talk to me'_ was the best she'd come up with, but it left the entirety of the conversation up to James. She didn't know what words to say after begging him to remember she was still in the house. But maybe that's what he needed; maybe James had things he wanted to say but didn't know if she was ready to listen.

They had a routine of avoidance well established based around when Harry would absolutely require her attention and when James could sufficiently handle his needs. They'd brush past each other in the kitchen or in the hallway near the nursery, but Lily took careful precautions to minimize those encounters. It wrenched her heart around too much to be near to him without being able to speak. To be tongue-tied because their son was supposed to save the world. Because only he could succeed at overcoming the darkest wizard of all time, despite them both being highly-skilled fighters. The impossibility of it all was agonizing.

Lily folded clothes automatically. Mechanically. Easier, perhaps, to fold them with magic. More precise. Less aggravating. But there wasn't much else to be done. She needed her hands to be doing something in order to keep her mind carefully blank. James was off entertaining Harry—she could hear giggles coming from the nursery—so she couldn't distract herself with her baby. She wasn't exactly sure what she'd do after she was done with the laundry. She could only reorganize her spice rack so many times.

Something bumped into her arm. Lily jumped a foot, incinerating the offending object without pausing to wonder what it might have been. She blinked a few times, looking around warily. Giggles still came from the nursery. She heaved a sigh, keeping her wand in hand while cautiously lifting another shirt.

A minute passed before she caught sight of movement in the corner of her eye. Lily spun around, wand aimed. An origami flower floated towards her, brightly colored and innocent. She gaped at it, frozen with surprise as it floated across the room and bumped into her hand. She dropped her arm to her side, bemused as the flower floated closer to tap her shoulder. Lily plucked it from the air, examining it. The folding was intricate and the paper refused to be pulled apart. A third flower floated through the open door.

 _James._

She abandoned the half folded laundry, walking down the hall. She peered through the nursery door, finding the air thick with different colored paper flowers. James was directing them to dance around, much to Harry's amusement, and occasionally sending one for the door. To her. Lily bit back a grin, words coming automatically.

"Why couldn't you have been this charming fifth year?" She wondered, running her fingers across the first flower.

"It takes practice, love." He told her, shooting a smirk at her. "I was giving Harry some pointers."

"Don't listen to your daddy." She advised her son dryly. "You'll have a heck of a time of it if you do."

"Hey now."

"I speak only truth." Lily said primly. "I assume you wanted something?"

"I have it now." James grinned, leaning back on his elbows.

"Oh?"

"You." He shrugged. "Your attention."

"There are easier ways." She dropped her gaze to the flower in her hand, heart skipping a beat anyway.

"I've been an ass recently." James said, carefully covering Harry's ears against his mild curse. "Been forever since I reminded you how much I love you."

"I haven't been much better." Lily muttered. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't." He cut her off gently. "I know. I am, too. I haven't taken this well, obviously."

"I'm not doing much better."

"I still love you."

"And I love you, James Potter." She folded herself on the nursery floor with him, resting her cheek on his shoulder. Trust James to come up with the right words first. He would miss her as much as she'd been missing him.

"We'll figure this out together, won't we?"

"Of course." Hope was a terrible thing. She wanted desperately to have things change; to refind equilibrium in her relationship with James. For the first time in weeks, she could hope that things might get better. But she feared the budding hope, because nothing had really changed. Harry was still in danger and they were still trapped in this house. A few origami flowers couldn't change that.

* * *

 _Snuffles,_

 _Please stop worrying about us. You need to be focused on keeping yourself safe. I don't know what we'd do if we lost you because of this mess. Things have gotten infinitely better here. I won't bore you with the details, but James and I finally sat down and had the talk we've been needing to have since learning everything from Dumbledore. It was hard, of course, but we got through it and things are good again. We're talking and not fighting and happy as we can be._

 _Harry is doing marvelously. He's growing by leaps and bounds and never ceases to amaze me each day. Sometimes I wake up and am shocked by how big he's gotten, and other times he still seems so little. Possibly because he is still so little! James keeps lecturing him about quidditch, which is cute and annoying at the same time. I think he just misses having someone to talk to about it, because I certainly won't listen. Harry is learning how to crawl and getting pretty good at it pretty quickly. I'm starting to fear the day when he can get around handily, because James and I have gotten lazy about keeping an eye on him. Ah well, parenthood, I guess._

 _Be safe out there, and know we miss you terribly._

 _—_ _With love as always, Lily_


	43. Growing Pains

"Are you _trying_ to burn the house down?" Lily wondered, stepping very carefully through the hundred light candles in her living room.

"Of course not." James snorted, appearing very satisfied as he straightened from setting the last few alight.

"Really? Because it seems to me like you're trying to spare You-Know-Who the effort of finding us."

"It's romantic." He made a face at her.

"A few candles are." She nodded. "This is a fire hazard."

"Harry is upstairs and safe from open flames." James persisted, stepping around her to head for the kitchen. "Undoubtedly he'll interrupt in about five minutes, but since we can't go anywhere, I figured we'd just have a nice date here."

"Five candles would've been enough to set a mood." Lily argued, fighting the urge to grin like a fool. He could never do anything halfway.

"Just enjoy it."

"Oh, I am." She assured him. "I can bask in the knowledge that I'm married to the best husband ever, and still be worried that he's about to burn my house down."

"The house is perfectly safe." James repeated firmly.

"If you say so."

"I do say so." He said impatiently. "Now give me ten bloody minutes, and we'll have dinner."

"Alright." Lily laughed as she left him running circles in the kitchen. She peeked once more at the candle-light room and smiled to herself. _I love that man._ She went upstairs to check in on their child, finding Harry awake and fussy. "Come here, little man." She murmured, hoisting him from the crib. "You just want to be part of the party, don't you?" He giggled gleefully, reaching for her hair. "It's going to be better, isn't it? Your daddy's the best daddy in the whole world. He's just going to spoil us rotten."

Despite the fire hazard, Lily took Harry downstairs to show off James' work. It was supposed to be a night for just the two of them, but she couldn't resist roping Harry into the fun. It was the first time in over a month that she didn't feel as though she was forcing herself to smile. Her heart was lighter, though the shadows were far from gone. It would be okay, though. James would meet her halfway. They were salvaging their relationship and able to face this together. They didn't have to be alone.

"Hey now." James protested, frowning when he caught sight of her with Harry. "Grown ups only." Plates followed him in a steady stream, arranging themselves neatly on the coffee table.

"But he's so cute." Lily grinned sheepishly, looking up at him through her bangs. "You can't resist this face."

"That is very true." James laughed. "I knew there was a reason I married you." He settled on the floor beside them, leaning over to plant a soft kiss on her lips. "Love you, Lily."

"This all looks amazing." She gestured to his feast, delighted to have a well-prepared meal for once.

"I try." James said modestly.

"I love you, James." Lily leaned against his shoulder, nuzzling him."And I _am_ sorry about the last month. I know you are, too, but it needs said."

"You're already forgiven." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pressing his lips to her temple. "Can you forgive my poor behavior?"

"Of course." Harry chose that moment to knock over a candle, squirming to reach more.

"Shit!"

" _Fire hazard._ " She growled, kicking the still-burning candle away.

"Are you _trying_ to set things on fire?" James rescued the candle with a quick charm.

"Let me put him upstairs."

"You think?"

"Shut up." Lily wrinkled her nose at him, carrying Harry back to the nursery. "Well done, my love." She kissed her baby softly. "You'll be a true Marauder, yet." Not that she would ever in a million years tell James she was okay with Harry following in his footsteps. She hesitated outside the nursery door for a moment to be sure he would be quiet before skipping down the stairs. "Is it time to eat? I'm starved."

"Could've eaten sooner, but you had to bring Harry down here." James teased through a mouthful of food.

"I was just showing off your hard work." She collapsed beside him, snuggling beneath his arm before reaching for her plate. "Teaching your son the proper way to woo a woman. Merlin help him if he inherited the same level of idiocy you had in fourth and fifth year."

"I resent that." He grumbled good-naturedly, squeezing her. "I won you over, didn't I?"

"If I can spare some poor girl the headache, then I will. You, James Potter, were a _massive_ headache. I love you to death, but let's be real."

"You wound me deeply, Lils."

"You've survived worse just fine." She gave his leg a gentle pat. "Besides, it's a compliment, really. You outdid yourself tonight. It's wonderful, even if you are trying to burn my house down."

"Hey, you brought the baby into it." He reminded her tartly. "I never promised to make the date baby-proof. In fact, I told you it wouldn't be."

"Secretly, I just want to test your house building skills." She winked. "Since I'm sure Peter won't be much help, and he's not due to be here for three days regardless. You wouldn't have make your wife and child sleep with no roof, would you?"

"I'd pitch a tent, and we could camp in the yard." James shrugged carelessly. "Hell, we could do that if you wanted. Vacation for Harry."

"I prefer my mattress, thank you very much." Lily snorted. "Though you are welcome to call yourself Snuffles and sleep in the yard."

"Don't mention that name around me." He groaned. "It's still ridiculous."

"It's vaguely witty."

"Vaguely being all too appropriate."

"It really isn't that bad." She laughed, nudging him. James hummed non-committally.

"How'd you like the steak?"

"It was perfect." She told him, kissing his jaw lightly.

"You ate half of it. Barely." He scolded.

"I'm full right now." Lily rested her cheek on his shoulder, relaxing into him. "I'll eat more later."

"I will hold you to that." James threatened, thumb moving against her arm soothingly. For a moment, they were quiet. It was peaceful, but Lily was terrified of running out of words to say to him. They hadn't _really_ talked about everything with Harry and the prophecy. It was like dodging the conversations about missions before any of this started only ten times worse. "You will come to bed tonight, won't you?" James whispered, interrupting her thoughts.

"Only if you're there."

"You left first."

"I know." She whispered, heaving a sigh. "It's just..." She didn't know how to explain herself. It hurt too much.

"Impossible." James finished for her. "There isn't any way to prepare for that sort of news. I don't know how anyone is supposed to handle it."

"Will Frank write you back?" Lily wondered.

"No." James sighed. "I suppose Alice hasn't responded to you?"

"Not even once." She answered bitterly. "Are we foolish for sending so many owls?"

"We send two a week." James reminded her gently. "The only risk is the owls being intercepted, and even then the risk is all to Sirius. Unless we include an address, a letter won't break the Charm. I'm not saying it's unreasonable of Alice and Frank to be wary of writing letters, but I think we know enough about the Charm to be safe doing what we're doing. Sirius'll continue to send letters regardless, and he's threatened undue punishment if we stop responding to him. And frankly, his letters and Peter's visits are the only thing to look forward to. I mean, not that watching Harry grow up isn't exciting, but it's hard not even being able to leave the house. And I mean, I know the porch and the yard are safe, but sometimes I think they're not and I was already stupid once. I'm not going to make that mistake again."

"The porch is safe." Lily murmured rather than admit she shared his fears about the lawn. "I sit out there with him a lot."

"I know." He sighed. "Would you care if I joined you sometimes?"

"I actually think I'd like that." She entwined her fingers through his, closing her eyes. They were quiet for another moment, soaking in the peace in the house. But Lily couldn't ignore the demons lurking in the shadows. "I still can't believe Harry's supposed to save the world."

"It's…impossible."

"He's your son." Lily reminded him lightly. "Nothing's impossible."

"Is that a jab at the fact that you did, in fact, have a child with me, or something sweeter?" James wondered.

"Maybe a bit of both." She laughed. "But I was aiming for sweet."

"Thanks? I think."

"It is a little crazy, though." Lily mused, diverted from her thoughts of impending doom. "Even a few years ago, if someone had said we'd be here now, I'd have hexed them to no end."

"It seems like a dream sometimes." James confessed, fingers combing through her hair gently. "A wonderful, crazy dream."

"Sometimes I wish it were just a dream." She sighed. "For Harry's sake, at least."

"He wouldn't exist if this were a dream." He disagreed gently. "I wouldn't change it for the world. Even if this all ends in disastrous flames. I wouldn't change a thing."

"I'd change the whole prophecy thing." Lily snorted.

"If it was this or nothing at all…"

"I would still choose you." She allowed. "Always."

* * *

"What the heck is this?" James demanded, stopping halfway through unpacking the groceries Peter had just delivered.

"Baby food." She answered, looking over his shoulder.

"Is Harry old enough for that?"

"I think so." Lily shrugged, plucking the jar from his hand. "He's been chewing a lot more recently, so I think it's time to work on real food."

"Mashed carrots?" He asked dubiously. "That just sounds gross."

"It can't be that bad." She wrinkled her nose. "Did Peter bring a high-chair for him?"

"Is that what that massive box is?" James pointed to the unmarked box in the corner of the kitchen.

"Presumably." She shrugged. "Unfortunately, I lost my ability to see through things after giving birth."

"Oh, hush." He rolled his eyes at her. "I didn't see the list last week, you know. I just nod and smile when Peter drops off questionable things."

"A good practice, really." Lily snorted.

"What's got you in a mood this morning?"

"I'm not in a mood!" She protested. "If anyone is in a mood, it's you. It's not my fault you're setting yourself up perfectly."

"Where's Harry?" James asked instead of dignifying her jab with another.

"Where you left him." Lily told him sweetly. James just glared at her. "In his pen in the living room. Playing with the stuffed owl Sirius sent. Running off so soon, are you?"

"Harry does not yet talk back." James muttered under his breath as he stalked from the kitchen. Lily laughed, unpacking the rest of the bags. If she was dedicated about it, she could spend a whole two hours getting the kitchen organized with all the new things Peter brought. She'd made a habit of it since the very beginning, because entertainment was in short supply sometimes. Perhaps it was less necessary now that she and James were talking again, but days could still be annoyingly long. She took her time, organizing everything in alphabetical order and making sure it sat perfectly in its place. Later, when she was bored, she'd reorganize the shelves by groupings of food classes or something equally idiotic. She'd put her parents to shame with this sort of attention to detail.

With everything packed away, Lily went out to the living room to check on her boys. They lounged on the floor together, and James had his stolen snitch out. Lily grinned, watching from the doorway. For once, James wasn't explaining the rules of quidditch—perhaps he'd already finished for the day. He caught the snitch easily whenever it floated too far out of Harry's reach, releasing it near enough to give Harry a chance to snatch it. Harry was not quite so coordinated, but his eyes tracked the snitch's every move and he reached for it endlessly. James hadn't noticed her watching, so she slipped back to the kitchen to assemble the high-chair on her own.

Would Harry grow to like quidditch as much as James? Or would he enjoy it as a kid, and then grow to be annoyed by his father's so obvious interest in the sport and hate it just to spite James? She hoped he would love it so to always have at least something of a bond with James. She wondered at what position he might play. Surely James would want him to follow in his footsteps and be a Chaser, but would these days of playing with the snitch make him more likely to be a Seeker? Lily grinned to herself, imagining the kinds of arguments Harry and James might have when the time for tryouts came. She refused to let herself consider the possibility that Harry might not be able to go to Hogwarts. They couldn't stay in hiding for eleven years. She wouldn't allow it to happen.

"Would you look at that?" James said from behind her. "You've got your own table and everything, champ."

"Did he catch it?" Lily wondered, twisting to grin up at them both.

"Of course." He said solemnly, whilst shaking his head 'no'. "He's going to be the best quidditch player Hogwarts has ever seen."

"Undoubtedly." She laughed, bouncing to her feet to kiss them both in turn. "Are you hungry, Harry?"

"We come seeking food, mother-dearest." James answered for him, grinning.

"We?" Lily snorted. "I only service baby food currently."

"Ah, well..." He made a face at her, settling Harry into his high-chair. "Baby first, then."

"Look at this, Harry." She cooed, uncapping the jar of mashed carrots. "New food for you."

"Merlin, it even smells gross." James grumbled, shaking his head as he went to the fridge. "Want anything, Lils?"

"I'm good for now." She answered absently, busy presenting a spoonful of the carrots to Harry. His expression was dubious as she tried to ease the spoon into his mouth. The feat was much harder than she thought it would be. Harry shrieked at her and flailed. Lily jumped as the spoon clattered to the ground, narrowly missing getting a face-full of mashed carrots. "Okay..." She looked from the jar to Harry, scratching the back of her neck.

"Here." James said with as straight of a face as he could manage, presenting a handful of spoons to her.

"You're very funny, Potter." Lily grumbled even as she took them all. "It's not so bad, Harry. You'll get all sorts of tasty treats soon. Much better than the same old milk day in and day out." She tried for a second spoonful. Harry was no more cooperative this time than the first. Lily held onto the spoon, but the mashed carrots ended up smacking her in the face and dripping into her hair. She growled under her breath.

James set a bottle of milk on the table beside her, battling down a smirk. Lily shot a cold scowl his way.

"Look Harry, it's a broom!" Babies liked those sorts of tricks right? Even with elaborate motions of the spoon on the way to his mouth, Harry wasn't interested in the baby food at all. He screamed at her, giving her a chance to pop the spoon in his open mouth. Her victory was short lived as he spat it back out in her face. "Merlin." She groaned, wearing more of the carrots than he'd managed to eat.

"Oh just keep trying." James told her from the far end of the table, leaning back in his chair and only just not laughing. "It's very entertaining."

"I will hurt you." She grumbled under her breath. She presented yet another spoonful to Harry, wondering at the futility. He was very near to a full out tantrum. "Just one bite, love." He smacked the spoon from her hand. Lily groaned, shaking her head at the mess they'd made. "It can't be _that_ bad." She took a test bite of the carrots and very nearly gagged. " _Merlin!_ " She bolted to the sink, rinsing her mouth out immediately.

"That bad?" James wondered.

"Don't—" He tasted it as well before she could warn him off the nastiness.

"Merlin's shaggy balls." James spat it back out, gagging. "That's the worst things I've ever tasted! What are you trying to do, poison him? You poor thing. Here."

"Oh don't do that!" Lily protested as he presented the bottle to Harry. "Now he's going to associate me with the bad food!"

"It'll be fine." He flapped a hand at her. "Here, just take the bottle if you're worried." She all but shoved him out of the way, running a hand through Harry's growing hair. James took the jar of baby food to the trash, pitching it without a second thought. Lily vowed to write to Molly Weasley in order to determine the best way to introduce solid foods to babies. Never again would she feed Harry baby food from a jar.

* * *

 _Dearest Snuffly-poo,_

 _All peace is gone from the house. Quiet is little more than a treasured memory. Poor Harry has officially begun teething, and he is not taking it well at all. I miss you now more than ever, my friend. I dream of the day in which I can leave Harry with you and run to somewhere peaceful with James. In hindsight, I wish he and I hadn't gone out that one night. I keep thinking about how much easier this would all be if we could just escape it for a few hours. Ack well, Harry is miserable, and if baby is miserable, everyone must also be miserable. Misery loves company, as the saying goes! At best, my dear child is a terror. At worst, he is an unholy imitation of a bugle horn._

 _However! However, hope remains sufficient. As of this morning, James and I seem to have stumbled upon the holy grail of baby-calming devices. Purely by chance, James has won the award of father of the year (subject to be revoked at the slightest provocation, I might add) by accidently placing those lovely rattles you sent in the freezer. I know not why, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know how they managed to find their way into my peas. But ah, the blessing! Dork that he is, James didn't wait for those suckers to dethaw before he gave them to Harry. Merlin, there is sweet, sweet silence in the house. We have sent an urgent request to Wormtail to obtain more of these magical devices. Harry has been his happy self for the last hour, and truth, I was beginning to think "happy Harry" was only a fantasy._

 _I was just informed by James that this mystical truth of ice being good for teething babies was in that book Moony bought us so long ago (were you the one that used it to level the kitchen table?). I'd accuse him of cheating, but he swears this is a recently learned development and I simply cannot ignore my joy of having a peaceful baby. I think it is time and past for James and I to stop using that book to level the table and start actually using it as it was originally intended to be used. A wealth of knowledge awaits, I'm sure. Though, perhaps I'll leave the reading to James simply to ignore how much we've been doing wrong these last months. Harry is not yet to his corruptible phase, or so I keep reminding myself._

 _I hope you enjoy the pictures. Harry is growing by leaps and bounds. He finds a new way to amaze me every day. He might be an unholy terror, but he's my unholy terror and I love him dearly. I wish you could be here to see it all with us (though I secretly enjoy living alone with James, so don't think you're ever getting your room back)._

 _I hope all is well with you. Fly a few laps around the moon for James, because I know he misses it. Living vicariously through you is about the only fun we have that reminds us we're more than parents. Be safe!_

— _All the best, Lily_

* * *

"Hey James, where's Harry?"

"He's right..." James started to gestured to the pile of blankets in the corner, but stopped halfway through the motion. "Well he was right there."

"James." Lily looked between him and the empty patch of blankets, struggling to hold back accusation.

"He's, um..." He looked around rather frantically. "Right there! We're playing hide and seek."

"Did Harry inform you of the game before you lost him or after?" Lily wondered dryly, peering around the door to find her baby wedged between it and the wall playing with his stuffed owl. He grinned at her when he caught her watching.

"Guess." James grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Bugger's fast, Lils."

"I've been saying that for weeks." She'd lost track of the number of times he'd vanished after she'd taken her eyes off him for just a moment. James simply hadn't caught her in those moments.

"I'm aware."

"Sorry." She grimaced. "Wasn't making accusations."

"Did you need him for anything?" James asked, looking between them. "It's my turn to play with him."

"I'm bored." Lily admitted with a shrug. "Looking for amusement."

"He's plenty amusing, I'll give you that." James grinned. "But I swear he's going to turn my hair white sooner than later."

"That could be handsome." With her wand behind her back, she charmed his hair snowy white. She smiled broadly, because he was, in fact, quite handsome and completely oblivious to the charm.

"What are you smirking about?"

"Nothing at all." She folded herself on the floor with Harry. "Just imagining you with snowy locks."

"There are charms for that." James shrugged, shaking his head. She bit back a laugh. "You're interrupting my playtime."

"I can play too!"

"No, no. This is boys only time."

"Harry likes me better." Lily teased as Harry crawled his way into her lap. "Right, Harry?"

"Only because you are food." James wrinkled his nose. "All Potter men are drawn to tasty things."

"I will use any advantage I have at my disposal." She grinned. "Being favorite parent can be a cold and dirty war, my dear."

"Bring it on, Lils. Marauders always win."

"Just you wait, James. He'll be saying 'mummy' long before he learns how to say 'daddy'."

"No way. Keep dreaming."

"Harry, Harry. Can you say 'mummy'?" He giggled, nearly whacking her in the face with his owl. "Say mummy, Harry."

"Keep dreaming." James winked, sprawling out on the floor. Logically, she knew it was much too early for Harry to start talking, but it wasn't too early to start wondering what his first word might be. Lily grinned to herself, setting him back on the ground and shooing him towards James.

"Go get your daddy, Harry. Break his glasses again. He deserves it."

"Hey now." James snorted, though he scooped Harry up as soon as he was within reach.

"He just likes the magic that puts them back together." Lily grinned, leaning back on her elbows, taking a moment to simply admire her husband and son. They were already so alike.

"What?" He caught her look, arching an eyebrow as Harry tugged his glasses off.

"I'm just over here admiring the view." She told him with a laugh. "He's going to look a lot like you."

"With your eyes." James reminded her. "It'll be his best feature."

"Charming man you are, James."

"I have my moments."

"Lots of good moments." She nodded, shifting to lay flat.

"Think we should have another one if we're just going to be stuck in this house?" James wondered idly, much to her surprise.

"I'm not going through that again." Lily disagreed, frowning. "Besides, one baby is plenty for me."

"I'm just trying to think of things to do."

"Knock me up again, and I'll start chopping off body parts." James choked, coughing and sputtering at that declaration. Lily laughed at his reaction, but didn't take back her threat. "Just fair warning."

"Merlin." James groaned, falling back on the floor. "Find a girl with spunk, Harry. That way life will never be boring." Harry finally managed to snap the glasses in half, giggling somewhat gleefully as he presented the halves to James.

"Told you he just likes the magic."

"There's nothing wrong with that." James charmed the glasses whole again, much to Harry's amusement and gave them right back so Harry could break them again. Lily snorted and relaxed into the carpet. There were worse people to get stuck in a house with than James and Harry. She was quite lucky to have them.

* * *

 _Flower dearest,_

 _You clearly need to get out more. You're starting to sound ridiculous. Also, it's "Snuffles". Not Snuffly. Not Snuffly-poo. SNUFFLES!_

 _I don't have much ink at the moment, so I'll write more later. Things are good. I've definitely lost my tail and am back in the area. Wormy says they haven't bothered him at all. He's raved about my godson, so I don't know what this holy terror business is all about. Don't talk about my little man like that! It will hurt his feelings. I also don't know what you're talking about with regards to my room. You will never be rid of me, mark my words!_

 _As previously stated, you really should get out more._

— _Miss you guys more than life itself, Snuffles_

* * *

Lily hummed to herself as she flit about the living room, putting the final touches on what she thought was a rather extravagant and well-designed surprise for James. She wanted everything in place by the time he got done with the ridiculous list of chores she'd given him earlier—all of which would keep him out of sight of the living room. Harry giggled, busy entertaining himself with two very important pieces of her surprise.

"Put those right there for mummy, won't you?" Much to her surprise, Harry gave up his toys without a fuss. "Thank you, my love." She lifted him to her hip, whispering the charms necessary to make the whole thing work. "Your daddy's going to love this." She kissed Harry's cheek before setting him on the couch to give the display in the living room one last critical look. _Perfect._ She beamed, pleased with herself.

"What is this?" James demanded from the doorway, confused.

"Welcome!" Lily cried theatrically, spinning around to face him and bowing low. "To the recreation of the 1964 Quidditch World Cup!" She straightened, enjoying the surprise on his face. "And Happy Birthday." James gaped at her for a solid minute, just blinking in surprise.

"I thought you forgot." He said blankly, her list of nonsense chores held loosely in his hand.

"Of course not." She snorted. "But it had to be a surprise. What do you think?"

"I think you are the absolute best." He started to grin, taking in the improvised goals and players scattered about the floor. "Did you know that was the first game dad ever took me to?"

"You may have mentioned it once or twice." Lily laughed, grabbing his hand to drag him over to the couch. "You sit tight with Harry." She commanded, thrusting him down. "I will be right back." James still looked rather dumbstruck, though she left him sitting on the couch to fetch the rest of the surprise from the kitchen. She charmed the plates of his favorite foods to follow her, carrying their drinks back out to the living room. "For you, my dear." She handed James his drink. "And for you too, dearheart. Mummy will help with it." She propped Harry's drink on the couch, ever grateful for lids that prevented spills.

"You really are the best." James told her, delighted.

"Oh I know." She winked, settling on the couch beside him. "And I'm even going to sit through the game with you."

"I love you, Lily."

"As I love you." She kissed him softly. "And you can thank Sirius for the accuracy or inaccuracy of the game. I asked him to send me a play-by-play description of the game to have it as accurate as possible."

"Is _that_ what was in that novel of a letter he sent you?"

"Yup!"

"But you said..."

"It was research." She nodded, grinning. "And it was, because you know me, James. I know very little about professional quidditch."

"Merlin, I love you." He kissed her temple as Harry crawled across the couch to squirm his way into their laps. "You're in for a real treat, Harry."

"Ready?" Lily grinned before performing the last charm necessary to bring the stuffed quidditch players to life. They flew around in formation for a minute, and only when she was sure the charms would work properly did she cast the final charm to simulate a live announcer for the game.

"How in the bloody hell...?" James stared at her, eyes sparkling with happiness and no little shock.

"I'm good with charms." She shrugged, nudging him. "I was top of my class, you know."

"Merlin, Lils." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, squeezing her before settling back to watch the improvised game, narrating everything that was happening to Harry, who watched just as avidly. Lily grinned to herself, very pleased with the success of her gift. It would've been much too hard to send Peter out to search for any manner of material gift for James. She'd only had to smuggle in a few odds and ends to fabricate the game, and she'd had books with the necessary charms packed away with the rest of her school supplies. It was worth every minute of the hours she'd spent researching and designing the game for James' excitement as he watched.

And it was something special for Harry, too. Something more exciting than his uncle Peter visiting. Something that they might have taken him to if they weren't in hiding. Her baby's happiness made her heart soar.

* * *

" _Shit!_ "

"Language!"

"Harry, don't touch that! Fuck!"

"James?" Fearing the worst, Lily went seeking her husband and son. Harry was now crying loudly. "Do I even want to know?" She found them in the kitchen.

"No, no you do not!" His eyes were wild with panic, and he clutched Harry tightly. "Nothing happened. Nothing at all."

"Mm-hm." She blinked a few times, deciding against pressing for details. "Crisis averted?"

"Barely." He muttered, ashen.

"I so don't want to know." Lily turned on her heel, shaking her head as she went back to watching the window for Peter. She kept an ear cocked towards the kitchen. Harry's cries slowly subsided. Lily shook her head to herself. Harry had certainly inherited his father's penchant for mischief. They'd certainly gotten better about keeping an eye on him, but it clearly wasn't good enough just yet. She feared the day he learned to walk, especially knowing that it wouldn't be too far off.

"James!" She called, trying to contain herself as Peter turned up the walkway. "Peter's here!" She bolted to the door, excited for the chance to visit. Undoubtedly, he was armed with terrible news, but at least they would know the happenings outside the house this week. It would be fresh things for her and James to discuss for the next few days, at least. "Peter!"

"Wormtail!"

"Hey guys." He smiled, lacking the utter enthusiasm they shared. But he brightened as they engulfed him and drug him inside. Lily banished their groceries to the kitchen, catching Harry before he could crawl from the house and shutting the door in their wake. James drug Peter for the couch, intent on getting every bit of information from him as humanly possible.

"How have you been? How's your mother?" James asked in a rush. "How's the Order? How many have we lost? Have we gained any ground? Have you seen Remus? Did he get our last note?"

"One question at a time!" Peter protested with a weak laugh. "Merlin, James."

"Sorry." He said sheepishly.

"Wow, Harry has gotten big!"

"He has." Lily beamed proudly, happy to hand her son over. Harry squealed with excitement, grabbing immediately for Peter's scruffy hair. "He has a bit of an obsession with hair still."

"So I see." Lines of stress melted from Peter's face.

"But how have you been?" James pressed, shifting forward anxiously.

"Same same." Peter shrugged. "It's hell out there."

"Have we gained any ground?"

"Not that I can see." He shook his head. They exchanged glances around him.

"What of the mission to Carlton that you talked about last week?" Lily asked softly. "With Baylor and Teht?"

"It didn't… We lost them." Peter was ashen. He held Harry tightly. "It's been bad."

"Remus?" James prompted after a long pause.

"No one has seen him in weeks. Dumbledore's getting correspondence, but it's not as easy or as frequent as we'd hoped." He looked apologetic. "I really don't know what he's doing. No one does. The only thing we know is that he's still alive, which is something, but..." Peter trailed off, swallowing whatever else he'd meant to say. Lily traded another glance with James.

"But what?"

"Someone made a comment about him being less loyal than we thought." He shrugged jerkily, examining Harry rather than looking at either of them.

"That's bullshit." James grumbled, scowling. "We asked him to go undercover and spy and now we're accusing him of being disloyal because it's hard to send owls when you're surrounded by enemies? That's ridiculous."

"That's what I thought." Peter muttered.

"Have you seen Padfoot recently?" He asked. "His last letters have been brief."

"He's..." Peter made a face, trying to come up with an adequate adjective. "Okay."

"Peter?" Lily frowned. "What happened?"

"Nothing!" He shook his head quickly. "Nothing happened, he's just...ragged, I guess? He says he's been going about as Padfoot recently which is why he was so scruffy, but..."

"He's lying." James growled, jumping up to pace. "He said things were getting better."

"He's being optimistic." Peter shrugged jerkily. "He knows you both worry."

"I feel so bloody useless." James groaned, dragging his hands through his hair.

"What about your mother?" Lily asked, trying to ignore her husband's agitation and hoping to lighten the mood.

"Same." He muttered without looking at either of them.

"Peter, is everything alright?"

"It's…" He shot her a look full of sorrow. "Bad."

"So you've said." James frowned, slowing to stare at him from across the room. "What aren't you saying? Have we lost?"

"No. No, not yet." Peter stared at his hands. "It's just…"

"How many have we lost?"

"Fewer than last week." He whispered through his teeth. "It's…who…" Lily went carefully still, heart plummeting. James froze as well, eyes wide behind his glasses. She couldn't draw enough breath to speak. "Lily, I'm sorry."

"Who?" If it was Alice…

"The McKinnons." Peter whispered, all of death on his face. "The whole family." Lily pressed her hands to her mouth, choking back a horrified scream.

"How?" James gasped.

"Killing curse. It has to be. They were found all around the dinner table. Like they were eating, only…" Peter choked, scrubbing at his eyes.

"B-b-but…" Marlene hadn't lived with her family in years. She'd have no reason to be at the family house. She was dating that muggle. Right?

"I'm sorry, Lily." Tears spilled over her eyes, and a sob escaped her despite her best efforts. James was across the room in an instant, wrapping his arms around her. "Marlene… She's dead."


	44. Chosen

"Have you ever wondered if this is all just in vain?" Lily whispered into the darkness. "That we're just fooling ourselves."

"Yeah." James said glumly. "It's impossible not to." They lay together in bed, not touching; just staring into the darkness in the room.

"What are we going to do?"

"We're going to protect Harry."

"What if it doesn't matter?" Lily moaned. "If the world is unrecognizable by the time he's old enough for this mystical power to emerge?"

"Then we'll help him rebuild it."

"Is this our fault?" Silence was her answer. She blinked up at the ceiling, considering her own question. Was there something they could have done to prevent this from happening?

"If it is, then I'm not sorry." James said eventually. "I love you, and I love Harry. I can't imagine life without either of you."

"Same." She blew out a heavy breath. "I hate this."

"You and me both." He paused. "What are we going to do?"

"We're going to protect Harry." She repeated. "Or we're going to die trying."

"I'm not ready to die."

"Me neither." Depression weighed heavily on her chest. "Harry needs us too much for that."

"Sirius is the right choice, isn't he? I mean, this isn't some massive mistake, right?"

"Sirius is the right choice." Lily assured him. "Remus has his furry problem, and no one to help him with it. If he'd just settle down and find himself a nice girl, then maybe things would be different."

"I'm serious!"

"So am I! Remus will make a wonderful father." She tilted her chin to look at him. "Don't you agree?"

"Sirius is better."

"For Harry." She turned her eyes back to the ceiling. "It's not a mistake. There's no one better."

"There's always your sister." James muttered.

"Merlin help him if he lands in that house! I can't imagine a worse punishment. She and her lump of a husband will never see a hair on Harry's head if I have anything to do about it."

"You sent her a picture and a birth announcement." He reminded her dryly.

"That was for politeness' sake."

"They didn't send one for their son."

"My eyes appreciate it." Lily grumbled. "I can't imagine what a child of theirs would look like, and frankly I don't want to."

"True enough." He laughed weakly. "It's a terrible image, but can you imagine—"

"I know where you're going with that, and please don't. I don't want that mental picture."

"Alright, alright." Still, he chuckled for a moment.

"I hate you."

"It had to happen at least once."

"Yeah, but now I'm scarred from the mental images of it happening! This is all your fault, Potter."

"I'm sorry." He sniggered.

"No, you're not."

"Mm-hm." Lily couldn't help but grin, shaking her head at her husband. They lapsed into silence again, lost to their own thoughts. She hoped his were happier than hers. She circled right back to the hell lurking outside their door. Just waiting for their guard to fall.

"What do we do when he comes?" James muttered.

"If." Lily tried to correct.

"When." He said firmly. "It's only a matter of time, and you know it."

"Have so little faith in Peter, do you?" She snapped. "Maybe we should have just given the job to Sirius."

"Padfoot's been chased across countries." James reminded her. "He'd have missed meetings with us, and we need those to keep food in the house. Peter was the right choice. But if things are as bad as he says, then it's only a matter of time until the war is lost. There's no guarantee Peter will be able to survive if they come for him."

"I know." She whispered. It hurt to think about. It hurt that they'd put Peter in so much danger without telling him why.

"We have to prepare for the worst case scenario." He persisted, voice heavy in the darkness.

"We die."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Would you have it any other way?" Lily wondered. "If the choice is us or him?"

"Of course not! But we can't protect him if we're dead." James snapped, scowling. "I've read those books of yours, Lily."

"They aren't _mine_."

"Well you never gave them back." He argued. "All those spells require a person to be alive, and the ones that don't are so unpredictable it's bloody laughable."

"Sacrifice?" Lily wondered, trying to figure out if he'd found Flamel's passage without mentioning it directly.

"It's not exact." James shrugged loosely. "The only certainty is if we're both alive and there to protect him."

"True." Even she would believe that. "So what happens when he comes?"

"We fight." He said simply. "We've done it before. We'll do it as many times as we need to keep him safe."

"Okay." If only it could be so simple. Her chest was tight with discomfort. Moisture pricked at her eyes, threatening to spill over. What would happen if Voldemort came to their house? If somehow, against all odds, Peter betrayed them.

* * *

"And just what do you have there?" Lily said teasingly. Harry giggled, continuing to wobble around in his barely-coordinated way. He clutched a wooden spoon in his hand, waving it around. "Are you the mightiest little wizard ever?"

He laughed and garbled at her, banging the spoon into the counter repeatedly.

"Please don't break that, dearest."

Like a snarky little demon, Harry banged it even harder. Lily could only smile and shake her head at her precocious boy.

"Starting a band there?" James folded himself down beside Harry, joining the blatant abuse of a perfectly innocent counter with a pair of spoons. It was an unholy melody of pure racket, but both boys were grinning from ear to ear. "Come on, mummy. Join the fun." James shot her a wink.

"I am the admiring audience." Lily flapped a hand at him, leaning back in her chair. "You two have such a lovely melody."

"That it." He declared. "I'm starting a band!"

"Go for it."

"This is for real, Lils."

"I know it is." She nodded her complete agreement, fighting back laughter. She'd let him do anything he wanted if they could just get out of this stupid house. "Hey, Harry!" He spun away from the counter. "Wanna go outside with mummy?"

"Lils."

"Just the porch." She assured James, ignoring the disapproving look he shot her way. She held fast to Harry's hand, guiding him for a glimpse of taunting freedom. Glorious sunshine greeted them. Lily inhaled deeply, dizzy with joy from the summertime air. Harry ran around the porch, banging his spoon on every rail including the new ones she'd charmed in place to block his path down the stairs. Someday she'd let him down on the grass. But only when he was older and definitely understood their warnings. It was still a guess as to how much he understood of what they said.

James was not immune to the allure of the porch. He joined them in short order, still grinning. But his wand was visible in his back pocket. A precaution. He joined her on the swing, kissing her quickly before settling with an arm draped around her shoulders.

"This is nice." He sighed, squeezing her gently.

"Told you so." Lily wrinkled her nose at him before turning her gaze to the people passing by. Of course, no one could see them. Today, they wouldn't make a show of waving to their oblivious neighbors. But she felt just a little more included in the world being able to see people she knew from town.

She nearly jumped when little hands grabbed her knees. But it was just Harry trying to use her to climb onto the swing with them.

"Ow." She told him even as she leaned forward to lift him up.

"A-ma." Harry tried to say.

"Ama?" Lily repeated skeptically. "Momma."

"A-ma!"

"Dada." James encouraged from beside her.

"Shush." She went to flap a hand at him and very nearly smacked him in the face on accident. "Momma."

"Aba!"

"No, no, no. _Momma_."

"Dada."

"Shut up, James!"

"Can you say 'dada'?"

"Aba, aba!" Harry crowed.

"I don't know what that is." Lily muttered regretfully. "We're gonna say momma was his first word."

"Oh no we're not!" James lifted Harry from her lap. "You listen real good, son. _Da-da._ "

"A-ma-ma!"

"Ah ha!"

"Hush, Lily. It's still not right!" James growled, battling down a grin. " _Da. Da_. Not that hard, bud. Dada."

"Momma!" Harry cried, grinning broadly.

" _Yes!_ " She jumped up, throwing her hands up. " _In your face!_ "

"Damn it!" James groaned. Harry just giggled and stole his glasses.

"Momma." Harry said again. Lily squealed with pleasure, scooping him up.

"Harry." She cooed, kissing his forehead. "You love mummy more, don't you?"

"Momma!"

"Yay."

"Rub it in some more, Lils." James groaned, watching them both with a fond smile.

"He likes me." She crowed, feathering her baby in kisses until he squirmed to be free. Lily set him back down. Harry immediately went to retrieve his spoon and resume his one-man-band act with the porch rails. "He likes me." Lily repeated, flushed with happiness as she rejoined James.

"My ego is crying." He said dryly.

"I'll make it better." She promised, leaning over to kiss him. "Better?"

"Sort of." James drew her back to him, and she lost herself in his kiss, snogging him shamelessly because no one could see them save Harry. And their precious baby was too busy banging on the rails to notice. "Better now."

"Good." She snuggled under his arm, very pleased with herself. Harry liked her. James loved her. Life was pretty darn good, even being stuck in this stupid house.

* * *

 _Snuffles dearest,_

 _Your last letter was a bit lacking. Are you alright? I know you won't tell us where you are, but please let me know that you at least have a roof over your head. Wormy makes it sound like you're living in hovels. I hope it hasn't come to that. I noticed a distinct lack of war updates in your letter as well. Answer me for real—are we losing? Everything we've been told makes it seem that way, but you all keep telling us not to worry. To be frank: I'm worried. Please tell me what it's like out there. You've no idea how frustrating this is for James and I. If your next letter is lacking, then no more pictures for you!_

 _Got it?_

 _Harry is doing marvelously. He's got more energy than a bunny right up until the moment he crashes. I don't know how James and I manage to keep up with him. He's learning more words every day. His vocabulary now includes 'momma', 'daddy', 'hugy' (he means hungry, but that's not actually what it comes out as). The necessities for a ten month old to know. He's got some more babble going on, but half the time we can't tell what he's trying to say so I'm only including those words as being official. James is trying to teach him Quidditch terms. It's not going well. Imagine that, right?_

 _As a whole, James and I are doing splendidly. Honestly better than I imagined we would given the circumstances. We mope a lot, but I don't think you can really blame us for that. Harry is truly the light in our lives. I can't remember what it felt like to not really want him. I feel so silly for ever regretting getting pregnant. Every time I get angry over being stuck in this house, I just need to look at Harry and remember why it's all worth it. I think James is similar. For both of us having hot tempers, we haven't fought at all in the last few months. It's actually a little weird if I'm being honest. But really good all things considered. In hindsight, this house really isn't that big. Certainly not big enough for tempers._

 _Since I'm clearly only rambling now, I'll let you get on with it. Truly, Snuffles, I hope everything is alright out there._

 _\- All my love, "momma"_

* * *

 _Dearheart,_

 _I am fantastically happy to hear all is well with you. Don't you dare stop sending me pictures! I WILL find a way to hunt you down. This is not a joke._

 _Things haven't changed much out here since my last letter. Some days I envy you for only having to sit around a house and not kill your significant other. I could use a decent vacation. I am in a place that's wonderful enough that rooftops are not required. Trust me, I'm not one to wallow in discomfort. Yes, I'm still being chased, but they're super unoriginal and I'm three steps ahead right now._

 _No, I will not tell you more of what's happening out here. Most of it is too heinous to put into words on paper, which should be telling enough. We're not going to lose this war. We'll fight to the last man to keep that bastard from winning. Don't worry your pretty head. This world is in good hands. We will prevail, and Harry will grow up safe, happy, and healthy with his family all intact._

 _\- Miss you guys more by the hour, Snuffles_

* * *

"Happy birthday to you." They sang as Harry clapped and giggled. Probably _not_ in awe of their singing abilities, but for the cake being set in front of him. "Happy birthday, dear Harry. Happy birthday to you."

A year. Lily couldn't even begin to believe that it had already been a year. How could time possibly move so fast when she and James hadn't even been out of the house in months? Peter gestured them together, waving Sirius' camera in the air. Laughing, Lily leaned down beside the high-chair, wrapping her arm around James and kissing the top of Harry's head. Surely one of the half-dozen pictures Peter was taking would turn out well. James squeezed her tightly, planting a quick kiss on her lips before decreeing that it was time for cake.

The atmosphere was forced. Her chest was tight with despair. The lines around James' mouth were tight. His eyes did not have their usual sparkle. It was their baby's first birthday, and neither of them could be truly happy. Lily felt like a terrible mother. But her chest got a little tighter every time she looked at her son. He was so utterly adorable and precious and so incredibly _young_. How could all of their hopes even possibly be held on his tiny shoulders?

They laughed like always, smiling and giggling as much as Harry as he smeared more of the cake over his face than he got in his mouth. He was so precious. His green eyes sparkled with merriment as James allowed him to smear cake over his face and glasses as well. Peter continued to take pictures, laughing so much that they couldn't possibly be in focus. But what did it truly matter? She leaned over James, keeping well out of reach of Harry's grubby hands, to lick a bit of icing from his cheek playfully.

It was a wonderful time. So why did her heart feel so heavy? Why did it all feel so strained? Harry was happy enough for them all, and even Peter didn't seem like he was struggling to enjoy himself. Perhaps she just didn't know him as well as she knew her husband. Maybe she just couldn't see the signs. James was blaringly obvious to her. She was sure he could see it in her as well.

They cleaned Harry off—much to his disgruntlement—and allowed him to lead Peter into the sitting room. Lily met James' eyes, still smiling because it truly was a happy day. He wrapped his arms around her, and they spent a moment together, arms wrapped loosely around the other. _At least I have him._ Lily squeezed James lightly before heading to join Peter and Harry.

 _Gifts._ They were piled high in the corner. One from each member of the Order, and all screened and cleared by Moody long before they'd gotten here. The level of forgiveness in that pile was astounding. They all sent Harry gifts; understanding and accepting the choice and sacrifice they made for their son even without knowing of the prophecy. The Order wouldn't know they were hidden beneath a separate Fidelius Charm. Only that they'd decided not to risk their lives in order to be there for Harry.

James tore into the pile like a gleeful child, presenting all manner of toy and bauble to Harry. Lily couldn't help but laugh as Harry played with the wrapping paper instead. At least until James unearthed Sirius' gift.

"You've _got_ to be joking!" Lily cried, pressing her hands to her face. Harry jumped up and down with excitement as James wrestled the mini-broom from it's package.

"This is bloody brilliant!"

"James Potter!"

"He'll be the best on his team!" James continued, oblivious—or pointedly ignoring her. "Come here, buddy."

"Oh, come on!" Lily moaned. The thing couldn't go more than a foot off the ground. Logically, Harry couldn't hurt himself _that_ much with it. But he could very easily fly around breaking her furniture.

"Look at that." James said proudly, beaming. Harry giggled like a mad thing, toes just off the ground as he flew around the living room. "He's a bloody natural!" Lily wasn't immune to Harry's joy. She smiled reluctantly, banishing all breakables from the room right as Harry rammed into the couch. He tumbled from the broom and promptly started crying. "It's okay! It's okay, happens all the time." James rushed over to him, clearly intending on coaxing him back onto the broom. Lily heaved a sigh and turned her rectangular coffee table into an oval so he couldn't crack his head open on a corner.

"It's not that bad." Peter assured her, patting her shoulder gently.

"This is why I can't have nice things." Lily muttered. Harry was still sniffling, but he was on the broom once more. This time, James hovered over him, guiding him around the furniture.

"It's not that bad." James seconded, grinning like a fool.

"We're keeping that thing on the top shelf." She threatened. "He's only allowed on it under supervision."

"Kill joy." He teased, but didn't argue against her declaration. Harry quickly mastered steering, and James sat back down eventually. "I like the table."

"Thanks." She snuggled under his arm, grinning as Harry continued to fly circles around the room. "He thinks he's hot stuff."

"He is hot stuff." James snorted. "He takes after me in that regard."

"Mm-hm." It never ceased to amaze her. Harry looked more and more like his dad with each passing day. "Think he'll be in the next generation of great pranksters?"

"I'll teach him all my tricks." James promised, grinning. "He'll be an unholy terror on the school."

"Don't sound so excited." Lily said dryly, laughing.

"Do you remember the howlers mum used to send me?"

"Yes."

"I loved those." James grinned, a glimmer entering his eyes.

"Did you really?" She looked up at him quizzically.

"Heck yeah. That's when I knew we'd really outdone ourselves. It got harder to get her to send howlers over the years."

"Have I ever told you that you're ridiculous?" Lily asked.

"Only about a thousand times." James laughed, squeezing her gently.

"Remember that time she sent howlers to all of us?" Peter asked from across the room, sprawled over their couch. "That was the best one."

"Flaming flamingo!" James cried. "I'd forgotten about that!"

"Flaming flamingo?" Lily arched an eyebrow at him. "You gave your pranks code names?"

"Only the best ones." The two Marauders traded wicked grins.

"You'll keep up the tradition, won't you?" James asked, looking at her hopefully. "You'll send him howlers for the really good ones? Keep the legend of the Evans temper alive?"

"I didn't know there was a legend." Lily snorted, shaking her head slightly. "I won't scar my child like that. Howlers are terrible, James."

"The first time or two." He shrugged. "Then it's a badge of honor."

"If that's what you think." She rolled her eyes playfully, hoping that she wouldn't be tempted to send howlers to her son. Certainly he couldn't be as bad as James. It would just be cruel if he found a group of friends with such a penchant for mischief as the Marauders. Harry chose that moment to float over to them, face a mask of concentration. Lily tried not to laugh as he attempted to steer the broom to a gentle stop. He ran into the cabinet just beside James instead.

"Perfect!" James declared, tugging Harry from the broom to hug him tightly. "You'll be the best Chaser ever."

"He can be whatever he wants to be." Lily wrinkled her nose.

"He can't lead the chess team."

"Don't be mean." She chided, opening her arms as Harry wiggled his way over to her. "I'll make you the best chess player ever. Just you wait."

"What was that you said about not getting the mickey teased from him?" James wondered, arching an eyebrow at her. "Chess will do that perfectly."

"You can do whatever you want." Lily told Harry solemnly, squeezing him tightly.

"Momma." He giggled, tugging lightly on her hair.

"Chaser." James whispered in his ear, losing his glasses to Harry's grasping hands. Lily giggled as Harry did his best to pull them apart. Magic would fix them right up when he was satisfied. James smiled, ruffling Harry's hair. His smile was as tight as hers. They traded glances. Beneath it all was a sense of worry. Would the worry never go away? With each day, the prophecy would become more real. They'd talked about it plenty, but what would they do if the world outside the safety of their door was unrecognizable by the time Harry was old enough to face Voldemort? What if it would be Neville?

Lily rest her cheek against James' shoulder, angry with herself. Could she not forget about the bloody war long enough to celebrate her son's first birthday unashamedly? Voldemort would not find them tonight. Peter was safe and secure under the Charm. They all were. There was no danger in this moment. She couldn't forget.

She loved Harry too much not to be worried. She didn't want him to know the pain she'd lived through. She wanted his existence to be happy and carefree. She'd do anything to protect his precious innocence.

* * *

"I can't believe we didn't dress him up." James grumbled, flopping down on the couch with a sigh.

"What would be the point?" Lily wondered, flinging herself on the adjacent chair. "We're the only people here, and we don't have film to take pictures for Sirius."

"For Harry's sake." He made a face and shrugged.

"He won't remember anyway."

"True."

"It was a good day for him." Lily muttered aloud, pinching the bridge of her nose. "He was on that broom for hours. Caught your snitch for the first time, too."

"That was bloody awesome." James grinned at the reminder. His humor was short-lived though. "We're gonna need an upgrade soon. He's getting too big for that broom."

"We can't let him out of the house with it. And I've looked at those magazines, too. All the ones that go higher also go faster. It's the faster part that's hazardous inside the house."

"I know." He breathed off frustration. Lily couldn't do a thing to calm him down because it was frustration they shared. They hadn't left this house in over a year. It was maddening.

"Think we can make a basement under this thing?" She mused aloud, wondering if it would be safe to switch to a different, larger house. It was getting progressively harder to keep Harry amused in this tiny space.

"I'll send an owl to Arthur. Or ask Sirius to send it on our behalf." James sighed, voice muffled by his hands. "I'm sure he'd know. The number of modifications—"

"Did you hear that?" He must have, because they were both on their feet in the same instant. The doorknob on the front door rattled again. Panic snatched her. They'd heard from Peter just an hour ago. He was perfectly fine. Safe. She stepped after James belatedly. He was already to the front window, staying hidden behind the drapes while trying to see outside.

"It's him!" James whirled around, rushing for her.

"What?" Peter was _safe!_ How could this be happening? Her heart took off, because she didn't need James to say his name to know that Voldemort was on their doorstep. The moment they'd been fearing was here. They'd had a bloody year to prepare for it. Only to find out they weren't prepared at all. Alice would have had a plan. She'd have had it all written out and taped down all over the house.

"Take Harry and go."

" _Are you bloody mad?_ " She shrieked, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. She'd die before she lost him.

"It's _him!_ " James shouted, ashen though he shoved her towards the stairs. "Lily, take Harry and go! Run! I'll hold him off!" _This isn't real. This can't be real._

"I won't leave you!"

"Lily!" He jerked her close, kissing her fiercely. One last time. Despair, fury, fear. It was all there in his kiss. It echoed down the twisting, turning path of their relationship. Everything that had led up to this moment. " _Take Harry and run!"_ He shouted, shoving her towards the stairs as the door blasted open.

Lily whirled around, somehow completely steady on her feet, and bounded up the stairs two at a time. _Harry_. She had to think about her son. That was all that mattered. Harry's safety.

Words. Words came from downstairs. Bravado. Little more. Did James even have his wand?

She slammed the nursery door in her wake, snatching Harry from his crib. He made not a single sound as she whipped around to locate her wand. She snatched it from the dresser. Harry. She had to think about Harry.

Green light cast the room in an eerie glow. Just briefly. Just a moment.

Lily stumbled into the side of the crib as her world shattered. She put Harry down before she dropped him. _James._ She knew it in the marrow of her bones. The killing curse. Her heart screamed in bitter agony. How could she live without him? She'd sworn up and down that she wouldn't. Wouldn't ever leave him.

 _Until death do us part._

She's sworn that death wouldn't ever part them. They were meant to live until they were old together. They were meant to die old and wrinkled. Finally an old couple so to give truth to people saying how they always bickered like an old married couple. That was the plan. She wasn't meant to lose him.

 _Harry._ She had to think of Harry. She had to think of their son. Had to carry out James' dying wish—to take herself and Harry to safety. That's what he would have wanted. He'd want her to lift Harry. To lower them out the window and race to the fence. He'd grant her one last look back. That little moment of heartbreak. But then she'd have to find Sirius. Explain to James' best friend what had happened. Hope to Merlin that Sirius would be able to protect them in a world that was cold and cruel.

 _Harry._ She had to think of Harry. He stared at her, calm and trusting. Green eyes wide and out of place in James' face.

 _James._

She was wasting precious seconds. Bent over the crib and clutching the smooth wood because it hurt too much to breathe. She couldn't lose him. She'd already lost him.

 _Harry._

 _James._

 _Harry James._

She should have been bawling. The pain of heartbreak was excruciating. But her eyes were dry. The tears would not come. It hurt too much for tears. She couldn't breathe. The world was dark and meaningless.

 _Can you stand unbending in the face of death?_

 _Will it and it shall be done._

The nursery door opened behind her. Lily turned to face him—the man of her nightmares. The unnamed evil. The worst wizard this world had ever known. The hell her son was supposed to beat. Once, she'd seen hints of handsomeness in him; hints of humanity. It was all gone now. There was little more than cruelty in his face; in the waxy paleness that spoke of magic too dark to name.

 _Take Harry and run._

 _Embrace death. Will it and it shall be done._

Her wand slipped through numb fingers to land by her foot. It was simultaneously the hardest and easiest thing she'd ever done. In that few breaths it took Voldemort to measure her, Lily saw death standing before her. She would give in. Yield for once in her life. Because it hurt too much to go on living. She wasn't strong enough. She loved James too much. She didn't love Harry enough.

"Stand aside." Voldemort commanded, gesturing without firing a curse.

 _What?_ Her gaze was drawn back to him, uncomprehending. Did he just tell her to move? Was he mad?

"Stand aside, you silly girl."

 _Stand aside._ Stand to the side and give him unrestricted access to her son. Allow him to kill the product of her love of James. Because…because why?

"Not Harry." The words slipped past numb lips. "Please not Harry." Realization was breaking over her. Snape had laid claim to her. His intent had never been to help the Order. He'd given her just enough clues to keep her alive. Alive for this moment in which Voldemort might spare her life so that Snape would have her.

 _Rage._

"Stand aside, now!" It was there in Voldemort's command. He was impatient with her.

"Not Harry, please no... Take me!" Her heart took off double time. "Kill me instead!" She spread her arms, showing very clearly that she was unarmed. Her wand lay useless beneath the crib. Once, she'd believed in every bit of Flamel's writing. So sacrifice spells were unpredictable? "Not Harry!"

 _Will it and it shall be done._

" _Stand aside, silly girl!_ " Her final warning. She could see it burning in the depths of his soul-less eyes. But everything was aligning. She would not live without James. She couldn't. But Harry could live without them both. He would. He'd be safe and secure with Sirius to watch over him. And he'd have uncle Remus to spoil him rotten. He'd be the most spoiled, devil-may-care boy in the world, but it didn't matter. He'd be alive and whole. Healthy and loved.

"Please have mercy... Have mercy..." He wouldn't, she knew. If he could have mercy, then he wouldn't have come to kill a baby. But he would not succeed. He'd picked the wrong boy; the wrong mother to cross. And if by some miracle Voldemort lived to fight another day, Harry would be strong enough to beat him. He would prevail. He would triumph. She knew it in the very marrow of her bones. After all, he was James' son.

" _Avada Kedavra!_ "


	45. Epilogue: The Boy Who Lived

Foreboding. Utter and terrible foreboding rose up in him, and nothing he did could shake it. He weaved through tight openings in the traffic. His heart was intimate with his throat. _Thrice defied._ Was that it? Was that all a man could face without succumbing to power that seemed unbeatable?

He sped along the road, cursing Peter. Cursing himself. Why had he thought this was a good idea? Never trust someone to do the job for you. This! This most critical job. Why had he thought he was beating the game by passing off their trust to someone else?

The house came in sight—perfectly visible on the dark night. Ruined on one side. He screamed over the engine, heart shattering.

He didn't see the shadow flicker in the upstairs window; the shadow of another heartbroken soul. And just as well he didn't see. He had not tolerated the obsession of Severus Snape with as much grace as James. He would not have taken well to seeing Snape here.

He launched from the motorbike, heedless of the safety of his most prized possession. Because it was just that. A possession. Something that could be replaced. He could not replace Lily and James. He couldn't replace the love that was so unconditional; so all encompassing that his presence in their lives, in some of their most intimate moments was unquestioned. Unquestioned because it was simply expected. They were irreplaceable.

Harry could not be replaced.

He burst through the door, nearly falling flat on his face just over the threshold. _James._ He staggered, hitting his knees as his eyes went blurry with tears. His best friend. His brother. Broken on the staircase; untouched yet unseeing. He stumbled past, already knowing what he would find. Lily would not leave James. Had she not confessed as much to him the day they went into hiding? He couldn't make it past. He leaned over James, tears coming hot and fast. How could he have let this happen?

A young wail came from upstairs. He bolted upright, sprinting the rest of the way, heedless of the wreckage in the hallway. The nursery. Lily was on the ground, eyes glassy and unseeing. But beyond her. Beyond her…

Harry wailed, shrieking his unhappiness to the world. Mere feet away his mother lay. Unmoving. Untouched by his need for her. He choked, stumbling to the crib. This was impossible. Voldemort would not have left Harry alive. The prophecy—the prophecy was _Harry_. Not Lily and James. They were coincidental. They had simply made Harry be. Harry was the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord.

Harry was not untouched. A scar marred his forehead, red and livid. Lightening. He scooped the boy into his arms, unable to be reassuring. His grief was too great to feel any remote joy. Harry was alive. But at what cost? He—irresponsible and reckless he—was now the sole provider for this child. Mother and father all in one ill-prepared grieving mess. He clung to Harry. Harry was _alive_.

A wail like a wounded beast came from the front lawn. He launched to his feet, darting to the window. Hargid stood in the front lawn, wailing at the top of his lungs. He rushed from the house, past Lily and James. Harry was his priority now. Harry was in danger. If Voldemort came now… It would be the perfect time to strike, when they were weak and vulnerable.

"Hagrid!" He cried, voice unrecognizable to even him, clouded with grief and something else. Something burning that he couldn't yet recognize.

"Sirius." Hagrid croaked, blowing his nose with as much delicacy as a trumpet. Harry cried harder.

"Hagrid, what happened?" He stumbled, half-falling. "J-James…h-he a-and Lil…" He couldn't stay on his feet. He hit his knees for the second time, clutching Harry to his chest and weeping.

"Dumbledore." Hagrid gasped, hand coming down none too gently on his shoulders. "Dumbledore said… He said H-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named c-c-came h-here tonight."

"W-what?" It couldn't be.

"And Harry! Little Harry." Hagrid hiccupped, wiping his nose. "He lived."

"W-what?" He faltered, unable to fathom it. Unable to understand how this little baby had done what so many could not.

"Harry, little Harry." Hagrid lowered himself to a knee beside them. "He _survived_ the killing curse!"

 _Survived?_ What did that even mean?

"H-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is dead. Dumbledore said it."

 _And of course, that made it completely valid. That Dumbledore was the one to say it._

"We've won."

If they'd won, then why did it hurt so much? He bent over Harry, unable to do anything more than weep. Hagrid comforted him as much as he could before going inside the house to see for himself. _James and Lily_. He wanted to scream. To shriek his agony to the sky. The cold, uncaring sky. How could this happen? How could he have let this happen? Let Harry grow up an orphan, never knowing just how wonderful his parents were.

And beneath it all…beneath it all was rage. Cold, unfeeling rage that he'd only heard tales of. _Peter Pettigrew_ , _the rat._ How could he have been so blind? Had Peter not exposed himself years ago? A _rat!_ A bloody, stinking rat! How could the man be any different when his animagus form was meant to expose his true self? How could they have been so damn blind?

"Give Harry to me." Hagrid said.

" _No._ " His voice was cold now. Remote. The rage was building. Consuming.

"Dumbledore said—"

" _I don't care what Dumbledore said!_ " He exploded, jumping to his feet and backing away with Harry clutched in his arms. "He's my…" Merlin, the grief was crushing. He couldn't breathe. "He's my godson." He finished in barely a whisper. "My responsibility now."

"Dumbledore ordered me to fetch him." Hagrid's chest puffed out with pride even as he shuffled nervously in place. Everyone knew James and Lily trusted him the most. Everyone knew there hadn't been a moment's doubt on who their son's godfather would be. The bastard who betrayed them. Who'd convinced them to put their faith in a rat.

"Take him." His voice was rough. Unsteady. " _Don't_ let anything happen to him! If you do…" He couldn't voice a threat. His throat closed off again, and he rocked Harry back and forth because the pain was overwhelming. _This is my fault. My fault._

"Dumbledore will see to him." Hagrid said like it was the most reassuring thing in the world. Dumbledore's protection.

"How will you get him there?"

"Erm…"

"Take my bike." He enlarged it with a quick jab of his wand, thinking quickly. Peter would go underground. He'd know. He must know what was coming for him. He'd start the hunt. He'd start now so Peter wouldn't get far. Then, once Alice and Frank told Remus what happened, Remus could help him finish the job. "I don't need it anymore." It didn't matter if Hagrid heard or understood the savage quality that entered his words. He kissed Harry's forehead, silently promising to be the best possible parent he could be. In a day or two. Once his parents were avenged.

He passed Harry to Hagrid, watching as Hagrid revved the bike and shot towards the sky. He stood and watched until they were little more than another star. He twisted to look at the house, heart shattering all over again. _I fucked up._ He told his silent family inside. _I fucked up real bad this time. But I'll make it right. I'll make it right if it's the last thing I do._

* * *

"Frank?" Alice called, staring at the impossible letter in her hand.

"What?" He appeared promptly, alarmed by whatever he'd heard in her voice. "What's that?"

"A letter from Dumbledore." She frowned at it, wondering if this was just some trick. "He says it's over."

"The war?" Frank whispered, ashen. "Have we lost?"

"I don't know. It just says Didelus Diggle will explain it all—"

A knock interrupted her. A frantic knock. Frank drew his wand immediately, creeping into place exactly as they'd planned if anything should happen. She inched her way to the door, grasping the handle. A quick glance at Frank confirmed that he was ready. She wrenched the door open, keeping her body behind it. Didelus Diggle tumbled in, cheerful as cheerful could be.

"What's going on?" Frank hissed, waving his wand threateningly.

"You-Know-Who is dead!" Diggle shouted, jumping in place and clapping.

" _What?_ " She traded disbelieving glances with her husband. Neville was safely asleep upstairs, and surely Harry was no better prepared to fight an evil wizard than their young son.

"Harry Potter! Harry Potter defeated him!" Diggle could not stand still.

"Slow down, man!" Frank cried. "What are you saying? Harry is hardly a year old."

"He _survived_." Diggle's voice dropped to a whisper. His eyes wide as saucers. "He survived the killing curse."

" _What?_ " Frank barked. "What about Pettigrew?"

"He's fine and dandy! Saw him on my way here. Gave him the wonderful news!" Diggle's joy could not be contained. He jumped in place, beaming like a fool. "To Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived!"

"Oh, hell." Alice pressed her hands to her mouth, stomach dropping. _Self-sacrifice._ Her heart went with it as tears welled up in her eyes. _Lily, you were right. You were right and I was wrong..._

"Alice?" Frank reached for her, steadying her before she could fall.

"Hail the Boy Who Lived!" Diggle crowed before running out. Running for the next house. Spreading joyful news. Ignorant to the fact that they'd been hidden beneath a private Fidelius Charm for the last year. Had he been told of the location of their house, or had Dumbledore undone the Charm without telling them? The reversal of the Fidelius Charm was the job of the Secret Keeper. He could have undone it all without them knowing. What did it even matter? Voldemort was...dead. She swayed, gut wrenching agony pulling through her veins, because she knew as sure as she knew her own name that her best friend was also dead. That she'd given proof to Flamel's belief in self-sacrifice having unparalleled power. _Harry survived the killing curse._

"Alice?"

"Lily." She moaned, hiding her face in her husband's chest. The relief she felt was sickening. "She read it somewhere. Flamel's piece on self-sacrifice. She's the one who gave me that article. She... She scarified her life for him. For Harry."

"James, too." Frank understood immediately. He'd read the article as well, as James must have. His head bowed, and he held her tighter. They were safe. Neville was safe. Voldemort hadn't chosen the pureblood son as they expected. They swayed together for a long time, grief warring with relief.

"Poor Harry." Alice mumbled after a while. What would happen to him? Sirius would adopt him. It's what Lily and James would have wanted. _If only Pettigrew had…made it_. Alice's thoughts faltered as the pieces of what Diggle said came together. "Frank!"

"What?"

"Sirius!" She gasped, whirling around. "We have to find him! Before he does something stupid."

"I'm not following."

"Peter Pettigrew! Pettigrew is _alive and well!_ " She'd never seen realization dawn so suddenly on someone's face. "Pettigrew was the mole! He betrayed them."

"Sirius will go after him." Frank started to run out the door and then wheeled around and started for the stairs. He stopped halfway, torn between their son asleep upstairs and stopping Sirius from doing anything rash. "The world will think Sirius betrayed them."

"We have to stop him." Alice said urgently. "Send a message to Dumbledore. Tell Dumbledore the truth."

"But Neville—"

"I'll floo your mother." She nodded rapidly, steadying her whirling thoughts into a plan. "Write a letter to Dumbledore. I'll get your mother over here to watch Neville. Then we have to find Remus. Remus will want… We have to stop—"

" _Crucio!_ "

"Alice!" Why did he shout her name? What was it about seeing his wife writhing on the floor in the utmost of pain that banished every ounce of auror training he'd received? Barty Crouch, Jr raised his wand, a cold smirk on his face.

"Cruico." He said with honeyed sweetness.

It wouldn't stop. They wanted answers that neither of them could give. They'd been so far outside any happening of the Order and the Ministry for the last year. They had no intelligence. Nothing to explain what happened to the Dark Lord.

Dumbledore wouldn't know the truth about the Potter's Secret Keeper. He wouldn't know of Sirius' innocence. Sirius wouldn't stop to rationalize his course of action. He'd act rashly, finally giving into the madness that ran rampant in his family. He'd hunt Peter without thought or care of the consequences. Harry wouldn't be the only boy born as the seventh month died to grow up without a father, without a mother.

His last coherent thought was to wonder exactly how everything had gone so wrong.

* * *

Two days had passed. Two short days to reach this moment. Staring down Peter, who was trapped in the corner of an alley—a muggle alleyway. Did he honestly think Sirius wouldn't confront him here? He was beyond sanity. Beyond reason. But not nearly as bad off as Frank and Alice. How had things gone so wrong?

"Lily and James, Sirius!" Peter cried pitifully. "How could you?"

"How could _I?_ " He roared, hand tight around his wand. Then, before his fury could well and truly peak, the alley exploded. People's screams rang in his ears. Sirius landed flat on his back, cracking his head against the ground. Through dazed eyes, he saw a rat sitting a foot from him, paw bleeding just a little bit. Maybe he was too stunned to be seeing clearly, but he'd have sworn the rat waved at him before turning and scampering through a newly-made hole in the concrete. Down to the sewers where he'd be safe. Because no one knew Peter Pettigrew was an animagus. No one would believe the lump would have that kind of magical skill. Even he couldn't believe it.

Sirius sat up slowly, staring at the wreckage a single spell could cause. Dead muggles littered the streets. His mouth hung open. What tricks had that weasel learned? Just how many secrets had he kept hidden? _I was outsmarted by a rat._ Too late to wish he'd gone to Frank and Alice first. Even if they recovered their wits, no one would believe their story of his innocence. Wizards arrived in a hurry. They grabbed him, hauling him to his feet.

Slowly, in a mad swirl of thwarted anger and crushing grief, Sirius started to laugh. What else was there to do? He laughed, because all of their planning, all of their careful preparation had led straight to this. Lily and James were dead. Alice and Frank were tortured beyond sanity. Two little boys would be deprived of their parents' love, left to struggle and learn this world on their own. He would surely go to Azkaban for this. No one would have seen that Peter was the one to fire the curse that killed a dozen muggles. They'd find some bit of him among this rubble and assume that Peter, too, was dead.

His tail was on a one-way trip to Azkaban. His only possible ticket out was a werewolf, who wouldn't be trusted for his condition alone. And things had been tense between them for the last few years. Ever since that stupid prank on Snape. Would Remus think him capable of betrayal? Even if he wondered, would he speak up? Sirius hoped he wouldn't. It would be better—safer—for Remus to pretend the friendship hadn't existed. To pretend that he wasn't, and had never been friends, with a killer. Mass murderer. What would they call him? What would they believe him capable of?

What _would_ he be capable of after a few years with dementors eating away at the remaining fragments of his sanity? _I will find him._ He vowed silently, as if James and Lily could hear his thoughts. _I will make this right if it's the last thing I do._

* * *

 ** _AN: (I hate these so I'll be brief)_**

 ** _Thank you so much to those who have stuck with me throughout the process of writing and editing this story. An extra thanks to those who have left reviews along the way - I thrive on feedback and you definitely helped motivate me to see this project to the end._**

 ** _If you have any questions about the writing process or decisions I made along the way, please feel free to ask in a review or PM me! I love chatting about writing and will happily analyze plot choices in this story with anyone who so desires._**

 ** _And for one last, shameless plug: Please leave a review! Even if it's negative, I won't get better unless someone tells me what they don't like about my writing!_**

 ** _Until next time... Mischief Managed._**


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